The Secret Mother

So he must be still married... Married to Sara...

Watching Caroline’s eyes widen behind the tinted glasses, he continued, ‘And Caitlin isn’t my daughter. My own mother died shortly after I was born, and when I was nine years old my father married again. His second wife already had a three-year-old son. Caitlin is my stepbrother’s child.’

Quietly, he added, ‘In point of fact I’ve never been married.’

‘Oh, but I thought—’ Cursing her unruly tongue, Caroline stopped speaking abruptly.

‘What did you think, Miss Smith?’

She shook her head. ‘Nothing... Really...’

His thickly lashed eyes glinted, and she feared he was going to pursue the matter, but he let it go and said briskly, ‘Well, if there isn’t anything you want to ask me, perhaps you’d like to take a look at the accommodation and say hello to Caitlin?’

Taking a deep, uneven breath, doing her best to control an almost feverish rush of excitement, Caroline rose to her feet as Matthew left his chair and walked round the desk.

At five feet seven inches she was fairly tall for a woman, but, at an inch or so above six feet, he seemed to tower over her.

Suddenly she found herself trembling with a new and different kind of excitement, and, looking up into his dark face, she was shaken to the core by the depth of her feelings for him.

After all this time she had hoped, prayed, that she would be able to look at him and see only a man she had once known and loved. A man who no longer meant that much to her.

But the instinctive knowledge that he was the other half of herself, the part that made her whole and complete, was still there, as certain and inevitable as it had ever been.

As she stood, dazed and dumb, he suggested smoothly, ‘Now we’ve established that you don’t need the glasses, perhaps you’d care to take them off? It seems a shame to hide such beautiful eyes.’ The last was added with a certain bite, as though he didn’t intend it as a compliment.

Unable to think of a reason for refusing, Caroline took off the glasses and slipped them into her bag, trying not to meet his glance in case he should see all too clearly what she was thinking, feeling.

He opened the door and, a hand at her waist, ushered her across the well-furnished hall and into the living-room.

From the first moment they had met his impact had been stunning, and now his touch—light and impersonal though it was—proved to be devastating, trapping the breath in her throat, making her heart lurch drunkenly and her pulse begin to race with suffocating speed.

Despite its open-plan vastness and elegance, Matthew’s apartment had a homely, lived-in air. Several toys lay scattered on the Aubusson carpet, and a wooden rocking horse, ridden by a large, floppy rag doll with yellow plaits, stood in front of the long windows.

‘The playroom and nursery are this way.’ They went through a wide arch and across a second hallway. ‘And these rooms will be yours if you take the job.’ He threw open a pair of polished doors and showed her around.

Fitted with every mod-con, and beautifully furnished, the suite—sitting-room, bedroom, bathroom and kitchenette—was more than comfortable. It was downright luxurious.

She would have taken the job if it had been a ratinfested dungeon. But everything depended on whether Caitlin showed any signs of liking her.

Feeling a kind of dull hopelessness, Caroline wondered how anyone could expect a child of that tender age—a child who had already had one nanny she didn’t like—to take to a woman who was a total stranger?

‘Now if you’d like to come and meet Caitlin...’

Turning, Matthew led the way to a large, airy kitchen, where Mrs Monaghan was keeping an eye on her charge while making the morning coffee.

Dressed in a long-sleeved cotton shirt and brightly coloured dungarees, the child was busily engaged in tucking a doll into a pram. Looking up at their entrance, she came running over to Matthew and threw her arms around his legs.

Rumpling her dark silky hair, he said, ‘I’d like you to say hello to Miss Smith.’ Then, in a conspiratorial whisper he added, ‘If we’re both very nice to her, she may come and live with us and look after you.’

As Caitlin released her hold and turned to stare solemnly at the newcomer Caroline went down on her haunches. Her heart feeling as though it might burst, she smiled shakily at the little girl.

She was a beautiful and dainty child, her skin with the bloom of a peach, her dimpled cheeks still babyish, her long-lashed eyes an exquisite blue-green.

For long moments they looked at each other without speaking. Then in a clear, childish treble, Caitlin asked, ‘Do you want to come and look after me?’

Caroline found her voice and said huskily, ‘I certainly do. You see, I’ve been looking after two little girls who have to go away, and it would be lovely to have another little girl to take care of.’

After considering this for a second or two, Caitlin turned and trotted away, to return almost immediately with a large brown bear wearing a red and green striped scarf and a pugnacious expression on his heavy-jowled face.

‘This is Barnaby.’ She thrust the bear into Caroline’s arms.

‘Well, hello, Barnaby.’

‘He’s a boy.’

‘And a bear of character, I can see. Would he mind if I hugged him?’

Leaning against Caroline’s knee, Caitlin confided, ‘He likes to be hugged.’

‘He also likes a mid-morning nap,’ Matthew suggested, with a glance at his housekeeper.

‘Well, come along, me darlings.’ Mrs Monaghan obediently gathered up the child and the bear. “Time for a little sleep.’

As the trio departed Matthew put a hand beneath Caroline’s elbow and helped her to her feet.

‘Thank you.’ Trying to hide her desolation, she added.

‘I’d hoped to have a little more time with Caitlin.’

‘You’ll have plenty of time with her once you’ve moved in.’

Hardly daring to believe her ears, with a wildly beating heart, she asked, ‘You mean...?’

‘I mean Caitlin liked you.’

‘How can you tell?’

Just for a second his green-gold eyes warmed into laughter. ‘Only the people she really likes get to meet Barnaby. So, if you want the job...?’

Filled with joy and excitement, she breathed, ‘Yes... Yes, I do.’

‘Then as soon as we’ve had some coffee I’ll drive you over to the Amesburys’ to pick up your things. That way you’ll have the afternoon and evening to settle in before you start work tomorrow morning.’

After so much heartbreak, Caroline could hardly believe her good fortune. But even as she rejoiced the voice of caution warned that she mustn’t let gladness blind her to the danger of being here.

Every minute spent in Matthew’s company added to the risk of betraying herself, so she must stay out of his way as much as possible, and pray that he never suspected who she really was.

CHAPTER TWO

CAROLINE finished tucking Caitlin and Barnaby into bed and said softly, ‘Goodnight and God bless.’

‘Is Daddy home yet?’

Matthew, who had been away on a business trip for almost two weeks, was due back tonight, just in time for Christmas.

‘No. he won’t be home until quite late. But if you go to sleep like a good girl, when he gets here I’ll ask him to come in and give you a kiss.’

‘Tell me the toad story?’ Caitlin pleaded. She was getting tired, and her long silky lashes kept drooping.

Heart melting with love, Caroline agreed. ‘All right, if you close your eyes while you listen.’

Obediently the child’s bright eyes closed, and a small thumb went into her mouth.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, in the pool of golden light cast by the bunny lamp, Caroline began the fairy story that during the last month had become Caitlin’s favourite.

‘Once upon a time there was a handsome prince...’

‘What was he called?’

‘He was called Matthew...’

This part had become a familiar routine, with the same question, the same answer, and the same giggles because, on the first occasion, when Caroline had asked, ‘What do you think he was called?’ Caitlin had unhesitatingly chosen the name Matthew.

‘Now, poor Matthew had been turned into a toad by a naughty witch, and the only way to break the spell was for a beautiful princess to kiss him. One fine morning, when he was hopping through the forest...’

The story was one from her own childhood, and Caroline knew it off by heart. The words were soothing, familiar, allowing her thoughts to wander...

It seemed incredible that it was only about a month ago since Matthew had insisted on driving her to Morningside Heights to pick up her things.

While he had talked to Lois Amesbury she had packed—her few clothes and possessions going into a single suitcase—and said goodbye to the twins. With the prospect of having Caitlin to take care of, leaving the family hadn’t proved to be the wrench it might have been.

Mrs Monaghan had been kindness itself, and Caroline had settled into the penthouse well. To her very great relief there had been no mention of Matthew’s former fiancée, and the days had been filled with the kind of happiness she had never expected to know again.

But, while she gave Caitlin all the love and attention the child needed, Caroline was trying not to make the little girl too dependent on her. Always, at the back of her mind, was the knowledge of how uncertain the future was.

It was a blessed relief—or so she’d told herself—that after the first few days she had seen very little of Matthew.

At first he had watched her as relentlessly as a cat watches its potential prey, then, observing that she had won the child’s trust and affection, he had left her to it and set about catching up on a huge backlog of work before heading for Hong Kong.

Without his dynamic presence the apartment had seemed curiously empty, devoid of life and warmth and excitement.

While she admitted that she ought to feel safer when he was away, part of her longed to see him, to hear his voice and know he was close at hand...

‘And the beautiful princess said, “Little toad with crooked leg, open quick the door I beg...”’

Seeing Caitlin had fallen asleep, Caroline stopped speaking and, rising softly to her feet, took the child’s hand from her mouth and tucked it beneath the duvet, before stooping to kiss the rosy cheek.

As she switched on the monitoring system and turned to the door the tender smile lingering on her lips gave way to a gasp of fright.

The tall, shadowy figure, lounging in the doorway straightened. ‘I’m sorry,’ Matthew murmured mockingly, ‘did I startle you?’

Wondering how long he’d been standing there listening, she stammered, ‘I...we...weren’t expecting you home so early.’

He was still wearing his dark business suit. His lean face looked a little strained, she thought, as though even his magnificent stamina had been tested by such an intensive trip.

She felt a rush of tenderness, a longing to open her arms to him and welcome him back.

But even as she wished she had that right she saw that his eyes held a glint, a dangerous sparkle that made warning bells ring.

As he moved into the room she attempted to slip unobtrusively past him, her heart thudding, when he caught her wrist. ‘Don’t go...’

Ignoring her sharp intake of breath, he stooped to touch his lips to Caitlin’s forehead before leading the way out of the nursery and into the playroom, where a single shaded night-lamp burnt. ‘We have some unfinished business.’

‘Unfinished business?’ Alarmed by his air of intent, the build-up of tension she could feel, Caroline made an attempt to free her wrist.

His grip merely tightened, until his fingers felt as though they might crush the delicate bones. Moving closer, he suggested silkily, ‘Surely we need the beautiful princess to kiss the poor toad?’

Finding she’d been backed into a corner, and trying not to panic, she said as lightly as possible, ‘It’s just a fairy story Caitlin’s taken to.’

‘Ah, but a fairy story has to have a happy ending, and as the leading character...’

His dark face was only inches away. She looked at his mouth, that austere yet sensual mouth, and remembered with stunning clarity what it felt like when it touched hers.

A treacherous wave of heat engulfing her, somehow she managed, ‘I really don’t think I’d rate as a beautiful princess.’

‘You may not rate as a princess, but you’re certainly beautiful enough.’ All at once he sounded angry, driven.

Terrified of what might happen if he touched her, she begged hoarsely, ‘Oh, please, Matthew...’

Ignoring the plea, he took her face between his hands and his mouth closed over hers.

All thought obliterated, her whole being melted instantly, completely, so that without the support of the wall she couldn’t have remained on her feet.

His touch, his kiss, was what her heart and mind and body had craved. When finally he lifted his head, it took her a few seconds to gather herself and register that he was breathing as though he’d been running hard.

Knowing he’d only kissed her because he was inexplicably angry, she felt a fierce satisfaction that he hadn’t remained totally unmoved.

‘Well, well, well...’ he drawled, and his voice had a harshness to it. ‘Who would have dreamt such a prim-looking nanny was capable of so much passion?’

Terrified that her uncontrolled response might have stirred memories in him that were best forgotten, she said raggedly, ‘Please let me go. You have no right to treat me like this.’

‘Can I plead provocation?’ He was laughing now, making fun of her. ‘Promise never to touch you again?’

‘I’d prefer it if you did, Mr Carran.’

‘Why so formal? A minute ago you called me Matthew.’

She felt a quick stab of fear. ‘I—I’m sorry... I didn’t mean to...I was upset.’

He was still holding her face between his palms, and his thumbs stroked backwards and forwards across her cheeks in a movement that was no caress but an expression of his anger.

‘Tell me, Miss Smith, if I find it impossible to keep my hands off you, what will you do?’

She wanted to say that she would go, but at the thought of being anywhere else her heart seemed to shrivel and die in her breast..

‘Will you leave?’

Somehow he must have guessed that she would never leave of her own accord, she thought agitatedly, and he was deliberately taunting her.

Her voice impeded, she pointed out, ‘I don’t think that would help Caitlin. She’s just got used to me, and a child of her age needs some stability.’

As though the mention of Caitlin had sobered him, Matthew let his hands drop to his sides and stepped back, his expression controlled and dispassionate now.

But, when Caroline would have hurried away to the safety of her own suite, he once again stopped her. ‘Don’t disappear,’ he said briskly. ‘I want to talk to you. Have you had your evening meal yet?’

‘No.’

‘Then we can eat together and talk at the same time.’

Desperate to be alone until she had regained her equilibrium, Caroline made the first excuse that she could think of. ‘Oh, but I usually eat in the kitchen with Mrs Monaghan. She might think it strange if I—’

‘Isn’t Friday her night off?’

It was. Earlier in the day the housekeeper had announced her intention of spending the evening with her married daughter.

His eyes on Caroline’s transparent face, Matthew said sardonically, ‘However, if you feel more at home in the kitchen, when I’ve showered and changed I’ll join you there.’

He appeared to be back to his cool, disciplined self, and, watching him walk away, she wondered shakily what had provoked that burning display of anger, that need to deride and dominate.

Surely not just the use of his name in a child’s fairy tale?

She felt a cold shiver run through her. He had never tried to disguise the fact that he didn’t like her, but for that short space of time he had appeared almost to hate her.

Yet he had kissed her like a man who was starving.

As she made her somewhat unsteady way to the kitchen the remembrance filled her with disturbing and conflicting emotions.

Just one kiss, nevertheless it had altered everything. It had destroyed her composure, banished any slight feeling of peace or security she had gained, and reinforced how perilous her being here was.

A meal had been left ready, and while she put the chicken casserole into the microwave and began to set the table she was beset by a different anxiety. What did Matthew want to talk to her about? Her month’s trial time was almost completed, so had he decided to get rid of her?

No, surely not. She tried to be practical. He knew Caitlin had accepted her, and he needed a nanny.

Then what? Had he somehow discovered who she was?

No, if he had he would have turned her out immediately. She remembered only too clearly the look of loathing on his face that awful night as, white-lipped, he’d said with a fury no less devastating for being quiet, ‘I want you out of my house first thing in the morning. I never want to have to set eyes on you again.’

Shivering, she made an attempt to push the painful memory away. It had happened a long time ago, and was part of the past she tried so hard not to think about.

In a way, coming to work here had been madness, but she couldn’t regret taking the chance fate had offered her. Yet it left her open to even more heartache, she thought despairingly, if her brief happiness was about to come to an end.

The click of the latch made her jump.

Though she had thought herself prepared, her heart turned over at the sight of him. He had changed into an olive-green polo-necked shirt and casual trousers, and looked both dangerously attractive and formidable.

He had a way of moving, an arrogant tilt to his dark head, an almost feline grace and symmetry that, combined with his extraordinary eyes, had always put her in mind of a black panther. She felt her mouth go dry.

While she removed the casserole from the oven he took a bottle of white wine from the fridge, and, having opened it, he asked, ‘Why only one glass?’

‘I don’t usually drink,’ she answered simply.

His eyes clouding with anger, or impatience, he went to get a second glass. ‘I know that’s what you told me, but just this once I won’t hold it against you.’

As he filled the glasses she put a bowl of fluffy rice and a tossed green salad on the table, and took the chair opposite his.

With easy authority, he served both her and himself before picking up his fork.

For a while they ate without speaking, until, needing to break the silence, striving for normality, she asked, ‘Have you had a good trip?’

The chiselled lips twisted. ‘You sound for all the world like a dutiful wife.’

‘I’m sorry. I was just trying to be pleasant.’

‘While I’m being anything but?’

Then, with that sudden change of direction which seemed designed to fluster her, he said, ‘The day I gave you the job, I mentioned that Caitlin was my stepbrother’s child.’

Though it was more a statement than a question, he was clearly waiting for an answer, and she nodded.

‘You didn’t ask what had become of him.’ Watching the colour drain out of her face, leaving it ashen, he added, ‘I wonder why?’

Her voice sounding hollow, echoing inside her own head, she said, ‘I didn’t consider it was any of my business.’

‘I’ll tell you all the same. It’s three years today since he was killed in an accident. That’s why I’m in such a black mood...’

As she stared at him transfixed, unable to move or speak, like someone mortally wounded, he added, ‘So perhaps you’ll forgive me?’

It seemed an age before she was able to say through bloodless lips, ‘Of course...I’m sorry.’

He reached to refill the glasses. ‘I take it you’ve had no worries over Caitlin while I’ve been away?’

Gathering herself, Caroline said, ‘No, she’s been fine. She’s missed you, of course, and asked about you every day.’

‘She calls me Daddy?’

‘Yes.’

‘I haven’t discouraged her, as I’m hoping to legally adopt her.’ Then with no change of tone, he asked, ‘Have you made any special plans for tomorrow?’

‘Special plans?’

‘It’s Caitlin’s birthday.’

He watched Caroline catch her breath while she absorbed the shock.

‘I—I didn’t realise... No one mentioned it...’ Seeing his face harden with unaccountable anger, she stammered, ‘W-was that what you wanted to talk to me about?’

‘Amongst other things. But we’ll deal with that first.’

Her stunned mind trying to cope with the possibilities, Caroline suggested, ‘When I take her to playschool tomorrow morning, I’ll talk to the mothers of her special friends and see if I can fix an afternoon party, with a cake and—’

‘That won’t be necessary. Before I went away I arranged a party at McDonalds which includes a cake and a magician and all the trimmings. About a dozen of Caitlin’s friends will be there.’

Feeling as though she’d been slapped, Caroline swallowed hard. ‘I’m sorry you didn’t think to mention it sooner... I haven’t even got a birthday present for her.’

‘There’s really no need for you to give her anything.’

‘I’d like to.’

‘Very well. If you want to choose something, have tomorrow morning off. I’ll be home all day.’

‘Thank you,’ she said stiffly. Then, trying to sound as if it didn’t matter, ‘Will you be taking her to the party?’

‘Yes, I’d planned to take her. Why? Do you want the whole day off?’

‘No. I—I just wondered.’

Getting to her feet, doing her best to hide her disappointment, Caroline cleared away the first course and, when he shook his head at the chocolate tart, reached for the pot of coffee.

As she filled both their cups he asked idly, ‘Have you any plans for the festive season?’

‘No.’

‘Good. I’m intending to spend Christmas away from home...’

Though she knew it was unwise, to say the least, Caroline had hoped to see at least something of Matthew over the holiday. Now, despite the pleasure being with the child would bring, disappointment made her voice a little flat as she said, ‘So you want me to stay here with Caitlin?’

‘No, I want you both to come upstate with me. I own a country club and health spa on Clear Lake.’

Caroline went icy cold with shock, as though every drop of warm blood had drained from her body.

‘Have you ever been to a health spa?’

‘No... I—I know nothing about such places.’

‘Then it’s high time you did. Can you swim?’

Panic-stricken, she lied, ‘No.’

‘Then this will be an ideal opportunity to have some expert tuition.’

But the idea of going back to Clear Lake, where she’d once been so rapturously happy, filled her with a bleak anguish.

He picked it up instantly. ‘You don’t seem to like the idea?’

She voiced the only protest she could think of. ‘But you’re paying me to look after Caitlin, not learn how to swim.’

‘By next year Caitlin should be swimming well herself, and it will be useful if you’re already experienced and can accompany her.’

He was talking about next year as if he expected her to still be here. Caroline warmed herself with the thought, before objecting, ‘But someone would have to look after her while I—’

“‘Someone” will. The spa is family orientated. As well as a highly trained staff we have a number of experienced nursemaids and a babysitting service. Last year we started to run a special nursery and a toddler’s activity centre. It keeps the younger children engaged and happy and allows parents to give their nannies a holiday—’ he gave her a mocking glance ‘—white they do their own thing.

‘The scheme was my suggestion, and I’d like to try it out first-hand.’ Smoothly sarcastic, he added, ‘That is, unless you have any objections?’

The very last thing she wanted to do was accompany Matthew to Clear Lake, but he employed her, and she could hardly refuse to go.