Amusement Only

"It is a case of kill or cure," observed Pybus, with the most extraordinary expression of countenance I ever saw. "The man who takes much of that stuff will be killed if he isn't cured. Death for me, rather than 'Aunt Jane's Jalap'-if it is jalap."

"It is rather pungent," I owned.

"I don't know about pungent," continued Pybus, who certainly seemed to be suffering; "but with ice pudding it's a failure."

"Never," declared Mrs. Chalmers, who was leaning back in her chair, and had her handkerchief in her hand, "never did I taste anything like it! Never! and after dinner, too!"

Margaret's feelings seemed for the moment to be too strong for speech. I perceived the thing had been a failure. Still, I endeavoured to pass it off, which was difficult, for I myself felt really ill.

"Ah! it is to the after effects we must look forward."

"It is the after effects I'm thinking of," said Pybus.

That was almost more than I could bear; it was the after effects I was thinking of as well.

"Come, let's adjourn and have a little music."

"Have we finished the bottle of jalap?" inquired Pybus.

"I really must apologise; I confess I had no idea what a peculiar taste it had; it certainly is peculiar." Mrs. Chalmers put her handkerchief up to her eyes.

"And after dinner, too!"

We accompanied the ladies to the drawing-room, as well as we could. Pybus went with Mrs. Chalmers, I took Margaret. As we went I whispered in her ear:

"Now, you and I can look over the house together."

"I am afraid, George, you must excuse me. I-I couldn't walk about just yet. Do take me to a chair!"

We had planned that we would examine the house together from attic to basement; indeed, the whole affair had been got up for that express purpose. Everything was in apple-pie order and ready for inspection. The servants were on the tiptoe of expectation. As we went, Margaret was to make suggestions for alterations which would fit the house for its mistress. And opportunities might arise for a little confidential intercourse. But, of course, I could not drag the girl about the place against her will. Love works wonders. But there are circumstances which prove too strong.

The atmosphere of the drawing-room was depressing. It was no use my talking to Margaret, because she wouldn't talk to me. And general conversation seemed out of the question. So I tried another line.

"Pybus, give us a song." (Pybus thinks he can sing. He may have been able to-once.) "Here's 'Drink to me only.' That's a favourite of yours." (You should hear him sing it.) "Margaret will play the accompaniment."

"Lucas," he said, "Do you think, by any chance, that dose of jalap was too strong? I ask the question because I remember, when I was a boy, hearing of a family being poisoned by an overdose of jalap. In their case they took it by mistake. Though, judging from the taste of your jalap, I can't see how that could be. Still, if there is likely to be any danger it is as well that we should be prepared for it."

"Margaret," murmured Mrs. Chalmers, "let's go home."

"Why, aunt? It will pass off in time."

In time! At that moment I heartily wished that Hughes had been at Jericho before he induced me to dabble in his patent medicines. I always did hate them, even as a child.

"It is quite impossible," continued Pybus, "that the sensations which I am now experiencing are the ordinary and natural outcome of a dose of jalap."

"Margaret," groaned Mrs. Chalmers, "I insist upon your coming home."

"Aunt, what is the use of going home?"

"You haven't got a book in the house, Lucas, treating of poisons?"

"I wish you wouldn't talk like that, Pybus. It really is unfair. I quite perceive that I made a mistake in administering the dose after dinner; in fact, I am myself inclined to believe that I misunderstood Hughes, and that the dose ought to be administered before a meal."

"Good God!"

"Pybus!"

"I can't help it. I really cannot help it, sir. The idea of a reasonable person voluntarily swallowing such a concoction as that before his dinner is enough to make any man profane!"

"I don't think, Mr. Lucas," murmured Mrs. Chalmers, "that you have the least idea how ill I feel."

"My dear Mrs. Chalmers, if-if there is anything I can do for you." "Yes," said Pybus, "another bottle."

CHAPTER II

AFTER TAKING

Just then Brooks came in.

"Mr. Hughes, sir, wishes to speak to you."

"Excuse me one moment-I'll be back directly."

I found Hughes waiting for me in my snuggery.

"Sorry to interrupt you, old man, but I just called in to prevent accidents."

"What do you mean?"

"You know that bottle I brought you this afternoon. I thought it was 'Aunt Jane's Jalap,' but it isn't. I found it out directly I got home. You see, I keep all sorts of bottles in my cupboard-regular chemist's shop! – and I caught hold of the wrong one by mistake."

"Not 'Aunt Jane's Jalap!'"

"No, it's laudanum."

"Laudanum? Hughes!"

"The fact is-Lucas! – What's the matter? – You don't mean to say you have been drinking some?"

"Is-is it poison?"

"Poison! – Why, it's pure laudanum!"

"Would-would a wineglassful do any harm?"

"A wineglassful! Lucas, old man, don't say you've drank a wineglassful!"

"We all have."

"All have!"

"Margaret, and Mrs. Chalmers, and Pybus.

"Great powers!"

"We-we thought it was 'Aunt Jane's Jalap,' and we drank to its success."

"Are they dead?"

"Dead! Hughes!"

"How long ago is it since they took it?"

"Not long. After dinner."

"But-a wineglassful! Are they conscious?"

"They were when I just now left them. But they weren't feeling well. I-I'm not either. We couldn't understand it. This-this explains it. Hughes, you-you've murdered us!"

"Never mind, old man. Keep your head; I'll pull you through. Trust all to me. The great thing in a case like this is to keep your head. Don't sit down; keep yourself in constant circulation! Just one second! Brooks! Brooks! Run, Brooks, to the nearest doctor, and then to half-a-dozen others, and tell them there's a case of laudanum poisoning, and they're to come at once."

"Laudanum poisoning, sir! What, in the house?"

"Yes, in the house. Don't stand there like a pig in a fit. It's a question of life or death!"

"One moment, sir, while I get my hat."

"Go without your hat. Here; take mine. Now, run for your life. Remember, if anything happens through you, you will be held responsible in the eyes of the law. Come along, Lucas, let's go in to them. Keep yourself awake, old man; jump about. Don't say a word to them about what has happened. Don't let them even suspect from your manner that anything is wrong. The great thing is to keep them in entire ignorance. And keep cool-keep cool."

He gave a jerk at my arm which almost pulled me forward on my face.

"I say, Hughes, don't!"

"But I must, old man, I must. I must keep you alive, at any cost. Oh, Lucas, old man, if anything should happen- But I won't talk like that, or I shall make a fool of myself. Come along, old man, and mind what I say. Keep cool."

We went along-that is to say, he took me by the arm and dragged me towards the drawing-room. My emotions I am unable to describe. I always think that when a man is able to describe his emotions he hasn't had any worth describing. But through it all I had a dim perception that, in spite of his repeated adjurations, Hughes himself kept anything but cool. Outside the drawing-room door I brought the procession to a standstill. I gripped his arm.

"Hughes, do you think that she will die?"

"Who?"

"Margaret."

"Nonsense! Don't I tell you no one's going to die? For goodness' sake don't talk like that. Don't I keep telling you to keep cool?"

He did. But it was scarcely with an air of coolness that he threw the door wide open, and with so much force that it seemed as if he were trying to wrench it from its hinges. I fancy our entry made a slight sensation. It was strange if it didn't. They were certainly not unconscious-yet! Even amidst my own agitation it was with quite a sensation of relief that I perceived so much. Mrs. Chalmers was reclining on the couch, with her head thrown back, and a look about her which I did not like. Margaret was on a settee, seeming as though the proceedings had lost all interest for her. Pybus sat in an arm chair, his hands crossed upon his stomach.

"Good evening," said Hughes. I could see he did not like the look of things. "I-I've just dropped in."

Pybus rose.

"I'm just dropping out. Good evening, Lucas. I have to thank you for a very pleasant evening. I'll send you the doctor's bill when I get it."

Hughes looked at me, then at Pybus.

"You're not going, Mr. Pybus?"

"Do you wish me to be ill here?"

"But I was looking forward to a song, or a dance, or something."

"Dance! I feel like dancing; and singing, too. I've been the victim of an outrage, Mr. Hughes. I've been introduced to 'Aunt Jane's Jalap.'"

"I've heard of it. Lucas ought not to have given it you."

"And after dinner!"

This was a murmur from the couch.

"That was wrong-quite wrong. The dose should have been administered before the meal."

"In that case," I observed, a little nettled, "we should all of us been dead by now."

Pybus glanced at me sharply.

"Dead! What do you mean?"

Hughes turned on me in a rage.

"Yes. What do you mean?"

I felt I had made a mistake.

"I-I mean nothing. Only-only I think Hughes was as much to blame as I was."

Hughes took Pybus away. They went to Mrs. Chalmers. So far as I could judge, the lady was rapidly sinking into a lethargic condition. I remained standing where I was. I began gradually to realise my situation-the approaching tragedy in which, by fate or circumstance, I was cast as an actor. A strange leaden feeling seemed to be stealing over me, but, in spite of it, I began to understand that at any moment the drawing-room, this drawing-room, my drawing-room, might be strewed with corpses. I knew nothing of the effects of laudanum poisoning, but Hughes seemed to be surprised that we were not all of us dead already. Here was Margaret, the woman I loved best in all the world, upon my right. There was her aunt, for whom, I own, my love was less, upon the couch. There was old Pybus. That old man's blood was also on my hands.

What would they call me? A suicide? The irony! In the full flush of health and strength, with fortune, all the world before me, and a wife. A wife whom I loved with a great fulness of love which was quite old-fashioned. I had wrought this hecatomb. I felt impelled to scream aloud. To warn my victims of the frightful fate which was stealing fast upon them, and of which they were still unconscious.

Someone touched me on the arm. I turned. It was Margaret!

"George, what is the matter?"

"Margaret!"

My voice trembled. There was a choking in my throat. I wished to take her in my arms before them all. It might be a last embrace.

"George, tell me, what is wrong?"

I made an effort to pull myself together.

"Oh! there's nothing wrong. I-I'm only a bit upset."

She put her arm through mine. She led me across the room. I required leading. She drew me into an alcove, which was formed by a window bay.

"Now, George, tell me what is wrong. I know there is something wrong. Tell me what it is."

I was at a loss for words. I trifled with her.

"Margaret! What do you mean?"

"George, was" – her voice sank to a whisper-"was there anything wrong about that stuff you gave us?"

What could I say to her?

"It-it was a mistake drinking it after dinner."

"Is that all? Was it the right stuff, George?"

"It-it was the stuff Hughes gave me."

"You are trifling with me? I know that there is something wrong. I can see it in your manner and in Mr. Hughes's. See how strangely Mr. Hughes is behaving now."

I peeped round the corner. Hughes was behaving strangely. He was frantically urging Mrs. Chalmers to stand up and dance, though anyone looking less like dancing than she did I never saw. He was evidently forgetting his own axiom-keep cool. A curious qualm came over me. Almost without knowing it I leaned for support against the wall.

"George! What is the matter? You are ill."

Margaret's eager face looked into mine.

"It will be all right in a minute."

"It won't! I know it won't! Tell me what it is. There was something the matter with that stuff you gave us. I knew it directly I had swallowed it. Do you think I am a coward? Do you think I am afraid? But it is only fair that you should tell me. If you won't tell me, George, I will go to Mr. Hughes and insist upon his telling me."

"Don't, Margaret. The doctor will be here directly."

"The doctor?" She drew herself straight up. A strange look came into her eyes.

She spoke almost in a whisper. "What is the doctor coming for?"

"Hughes thought that he had better come."

"Is it so bad as that? George, what was that stuff you gave us?"

"I have not said that it was anything. The-the dose was too strong."

"Was it poison?"

"Margaret!"

I took her two hands in mine. She came into my arms. I held her to my breast.

"Was it poison? If you love me half as much as I love you you will tell me, George."

"Margaret!"

"What poison was it?"

"Laudanum!"

She drew herself away from me. She looked at me with her great wide open eyes. Then her eyes were closed. Before I had the least suspicion of what was going to happen she had fallen to the ground. I knelt beside her.

"Margaret!" I cried. I cried to her in vain. I was seized with a great horror. "She is dead!" I exclaimed.

Hughes came running forward. I almost sprang at him.

"You have killed her!"

"Don't be an idiot, Lucas! She can't be dead!"

"She is dead. And it is your work. For the matter of that, all our blood is upon your head. But we shall not die alone. You shall come, too, my friend."

"If you don't take your hands away, Lucas, I shall have to do you a mischief."

"Mr. Lucas! Mr. Hughes! Have you both of you gone mad? Are you aware that there are ladies present?"

The interference came from Pybus. He dragged us asunder. He showed more presence of mind, and more coolness, too, than I had credited him with. He was a great deal calmer than either Lucas or I.

"What is the meaning of this extraordinary behaviour? And what is the matter with Miss Hammond?"

"He has killed her."

"Who has killed her?"

"That scamp; with his infernal negligence."

"I don't in the least understand you. And I think that instead of wrangling here your attentions were better bestowed upon Miss Hammond."

I threw myself at her side. I was like a man distraught in the whirlwind of conflicting emotions which came sweeping over me.

"My darling! Oh, my darling! I shall soon be with you. Already the poison is stealing through my veins. May my end be as rapid as was yours. Why doesn't the doctor come? I don't believe that you have sent for him. Go and fetch him."

Again I sprang at Hughes. And again Pybus interposed.

"Mr. Lucas, may I ask for an explanation of your singular conduct? Has Miss Hammond fainted?"

"Fainted! He has poisoned her!"

"Poisoned her!"

"Yes, and you and me and all of us! We all, like her, are doomed to die."

"Mr. Lucas!"

"Lucas, you're-you're mad, you know."

This was Hughes. But a piercing scream came from the couch.

"I knew that I was poisoned!"

Mrs. Chalmers might know that she was poisoned, but that was no reason why, on the strength of her knowledge, she should develope violent hysterics, which she immediately did. I had never seen so much of the man in Pybus as he showed just then. He gave one look at Mrs. Chalmers, and then he turned to Hughes.

"Mr. Hughes, will you be so good as to tell me if there is any meaning in Mr. Lucas's words?"

Hughes was ghastly white.

"The great point is to bring Miss Hammond back to life again. While we are talking here she may be dying at our feet. I appeal to your manhood, Mr. Pybus, to help me bring her back to consciousness."

Hughes knelt down by Margaret. Pybus turned to me.

"What does he mean?" he said.

I did not answer. I knelt down by Hughes. He had my darling's hand in his. I saw that he was putting great restraint upon himself. Beads of perspiration were on his brow.

"She is not dead," he stammered. "She is in a faint or something. At any cost we must bring her back to consciousness. Be a man, Lucas, and help me. Her life should be even more precious to you than to me."

"Don't talk like that, Hughes. Don't you see that I am nearly mad already? What can I do?"

"Help me to raise her."

Between us we raised her to a perpendicular position.

"Mr. Pybus, can I trouble you to order some brandy? Stay, she is coming back to life again!"

She was. She sighed. She opened her eyes, as if she were waking out of sleep. She turned to me.

"George!"

"My darling!"

I caught her in my arms. I held her to my breast. What mattered it if there were others there? We were standing by an open grave!

"I do so love you, George!"

She was dreaming. She thought we were alone.

"Margaret!"

I kissed her. Something caused her to look round. There was old Pybus standing at her side. She drew herself away from me. She blushed a rosy red; then her glance travelled round the room. She pressed her hands against her bosom. A startled look came into her eyes.

"Then-it wasn't all a dream."

Hughes slipped his arm through hers.

"Miss Hammond, I must insist upon your taking exercise. Take a sharp turn or two round the room with me. Lucas, I wish you'd sit down and play us a dance. Or, better still, let me sit down and play, and you and Miss Hammond take a few turns together. Mr. Pybus, you must dance with Mrs. Chalmers. A flyaway gallop, or a rattling polka. They're better than valses."

There was a remarkable expression upon old Pybus's enamelled countenance. So far as that goes, I expect there was on mine-but, as to that, no matter.

"Might I ask, once more, for an explanation of these very singular proceedings?"

"I warn you, Mr. Pybus, that if you do not dance with Mrs. Chalmers, you must be responsible for the consequences, both as they regard yourself and the lady."

Pybus's eyes wandered from Hughes to Mrs. Chalmers. The lady was making noise enough for ten. She did not strike the imagination as being a promising partner for a dance. So Pybus seemed to think. Hughes struck up, "You should see me dance the polka," playing it at the rate of about sixty miles an hour. Margaret looked at me.

"Are you and I to dance? Why dance?"

I shook my head.

"Hughes," I said, "I can't."

"You must, man, you must! Are you mad?"

"I can't."

I couldn't. A numbness seemed to be settling on my brain. My legs refused to support me. I sank into a chair. Margaret hesitated for just one second. I could see her trembling. Then she sat on the ground close to my feet. She leaned her arm upon my knee. Her face was turned towards mine.

"Nor can I. If we must die, George, let us die together; but not dancing."

"What on earth," inquired Pybus, "is all this talk of dying, Mr. Hughes? I insist upon an answer, sir."

In a sort of fury Hughes leaped from the music-stool.

"And I insist, Mr. Pybus, upon your dancing with Mrs. Chalmers. I warn you that if you don't you will be morally guilty, not only of murder, but of suicide." He turned to me. "As for you-are you a man? Do you think that it is your life only which is hanging in the balance? I tell you that the only hope for Miss Hammond is to keep her circulating. Do that, and I will answer for it with my own life, that all will yet be well."

"Come, while I can, let me keep you circulating, Maggie!"

It was not often that I called my "rare, pale Margaret" Maggie. But, at that master moment of our lives, I felt that the endearing name was best. She rose, my darling. I put my arm about her waist.

"George, whatever you think it best."

"That's better," said Hughes.

"Now let me see you go it. Give her fits, my boy."

Again he dashed into Mr. Grossmith's popular air. I never heard it played at such a rate before. Possibly with a view of raising our spirits, he shouted out the chorus in a tone of voice which must have been audible quite two streets away. It was deafening!

You should see me dance the polka,You should see me cover the ground;You should see my coat-tails flying-

My coat-tails were anything but flying. We made no attempt at keeping time with Hughes. Under the most favourable circumstances the thing would have been impossible. We moved, Margaret and I, as if we were treading a funeral measure. My legs were going at the knees. I felt her frail frame quivering in my arms.

"Now, then, Pybus," shouted Hughes, "off you go with Mrs. Chalmers. Don't ask her; make her. Pull her off the couch and jump her about!"

Pybus appeared to be endeavouring to persuade Mrs. Chalmers to join him in the mazy dance. The lady had suddenly become still, which, for some reasons, the chief one being the noise which Hughes was making, was perhaps as well.

"How can I pull her off the couch," answered Pybus, "when she's in a fit, or dead, or something?"

Up jumped Hughes.

"Keep going, you two! Don't stop for a single instant. Lucas, everything depends upon your keeping Miss Hammond circulating."

"I can't," I said.

"Nor can I," said Margaret.

The utterances were almost simultaneous. Simultaneously we sank into an ottoman.

"Mrs. Chalmers! Mrs. Chalmers!" shouted Hughes, "Pybus, help me to lift her off the couch. Now, then, you two, what have you stopped for?"

He turned to Margaret and me. Something in our faces or in our attitudes appeared to frighten him. He ran to the door yelling in a manner which absolutely frightened me.

"Brooks! Brooks! Oh, my God, why doesn't the doctor come?"

CHAPTER III

DOCTORS TO THE RESCUE!

Just as he reached the door it was opened. A very tall, and very stout, old gentleman entered. He had a black bag in his hand. But he did not seem to be the least in a hurry.

"Good evening. I trust there is nothing serious the matter."

I suppose that in the agitated state of his nervous system, the stranger's sudden appearance took Hughes by surprise. He stared at him as though he were a ghost.

"Are-are you the doctor?"

"I am the doctor-Dr. Goldsmith."

I had already recognised him as the doctor who lived at the corner of the square. Although I had not the pleasure of his personal acquaintance, I had more than once wondered why he did not try Banting. Leaving off sugar, and butter, and milk, and trying a piece of lemon in your tea, is an excellent method of reducing the flesh. He looked round the room, and bowed-a little vaguely. Then he said, addressing Hughes, whom he apparently took to be the master of the house, "Where is the patient?"

"They're-they're all patients."

This answer seemed to cause the doctor to experience a slight sense of mystification. He placed a pair of gold glasses upon the bridge of his nose. He cast another glance around the room.

"All patients?"

Pybus came forward. Pybus knows everyone.

"How are you, Dr. Goldsmith?"

"How are you, Mr. Pybus? Charmed to see you."

"Whether I am charmed to see you remains to be seen. May I ask-and don't think it's an impertinent question-what you have come for?"

"Come for? I-" The doctor threw a glance of interrogation towards Hughes. "I-someone came to my house and said that I was wanted for a case of-"

Old Pybus laid his hand upon the doctor's arm.

"Case of what?"

"A case of laudanum poisoning."

"Laudanum poisoning!"

"I understood that it was a-" The doctor ceased. Pybus's face had assumed a very singular hue. "I-I hope that I have said nothing-"

"No, you have said nothing. Laudanum poisoning?" He turned to Hughes. "So that is it." And then to me. "So that was 'Aunt Jane's Jalap.' It's-it's rather hard-that a man of my years-should-die of-jalap."

Pybus took a seat. The doctor stared at him.

"Mr. Pybus, I hope that nothing is the matter."