Swatty: A Story of Real Boys

“Maybe he won’t come home to get the cows.”

“What do you mean?” asked Mrs. Schwartz. “Maybe he’s drowned,” said Bony. “Maybe him and Georgie went down to the river and – and – ”

So then he began to cry, and the first thing anybody knew he had me and Swatty drowned and our bodies floating down to St. Louis or New Orleans, and Mrs. Schwartz wringing her hands and hollering for Herb. So Herb come out on the porch, and Bony told him me and Swatty had floated away on a bridge timber and got drowned, and Herb got Mr. Schwartz out of the house, and then he come over to my house to tell my father, and my father and mother and Fan and all the Schwartzes and a lot of neighbors all went running down to the levee, and took the Bony Highlander with them to show them where we had got drowned from. So that was why Bony didn’t go home, and why he got licked when he did get home.

By that time it wasn’t dark but it was getting dark. Me and Swatty just hung onto our trees, and that was all we could do; but all our folks and most everybody in town got down to the levee, because Tim Mulligan at the waterworks pump-house blew the alarm whistle. The firemen all came, too, with their hose carts and ladder trucks, but most of the folks just went around saying it was too bad, but that it was hopeless. Even the mayor said it was hopeless. You see, nobody knew we were on Tow Head. They thought we were drowned in the river, like Bony said. So there wasn’t anything to do, because it was too hopeless to do anything. The only thing to do was to wait until the river fell, in a couple of weeks or so, and then maybe they’d find what was left of me and Swatty down-river, where we’d be washed up, if we ever was.

Well, that was what everybody thought. My mother cried, and Mrs. Schwartz cried, and I guess most of the women cried, and the men looked mighty sober, and said what a pity it was so hopeless; but what could they do? Everybody was sober or crying, I guess, except Fan, and I guess she’d been so mad at Herb she just couldn’t be anything but mad. She was so full of mad that it had to come out, so while everybody was crying and all she just flew up in the air and went over and gave Herb a good raking.

“Well!” she says. “And you call yourself a man! Do you mean to stand around here like a bump on a log and do nothing?” she says. “I’m glad I found out in time what a helpless ninny you are,” or something like that. She gave it to him good, I tell you! “This trash,” she says – meaning the mayor and the firemen and the city council and everybody – “I don’t expect anything else from, but I once thought you had some gump.” Or something like that. So Herb got red.

“Very well,” he says, like a man ready to jump off the high school roof, “if you say so, I’ll take a skiff and go out upon the river. You can’t call me a ‘fraid-cat, Fan. You’ll never call me that.” Or something like that, he said.

“Skiff indeed!” says Fan. “You’d have a nice picnic with a skiff, wouldn’t you? Have some sense, Herbert Schwartz. What good is that ferryboat doing, tied up here?”

Well, that was what they done. At first Captain Hewitt didn’t want to take the ferryboat out. He said it was hopeless, and that she was an old rotten hull, and that a log would go through her like a needle, and she’d sink, and she couldn’t make headway up-stream against such a flood, and a lot more, but with all the folks in town there he couldn’t keep that up long; so he went aboard and fired up, and sent up-town for Jerry Mason, who was the regular fireman. By that time it was dark enough for anybody, so Mr. Higgins, the steamboat agent, went and got the two flambeaux he uses when steamboats unload at night, and everybody that had a porch lantern with a reflector got that, and they put them all on the ferryboat. Flambeaux are big iron baskets on iron poles, and the poles are pointed at the bottom so they can be jabbed into the ground or a floor or anything. You fill the baskets with tar and wood and light them. So when that was all ready most of the firemen got aboard with their hooks, off the hook and ladder trucks, and a lot of other men got aboard with pike poles and grapple hooks, and Herb went up in the pilot house with Captain Hewitt, and they set out to find our bodies.

But me and Swatty wasn’t bodies yet, we was still folks. We were feeling a little bit better, too, because Swatty found out that the tree he was in was a slippery elm tree, and he peeled off some slippery elm bark and chewed it, and he tossed some over to me, and I chewed that. So we wondered how long a fellow could live on slippery elm bark, and if Swatty would have the tree peeled clean before the river went down. If he did we’d starve to death; but Swatty said that, as the water went down, more and more of the tree trunk would be above water and we could peel it and eat it. So we both felt better, only there was a dead something had caught in the tree branches and when the wind changed it didn’t smell very good. It smelled worse than that, even. So about then we began to see the lights come out on shore, and pretty soon we saw the big, smoky light the flambeaux made. We thought it was a bonfire on shore up at town.

Well, I guess we’d have been bodies before anybody got to us, anyway, if we hadn’t had some bad luck. Me and Swatty was there in our trees chewing away at slippery elm when all at once something big and black come slamming down onto the point of the Tow Head. It looked like a house, but I guess it was only a cow shed or something like that, that had got floated off the river bottoms by the flood. It came all of a sudden, and before we knew what had happened it hit the Tow Head point and banged into the tree I was on, and the water began to rush over it, and then all at once the tree I was on began to give. It began to topple. It went slow at first and then it went quicker, and it fell over against the tree Swatty was in, and the shed came bumping after it, and then Swatty’s tree keeled over, too, and me and Swatty went down under, and the shed come grating over us – right over our heads and pushing our trees down into the water.

All I ever knew was that the next thing I knew I was slammed up against the side of the shed by the water and pushed against it like a big hand was pushing me, and I was fighting to get more out of the water, and then the shed sort of melted and went to pieces and I was holding onto a board and going down with the current between the trees of the Tow Head. Sometimes the board hit a tree, and sometimes it didn’t, but I thought I was all over with, anyway, and then right ahead of me I saw the water rushing and roaring up against something.

I didn’t know what it was, but it was a log raft the mill folks had put in behind the Tow Head so it wouldn’t get washed away. It was in the inside of the horseshoe, and all across the front of it was driftwood and trash and old boards and everything, and that was what the water was splashing against, and before I knew it I was slammed up against it – me and my board. And what I slammed up against was the bridge timber I had been on before, or one like it. If I had slammed up against where it was just bark and driftwood I would have clawed at it a while and then gone under, I guess; but I crawled onto the timber and just lay there and tried to get the water out of my nose. It looked like half a mile of driftwood was jammed in between me and the log raft – jammed in and pushed together the way a flood can jam it and push it.

Well, that timber wasn’t any place to be. The water rushed against it and over it, so I was getting ducked all the time, and I put out my hand and tried the drift stuff, but it didn’t seem like it would hold me up, but there was one board that was on top of the stuff, and I tried that. I slid over onto it and it seemed all right, so I edged along it, and when I got to the end of the board the drift stuff seemed firmer and I got on my stomach and edged out onto it. It was firm enough, but not very firm, but on my stomach that way I covered a good deal of it at a time, and I sort of wiggled along, and the more I wiggled the firmer it got. It had to, with all the river pushing it, and the driftwood back of it pushing too.

So it took me about an hour to get to the log raft, and when I got to the edge logs, that are chained together, I was all scratched and sore and I just sat down and cried, because I knew Swatty was dead.

And all at once he said, “Hello, Georgie!” and there he was, crawling along the logs toward me. He said he went under when the tree fell over, and that he went under all the driftwood and come up through a hole in the raft. Maybe he did. There were holes enough in the raft. But I didn’t get there that way.

Anyway, there he was, and that made me feel a lot better, and we crawled around the edge of the raft, because we wanted to get to the lower side.

Swatty said maybe we could push a log under the outside chain of logs and paddle to shore on it, but I wasn’t going to do it. Only I wanted to see him do it if he did it. So we got to the lower edge of the raft, where it stuck out below the Tow Head, and just then along came the ferryboat. She was back-paddling and going as slow as she could, and she looked like an excursion with all the porch lamps and the flambeaux. So me and Swatty hollered, but I guess they saw us before we hollered. Everybody came over on our side and that tipped the ferry over a little, and a lot of the men threw ropes at us and held out their pike poles, and me and Swatty grabbed them and they yanked us aboard. So then she whistled five times and waited and whistled five times again, and so on, because that was the signal they was to make if they found our bodies, and they had found them, but they were alive yet. So then Herb made the captain whistle long and steady without stopping, so maybe they’d know we were alive yet. But nobody knew it, because nobody thought we would be.

Well, the old ferry let out so much steam whistling she couldn’t go up-stream. I guess she couldn’t anyway. So they ran her into the shore just where she was and tied her to a big tree, and when we got to the road there was Mother and Father and Mr. and Mrs. Schwartz in a livery rig, because they had followed the boat all the way down. And Fan was in the rig, too. So they all pawed me and Swatty over and saw how bad we was scratched and all, and said we was suffering from exhaustion, but we wasn’t. We was only played out.

So then Herbert said, “All right!” and started to go away, and Fan said, “Herbert!”

“What is it?” he said.

“I want you to ride up-town with us,” she said.

“No,” he said, “I’ll go back and help Captain Hewitt get the boat in shape. I guess I’ve done enough to show you I ‘ve some gump.”

“But I want you to come,” Fan says. “I want to talk to you.”

So he came. Him and Fan sat on the front seat and drove and talked, and I guess their talk was all right, because they fixed everything up. And that was where Miss Murphy got left. Just because she wanted to lick Swatty she lost her beau. That’s why I say I guess if teachers always knew how their lickings were going to turn out they wouldn’t lick us fellows so much. Not when the fellow is the brother of their beau, anyway.

II. MAMIE’S FATHER

I guess this is a good time to tell about Mamie Little, because now you know who me and Swatty and Bony are. Mamie Little was my girl, only she didn’t know it. Nobody knew it but me. It was a secret I had. That’s the way a fellow has a girl at first: she’s a secret and she don’t know she’s his girl. Sometimes she don’t never get to know it and the fellow has to get another girl. But while he “has” her the fellow knows it, and it makes him feel bashful and uncomfortable and frightened when she is near by and it is pretty bully.

The reason I picked out Mamie Little for my girl was because she had the nicest eyes and nicest hair of any girl I ever saw and the way she swished her dress when she walked. She lived across the street from my house and mostly played with my sister Lucy. So when I played with Lucy I could play with Mamie Little, too, and nobody would think it was because she was my girl. They would think I was just playing with my sister.

Mamie Little had been my girl a good while like that, with nobody knowing it but me, and I guessed that pretty soon it would be time for me to fight Swatty or somebody about her and have her for my real girl, if she didn’t mind; but just then Toady Williams came to town and he picked out Mamie Little to be his girl and didn’t care who knew it. And Mamie Little didn’t care who knew it.

Toady was a new kid in town, because his father had come to Riverbank to start a store. We never said Toady could be one of our crowd and we never wanted him to be, but he just joined on because he felt like it. That’s the kind of boy he was. He thought anybody would be tickled to death to have him be around with them. He wasn’t a fat boy, but he was a plump one, and his breeches always fit him so close they were like the skin on a horse; when he wrinkled they wrinkled. He wore shoes in summer. He looked all the time like company come to visit, and I guess that was one reason we didn’t care for him much.

The reason we called him Toady was because of his eyes. They popped out like a frog’s eyes, sort of like brown marbles, and the more he talked the more they popped out. When he talked he couldn’t do anything else but talk. Swatty could lie on his stomach and chew an apple and play mumblety-peg and kick a hole in the sod with one toe and talk, all at one time, but Toady couldn’t. He had to sit up straight and pop his eyes out. When he got started talking you could cut in and say, “Was your grandmother a monkey?” and he’d say, “Yes,” as if he hadn’t heard, and go right on talking. He wouldn’t fight, like me and Swatty, and sometimes Bony, would. If you thought it was time to have a fight with him and pitched into him he would bend down and turn his back and let you mailer him until you got through. But, mostly, he would talk somehow so you wouldn’t want to fight him. That’s no way for a boy to talk. It’s the way girls talk. Or preachers.

Toady didn’t get Mamie Little for his girl the right way. He never said she wasn’t his girl, he just said she was. The right way is that when the other fellows find out he has a girl they holler at him: “Mamie Little is Georgie’s girl! Mamie Little is Georgie’s girl!” And he has to get mad and fight them about it to prove it’s a lie, but after he has fought enough to prove she isn’t his girl, why, then she is his girl and he can have her for his girl and nobody hollers it at him. So then she is the one he chooses to kiss when they play “Post-Office” or “Copenhagen” at parties, and if he’s got anything to give her he gives it to her, like snail shells or a better slate pencil than she has, and such things. So it’s pretty nice, and you feel pretty good about it and are glad she’s your girl.

Well, a short while before Toady Williams came to our town they had an election to see whether the state was to be prohibition or not, and all the school children whose fathers were prohibition paraded; so Mamie Little paraded because her father had the prohibition newspaper in Riverbank, and I paraded because Mamie did and my father didn’t care whether there was prohibition or not. Swatty didn’t parade because his father was a German tailor, and when he felt like a glass of beer he wanted to have it, and every fall Swatty’s mother made grape wine out of wild grapes that me and Swatty got from the vines in the bottom across the Mississippi. When they had the election, prohibition was elected all over the state, but not in Riverbank; but we had to have it in Riverbank because the state elected it.

Of course I was prohibition, because I had paraded and because Mamie Little was, but Swatty was antiprohibition. I didn’t say a thing to make Swatty mad; all I said was: “Huh! You thought you was so smart, didn’t you? You thought prohibition was going to get licked, but it was you got licked. Next time you won’t be so smart. I guess you and your father feel pretty sick about it.”

“Don’t you say anything about my father!” Swatty said.

“I’ll say he was licked, because he was licked,” I said.

So Swatty pulled off his coat and I pulled off mine, and we had a good fight. He licked me because he always did; and when he was sitting on my ribs and had his knees on my arms so I couldn’t do anything, he asked me if I had had enough, and I said I had. Because I had had.

“I guess I showed you how much the prohibitions can lick the anti-prohibitions!” he said.

“Let me up,” I said.

“Are you prohibition?” he asked.

I said, “Yes, I am.”

“All right!” he said, and he put his hand on my nose and pushed. He pushed my nose right into my face. I never had anything hurt like that did. I yelled, it hurt so much. I told him to stop.

“All right,” he said, “if I stop what are you?”

I knew what he meant. He had already got me from being a Republican to being a Democrat that way once before. I wasn’t thinking of Mamie Little; I was thinking of my nose. So I said:

“I’m an anti-prohibition. Now let me up. You ‘ve busted my nose and some of my ribs, and I want to put some plantain on my eye before it swells up.”

We felt of my ribs and couldn’t find that any seemed busted, and my nose stopped hurting and came back into shape, so me and Swatty were better friends than we had ever been, because we were now both anti-prohibitions. We went around and made a lot of prohibitions into anti-prohibitions because Swatty showed me how to push a nose the way he pushed mine. But it didn’t do much good, I guess. The election was over and, anyway, there were always more anti-prohibitions in Riverbank than there were prohibitions.

It was almost right away after that that me and Swatty and Bony met Mamie Little and Lucy one Saturday afternoon. Lucy is my sister, and they were going down-town. Me and Swatty and Bony were sitting on the curb telling whoppers; or I guess Swatty and Bony were, I was just telling some things that had happened to me sometime that I’d forgot until I happened to think them up just then.

Swatty was telling how he went up to Derlingport and his uncle introduced him to the man that had the government job of making up new swear words, when Mamie and Lucy came along. I said:

“Where are you going?”

“Down-town,” Lucy said.

“Did Mother give you a nickel?” I asked, and I was sort of mad, because Mother owed me a nickel and hadn’t paid me, because she said she didn’t have one, and if she gave one to Lucy, why, all right for Mother!

“No, she didn’t give me a nickel, Mr. Smarty!” Lucy said. “If you want to know so much, we’re going down to Mr. Schwartz’s shop to see if he’ll let Mamie have a father.”

I guess that would sound pretty funny if you didn’t know what she meant. It was paper dolls.

Girls always play paper dolls, I guess; so Mamie and Lucy and all the girls played them; they got them out of the colored fashion plates in the magazines – brides and mothers and sons and daughters.

The trouble was that a good family has to have anyway one father in it, and the magazines didn’t have colored fashion plates of fathers. They didn’t have any fathers at all.

Some of the girls drew fathers on paper and painted them, but they looked pretty sick. I guess all the girls were jealous of Lucy because she was kind of Swatty’s girl, and Swatty sort of borrowed an old colored tailor fashion plate out of his father’s store and gave it to Lucy. So Lucy had the only real fathers that any of the girls had. She gave Mamie a couple of fathers out of the fashion plate, but they were the ones that had been standing partly behind other fathers and had mostly only one leg, or pieces cut out of their sides or something. They didn’t make Mamie real happy, I guess, so she thought she’d try to get some good fathers. They were going down to ask Mr. Schwartz for a fashion plate.

Swatty was frightened right away, because he hadn’t asked his father if he could have the old fashion plate but had just sort of borrowed it. So he said:

“What are you going to ask my father?”

“I’m going to tell him he gave you one for me,” Lucy said, “and I’m going to ask him if he’ll give me one for Mamie.”

So then Swatty was scared.

“No, don’t do it!” he said.

“I will, too, do it!” Lucy answered back. “I guess I know your father, and I guess my father buys clothes of him, and I guess we take milk of your mother, and I guess I will, too, ask him if I want to!”

Well, Swatty couldn’t answer back because he had Lucy for his secret girl like I had Mamie Little.

So I got up and stood in front of Lucy and pushed her a little, because she wasn’t my girl but only my sister, and I said:

“You will not do it. You go home!”

“You stop pushing me! I won’t go home.”

“Yes, you will, when I say so!” I said.

I was going to tell her that as soon as there were any more old fashion plates at Swatty’s father’s, Swatty would swi – would get one for Mamie, but Lucy got mad because I just took hold of her arm too hard between my thumb and finger. She said I pinched her, but I did not; I just sort of took hold of her that way. She ran back a way and stuck out her tongue at me.

“Now, just for that, Mr. Smarty,” she yelled, “I’m going to tell Mamie on you!”

“You just dare!” I started for her, but she skipped off.

“Mamie,” she shouted, “you’ll be mad when I tell you! Georgie Porgie is an anti-prohibition!” Mamie just stood and looked at me, because I’d said I’d always be a prohibition.

“Are you?” she asked.

If Swatty hadn’t been right there I would have changed back to a prohibition again and it would have been all right, but he was there and I wasn’t going to have him think I would change just on account of a girl. So I said:

“Uh, huh!”

“All right for you, Mr. Georgie! You needn’t ever speak to me again as long as you live!” she said.

I felt pretty cheap. I tried to say something, and I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I made a face at her and she made one at me, and then we were mad at each other and she went away. She went toward down-town, and Lucy skipped across the street and ran and went with her. And that was one reason Mamie was glad that Toady Williams had her for his girl when he came to town. She guessed I did not like it. And I didn’t.

Mr. Schwartz said Mamie could have the fashion plate as soon as he was through with it, which would be at the end of the season when he got a new one. Lucy let me know that, all right! I guess it was on account of Lucy he promised to let Mamie have the fashion plate, because he was awful fond of Lucy.

Anyway, Mamie was mighty pleased to know she was going to have a good father.

When she played paper dolls with Lucy I used to sort of go over where they were and maybe stand there to see if Mamie was mad at me still. About all she said was how glad she’d be when she had a good father. I guess I heard her say it a hundred times, but she never let on she knew I was there at all. Sometimes I’d sort of drop an apple or something so it would fall where she could reach it, but she never paid any attention. The most she would do would be to pick up a one-legged father and say:

“‘Where are you going, Mr. Reginald de Vere?’ ‘I’m going down-town to vote a while if you do not need me to take care of the baby.’ ‘Not at all, but I do hope you will show folks you are a prohibition. If I ever heard you were an anti-prohibition I would cut you up into mincemeat.’”

So then I most generally went away.

I got kind of sick of girls. I made up my mind they were no good anyway, and that I’d never have another one if I lived to be a million years old, and when I wrote notes to Mamie in school it wasn’t any use because she always tore them up without reading them. It made me feel awful to have her so mean. Because she wasn’t mean to Toady.

Well, it came to examination time and we began to be examined. Swatty and Bony and I didn’t have to be examined in arithmetic until Thursday afternoon and neither did Lucy or Mamie, so Swatty and Bony and I thought we might as well go fishing that morning. We got our poles and some bait and started, and we went down Third Street and when we came to the railway track we cut across through Burman’s lumber yard toward the river because that was the quickest way.

Burman’s sawmill was the biggest one in Riverbank then. I guess you know how big those sawmills were. Great big red buildings with gravel roofs where they sawed the logs that came down the river in rafts, and where they made shingles, and the row of sheds where they dried the lumber with steam, and another big one where the planers were. There were hundreds and hundreds of piles of lumber, each one as tall as a house, and all the ground was made of sawdust and rattlings, because it was filled ground.