Bitter Memories

Never had she felt so humiliated. She really had thought that she meant something to him. Her sister had been right. If only she had listened, if only she hadn’t let herself get so deeply emotionally involved.

For two days Tanya did not leave her flat. Her face was so swollen by crying that she was too embarrassed to go to work, and she didn’t even care whether she lost her job. Life was hell all of a sudden.

To begin with she had thought that Alejandro would contact her, that he would come round and explain everything, declare his love, say his father was mistaken, but she heard nothing, and the two days turned into a week, a week of intense misery. When she could stand it no longer she swallowed her pride and marched round to the hotel. It couldn’t just end like this; she wouldn’t let it. Maybe he had been right and she wrong. Maybe he had written to Juanita. Maybe she ought to give him the benefit of the doubt.

The news that he had gone back to Tenerife paralysed her, the shock of it almost greater than discovering that he had another girl. He had gone without a word, without trying to patch things up between them. It was over, all over, and when her sister announced that she had accepted a job as under-manager in a new, though relatively small hotel in Sheffield, Tanya readily accepted the invitation to go and live with her.

Several months went by, during which time Tanya gradually came back to life, settled down in a new job as a junior secretary with a computer software company, and resolutely pushed Alejandro out of her mind.

Until the day Charlene came home with the news that she had heard Alejandro was married. Tanya’s mouth fell open and she felt as though someone had kicked her legs from beneath her. She dropped on to the nearest chair. ‘To Juanita?’ she managed to whisper.

Charlene nodded. ‘I’m so sorry, Tan. But I thought it best you knew. Now you’ll be able to get on with your life, accept some of those dates that you keep refusing.’

‘But how—how did you find out?’ Tanya’s blue eyes were wide and troubled, her face pale.

‘I got talking to one of the guests who hailed from Tenerife. I happened to mention Alejandro, and strangely enough he knew him—or at least he knew of him.’

Tanya swallowed hard. ‘How long ago did he get married?’

Charlene shrugged. ‘I don’t know; he didn’t say.’

So that definitely was the end of it, thought Tanya, as she lay in bed that night. Not even to herself had she admitted that she always hoped he might come back, that he would trace her and declare his love for her. Now there was no chance, none at all. It was definitely the end.

She still found it difficult to believe that he had been so warm and loving towards her when all the time there had been another girl in the background. She really had thought he was genuinely in love with her; she had never dreamt that it was all a game to him.

After this further blow to her pride Tanya decided that she had stayed in long enough. She would go out on dates, enjoy male company, but she would never, ever, let herself become involved again. She would be like her sister, a dedicated career woman.

All went well until two years later when she met Peter. He was warm and wonderful and kind, and she fell in love. It was nothing like her love for Alejandro; this was a much gentler relationship, with none of the passion and hunger that had so inflamed her body, sent her soaring with the stars and flying with the eagles. But nevertheless she was content, and twelve months later they were married. Three years after that Peter died from a long and serious illness. Tanya was devastated. At the age of twenty-four she had suffered two terrible losses.

It took her time to pull herself together, but she managed it, and when she applied for promotion, and got the job of PA to the managing director of the software company, she put her heart and soul into her work, not minding that John Drake asked her to work long hours, that sometimes she dropped into bed so exhausted that she was sure she wouldn’t wake with the alarm the next morning. But always she did, and somehow she survived.

When Charlene announced that she’d been offered a job running a large hotel in Tenerife Tanya could not believe the irony of it. Mention of Alejandro’s native country brought painful memories back, and wild horses wouldn’t drag her out there with her sister, although Charlene had done her best to persuade her.

‘I have my own house now. I’m settled here; I like it,’ Tanya insisted.

‘And I suppose you’re trying to tell me it has nothing to do with Alejandro Vazquez,’ taunted Charlene.

‘No, I’m not; it has everything to do with him. There’s no way I want to meet that man again.’

‘You’re still hung up over him?’ Charlene frowned. ‘I thought all that had died when you married Peter. You haven’t mentioned him for years.’

‘He was my first love,’ announced Tanya quietly. ‘I’ll never forget him.’

CHAPTER TWO

CHARLENE took a few days off work to show Tanya around, and there was far too much to see and enthuse over to worry herself about Alejandro, although she privately wished her sister hadn’t torn up his card. Even though she would never, ever get in touch with him she was curious to know where he lived.

Señora Guerra was a dressmaker, with the reputation of being the finest one on the island, and with the start of Tenerife’s annual carnaval only two weeks away she was busy finishing off the many costumes she had been asked to make. There was a constant stream of visitors to the house, all eagerly trying on and picking up their costumes. One room had been set aside for this purpose, and it was like an Aladdin’s cave, filled with richly coloured fabrics, beads, sequins, feathers, each costume taking hours and hours of painstaking work to complete.

Tanya liked dressmaking herself and took a keen interest in all that was going on, and very often Señora Guerra—or Matilde, as she asked to be called—invited Tanya to see the dresses actually being tried on.

When a dark red, open-topped Mercedes pulled up outside one afternoon Tanya thought nothing of it, until she recognised the driver and his companion. Alejandro and his wife! It could not be! And yet it was. She could hardly believe her bad luck. Already she had told Matilde that she would like to see this particular dress tried on. There was no escape.

Her heart began to race at double-quick time, but as she watched from her window she saw Alejandro drive away, leaving his wife to walk alone into the house. It was a bitter sort of relief.

It took her all of five minutes to go down to Matilde’s sewing-room, five minutes to calm her racing thoughts and still her trembling body. Although a confrontation with Alejandro had been avoided, meeting his wife would be as much of a trauma. How could she be civil to the woman who had married the man she, Tanya, loved?

Matilde smiled as she walked in and made introductions in her very rapid Spanish, as always speaking so quickly that one word ran into another and Tanya had no real idea what she had said the woman’s name was—not that she needed to be told!

As Tanya watched the dress being pinned and adjusted she covertly studied Juanita. It was no wonder Alejandro loved her; she was beautiful. All the girls in Tenerife were beautiful, she had noticed, but this woman had a serene sort of beauty that came from within, that came with the confidence of being loved and in love. She stood tall and proud, and the purple and silver dress enhanced her dark Latin features, and Tanya hated her.

‘You are English?’ she said to Tanya, looking at her through the mirror, her smile wide, her teeth even and very white, and when Tanya nodded, ‘My husband— he teach me a little English, but I do not use it often. I have never been to England. My husband—he say it is very cold there?’

Tanya smiled and nodded. ‘Sometimes. It’s our winter now, and it was snowing when I left.’

‘It is our winter too.’ Juanita laughed. ‘It is not so warm, do you think?’

’To me it’s very warm,’ Tanya returned. ‘You’re so lucky to live in a place with such a wonderful climate.’ And if it hadn’t been for this attractive woman she might have been living here herself! Her mouth tightened at the thought.

The woman frowned and turned from the mirror to look directly at Tanya. ‘Something is wrong?’

Tanya shook her head and forced a smile. ‘It was just a thought, nothing important. I’m sorry. Your dress is so beautiful. Do you take part in the carnaval every year?’

‘Yes—and sometimes my husband too, but this year he say he is too busy, too much work.’

Which accounted for the fact that he had dropped her off and not come in while the fitting took place. But he would be back, and Tanya was determined that she would not be here; she would shut herself away in her room until he had safely gone.

‘You will come and see the coso? The coso is—how do you say it? The grand parade? Everything stops; even my husband, he take that day off. You can join him, if you like.’

An attack of panic quickened Tanya’s heart, but somehow she managed to keep a smile pinned to her lips. ‘You’re very kind, but I expect I shall go with my sister.’

‘Ah, your sister, yes. Matilde, she mentioned her. She lives here, is that right? She works in a hotel?’

Tanya nodded.

‘She has been here in Tenerife a long time?’

’Two years, yes.’

‘And you have not visited before. Why is that?’

Because the man I loved married you! The words were there inside her, aching to get out, but they would never be spoken. Surprisingly Tanya found herself liking this woman, liking her as a person in her own right, hating her only because of her association with Alejandro. ‘I’ve been too busy,’ she managed, and it was in part the truth—even if it was of her own making.

‘And do you like Tenerife?’

‘Very much, what little I’ve seen of it so far.’

‘You must come and visit us. My husband and I, we will be very pleased.’

Tanya’s smile grew weaker. ‘You’re very kind, thank you, but I’m not sure that I’ll have the time. There is so much to see and do.’

To her relief Matilde spoke, successfully putting an end to the conversation, and Juanita went behind a screen to take off the dress. Tanya wanted to make her escape, but Matilde indicated that she was going to make some coffee and would like her to join them.

For the next fifteen minutes Tanya was on tenterhooks, and just as she thought she could successfully make her excuses she heard Alejandro’s car outside and his firm rap on the door.

Matilde went to open it and Juanita spoke, though Tanya had no idea what she said. All she could think of was that any second now she was going to come face to face with Alejandro. At least she was forewarned— he would have no idea that the girl he had once had a passionate affair with was sitting talking to his wife. It would be interesting to see his reaction.

To give him his due, there was little more than a sudden jerking muscle in his jaw to give away his surprise, and probably neither of the others even noticed.

His shoulders were broader than Tanya remembered, his black hair slightly longer, and, although he wore an open-necked shirt and plain grey trousers, they looked designer-made, his leather shoes too. In fact everything about him screamed money. He had told her that his father was a farmer, owning huge areas of land where he grew bananas and tomatoes, and that it was his ambition to follow in his footsteps. Was this from where his wealth came?

Matilde began to make introductions, but Alejandro stopped her and presumably announced that they were already acquainted. Certainly there was surprise in the woman’s eyes as she looked briefly at Tanya and back to Alejandro.

But his attention was now on Tanya, and her heart began to panic as she looked at him—as she discovered that the attraction was still there! She had never expected to feel this kind of emotion; she had been filled with hate and disillusionment for so long that she had thought all other feelings dead. It was a shock to discover that he still had some sort of power over her.

‘So we meet again, Tanya.’ There was no warmth in his voice, no hint of pleasure. He was aloof, distancing himself from her, which was odd, considering that at the airport he had insisted that he wanted to talk to her.

She looked into the coldness of his eyes, matching the chill with her own. ‘Unfortunately, yes, and if you’ll excuse me I was just about to return to my room.’

A frown appeared. ‘You’re staying here—with Matilde?’

‘That’s right,’ she answered sharply, ‘And so is Charlene.’

‘For how long?’ It was almost an accusation.

‘I’m here for a month—it’s my holiday. Charlene lives here permanently.’

A slight pause. ‘I didn’t know. Matilde’s never mentioned it.’

‘There’s no reason why she should.’ Tanya lifted her hand to remove a stray strand of hair from her face, and as she did so Alejandro’s eyes went to the wedding-ring that she still wore. There was a sudden narrowing, a start of surprise, though why he should be astonished she did not know. Nine years was a long time to remain single, to hold a torch for the man she had once loved. ‘Goodbye, Alejandro,’ she said quietly, coolly, and with a nod to his wife and to Matilde she left the room.

To her amazement he followed. ‘I think after all there is much to be said, Tanya.’

She lifted her brows. ‘Really?’

His snort of anger shocked her. ‘I know you no longer have any feelings for me, but—’

‘But nothing,’ she cut in swiftly. ‘It’s the whole point, isn’t it? Neither of us have any feelings; it was all over a long time ago, so what is there to say? I’m not the sort of person who harbours feelings about the past, at least not when we parted on such bad terms. I’d rather leave things as they are.’

‘I’d like to know what you’ve been doing.’

‘Really?’ Her fine, well-shaped brows rose.

‘You’re married!’ It was a statement rather than a question, almost an accusation.

Tanya was tempted to let him go on thinking it, but an innate sense of honesty made her say quietly, ‘I was.’

A quick frown. ‘You’re divorced?’

‘I’m a widow.’ she replied flatly.

‘Oh—I’m sorry.’ His face shadowed. ‘You have my condolences.’

Tanya was not sure that he meant it, and she looked at him coldly. ‘Thank you.’

‘And I’d still like to talk to you.’

She shook her head firmly. ‘There’s no point. It would be a complete waste of time. Goodbye, Alejandro.’

She did not expect him to let her go, but he did, though she was conscious of him watching her as she moved down the narrow enclosed corridor to her room.

Not until she closed the door behind her did Tanya realise that she was holding her breath, and now she dragged a deep gulp of air into her tortured lungs. It was worse than she had imagined. Over the years her anger had faded. Peter had restored her sanity, made her see that she couldn’t dwell on the past forever. But what she hadn’t remembered was the physical attraction. None of that had faded—he still had the power to turn her limbs to jelly whether she liked it or not.

It really would be disastrous if she saw him again. Notwithstanding the fact that he was married and unavailable, it would be torture; her body wouldn’t be able to cope. Not even with Peter had she reached the heights she had scaled with Alejandro—could again if she dared let it happen. Oh, no, she must never, ever let herself be coerced into any sort of one-to-one situation.

It actually amazed her that she still felt this magnetism, this strong pull towards him. It was unreal. Everything had been killed stone-dead nine years ago—or so she had thought!

She stood at the window, and less than five minutes later saw him opening the car door for his wife, pausing a moment before he got in himself, looking back at the house, almost as though he was aware of her there behind the shutters. Tanya knew he could not see her, but instinctively stepped back, and when he had gone she gave a sigh of relief and sat down on the edge of the bed.

Later, when Charlene came home, Tanya told her all about her meeting with Alejandro. ‘I could not believe it when I saw him.’

‘A cruel twist of fate, I agree,’ said her sister. ‘And what a nerve, wanting to see you again after the way he behaved. I hope you told him where to get off.’

Tanya nodded. ‘I think I made myself clear.’

‘And you say the dress isn’t quite ready. Dò you think he’ll come again?’

‘Goodness, I hope not,’ said Tanya. ‘I’m hoping his wife will pick it up herself.’

‘Perhaps she doesn’t drive.’

Tanya closed her eyes. ‘Whatever happens, I’m going to keep well out of his way.’

But it didn’t turn out like that. A few days later Matilde’s daughter-in-law went into labour, complications set in, and Matilde was off like a shot to be with her family. And the very same afternoon Alejandro arrived to pick up his wife’s dress.

Tanya opened the door without even thinking that it might be him, and when their eyes met her jaw sagged. ‘I’m sorry; Señora Guerra’s not at home.’ She looked at him coldly, her tone distant. ‘You’ll have to come back some other time; I don’t know whether the dress is ready or not.’

‘Fate moves in mysterious ways.’

Her brows rose characteristically. ‘You think it’s fate that’s throwing us together?’

‘It would seem that way.’

She let out a little cry of fury. ‘It seems more like a curse to me. I’ll tell Matilde you called.’

But his foot was inside the door before she could stop him. ‘Matilde wouldn’t be very pleased if she knew you were shutting me out of her house.’ His jaw was taut, his eyes glacial.

‘Matilde doesn’t know the circumstances.’

‘I was compelled to tell her a little; she was puzzled as to how we knew each other.’

And your wife, she wanted to ask, did she hear your explanation too? Has she found out that I’m the girl you once had an affair with? The one you wrote to her about? Not that she had ever truly believed him. Her mouth was tight, her eyes mutinous. ‘I don’t care what Matilde might think. I don’t want you here; I have nothing to say to you.’

‘Were you happy in your marriage?’

The question took her by surprise, and she relaxed her grip on the door. Instantly Alejandro pushed his way inside. Tanya followed, leaving the door open, feeling that at least she had an escape route should she need it.

‘You haven’t answered my question.’ His abrupt tone made her look at him sharply.

‘Of course I was happy. I was very much in love with Peter.’

‘More than you loved me?’

The directness of his question made her gasp. ‘I never loved you.’

His eyes narrowed. ‘You gave a very good imitation of it.’

‘Did I?’ she asked coldly. ‘You must have been mistaken. As far as I was concerned all we were having was a brief affair, fun while it lasted. I always knew you’d be coming back here.’ Lies, all lies. Goodness, how could she say such a thing?

‘So it meant nothing to you.’

‘No.’ The obsidian darkness of his eyes unnerved her, and her answer came out in a husky whisper. She covered her embarrassment by turning it into a cough.

‘And the moment my back was turned you found yourself another man and got married?’

He made it sound as though she had done it the very next day, but she wasn’t going to deny it. ‘Something like that.’

He shook his head, looking at her with an intentness that cut right through her. ‘I never thought you were that kind of girl.’

And she hadn’t thought he was the sort of man who would use a girl and then let her down with no compunction whatsoever. ‘It looks as though we never really knew each other.’

He nodded. ‘It certainly does.’

‘And now we’ve sorted that out perhaps you’ll go. You’ll have to call again for the dress.’

‘What’s the hurry?’ He smiled faintly, grimly, and sat in Matilde’s rocking-chair.

Alarm bells rang in Tanya’s head. ‘Aren’t you a busy man?’

‘Not so much that I can’t spare the odd hour to talk to an old—flame.’

He said the word sneeringly, and Tanya bridled. At the same time she could not help noticing how much better his command of the English language was. He had scarcely an accent now, and she wondered whether he had been back to England or whether he had English friends here. Whatever, he was certainly very good.

‘Perhaps the “old flame” doesn’t want to talk to you,’ she returned acidly.

‘You have other plans? You’re going out, is that it? Sightseeing all by yourself. What a pity your sister is working while You’re here on holiday. It cannot be much fun.’

His derogatory tone needled Tanya, and she looked at him hotly. ‘Charlene has already taken one week off. I’m not complaining; I have several trips organised and——’

‘But none for today?’ he cut in swiftly. ‘Why don’t you sit down?’

Tanya sat, not because she wanted to, but because she needed to. The effect of seeing Alejandro, talking to him, trying to ignore the very real sensations that churned inside, was very debilitating.

‘Is your sister still in the hotel trade?’

‘Indeed. She’s managing a hotel in Playa de las Americas; that’s why she came out here. It was too good an offer to miss, the first time she’s been in complete charge. She loves it.’ He confused her by flitting from subject to subject, although she knew she would far rather talk about Charlene than herself.

‘And she has not married? Her career is more important to her?’

‘Let’s say she’s never found the right man,’ said Tanya, and at the age of thirty her sister was becoming more and more choosy. Tanya sometimes wondered if she would ever find anyone who would put up with her bossy, dominating nature and her strong, independent streak.

‘Had you found the right man in Peter?’

Tanya swallowed hard. His questions were certainly hard-hitting, and always unexpected. ‘I wouldn’t have married him otherwise.’ She looked at him as she spoke, trying to convince him, hiding the fact that Peter had been second-best. She hadn’t admitted that at the time, but it was true. Not that she hadn’t been happy—she had, very much so; he was a wonderful man—but the excitement of a strong physical relation-ship had been missing. If she hadn’t met Alejandro she would never have known what she was capable of, what she needed, what her body needed. As it was, he had spoiled her for anyone else. She gave a tiny sigh, and Alejandro’s mouth tightened, and she guessed he thought she was sighing for Peter.

‘I thought I was seeing a ghost when I spotted you at the airport,’ he said, with another complete turn in the conversation.

‘I wasn’t too happy about seeing you either,’ she retorted.

‘I didn’t say I didn’t want to see you.’ The frown was there, grooving his brow, narrowing his eyes. ‘It had been so long, I’d given up the idea that we’d ever meet again.’

And whose fault was that? she wanted to ask. You were the one who went away without a word; you were the one who ended it all. She lifted her shoulders in a tiny careless gesture. ‘It’s a small world. Would you like a cup of coffee?’ She had to get out of the room, away from the stifling atmosphere. She had never known it would be like this.

‘No, thank you,’ he answered. I’d much prefer to sit and talk to you.’

Tanya groaned inwardly. ‘About what? What is there to say? I’m sure You’re not interested in every single little detail of my life since we parted, and neither do I want to hear about yours.’

Her bitter tone caused a further tightening of his features. ‘You’re making it pretty plain what you think about me.’

‘There’s no point in pretending.’

‘I really misjudged you, Tanya.’ He stood up suddenly, abruptly.

Good, he was going. Tanya rose too, but somehow they bumped into each other, and the next moment she was in his arms, his mouth on hers, and the years in between might never have been.