Parents and grown up children

By imposing a debt on our children, which they pay by passing on what they received “to the next generation” we evoke the following response:

– Expressions of protest like “I owe you nothing” or “by bringing me up you just did your duty as parents”;

– A protest and the sense that their children are indebted to them: “I don’t want to make them feel they are obliged to me”, “I had responsibilities towards my parents, now my children have the same responsibilities towards me”, “My children should repay me for what I’ve done for them, just as their children should repay them, so they should present me with grandchildren – to show me that I have not lived in vain, and to pass on their own responsibilities to them” or “I don’t want children. What do I need them for, the spongers living at my expense, who will love no one but their own children?”

– The idea that being a parent means making your children responsible, so that they are “over head and ears in debt”, those debts increasing from the moment of their birth till the death of their parents. By giving birth to their own children your children get a chance to pass their responsibilities to them. But the question is what childless people should do. Can we say that they die without paying their debts? Who are they indebted to?

– A whole number of sacrifices: people, who give up the right to create and receive something for their own pleasure and to enjoy their own achievements, actually give up the right to recognize those achievements and enjoy their results in future. This leads to their failure to experience satisfaction and pleasure. “I have dedicated all my life to my children, I want nothing for myself”. This means neglecting one’s own self and life, which makes ones’ life pointless. And all those sacrifices are offered in order to bear maximum responsibility, which will later be handed down to one’s children.

As a result we get a pit of debt filled up by many generations…

So what can we do to enjoy benefits instead of paying debts?

As babies we only use body language and make sounds in order to let others know what we want, but when we get old enough to speak, control our actions and develop conscious thinking, we quickly enter into negotiations. There are more and more situations when we have to ask for something, then we either get it or hear a refusal. If we get what we want we satisfy our needs immediately, while in case of refusal we seek other ways to achieve our goal.

The earlier parents start to “negotiate” with their children the more chances will they have to establish an equal relationship with them later. Such attitude will earn them the respect of their children at old age. In the same way, those who do not listen to their children will be ignored by them when they get old.

Meantime, recognition and acceptance of each other’s opinions does not mean agreement. On the contrary, it means being asked to express your opinion about the suggestions of your children. Then they will merely get the answer showing if you agree with them or are willing to comply with their requests. In case of disagreement or refusal they will have to find other means to get what they want.

In this way parents can either comply with children’s requests or turn them down. For instance, parents decide if they will: pay for their children’s education at the university; pay the expenses of their wedding party or holiday; or help them with advice how to find a new occupation or hobby. Parents’ refusal will give a child an incentive to:

– find the other source of funding;

– or continue negotiations with parents offering them to undertake particular obligations.

If parents and their children do not enter negotiations, their relationship is likely to suffer: they will start having conflicts with mutual accusations, or can even break up. This can lead both parents and children to question the importance of their relationship and the people involved in it, including their own selves. The life-giving relations will devalue, because the lives of those who gave birth and those who were born as a result of those relations will be devalued. They will be devalued as personalities and will be reduced to guilty debtors.

It is impossible to pay off one’s debts if you give money to someone else, instead of the person to whom you actually owe that money. Meanwhile, an invested capital is possible to accumulate and it can bring profit. A debt is a burden, while an investment is support.

Making an investment means placing one’s possessions at other person’s disposal on a contractual basis: at a certain interest, with the view of getting something valuable for the investor in future.

By making an investment the investor first of all receives approval and then the right to draw interest in any form and at any time s/he likes.

Thus, by investing money in a bank we get a card to draw our interest and a contract where terms and charges are mentioned.

The only difference between making a deposit with a bank and with one’s children is that parents make a lifelong investment in their children and cannot withdraw the full amount, except the interest.

However, parents don’t really need that. Making an investment in our children we hope to get “interest” from them at old age: attention, help, care or whatever we might need at that time and what they will be able to give us. I mentioned “give” and not “return”, because parents do not need nursing, feeding, rearing and teaching. Children receive all this from their parents when they are YOUNG. Then they do the same for their own children. This is the stage people undergo just once in their lives. The help that THE ELDERLY need is quite different as their demands are very different form the demands of children. There is only a formal likeness between them as both are physically weak and insecure. Nevertheless, that is an imaginary likeliness since children are not yet able to create anything, while the elderly are no longer able to use the things they have created. Children are the foundation where we invest money in order to receive our interest later. However, we cannot take it all, since the whole amount does not belong to us – our children create more and more things on their own. We should learn to distinguish between what is ours and what is theirs. This is the case when the principle “divide- and-rule” can be changed into “divide-and-use”.

So, parents want “interest”: the possibility to request and receive what they need at some particular time.

However, negotiations between parents and children are also a lifelong process. For that reason both sides can agree or refuse to satisfy each other’s requests; or they might not be able to fully satisfy them and might offer something else instead. Not having received what they want from their children parents can try to get that from other people. Thus, along with making investments in our children we are impelled to work hard, save money, make contributions to retirement and other funds, get involved in public life, donate for charity, maintain the existing relationships and establish relationships with new people.

We can also make an “investment” with the expectation of growing interest earnings. We invest in our children and get the interest that increases with the arrival of new generations and people who interact with them.

When parents do not negotiate with their children but just give them what they need without getting their acknowledgement and confirmation that a deposit is made and, consequently, receive no reward from them, they begin to feel like their entire life “has gone down the drain”. They explain such state by their children’s alleged failure to accomplish anything significant. Thus all the efforts taken by parents are wasted as they try to find faults with their children and suffer because of their mistakes and failures.

Meantime children begin to feel empty and desperate. They start with ascribing their problems to unfavorable conditions and end up blaming their parents, claiming that parents did not give them what they needed, and whatever they gave them was useless and even harmful.

In this way, underestimating each other, children and parents create the sense of “black hole”, emptiness, incompleteness, vanity of life and even its absence. “This is not a life”, – they say.

What can we do about it? Is it possible to improve such relations?

The answer is yes. The clue is in acceptance, gratitude and respect for each other. Then both sides will find joy in their mutual relations.

It would be good if parents giving to their children all they can took notice of what their children find most desirable and useful. Then they would identify which skills their children have developed thanks to their efforts and what they do best of all. When parents appreciate their children’s achievements they accept their children as they are and at the same time get the “interest” for their efforts in the form of unique qualities displayed by their children.

When grownup children accept what their parents were able to give them with gratitude and respect, they use what they have received for further development. In this way they prepare to return the “interest” to their parents by showing appreciation and consideration to them. Admitting that their parents should be given credit for many of their achievements children reach harmony with their own personalities, which allows them to create something new, which is their own and is not dictated by their parents or any other circumstances.

In such case both parents and their grownup children are freed from mutual accusations, criticism and resentment against each other, which enables them to build the relationships where they will feel themselves as integral, independent and successful people.

Indeed, recognition of others makes us free.

It is never too late to start

I often hear from my colleagues, who have learnt psychology at a mature age, express their regret that they had not been taught that subject before. Indeed, now we find out that we did not use to know many things when we were younger and how we behaved was incorrect, if not harmful to our children. It seems that if we had known more we would have been able to avoid mistakes and consequently would have better relations with our children, who are now grownup people. Now you will hear from parents of grownup children words like those uttered by my colleague – a 50-year-old woman whose daughter is 28: “How many things we did not know about people, family, relations and were not able to do for our children! Now it’s too late. My daughter is already an adult”.

But we did what we could and gave them what we could give. We gave our children everything we had, sparing no efforts and we have a share in all the best qualities and achievements of our children. However, we usually don’t appreciate our children’s merits just as well as our own merits and efforts. Then our children too fail to appreciate all the good things we did for them and take us for granted. Instead they don’t forget to mention our mistakes, faults and inability or unwillingness to give them everything they wanted. It is like a saying: “When people don’t have anything to discuss they start discussing problems”.

By the way, we can still give our children what we were not able to give them before. We can do it now if we think they need it. It is true that they have already grown up, but we can do the same just treating them differently. Now it will be an adult-to-adult and not parent-to-child relationship, which will involve more dialogue and less teaching or passing on our knowledge. This is how we should treat our children and how they should treat us.

It is not late but it’s just the right time now! Parents and children are learning in the same way. Hence, when we parents learn something new, we can share it with our children who, like us, are open for new knowledge, except we are 50 and they are 28. The ability to learn new things is not lost but develops as we grow older.

By the way, 28 years ago many accomplishments that are now strengthened by a great number of studies and are available to the “general public” were not known. At that time psychology was practically in its first stages and the achievements in that field were only accessible to scholars, doctors and “the powers that be”. There were no popular book series like “Assist Yourself” or “Psychology for Everybody”. So how could we give our children something what we did not have ourselves?

Now we have got all those things and can share them with our children. They have become available to us now, when we are already 50, while our children got access to them at the age of 28, which should be taken into account. Some of us already have grandchildren and the current knowledge about a Human Being, which seems quite normal for them, is such a novelty for us. They were born in our time and they naturally take many things for granted, though they will be responsible for further development of what they received without efforts. As for us, while we are alive it’s never too late to try to understand our children. By sharing our knowledge and experience we enrich each other’s lives. The main thing is to be willing and to start doing that.

Considering as “adults”

Parents are the first to notice that their children are behaving like adults. Seeing this they either accept the fact or ignore it. They can encourage their children to become adults or can make fun of them and humiliate them. Parents sometimes demand from their children to behave like adults, but refuse to face the reality when their children announce that they are already grownups. Parents find it especially difficult to admit that their children are adults when those begin to confront them.

As for children, insisting that their adulthood should be recognized, they often refuse to behave like adults towards their parents and other adults. Influenced by the attitude of their parents and other older people they do not always appreciate their being adults. So they seem to try to remain the children of their parents forever.

Hence, we get a “triple paradox” (a unity and conflict of opposite desires). For their part children make the following demands:

– Parents have to accept the fact that I have grown up and I am ready to live separately from my family;

– I need to be sure that “parents will be always there” for me, to guide me and ensure my safety “as I am growing up”;

– I need to know that I keep my place in the family hierarchy: I remain the child of my parents.

The “children’s paradox” is backed up by the respective “parents’ paradox”:

– To support children as they grow up and develop, and play the role of a “mature parent” letting the children live separately from the family;

– Be responsible for all and any actions of the children as creators and organizers of the atmosphere, environment and facilities enjoyed by them;

– Show to the children that they want to preserve their own and their children’s positions within the system and get their approval too. Parents can obtain support on this from other family members and friends.

In order to maintain balance which, on the one hand, allows everybody to keep their structural places and functions within the system, and on the other hand, ensure continuous growth and development, mutual relations should change depending on the situation. For example, in case of a dialogue involving the exchange of opinions and achievements both parents and children need to recognize “adults” in each other, which will enable them to communicate on equal terms. These are horizontal relations. The relations where they retain their family statuses (of a parent and a child) will be vertical in any circumstances (within and outside the family). However, it seems more natural to both parents and children to have vertical relations most of the time, because that is more like the initial, natural order of their lives and the structure of their families.

Separation in relations

In the Russian dictionary compiled by S. I. Ozhegov we read: “Separatism – a tendency to separation, isolation3”.

According to our observations based on our practice of working with clients and our own experience separation in relations is more than just separation, it is:

1. Interdependency and not independence;

2. Communication (of adults) and not absence of communication;

3. “Having mutual relationships with others” instead of being isolated from them. It is not a separation or isolation from other people but having equal relationships;

4. Through recognition of the value of “Oneself” and other people, arrangement of communication between “integral selves”;

5. Implementation of one’s plans considering that s/he is not alone but is in a mutual relationship with other people. This is willingness and ability to take into account: (a) what effect the implementation of one’s plans will have on their relations with those who are important to them, that is the people with whom they have long-term relationships; (b) How they will maintain and if necessary reorganize their relations in the process of implementing their plans; (c) How, despite different plans and circumstances, they will manage to maintain relations and not allow them to end;

6. The ability to maintain different kinds of relations (at the same time) with different people and systems, the ability to be flexible in different roles in order to establish different types of relationships;

7. It is not a mere separation, but a “separation for some reason”. This is separation for the purpose of establishing relations and not ending them.

Children may come back after their parents let them go, or they may protest – not against the fact that they were allowed to go, but against the form in which their parent did it.

Children may want separation, while their parents cling to them trying to prove to themselves and their children that they will always stay together.

Parents admit that without children their life, or the life they have as parents, will become meaningless. However, they have to accept and create their own life (establish relations with other people including their children) where they will have different roles and will be engaged in other fields than their family. They may find it very difficult after many years of dedicating all of their efforts to fulfillment of their parental responsibilities. That is why parents are often reluctant to let their children go, fearing that they will be abandoned.

Taking pride in their children and knowing that they have a share in their children’s achievements can make it much easier for parents to overcome the difficult period of separation. It is also important for parents to see that their children have become what they are thanks to them and it is thanks to them that they are able to live on their own instead of just being a branch of a tree planted by their parents.

Children subconsciously know that their parents were always there and will always be there, just like branches of a tree feel, though may not admit, that below them there is a trunk and roots. They live and grow, stretch out towards the sun and seem to avoid obstacles independently. Then they begin to sprout up and bloom, and finally bear fruit, but the fruit belongs not only to the branches, but to the whole tree.

Children are not afraid to reject their parents knowing that they will be always there. In fact they have internalized (imbibed their image and values) their parents and bear a little bit of them all their lives. Even when they “fall off” their parental tree like fruit or seeds, or autumn leaves they inherit many things from it, which they do not realize and that is why are not afraid to leave the tree.

Children find it difficult to recognize their independence and responsibility for their own lives, actions and emotional experience, so they prefer to hold their parents responsible for everything: “They did not teach me…”, “They made me do that, so I don’t want to do that again” or quite the contrary “I am used to that”.

Unfortunately, grownup children make similar accusatory monologues against their fiancés (fiancées) as well, which prevents them from getting married or leads them to a family breakup. If people get married in order to separate from parents their marriage is condemned to failure or will be filled with mutual reproaches, power struggle and rivalry. Moreover, it is possible to fix any kind of relations – transform, change or in extreme case end them – with the people with whom you are in a relationship, but not with others, because those will be different relations with different people. One can create new roles based on the experience gained from the same structural organization. We already know that, among other things, the relations between a parent and a child are vertical, while the relations between spouses are horizontal, which means that the mentioned two kinds of relations are differently directed

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Примечания

1

The Third, Fourth and Fifth Parts are absent in the present English version of the book. They are included in the text of the original Russian version of the book: Манухина Н.М. Родители и взрослые дети. Парадоксы отношений. – М., КЛАСС, 2011.

2

Хеллингер Б. И в середине тебе станет легко. М., 2003. С. 26.

3

Hereinafter cited according to the edition: Ожегов С.И. Словарь русского языка. М., 1988.