Frivolities, Especially Addressed to Those Who Are Tired of Being Serious

"May I ask, Mrs. Stanham-"

"Sir Tristram!" She threw out her arms towards him with a pretty little gesture. "You have set my heart all beating! You have brought the tears right to my eyes! You are the first person who has called me by my married name."

He moved his hand with a little air of deprecation-as if the thing were nothing.

"May I ask, Mrs. Stanham, if Mr. Thomas Stanham is related to the Duke of Datchet?"

"Related? – Of course he is! – He's his favourite cousin."

"His favourite cousin?" We doubt if she was justified in her use of the adjective, but the simple truth is, she was a dangerous young woman. "I see. The plot unfolds. May I ask, further, if this little comedy was rehearsed in advance?"

"And in my turn may I ask, Sir Tristram, what it is you mean?"

They looked at each other, eye to eye. They understood each other pretty well by the time Sir Tristram's glance dropped down again to the papers on his table. His tone became, as it were, judicial.

"Well, Mrs. Stanham, I have been considering the matter of which you spoke to me this evening, and, having regard to the whole bearing of the case, to the social position of Mr. Thomas Stanham, and so forth, speaking, of course, ex parte and without prejudice, I may say that, as at present advised, if proper settlements are made, the marriage might be one which would not meet with the active disapprobation of the court."

Sir Tristram raised his eyes. The lady shook her head-very decidedly.

"That won't do."

"Won't do? What do you mean?"

"What I say. I'm not going to have Tommy bothered about settlements. I'm settlement enough for Tommy. What you have to do is to sit down and to simply write this: 'My dear Mrs. Stanham, – Speaking as Lord Chancellor, it gives me much pleasure in assuring you, as a ward of the court, that your marriage with Mr. Thomas Stanham meets with my entire and unreserved approval. – Yours faithfully, Tristram Triggs!'" Sir Tristram glowered-he might! But she was undismayed. "You will have to do it, sooner or later-you're a very clever man, and you know you will! – so why not do it at once?"

He did it at once. Actually! Possibly because the whole affair appealed keenly to his sense of humour-one never knows! She read the paper, folded it, and then she said-with such a pout! and with such malice in her eyes! -

"Now you may kiss me again, if you like."

"I am obliged to you, but the costs in the suit have already been too heavy."

"Then I'll kiss you!"

And she did-with some want of precision, just over the right eye. Then she fled to the door. When she was half-way through it she turned, and waved towards him the hand which held the paper.

"You are my guardian, you know."

A Honeymoon Trip

MRS. GODWIN WRITES TO HER MOTHER

"You know, dear mamma, I was against a compartment being reserved. One might as well advertise the fact that one is starting on one's honeymoon. But I was not prepared to find the train so full as it was. Our carriage was crowded, and not with nice people. They played cards the whole way down, and, when one is just beginning one's married life, it was not agreeable to have to listen to some of the language which was used. Conrad was quite fidgety. You know he is most particular. But it was no use speaking. One of the men asked him if he would take a hand. When he observed that he objected to cards being played in a railway carriage, the person replied that he looked as though he did. And then the others smiled. This quite upset him. And, as we were nearing Harwich, he began to feel in his pockets in a way which, I must say, was annoying. I had refrained from speaking to him as much as possible, being unwilling to let the others have a chance of guessing at the situation we were in; but when he stood up and began to turn his pockets inside out, and altogether to upset the other passengers, I did ask him what it was that he was looking for.

"'I can't find the tickets.'

"You know how easily he becomes embarrassed, and how the blood flies to his head. You remember that Geraldine said she thought he must be apoplectic.

"'You put them in your pocket-book.'

"'But that is gone too.'

"'You will find it when you get on board.'

"All the people were staring at him, he was making such a fuss.

"'I should like to find it before I get on board.'

"'Perhaps,' suggested an old gentleman, who was sitting in the opposite corner, 'it's in your overcoat.' Conrad took his coat from the rack and looked to see. It was not there. 'Feel in your pockets again,' suggested the old gentleman.

"Conrad felt. He did not find the pocketbook, but he found something else instead. He produced it with an exclamation. It was the first time I ever heard him swear.

"'Good heavens! It's the key of the safe!'

"His manner was so ludicrous, everybody laughed.

"'My dear Conrad, do sit down!'

"He sat down and stared at me like a man in a dream.

"'But you don't understand. It's the key of the safe. I forgot that I was going to be married, and I brought it away.'

"I do not think that I was ever so much annoyed in my life. After all the pains I had taken to conceal the fact that we were honeymooning, and then for him to blurt it out like that! The other passengers simply roared.

"'This is a nice way of beginning one's honeymoon. I shall have to return to town at once.'

"Of course they laughed again. I was really too annoyed to speak. I sat and tried to look as though I liked it. When he had finished laughing the man who sat next to him stooped and picked up something from the floor of the carriage.

"'Anybody lost a pocket-book?' he asked.

"Of course it was Conrad's.

"'I-I expect I dropped it,' he explained. Then he turned to me. 'I am afraid we shall have to return to town at once.'

"'Don't be silly. We shall do nothing of the kind. I suppose there is a telegraph office at Harwich.'

"Before he had time to answer the train began to slow. I took the management of affairs into my own hands.

"'If you will go and send your telegram I will go on board. But pray don't be long.'

"But he was long. It appears, from what I have since learnt, that the London train was behind its time, and it was a question of missing the tide in the Scheldt. Anyhow, there was a great deal of hurry and scurry, and, as I was wondering what had become of Conrad, someone shouted, 'All on board!' In my agitation I lost my presence of mind. And at that moment I saw Conrad running along the quay in the direction of the boat for Rotterdam. I suppose that, owing to his shortsightedness, and his haste, and the darkness, he mistook one boat for the other. I was tongue-tied in my bewilderment. Before I recovered myself we were moving down the river, and the quay was out of sight. You may imagine my sensations, without tickets, almost without money, a bride without a bridegroom! I asked for the captain. I was told that he was navigating the ship, but I could see him later on. I saw him later on. He came when we had reached the open sea. As he advanced I thought I knew his figure. I felt as though my legs were giving way beneath me-it was Mr. Pearson! The recognition was mutual.

"'Jennie!' he cried. 'Miss Nash!' He looked as though he were dumbfounded. 'This is an unexpected pleasure!'

"'I-I wish to see the captain.'

"'I am the captain. You wish to see me? Come this way!'

"He led the way into his cabin. I followed, speechless. Events were crowding on me, for which I was wholly unprepared.

"'Mrs. Nash is with you?'

"'No, not-my mother. I-I am with my husband.'

"'Your husband!' He gave a start of surprise. 'Oh, indeed, your husband.'

"You know what a big man he is, and his huge beard? I declare that, as he stood and glared at me, I felt positively frightened.

"'That is to say, he was with me, but he has been left behind.'

"'Left behind? Might I ask you to explain?'

"'He went to send a telegram and he mistook the boat, and I'm afraid he's gone to Rotterdam.'

"'To Rotterdam? And you are bound for Antwerp? Ha, ha, ha!'

"He actually laughed, which was a brutal thing to do.

"'And the worst of it is that he has my ticket.'

"'That would be the worst part of it-to you.'

"I knew very well what he meant, though I took care not to let him suspect that I knew it. I did not know what else to do, so I took out my handkerchief and began to cry.

"'Madame la Baronne will excuse me, but I have still some little matters to which I must attend. Doubtless Madame la Baronne will have ceased to weep by the time that I return.'

"He left the cabin. I distinctly heard him bolt the door on the other side. My first impulse was to fasten it upon my side too. But I refrained. He had entirely upset me-what little there was of me left to upset-by addressing me as Madame la Baronne! He evidently took it for granted that I had married the Belgian. I do not suppose that Geraldine will pay the slightest heed to anything I say, but I would earnestly advise her to be exceedingly careful in avoiding complications with men. I know that, as I sat there waiting for Mr. Pearson's return, I wished with all my heart that I had never met any man until I met Conrad-some of them never will understand.

"When he came back I had calmed myself to the best of my ability. There was a tolerable glass in the cabin. I took advantage of it to put myself a little to rights. He entered while I was engaged in doing so. He came in so quietly that the first intimation I had of his presence was seeing his face beside mine in the glass. It gave me quite a shock.

"'Mr. Pearson!'

"I turned. He bowed.

"'Always the same!' he said.

"'I was just looking to see if there was any of me left.'

"'Let me beg of you to take a seat.'

"I sat down. He went to a desk which was at one side of the cabin and sat down too, his back to me. His manners did not strike me as particularly polite. Unlocking the desk, he took something out of it. I tried to make a little conversation.

"'I had no idea, Mr. Pearson, that you had become a captain.'

"He bowed, but said nothing. I tried again:

"'If it is not giving you too much trouble, Mr. Pearson-I am tired, you know-might I ask you to show me to a berth?"

"This time he condescended to face me.

"'Our encounter is of so unexpected a nature that I am sure you will excuse me if for a few minutes I detain you. I can scarcely hope to have so excellent an opportunity again.'

"'I can only say that I am tired.'

"'There are a few matters here in which you cannot fail to take an interest.'

"He turned to the things which he had placed upon his desk.

"'Here is a revolver.'

"He took one in his hand and held it out to me. You know, dear mamma, I am not nervous as a rule, but when he did that a creepy, crawly feeling went all over me.

"'I purchased it to shoot the Baron. It is perhaps as well that he is left behind. I might have used it yet.'

"There was something in his eyes I did not like. In an ordinary case I should have said his language was absurd. But my position was peculiar.

"'You are under a misapprehension, Mr. Pearson. The Baron d'Ardigny is not my husband.'

"'Not your husband!'

"He sprang up with a shout. The revolver clattered to the floor. If it was loaded it was a miracle that it did not go off. 'Not D'Ardigny! Is it possible that you duped him too?'

"'I am at your mercy, Mr. Pearson, and you are, of course, free to use towards me any language which, as a gentleman, may be consistent with your code of honour.'

"'My code of honour! Such words from you! You ruined me-is that not so? You tempted me to desert my ship. When I did so all that you had to say was that the whole affair had been a little joke of yours. They court-martialled me. I was broken. Surely you cannot expect my honour to be more than yours?'

"You know, dear mamma, when I had that scrape with Charlie Pearson I never meant any harm-you know I never did. When he was goose enough to suppose I was in earnest, and actually left his ship to come to me, you remember how annoyed I was? But really, when, on board his own boat, he talked to me in that style I was without a word.

"'May I-it seems absurd when I remember that I used, with your consent, to hold you to my bosom and press your lips to mine! – but may I ask your name?'

"'I am Mrs. Godwin.'

"'So, since the Baron's little affair and mine there has been another. What a quantity of bad language I have wasted on D'Ardigny! Do you know, Mrs. Godwin, when I look at you and think of all that is past, I wonder how I could ever have been such a fool?'

"I tried to smile.

"'You must own that you were a little foolish.'

"'Oh, I was! Undoubtedly I was! Ever to have believed in you!'

"'May I ask if you intend to continue to insult me till we get to Antwerp?'

"'I scarcely know what I intend as yet. I belong to the prehistoric race of man. When I see a woman who deserves to be drowned, I want to drown her.'

"'Holding the position which you do on board, to drown me would be the easiest thing in the world.'

"He merely shrugged his shoulders-and laughed.

"'Do you know what this is?' He took up a piece of paper from his desk. 'This is a lock of your hair. Has Godwin, I wonder, got a lock as well? Possibly, like the pieces of the true cross, it is to be found all over the world. This is a flower which you wore in your bosom at the Yacht Club ball. Before you gave it me you kissed it, so I kissed it too-ah, many a time! You have no conception of what a prize I thought it was. Now I am quite aware that there was not a man in the room who might not have had a similar one for the asking. Do you see this? This was once your shoe. You would scarcely believe that I bribed your maid to give it to me. I flattered myself that on our wedding night I would surprise you with a request to put it on the foot I loved. I suppose I may not presume to put it on to-night?'

"'I imagine, Mr. Pearson, that you are forgetting that I am married.'

"'That doesn't make any difference, does it? I should not have thought it would-to you.'

"You know, dear mamma, that I have the sweetest temper in the world. I never felt inclined to box anybody's ears before, except Geraldine's, and she is sometimes too provoking! but I did feel inclined to box his then. However, I told myself that if he forgot he was a gentleman I would not forget I was a lady.

"'Possibly, Mr. Pearson, it will cause you to keep your remarks somewhat within bounds when I tell you that this is my wedding night.'

"'Your-wedding night!'

"'Yes, my wedding night. I was married to-day.'

"As I thought of it, and of how different was the reality to the anticipation, the tears gushed to my eyes. Some men would have been touched by such a spectacle, but he was not. He began to pace about the cabin, running his fingers through his beard. All at once he began to laugh so violently that I thought he would never stop.

"'This is the best joke I ever heard,' he gasped in the middle of his mirth. 'Do you mean to say that you are starting on your honeymoon?'

"'Yes, I do.'

"'Poor devil of a Godwin! Then there is every prospect of your spending it with me. Never in my wildest dreams did I look forward to such happiness as this. Is there nothing I can offer you in the shape of consolation?'

"'The only consolation you can offer me is to show me to my berth. I am miserable; you know I am! I should have thought that no man, to whatever depths he may have sunk, would have taken advantage of a woman in my situation.'

"By this time my tears were flowing quite profusely. But they made no impression upon him. He recommenced pacing round and round the cabin. He was large, and it was small. His tramp, tramp, tramping, and the general callousness of his demeanour, agitated me to such an extent that I almost feared that I should become hysterical. Just as I began to think that I could not hold out any longer he went to the door and shouted 'Spooner!'

"I supposed he was shouting for the steward. I congratulated myself that after all he had been touched, and that I was to be shown to a berth at last. I was beginning to dry my tears when a hairy object appeared in the doorway. He was so broad in proportion to his height that I at first thought he was deformed.

"'Come in, Spooner.' The man came in. A more unlikely-looking Spooner I never saw. Really, he reminded me of nothing so much as Quasimodo. His face was all covered with hair; even his great hands were hairy. He had a pair of big black eyes, which, added to his other attractions, made him look the perfect picture of ferocity. 'This is my first officer.' Even in my grief I smiled. What could be expected of a crew which had such officers? 'You recollect, Spooner, my telling you about that old sweetheart of mine who broke me?'

"'I do.'

"You know how basses seem to produce their voices from their boots. Mr. Spooner's voice seemed to come from much lower than his boots.

"'You remember my telling you what a jade she was?'

"'I do.'

"'Well, here she is.'

"Mr. Spooner stared at me, as well he might do. For my part I was dumb. Charlie Pearson always had a graceful way of introducing a lady.

"'You remember my telling you about that Baron she jilted me for?'

"'I do.'

"'And how I used to carry a revolver about with me in my breeches pocket so that it might be handy to get a shot at him?' Mr. Spooner nodded his head. 'I used to say that if she married I'd make her a widow within a week. Well, she is married. But it's not to the Baron. It seems that she sent him to the deuce after me. She's married a man named Godwin. I suppose she thinks she can use her husbands like her sweethearts, so she has given him the slip and left him ashore. Think she's got tired of him, eh? Well, she must be pretty smart at tiring-she only married him to-day. She's starting on her honeymoon. This is her wedding night, and she's left the man ashore.'

"Mr. Spooner listened to this without even so much as blinking an eye. He stood staring at me like a great stolid bear.

"'Spooner, I've laid awake of nights wondering when she and I would meet again. I've gone half mad racking my brains, thinking what vengeance I would take. I've asked myself over and over again what I'd do to her if ever I got her in my power. Now I've got her. And I ask you what you would do if you were I?'

"'I'd forgive her.'

"'Forgive her!'

"Mr. Pearson drew a long breath. He looked at Mr. Spooner and then he looked at me.

"'That's a wrinkle. Hang me, I will forgive her! I'll treat her with contempt and let her go. What shall I do with these gimcracks? I've kept them as though they were the richest treasures from Ali Baba's cave. Here's a lock of her hair, here's a rose from her bosom, here's a shoe from her foot, here's a bundle of her letters. You know what's in them, because I've read them to you many a time.'

"These were pleasant things for me to hear.

"'Spooner, what shall I do with these?'

"'Burn 'em.'

"'So I will. Here's the lot. Give 'em to the cook, and tell him to use them in the morning to light his galley fire.'

"He thrust the various articles into Mr. Spooner's hands. You may imagine my sensations.

"Then he turned to me.

"'Now, madam, if you wish it, I will show you to your cabin.'

"I was quite unable to speak. I had never supposed it was possible that I could have been so cowed by two mere men. The truth is, that I was in such a passion that I really was beside myself. I would have given anything to have been a man to have been able to knock him down. He showed me to the cabin, and without a word he left me at the door. When I was inside I clenched my fists and stamped my foot and screamed.

"'My dear child, aren't you well?'

"I looked up. There was an old woman, sitting up in her berth, and looking at me through her spectacles.

"'Stewardess,' she cried. Then to me, 'I wish you'd go and find my husband. My name is Maunders-Griffin. Oh, I am so ill! And tell him that those anti-sea-sick lozenges have not had the least effect. I've eaten them all, and I want some more. Oh!'

"The reaction was so sudden, so extreme, that I was seized with a fit of laughter. It was impossible for me to control myself. I daresay the old woman thought that I was mad. It so exhausted me that I had to drop into a chair to save myself from falling.

"The stewardess advanced.

"'Would madam like a berth?'

"'A berth! No. I-I will go on deck.'

"The atmosphere of the cabin was unbearable; you know what a cabin is at night when it is full of women who are ill. I felt that if I stayed there long I should be ill myself. Besides, under the best conditions, I felt that in the excited state of my brain it would be impossible for me to sleep, so I went on deck.

"It was a glorious night. There was a full moon and cloudless sky. But a stiff breeze was blowing, and one soon became conscious that it bore with it a strong solution of salt spray.

"I paced up and down, trying to calm myself sufficiently to enable me to realise my situation. I suppose that never was a woman more unfortunate. What a wedding night! – that night which is supposed to be the most sacred of a woman's life. To whom was I to turn for advice, with such a captain and such a chief officer? Dear mamma, I am not ashamed to confess that I cried, really and truly cried. I sat down by the side of the ship and quite gave in.

"While I was still crying someone came behind and touched me on the shoulder.

"'If you are not well, don't you think you had better go downstairs?'

"I looked round. An old gentleman was standing behind me. He actually thought that I was sick. I was indignant.

"'Thank you. I am quite well.'

"'I-I beg your pardon. I-I thought you were affected by the motion of the sea.'

"'I am obliged to you. I am never ill on board ship. Never.'

"I think my manner rather startled him. He took off his hat and moved away. You know how I object to people who think they have a right to interfere because they happen to be old-and, generally, silly. It is such stuff. The consciousness that I had crushed him made me feel distinctly better. I sat up and looked at the sea. But as I watched the gleaming waters the old thoughts came back, and, before I knew it, again my eyes filled with tears. It was foolish, but I could not help it. I do not often cry, but I did cry then.

"I daresay I had been making rather a goose of myself-I had been crying a good long time, when again someone touched me on the shoulder. It was once more that absurd old man.

"'If you will take my advice, my dear, you will go downstairs. I am an old man, and take the liberty of addressing you.'

"Fancy calling me 'my dear,' as though I were a child! I stood up and faced him.

"'My good sir, will you leave me alone?'

"He looked at me as though he were trying to find an excuse to begin a conversation. I daresay he would have liked me to make a confidant of him.

"'I am afraid you are in trouble. I don't like to see a young lady crying alone on deck all night, especially such a young lady as you.'

"I looked at him-you know how I can look if I like-and I walked away. I walked up and down the deck, and each time I passed him I looked him full in the face-such a look! He crossed to the other side. The scent of battle was in my nostrils. I crossed too. Then he went downstairs instead of me.

"Dear mamma, I stayed on deck all night. I saw the night gradually brighten. I saw the sun rise. I saw the birth of day. And, dear mamma, you have no idea how cold it was. You remember how cold it was when we saw the sun rise on the Righi? I declare I felt it quite as cold that morning on the boat. It was bitter. I was chilled to the bone. I went downstairs and routed out the steward, and made him get me a cup of coffee. I never enjoyed anything so much. And the state I was in when I looked at the glass! I went to the ladies' cabin and put myself to rights. And there I stayed. It was not nice. But I felt that it would be still less nice to have to return to the deck and meet a crowd of men and encounter Mr. Pearson. I had quite made up my mind what I would do. I resolved that when I reached Antwerp I would first of all wire to you, then go straight to Brussels, and return by the shorter route to England. I would do it if I only had enough money to take me the whole of the way third class. If Conrad wanted me he would find me where he found me first of all-at home. My home, not his.