The Pig Brother, and Other Fables and Stories

“What is the price of butter?”

The second, “Has your grandmother sold her mangle yet?”

And the third, “With all my heart!”

You may well imagine what a great misfortune this was to a young and lively princess. How could she join in the sports and dances of the noble youths and maidens of the court? She could not always be silent, neither could she always say, “With all my heart!” though this was her favorite phrase, and she used it whenever she possibly could; and it was not at all pleasant, when some gallant knight asked her whether she would rather play croquet or Aunt Sally, to be obliged to reply, “What is the price of butter?”

On certain occasions, however, the princess actually found her infirmity of service to her. She could always put an end suddenly to any conversation that did not please her, by interposing with her first or second remark; and they were also a very great assistance to her when, as happened nearly every day, she received an offer of marriage. Emperors, kings, princes, dukes, earls, marquises, viscounts, baronets, and many other lofty personages knelt at her feet, and offered her their hands, hearts, and other possessions of greater or less value. But for all her suitors the princess had but one answer. Fixing her deep radiant eyes on them, she would reply with thrilling earnestness, “Has your grandmother sold her mangle yet?” and this always impressed the suitors so deeply that they retired, weeping, to a neighboring monastery, where they hung up their armor in the chapel, and taking the vows, passed the remainder of their lives mostly in flogging themselves, wearing hair shirts, and putting dry toast-crumbs in their beds.

Now, when the king found that all his best nobles were turning into monks, he was greatly displeased, and said to the princess: —

“My daughter, it is high time that all this nonsense came to an end. The next time a respectable person asks you to marry him, you will say, ‘With all my heart!’ or I will know the reason why.”

But this the princess could not endure, for she had never yet seen a man whom she was willing to marry. Nevertheless, she feared her father’s anger, for she knew that he always kept his word; so that very night she slipped down the back stairs of the palace, opened the back door, and ran away out into the wide world.

She wandered for many days, over mountain and moor, through fen and through forest, until she came to a fair city. Here all the bells were ringing, and the people shouting and flinging caps into the air; for their old king was dead, and they were just about to crown a new one. The new king was a stranger, who had come to the town only the day before; but as soon as he heard of the old monarch’s death, he told the people that he was a king himself, and as he happened to be without a kingdom at that moment, he would be quite willing to rule over them. The people joyfully assented, for the late king had left no heir; and now all the preparations had been completed. The crown had been polished up, and a new tip put on the sceptre, as the old king had quite spoiled it by poking the fire with it for upwards of forty years.

When the people saw the beautiful princess, they welcomed her with many bows, and insisted on leading her before the new king.

“Who knows but that they may be related?” said everybody. “They both came from the same direction, and both are strangers.”

Accordingly the princess was led to the market-place, where the king was sitting in royal state. He had a fat, red, shining face, and did not look like the kings whom she had been in the habit of seeing; but nevertheless the princess made a graceful courtesy, and then waited to hear what he would say.

The new king seemed rather embarrassed when he saw that it was a princess who appeared before him; but he smiled graciously, and said, in a smooth oily voice, —

“I trust your ’Ighness is quite well. And ’ow did yer ’Ighness leave yer pa and ma?”

At these words the princess raised her head and looked fixedly at the red-faced king; then she replied, with scornful distinctness, —

“What is the price of butter?”

At these words an alarming change came over the king’s face. The red faded from it, and left it a livid green; his teeth chattered; his eyes stared, and rolled in their sockets; while the sceptre dropped from his trembling hand and fell at the princess’s feet. For the truth was, this was no king at all, but a retired butterman, who had laid by a little money at his trade, and had thought of setting up a public house; but chancing to pass through this city at the very time when they were looking for a king, it struck him that he might just as well fill the vacant place as any one else. No one had thought of his being an impostor; but when the princess fixed her clear eyes on him and asked him that familiar question, which he had been in the habit of hearing many times a day for a great part of his life, the guilty butterman thought himself detected, and shook in his guilty shoes. Hastily descending from his throne, he beckoned the princess into a side-chamber, and closing the door, besought her in moving terms not to betray him.

“Here,” he said, “is a bag of rubies as big as pigeon’s eggs. There are six thousand of them, and I ’umbly beg your ’Ighness to haccept them as a slight token hof my hesteem, if your ’Ighness will kindly consent to spare a respeckable tradesman the disgrace of being hexposed.”

The princess reflected, and came to the conclusion that, after all, a butterman might make as good a king as any one else; so she took the rubies with a gracious little nod, and departed, while all the people shouted, “Hooray!” and followed her, waving their hats and kerchiefs, to the gates of the city.

With her bag of rubies over her shoulder, the fair princess now pursued her journey, and fared forward over heath and hill, through brake and through brier. After several days she came to a deep forest, which she entered without hesitation, for she knew no fear. She had not gone a hundred paces under the arching limes, when she was met by a band of robbers, who stopped her and asked what she did in their forest, and what she carried in her bag. They were fierce, black-bearded men, armed to the teeth with daggers, cutlasses, pistols, dirks, hangers, blunderbusses, and other defensive weapons; but the princess gazed calmly on them, and said haughtily, —

“Has your grandmother sold her mangle yet?”

The effect was magical. The robbers started back in dismay, crying, “The countersign!” Then they hastily lowered their weapons, and assuming attitudes of abject humility, besought the princess graciously to accompany them to their master’s presence. With a lofty gesture she signified assent, and the cringing, trembling bandits led her on through the forest till they reached an open glade, into which the sunbeams glanced right merrily. Here, under a broad oak-tree which stood in the centre of the glade, reclined a man of gigantic stature and commanding mien, with a whole armory of weapons displayed upon his person. Hastening to their chief, the robbers conveyed to him, in agitated whispers, the circumstance of their meeting the princess, and of her unexpected reply to their questions. Hardly seeming to credit their statement, the gigantic chieftain sprang to his feet, and advancing toward the princess with a respectful reverence, begged her to repeat the remark which had so disturbed his men. With a royal air, and in clear and ringing tones, the princess repeated, —

“Has your grandmother sold her mangle yet?” and gazed steadfastly at the robber chief.

He turned deadly pale, and staggered against a tree, which alone prevented him from falling.

“It is true!” he gasped. “We are undone! The enemy is without doubt close at hand, and all is over. Yet,” he added with more firmness, and with an appealing glance at the princess, “yet there may be one chance left for us. If this gracious lady will consent to go forward, instead of returning through the wood, we may yet escape with our lives. Noble princess!” and here he and the whole band assumed attitudes of supplication, “consider, I pray you, whether it would really add to your happiness to betray to the advancing army a few poor foresters, who earn their bread by the sweat of their brow. Here,” he continued, hastily drawing something from a hole in the oak-tree, “is a bag containing ten thousand sapphires, each as large as a pullet’s egg. If you will graciously deign to accept them, and to pursue your journey in the direction I shall indicate, the Red Chief of the Rustywhanger will be your slave forever.”

The princess, who of course knew that there was no army in the neighborhood, and who moreover did not in the least care which way she went, assented to the Red Chief’s proposition, and taking the bag of sapphires, bowed her farewell to the grateful robbers, and followed their leader down a ferny path which led to the farther end of the forest. When they came to the open country, the robber chieftain took his leave of the princess, with profound bows and many protestations of devotion, and returned to his band, who were already preparing to plunge into the impenetrable thickets of the midforest.

The princess, meantime, with her two bags of gems on her shoulders, fared forward with a light heart, by dale and by down, through moss and through meadow. By-and-by she came to a fair high palace, built all of marble and shining jasper, with smooth lawns about it, and sunny gardens of roses and gillyflowers, from which the air blew so sweet that it was a pleasure to breathe it. The princess stood still for a moment, to taste the sweetness of this air, and to look her fill at so fair a spot; and as she stood there, it chanced that the palace-gates opened, and the young king rode out with his court, to go a-catching of nighthawks.

Now when the king saw a right fair princess standing alone at his palace-gate, her rich garments dusty and travel-stained, and two heavy sacks hung upon her shoulders, he was filled with amazement; and leaping from his steed, like the gallant knight that he was, he besought her to tell him whence she came and whither she was going, and in what way he might be of service to her.

But the princess looked down at her little dusty shoes, and answered never a word; for she had seen at the first glance how fair and goodly a king this was, and she would not ask him the price of butter, nor whether his grandmother had sold her mangle yet. But she thought in her heart, “Now, I have never, in all my life, seen a man to whom I would so willingly say, ‘With all my heart!’ if he should ask me to marry him.”

The king marvelled much at her silence, and presently repeated his questions, adding, “And what do you carry so carefully in those two sacks, which seem over-heavy for your delicate shoulders?”

Still holding her eyes downcast, the princess took a ruby from one bag, and a sapphire from the other, and in silence handed them to the king, for she willed that he should know she was no beggar, even though her shoes were dusty. Thereat all the nobles were filled with amazement, for no such gems had ever been seen in that country.

But the king looked steadfastly at the princess, and said, “Rubies are fine, and sapphires are fair; but, maiden, if I could but see those eyes of yours, I warrant that the gems would look pale and dull beside them.”

At that the princess raised her clear dark eyes, and looked at the king and smiled; and the glance of her eyes pierced straight to his heart, so that he fell on his knees and cried:

“Ah! sweet princess, now do I know that thou art the love for whom I have waited so long, and whom I have sought through so many lands. Give me thy white hand, and tell me, either by word or by sign, that thou wilt be my queen and my bride!”

And the princess, like a right royal maiden as she was, looked him straight in the eyes, and giving him her little white hand, answered bravely, “With all my heart!”

HOKEY POKEY

Hokey Pokey was the youngest of a large family of children. His elder brothers, as they grew up, all became either butchers or bakers or makers of candle-sticks, for such was the custom of the family. But Hokey Pokey would be none of these things; so when he was grown to be a tall youth he went to his father and said, “Give me my fortune.”

“‘Will you be a butcher?’ asked his father.

“‘No,’ said Hokey Pokey.

“‘Will you be a baker?’

“‘No, again.’

“‘Will you make candlesticks?’

“‘Nor that either.’

“‘Then,’ said his father, ‘this is the only fortune I can give you;’ and with that he took up his cudgel and gave the youth a stout beating. ‘Now you cannot complain that I gave you nothing,’ said he.

“‘That is true,’ said Hokey Pokey. ‘But give me also the wooden mallet which lies on the shelf, and I will make my way through the world.’

“His father gave him the mallet, glad to be so easily rid of him, and Hokey Pokey went out into the world to seek his fortune. He walked all day, and at nightfall he came to a small village. Feeling hungry, he went into a baker’s shop, intending to buy a loaf of bread for his supper. There was a great noise and confusion in the back part of the shop; and on going to see what was the matter, he found the baker on his knees beside a large box or chest, which he was trying with might and main to keep shut. But there was something inside the box which was trying just as hard to get out, and it screamed and kicked, and pushed the lid up as often as the baker shut it down.

“‘What have you there in the box?’ asked Hokey Pokey.

“‘I have my wife,’ replied the baker. ‘She is so frightfully ill-tempered that whenever I am going to bake bread I am obliged to shut her up in this box, lest she push me into the oven and bake me with the bread, as she has often threatened to do. But to-day she has broken the lock of the box, and I know not how to keep her down.’

“‘That is easily managed,’ said Hokey Pokey. ‘Do you but tell her, when she asks who I am, that I am a giant with three heads, and all will be well.’ So saying, he took his wooden mallet and dealt three tremendous blows on the box, saying in a loud voice, —

‘Hickory Hox!I sit by the box,Waiting to give you a few of my knocks.’

“‘Husband, husband! whom have you there?’ cried the wife in terror.

“‘Alas!’ said the baker; ‘it is a frightful giant with three heads. He is sitting by the box, and if you open it so much as the width of your little finger, he will pull you out and beat you to powder.’

“When the wife heard that she crouched down in the box, and said never a word, for she was afraid of her life.

“The baker then took Hokey Pokey into the other part of the shop, thanked him warmly, and gave him a good supper and a bed. The next morning he gave him for a present the finest loaf of bread in his shop, which was shaped like a large round ball; and Hokey Pokey, after knocking once more on the lid of the box, continued his travels.

“He had not gone far before he came to another village, and wishing to inquire his way he entered the first shop he came to, which proved to be that of a confectioner. The shop was full of the most beautiful sweetmeats imaginable, and everything was bright and gay; but the confectioner himself sat upon a bench, weeping bitterly.

“‘What ails you, friend?’ asked Hokey Pokey; ‘and why do you weep, when you are surrounded by the most delightful things in the world?’

“‘Alas!’ replied the confectioner. ‘That is just the cause of my trouble. The sweetmeats that I make are so good that their fame has spread far and wide, and the Rat King, hearing of them, has taken up his abode in my cellar. Every night he comes up and eats all the sweetmeats I have made the day before. There is no comfort in my life, and I am thinking of becoming a rope-maker and hanging myself with the first rope I make.’

“‘Why don’t you set a trap for him?’ asked Hokey Pokey.

“‘I have set fifty-nine traps,’ replied the confectioner, ‘but he is so strong that he breaks them all.’

“‘Poison him,’ suggested Hokey Pokey.

“‘He dislikes poison,’ said the confectioner, ‘and will not take it in any form.’

“‘In that case,’ said Hokey Pokey, ‘leave him to me. Go away, and hide yourself for a few minutes, and all will be well.’

“The confectioner retired behind a large screen, having first showed Hokey Pokey the hole of the Rat King, which was certainly a very large one. Hokey Pokey sat down by the hole, with his mallet in his hand, and said in a squeaking voice, —

‘Ratly King! Kingly Rat!Here your mate comes pit-a-pat.Come and see; the way is free;Hear my signal: one! two! three!’

And he scratched three times on the floor. Almost immediately the head of a rat popped up through the hole. He was a huge rat, quite as large as a cat; but his size was no help to him, for as soon as he appeared, Hokey Pokey dealt him such a blow with his mallet that he fell down dead without even a squeak. Then Hokey Pokey called the confectioner, who came out from behind the screen and thanked him warmly; he also bade him choose anything he liked in the shop, in payment for his services.

“‘Can you match this?’ asked Hokey Pokey, showing his round ball of bread.

“‘That can I!’ said the confectioner; and he brought out a most beautiful ball, twice as large as the loaf, composed of the finest sweetmeats in the world, red and yellow and white. Hokey Pokey took it with many thanks, and then went on his way.

“The next day he came to a third village in the streets of which the people were all running to and fro in the wildest confusion.

“‘What is the matter?’ asked Hokey Pokey, as one man ran directly into his arms.

“‘Alas!’ replied the man. ‘A wild bull has got into the principal china-shop, and is breaking all the beautiful dishes.’

“‘Why do you not drive him out?’ asked Hokey Pokey.

“‘We are afraid to do that,’ said the man; ‘but we are running up and down to express our emotion and sympathy, and that is something.’

“‘Show me the china-shop,’ said Hokey Pokey.

“So the man showed him the china-shop; and there, sure enough, was a furious bull, making most terrible havoc. He was dancing up and down on a Dresden dinner set, and butting at the Chinese mandarins, and switching down finger-bowls and teapots with his tail, bellowing meanwhile in the most outrageous manner. The floor was covered with broken crockery, and the whole scene was melancholy to behold.

“Now when Hokey Pokey saw this, he said to the owner of the china-shop, who was tearing his hair in a frenzy of despair, ‘Stop tearing your hair, which is indeed a senseless occupation, and I will manage this matter for you. Bring me a red cotton umbrella, and all will yet be well.’

“So the china-shop man brought him a red cotton umbrella, and Hokey Pokey began to open and shut it violently in front of the door. When the bull saw that, he stopped dancing on the Dresden dinner set and came charging out of the shop, straight towards the red umbrella. When he came near enough, Hokey Pokey dropped the umbrella, and raising his wooden mallet hit the bull such a blow on the muzzle that he fell down dead, and never bellowed again.

“The people all flung up their hats, and cheered, and ran up and down all the more, to express their gratification. As for the china-shop man, he threw his arms round Hokey Pokey’s neck, called him his cherished preserver, and bade him choose anything that was left in his shop in payment for his services.

“‘Can you match these?’ asked Hokey Pokey, holding up the loaf of bread and the ball of sweetmeats.

“‘That can I,’ said the shop-man; and he brought out a huge ball of solid ivory, inlaid with gold and silver, and truly lovely to behold. It was very heavy, being twice as large as the ball of sweetmeats; but Hokey Pokey took it, and, after thanking the shop-man and receiving his thanks in return, he proceeded on his way.

“After walking for several days, he came to a fair, large castle, in front of which sat a man on horseback. When the man saw Hokey Pokey, he called out, —

“‘Who are you, and what do you bring to the mighty Dragon, lord of this castle?’

“‘Hokey Pokey is my name,’ replied the youth, ‘and strange things do I bring. But what does the mighty Dragon want, for example?’

“‘He wants something new to eat,’ said the man on horseback. ‘He has eaten of everything that is known in the world, and pines for something new. He who brings him a new dish, never before tasted by him, shall have a thousand crowns and a new jacket; but he who fails, after three trials, shall have his jacket taken away from him, and his head cut off besides.’

“‘I bring strange food,’ said Hokey Pokey. ‘Let me pass in, that I may serve the mighty Dragon.’

“Then the man on horseback lowered his lance, and let him pass in, and in short space he came before the mighty Dragon. The Dragon sat on a silver throne, with a golden knife in one hand, and a golden fork in the other. Around him were many people, who offered him dishes of every description; but he would none of them, for he had tasted them all before; and he howled with hunger on his silver throne. Then came forward Hokey Pokey, and said boldly, —

“‘Here come I, Hokey Pokey, bringing strange food for the mighty Dragon.’

“The Dragon howled again, and waving his knife and fork, bade Hokey Pokey give the food to the attendants, that they might serve him.

“‘Not so,’ said Hokey Pokey. ‘I must serve you myself, most mighty Dragon, else you shall not taste of my food. Therefore put down your knife and fork, and open your mouth, and you shall see what you shall see.’

“So the Dragon, after summoning the man-with-the-thousand-crowns and the man-with-the-new-jacket to one side of his throne, and the man-to-take-away-the old-jacket and the executioner to the other, laid down his knife and fork and opened his mouth. Hokey Pokey stepped lightly forward, and dropped the round loaf down the great red throat. The Dragon shut his jaws together with a snap, and swallowed the loaf in two gulps.

“‘That is good,’ he said; ‘but it is not new. I have eaten much bread, though never before in a round loaf. Have you anything more? Or shall the man take away your jacket?’

“‘I have this, an it please you,’ said Hokey Pokey; and he dropped the ball of sweetmeats into the Dragon’s mouth.

“When the Dragon tasted this, he rolled his eyes round and round, and was speechless with delight for some time. At length he said, ‘Worthy youth, this is very good; it is extremely good; it is better than anything I ever tasted. Nevertheless, it is not new; for I have tasted the same kind of thing before, only not nearly so good. And now, unless you are positively sure that you have something new for your third trial, you really might as well take off your jacket; and the executioner shall take off your head at the same time, as it is getting rather late. Executioner, do your – ’

“‘Craving your pardon, most mighty Dragon,’ said Hokey Pokey, ‘I will first make my third trial;’ and with that he dropped the ivory ball into the Dragon’s mouth.

“‘Gug-wugg-gllll-grrr!’ said the Dragon, for the ball had stuck fast, being too big for him to swallow.

“Then Hokey Pokey lifted his mallet and struck one tremendous blow upon the ball, driving it far down the throat of the monster, and killing him most fatally dead. He rolled off the throne like a scaly log, and his crown fell off and rolled to Hokey Pokey’s feet. The youth picked it up and put it on his own head, and then called the people about him and addressed them.

“‘People,’ he said, ‘I am Hokey Pokey, and I have come from a far land to rule over you. Your Dragon have I slain, and now I am your king; and if you will always do exactly what I tell you to do, you will have no further trouble.’

“So the people threw up their caps and cried, ‘Long live Hokey Pokey!’ and they always did exactly as he told them, and had no further trouble.

“And Hokey Pokey sent for his three brothers, and made them Chief Butcher, Chief Baker, and Chief Candlestick-maker of his kingdom. But to his father he sent a large cudgel made of pure gold, with these words engraved on it: ‘Now you cannot complain that I have given you nothing!’”

THE TANGLED SKEIN

“My dear child,” said the Angel-who-attends-to things, “why are you crying so very hard?”

“Oh dear! oh dear!” said the child. “No one ever had such a dreadful time before, I do believe, and it all comes of trying to be good. Oh dear! Oh dear! I wish I was bad; then I should not have all this trouble.”