The Complete Man and Boy Trilogy: Man and Boy, Man and Wife, Men From the Boys

I sat down beside her, taking her hands. I kissed her on the mouth. Softly, lips together. I loved to kiss her all different ways.

‘I’m sorry he scared you,’ I said. ‘He does that sometimes. Climbs in my bed, I mean. I should have warned you.’

‘I’m okay.’

‘Are you sure?’

She shook her head.

‘Not really.’

‘Listen, I really am sorry he frightened you like that. I’ll try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I’ll put a lock on my door. Or tie him down. Or –’

‘It’s not Pat,’ she said. ‘It’s us.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘We haven’t really talked, have we?’

‘Sure we have. I told you about Gina. You told me about the guy who was into the bamboo. The one who wasn’t Rhett Butler. We talked a lot. We got all the sad stories out of the way.’

‘That’s the past. I mean we haven’t talked about now. We don’t know what the other one wants. I like you, Harry. You’re funny and you’re sweet. You’re good with your boy. But I don’t know what you’re expecting from me.’

‘I’m not expecting anything.’

‘That’s not true. Of course you are. Same as I am. Same as anyone is when they start sleeping together or holding hands in beautiful buildings and getting all dreamy over the coffee and all that. Everyone is expecting things. But I’m not sure if they’re the same things.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘Well – do you want more children?’

‘Jesus. We just slept together for the first time.’

‘Ah, come on. You know in your heart if you want more children or not, Harry. I don’t mean with me. I mean with anyone.’

I looked at her. As it happens, I had been thinking about it a lot.

‘I want more children if the person I have them with is going to be with me forever. Okay?’

‘But nobody can guarantee that they’re going to stay together forever.’

‘Well, that’s what I want. I don’t want to go through it all again. I don’t like seeing all the pain and disappointment that you pass on to some innocent little kid who didn’t ask for it and who doesn’t deserve it. I didn’t like going through all that with Pat and I’m never going through it again, okay? And neither is any child of mine.’

‘Sounds very noble,’ she said. ‘But it’s not really noble at all. It’s just your get-out clause. You want more children, but you only want them if you’re guaranteed a happy ending. Only Walt Disney can guarantee you a happy ending, Harry. And you know it. Nobody can ever give you that kind of guarantee. So everything just – I don’t know – drifts.’

I didn’t like the way this was going. I wanted more kisses. I wanted to watch her sleeping. I wanted her to show me beautiful buildings that I never knew existed. And the boats – we were still going on the boats, weren’t we?

‘You can’t just transfer your heart to another woman after your marriage breaks up, Harry. You can’t do it without thinking a little about what you want. What you’re expecting. Because if you don’t, then seven years down the line you will be in exactly the same place you reached with Gina. I like you, and you like me. And that’s great. But it’s not enough. We have to be sure we want the same things. We’re too old for games.’

‘We’re not too old,’ I said. ‘For anything.’

‘Too old for games,’ she said. ‘As soon as you’ve got a kid, you’re too old for games.’

What did she know about having a kid?

‘I have to go home,’ she said, standing up.

‘What about rowing on the lake?’ I asked.

‘Rowing on the lake can wait.’

Twenty-Four

‘It’s the ding-dong man,’ Peggy said.

She was sitting on the floor playing with Star Wars figures, lost in some weird happy families game where Darth Vader and Princess Leia set up home on the Millennium Falcon and spend their evenings trying to get Harrison Ford to go to sleep.

Pat was standing on the sofa, massive headphones wrapped around his ears, groaning and rolling his eyes to the heavens and swaying from side to side as he listened to Sally’s tape.

‘The ding-dong man is coming,’ Peggy said to no one in particular, lifting her head with a secret smile.

At first I didn’t have a clue what she was going on about. Then I heard what her new five-year-old ears had picked up a lot earlier than my decrepit old lugholes – a chiming of distant bells that seemed to echo around the neighbourhood.

They didn’t have the dull insistence of church bells. There was something tender and cheap and unexpected about them – they were an invitation rather than a command.

Naturally I remembered those bells from my own childhood, but for some reason I was always surprised to find that they still existed. He was still out there, still doing the rounds, still asking the children to put down their games and come into the street and stuff their happy little faces with sugar and milk. It was the ice-cream man.

‘The ding-dong man,’ Peggy said.

I pretended I hadn’t heard her, turning back to the work that was spread out before me on the coffee table. Peggy wasn’t even supposed to be here. This wasn’t one of the afternoons when she came home with Pat. It was the day before the show and I had a shooting script to wade through, a task I found much easier when Pat and Peggy were not squawking on the carpet or listening to Sally’s tape and those songs about bitches, gangsters and guns. Peggy was a sweet kid and never any trouble. But on a day like today, I preferred to have Pat squawking on the carpet alone.

Peggy was only here because her useless, chain-smoking babysitter had not been at the school to pick her up.

I had gone to meet Pat and found the pair of them holding hands at the gate, chatting away to Miss Waterhouse, their adoring faces lifted towards their young teacher.

Miss Waterhouse left us with a big grin and went off to do whatever primary school teachers do for the second half of the day, while we waited for Bianca’s thin, sallow face to come coughing through the crowds in a halo of cigarette smoke. Except that Bianca didn’t show up.

So the three of us waited at the school gates holding hands. And, as all those young mums swirled around us collecting their children, I stood among their bright chatter and car fumes feeling like the neighbourhood leper.

There were all kinds of young mothers outside those school gates. There were mums with Range Rovers and those waxed green coats that are made for the country. There were mums who caught the bus in ankle bracelets. And there were all the young mums in the middle who had enough sense not to have their partners’ names tattooed on their shoulders, but who weren’t rich or stupid enough to ferry around their five-year-olds in enormous four-wheel drives with bull bars on the front.

But whether they were in ankle bracelets or Alice bands, Prada or polyester, these young mothers all had one thing in common. They all looked at me as though I were the enemy.

At first I thought it was paranoia. I hardly had to explain that my marriage had broken up – just being there, a man alone, always without the company of a woman – unless it was my mother – was like drawing a diagram of our broken home and hanging it on the school gates. But these women didn’t even know me or Gina – so why should they dislike me? I decided that I must be feeling thin-skinned and sensitive after all the changes of the last few months.

Yet as the term wore on and the days got darker and shorter, I came to realise that it wasn’t paranoia at all. Young mothers didn’t talk to me. They avoided my eye. They really didn’t want to know. At first I tried to engage some of them in small talk, and they acted as if I had asked them for a blow job. So after a while, I didn’t bother.

All those mums smiling sweetly at each other, they really would have preferred it if I weren’t there. It got to the point where I tried to time my arrival at the school gates to the very second when the children were set free. Because I couldn’t stand being around all those young mothers. And they couldn’t stand being around me.

The teachers were always very friendly to me, and when I was talking to Miss Waterhouse it was easy to convince myself that I was part of the modern world where men could be single parents too. But that was proved to be a load of old bollocks any time I had to pause at the school gates.

Whether they were from the big white houses or the council flats, the mothers always gave me a wide berth. It had started on the first day of school, and it had somehow continued through all the other days.

The women in Alice bands had more in common with the women in ankle bracelets than they did with me. The women who were single parents had more in common with the women who had partners than they did with me. At least that’s how they all acted.

It was all very English and understated, but there was no denying that the suspicion and embarrassment were always there. There might be understanding and enlightenment for a single father with a little kid out in the working world. But here at the sharp end of parenting, outside those school gates, nobody wanted to know. It was as if Pat and I were a reminder of the fragility of all their relationships.

But when Bianca failed to show up, and I stood waiting for her with Pat and Peggy, it felt like it was even more than that. Those mothers seemed to look upon me as a reminder of the thousand things that could go wrong with men.

Standing at those gates, I felt as though I was an ambassador for all the defective males in the world. The men who were never there. The men who had pissed off. The men who couldn’t be trusted around children.

Well, fuck the lot of them. I was sick of being treated like the enemy.

It wasn’t that I minded being considered an oddball. I expected that. After all, I knew I was an oddball. But I was tired of carrying the can for every faulty man in the world.

I loathed Peggy’s babysitter – this girl who couldn’t even make it to the gates of a primary school at an appointed hour, this useless coughing cow who couldn’t even manage to get a phone call to the teacher to warn us that she wasn’t coming, bloody Bianca with her modern name and her modern assumption that someone else would take care of her responsibilities.

But at least Peggy wasn’t her child. And far more than the bitterness I felt towards Peggy’s useless babysitter was the loathing I felt for Peggy’s useless parents.

It’s true that I didn’t really know anything about them, apart from the fact that her father was out of the picture and that her mother worked strange hours. But in all the important ways, I felt that I knew everything about them.

Peggy’s dad clearly took his parental responsibility about as seriously as he would a fortnight’s package holiday in Florida. And it didn’t really matter if Peggy’s mum were some hotshot in the City or if she were supplementing her welfare state pocket money with a dip in the black economy. She obviously put her daughter’s wellbeing at the bottom of her list of life’s priorities.

They were typical modern parents. They were incapable of looking after this child. And if there was one thing that I had grown to hate, it was people who bring a kid into the world and then figure that the difficult bit is done.

Well, fuck the pair of them, too.

So after the crowds were starting to thin out, just when all the young mums had gone and the worst was over and I didn’t actually mind standing at the school gates any more, we went into the front office and I told the secretary that Peggy was coming home with us.

Delighted at their unexpected chance to hang out together, Pat and Peggy squealed with delight as they crammed their little bodies into the front seat of the MGF. And I found myself making an effort not to cry, which was something I found myself doing every once in a while at those school gates. I felt sorry for Peggy, just as I felt sorry for Pat. We mess up our lives, and it is these forlorn little figures who pick up the bill.

Now I looked at her playing quietly on the floor, ignored even by Pat as he listened to Sally’s brutal songs, the bells of the ding-dong man starting to fade away, and I felt a knot of regret and shame in my heart.

‘Do you want an ice cream?’ I asked her, feeling about as inadequate as I had ever felt in my life, feeling that I owed her some sort of apology.

Sorry about the collapse of the modern marriage, Peggy. Sorry that adults these days are so self-centred and dumb that we can’t even manage to bring up our own children. Sorry that the world is so messed up that we think about our sons and our daughters about as deeply as the average barnyard animal.

But how about a Cornetto?

I was paying the ice-cream man for three 99s when Cyd came around the corner.

‘You want a 99?’ I asked her.

‘What’s a 99?’

‘One of these,’ I said. ‘A cornet with a chocolate flake stuck in it. They’re great.’

‘No thanks,’ she said. ‘I think I’ll keep a few teeth for dinner. How you doing?’

‘I’m okay,’ I said, leaning forward and kissing her on the mouth. She didn’t make much of an attempt to kiss me back. ‘I thought you were at work.’

‘I got a call to come and pick up Peggy,’ she said. ‘Bianca couldn’t make it. Sorry about that.’

I stared at her for a moment, unable to work out how these two worlds were connected.

‘You know Peggy?’ I said.

She shook her head. I didn’t get it, did I?

‘She’s my daughter, Harry.’

We were standing outside the front door of my house.

She looked at me with those wide-set brown eyes. Waiting.

‘Peggy’s your daughter?’

‘I was going to tell you,’ she said. ‘Honest.’ She gave a little laugh that said she knew it wasn’t all that funny. ‘I was just waiting for the right time. That’s all.’

‘The right time? Why didn’t you tell me straightaway? Why wasn’t that the right time?’

‘I’ll explain later.’

‘Explain now.’

‘Okay,’ she said, pulling the front door so that it was almost closed. So the kids couldn’t hear us. Our kids. ‘Because I don’t want my daughter to meet strange men who might be out of my life very soon.’

‘You don’t want her to meet strange men? What are you going on about, Cyd? I’m not a strange man. She spends more time in this house than she does anywhere. Peggy knows me already.’

‘She knows you as Pat’s dad. She doesn’t know you as my – well. What are you, Harry? I guess you’re my boyfriend, aren’t you? She doesn’t know you as my boyfriend. And I don’t want her to meet a boyfriend until I’ve been seeing him for a while. Okay?’

This didn’t make any kind of sense to me. A blob of ice cream dropped on to my hand.

‘But she had dinner here almost every night last week!’ I said. ‘She sees more of me than she does of that feckless bastard you married!’

‘You don’t know him.’

I loved that.

‘Oh – good guy, is he?’

‘Maybe not,’ she said. ‘But I don’t want her to grow up believing that every man is going to disappear the way her father disappeared. I don’t want her finding strange men in my bed – and you are strange. In that way, you are, Harry. I don’t want a strange man there when she wakes up. I don’t want her thinking that it doesn’t mean anything. And I don’t want her getting attached to someone who might not be around that long.’

She was trying to be calm, but her voice was choking up a bit now and I felt like putting my arms around her. Which would have been very messy, as I was still holding three melting 99s.

‘Because I don’t want her getting more hurt than she has been already,’ she said. ‘I don’t want her to give her little heart to someone and then he casually breaks it. Okay, Harry? Okay?’

‘Okay,’ I said. ‘Okay.’

She blinked hard, tightening her mouth. I cleaned the ice cream from my hands. Then we went inside and I realised that nothing is extraordinary to a child.

Maybe when you are a kid life is still so full of wonder that there can be no real surprises, because almost everything is a surprise. Or perhaps children just adapt faster than adults. Either way, Peggy and Pat didn’t faint with shock when Cyd walked into the house.

‘Mommy,’ Peggy said, and I thought – of course. Now I knew where I had seen those eyes before.

Cyd sat down on the floor and listened to her daughter explaining the domestic set-up on the Millennium Falcon. She took the headphones from my son and listened to a song he liked. Then, after we had all finished our ice creams, she told Peggy that it was time to go home.

‘I’ll call you,’ I said.

‘If you want to,’ she said. ‘I know this must be a bit of a shock.’

‘You crazy or what? Of course I want to.’

‘You’re sure?’

‘I’m sure,’ I said, touching her arm. ‘This doesn’t change anything.’

It changed everything.

Twenty-Five

‘Did you make love to the make-up girl?’ I asked Eamon.

He looked at me in his dressing-room mirror and I caught a flash of something passing across his face. Fear maybe. Or anger. Then it was gone.

‘What’s that?’ he said.

‘You heard me the first time.’

The show was taking off. Ratings were good and the offers of lager commercials were starting to come in. But to me he was still a scared kid from Kilcarney with wax in his ears.

‘Yes or no, Eamon? Did you make love to the makeup girl?’

‘Why do you ask?’

‘Because she’s crying. We can’t even get her to put some slap on the guests because she’s sobbing all over her powder puff. It’s gone all soggy.’

‘What’s it got to do with me?’

‘I know she left the studio with you last week.’

He twisted on his little swivel chair, turning to face me with his head framed by the mirror’s border of bare electric lights. He didn’t look so scared any more, despite a shining trickle of sweat snaking through the thick layer of powder on his forehead.

‘You’re asking me if I made love to the make-up girl?’

‘That’s right,’ I said. ‘I don’t care about your morals, Eamon. You can bugger the lighting director during the commercial break if you want to. I don’t care what you do when we’re off air. Just as long as it doesn’t interfere with the running of the show. And a weepy make-up girl who can’t do her job interferes with the running of the show.’

‘You’ve been a big help to me, Harry,’ he said quietly. Sometimes his voice was so low that you had to concentrate just to hear what he was saying. It gave him a certain power. ‘From the moment we met, everything you’ve said to me has made sense. “Remember – you’re only ever talking to one person,” you said. “If you have a good time then they will have a good time.” This stuff might not mean much to you but it’s helped me to get through it. It’s helped me to make it work. I couldn’t have done it without you and I’m grateful. That’s why I’m not angry that you’re asking me this question, a question that – perhaps you’ll agree? – would be a bit rude coming from my mother or my priest.’

‘Did you make love to the make-up girl, Eamon?’

‘No, Harry. I did not make love to the make-up girl.’

‘Is that the truth?’

‘That’s the truth. I did not make love to the makeup girl.’

‘Okay. That’s all I wanted to know.’

‘I fucked the make-up girl.’

‘There’s a difference, is there?’

‘A big difference. It wasn’t the start of a meaningful relationship, Harry. It was the culmination of something quite meaningless – that’s what I liked about it. And Carmen – that’s the make-up girl’s name, Harry, she’s called Carmen – might be a bit upset right now that there’s not going to be a repeat performance, but I strongly suspect that’s what she liked about it too. The very fact that it was a bit raw, a bit rough and for one night only. Sometimes a woman wants you to make love to her. Sometimes she just wants to get fucked. They are just the same as us, Harry. That’s the big secret. They’re just the same.’

‘Why didn’t anyone tell me before now? My life would have been so much simpler.’

‘I’m getting a lot of offers at the moment, Harry. And not all of them are beer commercials. Carmen’s a lovely girl. I’ll treat her with respect. I’ll be friendly to her. But she wanted exactly what I wanted and she got it. She can’t expect anything more from me. And when she gets a grip of herself, she’ll understand that.’

‘You’re not the first young guy who got laid because his ugly mug is on television once a week, Eamon. Just don’t bring your personal dramas into this studio, okay?’

‘Okay, Harry,’ he said mildly. ‘I’m sorry that this has been a disruptive influence, I really am. And I understand that you’re my executive producer and telling me this stuff is why you’re here. But I’m a man, okay?’

‘Yeah? Really? You sound more like some old blues song. I’m a man. Spelt m-a-n. Christ, you’re so fucking butch. You’ll be advertising aftershave next.’

‘I’m a man, Harry. And the reason I’m here is to plant my seed in as many places as I possibly can. That’s why we’re here. That’s what men do.’

‘Bollocks,’ I said. ‘That’s what boys do.’

But later, as I watched him leave the studio with the show’s cutest researcher, I thought – why not?

Why shouldn’t he plant his seed in as many places as possible? What would he be saving it for? And what was so great about the solitary little flowerpot that I was cultivating?

Suddenly there were all these rules.

I could stay at Cyd’s small, top-floor flat, but I had to be gone by the time Peggy got up. Cyd was happy to have me there when Peggy went to bed, and happy about me sleeping with her on the old brass bed under a framed poster of Gone with the Wind. But I had to be out of there before morning came.

Actually, there were not lots of rules. There was just that one rule. But it felt like a lot of rules.

‘Maybe later it will be different,’ Cyd said. ‘If we decide – you know – we want to take it further. If we want to make a proper commitment.’

As soon as I stopped looking into her wide-set brown eyes and she had turned out the light, I didn’t feel like making a proper commitment. To tell you the truth, what I really felt like was something a bit less complicated.

I wanted to be able to sleep in my girl’s arms without being woken up and told it was time to go home. I wanted the kind of relationship where you didn’t have to remember the rules. Most of all, I wanted things to be the way they were before everything got all smashed.

I was still dreaming when I felt Cyd’s mouth on mine.

‘Baby,’ she whispered. ‘Sorry. But it’s time.’

It was still dark outside, but I could hear pigeons hopping around on the roof directly above our heads, a sure sign that it was time to put on my pants and piss off before the sun came up.

‘Got it all worked out, haven’t you?’ I sighed, rolling away from her and getting out of bed.

‘I wish you could stay, Harry. I really do.’

‘So how long is it since you split up with Peggy’s dad? Three years? More? And how many men have you introduced her to?’

‘You’re the first,’ she said quietly, and I wondered if that was true.

‘I just don’t understand what harm it does if she sees me eating a bowl of Cornflakes. Jesus – the kid sees me all week long.’

‘We’ve been through all this,’ Cyd said in the darkness. ‘It’s confusing for her if you’re here in the morning. Please try to understand. She’s five – you’re not.’

‘She likes me. And I like her. We’ve always got on fine.’

‘That’s all the more reason for going now. I don’t want you to be an uncle to Peggy, okay? I want you to be more than that or less than that. But you’re not going to be an uncle. She deserves better. So do you.’

‘Fine,’ I said. ‘Absolutely fine.’

‘You should love me for being like this,’ she said, more angry than hurt. ‘You should understand that I’m just trying to protect her and do what’s best for her. You’ve got a kid yourself. You know what it’s like. If anyone should understand, then you should understand.’