Cæsar's Wife: A Comedy in Three Acts

Violet

I don't quite know why you should have been so excited.

Anne

It will be very nice for me to have Ronny so near. You see, now I've given up my flat I shan't come to Egypt very often and I should never have seen Ronny. I can run over to Paris constantly. Besides, it's a step, isn't it? And I want to see him an Ambassador before I die.

Violet

I don't see what good it will do him in Paris to speak Arabic like a native.

Arthur

Oh, well, that is the F.O. all over. The best Persian scholar in the Service has spent the last six years in Washington.

Ronny

It's been a great surprise for me. I expected to remain in Egypt indefinitely.

Violet

[Recovering herself.] I expect you'll have a very good time in Paris. When do you go?

Ronny

There's a boat the day after to-morrow. Sir Arthur thought I'd better take that.

Violet

[Scarcely mistress of herself.] As soon as that! [Recovering, gaily.] We shall miss you dreadfully. I can't imagine what I shall do without you. [To Anne.] You can't think how useful he's been to me since I came here.

Ronny

It's very kind of you to say so.

Violet

He's invaluable at functions and things like that. You see, he knows where everyone should sit at dinner. And at first he used to coach me with details about various people so that I shouldn't say the wrong thing.

Arthur

If you had you'd have said it so charmingly that no one would have resented it.

Violet

I'm so afraid that the man who takes Ronny's place will refuse to write my invitations for me.

Arthur

It's not exactly the duty of my secretaries.

Violet

No, but I do hate doing it myself. And Ronny was able to imitate my handwriting.

Arthur

I'm sure he could never write as badly as you.

Violet

Oh, yes, he could. Couldn't you?

Ronny

I managed to write quite enough like you for people not to notice the difference.

Violet

You know, there are thirty-two invitations to do now.

Anne

Why don't you send cards?

Violet

Oh, I think a letter is so much more polite. Somehow I don't feel old enough to ask people to dine with me in the third person.

Ronny

I'll come and do them the moment Sir Arthur can let me go.

Arthur

You'd better do them before Violet goes out.

Violet

That'll be very soon. The Khedive's mother has asked me to go and see her at half-past three. I'll get the list now, shall I? I don't think I'll wait for Christina. If she wants to see you on business I dare say she'd rather I wasn't there.

Arthur

Very well.

Violet

[To Ronny.] Will you come here when you're ready?

Ronny

Certainly.

[She goes out.]

Arthur

Have you finished that report yet?

Ronny

Not quite, sir. It will be ready in ten minutes.

Arthur

Put it on my desk.

Ronny

All right, sir.

[Exit. Arthur and Anne are left alone. He looks at her reflectively.]

Arthur

Violet is very sensitive to anything that might be considered a slight.

Anne

It's very natural, isn't it? A high-spirited girl.

Arthur

She likes me to tell her my arrangements. It gives her a little feeling of importance to know things before other people.

Anne

Oh, of course. I quite understand. I should do the same in her place.

Arthur

I ought to have remembered and told her that Ronny was going. She was just a little vexed because she thought I'd been fixing things up behind her back.

Anne

Yes, I know. It would naturally put her out for a moment to learn on a sudden that one of the persons she'd been thrown in contact with was going away.

Arthur

[With a twinkle in his eye.] I'm wondering if I must blame you for the loss of an excellent secretary.

Anne

Me?

Arthur

I don't know why the F.O. should suddenly have made up their minds that your brother was wanted in Paris. Have you been pulling strings?

Anne

[Smiling.] What a suspicious nature you have!

Arthur

Anne, own up.

Anne

I thought Ronny was getting into a groove here. There didn't seem to be much more for him to do than he has been doing for some time. If you will have the truth, I've been moving heaven and earth to get him moved.

Arthur

How deceitful of you not to have said a word about it!

Anne

I didn't want to make him restless. I knew he'd be mad to go to Paris. I thought it much better not to say anything till it was settled.

Arthur

D'you think he's mad to go to Paris?

Anne

[Fencing with him.] Any young man would be.

Arthur

I wonder if he'd be very much disappointed if I made other arrangements.

Anne

What do you mean, Arthur? You wouldn't prevent him from going when I've done everything in the world to get him away.

Arthur

[Abruptly.] Why should you be so anxious for him to go?

[She looks at him for an instant in dismay.]

Anne

Good heavens, don't speak so sharply to me. I told Violet just now. I wanted him to be more get-at-able. I think he stands a much better chance of being noticed if he's in a place like Paris.

Arthur

[With a smile.] Ah, yes, you said you were coming less frequently to Egypt than in the past. It might be worth while to keep Ronny here in order to tempt you back.

Anne

Egypt isn't the same to me that it was.

Arthur

I hope my marriage has made no difference to our friendship, Anne. You know how deeply I value it.

Anne

You used to come and see me very often. You knew I was discreet and you used to talk over with me all sorts of matters which occupied you. I was pleased and flattered. Of course I realised that those pleasant conversations of ours must stop when you married. I only came here this winter to collect my goods and chattels.

Arthur

You make me feel vaguely guilty towards you.

Anne

Of course you're nothing of the sort. But I don't want Violet to feel that I am making any attempt to – to monopolise you. She's been charming to me. The more I know her the more delightful I find her.

Arthur

It's very nice of you to say so.

Anne

You know I've always had a great admiration for you. I'm so glad to see you married to a girl who's not unworthy of you.

Arthur

I suppose it was a dangerous experiment for a man of my age to marry a girl of nineteen.

Anne

I think one can admit that. But you've always been one of the favourites of the gods. You've made a wonderful success of it.

Arthur

It needs on a husband's part infinite tact, patience, and tolerance.

Anne

You have the great advantage that Violet is genuinely in love with you.

Arthur

I suppose only a fatuous ass would confess that a beautiful girl was in love with him.

Anne

You make her very happy.

Arthur

There's nothing I wouldn't do to achieve that. I'm more desperately in love with Violet even than when I first married her.

Anne

I'm so glad. I want nothing but your happiness.

Arthur

Here is Christina.

[The door opens as he says these words and an English Butler ushers in Mrs. Pritchard. She is a tall, spare woman, with hair turning grey, comely, upright in her carriage, with decision of character indicated by every gesture; but though masterful and firm to attain her ends, she is an honest woman, direct, truthful and not without humour. She is admirably gowned in a manner befitting her station and importance.]

Butler

Mrs. Pritchard.

[Exit.]

Arthur

I knew it was you, Christina. I felt a sense of responsibility descend upon the house.

Christina

[Kissing him.] How is Violet?

Arthur

Lovely.

Christina

I was inquiring about her health.

Arthur

Her health is perfect.

Christina

At her age one's always well, I suppose. [Kissing Anne.] How d'you do? And how are you, my poor Arthur?

Arthur

You ask me as though I was a doddering old gentleman, crippled with rheumatism. I'm in the best of health, thank you very much, and very active for my years. [Christina has seen a flower on the table that has fallen from a bowl, and picks it up and puts it back in its place.] Why do you do that?

Christina

I don't like untidiness.

Arthur

I do.

[He takes the flower out again and places it on the table.]

Christina

I was expecting to find you in your office.

Arthur

Do you think I'm neglecting my work? I thought it more becoming to wait for you here.

Christina

I wanted to see you on a matter of business.

Arthur

So I understood from your message. I feel convinced you're going to put me in the way of making my fortune.

Anne

I'll leave you, shall I?

Christina

Oh, no, pray don't. There's not the least reason why you shouldn't hear what it's all about.

Arthur

You're not going to make my fortune after all. You're going to ask me to do something.

Christina

What makes you think that?

Arthur

You want a third person present to be witness to my brutal selfishness when I refuse. I know you, Christina.

Christina

[Smiling.] You're much too sensible to refuse a perfectly reasonable request.

Arthur

Let us hear it. [She sits down on the sofa. The cushions have been disordered by people sitting on them and she shakes them out, and pats them and arranges them in their place.] I wish you'd leave the furniture alone, Christina.

Christina

I cannot make out what pleasure people take in seeing things out of their proper place.

Arthur

You're very long in coming to the point.

Christina

I hear that the Khedive has quarrelled with his secretary.

Arthur

You're a marvellous woman, Christina. You get hold of all the harem gossip.

Christina

It's true, isn't it?

Arthur

Yes. But I only heard of it myself just before luncheon. How did it come to your ears?

Christina

That doesn't matter, does it? I have a way of hearing things that may be of interest to me.

Arthur

I'm afraid I'm very dense, but I don't see how it can be of any particular interest to you.

Christina

[Smiling.] Dear Arthur. The Khedive has asked you to recommend him an English secretary.

Anne

Has he really? That's a change. He's never had an English secretary before.

Arthur

Never.

Anne

It's a wonderful opportunity.

Arthur

If we get the right man he can be of the greatest possible help. If he's tactful, wise, and courteous, there's no reason why in time he shouldn't attain very considerable influence over the Khedive. If we can really get the Khedive to work honestly and sincerely with us, instead of hampering us by all kinds of secret devices, we can do miracles in this country.

Anne

What a splendid chance for the man who gets the job!

Arthur

I suppose it is. If he has the right qualities he may achieve anything. And after all, it's a splendid chance to be able to render such great service to our own old country.

Christina

Has the Khedive given any particulars about the sort of man he wants?

Arthur

He naturally wants a young man and a good sportsman. It's important that he should be able to speak Arabic. But the qualifications which will satisfy the Khedive are nothing beside those which will satisfy me. The wrong man may cause irreparable damage to British interests.

Christina

Have you thought that Henry would be admirably suited?

Arthur

I can't say I have, Christina.

Christina

He's young and he's very good at games. He speaks Arabic.

Arthur

Quite well, I believe. I think he's very well suited to the post he has. It would be a pity to disturb him when he's just got at home with the work.

Christina

Arthur, you can't compare a very badly paid job in the Ministry of Education with a private secretaryship to the Khedive.

Arthur

The best job for a man is the one he's most fitted to do.

Christina

You've got no fault to find with Henry. He's a very good worker, he's honest, industrious, and painstaking.

Arthur

You don't praise a pair of boots because you can walk in them without discomfort; if you can't you chuck them away.

Christina

What d'you mean by that?

Arthur

The qualities you mention really don't deserve any particular reward. If Henry hadn't got them I'd fire him without a moment's hesitation.

Christina

I have no doubt you'd welcome the opportunity. It's the greatest misfortune of Henry's life that he happens to be your nephew.

Arthur

On the other hand, it's counterbalanced by his extraordinary good luck in being your son.

Christina

You've stood in his way on every possible occasion.

Arthur

[Good-humouredly.] You know that's not true, Christina. I've refused to perpetrate a number of abominable jobs that you've urged me to. He's had his chances as everyone else has. You're an admirable mother. If I'd listened to you he'd be Commander-in-Chief and Prime Minister by now.

Christina

I've never asked you to do anything for Henry that wasn't perfectly reasonable.

Arthur

It's evident then that we have different views upon what is reasonable.

Christina

I appeal to you, Anne: do you see any objection to suggesting Henry to the Khedive as a private secretary?

Arthur

I knew that's what she wanted you here for, Anne, to be a witness to my pig-headed obstinacy.

Christina

Don't be absurd, Arthur. I'm asking Anne for an unprejudiced opinion.

Arthur

Anne is unlikely to have an opinion of any value on a matter she knows nothing about.

Anne

[With a chuckle.] That is a very plain hint that I can't do better than hold my tongue. I'll take it, Christina.

Christina

It's so unreasonable of you, Arthur. You won't listen to any argument.

Arthur

The only one you've offered yet is: here's a good job going, Henry's your nephew, give it him. My dear, don't you see the Khedive would never accept such a near relation of mine?

Christina

I don't agree with you at all. The fact of his asking you to recommend an English secretary shows that he wants to draw the connection between you and himself closer. After all, you might give the boy a chance.

Arthur

This is not an occasion when one can afford to give a chance. It's hit or miss. If the man I choose is a failure the Khedive will never ask me to do such a thing for him again. I can't take any risks.

Christina

Will you tell me what qualifications Henry lacks to make him suitable for the post?

Arthur

Certainly. It's true he speaks Arabic, but he doesn't understand the native mind. Grammars can't teach you that, my dear, only sympathy. He has the mind of an official. I often think that you must have swallowed a ramrod in early life and poor Henry was born with a foot-rule in his inside.

Christina

I am not amused, Arthur.

Arthur

I have no doubt in course of time he'll become a very competent official, but he'll never be anything else. He lacks imagination, and that is just as necessary to a statesman as to a novelist. Finally he has no charm.

Christina

How can you judge? You're his uncle. You might just as well say I have no charm.

Arthur

You haven't. You're an admirable woman, with all the substantial virtues which make you an ornament to your sex, but you have no charm.

Christina

[With a grim smile.] I should be a fool if I expected you to pay me compliments, shouldn't I?

Arthur

You would at all events be a woman who is unable to learn by experience.

Christina

Besides, I don't agree with you. I think Henry has charm.

Arthur

Why do we all call him Henry? Why does Henry suit him so admirably? If he had charm we would naturally call him Harry.

Christina

Really, Arthur, it amazes me that a man in your position can be influenced by such absurd trifles. It's so unfair, when a boy has a dozen solid real virtues that you should refuse to recommend him for a job because he hasn't got in your opinion a frivolous, unsubstantial advantage like charm.

Arthur

Unsubstantial it may be, but frivolous it certainly isn't. Believe me, charm is the most valuable asset that any man can have. D'you think it sounds immoral to say it compensates for the lack of brains and virtue? Alas! it happens to be true. Brains may bring you to power, but charm enables you to keep it. Without charm you will never lead men.

Christina

And do you imagine you're likely to find a young Englishman who's a sportsman and an Arabic scholar, who has tact, imagination, sympathy, wisdom, courtesy and charm?

Anne

If you do, Arthur, I'm afraid he won't remain here very long, because I warn you, I shall insist on marrying him.

Arthur

It's not so formidable as it sounds. I'm going to suggest Ronny.

Christina

[Astounded.] Ronald Parry! That's the very last person I should have thought you'd be inclined to suggest.

Arthur

[Sharply.] Why?

Anne

[With dismay.] You don't really mean that, Arthur?

Arthur

Why not?

Christina

[To Anne.] Didn't you know?

Anne

It's the last thing that would ever have entered my head.

Christina

I thought you'd made all arrangements for sending him away.

Arthur

I made no arrangements at all. I received a telegram from the F.O. saying that he'd been appointed to Paris.

Anne

[After a very short pause.] Don't you think you'd better leave it at that?

Arthur

No, I don't. I'm going to wire to London explaining the circumstances and suggesting that I think him very suitable for the post that's just offered itself.

Anne

[Trying to take it lightly.] I feel rather aggrieved, after all the efforts I've made to get him appointed to Paris.

Christina

Oh, he owes that to you, does he? You thought it would be better for him to leave here?

Arthur

[Deliberately.] I don't quite understand what you're driving at, Christina.

Christina

[Taking him up defiantly.] I cannot imagine anyone more unsuitable than Ronald Parry.

Arthur

That is for me to judge, isn't it?

Anne

Perhaps the Foreign Office will say they see no reason to change their mind.

Arthur

I don't think so.

Anne

Have you told Ronny?

Arthur

No, I thought it unnecessary till I'd found out whether the Khedive would be willing to take him.

Christina

I'm amazed, Arthur. When Henry told me Ronald Parry was going I couldn't help thinking it was very desirable.

Arthur

Why?

[She looks at him, about to speak, then hesitates. She does not dare, and resolves to be silent. Anne comes to the rescue.]

Anne

Christina knows that I shall be very little in Egypt in future and how fond Ronny and I are of one another. We naturally want to be as near each other as we can.

Christina

[With a chuckle.] It really amuses me that you should refuse to give a good job to Henry because you've made up your mind to give it to Ronald Parry.

[Arthur walks up to her deliberately and faces her.]

Arthur

If you've got anything to say against him say it.

[They stare at one another for a moment in silence.]

Christina

If you have nothing against him there's no reason why I should.

Arthur

I see. I have a good deal to do this afternoon. If you have nothing more to say to me I'd like to get back to my work.

Christina

Very well, I'll go.

Arthur

You won't stop and see Violet?

Christina

I don't think so, thank you.

[She goes out. He opens the door for her.]

Anne

Why didn't you tell me just now that you'd decided to keep Ronny in Cairo?

Arthur

I thought it was unnecessary till everything was settled. I daresay you'll be good enough to hold your tongue about it.

Anne

Have you definitely made up your mind?

Arthur

Definitely.

[They look at one another steadily.]

Anne

I think I'll go up to my room. I keep to my old habit of a siesta after luncheon.

Arthur

I wish I could get Violet to take it.

Anne

She's so young, she doesn't feel the need of it yet.

Arthur

Yes, she's so young.

[Anne goes out. For a moment Arthur gives way to discouragement. He feels old and tired. But he hears a footstep and pulls himself together. He is his usual self, gay, gallant and humorous, when Violet enters the room.]

Violet

I saw Christina drive away. What did she want?

Arthur

The earth.

Violet

I hope you gave it her.

Arthur

No, I'm trying to get the moon for you just now, darling, and I thought if I gave her the earth it really would upset the universe a little too much.

Violet

I thought I'd better do these invitations before I dressed.

Arthur

You're not going to put on a different frock to go and have tea with the Khedive's mother? You look charming in that.

Violet

I think it's a little too young. It was all right for the morning.

Arthur

Of course you are older this afternoon, that's quite true.

Violet

Can you spare Ronny just now?

Arthur

[After an instant's pause.] Yes, I'll send him to you at once.

Violet

[As he is going.] I shall be back in time to give you your tea.

Arthur

That will be very nice. Good-bye till then.

[He goes out. She is meditative. She gives a slight start as Ronny comes in.]

Violet

I hope I haven't torn you away from anything very important.

Ronny

I was only typing a very dull report. I'd just finished it.

Violet

You mustn't ever bother about me if it's not convenient, you know.

Ronny

I shan't have much chance, shall I?

Violet

No… Look, here's the list.

[She hands him a sheet of paper on which names are scribbled, and he reads it.]

Ronny

It looks rather a stodgy party, doesn't it? I see you've crossed my name out.

Violet

It's not much good asking you when you won't be here. Whom d'you advise me to ask in your place?

Ronny

I don't know. I hate the idea of anyone being asked in my place. Shall I start on them at once?

Violet

If you don't mind. I have to go out, you know.

[He sits down at a writing table.]

Ronny

I'll start on those I dislike least.

Violet

[With a chuckle.] Don't you remember when Arthur said I must ask the Von Scheidleins how we hated to write them a civil letter?

Ronny

[Writing.] Dear Lady Sinclair.

Violet

Oh, she asked me to call her Evelyn.

Ronny

Hang! I'll have to start again.

Violet

It always make me so uncomfortable to address fat old ladies by their Christian names.

Ronny

I'll end up "yours affectionately," shall I?

Violet

I suppose you're awfully excited at the thought of going?

Ronny

No.

Violet

It's a step for you, isn't it? I… I ought to congratulate you.

Ronny

You don't think I want to go, do you? I hate it.

Violet

Why?

Ronny

I've been very happy here.

Violet

You knew you couldn't stay here for the rest of your life.

Ronny

Why not?

Violet

[With an effort at self-control.] Who is the next person on the list?

Ronny

[Looking at it.] Will you miss me at all?

Violet

I suppose I shall at first.

Ronny

That's not a very kind thing to say.

Violet

Isn't it? I don't mean to be unkind, Ronny.

Ronny

Oh, I'm so miserable!

[She gives a little cry and looks at him. She presses her hands to her heart.]

Violet

Let us go on with the letters.

[Silently he writes. She does not watch him, but looks hopelessly into space. She is unable to restrain a sob.]

Ronny

You're crying.

Violet

No, I'm not. I'm not. I swear I'm not. [He gets up and goes over to her. He looks into her eyes.] It came so suddenly. I never dreamt you'd be going away.

Ronny

Oh, Violet!

Violet

Don't call me that. Please don't.

Ronny

Did you know that I loved you?

Violet

How should I know? Oh, I'm so unhappy. What have I done to deserve it?

Ronny

I couldn't help loving you. It can't matter if I tell you now. It's the end of everything. I don't want to go without your knowing. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Violet

Oh, Ronny!

Ronny

It's been so wonderful, all these months. I've never known anyone to come up to you. Everything you said pleased me. I loved the way you walk, and your laugh, and the sound of your voice.

Violet

Oh, don't!

Ronny

I was content just to see you and to talk with you and to know you were here, near me. You've made me extraordinarily happy.

Violet

Have I? Oh, I'm so glad.

Ronny

I couldn't help myself. I tried not to think of you. You're not angry with me?

Violet

I can't be. Oh, Ronny, I've had such a rotten time. It came upon me unawares, I didn't know what was happening. I thought I only liked you.

Ronny

Oh, my dearest! Is it possible…?

Violet

And when it struck me – oh, I was so frightened. I thought it must be written on my face and everyone must see. I knew it was wrong. I knew I mustn't. I couldn't help myself.