Lyre and Lancet: A Story in Scenes

Undershell (to himself). If he knew how near I went to getting the poor beast shot! But I needn't mention that now.

Spurrell. I don't say it isn't gratifying to be treated like a swell, but I've got my professional reputation to consider, you know; and if they're going to take up all my time talking about Andromeda —

Undershell (with a start). Andromeda! They have been talking about Andromeda? To you! Then it's you who —

Spurrell. Haven't I been telling you? I should just jolly well think they have been talking about her! So you didn't know my bull's name was Andromeda before, eh? But you seem to have heard of her, too!

Undershell (slowly). I – I have heard of Andromeda – yes.

[He drops into a chair, dazed.

Spurrell (complacently). It's curious how that bitch's fame seems to have spread. Why, even the old Bishop – But, I say, you're looking rather queer; anything the matter with you, old fellow?

Undershell (faintly). Nothing – nothing. I – I feel a little giddy, that's all. I shall be better presently.

[He conceals his face.

Spurrell (in concern). It was having that basket down on your head like that. Too bad! Here, I'll get you some water. (He bustles about.) I don't know if you're aware of it, old chap, but you're in a regular dooce of a mess!

Undershell (motioning him away irritably). Do you suppose I don't know that? For Heaven's sake, don't speak to me! let me alone!.. I want to think – I want to think. (To himself.) I see it all now! I've made a hideous mistake! I thought these Culverins were deliberately – And all the time – Oh, what an unspeakable idiot I've been!.. And I can't even explain!.. The only thing to do is to escape before this fellow suspects the truth. It's lucky I ordered that carriage! (Aloud, rising.) I'm all right now; and – and I can't stay here any longer. I am leaving directly – directly!

Spurrell. You must give me time to get out of this toggery, old chap; you'll have to pick me out of it like a lobster!

Undershell (wildly). The clothes? Never mind them now. I can't wait. Keep them!

Spurrell. Do you really mean it, old fellow? If you could spare 'em a bit longer, I'd be no end obliged. Because, you see, I promised Lady Rhoda to come and finish a talk we were having, and they've taken away my own things to brush, so I haven't a rag to go down in except these; and they'd all think it so beastly rude if I went to bed now!

Undershell (impatiently). I tell you you may keep them, if you'll only go away!

Spurrell. But where am I to send the things to when I've done with 'em?

Undershell. What do I – Stay, here's my card. Send them to that address. Now go and finish your evening!

Spurrell (gratefully). You are a rattling good chap, and no mistake! Though I'm hanged if I can quite make out what you're doing here, you know!

Undershell. It's not at all necessary that you should make it out. I am leaving immediately, and – and I don't wish Sir Rupert or Lady Culverin to hear of this – you understand?

Spurrell. Well, it's no business of mine; you've behaved devilish well to me, and I'm not surprised that you'd rather not be seen in the state you're in. I shouldn't like it myself!

Undershell. State? What state?

Spurrell. Ah, I wondered whether you knew. You'll see what I mean when you've had a look at yourself in the glass. I dare say it'll come off right enough. I can't stop. Ta, ta, old fellow, and thanks awfully!

[He goes out.

Undershell (alone). What does he mean? But I've no time to waste. Where have they put my portmanteau? I can't give up everything. (He hunts round the room, and eventually discovers a door leading into a small dressing-room.) Ah, it's in there. I'll get it out, and put my things in. (As he rushes back, he suddenly comes face to face with his own reflection in a cheval glass.) Wh – who's that? Can this – this piebald horror possibly be —me? How – ? Ah, it was ink in that infernal basket – not water! And my hair's full of flour! I can't go into a hotel like this, they'd think I was an escaped lunatic! (He flies to a wash-hand stand, and scrubs and sluices desperately, after which he inspects the result in the mirror.) It's not nearly off yet! Will anything get rid of this streakiness? (He soaps and scrubs once more.) And the flour's caked in my hair now! I must brush it all out before I am fit to be seen. (He gradually, after infinite toil, succeeds in making himself slightly more presentable.) Is the carriage waiting for me all this time? (He pitches things into his portmanteau in a frantic flurry.) What's that? Some one's coming!

[He listens.

Tredwell (outside). It's my conviction you've been telling me a pack o' lies, you young rascal. For what hearthly business that feller Undershell could 'ave in the Verney – However, I'll soon see how it is. (He knocks.) Is any one in 'ere?

Undershell (to himself, distractedly). He mustn't find me here! Yet, where – Ah, it's the only place!

[He blows out the candles, and darts into the dressing-room as Tredwell enters.

Tredwell. The boy's right. He is in here; them candles is smouldering still. (He relights one, and looks under the bed.) You'd better come out o' that, Undershell, and give an account of yourself – do you 'ear me?.. He ain't under there! (He tries the dressing-room door; Undershell holds his breath, and clings desperately to the handle.) Very well, sir, I know you're there, and I've no time to trouble with you at present, so you may as well stay where you are till you're wanted. I've 'eard o' your goings-on from Mr. Adams, and I shall 'ave to fetch Sir Rupert up to 'ave a talk with you by and bye.

[He turns the key upon him, and goes.

Undershell (to himself, overwhelmed, as the butler's step is heard retreating.) And I came down here to assert the dignity of Literature!

PART XVI

AN INTELLECTUAL PRIVILEGE

In the Chinese Drawing-room. Time —About 9.45 P.M.

Mrs. Earwaker. Yes, dear Lady Lullington, I've always insisted on each of my girls adopting a distinct line of her own, and the result has been most satisfactory. Louisa, my eldest, is literary; she had a little story accepted not long ago by The Milky Way; then Maria is musical – practices regularly three hours every day on her violin. Fanny has become quite an expert in photography – kodaked her father the other day in the act of trying a difficult stroke at billiards; a back view – but so clever and characteristic!

Lady Lullington (absently). A back view? How nice!

Mrs. Earwaker. He was the only one of the family who didn't recognize it at once. Then my youngest Caroline – well, I must say that for a long time I was quite in despair about Caroline. It really looked as if there was no single thing that she had the slightest bent or inclination for. So at last I thought she had better take up religion, and make that her speciality.

Lady Lullington (languidly). Religion! How very nice!

Mrs. Earwaker. Well, I got her a Christian Year and a covered basket, and quantities of tracts, and so on; but, somehow, she didn't seem to get on with it. So I let her give it up; and now she's gone in for poker-etching instead.

Lady Lullington (by an act of unconscious cerebration). Poker-etching! How very, very nice!

[Her eyelids close gently.

Lady Rhoda. Oh, but indeed, Lady Culverin, I thought he was perfectly charmin': not a bit booky, you know, but as clever as he can stick; knows more about terriers than any man I ever met!

Lady Culverin. So glad you found him agreeable, my dear. I was half afraid he might strike you as – well, just a little bit common in his way of talking.

Lady Rhoda. P'raps – but, after all, one can't expect those sort of people to talk quite like we do ourselves, can one?

Lady Cantire. Is that Mr. Spurrell you are finding fault with, Albinia? It is curious that you should be the one person here who – I consider him a very worthy and talented young man, and I shall most certainly ask him to dinner – or lunch, at all events – as soon as we return. I dare say Lady Rhoda will not object to come and meet him.

Lady Rhoda. Rather not. I'll come, like a shot!

Lady Culverin (to herself). I suppose it's very silly of me to be so prejudiced. Nobody else seems to mind him!

Miss Spelwane (crossing over to them). Oh, Lady Culverin, Lady Lullington has such a delightful idea – she's just been saying how very, very nice it would be if Mr. Spurrell could be persuaded to read some of his poetry aloud to us presently. Do you think it could be managed?

Lady Culverin (in distress). Really, my dear Vivien, I – I don't know what to say. I fancy people would so much rather talk – don't you think so, Rohesia?

Lady Cantire. Probably they would, Albinia. It is most unlikely that they would care to hear anything more intellectual and instructive than the sound of their own voices.

Miss Spelwane. I told Lady Lullington that I was afraid you would think it a bore, Lady Cantire.

Lady Cantire. You are perfectly mistaken, Miss Spelwane. I flatter myself I am quite as capable of appreciating a literary privilege as anybody here. But I cannot answer for its being so acceptable to the majority.

Lady Culverin. No, it wouldn't do at all. And it would be making this young man so much too conspicuous.

Lady Cantire. You are talking nonsense, my dear. When you are fortunate enough to secure a celebrity at Wyvern, you can't make him too conspicuous. I never knew that Laura Lullington had any taste for literature before, but there's something to be said for her suggestion – if it can be carried out; it would at least provide a welcome relief from the usual after-dinner dullness of this sort of gathering.

Miss Spelwane. Then – would you ask him, Lady Cantire?

Lady Cantire. I, my dear? You forget that I am not hostess here. My sister-in-law is the proper person to do that.

Lady Culverin. Indeed I couldn't. But perhaps, Vivien, if you liked to suggest it to him, he might —

Miss Spelwane. I'll try, dear Lady Culverin. And if my poor little persuasions have no effect, I shall fall back on Lady Cantire, and then he can't refuse. I must go and tell dear Lady Lullington – she'll be so pleased! (To herself, as she skims away.) I generally do get my own way. But I mean him to do it to please Me!

Lady Cantire (to herself). I must say that girl is very much improved in manner since I last saw anything of her.

Mrs. Chatteris (a little later, to Lady Maisie). Have you heard what a treat is in store for us? That delightful Mr. Spurrell is going to give us a reading or a recitation, or something, from his own poems; at least Miss Spelwane is to ask him as soon as the men come in. Only I should have thought that he would be much more likely to consent if you asked him.

Lady Maisie. Would you? I'm sure I don't know why.

Mrs. Chatteris (archly). Oh, he took me in to dinner, you know, and it's quite wonderful how people confide in me, but I suppose they feel I can be trusted. He mentioned a little fact, which gave me the impression that a certain fair lady's wishes would be supreme with him.

Lady Maisie (to herself). The wretch! He has been boasting of my unfortunate letter! (Aloud.) Mr. Spurrell had no business to give you any impression of the kind. And the mere fact that I – that I happened to admire his verses —

Mrs. Chatteris. Exactly! Poets' heads are so easily turned; and, as I said to Captain Thicknesse —

Lady Maisie. Captain Thicknesse! You have been talking about it – to him!

Mrs. Chatteris. I'd no idea you would mind anybody knowing, or I would never have dreamed of – I've such a perfect horror of gossip! It took me so much by surprise, that I simply couldn't resist. But I can easily tell Captain Thicknesse it was all a mistake; he knows how fearfully inaccurate I always am.

Lady Maisie. I would rather you said nothing more about it, please; it is really not worth while contradicting anything so utterly absurd. (To herself.) That Gerald – Captain Thicknesse – of all people, should know of my letter! And goodness only knows what story she may have made out of it!

Mrs. Chatteris (to herself, as she moves away). I've been letting my tongue run away with me, as usual. She's not the original of "Lady Grisoline," after all. Perhaps he meant Vivien Spelwane – the description was much more like her!

Pilliner (who has just entered with some of the younger men, to Miss Spelwane). What are you doing with these chairs? Why are we all to sit in a circle, like Moore and Burgess people? You're not going to set the poor dear Bishop down to play baby-games? How perfectly barbarous of you!

Miss Spelwane. The chairs are being arranged for something much more intellectual. We are going to get Mr. Spurrell to read a poem to us, if you want to know. I told you I should manage it.

Pilliner. There's only one drawback to that highly desirable arrangement. The songster has unostentatiously retired to roost. So I'm afraid you'll have to do without your poetry this evening – that is, unless you care to avail yourself again of my services?

Miss Spelwane (indignantly). It is too mean of you. You must have told him!

[He protests his innocence.

Lady Rhoda. Archie, what's become of Mr. Spurrell? I particularly want to ask him something.

Bearpark. The poet? He nipped upstairs – as I told you all along he meant to – to scribble some of his democratic drivel, and (with a suppressed grin) I don't think you'll see him again this evening.

Captain Thicknesse (to himself, as he enters). She's keepin' a chair next hers in the corner there for somebody. Can it be for that poet chap?.. (He meets Lady Maisie's eye suddenly.) Great Scott! If she means it for me!.. I've half a mind not to – No, I shall be a fool if I lose such a chance! (He crosses, and drops into the vacant chair next hers.) I may sit here, mayn't I?

Lady Maisie (simply). I meant you to. We used to be such good friends; it's a pity to have misunderstandings. And – and I want to ask you what that silly little Mrs. Chatteris has been telling you at dinner about me.

Captain Thicknesse. Well, she was sayin' – and I must say I don't understand it, after your tellin' me you knew nothing about this Mr. Spurrell till this afternoon —

Lady Maisie. But I don't. And I – I did offer to explain, but you said you weren't curious!

Captain Thicknesse. Didn't want you to tell me anything that perhaps you'd rather not, don't you know. Still, I should like to know how this poet chap came to write a poem all about you, and call it "Lady Grisoline," if he never —

Lady Maisie. But it's too ridiculous! How could he? When he never saw me, so far as I know, in all his life before!

Captain Thicknesse. He told Mrs. Chatteris you were the original of his "Lady Grisoline" anyway, and really —

Lady Maisie. He dared to tell her that? How disgracefully impertinent of him. (To herself.) So long as he hasn't talked about my letter, he may say what he pleases!

Captain Thicknesse. But what was it you were goin' to explain to me? You said there was somethin' —

Lady Maisie (to herself). It's no use; I'd sooner die than tell him about that letter now! (Aloud.) I – I only wished you to understand that, whatever I think about poetry – I detest poets!

Lady Cantire. Yes, as you say, Bishop, a truly Augustan mode of recreation. Still, Mr. Spurrell doesn't seem to have come in yet, so I shall have time to hear anything you have to say in defence of your opposition to Parish Councils.

[The Bishop resigns himself to the inevitable.

Archie (in Pilliner's ear). Ink and flour – couldn't possibly miss him; the bard's got a matted head this time, and no mistake.

Pilliner. Beastly bad form, I call it – with a fellow you don't know. You'll get yourself into trouble some day. And you couldn't even bring your own ridiculous booby-trap off, for here the beggar comes, as if nothing had happened.

Archie (disconcerted). Confound him! The best booby trap I ever made!

The Bishop. My dear Lady Cantire, here is our youthful poet, at the eleventh hour. (To himself.) "Sic me servavit Apollo!"

[Miss Spelwane advances to meet Spurrell, who stands surveying the array of chairs in blank bewilderment.

PART XVII

A BOMB SHELL

In a Gallery near the Verney Chamber. Time —Same as that of the preceding Part.

Spurrell (to himself). I must say it's rather rough luck on that poor devil. I get his dress suit, and all he comes in for is my booby-trap! (Phillipson, wearing a holland blouse over her evening toilette, approaches from the other end of the passage; he does not recognise her until the moment of collision.) Emma!! It's never you! How do you come to be here?

Phillipson (to herself). Then it was my Jem after all! (Aloud, distantly.) I'm here in attendance on Lady Maisie Mull, being her maid. If I was at all curious – which I'm not – I might ask you what you're doing in such a house as this; and in evening dress, if you please!

Spurrell. I'm in evening dress, Emma, such as it is (not that I've any right to find fault with it); but I'm in evening dress (with dignity) because I've been included in the dinner party here.

Phillipson. You must have been getting on since I knew you. Then you were studying to be a horse-doctor.

Spurrell. I have got on. I am now a qualified M.R.C.V.S.

Phillipson. And does that qualify you to dine with bishops and countesses and baronets and the gentry, like one of themselves?

Spurrell. I don't say it does, in itself. It was my Andromeda that did the trick, Emma.

Phillipson. Andromeda? They were talking of that downstairs. What made you take to scribbling, James?

Spurrell. Scribbling? how do you mean? My handwriting's easy enough to read, as you ought to know very well.

Phillipson. You can't expect me to remember what your writing's like; it's so long since I've seen it!

Spurrell. Come, I like that! When I wrote twice to say I was sorry we'd fallen out; and never got a word back!

Phillipson. If you'd written to the addresses I gave you abroad —

Spurrell. Then you did write; but none of the letters reached me. I never even knew you'd gone abroad. I wrote to the old place. And so did you, I suppose, not knowing I'd moved my lodgings too, so naturally – But what does it all matter, so long as we've met and it's all right between us? Oh, my dear girl, if you only knew how I worried myself, thinking you were – Well, all that's over now, isn't it?

[He attempts to embrace her.

Phillipson (repulsing him). Not quite so fast, James. Before I say whether we're to be as we were or not, I want to know a little more about you. You wouldn't be here like this if you hadn't done something to distinguish yourself.

Spurrell. Well, I don't say I mayn't have got a certain amount of what they call "kudosh," owing to Andromeda. But what difference does that make?

Phillipson. Tell me, James, is it you that's been writing a pink book all over silver cutlets?

Spurrell. Me? Write a book – about cutlets – or anything else! Emma, you don't suppose I've quite come down to that! Andromeda's the name of my bull-dog. I took first prize with her; there were portraits of both of us in one of the papers. And the people here were very much taken with the dog, and – and so they asked me to dine with them. That's how it was.

Phillipson. I should have thought, if they asked one of you to dine, it ought to have been the bull-dog.

Spurrell. Now what's the good of saying extravagant things of that sort? Not that old Drummy couldn't be trusted to behave anywhere!

Phillipson. Better than her master, I dare say. I heard of your goings on with some Lady Rhoda or other!

Spurrell. Oh, the girl I sat next to at dinner? Nice chatty sort of girl; seems fond of quadrupeds —

Phillipson. Especially two-legged ones! You see, I've been told all about it!

Spurrell. I assure you, I didn't go a step beyond the most ordinary civility. You're not going to be jealous because I promised I'd give her a liniment for one of her dogs, are you?

Phillipson. Liniment! You always were a flirt, James! But I'm not jealous. I've met a very nice-spoken young man while I've been here; he sat next to me at supper, and paid me the most beautiful compliments, and was most polite and attentive – though he hasn't got as far as liniment, at present.

Spurrell. But, Emma, you're not going to take up with some other fellow just when we've come together again?

Phillipson. If you call it "coming together," when I'm down in the housekeeper's room, and you're up above, carrying on with ladies of title!

Spurrell. Do you want to drive me frantic? As if I could help being where I am! How could I know you were here?

Phillipson. At all events, you know now, James. And it's for you to choose between your smart lady friends and me. If you're fit company for them, you're too grand for one of their maids.

Spurrell. My dear girl, don't be unreasonable! I'm expected back in the drawing-room, and I can't throw 'em over now all of a sudden without giving offence. There's the interests of the firm to consider, and it's not for me to take a lower place than I'm given. But it's only for a night or two, and you don't really suppose I wouldn't rather be where you are if I was free to choose – but I'm not, Emma, that's the worst of it!

Phillipson. Well, go back to the drawing-room, then; don't keep Lady Rhoda waiting for her liniment on my account. I ought to be in my ladies' rooms by this time. Only don't be surprised if, whenever you are free to choose, you find you've come back just too late – that's all!

[She turns to leave him.

Spurrell (detaining her). Emma, I won't let you go like this! Not before you've told me where I can meet you again here.

Phillipson. There's no place that I know of – except the housekeeper's room; and of course you couldn't descend so low as that… James, there's somebody coming! Let go my hand – do you want to lose me my character!

[Steps and voices are heard at the other end of the passage; she frees herself, and escapes.

Spurrell (attempting to follow). But, Emma, stop one – She's gone!.. Confound it, there's the butler and a page-boy coming! It's no use staying up here any longer. (To himself, as he goes downstairs.) It's downright torture– that's what it is! To be tied by the leg in the drawing-room, doing the civil to a lot of girls I don't care a blow about; and to know that all the time some blarneying beggar downstairs is doing his best to rob me of my Emma! Flesh and blood can't stand it; and yet I'm blest if I see any way out of it without offending 'em all round.