Forever Her Hero

“Well, when I moved to Buzzards Bay, I didn’t have a single friend in my class.” He looked back and forth between the twins. “Rough, huh?”

“Not a single one?” Dolly asked, her eyes wide with concern. “What about my daddy?”

He shook his head. “Nope. Your dad was a few grades above me, so I was pretty much on my own.”

“I would have been your friend,” Casey piped up, shooting Sawyer a doting smile.

Sawyer reached out and patted Casey on the shoulder. “I’m sure you would have.”

Even though Ava knew what was coming next, she found herself listening to Sawyer with rapt attention. It was entertaining to see the expectant looks on the children’s faces and to hear the details of their first meeting roll off Sawyer’s tongue like quicksilver.

“On the first day of school I forgot my lunch at home,” Sawyer continued. He wiggled his eyebrows dramatically. “Can you imagine? There I was, in the lunchroom with no one to sit with and no homemade lunch to dig into. I didn’t even have a juice box.”

Casey and Dolly turned toward each other, their eyes as wide as saucers. In their lives, juice boxes were as routine as the sun rising in the morning.

“I looked all around the cafeteria until I found the perfect lunch table to sit at. Problem was, everyone else was eating their lunches. I was so embarrassed I could barely lift my head up to make eye contact as I slid onto the bench. For a few minutes I just sat there, wishing I could disappear. All of a sudden this little hand reached across the table and handed me half of her sandwich. Peanut butter and jelly never tasted quite so good.”

“Was that you, Mama?” Dolly asked, her eyes full of wonder.

“Yep. It was me,” Ava acknowledged. “And I also gave him a cookie and half of my pretzels.”

The poignant memory washed over her like a light rain, and for a moment she was transported back in time to Buzzards Bay Elementary and sitting across the lunch table from a pint-size Sawyer. The grateful smile he’d given her after she’d offered him the sandwich had quickly wormed its way straight into her heart. And he’d been there ever since, engraved there like a permanent tattoo.

Sawyer winked at her, almost as if he could read her mind. “And from that moment on we were best friends. We did everything together...we built forts in the woods, swam out to the buoys at Kalmus Beach, had water balloon fights, took ferry rides over to Woods Hole.”

“We keep asking to take a boat ride in one of the boats by the harbor, but Mommy says we can’t,” Casey added, casting an unhappy look in her direction. “She thinks something might happen to us.” His eyes were hot with displeasure and a hint of rebelliousness.

Ava felt the heat of Sawyer’s gaze, but she didn’t look over at him. As a man who made his living by enforcing maritime law, he might find it difficult to understand her fears. For Sawyer, being out on the water was as natural as breathing. Casey was right. The thought of her kids being out on the water scared her to death. Some might call it an irrational fear, but it was rooted in that awful night two years ago when her husband hadn’t come home.

“Why don’t the two of you clear the table and feed Tully?” Ava asked. “Then I’ll slice up some apple pie for dessert.” The mention of dessert sweetened the deal, causing the kids to quickly get up from their seats and begin clearing the dinner plates.

“It’ll be nice to have all the family together to celebrate a happy occasion,” Ava said as soon as the kids were out of earshot. “Too many times we’ve gathered for sad ones.” Truthfully, she had mixed feelings about attending a wedding in the same church where she’d married Billy. It would dredge up a lot of bittersweet memories, she realized. She felt a stab of guilt as she remembered all the times she’d seen happily-in-love couples over the past two years. Whether they were holding hands on the beach or grocery shopping at the market, she’d envied them their bliss. It had been that way between Billy and her, hadn’t it? Before all the drinking and the stormy fights, the recriminations and the promises. Hadn’t people looked at them and thought how blessed they were to have found each other? Hadn’t she once believed they were golden?

“You’re right,” Sawyer said with a nod. “Our families have had our fair share of loss. It’s been a rough couple of years.” He crinkled his nose. “Even so, I’m a firm believer that we’re always surrounded by blessings. Sometimes we just have to look closely to find them.”

Blessings. Sawyer was right. Despite everything, there was so much in her life to be thankful about. The twins. Her home by the sea. Her family. Sawyer. “How do you do it?” she asked with a grateful sigh. “You always manage to put things into such beautiful perspective.”

He shrugged, his expression thoughtful. “I just spent a year watching kids kick empty soda cans around instead of soccer balls. And guess what? They were joyful about it. Amid poverty and destruction, those kids were able to see the good things in their world.”

The soft shuffling of little feet and the noisy squeak of a floorboard heralded the arrival of the twins. Casey stood a few feet away from the table, a huge grin almost overtaking his small, round face. Dolly stood two steps behind him, none too subtly nudging him forward and whispering in his ear. Sawyer beckoned them closer with a wave of his hand. “Come on. I can see the two of you have something to say.”

“Dolly and I thought maybe we could visit you at the Coast Guard Station one day. We promise to be on our best behavior.” The worshipful expression in Casey’s eyes as he looked up at Sawyer caused her to suck in a shallow breath. The raw need in his voice almost knocked the wind out of her. It sneaked up on her during quiet moments like this when she saw the hopes and dreams of her children put on full display. Her son so needed a father figure in his life, someone who could keep up with his rough-and-tumble ways. Someone he could model himself after. Gratitude toward Sawyer for being here with them flooded through her.

“We promise not to get in the way,” Dolly piped up. Her hands were crossed tightly in front of her. Her hazel eyes radiated hopefulness. And pleading. Ava clucked to herself, knowing Sawyer was no match against the dynamic duo.

“I think that can be arranged,” he said with a pearl-toothed smile. He shot a glance in her direction. “As long as it’s all right with your mom.”

Dolly and Casey shifted their gaze toward her. She quickly nodded, signaling her approval. The twins began dancing around the room in celebratory fashion. Within seconds they were racing out of the room to feed the dog, their voices raised in triumph. She let out a chuckle and playfully looked at her watch. “Hmm. Less than two hours in their presence, and you’re already caving in to their wishes. At this rate they’re going to have you wrapped around their little fingers in no time.”

“I want the twins to be happy,” he said with a poignant smile. “And I want that for you, too, Ava.”

She swallowed past the huge lump in her throat. “I am happy. Most of the time. Until I think about Billy,” she said in a quiet voice. “It’s a terrible thing to have to always think about the way he died and not be able to celebrate the way he lived his life. I still can’t wrap my head around being a widow before I’ve even turned thirty.”

Sawyer reached out and grazed his knuckles across her cheek, his eyes full of compassion. And understanding. Sawyer knew her so well. He always had. For most of her life he’d been her soft place to fall, the one person she ran to when the bottom fell out of her world. But that had changed when she’d married Billy. Neither one of them had felt comfortable with that type of closeness once she became Mrs. Billy Trask. She’d always been well aware of the fact that Billy was jealous of her relationship with Sawyer. Having such a tight bond with him had made her feel disloyal. In the end she’d pulled away from him, breaking her own heart a little in the process.

And now, once again, she felt traitorous. To Billy. To their children. Yet it felt so nice to be connecting with Sawyer, to enjoy his warm palm against her cheek. To feel as if there was someone who knew her better than she knew herself. It felt too good. She didn’t deserve comfort or sympathy. She’d failed Billy in the biggest way possible. As a wife, as a friend and as a mother of his children. Not even Sawyer knew the extent of her failures as a wife. He had no idea that she’d been complicit in her husband’s death. She could only imagine his disgust if he knew how she’d nagged at Billy until he’d left their home the night of his accident. If not for that, her husband would still be alive.

She abruptly pulled away from Sawyer, immediately feeling the loss of his touch. She smoothed her hair back and looked away from his probing gaze, trying to appear calm despite the turbulent emotions she was battling. Ever since that tantalizing kiss with Sawyer she’d had to remind herself that it wasn’t wise to risk their friendship over tender kisses and comforting caresses. She couldn’t run the risk of losing him all over again. It had gutted her when he left for Africa. Although it hurt to pull away from something that nurtured her very soul, she had no choice in the matter. Because the one person who could soothe her restless soul was the very person she was determined not to fall for.

* * *

After two slices of delectable apple pie and two rounds of Go Fish, Sawyer stood up and announced his departure. He couldn’t help smiling when Casey and Dolly begged him to stay longer. This was what he’d missed in Africa, he realized. A sense of belonging.

“Please, just a little bit longer,” they pleaded. With a loud groan, Ava peeled the children off him as they clung tightly to his legs.

He leaned on the counter to keep his balance. “I’ll be back soon, guys. I promise. I have to run over to my parents’ house tomorrow and then head in to work, but the next day we can meet up, maybe at the coast guard station.”

Ava looked at him curiously. “So, no one in the family mentioned you were back in town,” she said.

Sawyer grimaced. “That’s because you guys are the first to know other than my team. I wanted to take care of a few things before I announced my return.”

Ava grinned, her face lit up like sunshine. “Such as buying a lighthouse?”

He nodded. “Yep. Like buying a lighthouse.” He moved his hand to his jaw and rubbed it. “It didn’t hit me till now, but my folks just might wonder about my sanity.”

She stopped grinning. Her eyes wandered over his face. “No, they won’t. They’re going to be so over the moon that you’re back, they won’t care if you’re living in a shack on the beach.”

He felt a warmth spreading through his veins as Ava’s words settled in. “Well, then, I’m off,” he said as he made his way to the back door. Casey trailed right behind him while Dolly blew him kisses. Once he was outside he heard Ava calling out to him, her voice pulling him right back toward her. He turned back, watching as she practically flew out of the house straight toward him. Once again he noticed how radiant she looked. And much more relaxed than the Ava he’d first encountered on the beach earlier today. He was thankful she’d forgiven him, or at least had decided to give him a second chance to be in her life. He felt himself smiling at the notion that something he’d done—some little word or gesture—had made her happy tonight.

“I never said welcome back.” She walked toward him, reaching him in a few short strides. She stood on her tiptoes and leaned up toward him, placing a tender kiss on his cheek. Ava smiled at him—the first jubilant smile she’d given him since he’d seen her. With a wave of her hand, she headed back toward the house.

The smile went straight to his heart, reminding him of all the reasons he’d left Cape Cod and found refuge on the other side of the world. He’d thought he was strong enough to come back home and face the past, but all of a sudden he was doubting himself. Now that he was standing here in her orbit, he wasn’t so sure that he could bury his feelings and man up.

You don’t have a choice. The words buzzed in his ear. After all, this was about the children, not about him. That’s why he’d come back, wasn’t it?

As Ava walked back into the house, he watched through the window as the twins rushed toward her to give her a hug. The sight of it caused him to let out a deep shudder. What would it be like to be part of that tight-knit family unit? he wondered. What would it be like to tuck the kids into bed at night and see them off to school in the morning? He shook the thought off, chastising himself for allowing his mind to go down that road. This was Billy’s family, not his. No matter how strongly he felt for them, for Ava, it was disloyal to Billy to even let his mind go there. When he’d kissed Ava that night, he’d been full of remorse and guilt afterward. So much self-recrimination. What kind of man would he be if he took up with his cousin’s widow?

As if that could ever happen! She wouldn’t want to have anything to do with him if she knew the truth, he realized. Because of him, Ava’s husband and the father of her twins had drowned off Nantucket Sound. And no matter what Sawyer did to assuage the guilt, it still gnawed at him. In his career he’d saved a hundred lives or more, nearly losing his own half a dozen times in the process. A few of his rescues had been recoveries, but none of them had haunted him like Billy’s death. None of them had given him nightmares that had him crying out in the middle of the night.

The memories of that night washed over him like a tidal wave as he walked along the beach toward his lighthouse.

He and Billy had owned a boat leasing company. It had been Billy’s idea, and he had gone along with it, knowing that his cousin needed something to focus on since he’d been laid off from his job. Billy was supposed to be doing most of the work during the week, while Sawyer chipped in on weekends during his off time. Much to his dismay, he’d found himself doing the lion’s share of the work, and he’d resented it. They’d formed the business out of their mutual love for boats, but all the joy had vanished. He’d sunk a lot of money into Trask Boating, and it annoyed him that they hadn’t even been able to get it off the ground because of Billy’s lackadaisical attitude.

As usual, Billy had shown up two hours late and inebriated. The smell of cheap liquor clung to his cousin like a second skin. Sawyer had confronted him, sick and tired of picking up the slack for the business they were trying to get up and running. The company was hanging on by a thread owing to his financial contribution, and he had been starting to feel that Billy was taking advantage of him.

“You owe Ava and the twins better than this!” he’d said after chastising his cousin for drinking.

“Don’t tell me about my family! What do you know about keeping a marriage together or raising kids? The last time I checked you’re still single. Footloose and fancy free.”

“You’re right about that,” he’d acknowledged. “But if the good Lord ever blesses me with a wonderful wife like Ava, I’d treat her a sight better than you’re doing at the moment.”

Right before his eyes, Billy’s face had hardened into granite. His eyes had narrowed into slits. He’d began clenching his fists. An angry vein had popped on his forehead.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you? A wife like Ava. Maybe Ava herself would do, right? Ava and Sawyer. You like the ring of that, don’t you?”

“Stop, Billy. You’re out of line.”

Billy had brushed up against him and gotten in his face. “Am I? It seems to me that you don’t think I’m good enough for my own wife. Is that it?”

He’d held up his hands, knowing that once Billy got started on a tangent he was a tough person to try to wind down. “Stop playing the victim in this. It’s not about that.”

“You stop, Sawyer. Stop judging me. Stop throwing everything in my face. Stop wishing that Ava was married to you instead of me!”

Billy’s words had almost knocked the wind out of him. He’d opened his mouth to refute the accusation, determined to deny he’d been holding on to any romantic notions about him and Ava. As much as he’d wanted to deny it, he couldn’t. He’d let out a deep sigh. “Yes, I have wished Ava was mine. And I want you to know I’ve always been ashamed of that. Until right now. Because seeing you like this, watching you destroy the wonderful life you’ve built for yourself—” He’d stopped for a moment, too overcome with frustration to continue. “And let me tell you, if she were my wife, I’d treat her a whole lot better than you’ve been treating her lately.”

The words hung in the air like a storm cloud on the verge of bursting. For a moment the room was quiet, with nothing more than tension crackling in the air.

“No wonder she keeps nagging me,” Billy had muttered. “How can I compare to the great hero, Sawyer Trask? So perfect and righteous.”

“Don’t call me that, Billy!” he’d growled, wishing it didn’t get under his skin so much when people touted him as a hero. In his mind he wasn’t a hero. He was an officer in the coast guard, sworn to uphold maritime law. Performing search-and-rescues was just part and parcel of his job duties. He wasn’t anybody’s hero!

“Always so noble,” Billy had spit out. “It must be nice to be perfect.” He’d shaken his head in disgust. “I’m out of here!” he’d shouted, his long legs quickly carrying him to the door. Those were the last words they’d ever spoken to each other.

A hundred times or more since that night, Sawyer had wished he’d stopped Billy from leaving. It was the last time he’d seen his cousin alive. Late that night he’d received the call from a frantic Ava, who hadn’t seen or heard from her husband all evening. For hours he’d driven around town looking for his cousin, to no avail. In the wee hours of the morning he’d received the devastating call from his best friend, Colby, who was a member of his coast guard unit. Billy’s capsized boat had been spotted by the coast guard a few miles out in the harbor. Although everyone had prayed that he’d managed to swim to land, Billy’s body had been found the next day in one of the inlets off Buzzards Bay Harbor. An investigation had concluded that, caught in a minor squall, Billy had drowned after his boat took on water. The fact that Billy had been under the influence had only worsened the life-and-death situation.

Sawyer had never told a single soul about his argument with Billy. He’d been too ashamed, felt too guilty about the fact that his angry words with him might have caused his cousin to spiral downward. But he couldn’t keep this to himself any longer. Not when he’d made a promise to God he’d come clean with Ava after he’d almost died from cholera on the other side of the world.

Chapter Three

As Sawyer drove down Seaview Avenue, he felt a strong sense of nostalgia sweep over him. With his window down he could smell the tangy scent of the ocean as it permeated the air. The high-pitched cries of a flock of seagulls drifted toward him from the beach. The pink gingerbread-style house that sat on the corner of Seaview Avenue and Ocean Street had been there for as long as he could remember. He tooted his horn and waved at the owner, Mrs. Kingston, who was outside watering her rosebushes. She squinted at first, then began to wave enthusiastically as soon as she recognized him. Yes, this was what he’d yearned for while he was overseas. Home. Hearth. A feeling of being connected to his community.

He began to slow his Jeep down as the Trask home came into view, its bright yellow color a departure from the classic Cape Cod–style homes surrounding it. The historic house was built by his great-great-grandfather, sea captain Adam Trask, for his young bride. He’d built a widow’s walk on the second floor so that his bride could look out to sea for his return. His parents had lovingly restored the home when his father had inherited it some thirty years earlier.

Sawyer parked his car in the driveway and made his way to the front door. It swung open well before he even planted a foot on the front porch. His father, Samuel, was standing at the door, a perplexed look plastered on his face. He was tall and broad-shouldered, with a barrel chest that spoke of strength. He’d been told on more than one occasion about their shared resemblance—the same caramel skin, full brows and deep set eyes. “Well, come on in, son. We were wondering when you were going to show up,” his father drawled as he pushed open the door and ushered him inside.

Sawyer felt a sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach as he stepped inside the house and came face-to-face with his mother. Was he about to get a tongue lashing for not immediately coming to the house after his arrival in Buzzards Bay? The moment he saw her, his spirits lifted. After all this time away from home, she was a sight for sore eyes. At barely five feet, she was petite and small boned. Despite her salt-and-pepper hair, she still looked at least ten years younger than her actual age.

At the moment her pretty face was marred by a deep scowl. She placed her hands on her hips. “You’ve been back in town for three days without a word or a call. Nothing!” His mother slashed her hand in the air for emphasis. “Sawyer Trask! I know I’ve raised you better than that!”

He should have known, he thought miserably. In a small town like Buzzards Bay, it was near impossible to keep a secret. As much as he’d thought he could pull it off, word of his arrival had already reached his mother’s ears. So much for his coast guard training in stealth maneuvers!

“Mom, I’m so sorry,” he apologized. “I should have come straight to the house. Or at least called to tell you I was back.” He held up his arms to give her a hug, but she pushed him away.

She looked him over with a critical eye. “You’re so thin,” she said. “What were they feeding you over there?”

Of course his mother noticed his weight loss. With her eagle eye and attention to detail, it wasn’t surprising that she would see what others didn’t. He’d lost twelve pounds during his bout with cholera, most of which he’d put back on in the months afterward. He was still down five pounds or so. His parents had no idea that he’d contracted cholera and had hovered near death for almost a week. By the time he was on the mend, he hadn’t seen the point in telling them about his brush with death. It would only have made them worry about him more, he’d realized. And, despite the risks he frequently assumed in his profession, he didn’t want his parents to lie awake at night thinking about his safety. They had enough to worry about with his younger brother, Daniel.

“I ate plenty over there,” he said with a grin. “Nothing that could compare to your home cooking, but it was decent.” He leaned down and wrapped his long arms around her, lifting her slightly off the floor in the process. She let out a little squeal and ordered him to let her down. When he placed her back down, he planted a kiss on her cheek. The sweet smell of home lingered around her like perfume—the scent of baked apples, cider doughnuts and cinnamon all reminded him of growing up in this loving environment. Warm hugs and down-home cooking came to mind.

Like a whirlwind, his brother, Daniel, came crashing down the stairs. Tall, broad-shouldered and thick, he headed straight for Sawyer, enveloping him in a bear hug that nearly toppled him over. As usual, his enthusiasm was off the charts.

“You’re back! I knew it, I knew it.” Daniel kept him in a tight grip until Sawyer had to practically wrestle his brother in order to come up for air. He put his arm around Daniel and pulled him close. Even though Daniel was twenty years old, he had the childlike nature of a ten-year-old. He was a kind and gentle soul who was often misunderstood because of his developmental disability. People tended to judge him by his physical age and were taken aback by his stunted emotional development.

“Hey, I promised I’d be back by Fourth of July, didn’t I? I’m a month early,” Sawyer pointed out, holding up his palm so Daniel could high-five him.

His father frowned at him. “Where are you staying, son? I know you gave up your condo when you left the country, so I imagine you’re looking for a new place.”