Second Time Loving

CHAPTER TWO

RELUCTANTLY Angelica opened her eyes, wincing as the light hit them, and closing them again, the mere effort of turning her head in the direction of the light so exhausting that it drained her.

She felt oddly light-headed…empty and fragile. She had a collection of hazy memories and impressions, the sharpest of them being a pain so intense that even to remember it made her stomach muscles tense defensively.

She had been sick, more violently sick than she could ever remember being in her life. So sick and in so much pain that she had honestly thought she was going to die—had even at times wished that she might…

She remembered saying as much, and she remembered another unfamiliar voice cautioning her against such folly, calming and soothing her, just as unfamiliar hands had dealt with the physical agony of her illness.

Who had they belonged to, those hands and that voice? A doctor? Her forehead crinkled in a frown as she tried to analyse why she should reject that thought so rigorously. Not a doctor, then who?

A stranger almost certainly, and yet oddly she had found the fact that he was a stranger comforting rather than intimidating, as though had she known him in some way she would have been obliged to put up a pretence of not needing the assistance he was giving her, instead of sinking weakly and gratefully into his care, allowing him all manner of intimacies with her pain-racked flesh that would have been intolerable had she actually known the owner of those capable, clinical hands and that calming, knowing voice that somehow assured her that he knew exactly what she was enduring, how much it frightened her, how vulnerable and weak it made her…How little she wanted to be beholden to him or anyone else.

Her mind felt cloudy and confused; the more she tried to focus it, the more woolly her thoughts became. She didn’t even know where she was…

But, yes, she did—she was in Wales—Pembrokeshire. She had come here to rest…Her mouth twisted slightly. Surely only she could start off what was supposed to be a period of complete rest and recuperation with a bout of food poisoning so intense that her memories of the last few days were no more than vague wisps of uncertain flashes of reality mingled with long periods of cloudy uncertainty, the whole time sharply delineated by her memories of the agony of her illness.

She remembered arriving at the cottage, and that must be where she was now, surely? This bedroom with its sloping eaves and its view of the distant hills; this old-fashioned, iron-framed bed, so high off the ground that it was impossible for her feet to touch the floor.

She frowned. How did she know that? She had a vague memory of desperately wanting to be sick, of trying to clamber out of the high bed and find the bathroom, only to be stopped, and then firmly carried there…

Strange how, in recollecting the incident, she should feel consumed with the very natural embarrassment she could quite clearly remember she had not felt at the time. Almost as though somehow he, whoever he was, had been so clinical and detached, so assured and firm in his handling of the situation and of her that she had felt nothing other than an exhausted desire to simply give in and let him take control.

It shocked her to realise that she had shared an intimacy with this stranger that she had never shared with Giles. Not the intimacy of lovers of course, but an intimacy which in its way made her feel even more vulnerable. And yet she had not felt vulnerable at the time…had not felt anything other than a weak, shaky gratitude. She even remembered now trying to thank him at some stage, but he had brushed her thanks aside. Where was he now? Had he gone? Left her alone?

For some reason that thought panicked her. Without thinking what she was doing she pushed back the quilt and the heavy linen sheet, swinging her legs to the floor, and discovering as she did so that she had been quite correct in remembering that the bed was too high for her to reach the floor, and also that, instead of one of her own long, sensible nightdresses, she seemed to be wearing a man’s shirt.

A man’s shirt with just enough buttons fastened for decency, as though whoever had fastened her into it had known that when she woke up she would remember the intimacies they had shared, and who had taken pains to reassure her that, no matter what he might have done to help her in the extremity of her need, he both understood and respected her desire to recover her privacy. As though he was reassuring her that there had been nothing voyeuristic or lustful in his intimacy with her flesh. As though he had known how shocked she would be when she remembered how he had helped her, carried her, bathed her.

Her body suddenly grew hot, her face flushing. She didn’t want to remember anything like that. He had helped her and she was grateful to him, whoever he was, but now that she was herself again…

She slid her feet on to the floor and stood up, or rather she tried to stand up, her eyes widening in surprise and disbelief as her legs refused to support her.

As she crumpled to the floor, she only just had time to grab hold of the side of the bed.

The next thing she knew the bedroom door was being flung open and a man strode in, limping slightly as he made his way to the bed. He was frowning down at her, his dark hair damp and untidy as though he had just been towelling it dry, his jaw shadowed with an overnight growth of beard. The jeans he was wearing seemed a little loose on the waist and the hips, as though he had recently lost weight.

When he bent down to help her she caught the scent of his soap, clean and masculine, and realised that he must have been in the bathroom.

‘It’s all right. I can manage,’ she told him self-consciously, trying to pull away from him as he picked her up bodily, depositing her back on the bed.

The look he gave her spoke volumes and made her flush guiltily. She owed him far too large a debt of gratitude already without compounding that debt.

It seemed unfair that fate should have decreed that this should happen to her just when she had made up her mind that henceforth she would live her life as independently and free from emotional commitment as she could.

But all men weren’t like Giles. There was Tom, for instance, who had been such a good friend to her over the years. Tom, and Paul, her second-in-command at the factory, both of whom she trusted implicitly, both of whom had proved their friendship and affection for her.

But then that was the difference between her relationship with them and the disastrous relationship she had had with Giles. They were friends—not potential lovers.

Perhaps she was the kind of woman who was safer establishing non-sexual relationships with men. The sort of woman who aroused affection in the male breast rather than adoration.

She realised abruptly that the hard arms imprisoning her had been removed, and that the owner of those arms was now leaning over her still frowning down at her.

He had nice arms, she reflected absently, firm and well muscled without being in any way overdeveloped. His skin was weather-beaten rather than tanned, as though he worked outside.

For the first time she was curious about him…About how on earth he had materialised so fortuitously in her time of need. About what he was doing in the first place in such a remote spot. About where he ought to have been rather than here, taking care of her.

‘You still aren’t well enough to get up,’ he told her firmly.

He had a pleasant voice, deep and faintly husky, but with no marked Welsh accent.

‘I’m feeling much better,’ Angelica protested. ‘I really ought to get up. I’ve taken up far too much of your time as it is.’ Her skin went faintly pink as she added uncertainly, ‘You really were a Good Samaritan. If you hadn’t arrived when you did…’She gave a tiny shiver, not wanting to dwell on what might have happened to her. ‘I had no idea there were two cottages here,’she told him as he slowly straightened up. ‘When Tom described this place to me he omitted to mention the fact that it was one of a pair of semis.’

She watched as his eyebrows rose a little, and for some reason felt obliged to add defensively, ‘Not that I’m not thankful to you for all that you’ve done, but I can’t impose on you any longer. You must have things of your own to do—your own cottage to—’

‘This is my cottage,’ he told her blandly, and when her mouth dropped a little he added coolly, ‘When I found you virtually out cold on my doorstep, I’d no idea who you were or what you were doing here and it seemed better to take you inside with me rather than wait for you to come round to find out. When I got the doctor out from Aberystwyth it was touch and go for the first twenty-four hours whether or not he’d have to find you a bed in our one and only local hospital.

‘By the time we’d managed to find out who you were and what you were doing here, it seemed easier from my point of view to keep an eye on you here than to move you next door.’

He said it all so matter-of-factly that Angelica could do nothing other than smile uncomfortably at him and say weakly, ‘I’ve put you to a good deal of trouble. I’m so sorry.’

‘No need to be. Being ill is no picnic. I know—I’ve been there myself. There are times when we all need a little help.’

Angelica frowned. What did he mean, he’d been there himself? Now that she looked properly at him, she saw that there was a gauntness about his face, a sharpness around those high sculpted cheekbones, narrow grooves cut either side of his mouth that hinted at pain and suffering.

She remembered how he’d limped when he walked into the bedroom and was suddenly and totally unexpectedly curious about him. And then she realised what he had said about the cottage. This wasn’t Tom’s cottage—it was his.

‘Look, I feel dreadful about all of this,’ she told him truthfully. ‘I must have caused you a great deal of trouble, but I’m over it now, and perfectly well enough to move into Tom’s cottage. I feel I’ve trespassed on your privacy for long enough.’

‘You aren’t going anywhere until the doctor says you can,’ he told her flatly.

Angelica eyed him uncertainly. There was nothing threatening in his attitude, nothing aggressive or domineering, and yet she had the inner impression that if she tried to defy him, if she tried to get up and physically remove herself from his presence, she would very soon find herself right back in this bed.

It startled her how very easy she found it to submit to the strength she could feel emanating from him; almost as though she was relieved to be able to do so, to let him make her decisions for her.

She shivered slightly, remembering how her own doctor had warned her that the stress she had been under could manifest itself in many different ways. Was this another of them—this reluctance to take charge of her own life, this unfamiliar desire to simply lie here and let this man, this stranger, make her decisions for her?

She shivered again, suddenly conscious of how much her relationship with Giles had changed her, how much it had undermined her self-confidence, and, although she was mercifully free of any shadow of the love she had once thought she felt for him, she was left with this weak indecisiveness, this inability to trust her own judgement, to make up her own mind, in a way that was completely at odds with the woman she had always thought herself to be.

‘Something wrong?’ enquired her rescuer.

The abrupt question startled her. She shook her head, a little nervous of his perception, wondering what he might have read in her unguarded expression.

‘Have you owned your cottage long?’she asked him quickly, trying to redirect their conversation into less emotive and personal channels.

He stood up and told her curtly, ‘I don’t own it. I’m renting it.’

It was Angelica’s turn to frown. His words were innocuous enough and certainly there was no real reason for the warning bells to ring so loudly in her ears. But Angelica had been running her own business and dealing with people for long enough to recognise ‘keep off’ signs when they were posted. She had after all been posting enough of her own recently to be instantly aware of when she had trespassed on to forbidden ground. And yet what could there have been in her innocent enquiry about his ownership of the cottage to draw that curt, rejecting response that warned her it was a not a subject he wished to pursue?

Shrugging mentally, she told herself that it was no real business of hers. She wasn’t particularly interested in whether or not he owned the cottage anyway. She had only been trying to make conversation.

And yet…And yet…as he stood there with his back to her, the muscles in his shoulders and back so obviously stiff with tension and anger, she felt a totally unexpected surge of sensation, not strong enough to be an actual emotional pain, and yet certainly strong enough to be rather more than conventional pique.

She trembled a little, hugging her arms around her body, not liking the idea that the physical intimacy forced on her by her illness had somehow or other forged within her mind, albeit unconsciously, the right to feel affronted and hurt by his obvious desire to shut her out.

As he stood there he shifted his weight from one foot to the other, his palm absently rubbing the muscle in one thigh as though it was causing him pain.

‘I’ve been in touch with your friend Tom, by the way,’ he told her, turning back to her.

‘You’ve been in touch with Tom? You know him, then?’

She was puzzled, confused that Tom had not mentioned this neighbour.

‘No. We’ve never met, but you had his telephone number scribbled down on your map.’

Angelica nodded. Tom, bless him, had taken the precaution of jotting down his new London telephone number just in case she couldn’t follow his directions. He had moved house a fortnight ago and she had not as yet memorised his new telephone number.

‘I didn’t ring him until after the doctor had confirmed that you were suffering from salmonella. He wanted to drive down here to be with you, but it seems he had other commitments.’

‘Yes,’ Angelica agreed with a smile that was fond and more betraying than she knew. ‘He was going to spend the weekend with his new girlfriend’s parents. It’s the first time they’ve met and since he suspects that they’re a little concerned at the age gap between them—Tom’s thirty-two and Sarah is only nineteen, although a very mature nineteen—I know he wouldn’t have wanted to put them off. Nor would I have wanted him to. In fact, grateful though I am to you, you really shouldn’t have burdened yourself with me. Surely a private nurse…?’

His eyebrows rose. ‘Maybe, but they are not easy to come by in this part of the world, especially at such short notice. Your Tom warned me that I was going to have trouble with you once you were over the worst. A very independent lady was how he described you…’

A very independent lady. She had been once and had prided herself on it. Now she wasn’t so sure, and neither, she knew, was Tom. But, bless him, like the good friend he was, he would have taken care not to betray her vulnerabilities to anyone else.

‘What time is the doctor due?’ she asked quietly. She had imposed on this man for long enough. The intimacies that had passed between them while she was incapable of looking after herself were something she had to accept, and yet now, confronted with the reality of a man who before had simply been a shadowy, unfamiliar figure, a gentle, capable pair of hands that seemed to know instinctively how to help and soothe, a calm, understanding voice, she was beginning to feel acutely self-conscious and vulnerable.

The look he gave her seemed to slice right through her defences and fasten on all that she was feeling. He had coldly clear pale blue eyes that in some lights looked almost grey; dangerously seeing eyes, she recognised uncomfortably, that went well with what she was beginning to suspect was an equally perceptive mind.

She wondered obliquely what he did for a living. There was no obvious industry in this part of the world; it was an idyllic spot for holiday-makers, for those in search of solitude and peace, but for those who lived locally…And what kind of work allowed a man to take days off without any notice, to nurse a complete stranger? Did he in fact work at all, or was he perhaps one of that breed of people she had occasionally read about and puzzled over but never met: a genuine drop-out from society?

She eyed him covertly, registering the wellworn jeans, the slightly too thin frame. If he didn’t work how did he manage to pay the rent on this place? How did he feed and clothe himself?

‘I can hear a car outside,’ he told her. ‘It will probably be the doctor now. I’d better go down and let him in.’

His hearing was as acute as his perception, Angelica recognised as she too heard the approaching sound of a car engine.

The doctor, when he came into the bedroom, proved to be a middle-aged man with a soft Welsh accent and tired eyes. WhenAngelica apologised for causing him so much trouble, he shook his head and told her, ‘There’s nothing worse than a nasty bout of food poisoning. You were lucky that Daniel was here when you collapsed.’

‘Very lucky,’Angelica agreed hollowly, shivering a little as she remembered her physical agony and distress when she first became ill. So his name was Daniel. Foolish of her not to have asked him herself.

‘Your friend gave us the name of your London doctor.’ The shrewd, tired eyes studied her. ‘Come down here for a bit of a rest, have you?’

Angelica pulled a face. ‘He says I’m suffering from stress. When Tom offered me the use of his cottage…’

‘Stress, is it? Well, then, you’ll be needing a bit of peace and quiet.’

‘Yes,’Angelica agreed. ‘I feel I ought to move into Tom’s cottage and let Mr—er—Daniel get on with his own life.’

For some reason she could feel her face growing hot as she spoke, as much because of the thoughtful way the doctor was studying her as because of her discomfort at not even knowing her rescuer’s name.

‘I feel very guilty about the way I’ve been taking up his time,’ she added awkwardly. ‘I did think that perhaps a nurse—’

‘There’s not much Daniel doesn’t know about what it’s like to be ill,’ she was told calmly. ‘And as for taking up his time, well, I dare say if he hadn’t wanted to help you he’d soon have made some other arrangements, although out here people do tend to take it for granted that neighbours will help one another out.’

The doctor was standing up, his examination finished. ‘You’ll be feeling very weak for a few days yet,’ he warned her.

‘But I can get up,’Angelica pressed. She had already made up her mind that she simply could not impose on her host any longer. And besides, now that she was properly conscious, properly aware, well, she felt both uncomfortable and guilty about the way she had been so dependent on Daniel. Dependency wasn’t something she was used to, and since the débâcle of her relationship with Giles she had striven very hard to regain her former self-reliance. It had become very important to her that she was independent of other people, that she was able to function completely on her resources. She was never, ever again going to allow herself to suffer the kind of emotional trauma and pain she had suffered with Giles.

‘Yes, you can get up,’ the doctor agreed, frowning thoughtfully at her, ‘but I must warn you against trying to do too much too soon. You could very easily have a relapse. Salmonella is never something to be treated lightly and when it’s as severe as this bout you’ve just had…’ His frown deepened, and Angelica had the feeling that he was about to say something else, but obviously he must have changed his mind because after a few seconds’ pause he smiled at her and said kindly, ‘This isn’t London, you know. Here we take our responsibility to our small communities and to each other very seriously indeed. You mustn’t feel guilty about needing Daniel’s help. Just think of it as a good deed you’ve been “loaned”, and which one day you’ll have the opportunity to pass on to someone else.’

He gave her another smile, closed his bag and headed for the door before she could say anything else.

Angelica heard Daniel talking to him when he went downstairs, and sensitively wondered if it was her they were discussing. It was stupid to feel so vulnerable, so defensive, she chided herself.

Surely she was mature enough, sensible enough to realise that all men weren’t like Giles—that she had been unlucky and perhaps a little foolish, but that the pain she had suffered was no reason to turn her back on the entire male sex, mistrustful and afraid of every single one of its members.

Maybe not, but it would be folly to allow herself to fall in love again, to—

Fall in love? She frowned heavily. Who on earth was talking about falling in love, for heaven’s sake? What possible link could there be between her relationship with Giles and the very, very different relationship which circumstances had forced on her with Daniel?

Daniel. She tasted the name, testing it cautiously, acknowledging that in some way it suited him. It was a powerful name, a little awesome in some ways. Like the man himself? Did she find him powerful and just a little intimidating? Just a little bit too much the dominant male animal, supremely confident of himself, in a way she knew she could never be?

Was it an inbuilt flaw of her sex that it was so constantly vulnerable, so constantly aware of its failings and insecurities? Wasn’t it because of her own awareness of her personal, deep-rooted insecurities, her fear that her life was starting to revolve too completely around her work that she had been so dangerously open to Giles’s deliberate manipulation? Had she had a stronger, tougher, more male-based personality, she would have been too self-sufficient, too sure of herself and confident to fall for Giles’s rather obvious and facile charm.

Was she never going to stop feeling guilty for being such a fool, for not realising far sooner than she had just what Giles was? It still galled her to realise that, in the eyes of others, she must have seemed both stupid and laughable; a mature woman, so desperately craving love and reassurance that she had not been able to see the truth.

She was never going to allow herself to be deceived like that again. From now on her relationships with men were going to be strictly non-emotional, strictly held at a safe distance from her too vulnerable heart.

It still tore at her emotionally that, despite the success she had made of her business life, she still felt this emptiness, this yearning, this need to be fulfilled as a woman.

She shivered a little, all too well able to imagine how the man downstairs would laugh at that kind of vulnerability. Even Tom, great friend though he was, had not really understood this deep-rooted need she had to love and be loved in return. At times she didn’t even understand it herself, resenting its hold on her, wishing there was some way she could destroy it so that it never made her vulnerable again.

If she couldn’t destroy her own inner need, then at least she could ensure that no man ever got close enough to use it against her, manipulating her, deceiving her.

She moved restlessly, conscious of a sharp, biting anger that fate had decreed that she should be rendered so helpless and vulnerable that she had had no option but to accept Daniel’s help.

Why couldn’t it have been another woman who had found her there on the doorstep? Why did it have to be an unknown man—a man, moreover, who, despite his shabby clothes and generally down-at-heel appearance, seemed to exude power and strength in a way that only seemed to reinforce her own appalling weakness?

Despite what the doctor had said, despite his warnings, the sooner she moved into Tom’s cottage and away from Daniel, the better.

She said as much to Daniel himself half an hour later when he came upstairs, glibly omitting to tell him that while the doctor had said she might get up he had also warned her against overdoing things.