Firefighter With A Frozen Heart

“Not ominous. More like a matter of practicality. And to be honest, I’m glad you’re home because I was going to come to the city next week to talk to you about it.”

Jess twisted in his seat. Was on the verge of getting up and going inside. Shutting the door on what Rafe was here to discuss. “Another time?” he asked, trying to put off the talk for no good reason other than he didn’t want to deal with it at present. In fact, his preference would be signing his share of Lilly Hospital over to Rafe, then be done with the whole thing. But that’s not what Rafe wanted. So Jess was hanging on, but in title only.

“Look, Jess. I understand it’s hard for you, and if there was any other way to do this, I would. But we are co-owners …”

“One of which who wants nothing to do with the hospital. So, here’s what you can do, Rafe. Anything. Anything you want. I trust your judgment, and I’ll give you my blessing but, please, leave me the hell out of the decisions.

Okay?”

“What I want, Jess, is to take Rick Navarro on as a partner. He’s earned it. He deserves it. And he has good ideas for expansion …”

Jess waved him off. “What, in the definition of anything don’t you understand?”

“For once, just listen to me, okay? Before you start spouting off your opinion or telling me all the reasons you don’t give a damn, just shut up and listen!”

Jess huffed out an impatient sigh. “Do I have a choice?”

“You’ve always got a choice, but I was hoping you’d give me some support in this.”

“You’ve got my support, Rafe. Just not my attention.” He pushed himself up out of his seat and headed toward the front door, but stopped before going inside. Change of heart? Not at all. But a sure change of mind. Rafe was the only person he had in this world, and it wouldn’t hurt him to listen to his big brother. After all, Rafe had taken the beatings for him, quite literally. All those years, all the tirades, Rafe was the one who’d stood up to their old man and taken the punishment. So at the least he owed him another minute to listen. “Okay, tell me, but don’t expect anything from me other than listening. Because I’m not going to get involved in this.”

Rafe stood, and went to lean on the banister across from the front door. “Fine. I’ll make it fast. We’re expanding pediatric services, which you already know. We’re looking into some growth in obstetrics, too. But the first thing we’re taking on is an expansion to our emergency services, because what we have isn’t good enough.”

At the mention of emergency services, Jess winced. Being a former trauma surgeon, this was probably where Rafe wanted to wheedle some kind of commitment out of him. Come back and work temporarily until we can find someone else to take over. Or be a consultant. That’s what he expected, but he was going to hold his ground. No involvement, no way!

“Rather than sending major trauma cases to the hospital all the way over in Jasper, or someplace even farther away, we’re going to expand enough to handle what we need and help with overflow from other areas. So we’ve hired a nurse-coordinator to oversee the first phase of growth. She has an amazing trauma background, a doctorate in nursing …”

“A doctorate?” he asked, feeling his gut churn.

“A doctorate. And for where we are right now, she’s the perfect person to put in charge of coordinating the plans. Um, Jess … we hired …”

“Let me guess. You hired Julie Clark?” He hadn’t seen her in seventeen years, now here she was, front and center, twice in two days. How could that be happening?

Rafe frowned. “Either that was an amazing wild guess, or you’ve been in touch with Julie.”

“In touch. Not by choice.”

“Anything you want to talk about?” Rafe asked.

Jess shook his head. Didn’t reply, so Rafe continued, “Well, she was the right one. Has the credentials we need, as well as the experience …” He paused, studied Jess’s frown, sucked in a deep breath. “Look, Jess, since you’re not here most of the time, and when you are you never leave the cabin, I didn’t think it would matter.”

“Why would it matter?” Jess snapped, then stormed inside his cabin and slammed the screen door behind him. “Jess?” Rafe called after him.

“Nothing matters,” Jess yelled back. “Not one damned thing.” Except for those couple of weeks of Julie’s pregnancy scare hell. Those had mattered a lot.

CHAPTER TWO

“IT’S strange being back after all this time,” Julie said, dropping down into the chair across from Edie Corbett’s desk. “I have good memories of Lilly Lake, and I appreciate all the help you’ve been, helping me get settled here again.”

“I was new in town just about a year ago, so I know what it’s like trying to get yourself established, even if you did live here before.”

“It wasn’t for long … just a few years, but let’s just call them my formative years. And I really do want to thank you for letting me take a tour of Gracie House the other day. I didn’t mean to just stop on your doorstep and beg to be let in, but …” Julie smiled fondly. “But I couldn’t help myself. I needed a few minutes to come home.”

“And you’re welcome to come home any time you like. Our doors are always open.”

“I’ll bet I’m not the first.”

Edie laughed. “As a matter of fact, no, you’re not. Several of Grace’s children have stopped in, and Gracie House seems to be a focal point in their lives. For me, it’s interesting to meet the people who’ve passed through her life … and her doors.” She glanced fondly at a picture of Molly, her new daughter, and Grace’s former ward. “Interesting and life-changing.”

“Well, I spent the most important years of my life there. I was kind of a wild child, all my various adoptive parents threw me out, I had nowhere to go other than the juvenile home, and Grace stepped in and offered to take me. She made the difference, and it wasn’t always easy for her, dealing with me. But she had so much …”

“Patience?” Edie asked.

“That. But I think it was faith. She never saw the bad side or the difficulty in people. Whatever the situation, she always managed to turn it into something positive. Like the time I stole a couple hundred dollars from her and took a bus ride to New York City. I don’t think I really intended on running away so much as exploring the world, but the minute I stepped off that bus, aged sixteen, it was like all my small-town ways just wanted to pull me back. I was scared to death. Didn’t have enough money left for a decent meal. Nowhere to go. No one to help me. I mean, I was overwhelmed, and not as smart as I thought I was. So I called Grace, and she said she’d come get me. And she wasn’t angry, Edie. In fact, she told me it would take a few hours for her to get there, so I might as well wander around, see the sights while I could. She even suggested a couple places I should go. Julie, take advantage of your adventure … that’s what she told me. And when she finally picked me up, she asked me if I’d had a nice day. A nice day? I was expecting the wrath of God to fall down on me, and instead she took me to a very swanky restaurant, we spent the night in a glamorous hotel and the next morning she actually took me shopping. Then, when we got home, she asked me if I’d learned my lesson. To be honest, it took me a while to figure out what it was because to a crazy sixteen-year-old, it seemed like I’d been rewarded for my so-called crime.”

“So, what was the lesson?”

“To trust and rely on the people who love you when you have a problem. That they won’t let you down if you give them the chance to help. She told me if I’d have let her know how I was feeling, told her how much I wanted to go to the city, she could have taken me. But I didn’t give her that chance because I figured she would say no. I didn’t trust her enough to be honest with her.” Julie laughed. “A mistake I never made again. Oh, and she did require a little extra work from me in the stables to pay her back for the money I took … work in the form of a shovel and pitchfork. Which, actually, is why I’m here. I was wondering if the foundation could use an extra volunteer. I loved working with the horses when I was a teenager. I think that’s probably what grounded me more than anything else … being the person trusted with the care of another life. It certainly made me find things in myself I didn’t know were there. So now that I’m back—”

“Always!” Edie interrupted. “It seems like the more horses we take in, the further our reputation spreads. Rafe’s in the process of coordinating the building of another stable, one for the more critical horses. Sort of like an intensive care, I think. And we’re renovating both the old stables, enlarging them and modernizing the facilities. So we can use all the help we can get, and then some.”

“Well, I can still shovel …”

“There’s plenty of that to be done. And lots of other things, if you decide that shoveling isn’t quite the exciting time you remember.”

“Never exciting, definitely not the thing I wanted to be doing, but it was quite a character builder. Of course, Grace knew that when she put me on the task. And I’m not too proud to do that again, or anything else you need. I have a lot to pay back, and with the way Grace loved her horses …” A stray tear slid down Julie’s cheek. “Working with Grace’s horses again is one of the biggest reasons I applied for the job here in Lilly Lake. I’d just hoped to be doing it with Grace.”

“I miss her, too. And I didn’t know her for very long. But she made such an impact on my life in such a short time … brought me together with my husband, gave me my daughter. I owe her everything.”

“Me, too,” Julie whispered reverently. “Everything.”

On the verge of tears herself, Edie cleared her throat. “Well, then, why don’t you stop over this afternoon, after you get off work, and have a look at the horses we have right now? I’ll let Johnny Redmond know you’re coming, and I’m sure he’ll have some details and schedules for you to go over by then. Oh, and I’d love to have you stay for dinner, if you don’t have other plans. It’s spaghetti night at Gracie House. Nothing fancy. But it’s Molly’s favorite meal, so please, join us if you can.”

“I’d love to, if it won’t be an imposition.”

“No imposition. But bring an appetite. Molly helps cook, and let’s just say she cooks big.”

“Then I’ll see you later on, with a big appetite,” Julie said, standing to leave. “So, if I may ask, when are you due?”

Edie instinctively laid her hand on her belly. “Another month. A little girl. Do you have any children?” she asked.

“No. Never been married, never been a mom. I’m more of the career type, I think.”

“I was the career type, too, and look at me now.” She glanced again at Molly’s picture, then the one of the three of them—her, Rafe and Molly. “I’m into family in a huge way, and loving every minute of it. It’s everything I never knew I wanted,” Edie said, laughing. “And I wouldn’t have my life any other way.”

There was a time she’d thought that, too. But then she’d been a kid with enormous, romantic delusions. Luckily, she’d grown up. A little of it the hard way, maybe. She’d learned her lessons well, though, in large part thanks to Grace Corbett. “Well, I’d better get back to work. So I’ll see you later, Edie,” she said from the hall. Turning, she hurried back to the emergency department, where she was responsible for more things than she’d ever thought she’d be responsible for. Thanks, in part, to Grace Corbett, too. Actually, thanks in full, since it was Grace’s benevolence that had made paramedic training first, then nursing school afterward, possible.

“Looks like we’re feeding an army tonight,” Jess commented on his way into the dining room. The spaghetti bowl in the center of the kitchen table was heaped to overflowing, and the bread plate had enough garlic bread piled on to feed half the population of Lilly Lake. It reminded him of coming home to Aunt Grace for a meal.

“Uncle Jess!” Molly squealed, launching herself into his arms with such a force it nearly toppled him over backward. “I’ve been waiting for you to come visit us. I have a new pony … actually, I have two ponies now. Lucky, my old pony, and she’s not really that old. Johnny says she’s about two, so that really makes her my new pony, since Snowflake, my new pony, is really about six, which makes her my old pony.”

“Whoa, slow down,” Jess said, laughing. “You’re talking too fast, and I can’t keep up. So, your old pony has a new pony, and Lucky Snowflake is who?” he teased.

“Lucky is my pony, and so is Snowflake, silly,” Molly replied.

“Oh, now I get it. You have two ponies. Lucky is one, Snowflake Silly is the other.”

“Not Snowflake Silly,” she said. “His name is Snowflake.”

“Didn’t you tell me his name was Snowflake Silly? I’m positive that’s what I heard.” He looked at Rafe for support. “Isn’t that what she said? Snowflake Silly?”

Rafe smiled, threw his hands into the air in surrender and backed away. “I’m leaving this one up to you two while I go help my lovely wife toss the salad.” With that, he backed all the way into the kitchen, stopping short of Edie, who was wielding a large butcher’s knife, going at the lettuce with a vengeance. “It really is a lot of food,” he commented offhandedly.

“I invited someone else this evening,” she said, eyeing a big, juicy red tomato for her next chopping chore. “Someone from the hospital.”

“Anybody I know?”

“Maybe. She’s fairly new on staff. Very nice. Originally from Lilly Lake, so you might know her. Her name’s Julie Clark.”

Rafe, who had picked up a carrot to munch, nearly choked. “Well, this ought to be interesting.” “How so?”

“Julie and Jess have history.” “What kind of history?” “Big history.” He patted his wife’s belly. “You’re kidding. They were …?” He shook his head. “False alarm. But it had us all going for a while.”

“So, what should we do? I don’t want either of them being uncomfortable. Especially not Jess, with everything he’s been through—a war, the death of his fiancée, a career change.”

Rafe gave his wife an affectionate kiss on the cheek.

“Well, I’m sure eating spaghetti with a former girlfriend will shrink in comparison to all that.”

“You may be a great doctor, but you’re not so smart about relationships, are you?”

“I get ours right, don’t I?”

“You get ours perfect. But we don’t have history … torrid history.”

“I didn’t say it was torrid.”

“No, but …” She patted her own belly. “That sure implies it, don’t you think? Anyway, he’s here and Julie’s down at the stable, talking to Johnny, so she’ll be up in a few minutes. And you, my dear husband, are in charge of dealing with the situation.”

Rafe shrugged, then gave over to a smile. “Like I said, could be interesting. Jess needs something to shake him up, and Julie might be it.”

“What might be it?” Jess asked from the doorway.

“This might be it,” Edie hedged, holding up her butcher knife. “The best one I own. This one might be … it.”

Jess gave them both a half smile. “Domesticity has really dulled you two down, hasn’t it?” he asked. “So much ado about a knife?”

“Hey, little brother. Believe me when I tell you there’s nothing dull in this house. In fact, I think you’re about to find out just how un-dull Gracie House is going to be.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Me, Jess. I think Rafe’s referring to the two of us having dinner together.” Julie looked at Edie. “Molly let me in, by the way. Hope that was okay? Oh, and I brought non-alcoholic sparkling grape juice. Knew you couldn’t do wine, but I thought this might go well with the spaghetti.” She held the two bottles out to Edie, but Jess was the one who took them and marched straight to the refrigerator on the other side of the room—as far away from Julie as anyone in the kitchen could get without opening the back door and continuing on into the yard.

“Thank you. So, I take it you and Jess remember each other?” Edie asked, with a sly wink at Rafe.

“Actually, we had the chance to catch up with each other just a few days ago … in New York,” Julie said. She was clearly not as uncomfortable as Jess was at this meeting. If anything, she was almost too noncommittal. Trying too hard to stay unaffected. “In the back of my ambulance. He was my very last patient as a paramedic.”

“So, that’s how it was. Jess was your patient.” He arched an amused eyebrow at his brother. “Bet he wasn’t a very good one, was he?”

“No, he wasn’t.”

“Did you have to strap him down?”

“Do you two realize I’m standing right here?” Jess cut in.

“Sure we do, little brother. But since you’re not contributing to the conversation—”

“Look,” Julie interrupted. “It’s clear I’m the outsider here. How about I take a rain check for another night? That way Jess will be able to enjoy the lovely meal Edie has prepared without getting tied up in knots having me sitting on the opposite side of the table from him.”

“If anyone should leave, it’s me,” Jess said. “You’re the guest, I’m just the—”

“You’re both overreacting,” Edie broke in. “This is a meal. A simple meal. That’s all. Food, conversation … don’t read anything else into it. Molly’s excited, having both of you come to dinner, and we’re not going to disappoint her. So, Jess, have a seat at the table. Julie, sit anywhere you’d like. Rafe, go tell Molly dinner’s ready.” She sucked in a deep breath, then dropped down into one of the kitchen chairs. “Oh, and in case you didn’t notice, we’re eating in here tonight. I didn’t want to make it formal by setting the dining room. So relax, be casual.” She smiled sweetly. “Sit with your backs to each other, if you must. But let me warn you. I have a ton of food, and neither of you is going anywhere until that spaghetti platter is clean.”

Julie laughed. “I think I can manage my fair share, in spite of Jess being here.”

“Ditto,” Jess grumbled.

“Do you two want some time to air some dirty laundry before we eat?” Edie asked. “Because you’re welcome to use the den.”

“No laundry, dirty or otherwise,” Jess said, taking his place at the table.

Julie took her spot diagonally across from Jess. “None at all. Not one single, solitary piece of it.”

“Why don’t I believe you?”

“So I suppose now’s the time to ask,” Jess said. He’d followed Julie halfway to her car, trying to decide what to do. Truth was, he didn’t know what was proper here. They’d made it through dinner, kept the conversation light enough. But those sideways glances he’d caught her giving him … no mistaking her feelings. Now here they were, ex-lovers, ex-friends—Jess wasn’t even sure what they were—standing six feet apart in the driveway on a starless night where the moon didn’t even have the decency to exit its cloud cover, both of them so stiff they wouldn’t have even swayed in a wind squall. “Ask what?”

“Several things, I think. First, how are you?” “After all these years, that’s the best you can do?” “Okay, let me try something else. How have you been getting along?”

“You mean, how have I been getting along without you? Is that what you want to know?”

“Okay, stupid question. Let me try again.”

“There’s nothing to try, Jess. If there were, you would have tried it, or said it, the other day in the ambulance. But you didn’t.”

“Because you told me to shut up.”

Julie shook her head. “Look, let me make this easy on you. I live in Lilly Lake now, work at the hospital you own, and that may put us into close proximity from time to time. Which means we need to learn how to deal with … us. What we were, what we weren’t.”

“What we were, Julie, were kids, doing the things kids do.”

“Not all kids do what we did. I mean, I’m assuming you’re not forgetting …”

“No, I’m not forgetting. Believe me, I’ve thought about us, about what happened, over and over all these years. Thought about how it could have turned out differently, where we might be now, if it had. The thing is, I’m not that same person, Julie. I’ve lived a lifetime since then, had regrets you can’t even begin to imagine, and all I can say to you right now is that I’m sorry. I was a stupid, thoughtless kid. I should have trusted you more. But I didn’t. I said some bad things and I am sorry.”

“So am I,” she said, her voice flat. “Sorry you thought I was trying to trap you, but I’m also sorry I didn’t tell you the truth sooner than I did. And that I didn’t get to apologize. But you left me, Jess. You walked away from me and never gave me the chance.”

Jess shut his eyes, heaved out a heavy sigh. “You were sixteen, Julie. I was seventeen. We really didn’t have a lot of choices. And you didn’t have anything to apologize for.” He opened his eyes to look at her, but she had turned away from him, staring at her car. “There really wasn’t a right or a wrong way to get through it, and I suppose all either one of us can say about it now is that we did the best we could.”

“Or maybe there was a better way, and we just didn’t take enough time to figure it out. Anyway, you said you’re not the same person you were back then, and I’m certainly not the same person I was, so let’s just not dwell on the things we messed up. Okay? I have a good life going. A great life, thanks to your aunt. She was everything to me, Jess, and because of that, I don’t want to fight with you. So can we agree to be cordial with each other?” She truly wanted to add not looking back to that request, but she had looked back, more than once over the years, and she always would. Because there’d been a few days when she’d dreamed of being a wife and mother. Those dreams had made her happy, probably the happiest she’d ever been because she’d been in love with Jess. Totally, completely in love. With the qualifier that it had been the love of a rather immature sixteen-year-old. With a baby on the way … Or so she’d thought until the test had come back negative.

The dream had come and gone so quickly. It had taken her some time to come to terms with it, come to terms with the end of her future fantasy life, but the day she’d gone to tell Jess the truth … She still had nightmares. What she’d done to him, the pain she’d caused him …

Her pain, too. But she’d thrown herself into making a better life. And succeeded. Which was why she was surprised by her feelings now. Surprised by the pain that was slipping its way back in. Seeing Jess again was good, but it hurt.

“Cordial is good,” Jess agreed. “I’m not expecting anything. Don’t deserve anything. And, God knows, you’ve got every right to hate me. What I did was inexcusable.”

“No, it wasn’t. Like you said, we were kids.” Kids who never got a chance to be kids. Maybe that’s why their emotions had been so intense. At such young ages, they’d both known so much pain. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter now. But I’m curious. Did Grace ever know I thought I was pregnant? Did you ever tell her?”

Jess shook his head. “I never told her, but she probably knew anyway. That’s how she was.”

Yes, that’s how she had been. “Well, that was around the same time she started talking to me about making real plans for my life, trying to show me some options for finding a better way. Anyway … I need to get going. I’m heading back in to work the night shift in a little while, and I’d like to run home and grab a quick shower first. So … I’m glad you’re feeling better after that incident in New York. And I’m really glad you have such a good family here to take care of you while you’re recovering. You’re a lucky man.”

“Well, I’ll be here next week for spaghetti night, and I’m sure my family would love to have you come back, if you can. So maybe I’ll see you around …”

“Maybe,” she said, heading for her car. Although she wasn’t sure she wanted to. Or wasn’t sure if she could. Because right now her head was spinning and her chest hurt. All she wanted to do was get into her car, drive away and go someplace where she could cry for the things that had never been, and the things that never could be. All of them about Jess.