The Eternal Feminine

“I’ll bet it was dear if it was in that shop!”

“Well, but it had been reduced; marked down to $27.99. Such a bargain! Uncle, you know my birthday comes next week – ”

“Well, which do you want, the hat or the sofa-pillow you hinted for a while ago?”

“Oh, Uncle, how lovely of you! But it’s hard to choose between them. Suppose I had them both sent home on approval – and then I can see – ”

“Yes, I know what that means!”

“Oh, here comes the maid, with your beef tea. No, Jane, let me take it; I’ll give it to him. You may go, Jane. I’ll just taste this, Uncle, to be sure it isn’t too hot for you. Oh, how good it is! I’ve often thought I’d like to be an invalid just on account of the lovely things they get to eat. Why, this beef tea is delicious! And such a pretty cup and saucer. Do you know, Ethel Wylie has a whole set like this. ‘Coalport,’ isn’t it? Say, Uncle, what do you think about the coal strike? Do tell me all about it – I’m shockingly ignorant of politics. Do they call it a strike because the men get mad and strike each other? Or what?”

“Lilly, if you don’t want all that beef tea, I believe I could relish a little.”

“Oh, Uncle, how thoughtless of me! I’ve sipped nearly all of it! I suppose I sort of thought I was at a tea. But I think there’s as much as you ought to take. Dear Uncle, it’s so nice to see you eat something nourishing. I’m sure it will do you good. It must be awful to have the grippe. And you have headache, haven’t you? Now, don’t say no – I can see it in your poor, dear eyes. I’m going to tie this wet bandage round your forehead – so – oh, no, it isn’t dripping down your neck – it can’t be. Well, it will soon stop. Now I’ll rub this menthol on the bridge of your nose – now, now, Uncle, don’t scowl like that. If you won’t try mental science we must use remedies.”

“Lilly, if you don’t let me alone I’ll throw this cup and saucer at you!”

“Oh, Uncle, dear, don’t be so peevish! There, now, I’ll pat your poor foot and sing to you.”

“Ooch! Oh, the devil! Lilly, get out! There!!”

“Oh, Uncle, you’ve smashed that lovely ‘Coalport!’ Did those gentle little pats hurt your foot? I don’t believe it! I declare a man is worse to take care of than a baby! Thank goodness, here comes Aunt Hetty!”

IN THE DEPARTMENT STORE

I have some material here I wish to exchange – I say I have – Will you kindly wait on me? – Busy? – I have some – Now, I must be waited on; I’m in a great hurry! Oh, very well. I have some material here I wish to exchange. It’s marquisette, but it isn’t the right shade. Not marquisette? – Chiffon marquisine? Well, I don’t care if it’s linsey-woolsey! I want to exchange it, or rather, return it. No, I don’t have a charge account; I want the money back. Please give it to me quickly. I’m going to a matinée – What! You can’t take it back here? I must go to the desk? Why, I bought it here, right at this counter, of that thin girl with the hectic flush. She doesn’t look well, does she? She ought to go to some good sanatorium. Well, you see this chiffon, or whatever it is, is the wrong shade. I asked for elephant’s breath, and this is more on the shade of frightened mouse. It doesn’t match my satin at all. – Oh, dear, how unaccommodating you are! Well, where is the desk? Ask the floor-walker? Oh, very well! – Please direct me to the desk. What desk? I don’t know, I’m sure! Any desk will suit me. I want to return some goods that doesn’t match my own material, and you know, this season, if – Near the rear door? – Of course they’d put it as far away as possible!

Is this the exchange desk? Well, I want to return this piece of goods – Oh, no! It isn’t soiled! That’s the original color. Frightened mice often look soiled when they’re not at all! Yes, that is the name! No, it isn’t taupe, nor mode, nor steel common, it’s just frightened mouse. I can carry colors in my eye just like an artist. Now it doesn’t matter what color it is, anyway, for it’s the wrong color! – Cut off the piece? Of course it’s cut off the piece! There’s two yards and a half of it – Remnant? No, it was not! I don’t buy leftovers! – Then you can’t change it? Well, come to think, maybe it was a remnant! Yes, I believe it was! I don’t often get them, but this just matched my satin, – I mean it didn’t match my satin, and that’s why I bought it. No, I mean – well, anyway, I want to return it. – Had it a long time? Well, I couldn’t help that! The dressmaker disappointed me, – that is, I had to go to some bridge parties and things unexpectedly, so I had to put her off. But the minute she pinned it on the pattern I saw it was the wrong shade. Pinholes in it? Nonsense! They don’t show. Of course we had to pin it. Seems to me you’re making a lot of fuss about a simple exchange – I mean a return. I’d like the money back at once. A credit check? No, I want the money; I haven’t any with me, because I depended on getting this. What! You don’t give back the money? Why, it says in your advertisements, “Satisfaction given or money refunded.” Some other shop? Well, I’m sure I thought it was this shop that did that or I’d never have bought the stuff here! Rules? Regulations? Oh, dear! Well, then, take it and give me a credit check. Yes, I’ll sign my name! Dear me, what a lot of red tape! I suppose you have to go through all this to keep from being swindled – Yes, that’s my name and address.

Now, can I get anything in the store for this check? Why, that’s rather fun! Seems as if you were giving it to me for nothing! Oh, how pretty that chiffon looks as you hold it up to the light! Do you know, it doesn’t match my satin, but it would go beautifully with my voile gown, and I want that made over. I do believe I’d better keep it. It was a good bargain, I remember. I wonder if it would match it. I’m sure it would, – I carry colors in my eye so well, – and it’s a lovely quality. I think, if you please, I’ll take it back. What, sign my name again? Well, there, I’ve signed off again. My! it’s like going to law or a divorce court, – not that I’ve ever done either, and, after this experience, I hope I never shall! But just hold that stuff up again. Oh, now that they’ve turned on the electrics, it’s a totally different shade! Oh, I don’t want it now at all! Can’t you turn off the lights again? I’d no idea it was getting so late! – Oh, well, if you’re going to be disagreeable, I’ll take it, then. The value is nothing at all to me! My husband is a prosperous broker. Yes, I’ll take it. Please send it home for me, and if I don’t like it when I get it, I’ll send it back.

THE HOUSEWIFE’S HELPER

“Oh, – how do you do? Are you Miss Allfriend? – the Housewife’s Helper? You must excuse me, but I never saw a Visiting Housekeeper before, and I’d no idea they looked so, – so correct! Well, since you’re here, please begin to housekeep at once. I’m in such a flurry. You see, I’m standardizing my housework, and it makes so much confusion. You understand – don’t you, – all about Lost Motion and Increased Efficiency? I’m a perfect crank on those two things. They mean so much to us enlightened women. Am I a suffragette? Oh, mercy, no! I’m happily married. But I believe in Ethics and Standardization and all those modern conveniences.

“Now, Miss Allfriend, if you’ll please set the dinner table. I’m having a little dinner to-night for Senator Caldwell and his wife. They’re terribly swagger, and, of course, I don’t want to put on any airs, but I do want things to be nice. So, you set the table – Where are the things? Why, hunt them up from the cupboards and buffets? If I get the things out, I may as well do the work myself! I thought you were to help! Here’s the center-piece I want used. Oh, – it is creased, isn’t it? Well, just press it off. Do it carefully, – there’s so much in pressing. Well, yes, – it is a little spotted. I guess you’ll have to wash it. Use only a pure white soap, – and don’t let the colors run.

“And you’d better dust the dishes. Some of them haven’t been used lately. Of course you know how to set a table? If you’re uncertain look in the ‘Perfect Lady’s Home Guide.’ It’s in that drawer, I think, – or, no, – perhaps it’s upstairs, – or maybe I loaned it to Miss Jennings, – she’s going to be married next week, and she has the loveliest —

“Oh, Miss Allfriend, don’t begin on the table, now. It’s only three o’clock, and Mrs. Ritchie’s children are coming to spend the afternoon with Gladys Gwendolyn. I wish you’d fix up a sort of little party for them. The Ritchies are new people, and I want the children to have a good time here. Can’t you telephone to the caterer for some ices and cakes? Nothing elaborate, – I think children’s parties ought to be kept simple. Who is our caterer? Why, – well, – the truth is, we haven’t one just now, – for I scolded Lafetti so that I don’t like to call him again. You see he was rude because we hadn’t paid – well, – anyway, he was impertinent, – so – don’t you know of some nice caterer to telephone to? Order only simple things, – say a Jack Horner pie, with pretty little gifts in it, – and ices in novel shapes, – and plenty of bon-bons, – children love candy so.

“But before you do that, please just finish off Gladys Gwendolyn’s little frock. It’s nearly done, but the seamstress had to leave it to finish my dinner gown, so you just look after baby’s dress. It only needs one sleeve set, – and make it a bit larger round the belt, – it’s too tight for her, – I don’t believe in cramping the little growing bodies.

“I’m awfully careful with Gladys Gwendolyn. I boil her toys and I bake her books every day. And won’t you see, – since you’re here, – that she uses her germicide spray on the even hours, and her antiseptic douche every other half hour? It is a help to have you here, I’m sure. And I wish you would entertain the kiddies. Not professionally, – you know, – just tell them stories and make up games for them. Oh, and be sure to arrange prizes, – children just love prizes. Are you knacky about such things? Some people are, – and others are so different!

“Can you play Bridge? I’ve just two tables running over for a rubber at four, and I’m most sure one lady won’t come! And you look so, – so, – presentable, I’d be glad if you’d take a hand, if necessary, – and I’m pretty certain it will be.

“Now I must fly and take my nap. Then I have to go for my short walk. I have to exercise, or I gain at once. Now please attend to the things I’ve asked of you. If you standardize, you can easily have time for all. And in your spare moments, here’s a piece of my cross-stitch embroidery, – you may as well do a little. Be sure to cross the stitches the way I do.

“And please answer the telephone when it rings; – oh, say anything you like. You must have wit enough to know what to say! If you’re qualified for a Visiting Helper, you ought to know such things!

“And be very careful what you say before Gladys Gwendolyn. I’m bringing her up in an ethically artistic atmosphere. I want her to come in contact only with what is true and beautiful. And unless I’m ethically pure myself, how can I expect her to be? So bear that in mind, Miss Allfriend.

“Oh, and by the way, our telephone is on a party wire. If you overhear any interesting gossip, be sure to remember it, and tell me!”

MRS. LESTER’S HOBBLETTE

“Yes, I went to New York yesterday, and, if you’ll believe me, my dear, I never had such a day in all my life! You see, I thought I’d shop a little in the morning, and then meet John for luncheon, and go to the matinée afterward. Well, we did all that, but such a time as I had doing it!

“I didn’t go in town with John. He goes on that eight-thirty-nine – all our best commuters do; but it’s too early for me to get off. He said we’d lunch at a swell hotel – John’s a perfect dear about such things, if we have been married nearly two years. So, of course, I wanted to look my bestest, and I put on my new blue gown. I’d never had it on before, and – Yes, it is a hobble skirt; but I begged Miss Threadley not to make it extreme. I do hate extreme fashions. So she said she’d make a modified hobble, a hobblette, she calls it – and she assured me it would be all right. It’s a perfect beauty, my dear; but, good land! It’s exactly the shape of a bolster slip, and round the knees it’s fitted tightly and boned.

“Well, anyway, I got into the thing and started for the ten-forty-eight train. As I started to walk away I fell over at the very first step! Luckily I fell into a chair; but I bruised my knee and ankle dreadfully. Jane brought hot water and witch hazel and fixed me up, and I started again, for I didn’t want to lose that train. How I got downstairs I don’t know. It was a series of jumps and jounces. But, after this, I shall slide down on a tea tray, as I used to do when I was a child.

“Of course I knew it was only a matter of learning to walk in the thing, and I was bound to learn. I went along the street pretty well as long as I remembered to take little, tiny steps, but as I reached Maple Avenue I heard the train coming. You know there’s a good two blocks to go after that, so I ran! My dear, if you could have seen me! Talk about contortionists! Of course my running was just a sort of jiggety-jig trotting, but I had to keep going to preserve my equilibrium. I reached the train just as it was ready to move out of the station. I tried to step on, but you know how high the lowest step is. I simply couldn’t reach it. I tried first one foot and then the other, and neither would come anywhere near that step without tearing my skirt. And it wouldn’t tear! If it would, I should have let it go, for I was filled with mortification. At last the conductor and the brakeman took me by my elbows and swung me up or I never should have got aboard at all.

“Then in New York it was dreadful. You know how I cross the street? I simply have to do it my own way, for it makes me nervous to depend on those policemen. I always cross in the middle of a block to escape them. I just watch for a good chance, you know, and then I run across fast, and I always manage all right. But, yesterday, I tried to run, and that awful skirt held me back, and when I was about half way across I stumbled in it, and the trolley cars and motors just clambered all around me! How I got over alive I don’t know. I shouldn’t have, only two nice men and a boy seemed to spring up from somewhere to help me. Well, then I went on, and I suddenly discovered the lovely satin hem was getting awfully soiled. So I tried to hold it up, but – My dear, have you ever tried to hold up a hobblette? Well, don’t!

“It’s much more unmanageable than a sheath! I wanted to turn it up, like a man does his trousers legs, but I felt I was attracting enough attention as it was. Then, my dear, it was time to go to meet John, and I tried to get on a street car. Well, the board of aldermen, or whatever they are, will have to have those car steps made lower! I had my pay-as-you-go nickel all ready, but I just couldn’t get up to the place where you go. And the wretched conductor wouldn’t help me a bit! He just grinned, as if it were an old story to him. I tried three or four cars, but they all had high steps and unhelpful conductors; so I took a taxicab.

“They do have sense enough to build the steps of the taxicabs fairly low, so I got in all right and went straight to the hotel. Well, I had been shopping, you know, and I had spent much more than I thought I had – I always do, don’t you? – and, if you please, I didn’t have money enough in my purse to pay that cabman! But that isn’t the worst of it! I did have more money with me, but it was in my stocking. I always carry some extra bills there, and I’m rather an adept at getting it out, if need be, without anyone knowing what I’m doing. But that skirt wouldn’t budge! I stepped back into the cab and shut the door, but I simply couldn’t raise that hobblette enough to get my money. What could I do? Well, as good luck would have it, John came along just then, and I opened the cab door as if I had just arrived. John paid the bill.

“We had a lovely luncheon – John is a dear man to go about with – and then we went to a matinée. But, O, my dear, if my knees didn’t get cramped! Both feet went to sleep, but they wanted to walk in their sleep, and they couldn’t. Well, when we did come out I could scarcely stand, let alone walk! And John hurried me to the station. And when we reached the boat it was just beginning to move from the dock.

“‘Jump!’ said John. ‘It’s perfectly safe. I’ve got hold of you. We’ll jump together now.’

“‘I won’t!’ said I firmly, and I didn’t. Why, my dear, if I had we’d have both gone into the water.

“So we waited for the next boat, but John didn’t know why, and never will!”

AT THE COOKING CLASS

“Oh, am I late? I’m so sorry! My dear Miss Cooke, have I kept your class waiting? Now don’t look at me like that! Cheery and blithe, please. And Milly, – just wait a minute till I fold up this veil; they get so rubbishy if you don’t, – truly, I started early enough, but, you see, I met Roddy Dow, and – we took a walk around the block, – it’s such a sunny, shiny, country kind of a day, we just had to. Of course, I told him I was in a hurry to get to class, and I babbled on about all the whipped angel food and eggless omelets we’re going to learn to make, and he said, – girls, what do you think he said? He said I was fluffy-minded! Me! the greatest living example of a young woman with earnest aims and high ideals! Well, – so I said – yes, yes, Miss Cooke, I am folding it up as fast as I can, – I’ll be ready in a minute, – don’t make that foolish noise, pretty lady. Shall I sit here by Flossy Fay? Oh, what winsome looking creatures! Live crabs? Are they? And we’re to learn to make “Crab Flakes à la Pittsburg?” Oh, how perfectly gorgeous! Do you know, Flossy, I met that Pittsburg man last night, – that Mr. Van Roxie. Yes, the one with one lung and thirty millions. He’s too ducky for words! He didn’t approve of me at first, – I sat next to him at dinner, you know, – because I asked him whether he’d rather talk politics or have a lover’s quarrel. He looked at me sort of gimletty, – if you know what I mean, – and he said I was a Pink and White Mistake! Me! the Only Original Magazine-Cover Girl! Well – so I said, – yes, Miss Cooke, I’m listening. Certainly I know what you said; you said, – well, you said something about eggs. No, I don’t recall exactly what, – to me, there’s always an air of mystery about eggs, anyway. And, besides, most all the recipes are eggless, nowadays, – it’s the latest fad. Oh, cream the yolks? Now, isn’t that funny? My new mauve messaline has a cream yoke, – that heavy lace, you know, – I think they call it, – My heavens and earth! Miss Cooke! One of the crabs is loose! Oh, girls, get up on your chairs! That’s right, Flossy, – climb up on this table, by me!

“O-o-ooh! Police! Turn in an alarm, somebody! Miss Cooke! Don’t try to pick him up! He’ll attack you, – and rend you limb from limb!

“Don’t you step on him! I’m a termagant S. P. C. A. and I won’t see a poor dumb crab cruelly treated in my presence! There! He’s run under that cupboardy thing! You’ll have to poke him out again!

“Oh, Flossy, don’t jump about so! This table will break down; it feels wriggly now.

“Please, Miss Cooke, don’t scold me! I can’t help feeling nervous when that terrifying monster is walking abroad. Well, I will keep still, but maybe I won’t resign from this Cooking Class, if we have to have such frisky viands!

“And, Miss Cooke, I hate to seem intrusive, – but there’s another crab flew the coop, – and he’s grabbing your apron string, – it’s untied.

“Oh, I thought that would make you jump ‘Calm yourself,’ – as you said to me; ‘he won’t hurt you, if you pick him up properly,’ – you said.

“Oo-oo-ee-ee! They’re all out! The whole dozen! Oh, Miss Cooke, scramble up here, for your life!

“Cissy Gay, if you get up here, too, this table will break down! Get on the big table; never mind the eggs. Will you look at those awful beasts! They’re all over the floor. Oh, I’m so frightened! I wish Roddy Dow had come in with me! I wish Mr. Willing was here. I even wish I had that Pittsburg man to take care of me! Let’s all scream, and maybe the Janitor will come. Oh, there you are! Please, Janitor, brush up these crabs somebody spilled, won’t you?

“Well! I never saw a man afraid, before! Get down off that chair, Dolan! What do you mean? I’ll report you to the owner of this building! No, they won’t hurt you! You just pick ’em up by one hind leg, and they can’t bite. I’d do it myself, – only I’ve just been manicured.

“Talk about new-fangled housekeeping devices, – what is most needed is a crab pick-upper. That would fill a longer felt want than all their fireless napkins and paper cookers.

“You know, they cook now in paper bags. No, I don’t know much about it, but I’m going to learn. They say it’s a great time-saver. I suppose they just take the paper bags of rice or beans or anything, as they come from the grocer’s, and put them on to boil. I expect they take the strings off before they send the bags to the table. It’s largely theoretical, of course. All these new movements are.

“But I’m for ’em! This cooking class, now; I only wish I could have brought Mr. Dow.

“Sitting this way, cross-legged on a kitchen table, with a frilly, bibby apron on, I know I look exactly like a Gibsty picture. And it’s all wasted on you girls!

“Crabs all corralled? Thank you, Dolan. Now, Miss Cooke, shall we go on with the lesson?

“Oh, you’re sorry, but the time is all used up!

“Well, never mind, Cooksy-Wooksy. I think they must have been suffragette crabs, – they agitated so terribly.

“And I don’t mind missing this lesson, – I’ve had enough deviled crabs for one day!”

ÆSOP UP TO DATE THE MILKMAID AND HER PAIL OF MILK

A milkmaid having been a Good Girl for a long Time, and Careful in her Work, her mistress gave her a Pail of New Milk all for herself.

With the Pail on her Head she tripped Gayly away to the Market, saying to Herself:

“How Happy I am! For this Milk I shall get a Shilling; and with that Shilling I shall buy Twenty of the Eggs Laid by our Neighbor’s fine Fowls. These Eggs I shall put under Mistress’s old Hen, and even if only Half of the Chicks grow up and Thrive before next Fair time comes Round, I shall be able to Sell them for a Good Guinea. Then I shall Buy me a Monte Carlo Coat and an Ermine Stole, and I will Look so Bewitching that Robin will Come Up and Offer to be Friends again. But I won’t make up Too Easily; when he Brings me Violets, I shall Toss My Head So-and – ”

Here the Milkmaid gave her Head the Toss she was thinking about, and the Pail of Milk was Dislodged from its resting-Place on her Head.

But, being a Member of a Ladies’ Physical Culture Club, she Deftly Caught the Pail and Replaced It.

All Turned Out as she had planned, and when Robin married her he gave her an Electric Automobile.

Moral:

Don’t Discount Your Chickens Before they are Hatched.