Wife 22

“Eric seems like a cool kid. Maybe you want to invite him over for a playdate.”

“Will you stop saying things like ‘cool kid’ and ‘playdate’?”

“Well, what should I call it? When your friends come over?”

“Coming over.”

“That’s what we used to call it in the ’seventies! Yes, that was thirty-something years ago and things were different then, but what’s not different is that it’s still hard to be in middle school. Changing bodies. Changing identities. One day you think you’re this person. The next day you’re somebody else. But don’t worry, it’s all normal. All a part of—”

Peter’s eyes drift up to my head. “What’s up with those orange highlights?”

I finger a strand of my hair. “That’s what happens when the color fades. Is it really orange?”

“More like rust.”

The next morning I drop Peter and Zoe off at school, and on my way to work I notice Peter’s pillow in the backseat. I’m going to be late as it is, but Peter will be so uncomfortable sleeping on the ground without his pillow. I race back to his school and get there just in time. The bus transporting the seventh-graders to Yosemite is still in the parking lot, its engine running.

I climb onto the bus, the pillow tucked under my arm. There’s a moment before anybody notices I’m standing there when I search frantically through the crowd, thrilled that I have an opportunity to spy on my son in his natural habitat.

I spot him in the middle of the bus, sitting next to Briana. His arm is around her and her head rests on his shoulder. It’s a startling sight for a few reasons. One, it’s the first time I’ve seen my son in any sort of intimate position, and he looks disturbingly natural and disturbingly mature. And two—because I know he’s faking it. He’s trying to pass as straight, which breaks my heart.

“Pedro, your mother’s here.”

Could there be four more humiliating words whispered on a bus?

“Pedro forgot his beanie baby,” somebody from the back of the bus sings out.

Yes, yes there could.

“I’ll give it to Peter,” says Ms. Ward, Peter’s English teacher, sitting a few rows back from where I’m standing.

I clutch the pillow tightly—mortified.

“It’s okay. Just give it to me,” she says.

I hand her the pillow, but remain frozen in place. I can’t stop staring at Briana. I know I shouldn’t feel threatened, but I do. In the past year she’s transformed from a gawky, mouthful-of-braces girl to a very pretty young woman wearing skinny jeans and a camisole. Was William right? Am I that afraid of losing Peter, to the point of feeling competitive with a twelve-year-old?

“You should go now, Mrs. Buckle,” Ms. Ward says.

Yes, I should go before Pedro, your mother’s here turns into Pedro, your mother is bawling because she can’t bear to be away from you for twenty-four hours. Peter is slumped down in his seat, arms crossed, staring out the window. I get into my car and bang my head softly against the steering wheel while the bus pulls out, then I put on my Susan Boyle CD (the “Wild Horses” track, which always makes me feel plucky and brave) and dial Nedra.

“Peter has a beard,” I cry. I don’t have to explain to Nedra that I’m not talking about facial hair.

“A beard? Well, good for him! It’s practically a rite of passage. If he is gay, that is.”

Nedra, like William, is still on the fence about Peter’s sexuality.

“So this is normal?” I ask.

“It’s certainly not abnormal. He’s young and confused.”

“And humiliated. I just completely embarrassed him in front of the entire seventh grade. I was going to ask him to help me color my hair and now he hates me, and I’ll be stuck doing it myself.”

“Why aren’t you going to Lisa?”

“I’m trying to cut back.”

“Alice, stop catastrophizing. Things are going to turn around. Does the beard have a name?”

“Briana.”

“Lord, I hate that name. It’s so—”

“American, yes, I know. But she’s a sweet girl. And very pretty,” I add guiltily. “They’ve been friends for years.”

“Does she know she’s a beard?”

I think of the two of them nestled together. Her eyes half closed.

“Doubtful.”

“Unless she’s a lesbian and he’s her beard, too. Maybe they have some sort of an agreement. Like Tom and Katie.”

“Yes, like ToKat!” I say. I hate the thought of Briana being duped. It’s almost as sad as Peter faking he’s straight.

“Nobody calls them ToKat.”

“KatTo?”

Silence.

“Nedra?”

“I’m getting you another subscription to People, and this time you’d better damn well start reading it.”

27

“You are so sweet to let me stay with you until I get settled,” says Caroline Kilborn.

I stand in the doorway, unable to mask my shock. I expected a younger version of Bunny: a blond, elegantly dressed and coiffed young woman. Instead a bare-faced, freckled redhead beams at me, her hair scraped back impatiently into a ponytail. She’s wearing a black formfitting skirt and a loose tank that shows off her toned arms.

“You don’t remember me, do you?” she says. “You told me I looked like a doll. Like Raggedy Ann.”

“I did?”

“Yes, when I was ten.”

I shake my head. “I said that? My God, that’s so insensitive. I’m sorry!”

She shrugs. “It didn’t bother me. It was your debut at the Blue Hill Playhouse. I’m sure you had other things on your mind.”

“Right,” I say, wincing, trying to shake the unwanted memory of that night from my head.

Caroline smiles and rocks on her heels. “It was a great show. My friends and I loved it.”

Her friends, her fellow third-graders.

“Are you a runner?” She points at my dirt-encrusted sneakers, which I’ve thrown into a planter, which contains nothing but dirt because I can’t seem to remember to water anything I plant.

“Uh, yes,” I say, meaning twenty years ago I was a runner but now I’m really more of a jogger, okay, a walker, okay, a person who strolls to her computer and counts it as her daily 10,000 steps.

“Me, too,” she says.

Fifteen minutes later Caroline Kilborn and I are going for a run.

Five minutes later Caroline Kilborn inquires as to whether I have asthma.

Five seconds later I tell her that wheezing sound I’m making is due to allergies and the fact that the acacia has just bloomed, and perhaps she should run ahead as I don’t want to prevent her from getting a good workout on her first day in California.

After Caroline has sprinted out of sight, I step on a pinecone, twist my ankle, and fall, tumbling into a pile of leaves while praying, please

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