If Only Forever

Amongst the crowds, Emily spotted Trevor Mann. Once, the sight of him would have filled her with dread; they had been enemies the moment Trevor had decided to make it his life’s mission to kick Emily out of the inn. But that had all changed over the last month when he’d discovered he had an inoperable brain tumor. Far from being Emily’s enemy, Trevor was now her closest ally. He’d paid all of her back taxes – hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth – and now welcomed her into his home on a regular basis for coffee and cake. It pained Emily to see him suffering. Every time she saw him he seemed more frail, more in the grips of illness.

Emily approached him now. When he saw her, his face lit up.

“How are you?” Emily asked, embracing him. He felt thinner, his bones protruding sharply into her as they hugged.

“As well as can be expected,” Trevor replied, lowering his gaze.

It shocked Emily to see him this way, to see him looking frail and defeated.

“Is there anything you need help with?” she asked, softly, keeping her voice hushed so as not to embarrass the man’s pride.

Trevor shook his head, just as Emily expected him to. It wasn’t in his nature to accept help. But it wasn’t in her nature to accept no for an answer.

“Chantelle’s been making snowflake chain decorations,” she said. “They’re just bits of glitter paper really but she’s really proud and wants all the neighbors to have one. Okay if we come by and drop one off tomorrow?”

It was a sly trick, but Trevor fell for it.

“Well, I suppose we may as well have some tea and cake,” he said. “If you’re already coming around, that is.”

Emily smiled to herself. There were ways through Trevor’s armor, and she resolved then to visit her neighbor at the next available opportunity.

“Anyway, I was hoping to see you here,” Trevor said, taking her hand in his. He was so cold, Emily noted, and his skin had a clammy feel. There was a sheen of sweat on his brow. “I have something for you,” he continued.

“What’s that?” Emily asked as he produced a piece of paper from his pocket.

“Blueprints,” Trevor said. “Of your house. I was going through my attic, trying to get everything sorted for… well, you know what for.” His voice grew quiet. “I’m not sure how they got mixed up in my things but I thought you might want them. They were drawn up by your father and his attorney, you see, and I know how much you want things regarding your father.”

“I do,” Emily stammered, taking the paper from his hands.

She gazed down at the faded pencil drawing. They were architect’s plans. She gasped as she realized that the plans were for entire property, including the swimming pool in the outhouse, the one that Charlotte had drowned in. A lump formed in Emily’s throat. She folded the paper quickly and shoved it into her bag.

“Thank you, Trevor,” she said. “I’ll look at that later.”

They parted ways and Emily rejoined Daniel and Chantelle.

“What did Trevor want?” Daniel asked.

“Nothing,” Emily said, shaking her head. She wasn’t ready to talk about it yet; she was still reeling from the experience. The paper seemed to beckon to her in her bag. Could it be another piece of the puzzle that explained her father’s disappearance?

Just then, the countdown for the lights began. Emily’s mind swirled with memories of being here as a child, a preteen, a teenager. She seemed to pass through all those forgotten moments, year on year. Some contained Charlotte, alive and smiling, but many more did not; many were just her and her father, sinking more deeply into depression and distraction.

Then white lights burst from the tree and everyone began to whoop and cheer. Emily was pulled back into the present day, her heart racing.

“Are you okay?” Daniel asked, concerned. “You keep blacking out.”

Emily nodded to reassure him, but she was trembling. Her mind seemed frantic. All these memories were suddenly resurfacing and she wondered if they’d been triggered by the discovery that her father was indeed alive. It was as if her mind had decided that she could now reach back into the past and remember her father because she wouldn’t be consumed with grief in doing so. Perhaps, if Emily were patient enough, she’d recover a memory that would help her in her quest to find him, something that would tell her exactly where he was hiding.

*

Exhausted from their evening of fun, Emily and Daniel tucked Chantelle into bed as soon as they arrived home. Chantelle asked for a story to be read to her and Emily obliged. But once the story was over, Chantelle seemed pensive.

“What’s wrong?” Emily asked.

“I was thinking about my mom,” Chantelle said.

“Oh.” Emily felt her stomach tighten at the thought of Sheila, back in Tennessee. “What about her, sweetie?”

Chantelle looked at Emily with her wide, blue eyes. “Will you protect me from her?”

Emily’s heart clenched. “Of course.”

“Promise,” Chantelle said in a desperate, pleading voice. “Promise me she won’t come back.”

Emily held her tight. She couldn’t promise because she didn’t know how the legal challenge to Sheila’s guardianship would go.

“I will do everything I possibly can,” Emily said, hoping her words would be enough to soothe the terrified child.

Chantelle lay back, her head on the pillow, blond hair splayed, and seemed to relax. A few moments later, she fell asleep.

Chantelle asking about her mom had awoken something in Emily. She and Patricia had spoken not that long ago when Emily had tried, and failed, to get her mother to join her in their Thanksgiving celebrations at the inn. Her mom refused to come and visit the house in Sunset Harbor; she viewed it as belonging to Roy, as a place she had been banished from. Even so, Emily thought, Patricia was still a part of her life. It was time to bite the bullet and tell her about the upcoming wedding.

Emily stood from Chantelle’s bed, wrapped herself in a shawl, and went out onto the porch. She sat on the swinging seat, tucked her legs beneath her, and took one look up at the shining moon and stars. Something in their twinkling light gave her courage. She scrolled through the contacts in her cell and dialed her mom’s number.

As always, Patricia answered the phone with a brusque, “Yes?”

“Mom,” Emily said, inhaling, trying to hold onto her courage. “I have something to tell you.”

There was little point in pretending to make polite conversation. Neither of them wanted that. May as well cut to the chase.

“Oh?” Patricia said flatly.

Emily had thrown a few curveballs her mom’s way over the last year, from upping and leaving her home in New York, breaking up with Ben after seven years together, running off to Sunset Harbor, opening a B&B, and falling so madly in love with Daniel that she’d agreed to help raise his child. Her mom had, unsurprisingly, disapproved of every single one of Emily’s choices. The chances of her accepting the engagement were slim to none.

“Daniel asked me to marry him,” Emily finally managed to say. “And I agreed.”

There was a pause, one that Emily had predicted. Her mom used silence like a weapon, always providing Emily with enough time to worry about the thoughts that were crossing her mind.

“And you’ve been dating this man for how long?” Patricia finally said.

“Coming up to a year now,” Emily replied.

“One year. When you have fifty or so to spend together.”

Emily let out a huge sigh. “I thought you’d be happy I was finally settling down. You always loved rubbing it in my face how long you’d been married by my age.” Emily could hear the tone of her voice and cringed. Why did her mom always bring out the belligerent child in her? Why did she care so much about getting her approval when Patricia herself seemed to care so little about her daughter?

“I suppose he needs a mother for that child of his,” Patricia said.

Emily spoke between her teeth. “Her name is Chantelle. And that’s not why he asked. He asked because he loves me. And I said yes because I love him. We want to spend forever together so you should just get used to it.”

“We’ll see,” Patricia replied in a monotone way.

“I wish you could just be happy for me,” Emily said, her voice beginning to waver. “You’re going to be the mother of the bride, after all. People will expect to see you proud and cordial.”

“Who says I’m coming?” Patricia snapped back.

The words stung Emily like a slap. “What do you mean? Of course you’re coming, Mom, it’s my wedding!”

“There’s no of course about it,” Patricia replied. “I’ll RSVP to my wedding invitation when I receive it.”

“Mom…” Emily stammered.

She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Would her mom really not come just to spite her? What would people think? Probably that Emily was an orphan, without her dad there, without her mom. And no sister. In many ways, she was an orphan. It was just her against the world.

“Fine,” Emily said, suddenly hot-cheeked. “Do what you want. You always have.” Then she ended the call without saying goodbye.

Emily didn’t want to cry. In fact, she refused to. Not for her mom, it wasn’t worth it. But for her dad, that was another matter altogether. She missed him desperately, and now that she was convinced he was still alive, she wanted to see him badly. But there was no way of reaching him. The woman he’d been cheating on her mom with had passed away several years ago, and anyway, she’d been as stumped as the rest of them about Roy’s disappearance. All Emily knew was that while not having her mom at the wedding would be painful, not having her dad there would be devastating. In that moment, Emily doubled her resolve to track him down. Someone somewhere must know something.

Emily went back inside the inn. She was tired from the long day and climbed the stairs to bed. But when she reached her bedroom she saw that Daniel wasn’t there. Her momentary panic was quelled when Daniel entered the room, cell phone in hand.

“Where have you been?” Emily asked.

“I just called my mom,” Daniel replied. “To tell her about the wedding.”

Emily almost laughed with surprise. That they’d both call their moms simultaneously like that was more than a coincidence; it was clearly a sign of their connection to one another.

“How did it go?” Emily asked, though she could tell by Daniel’s expression that the answer wasn’t going to be good.

“How do you think?” Daniel said, raising an eyebrow. “She played the Chantelle card again, saying she’ll only come to the wedding if we promise to let her spend regular time with Chantelle. I wish she could see what a destructive force she can be and understand why I don’t want her meddling with my kid. Not while she’s still drinking too much. Chantelle needs to be around sober adults after what she went through with her own mom.” He slumped onto the edge of the bed. “She just can’t see my point. She doesn’t get it. ‘Everyone drinks,’ that’s what she always says. ‘I’m no worse than anyone else.’ Maybe she isn’t, but it’s not what Chantelle needs. If she cared about her granddaughter as much as she claims she does, she’d kick the habit for her sake.”

Emily climbed onto the bed behind him and rubbed the tension from his shoulders. Daniel relaxed beneath her soft touch. She pressed a kiss onto his neck.

“I just called my mom too,” she said.

Daniel turned to face her, surprised. “You did? How did that go?”

“Terribly,” Emily said, and suddenly she couldn’t help but laugh. There was something darkly comedic about the whole thing.

Seeing Emily dissolve into laughter made Daniel crack. Soon, they were both laughing hysterically, sharing their commiserations with one another, connected in that moment and rising above it together.

“I was thinking,” Daniel said once his laughter had finally subsided. “Do you remember when Gus came to stay?”

“Yes of course,” Emily replied. The elderly gentleman had been her first real guest at the inn. Thanks to his custom she’d been saved from the brink of bankruptcy. He was also one of the most delightful people she’d ever had the privilege to meet. “How could I ever forget Gus? But what about him?”

Daniel played with the sleeve of her top idly. “Remember how he went to that party out in Aubrey? The town hall?”

Emily nodded, frowning and wondering why Daniel was bringing it up.

“Have you ever been?” Daniel asked.

Emily grew even more curious. “To Aubrey? Or the town hall?” Then she laughed. “Actually, I’ve never been to either.”

Daniel stalled, suddenly falling quiet. Emily waited patiently.

“The town hall does weddings,” he said, finally getting to the point. “I wondered if we should, you know, make an appointment or whatever it’s called? With the wedding planner? That is if you want to get married in Maine rather than New York.”

To say she felt shocked was an understatement! Hearing Daniel suggest something to do with organizing the wedding without her having to pressure him into it was a huge relief to Emily.

“Yes, I want to get married in Maine,” Emily stammered. “It feels more like a home to me than New York ever did. And I have more friends here. I don’t want to make everyone travel all the way there for the sake of tradition.”

“Cool,” Daniel replied, looking away shyly.

“When were you thinking of going?” Emily asked.

“We could head over next weekend,” Daniel suggested, still shy. “Take Chantelle. She’d love it.”

Next weekend? Emily wanted to cry. So soon?

She felt her excitement grow. What had happened to her reluctant fiancé? What had caused such a sudden change of heart? Maybe Jayne’s warning was completely unfounded after all. Daniel wanted a wedding just as much as she did. She’d been an idiot to doubt him.

But no sooner had Emily considered it than her thoughts flipped on their head. She wondered whether their horrible calls with their moms might have had something to do with Daniel’s sudden interest. Had he been spurred on by Patricia’s skepticism, wanting to prove himself as honorable and his intentions as honest? Or worse, was he just suggesting it to cheer Emily up, as a way of briefly calming her?

After agreeing to make an appointment for next Saturday, they climbed into bed. Daniel fell asleep quickly. But with concerns niggling in her mind, Emily struggled for a long time to find sleep that night.

CHAPTER FIVE

Serena walked into the B&B for her shift early Saturday morning, her arms laden with magazines.

“The tree looks great,” she said, eyeing the enormous Christmas tree.

“What are those?” Emily asked from her place behind the foyer desk.

Serena walked over to the desk and dumped the magazines in front of Emily. They were wedding catalogues.

“Oh,” Emily said, a little surprised. She’d been engaged for a whole week and hadn’t yet looked at a single magazine.

“I thought you might need some inspiration,” Serena said.

Emily thumbed through one of them, barely taking in the pictures. “Actually, Chantelle made this whole list of things for us to do. First on her list is the venue.”

Serena laughed. “Yeah, she showed me. I love how involved she is. Have you got anywhere in mind?”

Emily smiled. “Actually, we have an appointment in an hour.”

“You do?” Serena said, her eyes widening with excitement.

For the first time since the proposal, Emily felt a flutter of giddy excitement in her stomach at the thought of arranging the wedding, of walking down the aisle.

“It’s in Aubrey,” Emily continued. “It was Daniel’s suggestion, that town hall that Gus and his friends couldn’t stop gushing about.”

Just then, she heard the sound of Daniel descending the staircase and looked behind her. He’d put on his best plaid shirt and even combed his hair back. Emily smiled to herself, pleased to know he would at least make a bit of effort. Serena wiggled her eyebrows, smirking her approval.

“Chantelle’s just choosing what shoes to wear,” Daniel said as he reached the bottom step.

Emily noticed his gaze fall on the glossy magazine in her hands. It was open on a spread of beautiful wedding gowns. Emily couldn’t be certain, but she thought she saw a flicker of surprise in Daniel’s eyes, and wondered what it meant. Had he not thought about a white wedding, about her in the typical dress and veil, him in a black suit? Had he just thought they’d get married in their usual jeans and shirts? She snapped the magazine shut with sudden irritation.

A moment later Chantelle appeared at the top of the stairs. She’d put on one of her fanciest dresses, white tights, and cute shiny T-bar shoes. She looked like a china doll. Emily couldn’t help her delight at seeing how much this meant to Chantelle. At least someone was getting into the spirit of things.

Emily grabbed her purse and jacket, and, leaving the inn in Serena’s capable hands, herded her family out the door and into the pickup truck.

“Are you excited to see the venue?” Emily asked Chantelle, looking in the rearview mirror at the girl in the backseat as Daniel pulled onto the main street.

“Yes!” Chantelle exclaimed. “And to try the food!”

Emily had forgotten all about the menu tasting. She wondered if she’d be able to try it; she was so nervous about her first meeting with an actual wedding organizer that it was making her nauseous.

After the twenty-minute drive to Aubrey, they arrived at the venue. Chantelle seemed the least nervous of them all. She bounded up the stone steps, exclaiming with delight at the hanging baskets and the stained glass windows. Emily thought the venue looked beautiful from the outside; it was old and very classical looking. There were large swaths of grass surrounding it also, with apple trees which would look lovely in the wedding photos.

They were welcomed at the door by a smartly dressed young woman called Laura. She led them inside.

Emily gasped as she observed the grandeur of the place. She could just picture it now, the ceremony, the guests, the dancing. For the first time she got a mental image of what it might look like to marry Daniel, to wear the beautiful dress and walk the aisle with their loved ones watching on. She felt her breath catch in her lungs.

“Would you like to take a seat?” Laura said, gesturing to where the tasting buffet was laid out.

Everyone sat, apart from Chantelle, who paced around the venue assessing its size and décor, everything from the carpets to the artwork.

“Don’t mind her,” Emily said to Laura with a grin. “She’s our surveyor.”

Emily and Daniel tasted the first set of entrees, which were presented in little bite-sized pieces. Emily couldn’t help but feel very strange in this situation. She couldn’t tell if it was Daniel’s nerves or just her own, but it felt odd to be sitting next to him in this formal setting, taking mouthful after mouthful of different flavored dishes. It was like they didn’t belong here, like they were very out of place. Emily could barely meet his eye as they worked their way through all the food choices.

Thankfully, Chantelle eased some of the pressure with her antics. She was in fine form, striding around like she owned the place, making affirmative statements about which foods she liked and didn’t.

“I think you should have this for starter,” she said decisively, pointing at the tomato and mozzarella bites, “then the fish for main, and for dessert…” She tapped her chin. This clearly took a bit more thought. “Go for the cheesecake.”

Everyone laughed.

“But you’ve picked the three most expensive things on the menu!” Emily pointed out, giggling.

Laura seemed to take that as a cue to touch on the subject of money. “Have you decided on a food budget?” she asked.

“We haven’t even decided on a wedding budget yet,” Daniel joked, but Emily couldn’t quite see the funny side. It felt a little too close to the bone. Why hadn’t they decided that yet? Why hadn’t they decided anything yet? Come to think of it, after deciding to make this appointment, they hadn’t sat down again to discuss anything.

“Well, that’s okay for now,” Laura said, giving them a professionally blank smile. “It does take some time to sort all these things out. I don’t suppose you have any idea about how many guests you’ll be having? The venue can take two hundred.”

“Oh, um…” Emily scratched her neck. If they didn’t know whether their own mothers would come, how on earth were they supposed to know about the other guests! “We’re still finalizing the numbers.”

“No problem at all,” Laura said, tipping her eyes back down to her ring binder, which contained glossy photos of food, flowers, and decorations, along with a list of prices and customizations.

Though she still had that robotically professionals smile on her face, Emily could read in her eyes a growing exasperation. She must be wondering how she was going to help them organize anything if they didn’t know even the basics.

“Our suggested layout would be with the head table over there,” Laura explained, gesturing toward the stage area at the back of the room. “That’s usually for the wedding party, so bridesmaids, groomsmen, family. You can have a small table for just six, or a large table for up to sixteen. Do you have a rough idea of the numbers?”

Emily felt her chest constricting. This was a disaster. And Daniel seemed more nervous than her. In fact, he looked downright uncomfortable.

“It’s a bit complicated,” Emily explained. “With our families. Maybe we should move on and come back to that a bit later.”

She couldn’t bear the tension anymore. Laura looked flustered too, clearly realizing she wasn’t dealing with the usual here.

“Yes of course.” She quickly flipped through several pages in her binder. “So we have the large double doors over there. They can be left open if the weather is nice. Are you hoping for a spring or summer wedding, or are you more of an autumn/winter couple? We’re completely booked for spring and summer next year so you’d have to wait, but we have autumn and winter spots available.”

Emily watched Daniel’s reaction to the news that their wedding could take place as early as next September. He went completely pale. The sight of him made Emily even more nervous.

Chantelle seemed to be picking up on the tension. Her goofy confidence was waning. She kept looking from Emily to Daniel, her enthusiasm fading with every passing moment.

“Maybe we should take your card for the time being,” Emily said to Laura. “Rearrange when we know a few more details.” She stood abruptly.

“Oh, oh, okay,” Laura said, taken aback, dropping her binder in her haste to stand and shake Emily’s hand.

Emily did so quickly. Then she rushed out of the venue, leaving Daniel behind to shake Laura’s hand just as swiftly. She burst out of the doors and onto the steps, listening to the sound of Daniel’s distant voice explaining to Laura that they’d be in touch.

Out in the cold, Emily held back her tears. She was shaken to the core. Not just from their lack of plans, or from Daniel’s general quietness over the last few days, but from the micro-expressions he was making and what she inferred from them. Did Daniel actually want to marry her or was the proposal some impulsive moment he’d gotten swept up in? Was the reality of choosing a date in the not too distant future giving him cold feet? What if he took the cowardly approach of pushing the wedding back a few years, leaving her in a state of limbo, dragging out the engagement for as long as possible just as Jayne had warned?

“Emily,” Daniel tried as he and Chantelle joined her.

She felt his fingertips brush her hand but she pulled away, not wanting his touch at this moment in time.

Daniel didn’t try again. She heard him sigh. Then, silently, everyone piled back into the pickup truck.

The mood on the drive home couldn’t have been more different from the mood on the way there. It was almost as if the air was permeated with anxiety. Chantelle’s cute outfit suddenly seemed like a façade, like they’d dressed her up in order to trick Laura into viewing them like any other happy, uncomplicated family when they were in fact anything but. Their pasts – hers, Daniel’s, even Chantelle’s – complicated everything. And worse than that, their pasts complicated their very beings, their personalities, their abilities to deal with pressure and stress, their abilities to relate to one another.

For what felt like the hundredth time since he proposed, Emily wondered what was really going on inside Daniel’s head.