Holiday Jokes

A man went to Italy on holiday and died of wine, women and song. He was serenading a married lady under her balcony and her husband came out and hit him over the head with a bottle of Valpolicella.

An elderly couple arrived in a holiday resort for a week’s holiday without having made any hotel reservations. They called in at the resort’s top hotel and asked for a room. ‘I’m sorry,’ said the receptionist, ‘but it’s the height of the season. We’re almost completely booked up – the only thing I could offer you is the Bridal Suite.’

‘The Bridal Suite!’ exclaimed the old gentleman. ‘But we’ve been married for forty-five years!’

‘So what?’ said the receptionist. ‘If I offered you the ballroom, would you have to dance?’

Tour guides in Europe are certainly keen on tips. They are the only people who can clear their throats in seventeen different languages.

A man was taking his very first holiday cruise and was spending most of the time draped over the ship’s rails – probably the first man to cross the Atlantic by rail.

A sympathetic steward who happened to be passing said, ‘Cheer up, sir – nobody ever died of seasickness!’

‘For God’s sake don’t say that!’ groaned the man. ‘It’s only the hope of dying that’s keeping me alive!’

A Texas millionaire took his wife on vacation to Miami Beach. The wife went down to the beach alone one morning and when her husband strolled down to join her about an hour later he noticed a large crowd at the water’s edge. ‘Say, what’s going on here?’ he asked.

‘They just pulled some woman out of the water,’ said a bystander.

Pushing his way through the crowd, the Texan saw that the woman was his wife. She was lying stretched out on the beach with a lifeguard crouched over her. ‘What are you doing to my wife?’ the Texan yelled.

‘I’m giving her artificial respiration,’ said the lifeguard.

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