The Making of Minty Malone

‘Basically, Minty, a foetus is a parasite,’ she declared as we pulled away from the kerb. ‘It will suck the calcium out of your teeth, the iron out of your blood, and the vitamins from your food. It’s like a fast-growing tumour, taking over your body.’ And then she went on about the horrors of childbirth itself. The pain of parturition: the screaming, the stitches and the blood. But worse than any of these, she says, is the loss of mental power.

‘It is a well-known fact that a woman’s brain shrinks during pregnancy,’ she said, with spurious authority, as I got into the car again.

‘Well, yes, but not by the 70 per cent you claim,’ I replied, as we set off. ‘I think that statistic may be, you know, not quite right.’

‘I’m sure it is right,’ she said, pursing her lips and shaking her head. ‘I have a number of extremely intellectual friends who, the minute they got pregnant, took out subscriptions to Hello!’

And then she started talking about Dominic again and what a ‘total shyster’ he was and how, if it hadn’t been for him jilting me, Charlie would never have dumped her. I didn’t agree with this analysis, but obviously I didn’t say so. I never argue with Amber. I’ve never really argued with anyone, though I’m beginning to think I should. And then she went on and on about how she’s going to put Dominic in her next book. And I said, ‘Please, Amber, please, please don’t.’

‘Oh, don’t worry,’ she said with a sly smile as we hurtled home. ‘I’ll do it very subtly.’

Subtly? Amber has all the subtlety of a commando raid.

‘No, really, Minty, I’ll disguise him totally,’ she went on in that pseudo-soothing way of hers. ‘I’ll call him Dominic Lane, thirty-five, a blond insurance salesman from Clapham Common, so no one will know who he is!’ And she laughed maniacally at this as she jumped another red light.

That’s just the kind of thing she would do, though. Because the truth is, she doesn’t disguise people at all. It’s appalling. I don’t know how she gets away with it. For example, I featured in one of her books, Fat Chance, as ‘Mindy’, a frustrated radio reporter with ambitions to be a presenter. She’d even given ‘Mindy’ my long curly dark hair and the same address in Primrose Hill. Mum was in the next one, The Hideaway, which was a sort of Aga-saga set in London W9. And of course everyone knew it was Mum. In fact, Amber made it so obvious I don’t know why she didn’t just call the character Dympna Malone and be done with it. And when Mum and I eventually said that we’d really rather not be in any more of her books, thanks, because, well, we’d just rather not, she went into her usual spiel about how she was only creating ‘composites’ and how no one could possibly think it was us. And we’d heard that convenient, self-serving lie so many times before.

‘Why don’t you try using a little, you know, imagination, dear?’ Mum suggested sweetly. ‘Next time, why don’t you just try and make the characters up?’

Amber gave Mum this funny, and not particularly friendly look, while I stared at the floor.

‘Auntie Dympna,’ she said seriously, ‘I’m a novelist. It’s my job to “hold the mirror up to nature,” as the Prince of Denmark himself once put it.’

‘Yes, but it’s a metaphorical mirror, dear,’ Mum pointed out without malice.

At this, Amber picked up one of her books and opened it at the second page. ‘“This novel …”’ she announced, reading aloud, ‘“is entirely a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, events or localities, is entirely co-incidental.” Entirely,’ she added, pointedly.

So that was that. At least we haven’t come off too badly in Amber’s books, though I don’t think Mum enjoyed being portrayed as an eccentrically dressed, late middle-aged woman, indiscriminately raising money by highly dubious and quite possibly criminal methods for any charitable cause she could lay her hands on. But it’s worse for Amber’s exes. She’s terribly hard on them. In they all go. Unfavourably, of course, as paedophiles, axe-murderers, benefit cheats, adulterers, gangsters, drug-dealers, hairdressers and petty crooks. Totally defamatory. I’m amazed they don’t sue. Too embarrassed, I suppose, to admit it might be them. I guess this is what Amber banks on, but one day her luck will run out.

Still, even though there are certain, well, tensions, there, I like having her around. At the moment we help staunch each other’s wounds. Hand each other hankies. Try and make each other eat – I’ve lost six pounds since Saturday, and my hips are starting to show.

Amber’s making Charlie pay to have all her stuff sent over in a van. She said that as he’d dumped her, he’d have to pay to get her out. So on Friday a white transit van pulled up in Princess Road and out came box after box. Loads of books, of course, and her computer; three pictures, and a couple of lamps; a bedside table and an easy chair, and several suitcases of clothes. And there was kitchen equipment too. I felt sorry for her as she took the things in, with tears streaming down her face. I was a bit concerned, to be honest, about where it would all go. Well, she’ll only be here for a while, I told myself. And I’ve a big half-landing, and a shed.

‘Hello!’ squawked Pedro. The phone. Dominic! I picked it up. Dom –!

‘Minty …’ My heart sank. It was Jack.

‘Hello, Jack,’ I said warily.

‘Minty, look …’

‘What is it?’ I said, though I knew exactly why he’d called.

‘I won’t beat about the bush, Minty. When are you coming back?’

I sank on to the hall chair.

‘I’m not ready yet,’ I pleaded. ‘It’s barely a week. Please, please give me more time.’

‘Well …’

‘Compassionate leave?’

‘You don’t qualify – you’re not bereaved.’

‘I am bereaved!’ I moaned. ‘In a way …’ I just couldn’t face them all yet. ‘I’m …bereft,’ I added quietly, swallowing hard.

‘I need you here, Minty,’ Jack said. ‘And I think it will be good for you to come back to work. Get it over with. As you know, we’re all very …sorry.’

‘That’s what makes it so much worse,’ I wailed. ‘I don’t want your sympathy.’ I was crying now. I couldn’t help it. ‘Dominic took all my dignity,’ I sobbed. ‘Every shred of it. Every last bit. I’d rather he’d have shot me!’

‘I’d rather you’d have shot him!’ said Jack. ‘A hundred years ago someone would have done it for you. Would you like me to get up a posse?’ he added. ‘I’m sure I could round up a few willing volunteers to avenge your wounded honour.’

All at once, I had visions of Dominic being pursued round London by lasso-wielding cowboys, led by Jack, with a shining sheriff’s badge. And at that, I laughed. I laughed and laughed. And I suddenly realised it was the first time I had laughed since Saturday. Then I laughed again, madly, and couldn’t stop. I was hysterical. I was literally hysterical, I think.

‘Nine o’clock on Monday, then?’ said Jack brightly, after a pause. I sighed, deeply. Then sighed again.

‘Make it nine-thirty,’ I said.

The next day, Saturday, my ‘weekiversary’, I dealt with my wedding dress and shoes. These I took to Wedding Belles, an upmarket second-hand bridal dress agency just behind Earl’s Court. I looked at the ranks of white and ivory gowns rustling on their rails, and wondered what tales they might tell.

‘It’s lovely,’ breathed the proprietor, as she inspected it for ice-cream stains and drops of champagne. ‘I should be able to charge £800 at least,’ she went on enthusiastically, ‘so that’s £400 for you.’ Or rather, for Cancer Research. ‘You must have looked fantastic,’ she added as she pinned a label on to the dress. ‘Did it go well?’

‘It was sensational,’ I replied. ‘It went without a hitch.’

‘And did you cry?’ she asked as she hung it up.

‘Oh yes,’ I said. ‘I cried.’

And that was it. Nothing left. Or almost nothing. Dad had already taken Granny’s tiara back to the bank. All that remained now was Nearly Wed, my bouquet and my veil. So on Sunday evening, at about nine, Amber drove me down to the Embankment, and we walked up the steps on to Waterloo Bridge. Gulls circled, screeching, over the water, and the windows from the office buildings flashed red and gold in the setting sun. A river cruiser passed underneath, and up floated music, voices and laughter. I watched the wake stream out, spreading and widening to touch both banks. Then I opened my bag, took out Nearly Wed and dropped it into the water. Amber and I didn’t exchange a word as I removed my veil, and a pair of sewing shears. She helped me hold it over the rail as I cut into the voile, slicing the fabric into fragments which the stiff breeze snatched away. One by one they flew up, then fluttered down like confetti. Some pieces seemed to go on for miles, dancing up and down over the water like big white butterflies. All that remained now was the bouquet. I looked at it one last time, remembering how happy I had felt as it had lain across my lap in the beribboned Bentley just a week before. The petals were no longer plump and fresh, but hung limp and translucent on their stems. I recalled how much I had been looking forward to throwing it on my wedding day. I would throw it now, instead.

‘Go on,’ Amber urged.

I grasped the posy firmly, pulled back my arm, and hurled it with a force which lifted me on to the balls of my feet. It shot out of my hand and flew down. I heard the faintest splash, then saw it quickly borne away, spinning gently in the whorls and eddies which studded the surface of the river. In a few hours, I reflected, it would reach the open sea.

‘Your turn now,’ I said.

‘Right,’ declared Amber with a fierce little laugh, ‘I’m going to change my life too!’ She opened her bag, and removed from it a well-thumbed copy of The Rules. She smiled sweetly, ripped it clean in half, then tossed both bits over the side. ‘I’m not interested in “capturing the heart of Mr Right”!’ she yelled. ‘I’m not going to give a damn about being single either!’ she added. At this she took out Bridget Jones’ Diary, and flung it as far as it would go. ‘Bye bye, Bridget Bollocks!’ she called out gaily as it hit the Thames. Then she took out What Men Want. Up that went too, high into the air, then down, down, down. ‘I don’t care what men bloody well want!’ she yelled, to the amusement of a couple passing by. ‘It’s what I want. And I don’t want babies. I don’t even want marriage. But I do want my books to win prizes!’

Ah. That was a tricky one. I tried to think of something tactful.

‘Maybe you’ll get the Romantic Novelists’ Prize,’ I said, with genuine enthusiasm. But Amber gave me a dirty look and I knew that I had blundered.

‘It’s the Booker I was thinking of, actually,’ she said tartly. ‘And the Whitbread, not to mention the Orange Prize for Fiction. Of course, I wouldn’t expect to win all three,’ she added quickly.

‘Of course not, no,’ I replied. ‘Still, there’s a first time for everything,’ I said, with hypocritical encouragement as we walked down the steps to the car.

‘You must understand that my books are literary, Minty,’ she explained to me yet again, as she opened the door. ‘The Romantic Novelists’ Prize is for’ – she winced – ‘commercial books.’

‘I see,’ I said, though I didn’t. Because I’ve never really understood this literary/commercial divide. I mean, to me, either a book is well written, and diverting, or it isn’t. Either it compels your attention, or it doesn’t. Either the public will buy it, or they won’t. And the public don’t seem to buy very many of Amber’s. I wanted to drop the subject because, to be frank, it’s a minefield, but Amber just wouldn’t let it go.

‘I have a very select, discerning readership,’ she acknowledged, ‘because I’m not writing “popular fiction”.’ This was absolutely true. ‘So I accept that I’m never going to be a bestseller,’ she enunciated disdainfully, ‘because I’m not in that kind of market.’

‘But …’ I could hear the ice begin to crack and groan beneath my feet.

‘But what?’ she pressed, as we drove up Eversholt Street.

‘But, well, writers like, say, Julian Barnes and William Boyd, Ian McEwan and Carol Shields …’ I ventured.

‘Yes?’

‘ …Helen Dunmore, Kate Atkinson and E. Annie Proulx.’

‘What about them?’ she said testily, as she changed up a gear.

‘Well, they’re literary writers, aren’t they?’

‘Ye-es,’ she conceded.

‘And their books are often bestsellers.’

Amber looked as though she had suddenly noticed an unpleasant smell.

‘Clearly, Minty,’ she said, as the speedometer touched fifty-five, ‘you know nothing about contemporary fiction. No, I’m really going to go for it,’ she vowed as we hurtled through our third red light. ‘I’m simply determined to break through.’

As for me, I’d decided I was simply determined to survive.

‘Erectile problems? Try – NIAGRA!’ said the cheery pseudo-American voice-over artist as I pushed on the revolving door. I entered the building, flashed a smile and my ID at Tom, then walked slowly up the stairs. London FM’s output poured forth from every speaker; it’s a bit like pollution – hard to avoid. It’s in the reception area, the corridors and the lifts. It’s in the boardroom and the basement canteen. It’s in every single office, and the stationery cupboard. It even seeps into the loos.

‘So remember – NIAGRA! Get out £9.99 and get it UP!’

Delightful, I thought, as I studied my pale reflection in the Ladies on the third floor. And then I thought, oh dear. You see, whenever London FM is going through a bad patch, the ads get worse and worse. In fact, they act as an unofficial barometer for the station’s health, which is not very good right now.

‘Unsightly fat on your upper arms?’ enquired a solicitous female voice. No, I thought as I lifted them up to brush my long, dark hair. ‘Ugly dimples on hips and thighs?’ I gazed at my shrunken middle. Nope. ‘Introducing the new Bum and Tum Slim – THE fast, effective way to lose inches.’ I don’t want to lose any more inches, I thought – I’d lost half a stone in a week.

I glanced at my watch, and a sharp surge of adrenaline began to make my heart race. Nine thirty. No putting it off. I’d have to go in and face them all now. At least then it’d be over with, I thought wearily, as I picked up my bag. The staring. The stifled titters. The sudden silences when I walked by; the giggles by the coffee machine, the furtive conversations by the fax.

Breathing deeply, I walked through the newsroom, passed the sales department and went into the Capitalise office. Mayhem met my eyes. Once again, the cleaners had failed to show. Books and papers spilled across desks; wastepaper bins overflowed. A spaghetti of editing tape lay on the floor, while an upturned cup dripped tea on to the carpet. In one corner a printer spewed out sheets of script which no one bothered to collect. Where was everyone? I wondered. What on earth was going on? Then, from the adjacent boardroom came a shrill, familiar voice, and I realised that the planning meeting had started early. I opened the door and crept in. Good. They were too busy arguing to notice me.

‘CWAP!’ screeched Melinda Mitten, our ‘star’ presenter, and I marvelled yet again at how a woman with a serious speech impediment could have become a professional broadcaster. Actually, there’s a simple explanation for this: a) her uncle owns the station and b) her uncle owns the station. He’s Sir Percy Mitten, the hosiery king. Very big in tights. And his stockings were always said by those who knew to be the ‘denier cri’. But two years ago he sold Pretty Penny for, well, a pretty penny, and decided to buy London FM. Like many a business baron he wanted to move into the media, and owning a radio station had become de rigueur. Once derided as brown-paper-and-Sellotape outfits struggling to survive, commercial radio stations had acquired a certain cachet. In fact, they were the ultimate accessory for the successful industrialist with his eye on a seat in the Lords. And so we turned up for work one day to find we’d been the target of a takeover. Our owners had sold us, like a used car, to the Mitten Group. No one had had a clue. Not even Jack. It was a fait accompli. He’d been informed about it on his mobile phone as he made his way into work. For a while, chaos reigned. No one knew what to expect. Words like ‘rationalisation’ and ‘belt-tightening’ were bandied about like balls. Anyone over thirty-five was told to expect their cards. Bob Harper, ‘the voice of London FM’, was summoned and summarily sacked and, the next day, Melinda arrived in a Porsche and a cloud of Poison.

‘Hello, evewyone,’ she’d said amiably. ‘I’m the new pwesenter.’

In the event, apart from Melinda’s arrival, life remained remarkably unchanged. There was gossip about us in Broadcast, of course, and there were also dark mutterings about Jack. Some claimed he had lost his authority and should have fallen on his sword. But he was forty, a dangerous age in an industry driven by youth. I was very relieved that he stayed. It was Jack who’d given me my first break. I didn’t know anything about radio – I’d been teaching for five years – but all of a sudden I got the broadcasting bug, and so I pestered Jack. I wrote to him, and got a rejection letter. I wrote again, and got another. Then I went round to London FM, just behind the Angel, and asked his assistant, Monica, if he’d see me. She told me he was too busy. So I went back again the next day, and this time, he agreed. Monica showed me into his office. Jack was sitting staring at his computer. He was in his late thirties, and he was very attractive.

‘Look, I don’t mind seeing you,’ he said, after a minute. ‘But, as I told you, I don’t have any vacancies. In any case, I only employ trained people.’

‘Can’t you train me?’ I asked.

‘No,’ he said firmly, ‘I don’t have the money.’

‘Well, how much does it cost?’

‘That’s not the point,’ he said, slightly irritably. ‘It’s not even as though you’ve been a journalist.’ This was true. I wasn’t exactly an enticing prospect. ‘Whenever I appoint someone,’ he explained, ‘I have to justify that choice to Management. And I’m afraid I just don’t have the budget to run a kindergarten for beginners.’ He handed me back my CV. ‘I’m very sorry. I admire your persistence, but I’m afraid I really can’t help.’

‘But I want to be a radio journalist,’ I said, as if that were all the explanation that was required. ‘I really think I’d be good.’

‘You haven’t got any experience,’ he countered wearily. ‘So I simply can’t agree.’

But I’d stayed in there, trying to make him change his mind. Looking back, I’m astonished at my boldness. In the end, he’d nearly lost his temper. He had shown me the Himalayan pile of CVs lying on his desk. He’d made me listen to the show-reels of three of his top reporters. He’d told me to try my luck making coffee at the Beeb. But, like Velcro, I had stuck.

‘I’ll work for nothing,’ I said.

‘We’re not allowed to do that,’ he replied. He leaned towards me across his huge, paper-strewn desk, hands clasped together as if in prayer. When he spoke again, he was almost whispering. ‘You can’t edit tape; you’ve never interviewed anyone; you’ve no idea how to make a feature, and you wouldn’t know a microphone from a baseball bat. I need competent, talented, experienced people, Minty, and I’m afraid that’s all there is to it.’

‘OK, I know I’m not experienced, but I am very enthusiastic and I’d learn very quickly if you’d just give me a chance, and you see, I’ve been reading this book about radio production, so I already know quite a lot.’

‘A book?’ he said, wryly. ‘Very impressive. Right,’ he said, with a penetrating stare, ‘what are “cans”?

‘Headphones.’

‘What does “dubbing” mean?’

‘Copying.’

‘“De-umming”?’

‘Taking out all the glitches – the ums and ah’s.’

‘What about “wild-track”?’ He had picked up a piece of yellow leader tape and was twisting it in his hands.

‘Er …background noise, like birdsong, or traffic.’

‘More or less. What’s “popping”?’

‘Distortion on the microphone.’

‘OK. What are “bands”?’ He had swivelled round in his chair and was tapping something out on his computer keyboard.

‘Edited speech inserts,’ I said.

‘What’s a “pot-cut”?’ He went over to the printer, which started up with a high-pitched whine.

‘An early coming-out point on an insert, when a live programme is running short of time.’

This quiz was starting to get me down. He tapped something out on his computer.

‘What does “i.p.s.” mean?’

‘Inches per second.’

‘Very good. What’s a “simulrec”?’ And now he was printing something out.

‘I really haven’t the faintest.’ This was ridiculous.

‘The same interview recorded in two different places and edited together later.’ He was scanning the page with his eyes.

‘What’s a segue?’ he asked.

‘Oh, I don’t know.’ I didn’t like this. I was on my feet.

‘Music or speech which follows on from something else without an intervening explanatory link.’ He folded the printout in two. ‘What’s a “Lyrec”?’

‘I haven’t a clue,’ I said. ‘And I don’t really care any more.’

‘It’s a portable reel-to-reel tape-recorder, rather oldfashioned but still used for OB’s. What’s an “OB”?’

‘An Outside Bloody Broadcast,’ I said, sweeping up my bag from the floor. ‘These are just boring technical terms,’ I said. ‘I don’t have to know them. I want to be a reporter, not a sound engineer. I’m sorry to have bothered you. I think I’ll try somewhere else.’ I reached for the door handle, but Jack was holding that piece of folded paper out to me. I took it and opened it up.

‘Right,’ he said. He was behind his desk, staring at me with his dark brown eyes. ‘That’s a news despatch about the environmental protest in Lambeth. There are plans for a hypermarket there, with a new link road, and the eco-warriors are creating.’

‘I know,’ I said. ‘In fact, my Moth-’ I bit my lip. I decided to keep Mum out of it. ‘It’s been in the papers,’ I said.

Jack clasped his hands behind his head, and leaned back in his chair.

‘I want you to go down there and collect some material. I want some wild-track of the bulldozers, and a few vox-pops from the protesters – no more than six – which will accompany an interview we’re running tomorrow. My assistant Monica will get you a tape-recorder,’ he said, as he turned back to his computer. ‘Make sure you hold the lead still so that it doesn’t crackle, and keep the mike no more than a hand-span away from your subject’s mouth. When you get back I’ll find a spare producer to help you cut it down.’ He looked at me, seriously. ‘I expect you to mess this up a bit, because you’ve never done it before. But if you screw it up completely, I don’t want to see you again.’

That’s how I got started. And because Mum was there, collecting for the pressure group Eco-Logical, she knew all the campaigners and helped me get some really good quotes. Jack was happy with what I’d done, so he gave me a freelance reporting shift. Then, a week later, he gave me another. And then another. Soon, I began to compile longer pieces, quite complex ones – they took me ages to begin with. Sometimes – though I’d never tell anyone this – they took all night to do. Then, a few months later, it happened: one of the staff reporters was poached by Channel 4 News and there I was, on the spot. That was three years ago. My life seemed complete. I had fallen in love with radio; and then I fell in love with Dominic too.

‘That weely is cwap!’ Melinda screeched again, as I sat down in the boardroom on my first day back.

‘I thought Wesley’s idea was rather good,’ Jack said.

‘Oh, thanks, Jack,’ simpered Wesley. ‘Do you really think so?’ And then Wesley noticed me, and smiled.