A Husband's Vendetta

The damp-smelling blackness of the hall made her shiver. She hurried back to her flat. The door was stuck open and wouldn’t budge. That was all she needed! She struggled in mounting fury with it and eventually dragged it shut.

A sense of panic skittered through her mind. Life was crowding in on her again, making difficulties. And she had to admit that she was scared of her ability to cope if too many things went wrong. A groan escaped her dry lips at the horror of losing control again and sinking into the black depths of suicidal despair. No. That mustn’t happen.

‘Help me, help me!’ she whispered, forcing the words through her teeth.

As she walked shakily into the room, she caught a glimpse of her white and strained face in the mirror above the mantelpiece. She looked awful. Huge smudged eyes filled with misery. Sullen, down-turned mouth. Grimly she willed her spirits to rise.

Luc. She was seeing Luc after an eternity. He’d be…twenty-eight now. What would he think of her?! She took herself back to their first meeting. She’d been storming along the A38 near her home, in an attempt to walk off her fury after yet another row with her tyrannical and dogmatic father. She’d infuriated him by refusing to encourage the attentions of the limp, insufferably smug son of their wealthy neighbour. Her father had had ambitions for her. Most of them boiled down to seeing her married to a wealthy, influential man.

As she’d stomped along, steaming at her father’s accusations of her wilfulness, ingratitude and downright stubborn stupidity, it had begun to rain in torrents, drenching her beautiful silk Bellini suit in seconds. No wonder Luc had stopped his lorry! He must have thought he was hallucinating, especially when she accepted his offer of a lift, slipped off her gorgeous Italian shoes, wriggled her expensive skirt up to her thighs and clambered up the high steps into the cab.

‘I don’t care where you’re going,’ she’d said grimly, not looking at him, not even aware that she’d picked an Adonis. ‘Just drive me somewhere dry where I can fume for a while!’

That was then. And now…she saw a completely different woman. One who’d been to hell and back, grown wiser, more wary, more grateful for small mercies.

Her mind cleared, her soft, unhappy mouth grew firmer and she straightened, proud of how she’d survived, telling herself to be content with the person she’d become. When she’d left him she’d been scrawny and unhealthy-looking in a baggy old jumper and dowdy skirt, a walking scarecrow who’d forgotten what life and laughter were like.

She felt a hollow sensation in her stomach thinking of that ghastly moment when she’d found herself on the pavement outside their little house. What kind of mother left her child? A Class One cow, of course. She gave an involuntary shudder, her eyes as dark and shiny as rain-battered slate.

It hadn’t occurred to Luc that there might be a powerful explanation for such unusual behaviour. He’d believed that she didn’t love Gemma. Far from it. She’d put her daughter before her own needs. Always had, always would.

The birth had been awful. Her baby had been two weeks overdue and she’d been induced. The drugs had given her a protracted and painful labour and had left her in shock. It had been nearly a year before post-traumatic stress had been diagnosed and she’d begun treatment.

At the time, though, Luc had had no idea that her decision to leave was instinctive, to save Gemma’s life. The greatest sacrifice she could make.

No. He hadn’t even paused to think. Ellen let out a small sigh. They hadn’t known one another very well. It had been a whirlwind courtship of fun and passion, and her reckless, impulsive behaviour in urging him to run away with her to London had contributed to the wrong impression he’d formed of her when she couldn’t bond with her baby.

‘What the hell are you doing?’ he’d demanded, when he’d come home and found her case in the hall—and Gemma yelling her head off in the tiny sitting room beyond.

‘Going.’ It was all she could manage. A huge lump of emotion was blocking her throat. She desperately wanted to take Gemma in her arms. But didn’t dare.

He gave an impatient snort of disbelief and pushed past her, grabbing the nappy sack and crouching on the carpet beside his screaming daughter. Confused, she watched from the doorway as he undid Gemma’s rompers.

‘God!’ he said in disgust. ‘She’s soaking! What do you do all day? This place is a tip!’

‘I…did change her, not long ago! Today?’ She found it hard to think, her mind fuddled. ‘I went shopping.’

Nervously she indicated a pile of bags full of clothes for herself which she didn’t need and would never wear. And she didn’t even know why she’d gone out, let alone bought the stuff. Absurd.

‘Shopping!’ he exploded. ‘We’re in debt, Ellen! I’m working all hours to pay just the interest! Why do you do this to me? Gemma’s your priority, not yourself. You could have picked her up! Seen to her!’

No. No, she couldn’t. She had to keep away and overcome that awful urge to grab Gemma and fling her across the room. No one understood. The doctor had put her on sedatives and implied that she was behaving like a spoilt child. Perhaps he’d even said as much to Luc!

After the birth Luc had been puzzled and then annoyed by her lack of interest in Gemma, but she was helpless in the face of the overwhelming fear that she would harm her child, and she was capable of focusing only on that one, overriding primitive instinct to protect her baby.

‘I have to go!’ she croaked, trembling and as limp as a rag doll.

He shot her a quick glance, his eyes narrowing as they searched hers. ‘Where? We don’t know anyone around here. Do you mean,’ he asked tightly, ‘that you’re off to visit your parents? They’re actually speaking to you again?’

Ellen licked her lips, her eyes hollow from night after night without sleep. ‘I’m…leaving you.’

His shoulders rose and fell several times before he spoke. By that time Gemma had been deftly cleaned, dried and dressed again, and was tucked over her father’s shoulder and whimpering quietly.

‘What have I done?’ he asked in a low tone. But despite his attempt at control, his voice was shaken.

‘Nothing. It’s me. I can’t stay!’ she blurted out. ‘I can’t stand it any longer.’

‘It? Do you mean Gemma?’ he demanded, his face black with anger. She nodded. She couldn’t stay because of Gemma. ‘It. My God! You self-centred, idle…’ His eyes closed in pain. ‘If I hadn’t come back early, you would have left her,’ he said menacingly. ‘Yelling and alone—’

She flinched at the accusation. ‘No! I was waiting for you to come back! She…she was crying! She kept crying! On and on…’

‘But you wouldn’t pick her up.’

At her wits’ end, her mind confused, Ellen turned her back on him, unable to meet the bitterness and loathing in his eyes. Summoning up all her strength, she bent to pick up her case. Behind her, she heard a sharp intake of breath and she straightened, terrified of what he might do.

‘My God! You…you mean it, then!’ he breathed in horror.

‘Yes,’ she replied listlessly. ‘I’m going to my parents.’

Luc placed Gemma on the play mat and in two ground-swallowing strides was standing in front of her, fury in every line of his body. ‘Why?’ he raged. ‘OK, leave me, fall out of love with me, be bored by me. I can understand that—but how can you leave your own baby?’

Numb with misery, she stared back, watching him push back his hair in a tell-tale gesture that echoed the bewilderment in his face.

‘Say something!’ he snapped.

‘Nothing to say,’ she mumbled painfully.

‘You can’t go! She needs you!’ he cried passionately. ‘You’re fit and well. She’s not thriving. Don’t you care? Doesn’t your heart bleed when she cries? Don’t you feel pity?’ He stared at her uncomprehendingly, his frustration mounting. ‘What kind of a monster are you,’ he demanded, ‘that you rarely pick your own baby up and barely look at her? Why don’t you cuddle her? God, Ellen, can’t you find it in your heart to love her?’

She couldn’t answer. She didn’t know. Only that she was scared of killing Gemma. Scared of the madness and violence which kept sneaking up and possessing her without warning. So she’d blocked her daughter from her mind as far as possible and turned her emotions to ice.

The suffocating sensation was taking over her body again. Knowing how close she was to screaming, she remained mute and kept her own counsel, willing her legs not to shake and betray the weakness which clamoured relentlessly within her, and which urged her to stay in the hope she might get better.

So she chanted to herself. I must go. For Gemma’s safety. I must go…

Seeing only her mask of cool indifference, he grabbed her roughly then, his eyes brilliant with passion and pain. For a moment they struggled as she tried to escape. But he was very strong and she had no energy to continue.

‘The trouble is, you’re used to being Daddy’s little darling!’ He let her go in disgust and she stood as motionless as a statue, fighting her illness with a single-minded desperation. ‘Adversity’s not your scene. You want to be featherbedded. You’re used to having money and we have none. You can’t hack it. I suppose you regret leaving your father’s expensive home. Romance in a hovel isn’t all you imagined, is it?’

‘Luc, please…!’ she croaked.

‘You want life on a platter. And all I’ve offered you is love and poverty!’ he thundered on, almost incoherent now. ‘Not enough, is it? Having a baby has made things worse. It forces you to think of someone other than yourself for a change! Too hard for you, is it?’ he taunted.

She nodded because she could do nothing else. Fear for her baby—and for herself—had driven her to this. She was going mad. Terror claimed her. She didn’t want to be sectioned and psychoanalysed in some awful institution.

Only her father could help now. Pride would stop him from revealing her madness. He’d find a private doctor to help and, she acknowledged bitterly, he’d probably welcome her vulnerability. And she’d see her mother again, be held in her arms…

Luc had gone white around the mouth and was trembling with emotion and exhaustion. Her heart went out to him. She knew he must be unbelievably tired after his twelve-hour shifts, especially when he always came home to chaos and then had to start cooking his own supper.

She ached to see him so hurt. Part of her wanted him to suspect that something was wrong, to take her in his arms and promise that together they could solve any problem. But when she reached out a tentative hand he drew back from her as if she were offering poison.

‘I don’t want to shake hands with you. I don’t want to touch you. Just get out of my sight!’ he muttered viciously. ‘Go back to your father. Help him count his money and live out his lonely, egocentric life! You don’t belong to my world and never have. You’re superficial and selfish and only out for a good time. I might come from a slum, but at least my family taught me decent values and I know how to love someone other than myself—’

‘Luc—’ she began jerkily, her eyes soft with unshed tears.

‘No!’ he yelled, clearly close to breaking point. ‘Don’t prolong this; I couldn’t bear it. There’s no point in hanging around! Just go! Get out of my house! I don’t want to see you ever again!’

His brutal words beat into her brain like iron hammers. The injustice bit deep into her heart. If he’d truly loved her, he would have tried to stop her. But he didn’t. He couldn’t wait for her to leave.

Cold to the bone, she took a last look at her baby. Poor little mite. She lay on the padded play mat and started to scream. Goodbye, Gemma. Forgive me, she prayed forlornly. For a split second Gemma stopped crying. The coincidence was too much for Ellen to bear. Almost sick with despair, she turned on her heel and stumbled out, a well of acrid tears streaming from her eyes and almost blinding her.

She heard her luggage being flung out on the ground beside her, because she’d forgotten it in her panic. The door was slammed shut with a vehemence that rattled its glass panes.

Indifferent to their neighbours’ twitching curtains, she remained for a long time outside their tiny terrace house—their love-nest which they’d painted and decorated and loved and laughed in. Inside, Luc could be heard trying to calm Gemma. When the child’s screaming stopped, Ellen numbly picked up her case and walked away.

Back to her parents. Back to ‘I told you so’.

Her father’s self-congratulatory attitude made her feel worse. He’d been proved right—and therefore he assumed the right to dictate her every move. Crushed and defenceless, her mind a fuddled blur, she let herself be pushed around because she didn’t care what happened to her any more. She had lost the two people she loved.

But it was almost the last straw when her hair fell out. Great handfuls of it remained on the pillow each morning. Every sweep of her hairbrush drew out clumps of hair, roots and all, leaving disgusting bare patches on her head. That nearly tipped her over the edge, and she wept and wept for her lost love, her child and her femininity.

At that moment, with her breakdown worsening with every day, Luc took a devastating revenge which almost destroyed her reason entirely. He took Gemma away to Italy. Ellen had never believed she could suffer so much and not die of despair.

But she had survived. And she was looking at an altogether different person now. Critically she scrutinised her elfin hairstyle, her perfect skin—thanks to a healthy eating regime—and her up-to-date clothes.

Luc would be the one at a disadvantage, not her. She stood there for a moment, breathing steadily, gathering up her courage. And now she was ready.

Stuffing the chocolate bar and magazine in her big canvas shoulder bag, she malevolently eyed the door, which lurked with intent, like an implacable enemy.

‘I hereby name you Luc!’ she muttered with loathing.

Then she whipped out her mascara and lipstick for a quick coat all round, and slipped her small feet into a pair of high-heeled shoes before going forth to limbo around the door and meet its namesake head on.

By the time Ellen arrived at the café, Luc was already there. His face was hidden behind an Italian newspaper, but Ellen knew it was a million to one chance that anyone else would be reading La Stampa and wearing knife-creased beige trousers with matching socks and designer shoes in this particular part of London!

‘Hi, Ell. Usual?’ called out the young waitress cheerfully, flicking back her marmalade ponytail.

‘Thanks, Tracy.’ Feeling unbelievably nervous, she shut the door with exaggerated care. A coffee and doughnut would give her something to hold, to fiddle with. Props could prove useful, she thought.

Luc was knocked sideways by Ellen’s appearance. He watched her sashay in and felt that old, familiar grabbing at his guts as the full impact of her amazing sex appeal rocketed around the small café.

It occurred to him that this could be the last time he ever saw her, and he decided to make the most of the opportunity to feast his eyes.

To this end, he studied her avidly. Her hair was incredible, hugging her head in close, feathery blonde wisps which accentuated the clean lines of her beautiful face and neck.

It suited her. The new Ellen excited him. Everything about her gave off a challenge: the carriage of her body, her clothes and that assured manner which suggested she didn’t give a damn about anybody’s opinion.

Yet she was sending out sexual signals too, in every movement she made, in each glance from those smoky eyes and with every word that came from her pillowy lips. She looked, in fact, as if she’d just climbed out of a tumbled bed.

As well she might.

His teeth ground together and he fought down the rush of jealousy which had come from nowhere to scour his stomach. Her appearance confirmed the spur-of-the-moment decision he’d come to during their telephone conversation.

She wasn’t the kind of person he wanted Gemma to be with, not ever again. Ellen’s part in the visit was off. He’d have to make other arrangements. Nothing could be more inconvenient! Still, there was one consolation. At least in future he wouldn’t have to cope with Gemma’s hysterics every time she returned from seeing her flighty, selfish mother.

Slowly his resentful gaze wandered over Ellen’s tight, firm rear, and he felt his blood pressure rising as he imagined other men touching her, hearing her moans and whimpers…. Luc clenched his fists, but in his mind he was tasting the softness of her flesh, its satin smoothness eagerly accepting his tongue, his lips…

Shaking, he lifted the newspaper higher and hid behind it, appalled by the strength of his desire. He tried to read but her image danced before his eyes and the latest political scandal didn’t have a chance. Wherever he focused, there was Ellen: slender and beautiful and wearing that outrageous lime top and body-moulding skirt, both of which left little to the imagination as far as her shapely curves were concerned.

She was announcing her availability. And he was salivating and lusting after her like any normal male. But the difference was that he knew that she was a piranha and he had no intention of being eaten alive. On the contrary, he meant to eat her.

Ellen had heard the rustle of the newspaper and presumed he was looking in her direction. Contrarily, she ignored him and made her way to the counter instead of going over and saying hello. Behind her back she could feel the atmosphere thickening. The hairs on the nape of her neck came to attention.

She didn’t want to turn around. Her first-night nerves seemed to have returned with a vengeance. She felt, she thought, groping for humour to ease her jitters, as if she were about to recite her thirty-four times table before a bunch of university dons.

‘How’s your love life? Still fighting them off?’ asked Tracy enviously, in a voice which could have reached across a windswept airfield.

Ellen gave a silent groan. More grist to Luc’s mill! Not that it mattered any more. ‘In droves,’ she said with a sigh.

Tracy leaned close and produced her version of a whisper. ‘That’s one of yours, over there. Been asking after you. Eyelashes and foreign accent to die for! Go on, grab him before someone else does—’

‘No, thanks. I’m trying to give him up. He’s my estranged husband, Tracy,’ she said drily. And she winked and made a face to show that she wasn’t offended by Tracy’s remarks.

‘No sweat!’ Tracy eyed Ellen in awe. ‘You sure can reel ’em in! So who left who?’

Casting a covert glance at the mirror behind Tracy’s head, she saw that Luc was watching her, his dark eyes glittering cynically.

‘I left him.’

‘I knew it! You’re mad!’ Tracy said with a grin.

Ellen gave a wry smile. ‘Many a true word said in jest,’ she replied.

With her heart beating in a peculiar rhythm, she picked up her coffee and doughnut and swivelled around carefully, remaining perfectly balanced on her stilettos. A movement told her that, always the gentleman, he’d risen from his seat and was waiting for her to go over. Deliberately avoiding his gaze, she walked towards him with measured stride, her eyes firmly fixed on the mug and plate in her hands.

Everything seemed magnified. Her breathing. The supple movement of her body, the unstoppable sway of her hips. And suddenly she became intensely conscious of the tightness of her skirt and the brightness of the top she was wearing.

She argued that her clothes were no different from those of the younger women at work. The same as Tracy’s even. It annoyed her that she suddenly felt uncomfortable with what she was wearing, when even blue-blooded babes in the society columns were sporting equally trendy and far racier outfits. There was nothing wrong with her gear. She looked great. To hell with it.

‘Evening.’

The manner in which he spoke conveyed total disapproval. By focusing her attention on placing the plate and mug on the table, then sliding gracefully onto the red plastic seat, she successfully dispelled her knee-jerk dismay at Luc’s intense assessment. He could think what he liked. She didn’t need his approbation.

Slowly she elevated her chin, meeting his gaze with a steely and haughty stare. He returned it with the force of a flashing laser beam. A shock of recognition ran through her body, throwing her emotions into a spin. He still hated her! Hastily she dipped her startled eyes to her doughnut.

‘Been waiting long?’ she asked, as if she didn’t care if he had.

Thank you, she said to the doughnut silently. Thanks for being there! She raised it to her lips and took a small, almost fussy little bite. And, without thinking, delicately licked the sugar grains from the corners of her mouth with her small questing tongue.

He didn’t reply, but she was aware of some kind of struggle going on inside him. That surprised her. Without knowing how or why, she was reading his body, the imperceptible movements of his chest and shoulders, the change in his breathing. But then she knew it so well.

The doughnut proved useful again, allowing her to sink her teeth into it and drive away all memories of Luc’s beautiful physique. The mystery of his strained silence remained. Inwardly shaken by the impact of his venom, she looked up again and raised one beautifully arched eyebrow to its full extent.

‘Something wrong?’ she asked coolly.

He looked expensive. Suit, shirt, watch, manicure, groomed hair, the lot. He’d made a good deal of money if his appearance was anything to go by.

She watched the shapely shoulder lift a fraction in an imperceptible shrug. He treated her to a full head-to-middle appraisal, only the table between them preventing him from continuing down to her thighs, bare legs and shoes.

Ellen tensed, finding the thought of a whole-body search by his roving eyes horribly disconcerting. And very, very exciting.

Unnerved by this, she lowered her lashes again, certain that he could identify her disgusting reaction. Too many early nights, she thought gloomily. Along came a half-decent-looking man and all her needs had to kick common sense into touch!

‘I wasn’t expecting you to be so…’ Another long, slow glance. He made a sound in his throat like a husky growl. ‘So up-front,’ he finished grimly. ‘I hardly recognised you.’

That could be a compliment or an insult. She fiddled with her almost non-existent hair from habit, surprised as always not to find a mass of curls beneath her fingers. Disconcerted by the discovery, she struggled not to become a casualty of his wickedly unconscious sensuality.

‘I’m not the same person you knew at all.’

‘I can see that.’

He had followed the arc of her creamy arm, his hooded gaze wandering down its curves to her breasts. And he’d smiled to himself, his wonderfully erotic mouth lifting with hunger when his lazy glance somehow tightened her flesh and caused her nipples to peak through the thin fabric. Incensed at being so damn obvious, she folded her arms across her chest, hoping that she looked a million times less flustered than she felt.

‘What a change!’ he went on slowly, the husky admiration in his voice warming her through and through. She felt pleased. She’d wanted him to be impressed. And then he spoiled it. ‘I can see you’ve become a fully-fledged fun-loving girl,’ he drawled, making that sound like a crime.

‘Woman!’ she corrected, forcing herself to stay remote. You didn’t go through hell and out the other side and stay girly.

Luc slowly shook his head. ‘I don’t think so. Women take life seriously when necessary.’

‘You poor old thing! You’re so stuffy,’ she countered breezily, not bothering to defend herself. Why should she? Let him think she was having a ball. Nothing mattered any more.

‘Better stuffy than frivolous,’ he replied stiffly.

Watching him, she realised that he wasn’t happy; it was written all over his face. He had the gravity of a man who hadn’t laughed in ages. She longed to ask him questions, to know what had happened to him. But she bit them back. He’d think her interest was personal, whereas it was… She frowned. What was it?