More of the World’s Best Drinking Jokes

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A HarperCollins Original 1993

Text copyright © Edward Phillips 1993

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Source ISBN: 9780006379591

Ebook Edition © APRIL 2016 ISBN: 9780008191955

Version: 2016-09-28

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Copyright

More of the World's Best Drinking Jokes

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More of the World's Best Drinking Jokes

A wife decided she would leave her drunken husband, but a neighbour persuaded her to give him one more chance. ‘Instead of nagging him,’ she was advised, ‘treat him nicely. Maybe he’ll feel so ashamed, he’ll stop drinking so heavily.’ So the next night when he staggered home, she did not rant as usual. She made him a cup of tea, warmed his slippers, loosened his collar and tie and stroked his head. ‘Shall we go to bed now?’ she suggested.

‘Might as well,’ he replied. ‘If I go home, there’ll only be a row.’

Did you hear the one about the two drunks who were riding a roller coaster? Finally one turned to the other and said, ‘You know, I think we got on the wrong bus!’

A doctor, hoping to cure a man of his alcoholism, asked him, ‘How did you come to get so completely intoxicated?’ ‘I got into bad company, doctor,’ he said. ‘You see, there were four of us. I had a bottle of whisky, and the other three were teetotallers.’

In the course of an interview, a British wine expert visiting a French vineyard was asked by a reporter, ‘Which do you think is more important, sex or wine?’

The connoisseur thought it over, then cautiously enquired, ‘Claret or Burgundy?’

The drunk was on his way home after an afternoon drinking session. He accidentally wandered into the zoo and found himself in front of a cage containing a hippopotamus. ‘Don’t look at me like that, dear,’ he stammered. ‘I can explain everything!’

I like the way they test whisky in Kentucky. They take a jug of the stuff and send a charge of electricity through it. If the whisky turns sour, it’s no good. But if it chases the current back to the generator, then it’s ready for sale.

If you’re drinking, don’t drive to work. In fact, if you’re drinking, don’t go to work at all – stay home and have a ball.

A little boy of about ten went into a bar and sat down at one of the tables, all by himself. The barmaid came over and he said, ‘Bring me a double Scotch.’

‘You’re under age – do you want to get me into trouble?’ the waitress said.

‘We’ll talk about that later – just bring me my double Scotch.’

THE DRINKER’S GUIDE TO BAR SIGNS

PLEASE DON’T FLATTER THE BARTENDER. HE’D RATHER NOT CHANGE HIS OPINION OF YOU.

PLEASE DO NOT INSULT OUR BARTENDERS. CUSTOMERS WE CAN GET.

IF YOU ARE DRINKING TO FORGET, PLEASE PAY FOR YOUR DRINKS IN ADVANCE.

NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR PATRONS LEFT OVER 30 DAYS.

EVERYTHING ON SALE AT THE BAR IS OF THE VERY FINEST QUALITY. EVEN THE WATER HAS BEEN PASSED BY THE MANAGEMENT.

DON’T CRY IN YOUR BEER. IT’S WEAK ENOUGH AS IT IS.

YOUR WIFE CAN ONLY GET SO MAD. RELAX AND HAVE ANOTHER ONE.

IF YOU WANT TO RESIGN FROM ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, WHY NOT DO IT HERE?

Did you hear the one about the drunk who got in a taxi and said, ‘Eight times around Regent’s Park – and make it schnappy!’ For forty-five minutes the taxi circled Regent’s Park with the drunk bouncing around in the back seat. Going into the fourth lap he got very excited. He leaned forward, grabbed the driver by the shoulder and yelled, ‘Faster, you fool, faster! Can’t you shee I’m in a hurry!’

It was a woman who drove me to drink. I still feel bad about it. I never wrote and thanked her.

A drunk walked into a bar and said, ‘Give me a gim and tomic.’

The barman said, ‘You’re drunk – get out!’

The drunk went out, walked right round the block, came back in again, walked up to the bar and said, ‘Give me a gim and tomic.’

The barman said, ‘You’re drunk – get out!’

Again the drunk walked out, right round the block, back in again, up to the bar, and said, ‘Give me a gim and tomic.’

Again the barman said, ‘You’re drunk – get out!’

And the drunk said, ‘Just a minute! Do you own all the pubs in this town?’

A fellow was sitting in a bar one evening when he noticed another customer knocking back double Scotches. As fast as the bartender served him, he tossed down the whisky in one gulp. ‘That’s no way to treat good whisky,’ said the first customer.

‘I know,’ said the man, ‘but it’s the only way I’ve been able to drink them since my accident.’

‘What sort of accident was it?’ asked the first chap.

‘It was awful,’ said the second. ‘I knocked one over with my elbow!’

A chap went into a pub and said to the barman, ‘Give me a pint of your strongest and most expensive lager.’ When the barman served him, he drank the lager down, and then groaned, ‘Oh, I shouldn’t have had that with what I’ve got!’

The barman said, ‘Why – what have you got?’ And the fellow said, ‘10p!’

A fellow suffering from severe toothache finally plucked up enough courage to go to the dentist. But his courage deserted him as soon as he sat down in the dentist’s chair. ‘You’d better have a tot of whisky to calm your nerves,’ said the dentist.

After the patient had drunk the whisky, the dentist said, ‘How do you feel now?’

‘I’m still nervous,’ said the patient, so the dentist gave him another tot of whisky. This was followed by a third, then a fourth, then a fifth.

‘Have you got your courage back yet?’ asked the dentist.

‘I’ll say!’ said the patient, squaring his shoulders. ‘I’d like to see the man who’d dare touch my teeth now!’

Contrary to popular opinion, pouring black coffee into a drunk doesn’t do any good at all. All that happens is that you end up with a wide-awake drunk.

First Drunk: Gimme a Horse’s Neck!

Second Drunk: I’ll have a Horse’s Tail! No sense in killing two horses!

Did you hear the one about the fellow who walked into a pub with a pig under his arm? The barman said, ‘Where did you get that?’

‘I won it in a raffle,’ said the pig.

The landlord of a pub near Hyde Park had a beautiful Golden Labrador and every evening he used to get the barman to take it for a walk in the park and a swim in the Serpentine. And every evening the barman brought the dog back, tired, happy and damp. One night a customer said, ‘I’ve seen that dog before.’

‘Well, he’s in here every night,’ the landlord said.

‘No, I’ve seen him somewhere else. I saw him tied to a tree outside the pub down the road. A chap came out of the pub and threw a bucket of water over him.’

A woman was discussing her husband with a friend in the supermarket. ‘If the cigarette machine wasn’t just a couple of feet from the bar,’ she said, ‘he’d get no exercise at all!’

Breaking with custom, a woman decided to have a Scotch and soda as a nightcap. After drinking it, she went upstairs to kiss her small son goodnight. As she bent to kiss him, he said, ‘Mummy! You’re wearing Daddy’s perfume!’

Two inebriates staggered out of a pub at closing time. One of them was in a far worse state than the other and his friend said, ‘You’re in no condition to walk. Why don’t you take a bus home?’

‘It wouldn’t be any use,’ muttered his pal. ‘The wife wouldn’t let me keep it in the houshe!’

Did you hear about the young man who took a young lady home to his flat? He offered her a Scotch and sofa and she reclined.

A married couple attended a cocktail party. After a couple of hours, the husband said, ‘Don’t have any more to drink, Mabel – your face is getting blurred!’

Teacher: Jimmy, I want you to spell ‘straight’.

Jimmy: S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T.

Teacher: Correct. Now what does it mean?

Jimmy: Without water.

‘I’ll tell you what the matter is with you,’ said the judge to the drunk in the dock. ‘Alcohol! It’s alcohol and alcohol alone that is responsible for your present troubles.’

‘Thank you, Judge, thank you,’ said the drunk. ‘Everybody else says it’s my own fault.’

A drunk was standing on the corner of the street when a policeman came up. ‘Shay, offisher, where’sh the corner?’ he mumbled.

‘You’re standing on it,’ said the policeman.

‘No wonder I couldn’t find it!’ said the drunk.

‘Was your wife angry when you came home drunk last night?’

‘Not really. I was going to have those front teeth out anyway.’

Two friends were returning from a convivial evening at the local. ‘Am I staggering at all?’ asked one. ‘If I am, the wife’ll notice it and there’ll be hell to pay. Hang on here a minute – I’ll walk on ahead and you tell me if I’m walking straight.’

He walked on a few steps and his mate said, ‘You’re all right – but the chap with you is staggering about all over the place.’

A fellow in the King’s Head was boasting to all and sundry about his capacity for drink. One of the other customers began to get a bit fed up and said, ‘See that big silver ice bucket on the counter? I’ll bet you fifty pounds that if I fill that up with beer, you can’t drink it down in one go.’ The boaster turned on his heel and walked out of the pub.

Five minutes later he was back again and he asked the barman to fill the bucket with beer. He emptied it in record time.

‘All right, you win,’ said the fellow who had made the bet. ‘But where did you rush off to just now?’

‘Well,’ said the boaster, ‘I’d never tried that before so I popped into the pub next door to have a practice.’

During the days of Prohibition, a traveller found himself in a small town in Arkansas. He asked a man in the street where he could get a drink. ‘Well,’ said the man, ‘in this town, they only use whisky for snake bites. There’s only one snake in town, and it’s gittin’ kinda late. You’d better hurry down and git in line before it gits exhausted.’

At a bar in Toronto, a drunk was muttering, ‘It can’t be done! It can’t be done!’

‘What can’t be done?’ asked the bartender.

‘That can’t,’ said the drunk, pointing to a big sign which read: DRINK CANADA DRY.

At a local trade union committee meeting, one of the delegates was somewhat the worse for drink. When the meeting came to the question of appointing permanent and temporary officers, the drunk got up to speak. ‘Sit down!’ hissed his neighbour. ‘You’re too drunk! I’ll bet you don’t even know the difference between temporary and permanent!’

‘Oh, yesh I do!’ said the drunk. ‘I’m intoxicated, and that’s temporary. But you’re a damn fool – and that’s permanent!’

A woman was arguing with an obviously inebriated man in the saloon bar. ‘Stop telling me I remind you of your first wife!’ she shouted. ‘I am your first wife!’

You’ve got to admit – the government knows what it’s doing. First they put a big tax on beer, wine and spirits. Then they raise all the other taxes and drive people to drink!

Two Irishmen were talking in a pub. ‘When I’m dead and buried, Patrick,’ said Michael, ‘I want you to pour a bottle of the very best Irish whiskey over my grave.’

‘I’ll do that,’ said Patrick. ‘But do you mind if I pass it through me kidneys first?’

A man walked into a pub with a pet tiger on a leash. He ordered a pint of lager for himself and one for the tiger. They continued drinking for an hour or so and the tiger passed out. The man got up and started to leave the pub, and the barman shouted, ‘Oi! You can’t leave that lyin’ there!’

And the man said, ‘It’s not a lion, it’s a tiger.’

A fellow had been out on the razzle, and after the pubs had shut he spent the rest of the night in the company of a charming young blonde. He staggered into the bedroom at five in the morning to find his wife awake and waiting up for him. Trying to appear as sober as possible, he started to get undressed.

Suddenly his wife said, ‘My God! Where are your underpants?’

The drunk glanced down blearily and then, thinking quickly, said, ‘Good Lord! I’ve been robbed!’

Two inebriates were making their unsteady way home along the railway line. ‘I never saw so many steps in my life!’ muttered one of them.

‘It’s not the steps that bother me,’ said the second. ‘It’s the low railing!’

A fellow who had imbibed rather too freely wandered into a cemetery late at night and fell into an open grave. His cries for help were heard by another homeward-bound drunk who came over to investigate.

‘Get me out of here!’ hollered the drunk in the grave. ‘It’s freezing down here!’

‘I’m not surprised,’ said the second drunk. ‘They forgot to cover you up!’

Two drunks were on a pub crawl. Round about nine o’clock they ran out of money. ‘I’ve got an idea,’ said one. ‘Lesh go over to my house and borrow shum money from my wife!’

So home they went, staggered upstairs to the bedroom, switched on the light, and there was the first drunk’s wife in bed with a strange man. The first drunk didn’t seem to be a bit upset about this, although his pal was considerably shocked. ‘Hello, dear,’ said the first drunk cheerfully. ‘Shay, do you have any money for your loving hushband?’

‘My purse is on the kitchen table downstairs,’ snapped the wife. ‘Now for heaven’s sake get out of here!’

The two drunks made their way down to the kitchen and helped themselves. ‘Oh boy!’ said the first drunk, ‘there’s enough here for a couple of pints for me and a couple for you!’

‘Yes, but what about that fellow up there with your wife?’ asked his pal.

‘To hell with him!’ said the first drunk. ‘Let him buy his own beer!’

Wife: What’s the idea of getting home at this time in the morning?

Husband: What do you mean? I hurried home becaush I thought you might be loneshum, but I shee you’ve got [hic!] your twin shishter shtaying with you!

During the days of Prohibition in America, two moonshiners were discussing business. ‘When I takes my liquor into town,’ said one, ‘I always drives mighty slow.’

‘Why’s that?’ asked the second man.

‘Well, you gotta age the stuff, ain’t you!’ was the reply.

‘I’m drinking to forget,’ said the sad drunk at the bar. ‘To forget what?’ asked the bartender.

‘To forget I’m an alcoholic!’

Two Scotsmen were appearing in court, charged with being drunk and disorderly. ‘How do you know they were drunk?’ asked the judge.

‘Well, sir,’ said the constable, ‘one of them had his wallet open and was throwing money away – and the other one was picking it up and giving it back.’

The temperance lecturer looked sternly at his audience and declared, ‘I have lived in this town all my life. There are 123 pubs in this district and I can honestly say I’ve never been in one of them.’

‘Which one is that?’ said a voice from the back of the hall.

I understand there’s a new organization called the AAAA – it’s for people who are being driven to drink.

Late one evening, the door of the police station was pushed open and in staggered a chap who had obviously had one over the proverbial eight. ‘Offisher,’ he said to the duty policeman, ‘do you remember me? My place wash burgled last week without anyone being woken up.’

‘Yes, sir,’ said the policeman. ‘I remember.’

‘Well,’ said the drunk, ‘could you put me in touch with the man that did it? I want to ask him how he got in without waking my wife.’

A fellow was travelling to work on the bus one morning and the conductor recognized him. ‘Did you get home all right last night?’ asked the conductor.

‘Yes,’ said the fellow. ‘Why do you ask?’

‘Because when you got up and gave that lady your seat, you two were the only people on the bus!’

One day, at lunch, W. C. Fields was suffering from an unusually severe hangover. ‘Can I fix you an Alka-Seltzer, sir?’ asked the waiter.

‘No,’ moaned Fields. ‘I couldn’t stand the noise!’

O’Reilly: Did you hear about O’Shaughnessy? He fell down a flight of stairs with a crate of Guinness and he didn’t spill a drop!

O’Rourke: How did he manage that?

O’Reilly: He kept his mouth shut.

A white horse walked into a pub and said, ‘A pint of lager please.’ The barman served him and said, ‘This is quite a coincidence – we’ve got a whisky here named after you.’ And the horse said, ‘What – Percy?’

A drunk on a bus was tearing a newspaper into small pieces and throwing them out of the window. ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asked the conductor.

‘It’s to scare away the elephants,’ said the drunk.

‘To scare away the elephants? There’s no elephants around here!’

‘I know,’ said the drunk. ‘Effective isn’t it?’

After celebrating rather too freely, a fellow stumbled home at about one in the morning. His wife was sitting up in bed waiting for him. She heard him groping about downstairs and suddenly there was a tremendous crash and the sound of breaking glass. ‘What on earth are you doing down there?’ she shouted. And the husband bawled back, ‘I’m just teaching the goldfish not to bark at me!’

Down in Kentucky, they like their whisky straight. One old-timer was handed a shot of rye. ‘Blindfold me and hold my nose,’ he said. ‘If I see it or smell it, my mouth will water and dilute it!’

‘Allow me to pour you another drink. I’ve heard you like good liquor.’

‘Yes, I do – but pour me another one anyway.’

The husband had had a fine old time at the office Christmas Party. He made his unsteady way home at about one in the morning and, going up the front steps of his house, he tripped and fell, cutting his face. Once safely inside, he staggered into the bathroom to clean himself up, realizing that his wife would be bound to ask questions if she saw him bleeding all over the place.

The next morning at breakfast, the wife berated him for coming home drunk. ‘Nonsense,’ he protested. ‘I was perfectly sober.’

‘Well, in that case,’ said the wife with a grim smile, ‘how is it that the bathroom mirror has pieces of sticking plaster all over it?’

Three men were having a drink in a rather seedy pub. The place was infested with flies. One fly fell into the Englishman’s beer and he carefully lifted it out with his fingers. Then a second fly fell into the Irishman’s beer. The Irishman took no notice of it but went on drinking happily. When a third fly fell into the Scotsman’s beer, he lifted it carefully, wrung it out into his beer, and carried on drinking.

Two British astronauts landed on the moon, and one of them went off to look for a pub.

‘Any luck?’ said his partner when he returned half an hour later.

‘There’s only one pub in the whole place,’ said the first astronaut.

‘Any good?’ asked his pal.

‘No!’ said the first astronaut disgustedly. ‘No atmosphere!’

Two drunks had wandered into the reading room of the British Library and one of them was avidly reading the world population statistics.

‘Do you know,’ he said to his mate, ‘that every time I breathe, a man dies?’

The second drunk looked at him sympathetically and said, ‘Have you tried chlorophyll tablets?’

Down in Cornwall, there’s a pub where the bar is decorated with stuffed fish in glass cases. A drunk wandered round staring at these exhibits with interest. Suddenly he came to an enormous stuffed marlin in a huge case. After studying it carefully for a few moments, he said, ‘The feller that caught that is a damn liar!’

A very happy gentleman left his West End club and started to make his uncertain way home to his flat in Piccadilly. Halfway through the journey, he bumped into a tree which was surrounded by a protective circle of iron rods. He clutched hold of these rods and went round three times, hand over hand. Then he stopped and shouted in a plaintive voice: ‘Help! I’m trapped! Somebody let me out!’

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