How to Behave: A Pocket Manual of Republican Etiquette, and Guide to Correct Personal Habits

Having satisfied yourself that you really love a woman—be careful, as you value your future happiness and hers, not to make a mistake in this matter—you will find occasion to manifest, in a thousand ways, your preference, by means of those tender but delicate and deferential attentions which love always prompts. "Let the heart speak." The heart you address will understand its language. Be earnest, sincere, self-loyal, and manly in this matter above all others. Let there be no nauseous flattery and no sickly sentimentality Leave the former to fops and the latter to beardless school-boys.

Though women do not "propose"—that is, as a general rule—they "make love" to the men none the less; and it is right. The divine attraction is mutual, and should have its proper expression on both sides. If you are attracted toward a man who seems to you an embodiment of all that is noble and manly, you do injustice both to him and yourself if you do not, in some way entirely consistent with maiden modesty, allow him to see and feel that he pleases you. But you do not need our instructions, and we will only hint, in conclusion, that forwardness, flirting, and a too obtrusive manifestation of preference are not agreeable to men of sense. As a man should be manly, so should a woman be womanly in her love.

II.—OBSERVANCES

1. Particular Attentions

Avoid even the slightest appearance of trifling with the feelings of a woman. A female coquette is bad enough. A male coquette ought to be banished from society. Let there be a clearly perceived, if not an easily defined, distinction between the attentions of common courtesy or of friendship and those of love. All misunderstanding on this point can and must be avoided.

The particular attentions you pay to the object of your devotion should not make you rude or uncivil to other women. Every woman is her sister, and should be treated with becoming respect and attention. Your special attentions to her in society should not be such as to make her or you the subject of ridicule. Make no public exhibition of your endearments.

2. Presents

If you make presents, let them be selected with good taste, and of such cost as is fully warranted by your means. Your mistress will not love you better for any extravagance in this matter. The value of a gift is not to be estimated in dollars and cents. A lady of good sense and delicacy will discourage in her lover all needless expenditure in ministering to her gratification, or in proof of his devotion.

3. Confidants

Lovers usually feel a certain need of confidants in their affairs of the heart. In general, they should be of the opposite sex. A young man may with profit open his heart to his mother, an elder sister, or a female friend considerably older than himself. The young lady may with equal advantage make a brother, an uncle, or some good middle-aged married man the repository of her love secrets, her hopes, and her fears.

4. Declarations

We shall make no attempt to prescribe a form for "popping the question." Each must do it in his own way; but let it be clearly understood and admit no evasion. A single word—yes, less than that, on the lady's part, will suffice to answer it. If the carefully studied phrases which you have repeated so many times and so fluently to yourself, will persist in sticking in your throat and choking you, put them correctly and neatly on a sheet of the finest white note paper, inclosed in a fine but plain white envelope (see "How to Write"), seal it handsomely with wax, address and direct it carefully, and find some way to convey it to her hand. The lady's answer should be frank and unequivocal, revealing briefly and modestly her real feelings and consequent decision.

5. Asking "Pa."

Asking the consent of parents or guardians is, in this country, where women claim a right to choose for themselves, a mere form, and may often be dispensed with. The lady's wishes, however, should be complied with in this as in all other matters. And if consent is refused? This will rarely happen. If it does, there is a remedy, and we should have a poor opinion of the love or the spirit of the woman who would hesitate to apply it. If she is of age, she has a legal as well as a moral right to bestow her love and her hand upon whom she pleases. If she does not love you well enough to do this, at any sacrifice, you should consider the refusal of her friends a very fortunate occurrence. If she is not of age, the legal aspect of the affair may be different, but, at worst, she can wait until her majority puts her in possession of all her rights.

6. Refusals

If a lady finds it necessary to say "no" to a proposal, she should do it in the kindest and most considerate manner, so as not to inflict unnecessary pain; but her answer should be definite and decisive, and the gentleman should at once withdraw his suit. If ladies will my "no" when they mean "yes," to a sincere and earnest suitor, they must suffer the consequences.

7. Engagement

The "engaged" need not take particular pains to proclaim the nature of the relation in which they stand to each other, neither should they attempt or desire to conceal it. Their intercourse with each other should be frank and confiding, but prudent, and their conduct in reference to other persons of the opposite sex, such as will not give occasion for a single pang of jealousy.

Of the "getting ready," which follows the engagement, on the part of the lady, our fair readers know a great deal more than we could tell them.

8. Breaking Off

Engagements made in accordance with the simple and brief directions contained in the first section of this chapter, will seldom be broken off. If such a painful necessity occurs, let it be met with firmness, but with delicacy. If you have made a mistake, it is infinitely better to correct it at the last moment than not at all. A marriage is not so easily "broken off."

On breaking off an engagement, all letters, presents, etc., should be returned, and both parties should consider themselves pledged to the most honorable and delicate conduct in reference to the whole matter, and to the private affairs of each other, a knowledge of which their former relation may have put into their possession.

9. Marriage

It devolves upon the lady to fix the day. She will hardly disregard the stereotyped request of the impatient lover to make it an "early" one; but she knows best how soon the never-to-be-neglected "preparations" can be made. For the wedding ceremonies see Chapter VII. A few hints to husbands and wives may be found in Chapter V.

X.

PARLIAMENTARY ETIQUETTE

The object of a meeting for deliberation is, of course, to obtain a free expression of opinion and a fair decision of the questions discussed. Without rules of order this object would, in most cases, be utterly defeated; for there would be no uniformity in the modes of proceeding, no restraint upon indecorous or disorderly conduct, no protection to the rights and privileges of members, no guarantee against the caprices and usurpations of the presiding officer, no safeguard against tyrannical majorities, nor any suitable regard to the rights of the minority.—McElligott.

I.—COURTESY IN DEBATE

The fundamental principles of courtesy, so strenuously insisted upon throughout this work, must be rigorously observed in the debating society, lyceum, legislative assembly, and wherever questions are publicly debated. In fact, we have not yet discovered any occasion on which a gentleman is justified in being anything less than—a gentleman.

In a paragraph appended to the constitution and by-laws of a New York debating club, members are enjoined to treat each other with delicacy and respect, conduct all discussions with candor, moderation, and open generosity, avoid all personal allusions and sarcastic language calculated to wound the feelings of a brother, and cherish concord and good fellowship. The spirit of this injunction should pervade the heart of every man who attempts to take part in the proceedings of any deliberative assembly.

II.—ORIGIN OF THE PARLIAMENTARY CODE

The rules of order of our State Legislatures, and of other less important deliberative bodies, are, in almost all fundamental points, the same as those of the National Congress, which, again, are derived, in the main, from those of the British Parliament, the differences which exist growing out of differences in government and institutions. It is in allusion to its origin that the code of rules and regulations thus generally adopted is often called "The Common Code of Parliamentary Law."

III.—RULES OF ORDER

1. Motions

A deliberative body being duly organized, motions are in order. The party moving a resolution, or making a motion in its simplest form, introduces it either with or without remarks, by saying: "Mr. President, I beg leave to offer the following resolution," or "I move that," etc. A motion is not debatable till seconded. The member seconding simply says: "I second that motion." The resolution or motion is then stated by the chairman, and is open for debate.

2. Speaking

A member wishing to speak on a question, resolution, or motion, must rise in his place and respectfully address his remarks to the chairman or president, confining himself to the question, and avoiding personality. Should more than one member rise at the same time, the chairman must decide which is entitled to the floor. No member must speak more than once till every member wishing to speak shall have spoken. In debating societies (and it is for their benefit that we make this abstract) it is necessary to define not only how many times, but how long at each time a member may speak on a question.

3. Submitting a Question

When the debate or deliberation upon a subject appears to be at a close, the presiding officer simply asks, "Is the society [assembly, or whatever the body may be] ready for the question?" or, "Are you ready for the question?" If no one signifies a desire further to discuss or consider the subject, he then submits the question in due form.

4. Voting

The voting is generally by "ayes and noes," and the answers on both sides being duly given, the presiding officer announces the result, saying, "The ayes have it," or, "The noes have it," according as he finds one side or the other in the majority. If there is a doubt in his mind which side has the larger number, he says, "The ayes appear to have it," or, "The noes appear to have it," as the case may be. If there is no dissent, he adds, "The ayes have it," or, "The noes have it." But should the president be unable to decide, or if his decision be questioned, and a division of the house be called for, it is his duty immediately to divide or arrange the assembly as to allow the votes on each side to be accurately counted; and if the members are equally divided, the president must give the casting vote. It is the duty of every member to vote; but in some deliberative bodies a member may be excused at his own request. Sometimes it is deemed advisable to record the names of members in connection with the votes they give, in which case the roll is called by the secretary, and each answers "yes" or "no," which is noted or marked opposite his name.

5. A Quorum

A quorum is such a number of members as may be required, by rule or statute, to be present at a meeting in order to render its transactions valid or legal.

6. The Democratic Principle

All questions, unless their decision be otherwise fixed by law, are determined by a majority of votes.

7. Privileged Questions

There are certain motions which are allowed to supersede a question already under debate. These are called privileged questions. The following are the usually recognized privileged questions:

1. Adjournment.—A motion to adjourn is always in order, and takes precedence of all others; but it must not be entertained while a member is speaking, unless he give way for that purpose, nor while a vote is in progress. It is not debatable, and can not be amended.

2. To Lie on the Table.—A motion to lay a subject on the table—that is, to set it aside till it is the pleasure of the body to resume its consideration—generally takes precedence of all others, except the motion to adjourn. It can neither be debated nor amended.

3. The Previous Question.—The intention of the previous question is to arrest discussion and test at once the sense of the meeting. Its form is, "Shall the main question now be put?" It is not debatable, and can not be amended. An affirmative decision precludes all further debate on the main question. The effect of a negative decision, unless otherwise determined by a special rule, is to leave the main question and all amendments just as it found them.

4. Postponement.—A motion to postpone the consideration of a question indefinitely, which is equivalent to setting it aside altogether, may be amended by inserting a certain day. It is not debatable.

5. Commitment.—A motion to commit is made when a question, otherwise admissible, is presented in an objectionable or inconvenient form. If there be no standing committee to which it can be properly submitted, a select committee may be raised for the purpose. It may be amended.

6. Amendment.—The legitimate use of a motion to amend is to correct or improve the original motion or resolution; but a motion properly before an assembly may be altered in any way; even so as to turn it entirely from its original purpose, unless some rule or law shall exist to prevent this subversion. An amendment may be amended, but here the process must cease. An amendment must of course be put to vote before the original question. A motion to amend holds the same rank as the previous question and indefinite postponement, and that which is moved first must be put first. It may be superseded, however, by a motion to postpone to a certain day, or a motion to commit.

7. Orders of the Day.—Subjects appointed for a specified time are called orders of the day, and a motion for them takes precedence of all other business, except a motion to adjourn, or a question of privilege.

8. Questions of Privilege.—These are questions which involve the rights and privileges of individual members, or of the society or assembly collectively. They take precedence over all other propositions, except a motion to adjourn.

9. Questions of Order.—In case of any breach of the rules of the society or body, any member may rise to the point of order, and insist upon its due enforcement; but in case of a difference of opinion whether a rule has been violated or not, the question must be determined before the application of the rule can be insisted upon. Such a question is usually decided upon by the presiding officer, without debate; but any member may appeal from his decision, and demand a vote of the house on the matter. A question of order is debatable, and the presiding officer, contrary to rule in other cases, may participate in the discussion.

10. Reading of Papers.—When papers or documents of any kind are laid before a deliberative assembly, every member has a right to have them read before he can be required to vote upon them. They are generally read by the secretary, on the reading being called for, without the formality of a vote.

11. Withdrawal of a Motion.—Unless there be a rule to that effect, a motion once before the assembly can not be withdrawn without a vote of the house, on a motion to allow its withdrawal.

12. The Suspension of Rules.—When anything is proposed which is forbidden by a special rule, it must be preceded by a motion for the suspension of the rule, which, if there be no standing rule to the contrary, may be carried by a majority of votes; but most deliberative bodies have an established rule on this subject, requiring a fixed proportion of the votes—usually two thirds.

13. The Motion to Reconsider.—The intention of this is to enable an assembly to revise a decision found to be erroneous. The time within which a motion to reconsider may be entertained is generally fixed by a special rule; and the general rule is, that it must emanate from some member who voted with the majority. In Congress, a motion to reconsider takes precedence of all other motions, except the motion to adjourn.

8. Order of Business

In all permanently organized bodies there should be an order of business, established by a special rule or by-law; but where no such rule or law exists, the president, unless otherwise directed by a vote of the assembly, arranges the business in such order as he may think most desirable. The following is the order of business of the New York Debating Club, referred to in a previous section. It may be easily so modified as to be suitable for any similar society:

1. Call to order.

2. Calling the roll.

3. Reading the minutes of previous meeting.

4. Propositions for membership.

5. Reports of special committee.

6. Balloting for candidates.

7. Reports of standing committee.

8. Secretary's report.

9. Treasurer's report.

10. Reading for the evening.

11. Recitations for the evening.

12. Candidates initiated.

13. Unfinished business.

14. Debate.

15. New business.

16. Adjournment.

9. Order of Debate

1. A member having got the floor, is entitled to be heard to the end, or till the time fixed by rule has expired; and all interruptions, except a call to order, are not only out of order, but rude in the extreme.

2. A member who temporarily yields the floor to another, is generally permitted to resume as soon as the interruption ceases, but he can not claim to do so as a right.

3. It is neither in order nor in good taste to designate members by name in debate, and they must in no case be directly addressed. Such forms as, "The gentleman who has just taken his seat," or, "The member on the other side of the house," etc., may be made use of to designate persons.

4. Every speaker is bound to confine himself to the question. This rule is, however, very liberally interpreted in most deliberative assemblies.

5. Every speaker is bound to avoid personalities, and to exercise in all respects a courteous and gentlemanly deportment. Principles and measures are to be discussed, and not the motives or character of those who advocate them.17

XI.

MISCELLANEOUS MATTERS

These, some will say, are little things. It is true, they are little but it is equally clear that they are necessary things.—Chesterfield.

I.—REPUBLICAN DISTINCTIONS

We have defined equality in another place. We fully accept the doctrine as there set forth. We have no respect for mere conventional and arbitrary distinctions. Hereditary titles command no deference from us. Lords and dukes are entitled to no respect simply because they are lords and dukes. If they are really noble men, we honor them accordingly. Their titles are mere social fictions.

True republicanism requires that every man shall have an equal chance—that every man shall be free to become as unequal as he can. No man should be valued the less or the more on account of his grandfather, his position, his possessions, or his occupation. The MAN should be superior to the accidents of his birth, and should take that rank which is due to his merit.18

The error committed by our professedly republican communities consists, not in the recognition of classes and grades of rank, but in placing them, as they too often do, on artificial and not on natural grounds. We have had frequent occasion, in the preceding pages, to speak of superiors and inferiors. We fully recognize the relation which these words indicate. It is useless to quarrel with Nature, who has nowhere in the universe given us an example of the absolute, unqualified, dead-level equality which some pseudo-reformers have vainly endeavored to institute among men. Such leveling is neither possible nor desirable. Harmony is born of difference, and not of sameness.

We have in our country a class of toad-eaters who delight in paying the most obsequious homage to fictitious rank of every kind. A vulgar millionaire of the Fifth Avenue, and a foreign adventurer with a meaningless title, are equally objects of their misplaced deference. Losing sight of their own manhood and self-respect, they descend to the most degrading sycophancy. We have little hope of benefiting them. They are "joined to their idols; let them alone."

But a much larger class of our people are inclined to go to the opposite extreme, and ignore veneration, in its human aspect, altogether. They have no reverence for anybody or anything. This class of people will read our book, and, we trust, profit by its well-meant hints. We respect them, though we can not always commend their manners. They have independence and manliness, but fail to accord due respect to the manhood of others. It is for their special benefit that we leave touched with considerable emphasis on the deference due to age and genuine rank, from whatever source derived.

Your townsman, Mr. Dollarmark, has no claim on you for any special token of respect, simply because he inherited half a million, which has grown in his hands to a million and a half, while you can not count half a thousand, or because he lives in his own palatial mansion, and you in a hired cottage; but your neighbor, Mr. Anvil, who, setting out in life, like yourself, without a penny, has amassed a little fortune by his own unaided exertions, and secured a high social position by his manliness, integrity, and good breeding, is entitled to a certain deference on your part—a recognition of his merits and his superiority. Mr. Savant, who has gained distinction for himself and conferred honor on his country by his scientific discoveries, and your aged friend Mr. Goodman, who, though a stranger to both wealth and fame, is drawing toward the close of a long and useful life, during which he has helped to build up and give character to the place in which he lives, have, each in his own way, earned the right to some token of deference from those who have not yet reached an equally elevated position.

It is not for birth, or wealth, or occupation, or any other accidental circumstance, that we ask reverence, but for inherent nobility wrought out in life. This is what should give men rank and titles in a republic.

Your hired man, Patrick, may be your inferior, but it is not because he is your hired man. Another man, who is your superior in every way, may stand in the same business relation to you. He may sell you certain stipulated services for a stipulated amount of money; but you bargain for no deference that your real social position and character do not call for from him. He, and not you, may be entitled to the "wall side," and to precedence everywhere.

II.—CITY AND COUNTRY

The words civil and civilized are derived from the Latin civitas (Ital., città), a city, and polite, from the Greek πολις (polis), a city; because cities are the first to become civilized, or civil, and polite, or polished (Latin, polire). They are still, as a general rule, the home of the most highly cultivated people, as well as of the rudest and most degraded, and unquestioned arbiters of fashion and social observances. For this reason the rules of etiquette laid down in this and all other works on the subject of manners, are calculated, as the astronomers say, for the meridian of the city. The observances of the country are borrowed from the city, and modified to suit the social condition and wants of the different localities. This must always be borne in mind, and your behavior regulated accordingly. The white or pale yellow gloves, which you must wear during the whole evening at a fashionable evening party in the city, under pain of being set down as unbearably vulgar, would be very absurd appendages at a social gathering at a farm-house in the country. None but a snob would wear them at such a place. So with other things.