The Complete Works of Josh Billings

The distrikt skoolmaster hain’t got a friend on the flat side ov earth. The boys snow-ball him during recess; the girls put water in hiz hair die; and the skool committee make him work for haff the money a bartender gits, and board him around the naberhood, whare they giv him rhy coffee, sweetened with mollassis, tew drink, and kodfish bawls 3 times a day for vittles.

And, with all this abuse, I never heard ov a distrikt skoolmaster swareing enny thing louder than —Condem it.

Don’t talk tew me about the pashunce ov anshunt Job.

Job had pretty plenty ov biles all over him, no doubt, but they were all ov one breed.

Every yung one in a distrikt skool iz a bile ov a diffrent breed, and each one needs a diffrent kind ov poultiss tew git a good head on them.

A distrikt skoolmaster, who duz a square job and takes hiz codfish bawls reverently, iz a better man to day tew hav lieing around loose than Soloman would be arrayed in all ov hiz glory.

Soloman waz better at writing proverbs and manageing a large family, than he would be tew navigate a distrikt skool hous.

Enny man who haz kept a distrikt skool for ten years, and boarded around the naberhood, ought tew be made a mager gineral, and hav a penshun for the rest ov hiz natral days, and a hoss and waggin tew do hiz going around in.

But, az a genral consequence, a distrikt skoolmaster hain’t got any more warm friends than an old blind fox houn haz.

He iz jist about az welkum az a tax gatherer iz.

He is respekted a good deal az a man iz whom we owe a debt ov 50 dollars to and don’t mean tew pay.

He goes through life on a back road, az poor az a wood sled, and finally iz missed – but what ever bekums ov hiz remains, i kant tell.

Fortunately he iz not often a sensitive man; if he waz, he couldn’t enny more keep a distrikt skool than he could file a kross kut saw.

Whi iz it that theze men and wimmen, who pashuntly and with crazed brain teach our remorseless brats the tejus meaning ov the alphabet, who take the fust welding heat on their destinys, who lay the stepping stones and enkurrage them tew mount upwards, who hav dun more hard and mean work than enny klass on the futstool, who have prayed over the reprobate, strengthened the timid, restrained the outrageous, and flattered the imbecile, who hav lived on kodfish and vile coffee, and hain’t been heard to sware – whi iz it that they are treated like a vagrant fiddler, danced to for a night, paid oph in the morning, and eagerly forgotten?

I had rather burn a coal pit, or keep the flys out ov a butcher’s shop in the month ov August, than meddle with the distrikt skool bizzness.

SINGULAR BEINGS

THE POMPOUS MAN

The pompous man iz generally a snob at home and abroad.

He fills himself up with an east wind and thinks he iz grate just bekauze he happens tew feel big.

He talks loud and large, but deceives noboddy who will take the trubble tew meazzure him.

He iz a man ov small caliber, but a good deal ov bore.

Hiz family looks upon him az the gratest man that the world haz had the honor to produce lately, and tho he gits snubbed often amungst folks, lie rekompenses himself bi going home and snubbing hiz family.

THE ONE IDEA MAN

The one idea man iz like the merino ram, he shuts up both eyes and goze for things inkontinently. He misses, ov course, oftener than he hits, but don’t kno the difference, and is always reddy to argue the question. Yu kant konvince him that he iz wrong enny more than you kan a hornet.

One idea men are their own wust enemys, and there iz but one kure for them, and that iz tew agree with them. If yu think just az they do, they will soon want tew think sum other way, and that lets two ideas git into their hed, which makes them perhaps endurable.

THE HAPPY MAN

The happy man iz a poor judge of hiz own bliss, for he kant set down and deskribe it.

Happiness iz like helth – thoze who hav the most ov it seem tew kno it the least.

Yu kant go out in the spring ov the year and gather happiness along the side ov the road just the same az you would dandylions – noboddy but a natral born phool kan do this they are alwus happy, ov course.

When i hear a man bragging how happy he iz, he dont cheat me, he only cheats himself.

THE HENPECKED MAN

The henpecked man iz most generally married; but thare are instances on reckord of single men being harrassed by the pullets.

Yu kan alwus tell one ov theze kind ov men, espeshily if they are in the company ov their wives. They look az humble and resighned tew their fate az a hen turkey in a wet day.

Thare aint nothing that will take the starch out ov a man like being pecked by a woman. It is wuss than a seven months’ turn ov the fever and agy.

The wives ov hen-pecked husbands most alwus out liv their viktims, and I hav known them tew git marrid agin, and git hold ov a man that time (thank the Lord!) who understood all the hen-peck dodges.

One ov these kind ov husbands iz an honor tew his sex.

The hen-pecked man, when he gits out amungst men, puts on an air ov bravery and defiance, and once in a while will git a leetle drunk, and then go home with a firm resolve that he will be captain ov his household; but the old woman soon takes the glory out ov him, and handles him just az she would a haff-grown chicken, who had fell into the swill barrel, and had tew be jerked out dredful quick.

THE OFFICIOUS MAN

The officious man stands around rubbing his hands, anxious for a job.

He seems tew ake for sumthing tew do, and if he gits snubbed in one place, it don’t seem tew diskourage him, but like the fly, he lights on another.

The officious man iz az free from malice as a young pup, who, if he kant do anything else, iz reddy tew lay down in front of yu and be stept on.

Theze kind ov men spend their whole lives trieing tew make friends ov all, and never succeed with any.

There iz a kind ov officious man, who iz only prompted bi his vanity, hiz anxiety tew be useful tew others don’t arise from enny goodness ov heart, but simply from a desire ov stiking hiz noze into things.

Theze kind ov individuals are supremely disgusting.

The officious man iz generally ov no use whatever tew himself, and a nusance tew everyboddy else.

I don’t know ov but phew more unfortunit disposishuns than the officious mans, for even in its very best phase, it seldom suckceedes in gitting paid for its labors with common politeness.

THE PHUNNY MAN

Thare iz hardly ennything that a man iz so vain ov az the humor that iz in him.

The phunny man iz seldum an humorist, and never a wit.

Hiz only pride iz tew make you laff; he seldum rizes abuv a jest, and very often iz the only one who kan see enny point even in that.

He iz generally the hero ov the ockashun in the rural distrikts, and kuntry bumbkins laff obstreprous whenever he opens his mouth.

The phunny man iz the clown at large, and hiz jests are sumtimes amuzing, but never remembered.

Thare iz seldum enny taint ov originality in him, and the quips and the quirks he deals in are old saws reset and refiled, and bad enuff done at that.

It iz a dredful unfortunit thing tew deal in cast oph jokes; for, like the old clothes bizzness, they will stick tew a man all thru life.

THE CHEEKY MAN

Impudence, or sumthing like it, iz the leading trait in most suckcessful mens karakters.

All the nice things that hav bin sed in favour ov modesty, fail tew stand the test when brought into the pull and haul of every-day life.

Bold assurance, while it may often disgust us; will win 9 times out ov 10.

We all ov us praze the modest, but our praze iz only a kind ov pitty, and pitty will ruin enny man.

Enny man will liv four times az long on abuse, and git phatt, az he will on pitty.

Thare iz now and then a man who iz modest, but intensely in earnest, and sutch men sweep everything before them.

The karakter ov the modest man iz a good thing, and a butiful thing tew frame and hang up in a private apartment, but experience teaches us that if we wait for our turn in this world, our turn never seems tew come round.

The cheeky man never enjoys thoze delightful sensations which arize from having yielded tew others; hiz logick iz that the arly bird gits the worm, and, regardless ov all delikasy, he goze for the worm.

Thare seems tew be nothing now daze that will warrant sukcess like cheek, and the more cheek the better, even if you hav az mutch as a mule.

THE LIVE MAN

The Live Man iz like the little pig; he iz weaned young, and begins tew root arly.

He iz the pepper-sass ov creation – the all-spice ov the world.

One Live Man in a village is like a case ov itch in a distrikt skool – he sets evry boddy scratching at onst.

A man who kan draw New Orleans molasses in the month ov January, thru a half inch augur-hole, and sing “Home! sweet home!” while the molasis iz running, may be strictly honest, but he aint sudden enuff for this climate.

The Live Man iz az full ov bizness az the conducter ov a street kar – he iz often like a hornet, very bizzy, but about what, the Lord only knows.

He lights up like a cotton faktory, and haint got enny more time tew spare than a skool-boy has Saturday afternoons.

He is like a decoy duck, alwus above water, and lives at least 18 months each year.

He is like a runaway hoss; he gits the whole ov the road.

He trots when he walks, and lies down at night only bekauze everyboddy else duz.

The live man is not always a deep thinker; he jumps at conclusions, just as the frog duz, and don’t alwus land at the spot he is looking at.

He is the Amerikan pet, a perfekt mystery tew foreigners; but he has done more (with charcoal) tew work out the greatness of this country than any other man in it.

He is jist as necessary as the grease on an axle-tree.

He don’t alwus die ritch, but alwus dies bizzy, and meets death a good deal az an oyster duz, without making enny fuss.

THE FAULT-FINDER

Good Lord, deliver us from the Falt finder, one ov yure kronick grunters, i mean. Theze kind ov human critters are alwuss full ov self consait; if tha waz humble and wud dam themself okasionally, i wud try tew pity them. Yure falt-finding old-bachelor, for instanze, odars a pair ov No. 8 boots, and then kolides with his shumaker insted ov his big feet; he walks tew the depo tew saive hack-hire and misses the trane, and then kolides with the time-table; he kourts a gal till she has tew marry sumboddy else tew keep from spileing, and then he don’t believe thare is a vartuous woman living. If he enjoys ennything he dus it under protess, and if ennyboddy else enjoys ennything he knows tha lie about it. He is like a seckund rate bull tarrier, alwus a fiteing, and alwus gitting licked. These kind ov critters never are reddy tew die, bekause tha haint never begun tew live. I never maik their ackquaintanse enny more than i dew sumboddy’s small pox, bekause i am a looking after bright things and haint got enny to lose. Thare aint enny remedee for this dissease but hunger, and that aint parmanent unless it results in starvashun. Good Lord, deliver us from the falt-finder! if yu undertake tew argy with them yu onla flatter them, and if yu jine in with them yu onla maik them mad with them selfs.

I had rather be a target for awl the bad luk in this wurld than tew go thru life shuteing a pizen arrow at awl the good luk. The more i think ov it, the more i keep thinking that falt-finding iz verry much like bobing for eels with a raw potater; a fust rate wa tew git out ov consait ov awl kinds ov fishing, and a fust rate wa not tew ketch enny eels.

Thare are many singular beins in this world, but i fancy the singularest are the

JOSH AND THE BORDER INJUN

Yu inform me, mi dear sir, that yu are a member ov the sosiety “for the prevenshun ov kruelty tew animiles.”

Allow me tew simpathize with yu, bi saying, that i am glad ov it.

It iz a nobel institushun, and stands ahed ov the prevenshun ov kruelty tew humans.

It iz a fakt, that thoze who are kind tew animiles, are kind tew humans.

I am not acquainted with Mr. Bergh, the president ov yure assosiashun, whom yu speak ov so kindly, i dont kno him personally, but i kno him at a distance, he is very tall.

In yure letter tew me, yu speak very tenderly about the Injuns, and ask me, “if thare aint sum way, tew alleviate the condishun ov the nobel red man on our frontier.”

Yu say yu are willing tew bekum a missionary, and go amung them, and labur for their good.

The injun, mi dear sir, iz a pekuliar kuss.

He haz the most ardent simpathizers amung thoze who dont kno him the muchest.

In the komposishun ov the skool girl, the injun maiden bekums a brik, and when the boys speak about him, they speak ov his bo and arrows, and hiz nobel natur.

Most people kno the injun from the Hiawatha stand point, but i git mi informashun from the kritter himself.

I dont liv amungst him now, but in the early years ov mi misfortunes, in this latitude, i bekum striktly acquainted with the nobel injun az he iz, not so mutch az he ought tew be, nor az poets hav tost him up.

I hav saw him in hiz natiff buty at home, and hav mi opinyun ov him, which i am willing tew impart tew yu, at fust cost.

Mi advice tew yu, iz tew stay with Mr. Bergh, and stick tew the stage hoss, and make him az comfortable az yu kan, and not waste enny philanthropy, nor hallelujah, on the border injun.

Thare ain’t a more villainous individual, now loafing around loose, on the footstool, than Mr. Lo, the injun.

The minnit an injun bekums what yu kall civilized, that minnit he iz spilte.

A civilized injun aint ov enny more use tew himself, az a means ov grace, nor ennyboddy else, than a tame deer.

If thare could be found an iland, in the depths of the sea, whare it waz sure, no white man, nor blak man, nor blue man, would ever go, it mite do tew stock it, with the injuns now residing on our border, and let them civilize each other.

I am willing tew admit, thare iz a difference in the various tribes ov injuns.

Sum are wuss than others, but civilizashun haz never been ov enny uze tew an injun.

If yu ask enny border man, one who knos the kritters, he will tell yu the same story.

Sunday skools are a good place tew learn the katekism, and git the hang ov the 10 commandments, but tew kno the injun, mi dear sir, yu must go amungst him.

Yu kant studdy injun, and lay around a meeting house all the time, i am sorry for this, but i dont konsider that i am tew blame for it.

As i sed above, stick tew the omnibust hoss, he iz, in mi opinyun, a more fit, and better paying investment, for yure kindness, than the best Blackfeet injun thare iz now in the rocky mountains.

If yu should go amungst this tribe, az a fust class missionary, yu mite eskape with yure life, and possibly with yure skalp, if yu did, you would have sumthing tew brag ov, the rest ov yure life.

The grate trubble iz, the injun wont larn the virtews ov civilizashun, he iz satisfied with larning the vices, and only studdiz how tew improve on them.

Kruelty, and deceit, are the leading artikles in an injuns natur, and yu mite az well undertaik tew break the wiggle out ov a snaix, or the sting out ov a hornet, az tew git theze two vices out ov enny specimen ov human natur, when they form the basis ov karakter.

Kindness towards an injun, is no gurantee ov safety.

When yu are amungst injuns, keep yure hand on yure revolver, and yure eye over yure shoulder.

When i waz a very pretty boy, and fust began tew dwell amung romances, i red menny ov the tales, told so well, about the injun, and thought, how i would like tew be an nobel injun, and hav a wigwam, and foller the bounding deer, and lay mi venson at the feet ov a dark komplekted buty, and several more things, ov this prerswashun, but sum years after, i found miself on the trail, and had all the injun poetry taken out ov me, never more tew cum back.

I dont wish tew hurt ennyboddys aktual pheelings, who have made up their minds, that the injun iz a nobel kritter, but i will say tew them, stay at home, and enjoy yure sentiments.

Dont go amung the nobel red man, now on our frontier, but stay at home, and write sum stanzas about him, and civilize him at a distance.

I hav never had but one plan tew civilize the injun, since i hav got old enuff tew do him enny good, and this plan iz more unique, than elegant.

Mi plan iz simpli thus, – let the government offer 10 dollars for every injun civilized, and let the proof ov civilizashun be the hair ov the injuns head, with the skin attached tew it.

Now menny folks will hold up their hands, in number one horror, at this plan, but i will bet on the plan.

This iz the only way tew civilize the kind ov injun that i am a talking ov, and not hav tew do the work over agin.

I dont klaim tew be the original pattentee ov this plan ov civilizashun, sumthing like it occurred in the palmy daze ov Noah, when the best plan for civilizashun, that could be thought ov, waz tew wipe out the whole race ov human beings and make sum more.

This iz mi plan, for noble red men, on the frontier, wipe them out, but here i pauze, i say, dont make enny more.

Try sum other breed ov human kritter.

Mi opinyun, mi dear sir, about the missionary bizzness, haz alwus bin, that it iz a profitable bizzness, well followed, but thare iz several good ways tew do it, and several good men tew invest in the undertaking.

Sum are kalkulated tew make the good better, sum are kalkulated tew make the better almost perfekt, but thare aint but phew, ov the right bore, kalkulated tew work in the vineyard ov the wild border savage, and thoze, are theze, whoze piety konsists, in shooting at a mark, and hitting the bull’s eye every time.

I say once more, mi friend, stick to the omnibust hoss, and let thoze missionarys, on the borders, the skalps ov whoze wifes, and children, are now hung up az trophys in the wigwams ov the nobel red man, let them civilize the injuns.

They will do it so that it will stay did.

I am the last man tew throw enny thing in the way ov yure gitting a good job, espeshily in the missionary bizzness, but i kant reckomend enny man, tew this partikular situashun, unless i kno he understands the use ov a gain twist rifle, and kan civilize a Pawnee, every time, 440 yards, with a cross wind.

THE CUNNING MAN

Cunning iz often took for wisdum, but it iz the mere skum that rizes when wisdum biles her pot, it hath not the stride ov wisdum, neither haz it the honesty ov wisdum, it iz more like instinkt, than it iz like reazon.

Cunning ain’t good at begetting, it iz better at executing, it iz like the wisdum ov a kat, fust rate tew watch a rat hole.

The cunning man haz two virtues alwus prominent, patience, and energy, without these he would fall below the kat, and fail tew git hiz mouse.

Thare iz lots ov cunning men who are like an unskillful trapper, who knows how tew set a trap, but hain’t got the wisdum tew bait it.

Cunning men alwus hav a speciality, such az it iz, i hav seen them who could ride a mule tew a spot, but who set a hoss awkwardly.

Thare iz this average between a cunning man and a wise man, the cunning man’s wisdum iz alwus on the outside ov hiz face, he kant hide it, it iz alwus squirting out ov the corner ov his eyes, while the wize man carrys hiz grist deep, stowed away in hiz heart, and don’t use hiz wisdum tew find ockasions, but tew master them, when they pop up.

Cunning men have grate caution, bekauze they serpoze themselfs watched, inasmutch az they are alwus watching others.

They hav but few brains, but what they hav, are petroleum, and their brains being few, and greasy, enables them tew fetch them tew a focus sudden.

It iz hard work to be very cunning and very honest, at the same time, i reckon this, bekauze i dont see the two hugging and kissing each other very much.

Cunning haz a skandalous pedigree, he iz the babe ov wisdum, and Fraud, and iz the only child they ever had, but looks and ackts just like his ma.

It would take a big book tew make an almanack ov a cunning man, and the changes in him, fits, starts, and doubles, and hiz windings, hiz in’s and hiz outs, the parables in which he talks, and the double entenders ov hiz face, awl that he duz, and awl that he thinks, are for effekt.

Cunning men’s advice iz hard tew follow, bekause their wisdum iz made like a bed quilt, out ov patches, and iz also composed ov shifts, for the emergincy ov an ockasion, tew mutch for a stiddy diet.

If you don’t understand wiggling yourself, or the rudiments ov it, yu must not git yure advice from the cunning man.

Cunning haz alwus passed for wisdum, and will continue on to do so, az long az phools last, and phools will last az long az enny boddy else duz, and sustane their reputashun.

Cunning iz alwus selfish, bekauze it iz not ov mutch breadth, while wisdum can afford tew be magnanimous, and hav sumthing left over.

But the ways and dodges ov cunning are past finding out, yu might az well undertake tew track a snake in the grass, when the dew iz off, or a fox, in a straight line tew hiz hole.

Cunning men are not very dangerous, they hav so mutch vanity, and their vanity satisfied their ambition iz, and when vanity takes the place ov ambishun, we are more amuzed than alarmed.

Cunning men, in the hands ov wize men, are useful, more useful, quite often, than honesty, bekauze they are more sudden, and less sempelous.

It is safer tew entrust a sekret tew a cunning man, than a clever man, the clever man is sure tew spill it, the cunning one may use it aginst yu, but he iz eazier tew watch, and control, than the good natured fellow, who, like a young pup, lays down, rools over, and wags himself in front ov evry man he meets.

Cunning men hav manny associates, but few intimates, they sumtimes hunt in couples, but are apt tew fight, when they cum to divide the plunder.

The Deceitful Cuss.– An open enemy, a hearty hater, a bold dead-beater, an imperious friend, a phoolish chum, a reckless companyun, anything in shape ov human, or ov brute, and even aul things devlish, are mince pies with raizins in them, compared tew a slipping, sneaking Deceit, who, under the guize and garments ov being in love with you, chaws tobbaker out ov yure box, and lies tew yu evry time he tells yu the truth.

Theze human polecats are thick in this world, their eyes are like the kats, made tew see in the dark, they hav the face ov a sheep, and the heart ov a snaik, they kan kry at an impromptu christening, they are az full ov cunning az a she opposum, and would rather fail in an enterprise than to do it honestly.

These critters, az awkward as it may seem, are full ov vanity and ambishun, and their vanity and ambishun iz tew play lion under a sheep’s skin.

It iz a strange ambishun that a man will cultivate wisdum only for the sake ov being cunning, that he will perfect himself in the art and imagery of love and friendship for the sake ov counterfitting them, that he will studdy pitty for gain, that he will work hard for the devil at 2 shillings a day, and finally, that he will practiss the rudiments ov awl the virtews ov soshul life, simply for the sake ov doing with a good grace what iz shameful and wicked to do at all.

I hav known men ov this brand, who where not wholly malishus, who would aktually dew yu a good turn to-morrow if they could cheat yu to-day, who deceive not entirely for gain, but tew keep their tools whet, who hav sum excellent traits, which sumtimes drop out seemingly by mistake.

But a natral crook toward deception iz like the bight ov a mad dogg, it may sleep for a long time in the veins ov its viktim, very well behaved pizen, watching for a good time, but sooner or later, when least expekted, the virus begins tew play dorg by asserting its dredful prerogative.

It don’t cure theze vermin tew ketch them, if they waz rats, which we could drown in the trap, it would be bully, but letting them go only makes them the more cunning.