Adventures of Bindle

Charlie Hart was a big man with a heavy moustache, a brow whereon the creases of worry had a perpetual abiding-place, and an indeterminate chin. "Charlie ought to wear a beard," was Bindle's verdict.

"Glad you come, Joe. I'll 'ave time to go over things again. Train don't go till four."

During the next few hours Bindle was once more taken over the salient features of the life of a porter at a block of residential flats. Charlie Hart had no system or order in conveying his instructions, and Bindle saw that he would have to depend upon his own wits to meet such crises as arose.

Mrs. Sedge, Mrs. Hart's mother, would look after those tenants who did not possess servants.

"She's all right when she ain't after 'Royal Richard,'" explained Charlie Hart.

"An' who's Royal Richard?" enquired Bindle with interest.

"Gin!" was Charlie Hart's laconic response.

Charlie enumerated the numbers of the flats, the occupants of which were to be "done for." One thing he particularly emphasised, Number Six was temporarily vacant. The owner was away; but it was let furnished from the following Monday to a Miss Cissie Boye, who was one of those to be "done for." Bindle was particularly cautioned to see that there were no "carryings on," whereat he winked reassuringly.

Mrs. Sedge was a stolid matron, whose outlook on life had reached the dregs of pessimism.

"Oh! don't ask me," was the phrase with which she warded off any attempt at conversation. Hers was a soul dedicated to Royal Richard and silence.

"Cheery little thing," was Bindle's summing up of the gloomy Mrs. Sedge.

Bindle had not been in charge an hour before Number Seven began to get troublesome. He was a choleric ex-Indian civil servant.

"Where's that damned fellow Hart?" he roared, thrusting his head into the porter's lodge.

"'E's gone to the damned seaside," replied Bindle imperturbably, as he proceeded to light his pipe with elaborate calm. "Taken 'is damned wife with 'im," he added.

Number Seven gasped.

"And who the devil are you?" he demanded.

"Well," replied Bindle with a grin, "on the 'Alls I'm Little Tich; but 'ere I calls myself Joe Bindle, known as ''Oly Joe.'"

For a moment Number Seven, his customary redness of face transformed to purple, stood regarding Bindle fiercely.

"Then be damned to you!" he burst out, and turning on his heel, dashed upstairs.

"I ain't lived with Mrs. B. nineteen years without learnin' 'ow to 'andle explosives," remarked Bindle as he settled down to read an evening newspaper he had discovered in the letter box.

Bindle soon discovered that the life of a porter at residential flats is strangely lacking in repose. Everybody seemed either to want something sent up, or came to complain that their instructions had not been carried out.

The day passed with amazing rapidity. At eight o'clock Bindle stepped round to The Ancient Earl for a glass of beer. When he returned at nine-thirty he found his room in a state of siege.

"Oh, here he is!" said someone. Bindle smiled happily.

"Where the devil have you been?" demanded Number Seven angrily.

Bindle looked at him steadily. Having apparently established Number Seven's identity to his entire satisfaction, he spoke.

"Now look 'ere, sir, this is the second time to-day I've 'ad to speak to you about your language. This ain't a peace-meetin'. You speakin' like that before ladies too. I'm surprised at you, I am really. Now 'op it an' learn some nice words, an' then come back an' beg prettily, an' p'raps I'll give you a bit o' cake."

"You damned insolent fellow!" thundered Number Seven, "I'll report you, I'll – "

"Look 'ere," remarked Bindle tranquilly, "if you ain't gone by the time I've finished lightin' this pipe," – he struck a match deliberately, – "I'll 'oof it myself, an' then who'll fetch up all the coals in the mornin'?"

This master-stroke of strategy turned public opinion dead against Number Seven, who retired amidst a murmur of disapproving voices.

"It's 'ard if I can't go out to see a dyin' wife an' child, without 'im a-comin' usin' 'ot words like that," grumbled Bindle, as he proceeded to investigate the cases of the other tenants and their minions.

Number One was expecting a parcel. Had it arrived?

No, it had not, but Bindle would not rest until it did.

Number Twelve, a tall, melancholy-visaged man, had lost Fluffles. Where did Bindle think she was?

"P'raps she's taken up with another cove, sir," suggested Bindle sympathetically. "You never knows where you are with women."

The maid from Number Fifteen giggled.

Number Twelve explained in a weary tone that Fluffles was a Pekinese spaniel.

"A dog, you say, sir," cried Bindle, "why didn't you say so before? I might 'ave advertised for – well, well, I'll keep a look out."

"Wot's that?" he enquired of the maid from Number Eight. "No coal? Can't fetch coal up after six o'clock. That's the rules," he added with decision.

"But we must have some, we can't go to bed without coal," snapped the girl, an undersized, shrewish little creature.

"Well, Queenie," responded Bindle imperturbably, "you'll 'ave to take some firewood to bed with you, if you wants company; coal you don't get to-night. Wot about a log?"

"My name's not 'Queenie,'" snapped the girl.

"Ain't it now," remarked Bindle; "shows your father and mother 'adn't an eye for the right thing, don't it?"

"I tell you we must have coal," persisted the girl.

"Now look 'ere, Queenie, my dear, a gal as wants to take coal to bed with 'er ain't – well, she ain't respectable. Now orf you goes like a good gal."

"It's in case of raids, you saucy 'ound!" screeched "Queenie." "I'll get even with you yet, you red-nosed little bounder! I'll pay you!"

"Funny where they learns it all," remarked Bindle to Number Eleven, a quiet little old lady who wanted a postage stamp.

The little lady smiled.

"She won't be wantin' coal in the next world if she goes on like that, will she, mum?" said Bindle as he handed her the stamp.

"Her mistress has a weak heart," ventured Number Eleven, "and during the raids she shivers so – "

"Now ain't that jest like a woman, beggin' your pardon, mum. Why didn't Queenie say that instead of showin' 'ow bad she's been brought up? Right-o! I'll take her up some coal."

Ten minutes later Bindle surprised "Queenie" by appearing at the door of Number Eight with a pailful of coal. She stared at him in surprise. Bindle grinned.

"'Ere you are, Queenie," he said cheerfully. "Now you'll be able to go to sleep with a bit in each 'and, an' maybe there'll be a bit over to put in your mouth."

"Look 'ere, don't you go callin' me 'Queenie'; that ain't my name, so there," and the girl banged the door in his face.

"She'll grow up jest like Mrs. B.," murmured Bindle, as he slowly descended the stairs, "an' p'raps she can't even cook. I wonder if she's religious. Sort o' zoo this 'ere little 'ole. Shouldn't be surprised if things was to 'appen before Ole Charlie gets 'ome again!" and Bindle returned to his lodge, where, removing his boots and throwing off his coat, he lay down on the couch that served as a bed for the porter at Fulham Square Mansions.

During the next two days Bindle discovered that his duties were endless. Everybody seemed to want something, or have some complaint to make. He was expected to be always at his post, night and day, and if he were not, he was threatened with a possible complaint to the Secretary of the Company to which the flats belonged.

Bindle's fertile brain, however, was not long in devising a means of relieving the monotony without compromising "pore Ole Charlie." He sent home for his special constable's uniform, although he had obtained a fortnight's leave on account of his work. Henceforth, whenever he required relaxation, he donned his official garb, which he found a sure defence against all complaints.

"Well, Queenie," he remarked one evening to the maid at Number Eight, "I'm orf to catch the robbers wot might carry you away."

"I can see you catchin' a man," snorted the girl scornfully.

"Sorry I can't return the compliment, little love-bird," retorted Bindle. "S'long!"

"Queenie" had found her match.

II

"You – er – have a furnished – er – flat to let."

Bindle looked up from the paper he was reading.

A timid, mouse-like little man with side-whiskers and a deprecating manner stood on the threshold.

"Come in, sir," said Bindle heartily; "but I'm afraid it's let."

"But the board's up," replied the applicant.

Bindle rose, walked to the outer door, and there saw the notice-board announcing that a furnished-flat was to let.

"Funny me not noticin' that," he murmured to himself, as he returned to the porter's lodge.

"Was you wantin' it for long, sir?" he enquired.

"A month, I think," was the reply; "but three weeks – "

"I'm sorry, sir," began Bindle, then he smacked his leg with such suddenness that the stranger started back in alarm, his soft felt hat falling from his head and hanging behind him attached to a hat-guard.

"Now isn't that jest like me!" cried Bindle, his face wreathed in smiles.

The stranger eyed Bindle nervously, as he fumbled to retrieve his lost head-gear, looking like a dog endeavouring to ascertain if he still possessed a tail.

"I was thinkin' of the other one," said Bindle. "Yes; there's Number Six to let from next Monday."

"What is the rent?" enquired the caller.

Bindle, who had no idea of the rent of furnished flats, decided to temporise. "I'll go and ask, sir," he said. "Wot was you exactly wantin', an' about wot figure?"

"Well, a bedroom, bath-room, sitting-room, kitchen and attendance, would do," was the reply. "I do not want to pay more than three and a half guineas a week."

"Now ain't that funny!" cried Bindle, and without waiting to explain what was funny, he picked up the key of Number Six from his desk. "Now you jest come with me, sir, an' I'll show you the very place you're wantin'."

Number Six consisted of two bedrooms, a sitting-room, bath-room and kitchen. Charlie Hart had taken Bindle over it, explaining that Miss Cissie Boye, who was entering into occupation on the following Monday, would use only the smaller bedroom with the single bed, therefore the double-bedded room was to remain locked.

The applicant, who introduced himself as Mr. Jabez Stiffson, expressed himself as quite satisfied with all he saw, and agreed to enter into possession on the following Monday afternoon, at a rental of three and a half guineas a week. He appeared mildly surprised at Bindle waiving the question of references and a deposit; but agreed that the smaller bedroom should be kept locked, as containing the owner's personal possessions. Mrs. Stiffson, he explained, was staying with friends in the country, their own house being let; but she would join him on the Tuesday morning.

In the privacy of his own apartment, Bindle rubbed his hands with glee. "If this ain't goin' to be a little story for the Night Club," he murmured, "well, put me down as a Cuthbert."

He persuaded Mrs. Sedge to get both rooms ready, "in case of accidents," as he expressed it. Bindle foresaw that there might be some difficulty in the matter of catering for Mr. Jabez Stiffson; but he left that to the inspiration of the moment.

He looked forward to Monday as a schoolboy looks forward to the summer holidays. He forgot to rebuke "Queenie" when she became impertinent, he allowed Number Seven to swear with impunity, and he even forgot to don his special's uniform and go "on duty"; in short, he forgot everything save the all-absorbing topic of Miss Cissie Boye and Mr. Jabez Stiffson.

On Monday, Mrs. Sedge was persuaded to take a half day off. She announced her intention of putting some flowers on her husband's grave in Kilburn Cemetery.

"Well," remarked Bindle, who knew that Mrs. Sedge's "Kilburn Cemetery" was the public-bar of The Ancient Earl, "you won't want no bus fares."

"You go hon, with a nose like that," retorted Mrs. Sedge, in no way displeased.

"Well, don't be late in the morning," grinned Bindle.

At six-thirty, Mr. Jabez Stiffson arrived with a bewildering collection of impedimenta, ranging from a canary in a cage to a thermos flask.

Bindle put all he could in the double-bedded room, the rest he managed to store in the kitchen. A slight difficulty arose over the canary, Mr. Stiffson suggested the dining-room.

"Wouldn't 'e sort o' feel lonely without seein' you when 'e opened 'is little eyes?" questioned Bindle solicitously. "A cove I knew once 'ad a canary which 'ad a fit through bein' lonely, and they 'ad to throw water over 'im to bring 'im to, an' then wot d'you think, sir?"

Mr. Stiffson shook his head in mournful foreboding.

"'E come to a sparrow, 'e did really, sir."

That settled the canary, who slept with Mr. Stiffson.

It was nearly eight before Mr. Stiffson was settled, and he announced his intention of going out to dine. At ten he was ready for bed, having implored Bindle to see that he was up by eight as Mrs. Stiffson would inevitably arrive at ten.

"I'm a very heavy sleeper," he announced, to Bindle's great relief. "And my watch has stopped," he added; "some dirt must have got into the works. If Mrs. Stiffson were to arrive before I was up – " He did not venture to state what would be the probable consequence; but his manner implied that Mrs. Stiffson was a being of whom he stood in great awe.

Just as Bindle was leaving him for the night, Mr. Stiffson called him back.

"Porter, I'm worried about Oscar." Bindle noticed that Mr. Stiffson's hands were moving nervously.

"Are you really, sir?" enquired Bindle, wondering who Oscar might be.

"The bird, you know," continued Mr. Stiffson, answering Bindle's unuttered question. "You – you don't think it will be unhygienic for him to sleep with me?"

"Sure of it, sir," replied Bindle, entirely at a loss as to Mr. Stiffson's meaning.

Mr. Stiffson sighed his relief and bade Bindle good night, with a final exhortation as to waking him at eight. "You know," he added, "I always sleep through air-raids."

Mr. Stiffson's bugbear in life was lest he should over-sleep. He seldom failed to wake of his own accord; but, constitutionally lacking in self-reliance, he felt that at any moment he might commit the unpardonable sin of over-sleeping.

Bindle returned to his room to await the arrival of Miss Cissie Boye.

It was nearly midnight when his alert ear caught the sound of a taxi drawing up outside. As he opened the outer door, Miss Cissie Boye appeared at the top of the stone-steps.

Bindle caught a glimpse of a dainty little creature in a long travelling coat with fur at the collar, cuffs and round the bottom, a small travelling hat and a thick veil.

"Oh, can you help with my luggage?" she cried.

"Right-o, miss! You go in there and sit by the fire. We'll 'ave things right in a jiffy;" and Bindle proceeded to tackle Miss Boye's luggage, which consisted of a large dress-basket, a suit-case and a bundle of rugs and umbrellas. When these had been placed in the hall, and the taxi-man paid, Bindle went into his lodge.

Miss Boye was sitting before the fire, her coat thrown open and her veil thrown back. Between her dainty fingers she held a cigarette.

"So that's that!" she cried. "I'm so tired, Mr. Porter."

Bindle regarded her with admiration. Honey-coloured, fluffy hair, blue eyes, dark eyebrows and lashes, pretty, petite features, and a manner that suggested half baby, half woman-of-the-world, – Bindle found her wholly alluring.

"I'm afraid we can't get that little picnic 'amper of yours upstairs to-night, miss," he remarked.

Miss Boye laughed. "Isn't it huge?" she cried. "It needn't go up till the morning. I've all I want in the suit-case."

"You must 'ave a rare lot o' duds, miss," remarked Bindle.

"Duds?" interrogated Miss Boye.

"Clothes, miss," explained Bindle.

Miss Boye laughed lightly. Miss Boye laughed at everything.

"Now I must go to bed. I've got a 'call' to-morrow at eleven."

As they went upstairs, Bindle learnt quite a lot about Miss Boye, among other things that she was appearing in the revue at the Regent Theatre known as "Kiss Me Quick," that she never ate suppers, that she took a warm bath every morning, and liked coffee, bacon and eggs and strawberry jam for breakfast.

"You'll be very quiet, miss, in the flat, won't you?" he whispered.

"Sure," replied Miss Boye.

"They're such a funny lot 'ere," he explained. "If a fly wakes up too early, or a bird 'as a nightmare, they comes down an' complains next mornin'."

Miss Boye laughed.

"'Ush! miss, please," whispered Bindle as he switched on the electric light in the hall of Number Six.

Bindle showed the new tenant the sitting-room, bathroom, kitchen, and finally her own bedroom.

"You will be quiet, miss, won't you?" Bindle interrogated anxiously, "or you may wake Oscar?"

"Who's Oscar?" queried Miss Boye.

"You'll see 'im in the mornin', miss," replied Bindle with a grin. "Good night, miss."

"Good night, Mr. Porter," smiled Miss Boye, and she closed the door.

"Now I wonder if anythink will 'appen before Ole Whiskers gets up in the mornin'," mused Bindle as he descended the stairs to his room.

CHAPTER X

THE DOWNFALL OF MR. JABEZ STIFFSON

I

The next morning Bindle let Mrs. Sedge in at her usual time, seven o'clock.

"Now mind, mother," he said, "four eggs and plenty o' bacon an' coffee, Number Six 'as got a appetite; 'ad no supper, pore gal."

Mrs. Sedge grunted. Kilburn Cemetery had a depressing effect upon her.

"I'll take it up myself," remarked Bindle casually.

Mrs. Sedge eyed him deliberately.

"She's pretty, then," she said. "Ain't you men jest all alike!" She proceeded to shake her head in hopeless despair.

Bindle stood watching her as she descended to the Harts' kitchen.

"She's got an 'ead-piece on 'er, 'as ole Sedgy," he muttered. "Fancy 'er a-tumblin' to it like that, an' 'er still 'alf full o' Royal Richard."

Having prepared and eaten his own breakfast, Bindle sat down and waited. At five minutes past nine he rose.

"It's time Oscar an' Ole Whiskers was up an' doin'," he murmured as he stood in front of the dingy looking-glass over the fireplace. "Joe Bindle, there's a-goin' to be rare doin's in Number Six to-day, and it may mean that you'll lose your job, you ole reprobate."

At the head of the stairs of the second floor Bindle stopped as if he had been shot.

"'Old me, 'Orace!" he muttered. "If it ain't 'er!"

Running towards him was Miss Boye in a white silk wrapper, a white lace matinée cap, her stockingless feet thrust into dainty slippers.

Bindle eyed her appreciatively.

"Oh, Mr. Porter!" she cried breathlessly, "there's a man in my bath."

"A wot, miss?" enquired Bindle in astonishment.

"A man, I heard him splashing and I peeped in, – I only just peeped, you know, Mr. Porter, – and there was a funny little man in spectacles with whiskers. Isn't it lovely!" she cried, clapping her hands gleefully. "Where could he have come from?"

"Well, personally myself, I shouldn't call 'im lovely," muttered Bindle. "I s'pose it's only a matter o' taste."

"But where did he come from?" persisted Cissie Boye excitedly.

"'E must 'ave been left be'ind by the other tenant," said Bindle, grinning widely. "I must see into this. Now you'd better get back, miss. You mustn't go 'opping about like this, or I'll lose my job."

"Why! Don't I look nice?" asked Miss Boye archly, looking down at herself.

"That's jest it, miss," said Bindle. "If Number Seven or Number Eighteen was to see you like that, well, anythink might 'appen. Now we'll find out about this man wot you think 'as got into your bath."

Followed by Miss Boye, Bindle entered the outer door of Number Six. As he did so Mr. Stiffson emerged from the bathroom in a faded pink bath-robe and yellow felt slippers, with a towel over his shoulder and a sponge in his hand. He gave one startled glance past Bindle at Cissie Boye and, with a strange noise in his throat, turned and fled back to the bathroom, bolting the door behind him.

"Isn't he a scream!" gurgled Miss Boye. "Oh, what would Bobbie say?"

Like a decree of fate Bindle marched up to the bathroom door and knocked imperiously.

"What is it?" inquired Mr. Stiffson in a trembling voice.

"It's me," responded Bindle sternly. "Open the door, sir, if you please. I can't 'ave you a-frightening this young lady."

"Tell her to go away, and then I'll come out," was the response.

Miss Boye giggled.

"You'd better come out, sir." There was decision in Bindle's voice.

"I'll go into my room," she whispered, "and then I'll come out again, see?"

Bindle did see, and nodded his head vigorously. Miss Boye disappeared.

"She ain't 'ere now, sir," he said, "so you'd better come out."

The bathroom door was cautiously opened, and Mr. Stiffson looked out with terror-dilated eyes.

"Is she really – ?"

"Of course she is," said Bindle reassuringly. "Fancy you bein' afraid of a pretty little bit o' fluff like that."

"But – but – she was in her – "

"Of course she was, she was goin' to 'ave a rinse in there," Bindle indicated the bathroom with his thumb, "when you frightened 'er. Dirty trick a-frightening of a pretty gal like that."

With affected indifference Bindle strolled over to the bathroom, looked in and then stood before the door.

"Look! there she is again!" almost shrieked Mr. Stiffson, dashing for Bindle and endeavouring to get past him into the bathroom.

"There, there, sir," said Bindle soothingly, "you're a very lucky cove, only you don't seem to know it."

"But – but – Mrs. Stiffson – "

There was terror in Mr. Stiffson's voice. On his forehead beads of perspiration glistened.

"What the wife don't see the 'usband don't 'ave to explain," remarked Bindle oracularly.

"But she's in my flat," persisted Mr. Stiffson.

"Oh! you naughty old thing!" cried Cissie Boye. "It's you who are in my flat."

"But I came in last night," quavered Mr. Stiffson.

"So did I – didn't I, Mr. Porter?" She turned to Bindle for corroboration.

"Take my dyin' oath on it, miss," said Bindle.

"But – " began Mr. Stiffson, then stopped, at loss how to proceed.

"Look 'ere," said Bindle pleasantly, "there's been a little mistake, sort of a misunderstandin', an' things 'ave got a bit mixed. You can say it's me wot's done it if you like. Now you'd better both get dressed an' come an' 'ave breakfast." Then turning to Mr. Stiffson he said, "Don't you think o' meetin' your missis on an empty stomach. I'm married myself, an' Mrs. B.'s as 'ot as ginger when there's another bit o' skirt about."

Cissie Boye slowly approached Mr. Stiffson. "You're surely not afraid of little me, Mr. Man?" she enquired, looking deliciously impudent.

That was exactly what Mr. Stiffson was afraid of, and he edged nearer to Bindle.

"But Mrs. Stiffson – " he stammered, regarding Cissie Boye like one hypnotised.

"Oh! you naughty old thing!" admonished Miss Boye, enjoying Mr. Stiffson's embarrassment. "You come into my flat, then talk about your wife," and she laughed happily.

"Now look 'ere, sir," said Bindle, "there's been a little mistake, an' this young lady is willin' to forgive an' forget, an' you ain't a-goin' to 'old out, are you? Now you jest run in an' get rid o' them petticoats, come out lookin' like a man, an' then wot-o! for a nice little breakfast which'll all be over before your missis turns up at ten o'clock, see! You can trust me, married myself I am," he added as if to explain his breadth of view in such matters.

"But I can't – " began Mr. Stiffson.

"Oh, yes you can, sir, an' wot's more you'll like it." Bindle gently propelled the protesting Mr. Stiffson past Cissie Boye towards his room.

"Don't forget now, in a quarter of an hour, I'll be up with the coffee an' bacon an' eggs. You're a rare lucky cove, sir, only you don't know it."

"I'm so hungry," wailed Cissie Boye.

"Of course you are, miss," said Bindle sympathetically. "I'll get a move on."

"Oh! isn't he delicious," gurgled Cissie Boye. "Isn't he a perfect scream; but how did he get here, Mr. Porter?"

"Well, miss, the only wonder to me is that 'alf Fulham ain't 'ere to see you a-lookin' like that. Now you jest get a rinse in your room an' – "