Selfish People

‘Take one,’ he said, pointing to his fags on the low table. Leah did; the smoke made her more dizzy.

‘How’s your training going?’

‘Mega naff.’

‘Have you not been well?’

‘No, I’ve been pissed.’

They sat in silence, their smoke mingling in the tiny sitting room, the children mesmerised by the wrestling Americans.

I should go. I’m an intruder. But I can’t quite believe this, because muddled up with Ian and Rachel and dying and things changing is last Friday …

CHAPTER TWO

She was walking home from a particularly boring Project meeting when she saw Bailey. She recognised him immediately: he had a peculiar stiff way of walking as if he were trying to conserve energy.

‘Bailey!’ she called. She expected him to wave back and keep walking, but he didn’t, he crossed the road.

‘Yo! Wotcha!’

‘Friday night, Bailey, you on the town?’

‘Sure am.’ He was wearing his best plain trousers and a bright orange anorak. He let her admire him for some moments. ‘What you been up to then?’

‘Oh God, meetings, meetings, they’re so tedious!’

Bailey laughed. ‘You’re always at meetings.’

‘I know. Somebody’s got to make decisions.’ She turned to go.

‘Come for a drink,’ he said suddenly. ‘I’m off to the Cambridge.’

She was surprised. She saw him frequently but only in a work context. Yet now he looked so friendly and ridiculous and harmless. ‘Yes, why not.’

The Cambridge was on the other side of the park on the main road. It was seedy. Inside, he looked sharply around and went straight to the bar. Leah sat in a corner. The interior was as tacky as the exterior. Smoke-stained wallpaper and plastic-upholstered chairs. A few young men were playing snooker. Apart from the barmaid Leah was the only woman. Everybody stared at Bailey. He wasn’t bothered. He lit a cigarette, inhaled and stretched himself as if he had just landed in paradise. He took a great gulp of his drink. It was Guinness, thick and black, and he wiped the froth off his mouth with the back of his hand. ‘Take one.’ He tapped his cigarette packet. She did and sipped her drink, which was white wine.

‘They’re here!’ Bailey jumped up as through the door came two men, one dark haired and tall, the other small and fair.

‘Bailey!’ ‘Yo, Declan! Mike!’ ‘How’s you?’ ‘Pint of Guinness? You buy the next one.’ Bailey and the dark-haired man went to the bar. Bailey’s laugh could be heard right through the pub. The small man sat down.

‘How do you do. I’m Declan.’

‘I’m Leah, I work with Bailey.’

‘He has mentioned you.’ He smiled. He had a soft public school voice. He wasn’t much taller than Leah. His hair stuck up like an unbrushed schoolboy’s. He leaned close: ‘Is he dreadful to work with?’

‘He’s shocking, he never does what he’s told.’ Across Declan’s nose were tiny freckles. Mike joined them. Bailey was at the jukebox pronouncing every record ‘mega naff’.

‘He does this every time,’ said Declan and drank nearly half his Guinness in one go. ‘Mike’s from Birmingham.’

‘Don’t tell her that!’ yelled Bailey. ‘Never say you come from Birmingham.’

‘Well, what can I say – he’s from Guildford?’

Bailey roared, ‘Never! Guildford? Never say you’re from Birmingham or Guildford!’

‘Actually … I don’t live there now,’ said Mike.

‘Where do you live?’ Bailey was on his third pint.

‘I’ve just moved to Milton Keynes …’

‘Milton Keynes?’ Bailey and Declan were almost choking. Mike might have been good looking if he hadn’t had such a hesitant manner. He had large brown eyes, which made him seem rabbit-like. He also appeared stunned as if he had been subjected to a week-long trauma.

‘He’s staying with us,’ said Declan with a cute smile.

‘You buy the next one,’ said Bailey.

‘And what do you do?’ Mike asked Leah. Bailey’s choice of music was making conversation difficult.

‘She’s my boss!’ Bailey’s voice could be heard above anything.

Several drinks later Leah had learned very little about Declan and Mike except that Mike never rode scooters, never ever and Declan taught delinquents how to be louts. Mike had become silent and only his drink was keeping him alert. Bailey and Declan had downed at least six pints. There was talk of a party.

‘So how do we get there?’ said Leah, who had no intention of going.

‘On Mike’s scooter!’ shouted Bailey.

The landlord started sweeping up and giving them threatening glances. Eventually they stumbled out. They were the last to leave. Declan and Mike untangled their bicycles. Bailey yawned.

‘Where’s this party then? William Street? Gwilliam Street?’

It occurred to Leah that Al didn’t know where she was. ‘I think I’d better go,’ she said.

‘No, don’t do that,’ said Bailey. Declan and Mike were trying to mount their bikes. ‘We’ll see you there.’ They watched them wobble up the street. Bailey and Leah stayed outside the pub. Inside the lights were being switched off one by one.

‘I don’t fancy a party,’ said Bailey, yawning again. ‘Coffee at my place?’

It’s nearly midnight. Al will be in bed. ‘Yes,’ she said.

They went up the hill to the Wells Road. Leah had to run to keep up with Bailey. This made him laugh; he was extremely fit. ‘This way!’ And he pulled her across the road and into the sloping streets of Totterdown. Terraced houses skidded down the hill off narrow uneven pavements. There were few street lights. They passed an area of bushy wilderness and on the top of it was a row of houses. ‘Up there,’ said Bailey, pointing, and they turned into a street so steep Leah gasped.

‘I run up here every morning,’ said Bailey.

When they reached his house she was only too glad to sit down. He didn’t. He tidied up magazines and emptied ashtrays. ‘Do you like this room?’

‘It’s lovely,’ she said, and it was, it was blue and peaceful apart from Bailey standing there patting his hair.

‘I’ll show you the rest. I helped Declan choose the colours. That’s the kitchen. That’s the back room, but we haven’t done that yet. Come and see my room.’ He bounded upstairs.

Perhaps I shouldn’t visit strange men’s bedrooms. He was standing in the doorway holding the door open for her.

Bailey’s room was large and blue, a sea-greeny blue. There were at least eight plants, big ones, and pictures all over the walls. Paintings of unicorns and other, winged creatures.

‘Did you do these?’ asked Leah. She didn’t think of him as an artist.

‘They’re my dreams,’ said Bailey. She wanted to look at them longer. On the floor were crystals, dried flowers in vases and an enormous double bed.

‘Tea or coffee?’ said Bailey.

They sat downstairs. Bailey slurped out of a huge cup, smoked two cigarettes in a row, put on some music, didn’t like it, went through all his tapes and eventually chose some band he knew from France, who were ‘mega brilliant and nobody has heard of them’. Fortunately he didn’t turn it up loud. He sat next to Leah. She wasn’t drunk, but she was in that odd state where she didn’t care what time it was or what was happening.

‘How long have you been married?’ said Bailey.

‘Ten years.’

He laughed. ‘I’ve never done anything for ten years! But I’ve been a cook, taught English in France and managed a band.’

‘And now you’re on to sports.’

‘But this is permanent.’ He was dead serious. She didn’t contradict him.

‘Well, you must be busy, what with your kids and all?’

‘I do far too much. Work. Husband. Children.’ She looked at him. In one ear he wore an earring with the sun and moon dangling off it. Then, she didn’t know why she asked it, she said, ‘Bailey, have you got any children?’

He went very quiet and spread out his fingers. ‘Yes, I’ve got a little girl in France.’

‘In France? Do you see her?’

He patted his hair. ‘No, not really. I lived there for a while. Things started to go wrong and I left.’

‘What, just like that?’

‘Just like that,’ said Bailey. He took a picture out of a drawer and showed it to her. A little girl of about four with Bailey’s long face and big ears. Leah almost felt like saying, poor little thing.

‘Thank you,’ she said.

‘She’s called Ghislaine.’

They were now sitting quite close together on the sofa and she was looking into his eyes. What a strange colour they are, a greeny greeny blue, and you smell sweet as if you rub yourself all over with aromatic oil. ‘Bailey, have you got a girlfriend?’

‘No. Have you got a boyfriend?’

‘Don’t be silly, you know I’m married.’

‘Why should that stop you –’ Then the front door crashed open. It was Declan tripping over his bike in the hall. He was completely drunk. Bailey hauled him into the sitting room. ‘Where’s Mike?’

‘God … who? I think he’s lost.’

‘I’d better make some tea then,’ said Bailey.

‘Was it a good party?’ asked Leah. Declan had collapsed on the sofa. ‘Awful.’ He grinned at the ceiling. ‘And you … enjoying yourself?’

‘I’m having the time of my life.’

‘Oh good … and what music is this?’

‘An unknown band of Bailey’s.’

‘It’s … terrible.’ He eased himself to the deck, stopped the music abruptly and began looking through the tapes. ‘This –’ he held up an Andy Sheppard tape – ‘is better … my friend gave it to me … and now –’ he was saying each word slowly as if in an elocution lesson – ‘he is dying, he might be dead now and he gave it to me, my best friend.’

‘Are you sure you want to listen to it?’

‘Absolutely.’ He put it on. It took him ages. He sat next to Leah and the music began.

‘I’m sorry to hear about your friend,’ said Leah.

‘It happens … we all die … one day … everything dies …’

Bailey brought in the tea tray. He looked critically at Declan and slammed the tray on the table. ‘I’m not listening to this jazzy crap!’

‘Everything dies, Bailey.’

‘Not right now it bloody doesn’t. Drink yer tea!’

Declan sipped his grumpily. ‘I think there’s wine in the fridge.’ They started arguing about the tape and eventually settled for reggae. Bailey danced at one end of the room. Leah and Declan watched him. He danced awkwardly, but it was fascinating, he was so serious.

‘He practises in front of the mirror,’ whispered Declan.

Someone was knocking on the door. It was Mike with a taxi and no money.

‘Where’s your bike?’ shouted Bailey. ‘Where’s your scooter?’

‘Oh Christ,’ said Mike. Declan found a fiver for the taxi man.

‘Where’s your bike, Mike?’ yelled Bailey.

‘I need a drink.’ Mike held his head. Bailey got the wine and glasses, which were like brandy glasses.

‘I have to go soon,’ said Leah.

‘No, not yet,’ said Bailey. She drank the wine. It was thick and red. Mike began rolling joints. Bailey turned the music up. Declan started rolling joints and soon the room was a Turkish bath of dope smoke.

‘I really ought to go,’ said Leah but she couldn’t move.

‘Have you noticed …’ began Declan, ‘about filo pastry … sometimes it’s much more … Greek than other times?’

‘What?’ said Mike.

‘It’s important … the Greekness of it … the essential Greekness.’

‘It’s mega important,’ said Bailey.

‘What is?’ said Mike.

‘All of it, right through to the last crumb, the last flake.’

‘It’s mega flaky,’ said Bailey, drinking all his wine and starting on Mike’s.

‘What? Just what is what?’ shouted Mike.

‘That’s another question entirely.’ And Declan handed Leah the fourth joint.

I’m on the sofa, smoking and thinking, and what did I just think? That I’m myself, I’m Leah and I’m not somebody’s mother or somebody’s wife … I’m here because I’m myself … and the music is through the ceiling and all the furniture and down the street and inside me … it’s dreamy and perfect … ‘What time is it?’ she asked. Mike was going to bed.

‘It’s three … in the morning,’ said Declan.

‘My God! I really really have to go. I really do!’

She got as far as the front door. Bailey was there, all brilliant colours and smiling.

‘Oh Bailey, I don’t want to go home!’

‘Well, don’t then,’ he said.

She woke up on the sofa. Cold and under a musty-smelling blanket. She rushed into the kitchen. Bailey was making toast. Relaxed and clean in a different outfit. Leah looked at the clock. ‘Oh my God, half-past nine, oh my God!’

He handed her a cup of tea. Her mouth felt like a furry glove.

‘Oh Bailey, what a thing! I’ve never … Al’ll be furious, he’s always furious and today’s bonfire night and I’m selling sausages at the Project …’

She rang up Al. ‘I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry. I just got drunk and fell asleep …’

‘Where the fuck have you been? I’ve been up all night … I rang the police, I rang the hospitals.’

‘Oh Al …’

‘Couldn’t you have phoned, eh?’

‘I did think about it.’ She could hear children crying in the background.

‘Yes, your bloody mother is perfectly all right!’

‘I’m so sorry.’

‘Where the hell are you, anyway?’

‘I’m at Declan’s.’

‘And who the fuck is Declan?’

‘He’s Bailey’s friend.’

‘Bailey? Bailey. What, that ponce in the tracksuit?’

She was about to say he wasn’t a ponce but Al shouted, ‘Oh I see!’ and slammed down the phone.

In the kitchen Bailey gave her toast and a sympathetic smile. ‘Rough, was it?’

‘He thinks … but I didn’t … we didn’t … did we?’

‘Drink yer tea.’ She did and ate half a piece of toast and watched him eat four. He did have an incredible appetite.

‘Bailey, what shall I do?’

‘You’ll be all right.’ And he patted her hand.

Bonfire night was dreadful. Al didn’t speak to her. She saw Bailey again briefly on Wednesday at the Project.

‘How are you?’ she asked, feeling flushed. He was in a hurry.

‘Mega naffed off. Declan’s mate died and he’s been writing poems ever since.’ And he was gone.

Now he was watching television with a face like marble. Leah stood up.

‘It’s time to go,’ she said to the children. ‘Say goodbye to Bailey.’ She led them into the hall. He was still staring at the telly.

‘I’ll see you, Bailey.’

‘You probably will.’

CHAPTER THREE

Al had convinced himself Leah was having an affair with Bailey. The whole business became another thing to row about. They didn’t sleep together, they barely conversed, Al was fed up with his teacher’s course, Leah was fed up with Al and the house was full of mould and crumble. But these things weren’t important. Leah was bonking Bailey. ‘But I’m not,’ she said, quite desperately now. Al came back from college. They pushed tea into the children and put them to bed. Then it all started.

‘Did you go down the Project today?’ Leah was tidying up the kitchen. Al was smoking, smoking and watching her.

‘Oh yes … for a bit.’ She had her back to him.

‘For a bit of what!’ He laughed but there was an underlying hysteria in his voice.

‘I’m tired,’ she said, rinsing the last plate. ‘I think I’ll go to bed soon.’

‘No you won’t.’

She looked at the window and the stained flowery blind and the wet night behind it. ‘I’m tired,’ she said again. Tired and dry and shrivelled up like an old leaf.

‘Why don’t you be honest with me –’ he tried to sound reasonable – ‘then we can deal with it. Why hide it. Why lie all the time?’

She turned round. He was sitting with his feet on the table, rocking the chair. His hair was all over the place. He was wearing his blue stripy dungarees which were the only clothes he had that Leah liked. In the last two days he had managed to get red paint on them and coffee and tobacco ash.

‘You’ll break the chair,’ she said.

‘Fuck the chair!’ He looked demonic.

‘I go to the Project to work,’ she said in her calmest voice. ‘You know what I do there. I help out in the office. I answer the phone. You know this.’

He relit his cigarette. He smoked roll-ups and they always went out. ‘You go there to see Bailey. Ponce-bag Mr Sexy Lycra-shorts.’

‘Al, I do not.’

‘Was he at the Project today? Was he?’

‘No … I mean yes … he came in to collect some keys.’

‘What did he say?’

‘Nothing.’

‘He said nothing? The other week he had you out all night and now he’s saying nothing to you. What do you feel about that?’ He put his feet on the floor and straightened up.

‘Nothing.’

‘Nothing? Nothing? Is that all you can say? Don’t you feel anything? God, you amaze me.’ He tossed his fag-end into the sink and rolled himself another. ‘Your boyfriend’s ignoring you and you feel nothing?’

‘I’ve told you this a dozen times. I don’t even know why I did it. I just felt …’

‘What? What did you feel? You tell me you feel nothing!’

How can I explain this? I felt I was myself and I didn’t belong to anybody.

‘What?’ he was yelling. And she started to cry because she was tired and it all seemed impossible and where was the end?

Al hated her crying. He smashed the table and made the cheese dish jump.

‘Don’t break it!’ sobbed Leah. There had been too much broken crockery lately.

‘Is this all you care about, bits of china? Don’t you care about me?’

This made her cry more. She could only think about being alone and peaceful. He was storming up and down the room banging his fists on the wall. ‘Tell me!’ he screamed, loud enough to wake up the whole street.

‘Tell you what?’ sobbed Leah.

He stopped. ‘You are so fucking stupid I don’t believe you. Look at you. You’re pathetic. All I want to know, it’s so simple and you can’t answer me, is why did you go off with that … ponce. OK you didn’t bonk him. OK you don’t fancy him …’

‘I don’t. He’s got big ears, he’s ugly and stupid.’ She wasn’t looking at Al but at the table and the cheese dish. She had found it in a junk shop and wasn’t it pretty with flowers and gilt. She wanted to pick it up and protect it. ‘Bailey’s thick,’ she said, trying to calm herself. ‘He wears stupid clothes. He’s an idiot.’

Al relit his cigarette. ‘Then why did you go off with him?’

She looked at him and his hungry tired face and his matted hair. ‘I felt I wanted something different.’

‘Different?’ He picked out the word and inspected it. ‘In what way?’

‘From this,’ she said softly. ‘I wanted something different from this.’

‘I see,’ he said. ‘Goodnight.’ And he walked out of the kitchen and out of the front door. She waited. He was given to storming out and storming back in again, but this time he didn’t. She went upstairs. She felt defeated and insignificant. On the landing was Jo, her eldest child.

‘Where’s Daddy?’

‘He’s gone for a walk. It’s very late. Go back to bed.’ She hated it when the children woke up in the middle of a fight. Jo was ten, he was skinny and pale. His pyjamas were too small for him and showed an expanse of bony leg. She wanted him to go away. She opened her bedroom door. ‘Go to bed, dear,’ she said. He looked baffled and half asleep. She felt a pang of pity for him. ‘Be nice to Daddy in the morning.’

It was Thursday and the last week in November. Leah was in the bath. It was her day at the Project. She stayed in the water until it was quite lukewarm. She wanted to be queen of the fairies in a bubbling stream, but she wasn’t, she was Leah in a mouldy bathroom in Garden Hill.

She dressed in her brightest clothes. An egg-yellow jumper and pink leggings. She still felt blank. She put on bright pink lipstick and a coral-coloured coat and went outside.

Garden Hill wasn’t much of a hill and even less of a garden. There were four roads. Garden Hill, at the bottom, Arthur Road, Clarence Road and Walter Road, all named after turn-of-the-century local dignitaries. At the top of the hill were two modern tower blocks also named after forgettable notables. They were built on the site of a large house and gardens demolished in the fifties. Older residents could remember it. A late Victorian heap owned by a successful draper. Around his house terraced rows had crept up right to the garden walls until he was so hemmed in by urban life he sold up and moved elsewhere. There had been an orchard but all this had gone to the tower blocks.

Looking up the hill Leah could see the blocks in the mist. Ugly grey shapes hanging above the houses of Walter Road. The end of Garden Hill had been bombed in the war and there was now a children’s playground, with four swings and a seesaw. From here, on the other side of the railway line she could see all of Bristol. She looked as she always did. The sky was low and heavy, the buildings were shades of grey and the air, too, felt heavy and damp. She could see her breath and she walked on.

The road went under the railway line in a sudden steep lunge and from here on it was flat. This was Brewery Lane. It led to the Project past the tyre sales depot and the masons’ yard. Above it was the railway embankment. She walked along past the stone dust and the fumes of burning tyres, then suddenly there was a country hedge and rowan trees. This was the Garden Hill Project.

It was on four acres of land bordered by Brewery Lane and, on the other side, a huge printing works. It was most unexpected to find a part of the countryside here, but here it was. Twelve years previously a group of local people got fed up with this piece of land earmarked to be a lorry park and they took it over and turned into allotments. Then came the community gardens, the pond and the wildlife area. The Council gave them a grant to make a community centre. When Leah moved to Bristol the Garden Hill Project was bursting with children, old people, plants for sale, vegetables for sale, soup, tea and cakes and sports sessions. Leah worked in the office. She was also on the committee.

The office was a poky room in the old Brewery building. It was not a nice place to work. Lesley answered the phone, booked the various rooms and typed letters, usually at the same time. Barbara dealt with petty cash and salaries and Debbie worked with the children. The phone rang all day. Staff came in to collect keys, management came in to collect staff and anybody else who had a problem or a query. Today, the cleaner was off sick and several mothers were complaining about a dirty floor in the play centre. ‘I’m terribly sorry,’ said Lesley, ‘I’m terribly sorry,’ and soon everybody in the office was apologising. Lesley and Barbara were working mothers with teenage children. They dressed in smart clothes as if they worked in a proper office and not a badly lit room with wobbly shelves crammed full of files. The women left. Barbara made coffee. The phone rang.

Then Bailey burst in. ‘The floor ain’t been swept!’ He was furious. Lesley disappeared to the bank; Barbara was suddenly busy with the accounts. This left Leah. He was the last person in the universe she wanted to see.

‘I’ve got a class at two and I’m not doing it on that bloody floor!’

‘The cleaner’s sick,’ said Leah. Bailey was wearing his best lime green tracksuit. His hair was in a red band. He seemed to fill up the whole room.

‘I’m not doing a class on that floor!’

‘The cleaner is sick,’ said Leah.

‘That’s your fucking problem.’

Barbara coughed. Bailey wasn’t her favourite person. He made a fuss every week about his pay cheque.

‘There is nobody to clean today, we are very short-staffed –’ began Leah.

‘Then there’s no bloody class, that’s it, I’m off!’ and he slammed the sports hall keys on the table.

Oh God, I am so sick of angry men! ‘What do you want me to do, clean the floor for you? I’ll show you where the broom cupboard is.’

‘I’m not paid to clean floors!’

‘Then you won’t get paid at all. Barbara, Bailey isn’t getting paid today.’

‘You can’t do this, I’m on a contract!’