The Revolt: A Play In One Act

SUSAN. Sewing! Scrubbing! Have you women never wished to do the work of men?

KATE. Yes, I have. I always wanted to be a doctor, but my father wouldn't hear of it.

GRACE. What kind of a doctor, Kate?

KATE. Oh, a handsome doctor with curly gray hair. And you, Grace?

GRACE. Oh, I want to be a lawyer, a plump, jolly lawyer. And you, Edith?

EDITH. I want to be an editor.

GRACE. Republican or Democrat?

EDITH. I don't know. The kind with a big automobile. And you, Ida?

IDA. I want to be a politician.

Mat. An honest one, of course.

IDA. Well, no. A successful politician. And you, May?

Mat. I want to run a vegetable market, where the women can come with their market baskets.

SUSAN. Where the men can come with their market baskets, (to PAULINE) And you, you poor creature, have you never felt the longing to usurp man's sphere? Have you never longed to do a man's work?

PAULINE. Oh, yes, mam. This humble heart (tapping her waist) has felt the what-you-call it many a time. I have always wished, mam, to be a pirate.

All. A pirate!

PAULINE. A pirate. And why not? That's men's work. Listen: —

     Since my mother's lap I played in     When I was a wee small maiden —

SUSAN. Just so high!

All. Just so high!

PAULINE.

     I have had a great ambition     For to better my condition —

SUSAN. So have I.

All. So have I.

PAULINE.

     Dolls was things I much detested     Toys left me uninterested.     Even as a little baby     I had hopes that sometime, maybe     I could be a roaring pirate,     Be a swearing, tearing pirate,     Be a shocking, wicked pirate,     With a cruel, cruel eye,

SUSAN. I call that a very noble and uplifting ambition for a modern young lady.

PAULINE.

Listen: —

     I have dreamed of death and slaughter     On the wild tumultuous water

SUSAN. Oh, how dear!

ALL. Oh, how dear!

PAULINE.

     I have longed to wear a dagger     And cut throats, and swear, and swagger.

SUSAN, Hear! Hear!

All. Hear! Hear!

PAULINE.

     All around me, dead and dying,     I would see my victims lying;     And I'd laugh out loud and louder     As I smelled the blood and powder,     For I'd be a roaring pirate,     Be a swearing, tearing pirate,     Bloody-bones, the heartless pirate,     With a cruel, cruel eye.

SUSAN. I consider Bloody-bones a very sweet name for a young lady pirate. Very!

PAULINE. Yes, mam. (curtseys) So, if it's all the same to you, I'd like to be a pirate, mam, SUSAN. Certainly. A pirate's life is a very mannish occupation.

KATE. Wouldn't it be lovely to be a pirate! It is much more interesting than being a doctor.

PAULINE. Yes, Miss Kate. And there's no scrubbin' on a pirate craft. The wash of the sea is merely a poetical term. And if the men is drove off the land, they'll take to ships, do you see, and there'll be plenty of work for a respectable, blood-thirsty lady pirate to do, catchin' 'em and extinguishing 'em.

GRACE. Oh, girls, wouldn't it be lovely to be pirates?

SUSAN. Then be pirates! The Militant Suffragettes need a navy as well as an army. Every revolution needs its privateers.

KATE. No more sewing! (gathers up sewing and throws it down)

PAULINE. No more scrubbin'. (throws away mop and brush)

GRACE. No more rag bags! (takes rag bag from chair, and is about to throw it, when red rags fall out)

PAULINE. Hold on, Miss GRACE! Pirates is mostly dressed out of rag bags, (winds red rag around GRACE's head, and a red rag as sash. All do likewise) Wait till I get the swords, (exit PAULINE)

KATE, (front, with clenched fists) OO – I feel blood-thirsty!

SUSAN. And you look extremely blood-thirsty.

GRACE, OO – I feel ferocious!

SUSAN. And you look too ferocious for anything.

EDITH. OO – I feel wicked!

SUSAN. You are certainly a fear-compelling sight.

IDA. OO – I feel murderous!

SUSAN. You look like a most criminal character.

Mat. OO – I feel dangerous!

SUSAN. You look extremely dangerous.

PAULINE. (entering with table knives, etc.) OO – I feel like if I seen a cake of soap I could kick it! (she distributes knives)

SUSAN. Reserve your wrath for the men. (drawing them all to her) Hist! To-night – at dead of night – we will capture – a lumber schooner – at Copp's lumber yard —

All. Aye! Aye! Mam!

SUSAN. To-night – at dead of night – meet me – at the corner of – Main and Broadway!

All. Aye! Aye! Mam!

SUSAN. To-night – at dead of night – we will strangle the watchmen —

KATE. At dead of night? I don't think we ought to strangle watchmen at dead of night unless we have a chaperone, do you girls?

SUSAN. Nonsense! What kind of Suffragettes are you to need a chaperone? I don't have a chaperone.

GRACE. Well, I don't care! I'm not going out strangling at night without a chaperone! It isn't proper.

SUSAN. But you are a pirate.

EDITH. I don't care if we are pirates. We don't have to be improper pirates. I want to strangle and murder in a perfectly proper manner.

PAULINE. How about takin' the old lady with you?

KATE. Grandma Gregg? Why, she's no Suffragette. Oh, girls! The very thing! We will take Grandma Gregg! We'll capture her! We'll take her, in chains!

SUSAN. Excellent! You will have your chaperone, and I will be rid of the most dangerous Anti-suffra-gette! Seek her and seize her!

All. We go! We go! (exit all, left, except PAULINE) (enter GRANDMA GREGG, right)

GRANDMA. I thought I heard a noise, Pauline. How are the dear girls getting on with their lessons?

PAULINE, (curtseys) Fine, mam. They're learning new tricks every day.

GRANDMA. (picking up dummy and laying it over chair back) Very good. But I wouldn't wear a bandeau on my hair if I were you, Pauline. I don't like these ribbons bound around the head of young girls. They make them look like pirates. (PAULINE starts uneasily)

PAULINE. Pirates, mam? What a notion!

GRANDMA. Pirates, or Italian ditch diggers.

PAULINE, (boldly) Well, mam, let it be pirates, then. Pirate is what I am. (hesitates) Grandma Gregg, you've always been good to me, barring the scrubbing and mopping and blacking shoes and stoves. If I was you, mam, I'd pack some clothes, so as to be ready for the sea voyage.

GRANDMA. Me? A sea voyage?

PAULINE. Yes'm. (curtseys) This Susan Jane Jones is not what she seems, mam. I let on, mam, I was of her way of thinking, mam, but I ain't. A husband is good enough woman's rights for me, mam. A nice, quiet, well-behaved husband like that one there is all I want.

GRANDMA. I don't understand you.

PAULINE. Susan Jane Jones is a Militant Suffragette, mam.

GRANDMA. A Militant Suffragette? In this academy?

PAULINE. Yes, mam. (curtseys) She's here like a snake in the grass, mam, and her and the young ladies is goin' to extinguish all the men. They're all goin' to be pirates, mam, and most bloody minded pirates they be, too. And you, mam, that never did them any harm, they are going to capture and take along with them in chains. For a chaperone, mam.

GRANDMA, (hanging her head) And is this the reward for my efforts to make good wives of them!

(Enter SUSAN cautiously. She beckons to the girls.)

SUSAN. This way! She's here!

(The girls creep in, knives in their teeth, swaggering like story-book pirates. SUSAN folds her arms.)

SUSAN. Woman! Your hour has come!

GRANDMA. Well, I do declare!

SUSAN. These poor maidens you thought to corrupt into housework ways, I have won from you. Here, to-day, the revolution that will sweep the men from the land and sea, begins! We are resolved! ALL. (shouting) We are resolved!

SUSAN. In these hearts burns nothing but hatred and detestation of man.

ALL. (shouting) Hatred and detestation.

KATE. We don't want to have anything more to do with men.

GRACE. We are absolutely through with them. And with boys, too.

GRANDMA. Now, my dears —

SUSAN. Enough! Pirates, do your duty! Seize that man! (two girls seize and bind the dummy)

SUSAN. Ha! Ha! Now seize and bind and gag that woman, (points to GRANDMA. The girls rush at GRANDMA, who skips backward)

SUSAN, (front, rubbing her hands with joy) pirates! My faithful band of man-haters, (to audience) You men, your turn is next!

A BOY'S VOICE. (off stage) OO-oo!

(KATE, who it about to bind GRANDMA, stops and listens.)

KATE That's John!

SECOND BOY'S VOICE. (off stage) Oo-oo! Oo-oo!)

GRACE. (listening) That's – that's Arthur!

SEVERAL BOY'S VOICES. Oo-oo! Oo-Oo! Oo-oo!

EDITH, IDA and Mat. That's Sam! That's George! That's Henry! (all crowd to door and look out)

KATE. (eagerly) Oh, girls! It's the boys, they want us to come out! Where's my hat?

(All rush in a crowd to sofa and begin digging wildly into wraps and hats, putting them on as hastily as possible)

SUSAN. Girls! Pirates! Stop! The revolution! Remember your cause!

KATE. (pinning on her hat) Revolution! I haven't time for revolutions, don't you hear the boys calling us?

SUSAN. Stop! Are you not women?

GRACE. (as all come forward) Women? Pirates? Why no, we are just the I. I. Club. Just girls. Just sweet girls!

VOICES, (off stage) Oo-oo!

GIRLS. Oo-oo! Oo-oo! Oo-oo! (they rush out)

(SUSAN slowly picks up umbrella and hand bag, and moves to door. GRANDMA takes up her knitting. PAULINE picks up her mop, and looks lovingly at dummy.)

PAULINE. I'm ashamed of you, sir. Why didn't you-oo at me when all them boys was oo-ooing? you had oo-ooed at me I would have oo-ooed back.

GRANDMA. (with interest) Did he speak to you, Pauline?

PAULINE. No, mam. He's an Ideal Husband, and Ideal Husbands don't talk back, mam.

(CURTAIN)