Lavengro: The Scholar, The Gypsy, The Priest

CHAPTER NINETY-TWO

THE LANDLORD – RATHER TOO OLD – WITHOUT A SHILLING – REPUTATION – A FORTNIGHT AGO – LIQUIDS – IRRATIONAL BEINGS – PARLIAMENT COVE – MY BREWER

Amongst other excursions, I went several times to the public-house to which I introduced the reader in a former chapter. I had experienced such beneficial effects from the ale I had drunk on that occasion, that I wished to put its virtue to a frequent test; nor did the ale on subsequent trials belie the good opinion which I had at first formed of it. After each visit which I made to the public-house, I found my frame stronger and my mind more cheerful than they had previously been. The landlord appeared at all times glad to see me, and insisted that I should sit within the bar, where, leaving his other guests to be attended to by a niece of his, who officiated as his housekeeper, he would sit beside me and talk of matters concerning ‘the ring,’ indulging himself with a cigar and a glass of sherry, which he told me was his favourite wine, whilst I drank my ale. ‘I loves the conversation of all you coves of the ring,’ said he once, ‘which is natural, seeing as how I have fought in a ring myself. Ah, there is nothing like the ring; I wish I was not rather too old to go again into it. I often think I should like to have another rally – one more rally, and then – but there’s a time for all things – youth will be served, every dog has his day, and mine has been a fine one – let me be content. After beating Tom of Hopton, there was not much more to be done in the way of reputation; I have long sat in my bar the wonder and glory of this here neighbourhood. I’m content, as far as reputation goes; I only wish money would come in a little faster; however, the next main of cocks will bring me in something handsome – comes off next Wednesday, at – ; have ventured ten five-pound notes – shouldn’t say ventured either – run no risk at all, because why? I knows my birds.’ About ten days after this harangue I called again, at about three o’clock one afternoon. The landlord was seated on a bench by a table in the common room, which was entirely empty; he was neither smoking nor drinking, but sat with his arms folded, and his head hanging down over his breast. At the sound of my step he looked up; ‘Ah,’ said he, ‘I am glad you are come, I was just thinking about you.’ ‘Thank you,’ said I; ‘it was very kind of you, especially at a time like this, when your mind must be full of your good fortune. Allow me to congratulate you on the sums of money you won by the main of cocks at – . I hope you brought it all safe home.’ ‘Safe home!’ said the landlord; ‘I brought myself safe home, and that was all; came home without a shilling, regularly done, cleaned out.’ ‘I am sorry for that,’ said I; ‘but after you had won the money, you ought to have been satisfied, and not risked it again – how did you lose it? I hope not by the pea and thimble.’ ‘Pea and thimble,’ said the landlord – ‘not I; those confounded cocks left me nothing to lose by the pea and thimble.’ ‘Dear me,’ said I; ‘I thought that you knew your birds.’ ‘Well, so I did,’ said the landlord; ‘I knew the birds to be good birds, and so they proved, and would have won if better birds had not been brought against them, of which I knew nothing, and so do you see I am done, regularly done.’ ‘Well,’ said I, ‘don’t be cast down; there is one thing of which the cocks by their misfortune cannot deprive you – your reputation; make the most of that, give up cock-fighting, and be content with the custom of your house, of which you will always have plenty, as long as you are the wonder and glory of the neighbourhood.’

The landlord struck the table before him violently with his fist. ‘Confound my reputation!’ said he. ‘No reputation that I have will be satisfaction to my brewer for the seventy pounds I owe him. Reputation won’t pass for the current coin of this here realm; and let me tell you, that if it ain’t backed by some of it, it ain’t a bit better than rotten cabbage, as I have found. Only three weeks since I was, as I told you, the wonder and glory of the neighbourhood; and people used to come to look at me, and worship me; but as soon as it began to be whispered about that I owed money to the brewer, they presently left off all that kind of thing; and now, during the last three days, since the tale of my misfortune with the cocks has got wind, almost everybody has left off coming to the house, and the few who does, merely comes to insult and flout me. It was only last night that fellow, Hunter, called me an old fool in my own kitchen here. He wouldn’t have called me a fool a fortnight ago; ’twas I called him fool then, and last night he called me old fool; what do you think of that? – the man that beat Tom of Hopton, to be called, not only a fool, but an old fool; and I hadn’t heart, with one blow of this here fist into his face, to send his head ringing against the wall; for when a man’s pocket is low, do you see, his heart ain’t much higher; but it is of no use talking, something must be done. I was thinking of you just as you came in, for you are just the person that can help me.’

‘If you mean,’ said I, ‘to ask me to lend you the money which you want, it will be to no purpose, as I have very little of my own, just enough for my own occasions; it is true, if you desired it, I would be your intercessor with the person to whom you owe the money, though I should hardly imagine that anything I could say – ’ ‘You are right there,’ said the landlord; ‘much the brewer would care for anything you could say on my behalf – your going would be the very way to do me up entirely. A pretty opinion he would have of the state of my affairs if I were to send him such a ’cessor as you; and as for your lending me money, don’t think I was ever fool enough to suppose either that you had any, or if you had that you would be fool enough to lend me any. No, no, the coves of the ring knows better; I have been in the ring myself, and knows what a fighting cove is, and though I was fool enough to back those birds, I was never quite fool enough to lend anybody money. What I am about to propose is something very different from going to my landlord, or lending any capital; something which, though it will put money into my pocket, will likewise put something handsome into your own. I want to get up a fight in this here neighbourhood, which would be sure to bring plenty of people to my house, for a week before and after it takes place; and as people can’t come without drinking, I think I could, during one fortnight, get off for the brewer all the sour and unsaleable liquids he now has, which people wouldn’t drink at any other time, and by that means, do you see, liquidate my debt; then, by means of betting, making first all right, do you see, I have no doubt that I could put something handsome into my pocket and yours, for I should wish you to be the fighting man, as I think I can depend upon you.’ ‘You really must excuse me,’ said I; ‘I have no wish to figure as a pugilist; besides, there is such a difference in our ages; you may be the stronger man of the two, and perhaps the hardest hitter, but I am in much better condition, am more active on my legs, so that I am almost sure I should have the advantage, for, as you very properly observed, “Youth will be served.”’ ‘Oh, I didn’t mean to fight,’ said the landlord; ‘I think I could beat you if I were to train a little; but in the fight I propose I looks more to the main chance than anything else. I question whether half so many people could be brought together if you were to fight with me as the person I have in view, or whether there would be half such opportunities for betting, for I am a man, do you see; the person I wants you to fight with is not a man, but the young woman you keeps company with.’

‘The young woman I keep company with,’ said I; ‘pray what do you mean?’

‘We will go into the bar, and have something,’ said the landlord, getting up. ‘My niece is out, and there is no one in the house, so we can talk the matter over quietly.’ Thereupon I followed him into the bar, where, having drawn me a jug of ale, helped himself as usual to a glass of sherry, and lighted a cigar, he proceeded to explain himself further. ‘What I wants is to get up a fight between a man and a woman; there never has yet been such a thing in the ring, and the mere noise of the matter would bring thousands of people together, quite enough to drink out, for the thing should be close to my house, all the brewer’s stock of liquids, both good and bad.’ ‘But,’ said I, ‘you were the other day boasting of the respectability of your house; do you think that a fight between a man and a woman close to your establishment would add to its respectability?’ ‘Confound the respectability of my house,’ said the landlord; ‘will the respectability of my house pay the brewer, or keep the roof over my head? No, no! when respectability won’t keep a man, do you see, the best thing is to let it go and wander. Only let me have my own way, and both the brewer, myself, and everyone of us, will be satisfied. And then the betting – what a deal we may make by the betting – and that we shall have all to ourselves, you, I, and the young woman; the brewer will have no hand in that. I can manage to raise ten pounds, and if by flashing that about I don’t manage to make a hundred, call me horse.’ ‘But suppose,’ said I, ‘the party should lose, on whom you sport your money, even as the birds did?’ ‘We must first make all right,’ said the landlord, ‘as I told you before; the birds were irrational beings, and therefore couldn’t come to an understanding with the others, as you and the young woman can. The birds fought fair; but I intend that you and the young woman should fight cross.’ ‘What do you mean by cross?’ said I. ‘Come, come,’ said the landlord, ‘don’t attempt to gammon me; you in the ring, and pretend not to know what fighting cross is! That won’t do, my fine fellow; but as no one is near us, I will speak out. I intend that you and the young woman should understand one another, and agree beforehand which should be beat; and if you take my advice, you will determine between you that the young woman shall be beat, as I am sure that the odds will run high upon her, her character as a fist-woman being spread far and wide, so that all the flats who think it will be all right will back her, as I myself would, if I thought it would be a fair thing.’ ‘Then,’ said I, ‘you would not have us fight fair?’ ‘By no means,’ said the landlord, ‘because why? – I conceives that a cross is a certainty to those who are in it, whereas by the fair thing one may lose all he has.’ ‘But,’ said I, ‘you said the other day that you liked the fair thing.’ ‘That was by way of gammon,’ said the landlord; ‘just, do you see, as a Parliament cove might say, speechifying from a barrel to a set of flats, whom he means to sell. Come, what do you think of the plan?’

‘It is a very ingenious one,’ said I.

‘Ain’t it?’ said the landlord. ‘The folks in this neighbourhood are beginning to call me old fool; but if they don’t call me something else, when they sees me friends with the brewer, and money in my pocket, my name is not Catchpole. Come, drink your ale, and go home to the young gentlewoman.’

‘I am going,’ said I, rising from my seat, after finishing the remainder of the ale.

‘Do you think she’ll have any objection?’ said the landlord.

‘To do what?’ said I.

‘Why, to fight cross.’

‘Yes, I do,’ said I.

‘But you will do your best to persuade her?’

‘No, I will not,’ said I.

‘Are you fool enough to wish to fight fair?’

‘No,’ said I, ‘I am wise enough to wish not to fight at all.’

‘And how’s my brewer to be paid?’ said the landlord.

‘I really don’t know,’ said I.

‘I’ll change my religion,’ said the landlord.

CHAPTER NINETY-THREE

ANOTHER VISIT – A CLEVER MAN – ANOTHER STATUE

One evening Belle and myself received another visit from the man in black. After a little conversation of not much importance, I asked him whether he would not take some refreshment, assuring him that I was now in possession of some very excellent Hollands, which, with a glass, a jug of water, and a lump of sugar, was heartily at his service; he accepted my offer, and Belle going with a jug to the spring, from which she was in the habit of procuring water for tea, speedily returned with it full of the clear, delicious water of which I have already spoken. Having placed the jug by the side of the man in black, she brought him a glass and spoon, and a tea-cup, the latter containing various lumps of snowy-white sugar: in the meantime I had produced a bottle of the stronger liquid. The man in black helped himself to some water, and likewise to some Hollands, the proportion of water being about two-thirds; then adding a lump of sugar, he stirred the whole up, tasted it, and said that it was good.

‘This is one of the good things of life,’ he added, after a short pause.

‘What are the others?’ I demanded.

‘There is Malvoisia sack,’ said the man in black, ‘and partridge, and beccafico.’

‘And what do you say to high mass?’ said I.

‘High mass!’ said the man in black; ‘however,’ he continued, after a pause, ‘I will be frank with you; I came to be so; I may have heard high mass on a time, and said it too; but as for any predilection for it, I assure you I have no more than for a long High Church sermon.’

‘You speak a la Margutte,’ said I.

‘Margutte!’ said the man in black, musingly, ‘Margutte!’

‘You have read Pulci, I suppose?’ said I.

‘Yes, yes,’ said the man in black, laughing; ‘I remember.’

‘He might be rendered into English,’ said I, ‘something in this style:

‘To which Margutte answered with a sneer,I like the blue no better than the black,My faith consists alone in savoury cheer,In roasted capons, and in potent sack;But above all, in famous gin and clear,Which often lays the Briton on his back;With lump of sugar, and with lymph from well,I drink it, and defy the fiends of hell.’

‘He! he! he!’ said the man in black; ‘that is more than Mezzofante could have done for a stanza of Byron.’

‘A clever man,’ said I.

‘Who?’ said the man in black. ‘Mezzofante di Bologna.’

‘He! he! he!’ said the man in black; ‘now I know that you are not a gypsy, at least a soothsayer; no soothsayer would have said that – ’

‘Why,’ said I, ‘does he not understand five-and-twenty tongues?’

‘Oh yes,’ said the man in black; ‘and five-and-twenty added to them; but, he! he! he! it was principally from him, who is certainly the greatest of Philologists, that I formed my opinion of the sect.’

‘You ought to speak of him with more respect,’ said I; ‘I have heard say that he has done good service to your See.’

‘Oh yes,’ said the man in black; ‘he has done good service to our See, that is, in his way; when the neophytes of the Propaganda are to be examined in the several tongues in which they are destined to preach, he is appointed to question them, the questions being first written down for him, or else, he! he! he! – Of course you know Napoleon’s estimate of Mezzofante; he sent for the linguist from motives of curiosity, and after some discourse with him, told him that he might depart; then turning to some of his generals he observed, “Nous avons eu ici un exemple qu’un homme peut avoir beaucoup de paroles avec bien peu d’esprit.”’

‘You are ungrateful to him,’ said I; ‘well, perhaps, when he is dead and gone you will do him justice.’

‘True,’ said the man in black; ‘when he is dead and gone, we intend to erect him a statue of wood, on the left-hand side of the door of the Vatican library.’

‘Of wood?’ said I.

‘He was the son of a carpenter, you know,’ said the man in black; ‘the figure will be of wood for no other reason, I assure you; he! he!’

‘You should place another statue on the right.’

‘Perhaps we shall,’ said the man in black; ‘but we know of no one amongst the philologists of Italy, nor, indeed, of the other countries inhabited by the faithful, worthy to sit parallel in effigy with our illustrissimo; when, indeed, we have conquered these regions of the perfidious by bringing the inhabitants thereof to the true faith, I have no doubt that we shall be able to select one worthy to bear him company – one whose statue shall be placed on the right hand of the library, in testimony of our joy at his conversion; for, as you know, “There is more joy,” etc.’

‘Wood?’ said I.

‘I hope not,’ said the man in black; ‘no, if I be consulted as to the material for the statue, I should strongly recommend bronze.’

And when the man in black had said this, he emptied his second tumbler of its contents, and prepared himself another.

CHAPTER NINETY-FOUR

PREROGATIVE – FEELING OF GRATITUDE – A LONG HISTORY – ALLITERATIVE STYLE – ADVANTAGEOUS SPECIMEN – JESUIT BENEFICE! – NOT SUFFICIENT – QUEEN STORK’S TRAGEDY – GOOD SENSE – GRANDEUR AND GENTILITY – IRONMONGER’S DAUGHTER – CLAN MAC-SYCOPHANT – LICKSPITTLES – A CURIOSITY – NEWSPAPER EDITORS – CHARLES THE SIMPLE – HIGH-FLYING DITTY – DISSENTERS – LOWER CLASSES – PRIESTLEY’S HOUSE – ANCESTORS – AUSTIN – RENOVATING GLASS – MONEY – QUITE ORIGINAL

So you hope to bring these regions again beneath the banner of the Roman See?’ said I, after the man in black had prepared the beverage, and tasted it.

‘Hope!’ said the man in black; ‘how can we fail? Is not the Church of these regions going to lose its prerogative?’

‘Its prerogative?’

‘Yes; those who should be the guardians of the religion of England are about to grant Papists emancipation, and to remove the disabilities from Dissenters, which will allow the Holy Father to play his own game in England.’

On my inquiring how the Holy Father intended to play his game, the man in black gave me to understand that he intended for the present to cover the land with temples, in which the religion of Protestants would be continually scoffed at and reviled.

On my observing that such behaviour would savour strongly of ingratitude, the man in black gave me to understand that if I entertained the idea that the See of Rome was ever influenced in its actions by any feeling of gratitude I was much mistaken, assuring me that if the See of Rome in any encounter should chance to be disarmed, and its adversary, from a feeling of magnanimity, should restore the sword which had been knocked out of its hand, the See of Rome always endeavoured on the first opportunity to plunge the said sword into its adversary’s bosom; conduct which the man in black seemed to think was very wise, and which he assured me had already enabled it to get rid of a great many troublesome adversaries, and would, he had no doubt, enable it to get rid of a great many more.

On my attempting to argue against the propriety of such behaviour, the man in black cut the matter short by saying that if one party was a fool he saw no reason why the other should imitate it in its folly.

After musing a little while, I told him that emancipation had not yet passed through the legislature, and that perhaps it never would; reminding him that there was often many a slip between the cup and the lip; to which observation the man in black agreed, assuring me, however, that there was no doubt that emancipation would be carried, inasmuch as there was a very loud cry at present in the land – a cry of ‘tolerance,’ which had almost frightened the Government out of its wits; who, to get rid of the cry, was going to grant all that was asked in the way of toleration, instead of telling the people to ‘hold their nonsense,’ and cutting them down provided they continued bawling longer.

I questioned the man in black with respect to the origin of this cry; but he said, to trace it to its origin would require a long history; that, at any rate, such a cry was in existence, the chief raisers of it being certain of the nobility, called Whigs, who hoped by means of it to get into power, and to turn out certain ancient adversaries of theirs called Tories, who were for letting things remain in statu quo; that these Whigs were backed by a party amongst the people called Radicals, a specimen of whom I had seen in the public-house; a set of fellows who were always in the habit of bawling against those in place; ‘and so,’ he added, ‘by means of these parties, and the hubbub which the Papists and other smaller sects are making, a general emancipation will be carried, and the Church of England humbled, which is the principal thing which the See of Rome cares for.’

On my telling the man in black that I believed that, even among the high dignitaries of the English Church, there were many who wished to grant perfect freedom to religions of all descriptions, he said he was aware that such was the fact, and that such a wish was anything but wise, inasmuch as, if they had any regard for the religion they professed, they ought to stand by it through thick and thin, proclaiming it to be the only true one, and denouncing all others, in an alliterative style, as dangerous and damnable; whereas, by their present conduct, they were bringing their religion into contempt with the people at large, who would never continue long attached to a Church the ministers of which did not stand up for it, and likewise cause their own brethren, who had a clearer notion of things, to be ashamed of belonging to it. ‘I speak advisedly,’ said he, in continuation; ‘there is one Platitude.’

‘And I hope there is only one,’ said I; ‘you surely would not adduce the likes and dislikes of that poor silly fellow as the criterions of the opinions of any party?’

‘You know him,’ said the man in black, ‘nay, I heard you mention him in the public-house; the fellow is not very wise, I admit, but he has sense enough to know that, unless a Church can make people hold their tongues when it thinks fit, it is scarcely deserving the name of a Church; no, I think that the fellow is not such a very bad stick, and that upon the whole he is, or rather was, an advantageous specimen of the High Church English clergy, who, for the most part, so far from troubling their heads about persecuting people, only think of securing their tithes, eating their heavy dinners, puffing out their cheeks with importance on country justice benches, and occasionally exhibiting their conceited wives, hoyden daughters, and gawky sons at country balls, whereas Platitude – ’

‘Stop,’ said I; ‘you said in the public-house that the Church of England was a persecuting Church, and here in the dingle you have confessed that one section of it is willing to grant perfect freedom to the exercise of all religions, and the other only thinks of leading an easy life.’

‘Saying a thing in the public-house is a widely different thing from saying it in the dingle,’ said the man in black; ‘had the Church of England been a persecuting Church, it would not stand in the position in which it stands at present; it might, with its opportunities, have spread itself over the greater part of the world. I was about to observe that, instead of practising the indolent habits of his High Church brethren, Platitude would be working for his money, preaching the proper use of fire and faggot, or rather of the halter and the whipping-post, encouraging mobs to attack the houses of Dissenters, employing spies to collect the scandal of neighbourhoods, in order that he might use it for sacerdotal purposes, and, in fact, endeavouring to turn an English parish into something like a Jesuit benefice in the south of France.’

‘He tried that game,’ said I, ‘and the parish said “Pooh, pooh,” and, for the most part, went over to the Dissenters.’

‘Very true,’ said the man in black, taking a sip at his glass, ‘but why were the Dissenters allowed to preach? why were they not beaten on the lips till they spat out blood, with a dislodged tooth or two. Why, but because the authority of the Church of England has, by its own fault, become so circumscribed that Mr. Platitude was not able to send a host of beadles and sbirri to their chapel to bring them to reason, on which account Mr. Platitude is very properly ashamed of his Church, and is thinking of uniting himself with one which possesses more vigour and authority.’

‘It may have vigour and authority,’ said I, ‘in foreign lands, but in these kingdoms the day for practising its atrocities is gone by. It is at present almost below contempt, and is obliged to sue for grace in forma pauperis.’

‘Very true,’ said the man in black; ‘but let it once obtain emancipation, and it will cast its slough, put on its fine clothes, and make converts by thousands. “What a fine Church!” they’ll say; “with what authority it speaks! no doubts, no hesitation, no sticking at trifles. What a contrast to the sleepy English Church!” They’ll go over to it by millions, till it preponderates here over every other, when it will of course be voted the dominant one; and then – and then – ’ and here the man in black drank a considerable quantity of gin and water.