English Society

Jones. – "I'm afraid I can't manage that; but I could add a story, if that will do as well!"

Tommy. – "Why don't they have little shut-up houses? Why do they have open bars?"

Dorothy (who knows everything). – "Oh! that's for them to see the people, of course!"

Just as Stodge is about to explain the recondite subtleties of his picture to a select circle of deeply interested and delightfully sympathetic women, his wife comes in with the baby, confound it!

"Oh, look, grandpapa! Poor things … they're burying the baby!"

"Isn't Emily Firkinson a darling, Reginald?"

"A – ahem – no doubt. I can't say much for her singing, you know!"

"Ah! but she's so good and true – a perfect angel! I've known her all my life. I want you to promise me something, Reginald."

"Certainly, my love!"

"If I should die young, and you should ever marry again, promise, oh! promise me that it shall be Emily Firkinson!"

Hostess (to host, after dinner). – "George, dear, how about asking Signor Robsonio and Signora Smithorelli to sing? They'll be mortally offended if we do, and they'll be mortally offended if we don't!"

Mrs. Bloker. – "Oh, I'm sorry to disturb you at breakfast, but I wanted to make sure of you. Mr. and Mrs. Dedleigh Boreham are stopping with me for a few days, and I want you to come and dine to-morrow, or, if you are engaged, Wednesday; or Thursday will do, or Friday or Saturday; or any day next week!"

(Mrs. Brown feebly tries to invent that they have some thoughts of sailing to Honolulu this afternoon, and that they have just lost a relative, but breaks down ignominiously.)

"But doesn't hearing those brilliant speeches sometimes make you change your mind?"

"My mind? Oh, often! But my vote, NEVER!!"

The Old Marquis of Carabas. – "What, madam! There's your lovely but penniless daughter positively dying to marry me; and here I am, willing to settle £20,000 a year on her, and give her one of the oldest titles in England, and you refuse your consent!!!! By George, madam, in my young days it wasn't the mothers who objected to men of my sort. It was the daughters themselves!!"

Hostess. – "So sorry to have kept you waiting, Mr. Green."

Visitor. – "Oh, don't mention it. The anticipation, you know, is always so much brighter than the reality."

Mrs. Brown. – "Oh, Mrs. Smith, do have that sweet baby of yours brought down to show my husband. He's never seen it."

Mr. Brown. – "Oh, pray, don't trouble on my account."

Genial Hostess. – "What, going already, Professor?.. And must you take your wife away with you?"

The Professor (with grave politeness). – "Indeed, madam, I am sorry to say I MUST!"

"Pardon me! But you have passed over that picture in the corner. An old Dutch master, I think."

"Oh, that! 'The Burgermaster' it's called By Rembrank, I b'lieve. It ain't nothing much. Only a work of hart. Not one of the family, you know!"

The Maiden. – "Good-morning, Mr. Jones! How do you like my hyacinths?"

The Curate. – "Well, they prevent me from seeing you! I should prefer Lower cinths!"

The Miss Browns (of "a good" Bayswater family) playing "Buffalo Gals," with variations, on two American banjoes and an American parlor-grand.

Mrs. Gushington (aside to her husband). – "What a long, tiresome piece of music that was! Who's it by, I wonder?"

Mr. Gushington. – "Beethoven, my love."

Mrs. Gushington (to hostess). – "My dear Mrs. Brown, what heavenly music! How in every bar one feels the stamp of the greatest genius the world has ever known!"

"Oh, papa, we've all quite made up our minds never to marry, now we've got this beautiful house and garden!" (Papa has taken this beautiful house and garden solely with the view of tempting eligible young men to come and play lawn-tennis, etc., etc.)

She. – "After all, there's nothing better than the wing of a chicken! Is there, General?"

He. – "I never tasted the wing of a chicken. I only know the legs! When I was young, you know, my parents always ate the wings, and now, my children always do!"

Æsthetic Youth. – "I hope by degrees to have this room filled with nothing but the most perfectly beautiful things…"

Simple-Minded Guardsman. – "And what are you going to do with these, then?"

"I must have this tooth out, it hurts so!"

"Oh, please don't, or I shall have to wear it, as I do all of your left-off things!"

Mrs. Constantia (to old adorer, who has married for money). – "And these are your children, Ronald? Oh!.. how like their mother!"

He. – "What! You haven't got a dance left?"

She. – "No. It's past two o'clock! Why didn't you come earlier?"

He. – "Well, a feller must dine, you know!"

She-Gossip (alluding to newly-wedded pair). – "There go 'Beauty and the Beast,' as they are called! She would marry him. Her parents strongly opposed the match, as you may imagine."

He-Gossip (who flatters himself that he understands the sex). – "By George! The parental opposition must have been strong to make her marry such a ruffian as that!"

De Snookke. – "There goes Mrs. Gatherum! She never asks me to her parties! I suppose I am not swell enough!"

Sympathetic Lady-Friend. – "Oh, it can't be that! One meets the most rowdy people in London there."

Captain Lelongbow (a fascinating but most inveterate romancer about his own exploits). – "Who's your favorite hero in fiction, Miss Vera?"

Miss Vera. – "You are!"

Mrs. Van Tromp. – "Oh, Sir Charles! Modern English male attire is too hideous. Just look round … there are only two decently dressed men in the room!"

Sir Charles. – "Indeed! And which are they, may I ask?"

Mrs. Van Tromp. – "Well, I don't know who they are, exactly; but just now one seems to be offering the other a cup of tea."

Vocalist (to fair Stranger). – "A – I'm going to sing 'Fain would I clasp thee closer, love!' May I look at you while I am singing?"

Fair Stranger. – "Oh, certainly! Or at my grandmother."