A Hickory Ridge Christmas

Remembering where they were and how well attended the Sunday service had been, Hannah glanced around, hoping none of the other church members had noticed her strange reaction. Could they tell who he was just by looking at him?

“Hannah, what’s wrong…”

Steffie, who probably preferred “Stephanie” now but hadn’t been able to squash the nickname, didn’t even get the question out of her mouth before the source of Hannah’s problem started up the aisle toward them.

Hannah couldn’t answer. Her mouth was dry, and her heart raced. She felt this overwhelming need to run and hide. Why should today be any different? She’d been running and hiding from the truth since the second dot on the home pregnancy test had turned pink.

She stiffened, but she couldn’t take her eyes off Todd’s steady approach. He looked older than she’d imagined he would, his shoulders even wider than she’d predicted in the well-tailored navy suit he wore. He’d finally filled out his over-six-foot frame and could no longer be called lanky. His hair had deepened to a dark blond, but it still had that tousled look he’d never been able to control.

His face, though, had changed most of all. It was no longer sweet and boyish but was framed with the handsome, hardened planes of manhood. If he’d been smiling, his face probably would have softened and the dimple in his chin would have been more pronounced, but his expression was serious. Cautious.

“Who’s he?” Steffie tried again, looking back and forth between the two of them. “Wait. He looks familiar. He looks like…”

The younger woman’s words trailed away as Todd reached the front of the room and sidled into the pew behind theirs. Around them, church members continued to make their way toward the exit, but several glanced curiously at Hannah, Todd and Steffie.

“Hi…Hannah.” His voice cracked, so he cleared his throat.

He expected her to say something; she knew that. The words just wouldn’t come. Words couldn’t squeeze past the guilt clawing at her insides. No matter what he’d done, no matter how hurt she’d felt, she should have found a way to tell him as soon as she knew. Or at least she could have found some occasion before Rebecca’s fourth birthday. What was she supposed to tell him now?

“Look, I didn’t mean to startle you,” Todd told her. “I only wanted the chance to—”

“Sweetie, are you okay?” Steffie interrupted, reminding Hannah she was still there, observing entirely too much. “Do you need me to get your dad?”

Hannah shook her head and raised a hand to stop Steffie, but she still couldn’t look away from Todd. He appeared just as frozen.

“Is there somewhere we can talk?” he finally choked out. “There are so many things I need to say.”

Panic welled deep within her, its acidic tang bitter on her tongue. She couldn’t tell him. Not now. Soon, but not yet. She jerked her head, breaking the cold connection of their gazes. Slowly, she started shaking her head and backing toward the aisle.

“I can’t do this, Todd. I just can’t. I have to go.”

Turning, she pressed past Steffie and hurried up the side aisle.

“Hannah! Wait! Stop!”

His plea pounded in her ears, but she couldn’t wait. She couldn’t stop. She couldn’t even look back as she rushed through the vestibule and into the hall leading to the Family Life Center. Rebecca would be waiting for her there in Children’s Church.

Hannah could feel his gaze on her as she went, but she didn’t hear his footsteps. If he followed her and tried to air out their past right now, he would find out the truth. He would know the secret she’d wasted so much energy trying to keep from him and everyone else. Part of her prayed he would do just that.

Todd watched her go, somehow managing to keep from chasing after her through the church and making a bigger fool of himself than he had already.

She hurried past the line of members shaking hands with the ministry team. Instead of continuing through the glass doors leading to the parking lot, she turned left and headed down a hallway toward the rear of the church.

Only after she’d disappeared completely from sight did Todd turn his attention to the young woman standing next to him. The tall redhead with a dusting of freckles on her nose was looking at him nearly eye to eye. She raised a delicate brow.

Finally, he remembered his manners and shot out his right hand. “Hi. I’m Todd McBride.”

“Todd. Todd.” She frowned while rolling the name around on her tongue as if she expected it to ring a bell. Then she shrugged. “I’m Stephanie.”

He let go of her hand and then glanced at the sanctuary’s rear door again. “I should go after her.”

“She didn’t seem all that thrilled about talking to you.”

“Probably not.” He ignored the hopeless feeling threatening to resurface. “But she’s going to have to anyway.”

With a quick wave, he strode out the door. Finding only Andrew shaking hands and saying goodbye to the last of the stragglers, Todd assumed that Reverend Bob had slipped away to check on his daughter. As inconspicuously as possible, Todd started to follow the same path he’d seen Hannah take.

“Wait, Todd.” Andrew caught up to him and gripped his hand in a firm handshake. “Glad you made it. You’re probably looking forward to starting your new job. Did the folks at GM Proving Grounds give you a little time to get settled, or did they want you right away?”

“I guess they needed someone right away because I had to negotiate to wait until Tuesday.”

“Isn’t that just the way it goes? No rest for the weary.”

“Guess so.” Distracted, Todd cast a furtive glance down the hall. Was she still back there somewhere?

Andrew’s gaze followed his. “So, besides Reverend Bob and me, did you see anyone you recognized at the service?”

Todd was barely paying attention, so the words took a moment to sink in. When they did, he turned back to the youth minister. “No disrespect intended, Reverend, but let’s not dance around this anymore. We both know I came here to see Hannah.”

Andrew nodded, the smile he usually wore absent. “And I noticed that you did see her.”

“No one probably knew we were more than friends.”

“I knew. Serena knew.”

Todd’s head came up with a jerk. “Oh.”

“Remember that day all of us spent at the beach?”

“I guess so.” Of course Todd remembered. It was one of the memories he’d replayed in his mind in the last few years.

“We saw the way you looked at Hannah when you thought no one was watching.”

Todd cleared his throat. He could only imagine the emotions that had been written all over his face. Because there didn’t seem to be any way to respond to that comment, he changed the subject. “We built a sand castle with Serena’s little girl…uh…”

“Tessa,” Andrew said to fill in the blank.

“You had a thing for the single mother.”

“Still do. But she’s married now. To me. Five years.” Andrew glanced down at the plain gold band he wore. “Tessa’s got a brother now. Seth. We’re having another one in March.”

“Wow. Either a lot of time has passed, or you’ve been busy for a few years,” Todd said with a chuckle.

Instead of laughing at his joke, Andrew became serious. “A lot of time has passed.”

The words felt like weights being draped across Todd’s shoulders. He stared at the floor and waited for whatever else the youth minister had to say.

“Hannah didn’t seem happy to see you today.”

“I suppose not.” Todd reluctantly met the other man’s gaze. “I didn’t go about things the right way.”

“It’s hard to know the right thing to do sometimes.”

Andrew now wore his concerned minister’s face. Todd remembered Hannah once mentioning that Andrew had been a clinical counselor before entering the ministry.

“Apologizing to Hannah is the right thing to do,” Todd said. “I know it. She just didn’t give me the chance.”

“I don’t know everything that happened between the two of you or the full reason she ran out of here, but—”

“No,” Todd said to interrupt him. “You don’t.” His sharp tone surprised even him. It wasn’t Andrew’s fault that Hannah had refused to talk to him. He had no one to blame for that but himself. Taking a deep breath to clear his thoughts, he tried again. “I’ve been waiting five years to talk to Hannah…about a lot of things.”

“Have you ever considered that healing this relationship might not be as easy as you’ve imagined?”

“You mean that it might be too late? Sure, I’ve thought about it.” A lot. He took a long breath and shook his head in frustration. “But I have to do the right thing. I’ve prayed about it, and I’m convinced it’s what God wants me to do, so I’m just going to have to find a way to get Hannah to listen to me.”

“You sound pretty determined.”

“I am.”

“I guess you’ll be needing this then.”

Andrew withdrew a pen and notebook from his pocket, wrote something on it and handed to him. It said, “Hannah,” and it had a street address and an apartment number on it. Todd drew his eyebrows together as he looked up from it.

“You didn’t think she still lived at home, did you?”

He answered with a shrug. As a matter of fact, he had. He’d already driven by his old home and that particular house next door several times since he’d arrived in town on Friday. He’d studied that familiar dwelling, wondering whether she was inside and hoping she would pick that moment to go out to her car.

Todd closed his hand over the slip of paper. “Thanks, Andrew.”

“Will you do me one favor when you talk to Hannah?” Andrew waited for his nod before he continued, “When you’re talking, will you be sure to listen, too?”

Of course he would listen, Todd thought as he climbed in his car and turned out of the church lot onto Hickory Ridge Road. He would listen, but he couldn’t imagine what Hannah would have to say. She had nothing to apologize for; that was his department alone. Yet, an uncomfortable sensation settled between his shoulder blades. Why did he get the sense that Andrew knew something he didn’t?

“What are you doing, Mommy?”

Hannah turned from the medicine cabinet mirror where she was repairing her makeup. Rebecca, dressed only in a pair of red cotton tights, underwear and a lace-trimmed undershirt, stared up at her from the bathroom doorway.

Quickly, Hannah turned her back to her daughter and brushed the last of her tears away with the back of her hand. “Nothing, honey. You go ahead and finish changing your clothes. Remember to lay your dress out on the bed so I can hang it up, okay?”

“Okay,” Rebecca answered, though she would likely forget and leave the Christmas plaid dress in a pile on the floor. She started to leave and then stopped, turning back to her mother. “Are you crying?”

“No. Not really.” Hannah pressed her lips together. Now she was even lying to her daughter. When would it all stop? “I guess I am a little sad.”

“Don’t be sad, Mommy.” Rebecca wrapped her arms around her mother’s thighs and squeezed.

“Go on now,” she said, fighting back another wave of emotion.

As soon as Rebecca skipped down the hall, Hannah started swiping at the dampness again. She’d managed to hold herself together all through the ritual of collecting her daughter from her church program and through the drive home, but Hannah’s control had wavered the moment she was alone, changing out of her church clothes.

Todd? In Milford again? Come to think of it, she didn’t even know why he was in town. She might know that answer now if she’d given him a chance to speak. But how could she? Without any notice, she wasn’t prepared to face him. Who was she kidding? Even with six months notice, she wouldn’t have been able to come up with a valid explanation for what she’d done.

All of her excuses for not telling him—her anger for his leaving, her choice to never reveal the identity of her child’s father, her rationalization that Todd didn’t deserve to know—now sounded like the incoherent ramblings of a teenage girl.

That was what they were.

How could she ever have thought she had the right to withhold the information from him that he was a father? No one had that right to wield so much power over other people’s lives.

She had to tell him; that was a given. And she would. Soon. She just needed a little time to regroup first. After that, she would ask around and find out whom he was visiting and how long he would stay. She would tell him everything then, but she would do it on her terms.

Hannah nodded at the mirror, her thoughts clear for the first time since Todd appeared at her church and tilted her world on its axis.

A knock at the front door, though, set her thoughts and her newly settled world spinning once again. Was it Todd already? No, it couldn’t be. He wouldn’t even know where she lived, although he would only have to ask her father to get that information. Reverend Bob, who still didn’t know the whole truth, either.

Rebecca reappeared in the bathroom, this time wearing a reindeer sweatshirt with her tights. “Somebody’s knocking on the door.”

“I heard. I’ll get the door. Why don’t you go put your jeans on? Then go set up your dolls in the living room, and I’ll be there in a minute to play.”

Again, Rebecca scurried off, but this time, Hannah followed, turning down the hall to the front door. She stopped as her hand touched the wood. Without a peephole to check for sure, she could only hold her breath and hope she was wrong.

Lord, please don’t let it be Todd. It’s too soon. Please give me strength when the time comes. Amen.

Her hand was on the doorknob when his voice came through the door.

“Hannah, it’s me. Todd. I know you’re in there. I can see the lights.”

Panic came in a rush that clenched inside her and dampened her palms. No. She couldn’t tell him now. She wasn’t ready. Not yet.

“Go away, Todd.”

Though she recognized the voice as her own, the words surprised even her. She was taking the easy way out again rather than facing this mess she’d created, but she couldn’t seem to help herself.

For a few seconds, there was no sound on the other side of the door. She almost expected to hear the crunch of snow as he trudged down the steps and away from her apartment, but instead there was a more insistent knock.

“You might as well open the door because I’m not leaving.”

Hannah stared at the door. Todd sounded different. The laid-back boy she remembered had been replaced by this determined and forceful guy she didn’t recognize at all, and yet she still found herself cracking the door open to him. Whatever happened to your fear of strangers? But irony encased that thought, for even this new Todd was in no way a stranger to her.

He stood on the porch, the collar of his wool jacket flipped up to shield his ears and his hands shoved in the front pockets of his slacks. Several years on an island off the southern end of the Malay Peninsula hadn’t prepared him for a Milford December. She was surprised by the impulse to warm his hands with her own, but she remained behind the cracked door.

“How did you find out where I live?”

“Andrew gave me your address.” He withdrew his hand from his pocket and held out a crumpled piece of paper.

“Why did Andrew—” she started to ask but stopped herself when the answer dawned.

Have you told Todd? Andrew’s words from that long ago night flashed through her mind. The youth minister and his future wife, Serena, had counseled her when she’d first discovered she was pregnant. She’d denied Andrew’s assertion that Todd was the father, and neither of them had pressured her to reveal her secret.

The secret that had come back to haunt her today.

Hannah sighed, suddenly exhausted by the energy it had required to keep the truth hidden. “Todd, what are you doing here?”

Todd’s teeth chattered as he zipped his jacket higher. “I told you I want to talk to you.”

She cocked her head to the side and studied him. Now that the shock of seeing him was beginning to wear off, old, mixed emotions began to resurface. Anger she realized she had no right to feel and long-buried hurt collided, leaving her insides feeling exposed. “After five years? Why would we have anything to talk about?”

“We do. I know I do.”

Hannah stared at him. He’d surprised her again with his certainty when she felt so unsure. “Maybe in a few days but not yet. I’m not ready—”

As she spoke those last three words, she started closing the door. Todd pressed his foot into the space before it could close completely.

“Isn’t five years long enough?” he said.

Staring at his dress shoe, Hannah waited, but he didn’t say more, so she finally lifted her gaze to his. In his eyes was a look of anguish so stark that Hannah could only remember seeing an expression like it once before. She’d found it in the mirror the day that Todd’s family left for the airport.

He glanced away and back, and the look was gone. “I’ve waited five years to apologize to you. I’m not leaving until you let me do it.”

Hannah blinked, her mind racing. A million times she’d imagined Todd’s reaction when she told him the truth. Now she only wanted to run and hide with her secret again, to protect her daughter from the fallout and herself from the blame she deserved.

But she couldn’t run anymore. Todd was right. It was time.

“Then I guess I’d better invite you in.”

Chapter Three

As Hannah pulled open the door, Todd released the breath he hadn’t even realized he’d been holding. His foot ached, more likely from standing out in the cold than from where she’d squeezed it in the door, but he didn’t care. He was here, she was here, and that was all that mattered.

“Nice place,” he said before he even stepped on the mat and took a look around.

And it was nice. Though one of the four smallish apartments in a renovated older house, Hannah had made it look warm and homey with overstuffed furniture and soft pillows. It was decorated in earth tones and dotted with artistic, framed black-and-white photographs of children.

The Christmas tree he’d first glimpsed through the front window radiated warmth, as well, with its homemade ornaments, popcorn strands and spatter of silvery icicles. No hand-blown glass balls and fussy velvet bows for Hannah’s apartment.

The woman herself looked as warm and casual as her house, dressed in well-worn jeans and a black long-sleeved top. She had fuzzy slippers on her feet. But her expression showed she was anything but comfortable with him in her space, and she looked as if she’d been crying.

“Yes, we like it.”

We? The smile that had formed on his face slipped away as he turned to her. What had he missed? Hannah took a few steps into the living room and motioned for Todd to follow.

There in the corner that he couldn’t see from the front door was a tiny blond girl, surrounded by baby dolls, blankets and play bottles. For several seconds, Todd stared at the child who was looking back at him with huge, haunting eyes. She looked familiar somehow.

“Come here, honey,” Hannah called to the child. When the little girl stood under her protective arm, Hannah turned back to face him.

“Todd, this is Rebecca. She’s my daughter.”

Daughter? Hannah had a daughter? He looked back and forth between them, his thoughts spinning. Though their features were slightly different, they both had lovely peachy skin and light, light hair. They were clearly relatives.

When he glanced away to collect his thoughts, his gaze landed again on the amazing photos dotting the walls on either side of the Christmas tree. The subjects of those photos, taken in a variety of natural backdrops, weren’t children, but rather one child—the same sweet-looking little girl standing right in front of him.

Clearing his throat, he turned back to them. “Nice pictures.”

“Thanks.”

“The photographer did a great job.”

She nodded but didn’t look at the portraits. Instead, she turned to her daughter. “Rebecca, this is Mr. McBride.”

“Hi,” she said quickly before taking refuge behind her mother’s jeans-clad leg.

“Hello, Rebecca.”

Todd shook his head, trying to reconcile the new information. Parts of this puzzle weren’t fitting together easily. Was Hannah married now? Was that what Andrew had been trying to tell him when he’d suggested that healing the relationship might not be easy? If that was it, how could the minister have been so cruel as to let him go on believing…hoping?

His gaze fell to Hannah’s left hand, the one she was using to lead the child back to her toys and out of earshot of their conversation.

Hannah wore no ring.

Suddenly all of Todd’s other questions fell away as one pressed to the forefront of his mind: a question too personal for him to ask. Still, when she returned to him, he took hold of her arm and led her around the corner to the entry so he could ask it.

“Who’s her father, Hannah?”

She shot a glance back at her daughter, as if she worried Rebecca had overheard. He couldn’t blame her if she shouted, “How dare you” for the private question and more. He deserved it.

But instead of yelling, she began in a soft tone. “You have to understand—”

“Who is it?” He couldn’t help it. He didn’t want an explanation; he wanted a name. Jealousy he had no right to feel swelled inside him, burning and destroying. The thought of another man touching her left his heart raw. If only he and Hannah had waited, their story might have turned out differently. Hannah might have been his wife. Her child, theirs.

Hannah stared back at him incredulously, as if she was shocked that he’d had the gall to ask. It wasn’t about wanting; he had to know.

“Is it that blond guy from church?”

“Grant?” Her eyes widened and then she shook her head. “He’s just a friend.”

“Do I know him then?”

“Of course you do.” She spat the words.

Strange, she sounded exasperated. She seemed to think he was an idiot for not knowing the answer. He stepped around the corner and studied the child again. She was so fair and beautiful, just like her mother. Rebecca must have sensed his attention on her because she looked up from her dolls and smiled at him.

And he knew.

His gut clenched, and he felt helpless to do anything but stare. Why it wasn’t immediately apparent to him he couldn’t imagine now. Her green eyes had looked familiar because he saw eyes like those in the mirror every morning.

Though he was no expert on children’s ages and this particular child was probably small for her age, as her mother had been, he could see from her features that she wasn’t a toddler. Rebecca looked about four years old, just old enough to have been conceived five years before.

“She’s mine, isn’t she?”

Hannah didn’t answer, but her eyes filled and a few tears escaped to trail down her cheeks. She brushed them away with the backs of her hands.

“Tell me I’m right, Hannah. Am I Rebecca’s father?”

Instead of nodding the way he was certain she would, Hannah shook her head. Her jaw flexed as if she was gritting her teeth.

“How could you have thought—” She stopped whatever she’d been about to say. Closing her eyes, she pressed her hands over her closed lids and took a few deep breaths before continuing. “If you’re asking if you supplied half of her DNA, then you’re right. But for her whole life, I’ve been both parents to Rebecca. She’s mine. Just mine.”

“Not just yours. She’s mine, too.”

Todd wasn’t sure whether he’d spoken those words aloud or just in the privacy of his heart until Hannah stalked from the room and crouched down by her daughter. No, their daughter.

Maybe he hadn’t said the right thing, but what did she expect when she’d just dropped a bomb like that? He didn’t know what to think, let alone what to say.

How naive he’d been with his big plans to return here and to earn Hannah’s forgiveness and her heart. He’d thought he and Hannah were the only two involved, that their old conflicts were only between the two of them, when a third person had been growing inside Hannah before he’d ever left.