I Need You

Maybe it was, but it was a good way to vent everything I felt. I growled at him, snarling.

He laughed openly, but then he bent and––

Frick! The guy picked me up like a fireman, so I dangled over his massive shoulder. My belly revolted. “Billy! Billy!”

He started walking back up the beach, in the direction of our apartments.

“Billy!”

Nausea rolling through me, I smacked his ass with my sandals. “Billy put me down, I feel sick!”

He still didn’t.

“Billy!”

He just kept walking, laughter rumbling in his chest. “I’m sorting you out once and for all girl.”

A guy we passed gave me an odd look. Billy was flashing my panties at the other people on the beach.

“Put me down! I’m gonna be sick, Billy!” I screamed this time. He didn’t stop. My belly lurched. “If you don’t, I’m gonna be sick all down your back!” I was desperate now.

He stopped. I think he’d got the message.

He slid me off his shoulder, lowering me carefully.

I didn’t stop to rant. I was going to be sick. Oh, I felt bad.

I turned and ran. My head pounded out a message that I’d drunk too much.

I really was gonna be sick.

When I got to my apartment, I swiped my key, shoved the door open and ran for the bathroom.

When Billy came in, I was on my knees leaning over the toilet bowl. Happy pills, cocktails and being tipped upside down really didn’t mix.

“You okay? Dumb question, you’re obviously not. Shit.” He turned, filling a glass with water as I kept retching.

His hand settled on my back when I finished. Then there was a tumbler of water in my hand. I didn’t drink it. I was sweating and shivery and I felt awful. He took it back out my hand and put it on the floor. Then as I just collapsed over the toilet bowl, he sat on the bathroom floor across the room, with his back against the tiles.

“Lindy?”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk.

“Are those your pills?” He was looking up at a shelf over the sink.

I grunted and was sick again.

He got up, picked them up looked at how many were there and then read the packet. “You’re not meant to drink alcohol with these…”

Yeah, I knew that. My head had a hammer in it reminding me, and I was throwing up in the pan.

When I finished this time, there was a cold washcloth pressed into my hand. “I’ll stay in your room tonight. Make sure you’re okay.”

I didn’t say anything. I felt too sick to care.

Lindy

When I woke the sunlight in the room hurt my eyes and I blinked a dozen times. Billy had picked me up in the bathroom and carried me to bed last night. I must have fallen asleep leaning on the toilet.

He came into focus. He sat on the bed, wearing the same cargo shorts and t-shirt.

“Can I have a glass of water?”

“Here.” There was one beside the bed. He just reached for it and handed it to me as I sat up.

I sipped it, watching him.

“You talk in your sleep.”

“Great. What did I say?”

Not answering, he got up and pulled his cell out of his back pocket, looking at something on it, as his thumb moved the screen and kept tapping it.

“Billy, what are you doing?”

“Give me a minute.” He didn’t look at me.

I sat up properly, sipping the water again. He still didn’t look at me. “What, Billy?”

“I said give me a minute…”

A smile touched my lips. We could argue, and we had argued, but there had never been anything underlying or hidden between us, well not until we’d done it in his SUV. But even then, he’d still met up with me a couple of days later, and we’d still got on okay. With Billy you got what you saw.

Since Jason had dumped me, I’d spent hours wondering how long he’d wanted to dump me. He’d gone to New York to get away from me. But he hadn’t had the balls to tell me… Last night Billy had come right out and told me how he’d been feeling––

“Here.” He threw his cell on the bed and pointed at it. “I’m gonna go down to the gym. You take a look at that.” His cheeks were scored with pink, like he was embarrassed.

“Billy?”

“You’ve been moaning half the night about how bad sex is. That’s your answer.”

“What?”

“I looked up a website for you. How to jerk yourself off. You don’t need a guy, Lind. Learn to do it yourself.”

Oh my God. “Billy!” That was crazy. Now my cheeks burned. I put the water down. “What did Jason tell you?!”

“Jason didn’t tell me anything. You said it all in your sleep, and last night.”

“Liar. He told you I’d never had one didn’t he?” There was a mirror on the wall across the room. I caught sight of my face. My makeup had run. I looked awful. I hated seeing myself in mirrors.

“Jason didn’t say anything! I told him you hadn’t wanted to do it with me, you’d been thinking of him. That’s all.”

Frick… could he make me more embarrassed? It was like being whipped. “And Jason, said!”

Billy bent down his hands settling on the mattress either side of me, his dark-blue gaze striking mine. “I swear, he never said anything. But his eyebrows lifted. So after your night’s babbling I guess it wasn’t much better with him…”

I was gonna slap him, but he caught my wrist. “Lind, leave off the slapping or I’ll tip you over my shoulder again and this time I’ll just throw you in the shower to cool your temper down.”

But I had good reason to be angry. “I can’t believe you two were talking about me!” I tried to yank my arm free but he wouldn’t let go. “Billy!”

I pulled again and nearly fell back when he let go. He caught my arm again. ”Lindy. I looked it up so you don’t have to. I didn’t want you to come across anything you wouldn’t want to see––”

“And how do you even know where to find shit like that?”

“I’m a guy. We pretty much covered every type of porn on our cells at high school.”

“I’m a guy…” I mocked.

He let my arm go. “Whatever, Lind. You can look at it or not. I’m going down to the gym. Then I’ll have a shower and knock for you, okay?” As he turned away, his fingers ran through his hair, then immediately ruffled it to re-spike it. That stupid leather bracelet I’d made at high school shifted on his wrist.

Was he implying I did it now?

“I’ll see you later.” He said from the door, glancing back.

This was too weird.

The door shut.

I got up, running away from his cell, that lay on the bed.

Why did he think I’d do that?

When I faced the bathroom mirror, it wasn’t me I looked at. My makeup had smeared around my eyes.

I shut them.

What the frick must Billy think? In 24 hours he’d seen me soaked in salt and sand, throwing up and then like this…

I turned away from the image, stripped off and got in the shower.

The water was warm and it teemed down over my head, washing all my pain away for a few moments.

Truth hurt.

What Jason had told Rachel was true.

I’d never had any pleasure from sex. We’d just done it. Or rather I’d let Jason do it. Boys wanted to do that stuff. It had always just felt uncomfortable to me. Lying there and trying to feel things that I really didn’t. I’d thought it was like that for everyone––until I’d seen him with Rachel.

The guy who was supposed to be mine… my support… my defender… my hero… Had humiliated me and told his new girl I was bad in bed.

But since I’d talked to the counselor I’d realized I’d been piling all my anger on Jason, when most of it was nothing to do with him. It was only fate and I’d pushed him away, probably, because I’d been too busy fighting all the insecurity and pain I was at war with. I knew that––when I was honest with myself.

I’d been relying on him for everything, and not let him rely on me.

I toppled back against the tiles. Tears came again and anger gripped at me. I’d spent so many months wrapped up in anger. I wanted to smash the room up; smash the world up. Because the world was cruel.

I switched the shower off and wrapped myself in the towels. Then went back into the bedroom and threw myself down on the bed.

Billy’s cell stared at me.

I ignored it for ages. But it started shouting at me to just pick it up.

I did.

When I tapped the screen, it opened on the website he’d looked up.

Trying not to think, or judge, or fear this, I scrolled through what it said.

The demonstrations made my skin crawl; that was why teenage boys looked this shit up. Heat burned in my skin as I watched, trying not to overthink.

Oh my God.

Chapter Four

Billy

Lindy’s eyes sparkled in the white light when she walked into the gym.

I pressed the weights back up, the bite gripping in my arms and chest. I’d taken my tee off because I’d got hot. I’d turned the air con up too.

Her eyes dropped to my tattoo. She’d never seen my leopard.

“I didn’t know you had that.”

I set the bar back onto the brackets, then slid out from underneath it and sat up, breathing hard. I picked up my tee and wiped the sweat off my brow, then my chest. Lindy’s gaze followed the movement of the cloth.

“I had it done here, last summer, when we left college.”

“It’s beautiful. I like it.”

My lips twisted in a bitter smile. I’d had the thing done out of anger. It was a little like self-harm. The leopard looked like it climbed one side of my chest, scratching my shoulder, leaving scores of blood. Another claw cut into my belly and the other on my side, while its tail flicked up and curled around to my back. It was in memory of a girl, without having her name as a giveaway mark. The girl was Lindy.

I’d been angry with her. No, that was a lie. I’d been angry with myself for not being able to stop wanting her.

Her gaze followed the path of the leopard, dropping down to my abs. Then she looked up at my face.

“Your cell rang.” She held it out.

“Who?”

“Jason.”

Shit. Well she looked like she’d been playing with herself and that must have brought her down to earth with a bump.

I took it from her hand, then pulled up the missed calls. Sure enough Jason’s number was there. I called the messages.

“Hey, Billy. You’ve disappeared, I was gonna ask you to go out for a drink again but your mom said you’d gone out of town. Everything okay?” I deleted the message. I didn’t call back. I’d catch up with him when Lindy and I got back.

“How are you?” I asked her.

“Okay. Have you finished?”

“If you want me to be finished?”

She’d showered, blow-dried her hair and put her makeup straight. The white sleeveless tee she had on was a little sheer. I could see the green halter-neck bikini top she had on underneath it through the cotton and she was wearing shorts that showed every curve of her legs off. I did like her legs.

“What do you want to do?”

Her arms had crossed since she’d handed me the cell, and now she shrugged.

“We can go down to the beach and lie in the sun, or go down to the pool and swim…”

“I liked the beach yesterday. Let’s go back down to the beach.”

“Well, you’re gonna have to give me time to shower.”

“Are you going back up to your room?”

“Yeah, I need clean clothes as well as a shower, unless you want a companion who stinks.”

She smiled with a sudden look of warmth catching in her eyes, the Lindy of happiness and high school shining through; the one who had somehow got lost in the last couple of years.

I stood up, wiping my face with my tee again. Then met her gaze.

“So did you?”

That question had been tumbling around in my head for an hour and more. Asking it kicked me in the belly and sent a jolt of lust to my cock.

I’d been exercising with an uncomfortable condition, thinking about her––up in her room… Imagining. I shook my head, I probably shouldn’t have asked.

She didn’t answer anyway.

She turned away, acting like I hadn’t asked the question, but as she did, her skin turned red.

I’d lay a bet she had. And that made my condition worse; blood pulsed into my cock.

But she could just be embarrassed I’d mentioned it. That would be like Lindy too.

My fingers combed through my hair. Then I caught my image in the mirror and ruffled my hair so it spiked again.

A part of me wondered if I’d brought her here not to make amends but to try and win her. Maybe I had been kidding myself that I was able to just let her go at last.

Whatever, I was still turned on, even though she wasn’t turned on by me. Well that was the suicide sentence I’d been living for years––watching her with Jason.

I followed her upstairs, but she didn’t talk until she got to her room. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah.” I nodded at her before going into mine.

I sorted myself out in the shower, jerking off as the water streamed over me, and ah, shit, the images playing through my head were her, lying on her bed and doing the same, holding my cell.

When I got dressed, I pulled my cut-offs on over my swim shorts, rubbed my hair with a towel to dry it a little, then slicked it up with styling wax, before pulling on a dark-blue tee. I locked my cell and wallet in the room safe, grabbed a zip sweat top and threw it on as I left the room.

When I knocked Lindy’s door, it opened straight away. “You took your time.”

I grinned at her, heat burning in my cheeks. My turn to be embarrassed. “You ready?”

She blushed too then. “Yeah, I’ll get my backpack.”

This was gonna be one long day of awkward. My hands slid into the front pockets of my cut-offs. I had a rolled blanket under my arm that I’d got out of the SUV for us to sit on.

We didn’t talk walking down to the beach. My brain couldn’t come up with any right stuff to say and she didn’t have anything to say. But then there was the whole choosing where we sat: dry sand that was uneven, or on the flat wet sand. The breeze rolled in with the ocean whipping up a mini sandstorm.

We picked dry sand.

“I’ve got more blankets in the SUV and tent poles. Why don’t I make a den? We can pen ourselves in, out of the breeze, if we’re gonna sit.”

“Okay.”

I handed her the blanket. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

She was standing in the same place when I got back. Just staring out at the ocean, looking uncomfortable.

“I’m cold.” She looked at me, hugging the blanket to her chest.

“It’ll be warm inside our den. It’s like a cocoon.” When I smiled, she smiled back at me. “Go on, throw the blanket out and I’ll build the den around you.”

I positioned the tent poles in a square around the blanket she sat on and taped four blankets on them, with duct tape, making a little wall around us that would keep the breeze and sand out. I’d been to California once, with my family, years ago, beaches were warm there… Not here…

She laughed at me, “You’re crazy. Have you done this before?”

“Not four-sided, but yes I’ve built them before for myself if the wind’s whipping sand at you.”

“Did you and Jason build dens when you were kids?”

I smiled at her as I taped the last blanket up. “Yeah.”

She laughed again.

There were only a few people about on the beach. Some flying kites and playing ball.

Climbing into our new den, I grinned as I dropped to sit on the blanket next to her.

She slid her backpack off her shoulder. Then her knees bent up as she leaned forward and gripped her ankles. “You’re right, it’s warm down here out of the breeze.”

“I’m always right.”

She glanced at me, turned pink and then looked away.

I undid the button on my fly.

Lind caught the movement and blushed again…

Yep, today was going to be a whole ton of awkward.

I smiled to dismiss her insecurity as I stood up to unzip my cut-offs. When I let them drop, she looked away.

“If I’m here to get some sun, I’m getting some sun.” I stripped off my sweat top.

She looked at me again. “It’s still cold, even in here.”

“Don’t be feeble.” I gripped the hem of my tee and pulled it up and off.

She was bright red as she turned to her backpack and started delving in it.

I lay down on my belly next to her.

“Do you want screen.” She held out a tube of sun screen.

“Trust you to come with protection.”

Another blush.

She so had.

Shit, my cock twitched, right at the moment her cold hand touched my back.

She hadn’t waited on my agreement. But I wasn’t complaining. Her touch was gentle and careful.

When she’d finished, she threw the screen on top of her backpack and lay down next to me, still fully clothed.

I turned my head to look at her, resting my cheek on my crossed arms. She was on her back and she’d shut her eyes. “Aren’t you gonna strip down to your bikini?”

Her head turned. “No, it’s cold, and I don’t like to strip off.”

“You’re weird. Nearly every girl I know would freeze to get a tan.”

“Yeah, well I’m not every girl.”

Yeah, I did know that, but she was weird sometimes. “Get your shorts off, get your top off, and get some sun on your skin. It’ll make you feel better.”

She rolled onto her belly, mirroring my posture, with her arms folded and her cheek on the back of her hands as she looked at me. “No.”

I frowned at her. “Come on, take your stuff off.”

“No, I really don’t want to.”

“Why?”

“Billy, don’t push me.”

“No, the more you refuse, the more you make me think there’s something wrong. What’s wrong with taking your stuff off.”

“I hate my stomach!” she growled at me, rolling onto her back and then sitting up.

Frick. I laughed.

The flat of her fist hit my shoulder.

“I thought we’d covered stopping the violence last night…”

She poked her tongue out at me, but there really was anger in her eyes.

I turned my head to rest my forehead on my crossed arms. “Lind, your stomach is fine.”

“I don’t feel comfortable.” Her pitch rang with annoyance.

I looked at her again. There was nothing wrong with her! “Lind. Take your fucking stuff off. You’ve got a gorgeous body.” Perhaps I shouldn’t be admitting I thought that, but whatever. “Just take it off. You look thinner than 90 percent of the women in this town!”

“Billy!” That was a reprimand to keep my voice down.

“Just take your stuff off and lie down!”

She’d turned bright red and my guess was it was through anger as much as embarrassment. Glaring at me she gripped the hem of her sweat top, and as it turned out her sleeveless tee, ‘cause when she pulled it up, she pulled both off and threw them on top of my head. So I couldn’t see her.

When I moved them off, she’d lain down again, and her shorts weren’t off but she must have undone them, because they were pushed down to where her bikini bottoms were. I could see the emerald-green line.

Cock twitch.

She was not overweight. “There’s nothing wrong with how you look.”

Her head turned, her cheek resting on her folded arms, as her blue eyes stared at me.

“Like yourself,” I whispered. “That’s half your trouble, you don’t.”

Tears glittered in her eyes. She shut them.

“Shall I rub some screen into your back?”

She nodded without opening her eyes.

I smiled as I got up to get the screen. She didn’t move.

I grabbed the tube and straddled her thighs.

“Billy!” she squealed as I squirted the cold cream on her back.

“Just lie still and shut up.” I laughed.

“That’s so cold,” she breathed.

“Now you know how I felt.” She didn’t really, ‘cause I’d been aroused. Something she hadn’t ever been around me.

I pulled her bikini top loose at the back so the strap wasn’t in the way. Then I rubbed the cream in with both hands, sliding my palms up the gorgeous curve of her back and then over her shoulders, and along her arms to her elbows, before running them all the way down to start again as her soft skin absorbed the cream.

She jumped a little as my hands started running upward again.

Her backside wobbled against my groin. I loved it. Cause I loved her. The girl was mad thinking she didn’t have a good figure.

I tied her bikini top up again and smacked the first curve of her ass, before I climbed off of her. She squealed again. “Billy!”

“Lindy!” I mocked, rolling onto my side, leaning up on my elbow to watch her and talk. Her head turned to me, her cheek resting on her crossed arms.

Halleluiah, the girl actually had a shallow smile on her lips.

“You do look good, you know. I’m not just saying it, and I’m not kidding. Didn’t Jason ever say how hot you look.”

Her smile fell and her head turned away.

“Didn’t he?”

“He dumped me for Rachel. You’ve seen how skinny she is. So whatever he did say wasn’t true, was it?”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, and he was with you for years… He loved you, Lind. The thing with him and Rachel isn’t about looks; it’s just chemistry.”

Her head turned to me again. But she didn’t say anything.

“So did you?” I whispered to try and break her bad mood.

“Billy,” she hissed at me, but she said it with another smile, before looking away.

I grinned. I was sure she had.

I turned onto my back. “Put some sun screen on my chest.”

She looked back and didn’t move for a moment, but then sat up, and now I could see her body better. Her breasts swayed in the halter-neck bikini top and her nipples had come up in peaks under the cloth. There was nothing about her that turned me off.

She squirted the cold cream on my belly. “Ah” My body jolted and I laughed.

“You could do this yourself, you know.”

“I know, but it’s so much more fun when you do it.”

There was a twisted smile on her lips, that she hid by looking down to watch her hands move over my skin.

“How many hours do you work out?”

“Why?”

“Cause you are one big ball of muscle, Billy.”

“I’m a personal trainer. I spend all day working out, Lind.” I watched her face, hidden beneath a curtain of blonde hair, as her fingers ran down to my belly, exploring my abs.

“And this little cut above your hips, how do you get that?”

I laughed. “A guy’s secret.”

Her fingers ran right up and over my shoulders then down my arms, like I’d done to her. “Your biceps are huge.”

I shut my eyes and chuckled, just reveling in her touch. “Nice to know you’re impressed with my guns.”

“Only a little.” Her hands left me, and the sun-screen tube hit my belly.

I laughed, turning to my side as she lay on her back next to me.

My gaze skimmed down her body. “Well, if you measure that by how I feel about your belly, you can shut up complaining about being overweight.”

She thumped my shoulder, but she was smiling and laughing, a little.

Lindy

Billy’s long black eyelashes framed the gleam in his eyes. Emotion gripped in my chest as my gaze caught the dark blue.

He’d always been good at making me laugh. Always.

I smiled at him, shaking my head, then rolled on to my belly and rested my head on my folded arms. He settled in the same position beside me, looking toward me as I Iooked at him.

“So what have you been doing in the weeks we’ve not been talking? Have you been looking for a new job?” He changed the subject.

“A bit…” I took a breath. Images of home spun around in my head; the emotion piling in too. Sadness hung-out in every corner in that house… I’d escaped it for a while, but I couldn’t escape it forever and it was strangling me. Pain pierced through my heart …