Augusta Triumphans. Or, the Way to Make London the Most Flourishing City in the Universe

We strain at a gnat and swallow a camel; and, in this instance, the publichouses are kept open to furnish our luxury, while we deny ourselves other necessaries of life, out of a scruple of conscience. For example; in extreme hot weather, when meat will not keep from Saturday to Sunday, we throw, or cause to be thrown away, vast quantities of tainted meat, and have generally stinking dinners, because the butchers dare not sell a joint of meat on a Sunday morning. Now, though I would not have the Sabbath so far violated as to have it a market-day, yet, rather than abuse God's mercies by throwing away creatures given for our use, nay, for our own healths and cleanliness sake, I would have the same indulgence in extreme hot weather, as there is for milk and mackerel; that is to say, that meat might be killed in the cool of the morning, viz., one or two of the clock, and sold till nine, and no longer; nor should villanous informers have power to molest them in this innocent and reasonable amendment of a ridiculous vulgar error.

I cannot forbear taking notice of the extravagant use, or rather abuse, of that nauseous liquor called Geneva, among our lower sort. Those who deny that an inferior class of people are most necessary in a body politic, contradict reason and experience itself, since they are most useful when industrious, and as pernicious when lazy. By their industry our manufactures, trade, and commerce are carried on; the merchant in his counting-house, and the captain in his cabin, would find but little employment were it not that many hands carried on the different branches of the concern they superintended.

But now, so far are our common people infatuated with Geneva, that half the work is not done now as formerly. It debilitates and enervates them, and they are not near so strong and healthy as formerly. This accursed liquor is in itself so diuretic, it overstrains the parts of generation, and makes our common people incapable of getting such lusty children as they used to do. Add to this, that the women, by drinking it, spoil their milk, and by giving it to young children, as they foolishly do, spoil the stomach, and hinder digestion; so that in less than an age, we may expect a fine spindle-shanked generation.

There is not in nature so unhealthy a liquor as Geneva, especially as commonly sold; it curdles the blood, it stupefies the senses, it weakens the nerves, it spoils the eyesight, and entirely ruins the stomach; nay, some stomachs have been rendered so cold by the use of Geneva, that lamp spirits have not been a dram warm enough for them. Surely they will come to drink aquafortis at last!

On the contrary, our own malt liquors, especially common draught beer, is most wholesome and nourishing, and has brought up better generations than the present: it is strengthening, cooling, and balsamic; it helps digestion, and carries nourishment with it; and, in spite of the whims of some physicians, is most pertinent to a human, especially a good wholesome English, constitution. Nay, the honest part of the faculty deny not the use of small beer, well brewed, even in fevers. I, myself, have found great benefit by it; and if it be good in its kind, it is the finest jalap upon earth.

If this abuse of Geneva be not stopped, we may go whoop for husbandmen, labourers, &c. Trade must consequently stand still, and the credit of the nation sink; nor is the abatement of the excise, though very considerable, and most worthy notice, any ways comparable to the corruption of manners, the destruction of health, and all the train of evils we are threatened with from pernicious Geneva.

An effectual method to prevent street robberies

The principal encouragements and opportunity given to street robbers is, that our streets are so poorly watched; the watchmen, for the most part, being decrepit, superannuated wretches, with one foot in the grave and the other ready to follow; so feeble that a puff of breath can blow them down. Poor crazy mortals! much fitter for an almshouse than a watchhouse. A city watched and guarded by such animals is wretchedly watched indeed.

Nay, so little terror do our watchmen carry with them, that hardy thieves make a mere jest of them, and sometimes oblige even the very watchman who should apprehend them to light them in their roguery. And what can a poor creature do, in terror of his life, surrounded by a pack of ruffians, and no assistance near?

Add to this, that our rogues are grown more wicked than ever, and vice in all kinds is so much winked at, that robbery is accounted a petty crime. We take pains to puff them up in their villany, and thieves are set out in so amiable a light in the Beggar's Opera, that it has taught them to value themselves on their profession rather than be ashamed of it.

There was some cessation of street robberies, from the time of Bunworth and Blewitt's execution, until the introduction of this pious opera. Now we find the Cartouchian villanies revived, and London, that used to be the most safe and peaceful city in the universe, is now a scene of rapine and danger. If some of Cartouch's gang be not come over to instruct our thieves, and propagate their schemes, we have, doubtless, a Cartouch of our own, and a gang which, if not suppressed, may be full as pernicious as ever Cartouch's was, and London will be as dangerous as Paris, if due care be not taken.

We ought to begin our endeavours to suppress these villanies, first by heavenly, and then by earthly means.

By heavenly means, in enforcing and encouraging a reformation of manners, by suppressing of vice and immorality, and punishing profaneness and licentiousness. Our youth are corrupted by filthy, lewd ballads, sung and sold publicly in our streets; nay, unlicensed and unstamped, notwithstanding acts of parliament to the contrary.

Coachmen, carmen, &c., are indulged in swearing after the most blasphemous, shocking, and unaccountable rate that ever was known. New oaths and blasphemies are daily uttered and invented; and rather than not exercise this hellish talent, they will vent their curses on their very horses; and, oh stupid! damn the blood of a post, rather than want something to curse.

Our common women, too, have learned this vice; and not only strumpets, but labouring women, who keep our markets, and vend things about street, swear and curse at a most hideous rate. Their children learn it from their parents, and those of the middle, or even the better sort of people, if they pass through the streets to school, or to play, catch the infection, and carry home such words as must consequently be very shocking to sober parents.

Our youth, in general, have too much liberty; the Sabbath is not kept with due solemnity; masters and mistresses of families are too remiss in the care of the souls committed to their charge. Family prayer is neglected; and, to the shame of scoffers be it spoken, too much ridiculed. All ages and sexes, if in health, should be obliged to attend public worship, according to their respective opinions. Were it only to keep youth out of harm's way it would do well. But it is to be hoped, if their parents, masters, or mistresses, should oblige their attendance at public devotion, they would edify by what they should hear, and many wicked acts would be stifled in their infancy, and checked even in the intention, by good and useful doctrine.

Our common people make it a day of debauch, and get so drunk on a Sunday they cannot work for a day or two following. Nay, since the use of Geneva has become so common, many get so often drunk they cannot work at all, but run from one irregularity to another, till at last they become arrant rogues. And this is the foundation of all our present complaints.

We will suppose a man able to maintain himself and family by his trade, and at the same time to be a Geneva drinker. This fellow first makes himself incapable of working by being continually drunk; this runs him behindhand, and he either pawns or neglects his work, for which reason nobody will employ him. At last, fear of arrests, his own hunger, the cries of his family for bread, his natural desire to support an irregular life, and a propense hatred to labour, turn but too many an honest tradesman into an arrant desperate rogue. And these are commonly the means that furnish us with thieves and villains in general.

Thus is a man, that might be useful in a body politic, rendered obnoxious to the same: and if this trade of wickedness goes on, they will grow and increase upon us, insomuch that we shall not dare to stir out of our habitations; nay, it will be well if they arrive not to the impudence of plundering our houses at noonday.

Where is the courage of the English nation, that a gentleman, with six or seven servants, shall be robbed by one single highwayman? Yet we have lately had instances of this; and for this we may thank our effeminacy, our toupee wigs, and powdered pates, our tea, and other scandalous fopperies; and, above all, the disuse of noble and manly sports, so necessary to a brave people, once in vogue, but now totally lost among us.

Let not the reader think I run from my subject if I search the bottom of the distemper before I propose a cure, which having done, though indeed but slightly, for this is an argument could be carried to a much greater length, I proceed next to propose earthly means in the manner following.

Let the watch be composed of stout able-bodied men, and of those at least treble the number now subsisting, that is to say, a watchman to every forty houses, twenty on one side of the way, and twenty on the other; for it is observable that a man cannot well see distinctly beyond the extent of twenty houses in a row; if it is a single row, and no opposite houses, the charge must be greater and their safety less. This man should be elected and paid by the housekeepers themselves, to prevent misapplication and abuse, so much complained of in the distribution of public money.

He should be allowed ten shillings per annum by each housekeeper, which at forty houses, as above specified, amounts to 20l. per annum, almost treble to what is at present allowed; and yet most housekeepers are charged at least 2s. 6d. a quarter to the watch, whose beat is, generally speaking, little less than the compass of half a mile.

This salary is something of encouragement, and a pretty settlement to a poor man, who with frugality may live decently thereon, and by due rest be enabled to give vigilant attendance.

If a housekeeper break, or a house is empty, the poor watchman ought not to suffer, the deficiency should be made up by the housekeepers remaining.

Or, indeed, all housekeepers might be excused, if a tax of only one shilling per annum were levied on every bachelor within the bills of mortality, and above the age of one-and-twenty, who is not a housekeeper: for these young sparks are a kind of unprofitable gentry to the state; they claim public safety and advantages, and yet pay nothing to the public; nay, indeed, they in a manner live upon the public, for (on a Sunday especially) at least a million of these gentlemen quarter themselves upon the married men, and rob many families of part of a week's provision, more particularly when they play a good knife and fork, and are of the family of the Tuckers.

I beg pardon for this whimsical proposal, which, ludicrous as it seems, has something in it; and may be improved. Return we, in the mean time, to our subject.

The watch thus stationed, strengthened, and encouraged, let every watchman be armed with firearms and sword; and let no watchman stand above twenty doors distant from his fellow.

Let each watchman be provided with a bugle-horn, to sound an alarm, or in time of danger; and let it be made penal, if not felony, for any but a watchman to sound a horn in and about the city, from the time of their going on, to that of their going off.

An objection will be here made on account of the postboys, to obviate which, I had thoughts of a bell, but that would be too ponderous and troublesome for a watchman to carry, besides his arms and lantern. As to a fixed bell, if the watchman is at another part of his walk, how can he give notice? Besides, rogues may play tricks with the bell; whereas a horn is portable, always ready, and most alarming.

Let the postboys therefore use some other signal, since this is most convenient to this more material purpose. They may carry a bell in a holster with ease, and give notice by that, as well as those who collect the letters.

That the watchmen may see from one end of their walks to the other, let a convenient number of lamps be set up, and those not of the convex kind, which blind the eyes, and are of no manner of use; they dazzle, but give no distinct light: and further, rather than prevent robberies, many, deceived and blinded by these ignes fatui, have been run over by coaches, carts, &c. People stumble more upon one another, even under these very lamps, than in the dark. In short, they are most unprofitable lights, and in my opinion, rather abuses than benefits.

Besides, I see no reason why every ten housekeepers cannot find a lamp among themselves, and let their watchman dress it, rather than fatten a crew of directors; but we are so fond of companies, it is a wonder we have not our shoes blacked by one, and a set of directors made rich at the expense of our very black-guards. Convenient turnpikes and stoppages may be made to prevent escapes, and it will be proper for a watchman to be placed at one of these, fixed at the end of a lane, court, alley, or other thoroughfare, which may happen in any part of his beat, and so as not to obstruct his view to both ends thereof, or being able to give notice, as aforesaid; for the watch ought to be in view, as well as in the hearing of each other, or they may be overpowered, and much danger may happen.

The streets thus guarded and illuminated, what remains but that the money allotted by the government be instantly paid on conviction of every offender; for delays in this case are of dangerous consequence, and nobody will venture their lives in hopes of a reward, if it be not duly and timely paid. If there is reason of complaint on this head, it ought to be looked into by those at the helm; for nothing can be more vile than for underlings to abuse the benevolence of the public, or their superiors, by sinking, abridging, or delaying public or private benefits. And it is by no means below the dignity or care, even of the greatest, to see the disposal of their own bounty and charity; for it loses but too often by the carriage: and where a nobleman or other generous person has ordered five guineas to be given, it is well if the proper object has had even one.

Something allowed by the Chamber of London to every person apprehending a robber, would have a good effect, especially if it be not told over a gridiron, but paid without delay or abatement. And what if the fewer custards are eat, so it augment the public safety.

Some of our common soldiery are, and I hope unjustly, suspected. This may be easily confuted, if strict orders are enforced, that none but commission or warrant officers shall be out of their quarters after ten at night. But if we consider, that neither Blewit, Bunworth, or their gangs, were soldiers, and that of those who have been executed for ten years past, not one in ten were soldiers, but, on the contrary, seamen discharged and thrown on the public without present subsistence, which makes them desperate; but I hope the act now depending for the encouragement of seamen, &c., will sufficiently remove that obstacle also. This, I hope, will stop the mouths of censorious persons, who unjustly arraign our soldiery for the vices of others. However, to make all easy, I believe the generality of them will gladly submit to the restraint proposed, merely to show their innocence.

Mean time, would his most sacred majesty let them partake of his bounty, as the officers, &c., have done, and raise their pay, were it but one penny per diem, it would be a most royal bounty, would considerably contribute to their support, and put them above any sordid views: and there was never more occasion than now, when provisions of all kinds are so excessive dear.

Having offered my little mite to the public, I beg they will excuse the deficiency of my style, and multitude of my errors, for my intention's sake. I write without prospect of gain; if I am censured, it is what I can but expect; but if among all my schemes one proves of service, my desires and labours are amply answered.

Omissions

In my scheme for an university in London I proposed only a hall or public room; on recollection I find it should be a large house or inn, in the nature of a college, with store of convenient rooms for gentlemen, not only to study separately, but wherein to lodge their books, for it would be most inconvenient to lug them backwards and forwards. They may indeed breakfast, sup, and sleep at home, but it will be highly necessary they should dine in commons, or at least near the college; not that I would have cooks, butlers, caterers, manciples, and the whole train of college cannibals retained; but for fear they should stay too long at home, or be hindered from returning to study in due time, some proper place or person might be pitched upon to keep an ordinary, at a prefixed price and hour, and for the students only.

My reasons are these: —

First, A young gentleman may live too far from college.

Second, The college hours for dinner may not agree with those of the family.

Third, Company may drop in and detain him.

These being, I think, the only material objections could be offered, I hope I have amply provided against them, and rendered my project more perfect and unexceptionable.

One omission I made in the discourse on madhouses, &c., is, that maiden ladies as well as widows and wives are liable to the inquisition there complained of, and I am informed a good estate is lately come to a worthless family by the death, or rather murder, of an innocent young creature, who being left very rich, chose to live with her friends; but well had it been for her had she taken up her abode among strangers, for they staved off all proposals for marriage a considerable time, and when at last they found the lady would not be hindered from altering her condition, she was hurried away to a madhouse, where she miserably ended her days, while they rioted in the pillage of her fortune. Thus neither maid, wife, or widow, are safe while these accursed madhouses are suffered; nay, I see no reason, if the age improves in wickedness, as in all probability it may, but the men, per contra, may take their turns. Younger brothers, &c., may clap up their elders, and jump into their estates, for there are no questions asked at these madhouses, but who is the paymaster, and how much; give them but their price, mad or not mad, it is no matter whom they confine; so that if any person lives longer than his relations think convenient, they know their remedy; it is but sending them to a madhouse and the estate is their own.

Having answered all that I think liable to objection, and recollected what I had omitted, I desire to stand or fall by the judgment of the serious part of mankind; wherein they shall correct me I will kiss the rod and suffer with patience; but if a pack of hackney scribblers shall attack me only by way of a get-penny, I shall not be provoked to answer them, be they never so scurrilous, lest I be accounted as one of them.

TO LIEUTENANT-COLONEL SAMUEL ROBINSON

Sir,

I shall congratulate you on your election into the chamberlainship of the city of London, or otherwise, as you shall acquit yourself in answering candidly and impartially to the following queries.

I. whether there is not money sufficient in the chamber of London to pay off the orphan's fund? Or if not a sufficient sum, what sum it is, and what is the deficiency? How long it has lain there, and what interest has been made upon it?

II. If there are not considerable arrears due from many wards, and what those arrears are?

III. Who are these poor orphans we pay so much money to? and whether they are not some of the richest men in the city of London, who have got the stock into their own hands, and find it so snug a fund they do not care to get out of it.

IV. If it would not be much better to gather in the arrears, join them to the money in the office, and collect the overplus at once, rather than suffer the tax to become eternal, and to pay so much interest.

This is but a reasonable request; and if colonel Robinson is the honest gentleman fame reports him to be, he will make no scruple to give a ready answer. And indeed it will be but a handsome return made to his fellow citizens for their choice of him, to begin his office with such an act of justice, honesty, and public satisfaction, for many people do not know what is meant by the orphan's tax; they pay it with remorse, and think themselves aggrieved. Even those who know the reason of the fund think it has been continued long enough, wish it were once paid off, suspect some secret in the affair, and give their tongues the liberty all losers claim; Our fathers, say they, have eaten sour grapes, and our teeth are set on edge, we are visited for their transgressions, and may be to the world's end, unless we shall find an honest chamberlain who will unveil this cloudy affair, and gives us a prospect of relief.

Thus, sir, it lies at your door to gain the applause of the whole city, a few misers excepted, by a generous and gentlemanlike discovery of this affair. And you are thus publicly called upon, that your discovery may be as public and beneficial to all. If you comply, I shall think you an honest man, above a fellow feeling, or being biassed, and most worthy your office; if not, give me leave to think, the citizens of London have made but an indifferent choice.

I am,

Sir,

Yours, as you prove yourself,

Andrew Moreton.

Sept. 23,

1728.