She Was the Quiet One

“There are mean girls here now,” Rose said.

“I realize that. And I want to be part of fixing the culture. Heath and I are trying to foster a healthy atmosphere in Moreland. But it’s tricky. We have to identify the girls causing the trouble, hopefully before they do anything too disruptive, and get them to change their ways, if possible.”

Rose wondered if Mrs. Donovan had heard the gossip. There was a rumor going around that the Moreland seniors—the same girls Bel hung out with—were engaged in a competition to seduce Mr. Donovan. Rose was so outraged when she heard that that she wanted to hit somebody. If it was true, they ought to be expelled. She had half a mind to tell Mrs. Donovan about it right now, and put a stop to it. But how awkward was that—telling Mrs. Donovan other girls wanted to sleep with her husband? It was too embarrassing, and would spoil their cozy tea date.

“Enough about me,” Mrs. Donovan said. “How are you doing, Rose? You’ve been through so much with your mom’s passing. Odell can be a tough transition in the best of times. Are you settling in all right?”

“Yes. I love it here. I couldn’t be happier.”

Mrs. Donovan looked at her skeptically. “I’m very glad to hear that, but you don’t have to say it if it isn’t true. I know you’re off to a great start academically. You’re doing excellent work in math class. I’ve also heard from some of your other teachers that you’re a confident speaker at the Harkness Table, which is a big indicator of success at Odell.”

Her teachers said good things about her. Rose nodded, arranging her features so she wouldn’t look too pleased with herself.

“I adore my classes, Mrs. Donovan. I feel so engaged, like I’m really learning.”

“What about outside of class? Are you feeling comfortable socially?” Mrs. Donovan asked.

“I’m doing so much fun stuff,” Rose said cheerily, grabbing her backpack, and pulling out her notebook. “Here’s my list so far. Auditioning for the fall play. I joined the debate team. I’m working on the literary magazine. Joined Model UN and French Club. Oh, and I might audition for the chorus. I’ve never sung in front of people except for karaoke, but I was pretty good at that.”

Mrs. Donovan looked at her in astonishment. “Rose, that’s a wonderful list. I’m very impressed. But you have be careful not to take on too much.”

Rose felt it should be obvious that she could handle anything she took on. Was Mrs. Donovan selling her short because of her background? Odell was a clubby place, and though Rose’s father’s family were old Odellians, and Grandma had money, Rose and Bel had been raised by a single mom in modest circumstances. Compared to her classmates, with their summers filled with golf and tennis, their vacations abroad and tutors for every subject, Rose had grown up underprivileged. But she intended to keep up with the Joneses in every way, and she didn’t want Mrs. Donovan doubting her.

“Don’t worry, I’m very organized. When my mother was sick, I bought the groceries, I did the laundry and the cooking. I dealt with the doctors. I even paid the bills, with help from my grandmother. And I still got straight A’s, although admittedly, my old school was easy compared to Odell.”

Mrs. Donovan’s face softened with sympathy. “You poor thing. To be burdened like that, at your age. No wonder you’re trying to be superwoman. We have excellent therapists in the health center. You should talk to someone.”

“That’s not necessary.”

“It can help you process your grief over losing your mom.”

“I try not to dwell on things that make me sad. I put them out of my mind, and go on the best I can.”

“Everybody needs to talk things out, Rose. That reminds me. I’ve been meaning to ask about your sister.”

“My sister?”

“Yes. Is everything all right between you and Bel?”

“Everything’s fine. Why?” Rose asked, alarmed.

“I heard through the grapevine that the two of you had a falling-out.”

Damnit! Kids had been gossiping about that incident in the dining hall, and it must’ve gotten back to Mrs. Donovan. Rose had been livid about the whole incident, to the point that she hadn’t spoken to Bel since, despite Bel’s multiple attempts to apologize. This whole mess was Bel’s fault, and Mrs. Donovan needed to know that.

“There was an incident in the dining hall the first day of classes,” Rose began.

“Go on.”

“Bel . . . Well, she can be immature, and she doesn’t always have the best judgment. We were talking a minute ago about mean girls in Moreland. I’m afraid Bel’s fallen in with that crowd. Darcy Madden, and her friend Tessa, that redheaded girl. She was sitting with them at lunch, and I tried to get her to move tables. I’m worried they’ll get her into trouble.”

Mrs. Donovan looked at Rose with concern in her eyes.

“I can’t comment specifically on other students’ disciplinary history. But you’re right about that group being a problem. So that caused trouble between the two of you.”

“We haven’t spoken since,” Rose said, conveniently omitting the fact that she was the one refusing to speak to Bel, not the other way around.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Mrs. Donovan said.

“Is there anything you can do?” Rose asked.

“Do?”

“To get Bel to stop hanging out with them.”

“Well. I suppose I could ask Heath to mention it to her. He’s her advisor.”

“That would be great. I’ll be honest, if Bel gets in trouble, I’m afraid it’ll reflect badly on me.”

“Rose, you keep mentioning Bel getting in trouble. Is she doing something she shouldn’t? Something specific, not just socializing with the wrong crowd. If you’re aware that other students are breaking the rules, you’re supposed to report them. Even if it’s your sister. The Honor Code requires it. Do you understand?”

Rose thought again about the contest to seduce Mr. Donovan. Bel’s new best friend was behind it. She hoped that didn’t mean her sister was involved with it. But she didn’t have proof, and she was afraid to say anything. Not only would it be terribly awkward to bring this up with Mrs. Donovan, but Rose could wind up with a reputation as a rat. That was social suicide at Odell.

“I haven’t heard anything specific,” Rose insisted. “Nobody tells me anything because I’m known as a girl who follows the rules. I just worry about my sister.”

“I understand. I’ll ask Heath to speak to her about the company she keeps. But there’s something I need to ask of you in return.”

“Okay.”

“Make up with Bel. Talk through your differences. You two are both new here. You’ve been through a lot. You need each other. Can you do that, Rose? Please? For me?”

Rose hesitated. She was hurt and pissed off enough that she really didn’t feel like making up with her sister. Not yet. Still, she couldn’t refuse Mrs. Donovan’s request, when Mrs. Donovan represented everything that was good and kind in the world.

“I’ll try,” she said, taking another cookie. “Promise.”

10

Bel had a stalker. Zachary Cuddy from her Spanish class wouldn’t leave her alone. She’d hooked up with him the second week of school, on the night of the opening dance, and immediately realized her mistake. She’d been trying to shake him ever since, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. Zach seemed to think he owned her, even though they hadn’t done more than fool around briefly in the woods. Yet nearly every day, he’d claim the seat next to her at morning convocation, or wait for her after Spanish to escort her to her next class. Yesterday, she’d turned around in the lunch line to find Zach standing right behind her, literally breathing down her neck. She nearly screamed. She’d tried ignoring him, laughing at him, running in the opposite direction, telling him to knock it off or she’d tell a teacher—nothing worked. He’d just look at her with puppy-dog eyes and beg her to tell him what he’d done wrong, so he could fix it.

Zach was one of several mistakes in Bel’s brief Odell career that could be laid at Darcy Madden’s door. Bel did whatever it took to please Darcy, and unfortunately the things that pleased Darcy had a certain twisted quality. Yet, Darcy’s friendship cast a circle of light so bright that Bel ignored the consequences. To be inside Darcy’s circle was to be among the chosen. Most Odell kids were earnest and square, but Darcy’s friends were different. They laughed, and did wild things—bad things even—but they were bulletproof, and never suffered. Darcy and her crew hailed from old Odellian families with gobs of money. If they misbehaved, or broke rules, Mom and Dad met with the headmaster, and the kid got sentenced to counseling or, at worst, rehab. Bel had already seen this, with a girl named Mia who got suspended for alcohol the first week of school. She went home for three days, and came back smiling, with a tan, a new pair of Saint Laurent boots, and a fifth of bourbon that they drank the same night in Darcy’s room. Life in Darcy’s circle was a big joke. The terrible pressures of Odell—the crushing workload, the college-admissions race, the insane three-hundred-page code of conduct manual—vanished at the flick of Darcy’s shiny, blond hair. Bel needed to be part of that. It wasn’t the money that turned her head, or the privilege. It was the freedom from fear.

Bel didn’t stop to calculate the cost of doing Darcy’s bidding, but in the back of her mind, she knew it was adding up. Under Darcy’s influence, she’d turned her back on her sophomore classmates (a bunch of uptight bores), allowed her sister to be insulted in front of the entire dining hall (Rose was too sensitive, anyway), worn pajamas to class on a dare (so hilarious, even though she’d gotten two demerits, and four meant suspension), and snuck out of the dorm to smoke weed out at Lost Lake (so chill, though getting caught could mean expulsion). Bel felt bad about those things, and yet, she also felt good—carefree, young, and most of all, flattered to be included. Being Darcy’s pet made her somebody important, where otherwise, Odell would grind her down.

The Zach hookup happened because Darcy decreed it. Darcy worried that her boyfriend, Brandon Flynn, was paying too much attention to Bel. You’re like the new toy, Darcy had said threateningly, better watch you don’t get chewed. Bel had done nothing to encourage Brandon’s attention. She found him repugnant, actually. Husky build, sandy hair, a Frankenstein forehead, Brandon was a mouth-breathing delinquent. He was also very, very rich, his dad being a real-estate billionaire, and Darcy was very possessive of her Mr. Moneybags. She refused to believe that Bel wasn’t interested in Brandon, or that Bel was only nice to Brandon because he was Darcy’s boyfriend. That couldn’t be true, Darcy said, because Brandon was the only guy Bel gave the time of day to.

That’s when Bel let slip that there was someone else she pined for. It slipped out, and then it was too late to take it back. Bel couldn’t tell Darcy about her Mr. Donovan obsession without getting roped into their awful contest. She had to make up another boyfriend. That’s where Zach came in, in a major miscalculation.

On the night of the opening dance, the Alumni Gym was dark, stuffy and jammed wall-to-wall with kids swaying to Rihanna. Bel was milling about with Darcy and Tessa, waiting for Brandon to text them that he’d scored weed, so they could all meet up at the lake. From the corner of her eye, Bel saw Zach Cuddy heading her way, and immediately knew that he was going to ask her to dance. He’d been harassing since the first day of class. Her first instinct was to turn away and pretend not to see him, but she saw her opportunity, and caught herself.

“Hey, here comes my crush,” Bel said to Darcy.

Darcy followed Bel’s gaze. “Him? He looks like a loser.”

Zach was tall and thin, with a shock of dark hair and mild blue eyes behind professorial-looking eyeglasses. Some people might call Zach handsome, but Bel and Darcy were not among those people.

“I think he’s cute,” Bel insisted.

“Whatever, girl. It’s your coochie. Invite him to the lake if you want.”

“Uh—”

Bel didn’t want to go as far as inviting Zach to the lake. But Darcy shot her a skeptical look, and she knew she had no choice. She stepped onto the dance floor and intercepted him.

“Hey,” she said.

“Hey, I’m Zach from your Spanish class.”

“Duh, I know. Why do you think I’m talking to you?”

“Oh. Excellent. Would you do me the honor of dancing with me?”

“No.”

His face fell.

“I don’t want to dance right now,” Bel said, glancing over her shoulder to make sure Darcy was watching. “I need some air. My friends are going down to the lake. Why don’t you come?”

Zach looked over at Darcy nervously. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“Why?”

Zach hesitated, lowering his voice. “Um, when you say friends, you’re talking about Darcy Madden, right?”

“Yeah, so?”

“I’d love to hang out with you. But I’m not looking to get wasted or anything.”

“Who said anything about getting wasted?”

“It’s just, from what I hear—”

“What you hear. Do you judge people based on gossip?”

Zach looked taken aback. “No.”

“Don’t judge her, then. People just say stuff about her because they’re jealous. It’s a pretty night. Come outside with me. Please?”

Bel took Zach’s hand and gave him her sweetest smile. His eyes lit up.

The loudspeakers started making an awful screeching noise, which distracted the chaperones. Darcy and Tessa slipped out the back door, and Bel pulled Zach along, hurrying to keep up. Outside, the night was warm, lit by a fat harvest moon hanging low in the velvety sky. There was a loud sound of crickets chirping, and the smell of mulch and wet leaves, as they headed for the path into the woods. Zach’s hand trembled in hers.

“Are we seriously going to the lake? I’ve never been there at night,” he said.

“I have,” she said. “It’s gorgeous. Come on, hurry.”

Darcy and Tessa had been swallowed by the trees. Bel raced to keep up, flicking on the flashlight on her phone to light the way.

The Odell campus bordered a thousand-acre nature preserve—pristine land made up of dense forest, open fields, hilltops, valleys and babbling streams, all crisscrossed by a network of hiking trails. Lost Lake sat about a mile into the nature preserve from the border of campus. The path that led there was dark and mysterious, but with her friends in front of her and a boy by her side, Bel felt safe. More than safe, she felt happy to be alive. It was a beautiful night, and she was on a crazy adventure, with a slight edge of hysteria, as if she was high already even though she hadn’t smoked anything. That was the effect Darcy’s shenanigans had on her.

Bel stumbled on a root, giggling as Zach caught her.

“Are you okay?”

“Fine. Relax, Zach. You’re too uptight,” she said.

They didn’t talk again until they reached the wide meadow that bordered the lake. Zach caught the view across the open water, sparkling in the moonlight, and drew a sharp breath.

“See?” Bel said. “It’s worth it. C’mon.”

They headed for the wooden hikers’ lean-to that faced the lake. It had been the favorite rendezvous point for Odell kids looking to sin since time immemorial. Zach seemed to know that as well as Bel did. Or else he just smelled the pot.

“Uh, no, I can’t,” he said, stopping in his tracks.

“You don’t smoke weed?”

“Not on campus I don’t. Surest way to get caught.”

“This isn’t campus.”

“Not technically. But if you think the faculty doesn’t know about the lean-to, you’re mistaken. They raid it regularly.”

Darcy had never told Bel that, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t true. “Are you sure?” Bel asked.

“Positive. A bunch of guys from my dorm got caught drinking here last spring. They all got kicked out.”

“Wow. I had no idea.”

“Yeah, although, they were nobodies. And two of them were black. I’m not saying the school excessively punishes poor, black kids. It’s the opposite. If you’re somebody important, you get away with stuff that normal kids get punished for. Those friends of yours—I know who they are. They’re connected. Maybe you are, too. But I’m not, so I should probably go.”

Bel felt sorry for Zach. Plus, she hadn’t come this far just to turn around and leave without putting Darcy’s Brandon concerns to rest.

“We don’t have to get high,” Bel said. “Let’s just go in the woods and hook up. You can’t get expelled for that, right?”

He smiled. “I don’t know, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

“Hold on. I’m just gonna let Darcy know that we’re going someplace more private.”

She did. And they did. Their make-out session, which stopped well short of actual sex and was so forgettable to Bel, was now imprinted on Zach’s brain forever, to the point where he was making her life unbearable. She had to do something to get rid of him.

11

Rose had promised Mrs. Donovan that she would make up with her sister. But as the days passed, she couldn’t bring herself to fulfill that promise. She was still smarting from that incident in the dining hall on the first day of class, when Bel allowed one of her new best friends to humiliate Rose, and didn’t speak up in her defense. It was on Bel to apologize to Rose for that first, and then Rose would meet her halfway. Okay, Bel had tried to apologize the day after it happened. But that was too early. Anybody could see that. The wound was too fresh; Rose had cut her off and walked away. Now that more time had passed, Bel ought to understand that it was time to apologize again. This time, Rose would graciously accept her apology, and they could make up. But Bel kept her distance, and things between the sisters remained icy.

As angry as Rose was with her twin, she also missed her very much. Odell was a tough place, for all its glory. The pressure was intense, and the competition was crushing enough to pierce Rose’s healthy self-confidence. At Odell, one needed allies, and Rose didn’t make friends easily. Her pleasant rapport with Emma Kim was moving slowly toward friendship, but it would never match the history she shared with her sister. Bel wasn’t a natural soulmate for Rose; they were too different. But she was family, and nothing could change that.

On a chilly evening in early October, Rose walked back to the dorm alone. She’d left dinner early, overwhelmed by the feeling of being alone in a crowd. Emma had disappeared from the dining hall lately because she was rehearsing nonstop for the fall orchestra recital. That left Rose to navigate the Moreland sophomore table on her own. She knew she ought to try harder to make other friends, but she was too proud to put herself out there. So tonight, and too often lately, she’d ended up sitting quietly while conversation swirled around her, feeling left out.

The sharp chill in the air as she walked toward Moreland, the deep shadows cast by the setting sun, the empty paths, pressed on Rose’s heart. When she caught a glimpse of Bel in the distance, climbing the steps to Weston Library, suddenly that incident in the dining hall seemed frivolous. She couldn’t let it destroy her relationship with her only sister. If she and Bel could be friends again, Rose wouldn’t feel so lonely.

Rose hurried up the steps and onto the dramatic main floor of Weston Library, with its three-story atrium and enormous windows. Bel stood by the reference desk, talking to a boy named Zach who was in Rose’s biology class. As Rose approached, Bel actually smiled at her.

“Hey,” Bel said.

“Hey,” Rose replied, surprised at the warmth of her sister’s greeting. Bel had barely acknowledged her in weeks.

“Look, I have to go. I have plans with my sister,” Bel said to Zach.

“Rose is your sister?” he asked.

It made Rose stupid happy to realize that Zach Cuddy knew her name. He was worlds above your average Odell prepster dude, and the only boy she’d met so far who piqued her interest.

“That’s okay, I can wait,” Rose said. “Or maybe the three of us should—”

“No,” Bel said. “I need to talk to you. Now. Come on.”

She grabbed Rose by the arm and yanked her toward the front door. Rose glanced back at Zach helplessly as they exited the library.

“I’m so glad you want to talk,” Rose said, falling into step beside Bel out on the path. “I feel like we’ve been mad at each other long enough.”

The sky was nearly dark, and the yellow glow of the lampposts illuminated the paths. Bel sighed with irritation, her entire demeanor changed from how she’d been a moment earlier.

“So, you’re finally gonna forgive me? I apologized weeks ago, by the way,” Bel said, shaking her head irritably.

Her sister’s tone annoyed Rose. Bel still didn’t get how hurtful her action—or her inaction—had been.

“Put yourself in my shoes. Getting called fat on my first day of school in front of the entire dining hall. It was awful.”

“Come on, she didn’t call you fat, and practically nobody heard her.”

“Don’t minimize.”

“Look, I said I was sorry, and I am sorry. Tessa’s a bitch, but that’s not my fault.”

“If she’s such a bitch, why do you hang out with her?”

“Because she’s Darcy’s friend.”

“Why are you friends with Darcy?”

Bel whirled to face Rose. “If this is going to turn into a rant about my poor choice of friends, then we’re never gonna make up. I miss you, Rose. I want us to be closer. But you have to back off with the judgment stuff.”

“I miss you, too. I’m just worried about you. Those are, like, the most reckless kids in the school, and they’re bound to get you in trouble.”

“Maybe I don’t care.”

“How can that be? I don’t understand that.”

“We’re different, okay?” Bel said, her eyes in the lamplight sparkling with unshed tears. “You have everything figured out. I’m just trying to get through my days. Darcy makes me feel like there’s some fun left in the world, since Mom died. Can’t you understand that?”

Bel’s words hit home. Bel had been much closer to their mother than Rose had. Rose had resented their bond, and had felt left out. But Rose shouldn’t let that lingering resentment blind her to Bel’s real grief. Bel had taken their mother’s death much harder than Rose had. Rose reacted by trying to think about Mom as little as possible, and being grateful for her new life, where she could have a substitute mom like Mrs. Donovan. A better mom, really. Whereas Bel thought about their mother constantly. Rose had to admit, Bel’s reaction was the more normal one. It worried Rose sometimes, how little grief she felt. It was almost like there was something wrong with her.

“You’re right,” Rose said. “You and I experience Mom’s death differently. I take all my sadness and put it into succeeding here.”

“Is that the explanation? Because you seem so fine with everything that, sometimes, I wonder if you really loved Mom.”

Sometimes, Rose wondered that herself. But she would never admit to such a socially unacceptable emotion as not loving her own mother.

“God, what a mean thing to say,” Rose said. “That hurts. Don’t you get it? We can both feel grief, but show it differently. I’m doing my best to understand your way, and that you’re acting out—misbehaving—because of sadness. Meanwhile, instead of trying to understand me, you accuse me of not loving Mom? That’s low, Bel.”

“I’m sorry. You’re right. I need to try harder to see your perspective.”

“Thank you. I would appreciate that.”

“Let’s be friends again, okay?” Bel said.

“Yes. That’s all I want. I’ll get off your back about Darcy, too, promise.”

Bel smiled tearily. “Okay. Deal,” she said, and held her arms out.

They hugged for a long time, right there in the middle of the path. Rose had to swallow hard in order not to cry, which made her feel relieved. At least when it came to Bel, Rose still had a heart.