The Remarkable History of Sir Thomas Upmore, bart., M.P., formerly known as «Tommy Upmore»

"'No fear of her tongue, captain, although she has got a very handsome one; and her teeth are all pearls, and her lips are coral, and her eyes are as blue as the sky, and much brighter, and her hair is spun gold; you never saw such a beauty.'

"'I don't care a d – n for all that,' I replied, 'a woman aboard is the devil himself.'

"But, when I found that all these beauties were real, and could have no deception about them, (because the fair woman was made of wood) I became very eager to possess these charms, if it might be done, without fool-hardiness. Edwards assured me, that with a little dash, and management, it might well be done; for Jumbilug's house was a good bit away from the town of these savages, and very near the sea. And if we desired to punish the barbarians – as every man John of us burned to do – for the murder of poor little Tommy, and the massacre, roasting, and devouring of seventeen helpless white men, nothing could be such a desperate blow to them, as to lose their idol. For generation, after generation, had spent their best treasures in adorning her.

"'If she's worth a penny, she's worth £50,000; and they'd rather lose their biggest chief, and all their wives, and daughters. I'm no judge of jewels, captain, but her eyes are something to beat all female embellishment. They come after you, all over the place, and they shine by night, like a million fire-flies. The tradition of the people is, that they were brought by a bird with great wings, from a country far away; perhaps an old trading ship from Borneo. Anyhow, there they are; and the pearls of teeth, as big as my thumb pretty nearly, and the tongue some red jewel they pick out of the rocks, and the hair spun gold almost down to her waist, and the whole of the breast covered up with fine pearls – ah, you should have seen her when the full moon shone, as it did upon the night when I was dedicated!'

"This description, my dear Tommy, produced a very fine effect upon my mind. I have heard your dear mother say, a hundred times, that nothing is so elevating to the male nature as admiration of a virtuous female. And where could I hope to find any female, half so virtuous as Jumbilug? But I cautioned Rees Edwards, not to let our fellows know, what the value of this fair maiden was.

"'You are right,' he made answer, 'we should lose half her pearls; though the other things won't come out easily at all. When the priest was asleep one night, I just ventured to feel the bright tip of her tongue; but it was firm, anchored in good holding ground. We must have a scheme to bring her off entire, and not let them know that we do it for her value, but for the outrage and cruelty of them. All that we can plan out afterwards; but first find out, whether they are up for it. Of course if they are not, we can't drive them to it.'

"I questioned our fellows about this matter, and found them not only quite ready, but eager, and I might say wild, to go forth upon this venture. And that, not only for the spree, as sailors call it; but with the prospect combined, of revenge for the loss of little Tommy, and of punishing niggers for eating superior flesh, and of bringing back snug bits of plunder, on their own account. For I promised them everything they could lay hold of, and carry away, except Jumbilug herself – not for her value, as I told them plainly, but as a curiosity for a Museum; which might even give me £50 for her. They knew that I had never been a greedy man, and they promised to give me some of their own share, if it should be worth my acceptance.

"Being hard-set for time, we resolved to do it, on the very next night, having made up our minds to keep our allies at the fort outside it, because of the claims they might set up. There would be no moon, and those wretched man-eaters would be all fast asleep, as Rees Edwards told us, within two hours after sunset. They might have set a watch upon the schooner; but they could not see boats at that distance from the shore, and they had no canoes on this side of the point. So we left the wounded men, to mind the craft, with the two brass carronades loaded; and slipped off, all in the yawl this time, ten of us, I think, besides the Welshman, with muffled oars, and all guns loaded.

"By water the distance was less than by land, and with Rees Edwards steering, we made the land, right under the joss-house in about three hours. It was very dark here; for the starlight was shut out, by trees overhanging the water; and leaving two hands to mind the yawl, and just keep her afloat, for all was calm as a duck-pool, nine of us landed with guns and axes, and without a word, made for the temple.

"We found the very hole, by which Edwards had escaped, only roughly stopped with brushwood, which we removed quietly; and then the Welshman entered, and went round the place, knowing every corner of it, as soft as a mouse, and then came back, and whispered —

"'Only the old priest here, and he's snoring in the lobby. Captain, come in, and the rest wait signal.' This had been settled between us; and first we gagged the old priest, and corded him, for he was not a bad fellow, compared with some, and had been pretty good to his captive. Then we rolled up Jumbilug, whose eyes were sparkling, in a piece of sailcloth, which I had brought for the purpose, and we lashed it round her ankles, and above her golden hair. Then we ran to the front gate, and let in our fellows, and they struck a light, and looked about them.

"There was plenty of glitter, and a lot of little images, and Brummagem beads, and bits of glass, and such like, but very little gold – except Jumbilug's own – for the island produced none, I dare say. However, there were pearls upon almost every image, and a lot of lovely shells, and shining spar, and coral. Every man took whatever caught his eye, while Edwards and myself lifted Jumbilug, who was about five feet long, from her pedestal, and carried her – though she was a precious weight – to the boat, and laid her in the stern-sheets. Then we ran back, and fetched out our men, for fear of accidents; and all well-laden made off in high feather. And it was high time, I can tell you, Master Tommy, for we heard a tremendous row, before we turned the point, screeching, and wailing, and the shrieks of women. Perhaps they had seen our lights up in the village, which was not more than half a mile away, and the building had windows in the dome made of talc, or some such half-transparent stuff. We were heartily pleased with our job, and gave them three cheers for their liberality.

"In the morning, we made sail for the fort all pledged to say nothing about our exploit, even to the factor; but every man stowing away his own loot, without any quarrelling about it, and, of course, giving proper share to those outside. But when Rees Edwards came into my cabin, and we unrolled Jumbilug privately, I can tell you that I stared, as I never stared before at any female figure. She was ten times as gorgeous as he had described her; and the wealth of whole ages was in and upon her. I insisted that Edwards should take his fair share, though he laid no claim to anything. We stood her upright against the bulk-head, as handsome as paint, and as bright as a star; and then we looked at her, and she looked at us, as if begging us not to spoil her beauty.

"'First choice to you, captain,' said the Welshman; but I answered, 'No, let us toss for it;' and so we did, and I won, and made choice of her eyes. And then we went on, turn and turn, until there was nothing left but the wooden block; and even that was very clever, I can tell you, and would fetch £50 for a museum, I believe. He got the teeth, which I was very glad of, – a dozen large pearls half as big as my thumb; but I got the golden hair, and made a present of it all, except one lock, to Rob McAlister, who was prouder of it than of his sweetheart. Also I got – but there, what's the use of talking of it? You have heard what careless scattergoods all honest sailors are. There is nothing left of all of it, but only these here; and they'd have gone long ago, but for being in my caul."

Uncle William sighed a little, at the end of his long yarn, as if he should never spin such another; and then, from inside the blue woollen thing he wore on the hoops of his ribs, out he pulled a little packet, something (like a worn-out piece of bladder from a jam-pot) rolled, and tied with yellow silk.

"Open it yourself," he said, "but have a care of my caul, young Tommy, which has saved me fifteen times from drowning; though the Lord knows, I shall never want it any more. This old ship is chartered for a voyage to Kingdom come. Perhaps that Coast-fever has been and spoiled the colour of them. I haven't seen them, now, for a twelvemonth or more; though I feel 'em going into my ribs pretty often. One will be for you, and one for your mother; as soon as you have put me under ground."

"Uncle Bill," I said, "we don't mean to do anything of that kind. You shan't go aloft, as you call it, for forty years yet. Why, what most wonderful things, I declare! What lovely gold, and what amazing stones!"

He looked at me with a very pleasant smile; "Something like your hair, the gold is spun up, Tommy, ain't it? Only yours have got more touch of nut-colour in it. Indian work, that is, I reckon; stolen out of some wreck, with the stones, no doubt. No savage work there, and no English goldsmith, nor French either, could come near it. Mysore, or Tanjore, or Trichinopoly; but I believe the stones must have come from Borneo. At least, so the only knowing man I ever showed them to, thought they must have done, though he couldn't say how; and Jumbilug had worn them for three hundred years, at a rough guess; for ten men's time, the savages told Edwards. He told me, he believed they must be blue diamonds; but I never heard of such things; I call them sapphires. And I wouldn't tell you, what the island is – why, do you think? Because such a Government as we've got now, would insist upon what they call 'restitution.' They'd send out one of them iron pig troughs things they have turned the British navy into to re-build Jumbilug, and fit her up again, with her eyes at our expense; and all the rest at the cost of the British taxpayers; and then give her a Royal salute, and steam away, for fear of hurting the feelings of the natives."

"And perhaps," I replied – for this reminded me of Roly's views upon that subject – "they would put half a hundred of plump Englishmen ashore, as a meet and proper offering to the injured Jumbilug."

CHAPTER XXXIII.

STRONG INTENTIONS

Such a weight came off the heart of good Uncle William, and such a relief was afforded to his ribs – where the parcel had made a great hole, as he showed me like the postmaster's stamp on a bonnet-box – that as soon as he restored his caul to its proper and inborn aptitude of comfort, he was enabled to be just to another tidy quid, and another glass of grog, not so very fountain-heady.

"Don't let me see them any more," he said, when he found himself ready for a bit to eat; "they have buttoned up the locker of my poor stomach, and I believe that's how I took the fever, to which I was never born natural. But not a word to your dear mother about them, until I tip the signal. That old Jew wanted, oh, how he did try, to get these beauties out of me! He would have given me a thousand pounds apiece for them; and that proves them to be worth at least ten times as much. Get a fair opinion about them, my lad; and then lock them away, unless you want the money."

I could not help admiring the very clever way, in which Uncle William had encircled the blue stones with the spun wreath of pure gold, as fine as any hair, quite as if they were a pair of brooches in gold setting. And this fetched the colour up, or made them show by contrast, with a lustre, at once very clear and very dark; though both of the crystals were still in the rough. They were something like a pear in form; which explains little, for pears are as different in shape as men are. What I mean is a pear of the variety which the dealers call the "Duchess," which tapers less than the Jargonelle, but much more than the Bergamots. Between the two crystals there was very little difference, in size, or weight, or colour, each of them turning an ounce in the scales. But much as I admired them, and could look at them for hours; it did not seem likely that they could be worth what Uncle William talked about.

Upon this point I determined to consult Professor Megalow, who knew nearly as much about stones as bones; till I saw in the Times that he was sent to Egypt, upon some important scientific errand; and then it occurred to me to ask Sir Roland. Not that he was likely to know anything about it, but that he might commend me to a skilful and upright jeweller, such as a family of rank and wealth were likely to have dealings with.

And even while I was thinking of him, up he rode, in his usual haste, upon a showy-looking hack; for the Twentifolds had given up their London establishment, at the death of the previous baronet. With very great pleasure, I ran down to meet him; for although "Placid Bower" was not very grand, I knew that he would be well pleased with it, his nature being very kind, and frank, and hearty. Of course he spoke first, for he always took the lead.

"Why, Tommy, what a beautiful place you have got! I envy you, my dear boy, that I do. And such a look out! You can see the Victoria tower, and read the clock over the bridge with a moderate glass; and on a clear day, you can see the Derby run. You rogue, you never told me of this snug shop, the very place for an industrious M.P. And that is what I'm come about; as well as the pleasure of seeing you, my dear friend, and your good mother."

"Mother will be home in an hour or two," I said; "and we'll make your horse comfortable, and you too, I hope. She is gone to see Bill Chumps' intended, and advise about all the great preparations. He is going to marry Miss Windsor, who has come into a tidy little lump of money – £12,125, entirely at her own disposal. But of course, they will have a settlement."

"Holloa!" he answered; "well that beats me. I thought you were sweet in that quarter, Master Tommy. But you look very jolly, so I hope it is all right. Take me into your own den first. I want to have a pipe, and a chat with you. Well, here we are! Just the sort of place I like. Books enough to look at, and remind you of past woes; with their backs shown like scattered enemies. But I don't half like this news of yours. I did not mean Chumps to get married, for ten years. It takes all the enterprise out of a man. On the other hand, the cash will be handy for him, and enable him to apply himself to politics, though not half enough to live upon. But I have very large ideas in my head. When do they mean to be made miserable for life?"

"Somewhere this side of Michaelmas, my mother seems to say. They have long been engaged, though old Chumps would not have it, until her Godfather discharged responsibilities. You are quite wrong, Roly, in supposing that I have any call, for a moment, to wear the willow. It is true that Miss Windsor, and your most obedient, have been very intimate from tender years, and ever must cherish sweet memories of playing together in the soapsuds. But she does not approach – she in no way realizes – she never has been to me more than a bubble."

"Tommy, your metaphor is fine; and (which is a much greater rarity) appropriate. Now, let us consider how all this bears on the one ambition of my life, and of every life at all worth living – the kicking of the Rads off the foul perch they are crowing on. They have made it foul, mind. It was clean enough, when they hopped up, by cackling, and flapping their wings, and nudging sideways, as if they meant rather to go down, than up. All the honest cocks on the top bar took it easy, and put their heads under their wings, and tucked up one leg, and spread out the claws of the other; till down they went headlong, tumbling on their combs at the rush of a cock, who had sworn he would not fight. And fight he won't now, to preserve his hen's eggs; but only to keep his own perch to himself, and the few little bantams he allows to come up. Meanwhile, rats and weasels increase and flourish; not a sound egg of trade is there left in the nest; and of all the fat chicks of the colonies, not one is allowed to jump up on the mother's broad back, and practice a little crow, under her protection. In fact, my dear Tommy, the big cock of all, having crowed himself up to the top of the roost, has forbidden every other cock to chuckle in his throat, unless it is in chorus with him. Meanwhile, his own run is on every side invaded, and his chicks carried off, and his corn-bin robbed; but all he cares for is to keep his own perch, and be clucked to, as if he were the only cock on earth."

"I dare say that is all true enough," I answered; "but I don't see how we are to better it. What can two little cockerels, such as you and I, do?"

"Tommy, it is that accursed spirit, or want of spirit, that keeps the pest triumphant. I am a very little cockerel; as you say, and should bite the dust before the old rooster. Reason and right go down before him, and all the old principles of patriotism are a mixen for him to crow on. But why? There have been infinitely finer cocks, who would have rolled in the dirt, if they had tried to cut such capers. The reason is simply craven terror, and the want of firm union against him. Truth, and common sense, and common interests, must prevail in the end; if only they are backed up against crowing humbug. And it is the first duty of every one, who cares for his country, to bear his little share in this. Eloquence, eloquence, is all the cry – unrivalled eloquence, vast experience, unparalleled powers of mind, and so forth. But all of these cannot turn black into white, nor prove that we are clean, when they have dragged us through the mud. We are bad enough now, with our Country despised, our manufactures ruined, our agriculture bankrupt, our land worth nothing, our army made an infant-school, and our kingdom rent in twain; but madness, ten times worse than that, is threatened, and promised, for the very next Session."

"Well, let us hear the worst of it;" I answered very calmly, being used to these rodomontades of Sir Roland's, and not having found myself much the worse yet. "What does the enemy mean to do, next year?"

"You may smile, Tommy. I am afraid you are as bad as the rest; who won't try to stop the blow, until their backs are broken. What do you think of these three little measures, out of seven, which the Cabinet propose to employ the Recess in preparing, and maturing, as they call it? To give the county franchise to every man who has a dust-bin, or even a dust-pan if he lives a hundred miles from London. To prohibit landowners from having any children, after a date to be settled by the Act. To abandon Malta, Gibraltar, and Aden, and all other places held unjustly, and surrender the British fleet, and all ships of war now building, to France, and Russia, and the Irish Land League. A pretty fair programme I call that."

"And so should I, Roly, if I believed a word of it. But don't carry on with any more such chaff. Have a glass of good ale, good English malt, a sound constitutional draught, as you call it. I ordered in a firkin, and it has just got bright."

"Now, if Englishmen drank this," exclaimed Sir Roland, after a good pull at the fresh, and freshening beverage, in my silver pot, one of the many I had earned as coxswain of victorious crews, "if Britons, instead of whining about their digestions, and sipping the flat sourness of half-ripened grapes, took a good swig of such hearty stuff as that, very soon we should be Britons again. The need of the age is good ale, my Tommy; not the public-house stuff, but the genuine thing, such as every good brewery can turn out when it likes. The decay of the nation, and the triumph of the hypocrites date from the difficulty of getting decent beer. And think of the brotherhood created by good beer. I take a pull, Tommy, so do you; we look at one another, and we trust one another, and a mutual warmth goes down into our glad bosoms. Will you get such a feeling from your sulky glass of claret, or your poisonous artificial waters, or even the fizz-up-the-nose of your touch-and-go Champagne? No, my boy. One of my most cherished hopes is to supply the noble working-man, with a real good article in the way of ale; and then let him be a Rad, or let him be a Tory – at any rate he will be an Englishman again. Let us have another pull, to illustrate that sentiment."

I could not help laughing at Sir Roland's warmth, and confidence. Whatever he said, he had a way of saying, (without gesticulation, or appearance of excitement) which made at once a short cut into the mind of any listener. Perhaps because it came so straight, and clear, and sure, from his own mind; and generally in simple words, which are the wings of eloquence.

"Now, tell me what you came for, Roly," I said, being tired of politics; "have you any news from home, or anything of interest to the beer-quaffing Briton? I don't care twopence about the Government. They can't do any harm, for six months now."

"Can't they, indeed? Why, that is the very season, when they disgrace us most of all, without even having to cut the double shuffle, in answer to any honest question. However, as you don't want any more of that – though you must be roused up before February – I'll do what I can for you, in smaller matters. Understand, then, that poor Counterpagne – who ought to have made a better fight of it; I don't think an old man could have punished me like that, though I should be devilish sorry to give him such occasion – he has got no bones broken, any more than you had, when the rock gave you such a thumping. But it would have been better for him, if he had; as regards his popularity at our place. My mother won't go near him; which she must have done, if his damage had been more dangerous. You know, my darling mother is a little bit sentimental, and by no means worldly-minded; but the most stubborn of the stubborn, in her quiet, and very gentle way. She won't argue a point; she will let one talk for ever, without a word of contradiction; and there her conviction remains, as unmoved as the table one has been talking over. I knew by her face, that Sunday evening, that it was all up with Counterpagne's chance of Laura."

"Thank God!" I cried, for the news was well worth it; and then at his look of astonishment I said, "Your dear sister, in my opinion, is the most perfect of all created beings; and I would rather have my eyes put out, than see her made miserable, by a heartless, selfish, weak-minded, cold-natured, priggish, and altogether unprincipled fellow, who could never have the smallest idea of her value."

"You seem to be uncommonly warm about it, Tommy. What has poor Counterpagne ever done to you? He has his faults, I know; and he is not a sound Conservative. But he has scarcely enough character, to be so bad as you suppose him."

"He has a great deal more character, or want of it, than you think. And now that I can do him no harm with you, I will tell you a thing which I have kept to myself; though I had a hard job to conceal it from you, when I saw him continually at your sister's side. Some days before that Nathan and David business, and the very fine thrashing he received, I got a letter from an old friend of mine at Corpus, which was sent on to me from this place. And the writer, (without knowing more of Lord Counterpagne, than that Chumps knew him, and I knew Chumps) said that he had met him at his Club in London, where he was by no means popular. And then, at the very time when he was preparing to visit you, and carry on his courtship, he was living with an actress of very low repute, and had promised (as she said) to marry her. With that I have nothing to do; and I know that it is not supposed now to be any harm at all. But I thought it a low thing, for him to come, fresh from such company, and hold your sister's hand."

"You are quite right, Tommy; it was a low thing; and no gentleman, who thought twice, would have done it. And over and above all that, you know that I have a great contempt for Counterpagne."

"I know that you have. How can you help it? And yet for some trumpery bits of ground, or some dirty seat in Parliament, you have been eager to sacrifice the purest, and warmest, and sweetest heart in all the world, to such a wretch!"