Happy Adults

A lad of eighteen who had failed his exams and dropped out of school wrote: I have a big family with six stepbrothers and sisters. There was never anywhere that was quiet for me to study. That’s why I failed. He was bemoaning being unemployed and having no money. I appreciated that it must have been difficult for him to study at home, but if he had taken responsibility he could have found somewhere quiet to study, such as the library or homework club at school. Even though he now recognized he needed qualifications to get a job, he was still refusing to take responsibility. One option would have been to enrol in a college course to gain the qualifications he needed, and his mother had suggested this, but the lad had a ready list of excuses as to why this or any other suggestion wouldn’t work. Until he took responsibility for his life he was going to continue disgruntled and without a job.

A woman, aged forty-five, who had been in foster care for a year at the age of eight, wrote that she blamed all that was currently wrong in her life, including her two sons being drug dependent, her husband’s domestic violence and her obesity, on being in care thirty-seven years previously. While I would never minimize the disruption being taken into care (or any other trauma over which a person has no control) can have on a young person’s life, by allowing a crisis in her past to become a convenient peg on which to hang responsibility for all her woes and misfortunes, this woman was not taking any responsibility for them herself.

Whether we are suffering as a result of an unhappy/abusive childhood, losing a job, a hurtful comment or action, a failed relationship or a divorce, bereavement, ill health or a fateful encounter, at some point we have to take responsibility for our lives and deal with whatever needs to be changed. Otherwise we are like flotsam on a wave – sloshed around at the will of the tide and never in control of our destiny.

A man, aged twenty-three, who drank excessively and drove while intoxicated, was stopped by the police, heavily fined and banned from driving for two years. He was then sacked from his job, which required a clean driving licence. He blamed fate and an old friend: If I hadn’t stopped off at that pub after work I wouldn’t have met him and none of this would have happened. A better response, where the man took responsibility, would have been: What an idiot I was! But I’ve learnt my lesson. When I get my licence back I’ll never drink and drive again. In the meantime I’ll have to find a job for which I don’t need a driving licence.

Taking responsibility for your life is fantastic! It puts you at the steering wheel and you can go wherever you want. Yes, it can appear a bit frightening before you begin your journey. But once you have assumed responsibility for your life and therefore your destiny, you’ll wonder how you ever managed before.

What you gain from taking responsibility

Let’s look at all the positive outcomes from taking responsibility for your life; there are no negatives!

1. Empowerment. Taking responsibility empowers you. Once you are in charge you can do anything you wish – even fly to the moon, as long as you train as an astronaut first. You decide what you want to do with your life – where you want to be in a week, a month, a year, ten years – and go for it. Many years ago when I was struggling as a writer, receiving more rejection slips than cheques, I was inspired by the maxim We are only limited by the extent of our imagination. It is so true, and by taking responsibility we empower ourselves to achieve whatever our hearts and minds desire.

2. Liberation. Taking responsibility liberates you from the constraints of others. If you pass responsibility for your life to others you will live in the shadow of their experiences, expectations, successes and failures, and this will result in you becoming frustrated and discontented. Once you take responsibility for your life you are no longer beholden to the actions, attitudes or opinions of others, and a huge burden lifts from your shoulders.

One woman, aged thirty-four, who was juggling family life with work and doing unpaid overtime until 6.15 most nights, felt she was ‘being used’ and a ‘slave’ to everyone else, although she knew her husband loved her. She wrote: So I finally stopped blaming everyone else for what was wrong with my life and decided to take responsibility. I explained to my boss (nicely) that I would be leaving at 5.30 in future as I had family commitments. To my surprise he was fine about it, and said he understood and that I should have said something sooner. I then had a big chat with my husband and said I needed some ‘me time’. I am now having ice-skating lessons – something I always wanted to do – on a Wednesday evening, while my husband looks after the children. I was surprised it was all so easy in the end. I felt a great sense of liberation. I am in control of my life again and I’m sure I’m a much nicer person to be with now, at home and work.

3. Achievement. When you take responsibility for your life you can also take the credit for your achievements. What a great bonus! Yes, you may be working alongside others on certain projects and your relationships will be a partnership, but whether you are working on something alone, with someone else, or in a group, any positive outcome you achieve is your responsibility. So give yourself a big pat on the back.

4. Development. By taking responsibility for your life you develop as a person. You learn from your mistakes and use your past experiences to make better judgements in the future. Each new decision you make – regardless of how small or disastrous the outcome – is character forming. You will develop a strength and roundness of character you never thought possible. Others will experience and appreciate your new-found inner strength, although they won’t necessarily recognize the transition you have made. Your development as a person and therefore your new resourcefulness of character will be magnetic. Very soon you will be one of those people others come to for advice and guidance.

5. Satisfaction and contentment. Taking responsibility for your life allows you the satisfaction and contentment of knowing you did your best. Even if the outcome is not as you had hoped, knowing you were in control and you couldn’t have done any more gives you peace of mind.

CHAPTER THREE

Think Positively

We are what we think. Consider this statement for a moment and its implications. How far reaching it is; how simple; how complex; how easy and yet unobtainable!

‘We are what we think’ means that our thoughts create the person we are now and will be in the future. Just as our bodies absorb food and we become what we eat (I say more about this in Chapter Seven), so our personalities are a product of what we think. Our thoughts govern who we are and therefore our actions, which clearly influence our future. Research has also shown that our state of mind directly influences our bodies.

We are all familiar with the scenario of ‘getting out of the wrong side of the bed’. Not literally, of course, but that feeling at the start of a new day that we are full of self-doubt and pessimism and at odds with the world. We know what type of day we are going to have – one when we wished we’d stayed in bed. It will be a day when others and situations seem to conspire against us, when we achieve little or nothing, and hostility and aggravation are all around us. On such a day we get exactly what we envisaged, and as a result we feel unhappy and discontented.

We are also familiar with the opposite scenario, when we start the new day full of optimism. Our thoughts and feelings are positive: we focus on what is right in our lives and we are more than ready to greet any new challenge. We are so full of positive thoughts and vibes that we can’t have anything but a good day – we achieve what we set out to and others appear to work with us and are on our side. We feel good about ourselves and are happy to be alive.

Then of course there are the days in the middle of the spectrum when we greet the new day with ambivalence, not particularly enthusiastic about what lies ahead but not dreading it. The day holds no surprises, we get by – achieving an acceptable amount, jogging along but not really engaging with those we come in contact with. If someone were to ask us: Have you had a good day? We would reply: It was OK.

In reality these three days were probably no different from each other in their happiness content. Happiness content means the external factors, negative and positive, that directly affect our happiness – for example, a pay rise, the birth of a child, the death of a loved one, marriage, divorce, etc. No, what made each of these days different was literally our state of mind: our attitude, based on our positive or negative thoughts.

As the optimist sees the glass as half full, so the pessimist sees it as half empty. The only difference between the two is the way they think.

A person in a positive state of mind who is thinking positive thoughts expects to be happy, achieve and get along with those he or she meets, while a person in a negative state of mind can see only gloom, despondency, non-cooperation and frustration, with little or nothing achieved. These two people will have their positive or negative attitude confirmed by getting exactly what they expect. This is what is known as a ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’, where something we perceive in our minds becomes true because of the link between belief and behaviour. If we think positively then we act positively, which leads to a positive outcome. Conversely, negative thoughts produce negative actions and outcomes.

Positive and negative thoughts are like magnets, attracting those in a similar state of mind. So a person in positive frame of mind will attract positive, happy people, who add to his or her feel-good factor, and ‘repel’ negative ones. Conversely a person in a negative state of mind will be a magnet for the negativity of others, who will collude in his or her feelings of self-doubt and pessimism. Of course, this takes place subconsciously, with each person acting instinctively, without conscious thought or decision.

Since all this has a huge impact on our lives on all levels, mental and physical, we owe it to ourselves to think positively. It is essential we recognize and harness the incredible power of the mind to achieve mental and physical well-being.

Many ancient cultures were aware of the power of the mind and its effect on physical health. The age-old practice of yoga is a physical and mental discipline whose purpose includes physical health. Likewise meditation is an intrinsic part of many ancient healings, as is the Chinese philosophy of yin and yang, which acknowledges the need to find the right balance.

But while such cultures acknowledge that the mind and body are interconnected, many Western cultures, especially with the advancement in medical science, separate mind and body, with disastrous results. We have blood, nerves and energy lines running through and linking all parts of ourselves, mind and body. Why, then, do we treat them separately, having one branch of medicine for the body – GPs, medical consultants and surgeons – and another for our minds – psychiatrists, therapists and counsellors? In recent years there has been some movement in Western culture towards a more holistic approach – that is, treating the whole person – but it still has a long way to go.

The good news, however, is that we can change the way we think. Positive thought is within our control. We can choose to think positively, which will improve the person we are now and ultimately what happens in our lives.

Positive thought is straightforward and easy to learn, but it won’t happen overnight. Like all strategies it needs to be learnt until it becomes second nature and you do it automatically. This is what you do to achieve it.

How to think positively

1. Focus on all that is good in your life and the world around you. Acknowledge the negative but don’t dwell on it. If you find your thoughts returning to the negative, rein them in and re-focus. This gets easier the more you do it.

2. Focus on your attributes. You have much to offer. Acknowledge your failings and weaknesses but don’t dwell on them. None of us is perfect.

3. Visualize positive outcomes. Research has shown that if you believe something will turn out well you increase the chances of it doing so.

4. Think good of others. See the best in other people; give them the benefit of the doubt, don’t harbour grudges, forgive them and move on (see Chapter One).

5. Be grateful. Even the most disadvantaged of us has something to be grateful for. Recognize it and be thankful it is yours.

6. Get rid of the belief that life owes you. It doesn’t. The only person who owes is you and you owe it to yourself to make the best of life.

To do this, you need to be aware of what is happening in your thoughts. During the day our thought processes vary to accommodate what we are doing: reading or studying, at work, being on the computer, watching television, listening to music, engaging in conversation, concentrating on a difficult task, relaxing, etc. Sometimes our thoughts will be wholly occupied by what we are doing, but at other times there is space for our thoughts to cruise or wander. It is at such times, when we are off guard, not wholly concentrating, that we are most likely to find ourselves thinking negative thoughts if we are in a negative state of mind: I hate him. My nose is too big. Why did she cheat on me? There can’t be a God: he wouldn’t have let my mum die so young and so on.

Be aware of your thoughts and deal with any negativity immediately. Don’t indulge this negativity; instead, acknowledge your feelings, and then let go of them and consciously shift your mind to a positive thought. By using this strategy of counteracting a negative thought with a positive thought you can retrain your mind.

I think my nose is too big (negative), but people tell me I have nice eyes and a pleasant smile, which is good (positive).

I hate him for what he did to me (negative), but that part of my life is over now and I have a great future ahead of me (positive).

I don’t know why she cheated on me (negative), but it’s just as well I found out now rather than later (positive).

I wish my mum was still alive (negative); I miss her dreadfully. But thank God she was my mum and we had all those good years together. Some people don’t have that (positive).

You can find something positive in virtually every negative situation, even when the situation is dreadful. I am sure we were all impressed by the young soldier who, having lost both his legs and one arm when a landmine exploded, said in an interview that it could have been worse, and at least he still had one arm. Or the countless number of cancer sufferers who, having been told they only have a short while to live, decide to make the most of every minute, focusing on the days they have left rather than the years they have been deprived.

While you are retraining your mind to think positively there will be times when you slip into your old way of thinking. As soon as you catch yourself doing this, whether it is on waking, showering, eating, dressing, sitting on a train, playing with the children or at work, acknowledge your negative thoughts and make the next thought positive. It is important to acknowledge the negative thought: otherwise it can be buried without being dealt with and you can go into denial. All feelings are important, but negative thinkers focus on what is wrong in their lives to the exclusion of all that is right. If your mind returns to the negative, bring it back again to a positive thought. Soon this will become second nature, and hey presto, you will be a positive thinker! I am a positive thinker but I haven’t always been. As a teenager I used to dwell on all the sadness in the world (over which I had no control) and make myself very unhappy. Positive thinking came to me in my twenties, after a traumatic experience, and has been my companion ever since. It sees me through life’s downers and makes me appreciate every new day.

The children I foster often arrive depressed and unhappy – with very good reason: they have been separated from their families and have often been abused or badly neglected. By the time they leave me all of them are a lot, lot happier. While I haven’t been able to change their family situation or their past experience (unfortunately), I have been able to help them towards an acceptance of what has happened, and encourage them to think positively and this helps them to see a positive, brighter future.

Young children and even toddlers can be encouraged to think positively as soon as they begin taking an interest in their surroundings. There is beauty everywhere; sometimes we just need to see it. By pointing out the little robin in your garden, or the clear blue sky, or asking your child if he or she is enjoying their ice cream – ‘Mmm, that looks yummy. I bet it tastes good’ – you are encouraging your child to think positively.

One woman wrote: I spent over twenty years thinking about all that was wrong in my life (and believe me there was plenty). I thought life wasn’t fair as others didn’t seem to have my problems. I made myself so miserable I even considered suicide. Then one day I was in the dentist’s waiting room and picked up a copy of an old magazine. In it was an article about positive thinking and that article changed my life.

The notion of positive thinking is not new, but when you discover its huge power and the possibilities it opens up for happiness and contentment it seems like a revelation. It is life changing!

CHAPTER FOUR

Act Positively

Thinking positively, however, is only part of the equation that is lasting happiness and contentment. To feel the full benefit of a positive state of mind, you need to put your positive thoughts into action. Positive people are doers, positive in thought and action. They attract other positive people and together they make things happen.

The next piece of good news is that once you are using the power of positive thinking, acting positively is only a small step away.

Positive action follows positive thought. If you have started thinking positively you may already be practising some of the following strategies, without even realizing it, which is great. Read through the following, congratulate yourself on what you are already doing and take on board the areas you still need to work on. As with positive thinking, to begin with you will have to make a conscious effort to act positively, but very soon it will become automatic, with the result that you are both thinking and acting positively – a truly positive person.

How to act positively

1. Smile. As often as you can. If smiling doesn’t come naturally to you, force yourself to smile to begin with until it does. Research has shown that smiling has a natural feel-good factor. It releases endorphins (natural painkillers) and serotonin (sometimes called the body’s natural opium) into the bloodstream, literally making you happy. When you smile the facial muscles send messages of happiness to the brain, and you feel happy. Even when you are feeling unhappy, smiling can make you happy. Also, research trials have shown that when you smile others perceive you differently – as younger, more confident, successful and attractive. Smiling has been shown to relieve stress by lowering blood pressure, and also to strengthen the immune system. Happy, positive people are ill less often. Smiling is therefore beneficial on all levels and is an essential ingredient to being positive. So smile away.

2. Try new things. Set yourself realistic goals – short and long term – and do your very best to achieve them. (I’ll say more about this in Chapter Six.) If you’ve been wanting to learn a new skill, try a new hobby or even change your lifestyle or career, then do it. Don’t be frightened to try something new, whether it is swimming, skating, camping, debating, cake decorating, joining a political party or volunteering. All new experiences add to being a positive person. Our confidence and self-esteem grow from experiencing new challenges, and who knows where such new experience might lead?

One woman wrote: I was feeling pretty miserable as my fiftieth birthday approached. I was overweight and despite dieting couldn’t seem to shift the flab. My husband bought me a pair of quality trainers for a birthday present as I said I might try jogging. On that first morning I could barely run round the block, I was red in the face and panting, but I kept with it. Gradually my stamina built and the weight dropped off. Now I compete in marathons all over the world. I feel so fit and have made many new friends. Jogging has opened up a whole new life for me and I know my husband is proud of me. He claims it was the trainers that did it, but I say they couldn’t have done it without me!

A man who went fishing caught more than he could ever have dreamed of: I’d always wanted to learn to fish, right from a boy, so at the ripe old age of forty-two I bought myself a fishing rod and all the gear, and early one Sunday morning I left my wife and kids in bed and went and sat by a local river. It was pouring down and there was only me and a couple of lads, which I was pleased about, as I was making a fool of myself trying to cast the line.

Then a guy came along and said he was a journalist from the local newspaper and he was writing an article about local fishing spots and would I mind if he took a photo of me? I told him it was my first fishing trip but he said that was fine as I looked the part. A week later the photo was published in our local newspaper with my name, and an article about fishing spots. I looked very professional with all my new gear although all I’d caught that morning was a cold.

Then a few weeks later I received a letter forwarded to me by the newspaper. When I opened it I was amazed to find it was from my long-lost brother, whom I hadn’t seen for fifteen years. He’d seen my photo in the paper, and it turned out he only lived a mile away. We met up and I discovered he was a keen (and very good) fisherman. So now I go fishing with my brother while our wives go shopping.

Both these people changed their lives in ways they couldn’t have envisaged by trying something new. That’s not to say you’ll become a globetrotter if you take up jogging, or find a brother if you go fishing, but one thing is for certain: life doesn’t happen in front of the television or at the computer. Experience happens in the real world and positive people make it happen by going out and trying new things.

3. Use positive words as much as possible when speaking about yourself, others or situations:

I consider myself a fair person …

John is very patient …

It was decent of our company to still give us the bonus when profits are down, even though it was smaller than last year’s.

Even if you have a highly critical report to deliver, include as many positive words as you can. And generally, when you speak make sure you use more positive than negative words. I often have to talk at meetings about children who have severe behavioural problems, and I always begin my report with all the positives, which sets the atmosphere for the meeting. There is something positive in every person and situation; find it and say it. Whether you are talking casually to a friend or relative, or formally in a meeting at work, feast on the positive and acknowledge but don’t dwell on the negative.

4. Give praise where it is due. It won’t detract from your own worth to acknowledge what others have achieved. Praise is not a bag of sweets where the quantity diminishes as you share them out: it is more like fresh air – free and plentiful. As an author I have met some authors who are loathe to speak highly of their colleagues (especially if they are writing in the same genre), because of some misguided notion that praising others will detract from their own success. Of course it doesn’t; if anything it has the opposite effect. In praising others we show we are comfortable in our role, and insightful enough as a person to recognize and admire achievement.