Our Fragile Hearts

“Are you kidding me?” She yawned. “You know I don’t get up before noon unless I have to. Is everything okay?”

“Yes, guess I just forgot. Hard to believe that was me a few months ago.”

Claire laughed. “Next thing you know you’ll be driving a minivan.”

I’m not sure what came over me but I burst into tears. I sobbed so hard that I could barely see out my front window. Between the rain, which had just started, and my tears, the world was one big blur.

“Rachel, I’m sorry,” Claire shouted. “I didn’t mean it. Honest.”

I sniffed. “It’s okay. You’re right. I’m like a fifty-year-old stuck in a twenty-two-year-old body.”

“Oh, come on. It’s not that bad,” Claire said. “I tell you what. You get a date and I’ll watch Piper. I’ll even come to your apartment so I can put her to bed and you can come home whenever.”

“First, I have to get a date. And the chances of that are slim considering my life revolves around Piper. There’s no time for anything else. I can’t even go for a run anymore.”

“Why?” Claire said. “Have Piper ride her bike alongside you.”

I sighed. “She doesn’t have a bike.”

“What? No bike? What kid doesn’t have a bike?”

“This kid. Look, I’m okay. Sorry for the meltdown. I’m just feeling sorry for myself. I’ll get over it. I have to go. I’m cleaning Howard’s house today.”

“The hoarder?”

“Yes. It seems every week the junk in his house multiplies like my credit card debt. I convince him to trash a pile of newspapers he’s had for a decade and another pile appears. I’ll never understand how someone can live like that.”

We hung up and when I walked into Howard’s house I found him at the kitchen table reading the newspaper. The tiny patch of white hair on top of his head stood straight up. The white hair growing out of his ears resembled wiry rabbit whiskers. He looked out over his thick black reading glasses perched on the tip of his broad nose. “Good morning,” he muttered.

I threw my purse on the kitchen counter, taking up the last piece of vacant real estate. “Hi, Howard. You look well today.”

He muttered something that sounded like a cross between a thank you and a “I know you’re lying just to be nice” comment.

“Anything special you’d like me to tackle today?” I noticed a new stack of travel magazines had sprouted under the table, leaving Howard with a tiny square space for his feet.

He didn’t look up from the newspaper. “Nope. Same as usual.”

“You know, Howard, you should consider getting rid of some of your junk… er, stuff. It’d make it easier to clean.”

He didn’t answer.

“When I moved I donated a lot of things to the thrift store. They were happy to have them. You could do the same. Perhaps your daughter would help you.”

He sucked in a bucket of air and exhaled it slowly through his noticeably chapped lips. “Margaret? I haven’t seen Margaret in weeks.”

“Isn’t that odd? Don’t you usually see her every week?”

“Not since she’s taken up with that bozo. She brought him here a while back and he didn’t impress me none. Sells insurance or something. Wanted to sell me some. I told him I had enough.”

“Well, okay then. But I’d bet Margaret would help if you asked her.”

Howard turned the newspaper page. “She’d want something for her trouble. She always does.”

I wished I hadn’t brought up Margaret’s name. Howard was becoming more belligerent by the moment. “Well, I’d better get started.”

He muttered as I slid away, following the curved path flanked on either side by junk that reached the ceiling, toward the bathroom.

Chapter 2

Mary

I made a cup of Earl Grey and called a cleaning agency to see about getting some help. I’d finally broken down after all these years and decided it was time. It’s not that I couldn’t afford to hire help; it was a matter of pride, I suppose. I’d lived in this house for more than fifty years and had always been able to take care of it. Inside and out. But I couldn’t any longer. It’d been in James’s family for more than a century. I thought we’d have children and that we’d pass it on to them. But that was before I knew about James.

I remembered the first time I’d seen this house. It was the most beautiful house I’d ever been in. Grander than I’d even imagined it would be. Mahogany and marble. Rooms full of antiques. Rich tapestries and the finest accessories. It seemed such a shame that a successful man like James lived alone in this big old house. His parents, whom he had lived with, had died in a tragic car accident the year before.

James and I had been dating a few months. He was my father’s business partner and to please my father and keep peace in the house, I agreed to date James. He was twenty-five years older than me and nice enough, but he wasn’t Teddy. I never felt any tingle when I was with James like I felt when I was with Teddy.

Anyway, James had taken me on a tour of the house. When we got to the master bedroom, I thought maybe he’d want to do more than kiss. That’s all we ever did and I was beginning to think he might want to do a little more. But he didn’t. He just continued to show me the house. I thought he was such a gentleman, not taking advantage of me when he clearly could have. And despite not loving him, my respect for him grew.

As James led me on a tour, I began to imagine living in the house. I thought about what colors I’d paint the walls and how I’d decorate the rooms. Which room would be the best one for the nursery. Surely the one closest to the master bedroom. By the time we’d finished the tour, I had completely renovated the house and the grounds in my mind.

I smiled at the distant memories, trying to remember details that had faded over time. After I finished talking to the manager at the cleaning agency, I picked up the morning paper and walked into the solarium. This had become my morning routine. I did some volunteering a few days a week and kept a couple days open for appointments. Today was an appointment day. I’d scheduled my annual check-up with my ob-gyn today. It was hard to believe at my age I still had to get regular check-ups.

I sat down on my easy chair facing the large window that looked out over the beautiful gardens, filled with all my favorite trees and shrubs and flowers. The day was bright and sunny and I noticed a few birds eating from the feeder I’d placed near the window. I opened the paper to the obituary page. It was always the first page I read, mostly because it seemed like more and more people I knew were ending up there.

I scanned the names on the page. When I saw June’s name, I gasped. June was my best friend growing up. We’d lost touch years ago when Mother and Father sent me away to a maternity house to live with other young girls who had “got themselves in trouble.” June was the one who’d introduced me to Teddy, the only man I’d ever loved.

I walked over to the antique cherry sideboard sitting in the corner and opened the door. I reached in and took out my old diary. I patted the red and gold faux leather journal. Every once in a while I’d pull it out and read the entries I’d made a lifetime ago. It made me sad to remember what could’ve been so I didn’t do it often, but seeing June’s obituary stirred a need to remember that sliver of my past.

I’d never been happier than when I was with Teddy. He was the only man I ever loved and the only man I’d ever been with. Even after James died twenty years ago, I couldn’t bring myself to date. Oh, there were plenty of invites, but I felt it was too late for love. It was too late for a lot of things now. Like motherhood.

I opened my diary and began to read:

July 13, 1956

Dear Diary,

I saw you while Mother and I were shopping in the department store and begged her to buy you for me. My best friend, June, has a diary and I wanted one, too. It seems like every girl should have a diary, a place to share our secrets. I’ll have to keep you locked and hidden because Mother is nosey and sometimes goes through my things. I wish I had a brother or sister, someone else to share the burden of having a mother such as mine. She never lets me do anything. I’m the only girl I know who can’t date until she’s eighteen. But I have a plan. I’m going to sneak out of the house and meet June and Henry, who will park down the street and around the corner. Henry is June’s boyfriend. He’s a senior in prep school. Henry’s bringing a friend. My first date! I’ll let you know how it goes. I wonder if he’ll kiss me. I’ve never been kissed.

Love, Mary Katherine

I closed my tired eyes. I’d never forgotten the first time I saw Teddy. He wore a leather jacket, white T-shirt and jeans. And he was smoking. Chesterfields, I think. My heart fluttered just remembering the blind date. We went to the drive-in to see The King and I. Teddy and I sat in the back seat and he put his arm around me. He whispered in my ear and told me to relax. When I saw June put her head on Henry’s shoulder, I put mine on Teddy’s. It felt nice.

When Henry dropped June and I off, Teddy got out of the car. I remember standing on my tiptoes and stretching up and him leaning down. And then we kissed. I will never forget my first kiss and the way it made me feel like I was being tickled from the inside.

I flipped through the entries, reading no one in particular.

July 24, 1956

Dear Diary,

Mother and Father went to see Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis at the Copacabana Club so Teddy came to the house and picked me up in his T-bird. We went to the malt shop and Teddy bought me a vanilla shake. Then we drove around and Teddy took me to Lovers’ Point. We kissed. A lot. I like kissing Teddy, but I think he wants to do more. He started to unbutton my blouse but I stopped him. I’ll have to ask June what to do.

Love, Mary Katherine

August 4, 1956

Dear Diary,

I love Elvis’s new song, “Hound Dog.” Mother and Father don’t like his music. They prefer listening to Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald or Doris Day. Mother won’t stop singing “Que Sera, Sera.”

I didn’t get to see Teddy for a couple of days because he went with his parents to visit relatives in Maine. But he’s coming back tomorrow and I can’t wait. I might let him take my blouse off if he still wants to.

Love, Mary Katherine

August 22, 1956

Dear Diary,

Father and Mother are celebrating President Eisenhower and Vice President Nixon’s nomination for a second term in office. It’s all so boring if you ask me. Who cares about the Republican National Convention anyway? I’d much rather think about Teddy.

Love, Mary Katherine

September 9, 1956

Dear Diary,

June and I watched Elvis on “The Ed Sullivan Show.” When he sang “Love Me Tender” I thought I was going faint.

Mother walked in while he was performing “Ready Teddy” and yelled for Father. They were outraged by the way Elvis shook his hips, but June and I liked it.

I can’t wait until tomorrow. Teddy and I are going to our special place. It’s so special that I can’t even tell you. It’s tippy top secret. I talked to June and I think I’m ready to go the whole way with Teddy. I know he wants to even though he said he’ll wait. But he’s headed back to school and I don’t want to wait any longer. I just hope it doesn’t hurt like June said.

Love, Mary Katherine

I closed my diary and leaned back on the easy chair. I closed my eyes and pictured my and Teddy’s special place. It was in an abandoned cabin in the woods. Teddy was so gentle and made me feel so special. And even though it hurt, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I had imagined it would be. I lay in his arms a long time afterward and we talked about our dreams.

“So what do you want to be when you grow up?” I had asked.

He kissed the top of my head. “Your husband.”

I sat up and leaned down until I was staring him in the face. “Do you mean that?”

He lifted his head and kissed me. “Of course I mean it. You know I’ve never met anyone like you before. I’m crazy about you.”

I smiled and we kissed some more.

I lay back down. “So, besides my husband, what do you want to be?”

“Maybe a lawyer.”

“I hate lawyers,” I spit out.

“That’s only because your father is a lawyer and you hate him.”

“True. But I could never hate you.”

“So, what do you want to be, Mary?”

“A mother. I’ve always wanted to have lots of children. Five or six.”

“Five or six? That’s a lot of children. How about three? Maybe I’ll let you talk me into four.”

Teddy and I had agreed on four children that night and he never learned, as far as I knew, that I had one of them.

Chapter 3

Rachel

After I left Howard’s house, I stopped by the cleaning agency to ask for more work. I figured I could fit in another job and sort of hoped that maybe I could find someone to replace Howard. Cleaning his bathroom made me want to vomit. He’d left a pile of yellowed toenail clippings by the toilet, which looked like it hadn’t been flushed in days.

“One just came in,” Annie said. “An older woman. She sounded really nice. Said cleaning her house is just getting to be too much for her.”

Annie wrote down the information and handed the slip of paper to me. I looked at the name and address she’d written. “Mary McAlaster. Three forty-five Berkshire Drive.” I looked at Annie. “Isn’t this that ritzy area on top of the hill across from the college?”

Annie smiled. “Yes. Those homes are big so probably count on a full day.”

I left the agency and stopped at Jack’s Bar. I’d promised Claire I’d drop off the dress she’d let me borrow back when I actually had a life and went on dates. The Before Piper era. I figured I’d see Nick. He usually stopped in for Wednesday’s wing special before heading to his second-shift job at the Harley plant. He built motorcycles and loved riding them. He promised to take me for a ride, but that was before Piper came into my life and turned it upside down. I didn’t blame her, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have moments of resentment.

The bar, located in the neighborhood where I used to live, had its regulars. Nick, a few years older than me, was one of them. I missed bartending at Jack’s. The bar, with its exposed brick walls and creaky wooden floor, wasn’t much to look at but it had a charm all its own. Despite feeling like I was working in a cave, with its lack of natural light, I’d spent more time at Jack’s than I had anywhere else, except college, in the past two years. I was grateful that when I needed a job, Jack had given me one. And he always worked around my class schedule.

As soon as I walked in the door, I saw Nick in his usual seat chewing on wings. He nodded. I waved to Claire, who was slicing limes behind the bar, and slid into the stool next to Nick. “I thought maybe I’d find you here.”

Nick smiled. “Guess I’m a creature of habit.”

Secretly, I liked Nick. His appearance was always a bit messy, but it worked for him. I liked his tousled brown hair, five o-clock shadow, tight gray T-shirt and jeans. And his eyes. His chocolate-colored eyes were like exclamation points at the end of a really great sentence. Come with me! Don’t go! I love you!

Claire walked over, wiping her hands on a white rag. I handed her the bag containing her dress. “Thanks for letting me borrow it.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to hold on to it?”

I laughed. “Like I’m going to need a dress like that anytime soon. My dating days are over.”

“Yeah, right,” Claire said. “I’m ninety-nine point six percent certain you’ll date again.”

I laughed. Claire always had to look at things in terms of percentages. It was annoying yet somewhat charming. I’m sixty-six percent sure your bread is moldy or I’m eighty-nine percent certain you already bought that shade of nail polish, she’d say. She was the only person I knew who had this peculiar habit. And if I were a betting girl, I’d have listened to her. She was right ninety-nine point nine percent of the time!

Nick picked up a paper towel and wiped off his messy hands. Whenever he ate wings, we knew to pile a half-dozen paper towels on the bar beside him. He hated using napkins. Said they were too thin and always ripped. He took a sip of his beer. “It would be a damn shame if you never dated again, Rachel.”

I have to admit my heart fluttered. I caught Claire’s glance out of the corner of my eye. She knew I thought Nick was sexy. “Why would it be a shame?” I asked.

He shrugged. “You just seem like the type of girl who should have someone special. Settle down. Have kids.”

I held up my hand. “Stop! No kids. I have a kid now and I never want another one.”

“Piper is your sister,” Nick said. “That’s not exactly the same thing.”

I could feel my anger begin to boil. “The hell it isn’t. Who’s raising her? Me. Who gets up in the middle of the night to calm her after a bad dream? Me. Who buys her clothes and food and pretty barrettes? Me. Who takes care of her when she’s sick?”

“Okay. Okay.” Nick held up both hands. “I take it back. I guess you’re a special case.”

“I’m a special case, all right.” I rolled my eyes.

“Look,” Claire said. “I know it’s hard raising Piper and I know it’s not what you planned. But you are doing an amazing job. You know what foster care was like for us. Besides Miss Evelyn, you and I ended up in some pretty crappy places.”

Claire was right. We’d both loved living with Miss Evelyn, but the other homes we’d been placed in weren’t much better than the ones we’d come from, especially the Jordans. They had an older boy and he always wanted to see my private parts. He paid me a nickel to show him and I did it. He never touched me, he just looked. I saved the nickels and, when I had enough, bought a candy bar. Then, one night, Jordan came into my room and he wanted to do more than look. I couldn’t wait to get out of there.

“You’re giving her a much better home than she would’ve had otherwise,” Claire said.

“I know, I know. It’s just that it’s so hard. I miss my old life.”

“So get some of it back,” Claire said. “Just because you’re Piper’s guardian doesn’t mean you have to give up everything. If you want to go out on a date, get a babysitter.”

I shook my head. “Not now. Maybe in time. Piper is too anxious. I think she’s afraid I’m going to leave her like Mom. She follows me around the house like a puppy. She wants to be in whatever room I’m in. I miss my privacy.”

Claire cleared away Nick’s plates. “Anything else?”

He shook his head. He finished his beer and pushed the pint glass toward Claire. Claire picked up the glass and put it in the small dishwasher behind the bar.

Nick shifted in his stool so he was turned toward me. “Claire’s right, you know? It’s great what you’re doing for Piper. But that doesn’t mean you can’t date.”

“Who’s going to want to date someone that has this kind of baggage? I wouldn’t.”

“I see your point,” Claire said. “But you never know.”

“Yeah, you never know,” Nick said.

The alert on my phone sounded. “I have to go. I promised Piper I’d meet her at the bus stop.” I slid off the bar stool and grabbed my purse. “Thanks again, Claire, for letting me borrow the dress.”

“Anytime. I miss you!”

“I miss you, too.”

Nick ran his fingers through his hair. “Later, Rachel. Take care of the kid. And yourself.”

“Thanks.” I walked out the door and climbed into my car. I heard the text alert on my phone and pulled it out of my purse. Claire had texted me. Nick watched you leave.

I texted back a smiley face emoticon.

I pulled up to the bus stop and parked. I’d planned on parking at our apartment and walking up to the stop, but the traffic was heavier than I thought it’d be and there wasn’t enough time. I got out of the car and walked up to the corner behind a woman pushing a stroller and talking on a cellphone. Two moms were chatting about a TV show and a dad was trying to keep his toddler content by tossing a plastic ball with him. The stroller mom stopped beside me. I heard her say goodbye.

“Hi,” she said. “I’m Heather.”

I held out my hand. “Rachel.”

“I’m not looking forward to filling out all the paperwork tonight, are you?”

“Paperwork?”

“Oh, this is your first, huh?”

She didn’t wait for me to reply but jumped right into the next sentence. “There’s always a ton of paperwork to fill out on the first day. I hate it and of course my husband doesn’t want to be bothered so that means it’s all on me. With two kids in school now that’s double the paperwork. Ugh!”

Just as she finished her lament, the bus turned into the apartment complex. The guy tossing the ball with the toddler picked up the boy. The women discussing the TV show stopped talking. All eyes were on the bus as it came to a screeching halt. The kids tumbled out of the door and ran into open arms. A little girl bounced over to Heather and hugged her baby sister and then her mom. Twin boys ran to one of the moms who’d been talking TV only seconds before. Soon every parent had a kid – except me.

My heart started to race. Thump! Thump! Thump! I hated that I felt so parental. I didn’t want to be. I wanted to be the carefree twenty-two-year-old I was three months ago. What was wrong with me? Just as I was about to peek inside the bus and talk to the driver, Piper appeared.

Her cheeks were blotchy and red. She’d been crying. When she saw me, a smile erupted on her face. “You came!”

She ran to me, dropped her backpack and threw her arms around my waist.

“Of course, Pipe. I told you I’d be here when you came home.”

I caught a few smiles from other parents as they glanced in our direction.

I rubbed the top of Piper’s head. She squeezed my waist so tightly I couldn’t move. “Are you ready to go home?”

She let go of my waist and nodded. “It took a long time for that bus to come and get me.”

Piper said the funniest things and I couldn’t help but smile. “Let’s go home and you can tell me all about it.”

Piper emptied her backpack onto the kitchen table. Heather was right. There was a ton of paperwork to fill out. I sorted through the papers while Piper ate a bowl of cereal.

“So, did you like school?”

Piper shook her head while continuing to shovel cereal into her mouth as if she were afraid someone would take the bowl away if she stopped.

“What did you eat in school?”

“Nuggets.”

I looked at the school menu. It was the only blue paper in Piper’s stack. “Oh, you like chicken nuggets.”

Piper scrunched her freckled nose. “Their nuggets tasted funny.”

I looked at the menu. “What about the pudding? You were supposed to have pudding. Did you like that?”

“I like Mommy’s pudding. She puts whipped cream on top. I asked for whipped cream but they didn’t have any.”

I decided that perhaps food wasn’t a great topic. “I bet you made a lot of new friends.”

She shook her head.

“Oh, come on. You met Jacy.”

Finally, a smile. I mentioned Jacy and Piper’s face lit up like a slot machine when the jackpot’s won.

“Jacy and I sat at the same table. Mrs. Baker picked us to be line leaders when we walked to the cafeteria. And we swung together at recess.”

Piper finished her cereal and I listened as she told me all about Jacy. I learned Jacy could read an entire book, could go the whole way across the monkey bars without falling and didn’t have any brothers or sisters but a dog named Winnie the Poodle.