Josh Billings, Hiz Sayings

Wit iz a pleasant surprize ov Truth.

No man haz a rite tu be proud till he bekums entirely vartuous, and then he wont feel like being proud.

The power ov oratory lays more in the manner, than in the matter; yu kant reduse it tew riting, enny more than yu kan pla a streak ov lightning on a hand organ.

Sum folks when tha fite, will throw the fust brik bat tha kan git hold ov, jist so sum folks will du when tha argy.

Epitaff – here lies John Ferguson, Esq., died wurth half a million – less the kingdom ov heaven.

Avaris eats up all the good things in a man, and then feeds on his vices.

XIV.

JOSH BILLINGS ADDRESSES THE "FEMAIL BILLINGSVILLE SOWING SOSIETY."

Feller Sisters: – When I caste mi eye on a sirkle of luvely wimmin bizzy with their needles, mi harte seems tew stretch clean akross mi buzzum. And when i reflek for a minnit, that tha are tew work for nothing, and find themselfs, and that a yung heathin stans reddy yelping around the corner, for the very shirt tha are wurking on, it duz seem tu me, that i cud shout hozzanner for 3 weeks on a strech. Feller Sisters, yu kan kount on Josh Billings az a frend; he luves charitee, az a pup hankers for nu milk; his verry natur looks out onto the horizen ov the poor folks, jist as the lite ov a tin lantern shines akross a bog meddow. And he sees the little bare bak yung ones shivering for a krust ov bread, and hungry for a shirt; then he looks at the Sisters, a talking and sowing, and sowing and talking, and he kounts a hole parcil ov little shirts on the tabil, and then he thinks ov the widders cruise, and the bred hove onto the waters, menshioned in the good Book, and he feels jist az tho he wud like tew own awl the femail sowing sosieties in the wurld hisself, and put hiz hole fortin in the little reddy made cottin shirt bizziness. Oh Charitee! Oh Charitee! When Josh Billings communes with you, he feals az tho he had jist been tried out, and sot awa tew cool. Feller Sisters don't be skeered, let the ritch and the hawty stik up their nozes, and let the eddicated larf. Josh wud like no better fun than jiss to bet his 9 dollars, that enny Sister, in full communion with this ere sowing sosiety, who puts in full time, and cuts the cotting tew advantage, wil git her final reward. Tew konklude, Feller Sisters, pitch in; remember Mr. Lots wife, she that was salted for looken bak. Cum together arly, and oftin, buy yure cottin by the pease; be keerful how yu deal out youre shirts, for thare iz evry now and then a bogus heathin. Stan bi yure konstitushion, and bi laws, dew awl this, and the "Femail Billingsville Sowing Sosiety" will go down tew futer prosterita, like a wide-awake torchlite possession. I bid yu tenderla ajew.

XV.

NOSHUNS

Yankee Noshuns

In gazeing at the different kind ov noshuns that prevale jist now, we are struck with the vitality, and permiskuousness, ov the Yankee noshuns. These are a kind ov noshuns that reside in Nu England, but travel awl over the world. They are for the present known az the lead gimblet, the basswood sperm-kandle, and the sole leather juise harp noshun, relieved at times, by the hickory lossenge, the charkole led pensil, and the lard bears ile noshun, and okasionally interlined, tew keep up the appetite, with paper razor straps, plaster-paris sheep shears, and the sour milk opedeldock noshun, which iz warranted tew kure the attack ov a 50 cent shinplaster, in 4 seckunds; to which has lately bin added pewter jak knives, with pork rhine handles, and itch intement, made out ov strong butter, and lamblak. Yankee noshuns are the affek ov tew mutch genius.

Hoss Noshuns

It iz really curis how folks differ in their noshuns about hosses, sum wants a bob-tailed hoss, and sum dont, sum wants a bay, and sum wants a yaller, and sum wants any culler so bad that they hav tew be sent tew state prizon, tew be healed ov their pashion for the nobel animal, the hoss. I knu ov one old feller who waz very noshunal, he wouldn't hav a hoss only jist so high, he never stabled him, and let him git hiz own fodder, he kept him for 47 years, and the hoss outlived him, the last time I saw the hoss he waz alive, but poor az wood; the old feller called the hoss "saw-buck," and sed he waz sired bi carpenter, out ov a white ash skantling. Hoss noshuns are well enuff, but they never ought tew be allowed tew interfere with a man's final salvashun.

Rum Noshuns

Perhaps thare iz no subjek that moste men agree on so well bi the gallon, but when it comes down tew a drink, that they are so full ov noshuns about, az their rum. I hav seen lots ov old-fashioned people, who never thought ov drinking tanzy, unless they put rum into it, and wouldn't no more drink a gin-coktale without nutmeg on the top ov it, than they would skim milk. Then agin their iz sum who must hav Jamaka, or the bronkeetis, one, or tuther; and sum who must hav the belly-ake 3 or 4 times a day, or they kant relish brandee and sugar. But thare waz one beardless boy, over whose hed skase 14 summers had melted, who beats them awl, he aktually hove a fust class mint julek away, and called for anuther, jist bekause it wouldn't suk fast enuff, through the straw; I call this letting a man's good sense git the better ov his judgment. Rum noshuns are like gitting struk with litening, the theory iz well enuff, but the praktis is a bad one tew git into.

Religious Creed Noshuns

The idee that thare iz onla one way tew git tew Heaven iz awl rong, but the idee that there iz but one Heaven tew git tew, iz awl right. Az a gineral thing nations go tew war for the most ornary things, so men will fite the wust kind, for a religious noshun, that they hain't got the fust smell of. I dont care, for mi part, whether a man iz a piscopaleyen, or a soft shell baptiss, nor I don't think the Lord duz nuther. Religious creed noshuns for man, are like the scent the foxes leave for the hounds, the less thare iz ov it, the more kerful the dorg hunts, and the less likely he iz tew take enny uther trak.

XVI.

SAYINS

If yu hav got a real good wife, kepe perfectly still, and thank God evry twenty minnitts for it.

A man with one idee alwus put me in mind ov an old goose a tryin to hatch out a paving stun.

"Honesta is the best polisy," but dont take mi wurd for it, tri it.

Menny a book has bin writ, which proved tu be an obituara notis ov the author.

Tha tells us "that munny is the rute ov all evil;" and then tell us "tu rute hog or di."

A man running for offiss puts me in minde ov a dog that's lost – he smells ov everybody he meets, and wags hisself all over.

Look out, galls! the Jack of hartes is alwus a nave.

Gravity is very often mistakin for wisdum, but thare is as much differ as thare is between a gide board and the man who maid it.

Evra man has a goose that lays golden eggs, if he only nu it.

XVII.

ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS

"Lines tu a sleeping infant, bi Alice," receaved. Tha are tender, dredful tender, almost tu tender, tu keep thru this hot spel; yu hav talons ov the highest order, but yu must kross yure t's, or yu kant suckeed in portri; good bi Alice!

"Reverie ov a Bachelor," Anonimous. – Received, and kontents noted. Thare iz only one trubble with this produckshun, which time will correckt, and that iz, "it wont du at all for our collums," respekfully declined, (on the part ov the edditurs, by J. B.) on account ov its length and thickness.

"The Sea, the roarin Sea." – A sublime standzas, wurth at least 7 dollars, intended, undoubtedly, for The Atlantic Monthly, and cent tu us bi mistake, we wud like tu accept it, but dassent, fur fere folks mite sa we stole it.

"Will yu Kiss me Dearest," Bi Mary Ann. – Acksepted. We take all them kind ov chanses. The potri ain't fust rate, but we expect the kissin kan't be beat, till then, fair Maid ajew!

"A gealogikal synopsorum ov the heavenly spears," Bi Paul Vernon – Will appere in our nex issu. This writer haz attaked a subjeck ov grate differkilty, with the biggest kind ov energee, and haz suckceeded; his thesis is admirable, hiz argyment iz clus, and his stile is camphene. We sa "Mount Vernon! on eagil wings, beyond the klouds, and paint yure name rite over the top ov the door that leads tu glory, Mount Vernon, mi boy!" We predick grate poplarity for this writer, if he aint kut oph by a frost.

"A Prairie on fire," Bi Diogoneze. – Rejeckted to onst. Tu hot for the sezon – cool artikles take the best now. It made me swet tu rede the manuskrip. "Dont despair Diogoneze," if yu find literature aint yure stile, tri sawing wood; iv'e known hundreds ov men make a dust sawing wood, who want worth a cuss tu write for the nusepapirs.

"Wait a little longer," Bi Eugene. – This potri wants greasing. Thare aint nothin so eaza tu rite az potri, if yu know how. Our advise tu this author iz tu take pills, and if tha dont release him ov his potri, he kan konklude he haz got the potri dizeaze the natral wa, and iz liable tu brake out at sumtime.

In konklusion, Fustly, we would sa tu moste writers, "write often, and publish seldom." Secondly, tu sum writers, "write seldom and publish seldemmer."

XVIII.

THE DEVIL'S PUTTY AND VARNISH

When a man cums tew the konklusion that he would like tew kill sumboddy at thirty paces, he imagines that he haz bin wronged, and sends hiz best friend a challenge tew fite a dewell; tha meet, and an elegant murder iz committed; the cracks, in this transaktion are puttyed up, and then varnished over, bi being kalled, "an affair ov honnor." When a man robs a saving bank, or goes tew urope on the last steamer, with the stolen reseipts ov a sanitary kommittee in his pocket, a kommittee ov investigashun are got together tew examine the stait ov affairs, and unanimously report "a diskrepansy in hiz akounts." 2 yung men hire a hoss and buggy at a livri stable, and go into the kuntry on Sunda. Tha stop at the fust tavern tha meet, and invest in sum ardent speerits. They stop agin pretty soon, and histe in sum more ardent speerits. The more tha histe in, the more tha drive, till bi and bi a devilish bridge tips them over into a devilish gutter that sumboddy haz left bi the side ov the road, and tha are awl killed, including the hoss and buggy. This is kalled a "Fatal acksident." A man and hiz wife are living in the middle ov joy and consolashun, tha are surrounded on awl sides bi a yung and interesting familee, their bread iz cut thin, and buttered on both sides and the edges, but the destroyer enters the family, the wife wants a nu silk gown, the man sez he "be d – d if she duz," and she "be d – d if she dont." One word brings on another, till tha fite, both ov them lose awl the hair in their heds, and 2 full setts ov false teeth, the thing ends in a divorse, the man runs awa tew Australia bi the overland route, the woman marry's a cirkus rider at 40 Dollars a month, the children are adopted bi sum sunda school, and are brought up on homopathy. This furnishes a collum and a half in the nusepaper, under the hed ov "Disturbanse ov the marrid relation." A youth ov 21 summer begins life with 36 thousand dollars. Sevral fast hosses belong tew him, there iz sevral fast wimmin that he belongs tew, awl the tavern keepers are hiz patrons, faro banks are bilt for hiz amuzement, consolidated lotterys are chartered on purpiss tew make him happee; nothing iz left undun tew make him feel good. He wakes up about the 25th ov next May, without a dollar in hiz pocket, and a host ov warm friends on hiz hands, without enny visible means ov supporting them. He takes an akount ov stock, he buys a pint ov rum and 4 yards ov bed kord, the one makes him limber, while the other makes him stiff. The putty and varnish in this kase iz, "Driven tew desperashun on akount of finanshul preshure." A rale rode trane stands snorting in front ov the depoe, the last bel iz ringing, the kars are full ov souls that belong tew different individuals, the konducktor iz full ov Bourbon, that belongs tew the devil, the engineer labors under an attack ov Jamaka for the broketis, the switchmen likes a leetle good old rye, the kars diskount 45 miles a hour, 2 trains tri tew pass each other on the same track; it kant be did suckcessfully; the mangled and ded are kounted bi skores, a searching investigashun takes plase, the community iz satizfied, bekause it waz, "an unavoidable katastrophe." The Devil furnishes putty and varnish, free ov expense, tew hide the frauds and guilt ov men. Aul ov which iz respekfully committed Bi

Josh Billings.

XIX.

MANIFEST DESTINY

Manifest destiny iz the science ov going tew the devil, or enny other place before yu git thare. I may be rong in this centiment, but that iz the way it strikes me, and i am so put together that when enny thing strikes me i immejiately strike back. Manifest destiny mite perhaps be blocked out agin az the condishun that man and things find themselfs in with a ring in their nozes and sumboddy hold ov the ring. I may be rong agin, but if i am, awl i hav got tew sa iz, i don't kno it, and what a man don't kno ain't no damage tew enny boddy else. The tru way that manifess destiny had better be sot down iz, the exact distance that a frog kan jump down hill with a striped snake after him; i dont kno but i may be wrong onst more, but if the frog don't git ketcthed the destiny iz jist what he iz a looking for.

When a man falls into the bottom ov a well and makes up hiz minde tew stay thare, that ain't manifess destiny enny more than having yure hair cut short iz; but if he almoste gits out and then falls down in agin 16 foot deeper and brakes off his neck twice in the same plase and dies and iz buried thare at low water, that iz manifess destiny on the square. Standing behind a bull in fly time and gitting kicked twice at one time, must feel a good deal like manifess destiny. Being about 10 seckunds tew late tew git an express train, and then chasing the train with yure wife, and an umbreller in yure hands, in a hot day, and not getting az near tew the train az you waz when yu started, looks a leetle like manifess destiny on a rale rode trak. Going into a tempranse house and calling for a little old Bourbon on ice, and being told in a mild way that "the Bourbon iz jist out, but they hav got sum gin that cost 72 cents a gallon in Paris," sounds tew me like the manifess destiny ovmoste tempranse houses.

Mi dear reader, don't beleave in manifess destiny untill yu see it. Thare iz such a thing az manifess destiny, but when it occurs it iz like the number ov rings on the rakoon's tale, ov no grate consequense onla for ornament. Man wan't made for a machine, if he waz, it waz a locomotiff machine, and manifess destiny must git oph from the trak when the bell rings, or git knocked higher than the price ov gold. Manifess destiny iz a disseaze, but it iz eazy tew heal; i hav seen it in its wust stages cured bi sawing a cord ov dri hickory wood. I thought i had it onse, it broke out in the shape ov poetry; i sent a speciment ov the disseaze tew a magazine, the magazine man wrote me nex day as follers,

"Dear Sur Yu may be a dam phule, but yu are no poeck. Yures, in haste."

XX.

ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS

Perkins. – I hav red yure peace, on "Wimmins Rites," thru, and thru, and must say that i luv it. In mi opinyun, wimmin haz a rite to tu dew enny thing well, but saw wood; sawin wood, ain't their stile; speshially if the sawbuk iz a high one, it must mortify them the wust wa.

Harrold. – Yure genus iz not fully born yet, when it gits awl born, i think yu will be a poeck. Yu hav got imaginashun enuff tew keep a livery stable. Yure landguage iz a leetle too florid; did you ever travel in Florida? Tri agin – I notis one ov yure lines, haz 10 feet into it, and the nex one, haz only got 9 feet, six inches. Sum poiks air born, and sum are manafaktured; the manafaktured ones, are the moste stiddyest, tha aint so ap tew hanker after mint juleps. Yu ought to go up garrett when yu praktis, moste awl good poeckry haz bin rit up garrett.

Hard Road. – Yure essa has sum good hits intu it, but iz not jis the thing for a religus nuzepaper, like ours; send it tu "Wilkes Spirit," a paper that knows how tu talk hoss. I will merely suggess, that pedigree iz not important for a fast trotting hoss; if he kan trot fast, never minde the pedigree. Thare iz a grate menny fast men, even, who haint got no pedigree. Thare aint mutch art in driving a trotting hoss, jist hold them bak hard, and holler them ahead hard, thats awl. A hoss will trot the fastest down hill, espeshila, if the briching brakes. Kuller is no kriterion. I hav seen awful mean hosses, ov awl kullers, excep green, i never cee a mean one ov this kuller. Hosses liv tew an honarabil old age, and i hav often seen them, that apeared fully prepared for deth. Heathins are alwus kind tew hosses; it iz only among christian people, that a hoss haz tew trot 3 mile heats, in a hot da, for $25,000 in kounterfit munny.

XXI.

ON DOGS

When fickle frends and fickler fortin fales,Dogs, unfickle still, for you will wag their tales.

Dogs are various in kind, and thanks tew an allwise Providence, tha are various in number. Tha are the onla animil ov the brute perswashun, who hav voluntary left a wilde stait ov natur, and cum in under the flag ov man. Tha are not vagabones bi choise, and luv tew belong tu sumbody. This fac endears them tew us, and i hav alwas rated the dog az about the seventh cusin tew the humain specious. Tha kant talk, but tha kan lick yure hand, this shows that their hearts iz in the plase where uther folks' tungs iz. Dogs in the lump are useful, but tha are not alwas proffittable in the lump. The Nufoundlin dog is useful tew saive childiren from drowning, but yu hav got tew hav a pond or water, and children running around kareless, or else the dog aint profitable. Thare aint nothing maid boarding a Nufoundlin dog. Rat Tarries air useful tew kech rats, but the rats aint proffittable after yu hav keched them. The Shepard dog is useful tew drive sheep, but if yu hav got tew go and buy a flock ov sheep, and pay more than tha are wurth, jist to keep the dog bizzy, the dog aint proffittable, not mutch. Lap dogs are very useful, but if yu dont hold them in yure lap awl the time, tha aint proffittable at all. Bull dogs are extremely useful, but yu hav got tew keep a bull too, or else yu kant make ennything on the dog. The Coach dog iz one ov the moste usefullest ov dogs i kno ov, but yu hav got to hav a coach, (and that aint alwus pleasant) or yu kant realize from the dog. Thus we cee, that while dogs are ginerally useful, thare are times, when tha aint ginerally proffittable. I dont really luv a Yaller dog, nor a mad dog, but with these two unfortunate excepshuns, it is dredful hard work for me to sa a hard word agin a dog; the wag ov their tails is what takes me. Enny man who will abuze a dog, neadn't ask me to luv him, or pra for him. Enny man who will abuze a dog will abuse a woman, and enny man who will abuse a woman is thirty-five or forty miles meaner than – a pale paller dog. These are my centiments, and i shant change them, until i receive notice that the camel has smoothed down the hump on his back, and the sarpent ceases tew wiggle when he wanders.

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