A Home For Her Baby

She’d told Jake she’d be back in Manchester by early evening but now she was second-thinking her decision. It felt as if she was running away...but from what? No one wanted her here and no one wanted to hear her apologies for something that could never be undone. But was trying to rake up the ashes of the past really the right move?

Sitting down heavily on a kitchen chair she tried to sort things out inside her head but all she could see was Tom’s face. What right did she have to even think about him? Their budding friendship had died along with Bobby. No, she decided, the right thing to do was to keep away from the Roberts family and leave them to grieve in peace. Having her around would just be a grim reminder.

She heard the front door creak open as she gathered up the things she needed to take with her. “Hello!” she called, nerves tingling.

“Are you going somewhere?” Seventeen-year-old Lily Roberts stood in the hallway; her cornflower blue eyes open wide with surprise. “You will be back for Bobby’s funeral though?”

“I...” began Ali. “Well.”

Lily smiled gently, stepping forward to take hold of her hand with the typical naiveté that Ali found so refreshing. She’d met the slightly “different” member of the Roberts family on the very first night she’d stayed at The Fisherman’s Inn, the pub and guest house Grace Roberts ran with help from the rest of the family, and they’d become friends at once. It was Tom who’d eventually explained why his sister was as she was.

Ali had been sitting in the bar with Tom, having one of the chats she had come to enjoy, when Lily, who lived and worked at home, approached to collect the glasses. “Are you going to fall in love with Tom?” she’d asked, looking at Ali with a childlike innocence.

Rather than being embarrassed or annoyed at his sister’s outspoken question as Ali had expected, Tom just smiled indulgently, reaching across to pat her arm. “Lily always says it as it is,” he said. “You’ll get used to it... She’s special, aren’t you, Lil.’”

“Special,” Lily repeated, her pretty face shining with delight, and Ali had thought in that moment that she did look special, kind of fey and otherworldly...like a fairy.

After she’d gone Tom went quiet, but then, as if suddenly coming to a decision, he put down his glass and looked Ali straight in the eye. “Lily’s birth was difficult—” he said slowly, twirling a beer mat between his thumb and forefinger “—because the cord was around her neck her brain was temporarily starved of oxygen. It left her...different from other girls; she’s beautiful and kind and incredibly caring but she’ll remain a child forever. We all have to look out for her.”

He’d looked up at her then, his dark eyes soft with emotion, and for Ali it had been a very special moment. She could see that looking out for Lily was a huge responsibility, always would be, but she also knew without a doubt that he’d never shirk it. When he said that his sister was special he meant it right from the heart. Tom Roberts, she’d decided then, was someone you knew you could always trust.

Seeing Lily here, at the cottage, was a painful reminder of that moment...of Tom. “Does anyone know where you are?” she asked.

Lily shrugged. “Ned was shouting so I just walked away. I don’t like it when people shout. Do you shout?”

“I guess everyone shouts when they get cross or frustrated but some people shout louder than others.”

“I don’t think it was your fault that Bobby got drowned anyway... Do you have any biscuits?”

Ali handed her the cookie jar, a cold hand clamping tightly around her heart. “Does everyone else think it was my fault?”

“Ned does, that’s why he was shouting.”

“And Tom...does he blame me, too?”

Lily shrugged, nibbling her cookie, totally unaware of just how much her answer meant. “Well I guess that everyone kind of blames you really because if you’d done as Tom told you and stayed out of the way then you wouldn’t have fallen overboard and Bobby wouldn’t have tried to save you.”

When Ali’s face fell, Lily smiled. “Don’t worry,” she said softly. “They know you didn’t mean it. Mum says it was just a tragic accident and we shouldn’t lay blame, so does Tom. It’s Bobby’s funeral soon—we’re going to sing him to heaven. Please come.”

“Oh Lily... I’m not sure that I’d be welcome.”

“Bobby would have wanted you there... He liked you a lot.”

For a moment Ali struggled to control a raw burst of emotion. “You really think so, Lily?” she eventually managed.

“I know so because he told me.”

“What...what did he tell you?”

Lily’s forehead puckered. “He told me not to say anything but I guess it doesn’t matter now.”

Reaching out, Ali took Lily’s small, smooth white hands in hers. “Tell me, Lily...please.”

“He said that he was falling in love with you but you didn’t love him back yet...and anyway you were already married... Are you really married?”

Ali nodded. “We’re having a break but...yes, I am still married.”

“So why aren’t you with your husband?”

At Lily’s question, so innocently asked, Ali faltered, struggling for words. She wanted to be as honest as Lily herself but what should she say? “We had some problems,” she eventually managed. “We are on a trial separation right now but we’re going to meet up soon, to talk, you know, about the future.”

“But you won’t go until after Bobby’s funeral?”

Lily’s earnest expression tugged at Ali’s heartstrings. “I...” she began. “I mean... I’m not sure. Ned definitely won’t want to see me there.”

Lily shrugged. “We’re all very sad... Mum says Ned is just lashing out... Please come.”

“Do you think Tom will want me to be there?” she couldn’t help asking.

Lily frowned. “I heard him say to Mum that he wished Bobby had never brought you here... But he did tell Ned that it was an accident and he mustn’t blame you, and that you probably felt bad enough already... So you’ll come?”

“I’ll think about it,” Ali promised. “Now you’d better get off home before someone comes to look for you. They’ll be worried.”

As she watched Lily head off down Cove Road Ali wondered if perhaps she should ring the pub, just in case they were looking for her. Before she could go and get her phone she saw Lily waving excitedly at someone. Tom—it was Tom. Lily pointed back toward the cottage, gesticulating wildly, and Tom followed her gaze. When, just for a fleeting moment their eyes met and held across the distance, Ali’s heart skipped a beat. If only they’d met in another time and place, she thought with a lurch of regret, how different things between them might have been.

* * *

LILY WAS SO pleased to see Tom. “Hi, Tom,” she called, flicking her blond braids back over her shoulders. “I’ve been to see Ali.”

Tom stopped in his tracks, looking toward the row of cottages. “But why would you do that, Lily?” he asked. “And you know you’re supposed to let us know where you’re going?”

“There’s Ali,” cried Lily, ignoring him. “Look, she’s over there, outside her cottage.”

Tom followed her gaze to where Ali stood watching them. She looked lost, he thought with a surge of guilt, and so alone. Perhaps he should have checked on her, just to make sure she was okay. When their eyes met across the distance a heavy sadness turned his limbs to lead. Should he go and talk to her?

No, he decided, it was just too complicated right now; he needed to stay strong for the family and being close to her might cloud his judgment. In fact it really would be easier for everyone if she just went back to where she came from... Deep down though, in his heart of hearts, he knew that he longed for her to stay.

“She’s going away soon,” Lily said, as if reading his mind. “I told her she had to stay for the funeral though.”

“Now why would you do that, Lil?” he asked. “You know Ned won’t want her there.”

“And you, do you want her there? Bobby would and you know it.”

“Oh Lily, life is not quite as simple as you think. We’d all be better off without her around.”

Lily stopped in her tracks, a flood of color turning her pale skin a creamy rose. “I wouldn’t...” she said. “And I don’t think you would either.”

“And where’s she going anyway? She’s taken the cottage for six months.”

“To see her husband I think, they’re having a...a trial...separation.”

“Well...that’s it then,” Tom said, turning determinedly on his heel. “She’s leaving anyway. Come on, let’s go home, everyone’s worried sick about you.”

* * *

WATCHING THEM WALK away together, brother and sister, so close, made Ali aware of just how lonely she was. The dad she’d found too late was gone, following her mother who’d died well over a year ago. So who did she have to care about her... Jake? He wanted to give their marriage another try, but look what he’d done to her before...and had he really changed? Did anyone really change? She’d told him she’d be there tonight but she just wasn’t ready yet.

Picking up her phone she scrolled down to his number, taking a deep breath. “Sorry Jake,” she told his voicemail. “I’m not going to be able to make it after all.”

He rang back almost immediately. “What is it, Ali? Why would you want to stay in that godforsaken spot anyway? I get that you wanted to get away but it’s time to come back to reality now. You’re my wife and we belong together.”

“No, Jake,” she said, sure now that she was doing the right thing. “We don’t belong together anymore, maybe we never did. We’re over—were over the moment you lied and cheated...”

The sound of him slamming down the phone confirmed her intention. Jake would never change.

CHAPTER SIX

TOM WOKE BEFORE 6:00 a.m. feeling like he hadn’t slept at all; sleep didn’t come easy, he realized, when you were burying your brother the following day. He lay in his bed listening to the muffled sounds; thumping, bumping and gurgling water; people getting ready for the day ahead. Seemingly no one had slept easy.

The whole family had stayed at home in the pub, just like the old days. Far from bringing them all together as a family, however, it had just seemed to scream out the fact that Bobby was no longer there. His mother had insisted that they eat together, as they’d always done when they were kids. She’d even set Bobby’s place at the table and that had been tough.

It was Lily who’d lightened the mood with her usual straightforwardness. “Bobby would have hated this,” she declared at the dinner table. “Tomorrow we are going to sing him goodbye and he wouldn’t want us to be sad...so come on, let’s sing now.”

And they had; all of them. They’d sat and sang some of the fishing songs Bobby loved, songs that were a part of the heritage Tom felt had turned against them. He’d found it hard to listen to the words for he couldn’t help but question everything about his existence right now. After they sang, though, they’d talked, really talked, about Bobby, sharing wonderful memories that really meant something; and it had brought a smile back to his mother’s face. She’d made them all promise there and then that tomorrow they would celebrate Bobby’s life and not grieve for his death.

It had seemed so easy a promise to make, but in the gray light of dawn, things felt much different. Still, tomorrow, Tom decided, despite his apprehension, he was going to go fishing again; hopefully Bobby would be with him in spirit and help him to sort out his head.

After a reluctantly eaten family breakfast cooked by his mum, Tom headed back to his cottage by the sea on the pretext that he needed to change; the truth was he needed some solitude to get a grip on things. His steps slowed as he walked past Number Three; was Ali home he wondered? He couldn’t see her car. Or had she already gone back to her husband. No matter, she was long gone from his life and that was a good thing...wasn’t it? It had to be, nothing more to it.

* * *

ALI WAS DRIVING through the village. She passed by so many people, some somberly dressed in black but others making a statement by wearing bright colors to celebrate Bobby’s life. She liked that, she decided, slowing down to let a group of young men in their fishing gear cross the road.

On a whim she pulled over near the village green and parked her car at the side of the road just down from the church. No matter what anyone thought, she decided, she needed to be here.

At eleven forty-five the gathered crowd began filing into the small stone country church. She got out of her car and joined them, slipping in at the very back, head down and hands trembling. A sob caught in her throat as she thought about Bobby, and then she remembered what Lily said. We’re going to sing him to heaven. Will you come?

“Yes, Lily,” she murmured. “I will come.”

“You all right dear?” asked the elderly woman on her right.

Ali nodded dumbly, guilt washing over her; she had no right to be there.

The woman placed a hand on her arm. “It’s good that you came,” she said, a smile lighting up her worn features. “Accidents happen all too often, especially in fishing, and retrospect is just a waste of time. Life’s too short for if-onlys... I should know that. Anyway, it’s brave of you to show your face.”

“Thanks,” Ali said. “I realize that everyone around here knows I was on the boat when it happened and I thought everyone would be against me...so your support really means a lot. I’m not brave though. I just had to come because I owe it to Bobby...to say goodbye.”

“Well I’m sure he appreciates it... In fact, who knows, perhaps he’s watching us right now.”

“Do you really believe that?” Ali asked.

Her question was drowned out by the ripple of music that announced the family’s arrival and the entire congregation peered around discreetly. Four members of Search and Rescue, including Ned, carried the gleaming oak coffin on their shoulders, and behind them, walking slowly, his gray head bowed, was Jed Roberts; his wife leaned heavily on his arm, her face pale and drawn.

It was Tom, though, who took Ali’s attention. He looked straight ahead, his jaw set and his eyes dark with emotion as he held on tightly to his sister’s arm. True to her word, determined to make it a celebration, Lily wore a beautiful pale blue dress and had flowers in her hair. Holding her slender form as tall as she could she walked determinedly next to Tom, swaying slightly; her delicate features held an ethereal quality, as if she were one of the angels in the stained-glass windows.

When the family group were almost at the front of the church, Lily turned and peered inquisitively around her. Her gaze fell on Ali and she gave her a dazzling smile of welcome.

“Now that little lass has the right idea,” murmured Ali’s companion. “She’s celebrating his life.”

A myriad of emotions flooded the church as the beautiful service unfolded, especially when Tom and Ned stood up together at the front and talked from the heart about Bobby, bringing him back to life with recollections of their childhood, growing up in Jenny Brown’s Bay. Their memories swung from moving moments to floods of hilarity. As the congregation laughed and cried as one, somehow it helped. The hymns and songs the family had chosen were beautiful, ranging from “All Things Bright and Beautiful” to one of Bobby’s favorites, a bawdy fishing song. Ali joined in with the others, singing her heart out, and felt somehow cleansed. Bobby wouldn’t lay blame; that was one thing she was sure of.

When the service drew to a close, a profound silence filled the church, just before the family slowly filed out after the coffin. Tom looked so regal in his dark suit, so strikingly handsome and so very, very sad that Ali longed to just go to him and offer...what? He looked up as he passed her and caught her eye, holding her gaze as if expecting to find something there. Emotion flickered in his dark eyes and her whole body trembled; she couldn’t stay here, in Jenny Brown’s Bay, even if she wanted to, for she’d be a constant reminder to the Robert’s family, a knife in their wound.

When she watched him walk by, tall and straight and so...honest, she felt lost and alone. Being close to Tom was unbearable, for if she was honest with herself she knew that she wanted way more from him than he could give, and she had no right to anything.

Straight to the point as usual Lily had asked her outright why, if she was still married, she wasn’t with the husband.

And she realized Lily was right. So perhaps it was she who was lacking. Maybe she just wasn’t the kind of woman who could ever maintain a real relationship. She should focus on her career now. That’s what she needed to do. Journalism had meant everything to her once, after all.

Then she’d met her dad again and realized just how important family really was and how empty her life had become. Even her marriage had been almost a convenience that fit in around both she and Jake’s careers; perhaps that was why it had gone so wrong. Meeting and getting to know her dad had made her realize what she’d missed, made her see that if only her mum had been less bitter things could have been so different. Now it was time for her to back track and rethink everything.

Walking slowly out of the church without looking back, she cut along the edge of the graveyard and headed toward her car, trying to think of anything other than Bobby and Tom and all the pain she’d caused.

As she opened the driver’s door she sensed someone behind her.

“Ali...” came Lily’s voice. “Don’t go.”

With a heavy sigh she turned to see Tom’s sister standing forlorn in her beautiful dress.

“Your singing was beautiful, Lily,” she said. “You did Bobby proud.”

Lily beamed at her. “Thank you. Please don’t go.”

Ali shook her head slowly. “I have to, Lily. I’m in the way here.”

“But you will come back?”

Ali gave her a hug, holding her close. “I’ll try, Lily, I really will try.”

CHAPTER SEVEN

TOM WASN’T SURE exactly why he felt so empty inside when he saw Lily saying goodbye to Ali. After everything that had happened he should be glad to see the back of her, angry even that she’d dared to stick around.

When Ali held out her arms, hugging Lily close, Tom let out a sigh. She was wrong for him for so many reasons, quite apart from the stark fact that she’d caused his brother’s death. Anyway, there was no place in his life for a relationship right now Bobby drowning at sea had substantiated that fact. A fisherman’s life was way too unreliable and dangerous to expect any woman to share it.

It was good that Ali was leaving. Being around her held way too many complications... So why then did he still feel a sense of loss? There was just something about her he supposed...the way she held her head...the way her eyes crinkled at the corners when she smiled, and her intensity. Never had he met a woman so resolute about what she wanted...like the way she’d insisted on joining their ill-fated fishing trip. Her warm brown eyes had flashed with streaks of flame when they’d had their disagreement about that. Oh how he wished now he’d tried harder to stop her.

There again, he decided, maybe things happened for a reason and that was just how it was meant to be... Fate, he supposed it was. Something deep inside him wished that fate would bring her back one day. Common sense told him to be glad she was leaving.

* * *

IT WAS STRANGE to be driving through the city again, thought Ali. Car horns honking, people scurrying by, pale distant faces. Life was just so different in the country, particularly by the sea where the rhythm of the tide seemed to take over everything.

The town hall clock began to chime, shaking her from her reverie, one...two...three...four...five. She’d booked a hotel for a few days, close to the city center and the offices of the paper where she worked...or used to. Being self-employed she’d traveled around a lot but The Times had given her most of her work and Jason, the editor and her longtime friend, had been only too pleased to have a meeting with her when she’d rung him earlier. Nosing her way through the traffic she eventually found a parking place and with a relieved sigh she pulled her bags out of the trunk, locked her car and headed for her hotel. It was good to be back in the city, she told herself determinedly as she unlocked the door of her room and collapsed on the bed; hopefully being so far from Jenny Brown’s Bay would help her see her situation more clearly.

She ordered sandwiches in her room for dinner and went to bed early hoping that at last she might be able to get a good night’s sleep. Beyond her window the flickering lights and bustling sounds of the street made that impossible. She tossed and turned, longing for the gentle swish of the sea or even the moaning cry of the wind.

Jenny Brown’s Bay did seem like a million miles away, distancing her from the horror she’d left behind there. But was this really the answer, she asked herself, the way to get past what had happened...or was she just hiding from it? One thing she did know was that she missed the peace and tranquility of her cottage...missed it with an aching loneliness.

Ali finally gave up on trying to sleep at around five thirty and quickly washed and dressed, heading out into the city. Homeless people were waking up in doorways and under bridges, getting ready to face another day of struggling to survive. When she’d lived in the city she hadn’t really taken much notice of the early morning activity, now she found it sobering.

A young lad with lank greasy hair and shadows under his eyes crept up to her, holding out his hand. “Give us a break miss,” he said, his voice thin and reedy.

Ali delved into her purse and pulled out a handful of notes. “Promise me you won’t spend it on drugs,” she said.

“Don’t do drugs,” responded the boy. “Thanks miss. This money’ll get me back home.”

Feeling good about helping him Ali headed back to the hotel to get ready for her meeting with Jason. Maybe things would look up, she decided, as she showered and changed; maybe this was a new start.

By ten thirty she was out in the street again, dressed in a smart navy suit and heels; her shoes tip-tapped along the pavement as she headed toward the café where she was meeting Jason for coffee and a chat. She felt businesslike and professional, just like she used to before her priorities changed.

She saw the boy as she hurried across the street when the lights switched. He was just a blur in the corner of her eye but it was definitely him, handing money to a shifty looking man who passed him something in return. When she looked back they’d gone but she knew it had been the homeless lad from early that morning.

Stopping in the midst of the hustle and bustle of the street she shuddered deep inside, her freshly restored confidence draining away. All she’d done with her misplaced sense of benevolence was to push the lad more quickly down the road to nowhere. Now he could buy his drugs and maybe even die in a gutter tonight...so perhaps she’d killed him, too.

Ali didn’t hear Jason calling her name until he was standing right in front of her, tall and solid and comfortably familiar; they went back a long way, she and Jason, both as work colleagues and friends. “Ali,” he cried. “You were miles away and you look as if you’ve seen a ghost... Come on, I’ll buy you that coffee and you can tell me all about it.”

Ali sipped her cappuccino slowly, still trying to process what she’d seen.

“So...” Jake asked. “Are you going to tell me what’s up or is this purely business?”

Putting down her cup she looked up at him, smiling. “Sorry...right now it was about me taking pity on a homeless boy this morning and giving him way too much money. I just saw him now though, down a side street, obviously buying drugs, and it sickened me... I thought I was helping but I’ve probably just made his situation worse. What if he ODs and it’s my fault?”

Jason laughed. “Oh Ali, you really have been out of the city for too long. You can’t help people like that. They’re on a road to destruction I’m afraid. I see it every day when I’m driving home.”