The Loner

Supporting her by the shoulders he looked at her sorry face, now swollen with the drink, her once pretty eyes drugged and empty, and the tears rolling down her face. And his heart broke. She looked so vulnerable, so sad, he wanted to press her to him, to hold her so tight and love her so much that she would never stray again, and for a moment, for one aching moment, he almost forgave her.

If only she would mend her ways, he thought. If only she could bea proper wife and mother, like she used to be. But she couldn’t. That woman had left them all behind long ago. ‘No, Rita.’ The sadness hardened to a kind of loathing. ‘Sure, I can’t forgive you any more.’

In that moment, when he turned from her, he felt incredibly lonely, and more lost, than he had ever been in his whole life. And yet he still loved her. He always would.

From the top of thes tairs, Davie and his grandad saw and heard everything. ‘Come away, boy’ The old man slid an arm round his grandson’s shoulders. ‘You don’t need to listen to this.’

As his father walked up the stairs, a broken man, Davie looked into his eyes. ‘You won’t really leave, will you, Dad?’ he asked. ‘You can’t leave us.’

‘I’m not leaving you, son.’ Davie was his pride and joy. The boy was conceived before Rita went bad, so he had no doubts about being the boy’s real father. Moreover, Davie had a way with him that reminded Don of his own boyhood, in his manner and his thinking, and in that certain, determined look in his eyes. Yes, this boy was his own flesh and blood, and through the bad times when Rita neglected them both, it was Davie’s strength and nearness that kept him sane.

He looked at the boy, with his shock of brown hair and his quiet dark eyes and he saw a man in the making.

Taking him by the shoulders, Don told him, ‘You must go back to bed now. In the morning, you and me are away from these parts.’ He glanced up at his father-in-law. ‘I’m sorry, Dad. I’ve tried my best. She’s your daughter. I hope to God you can talk some sense into her.’

The old man nodded. ‘And if I can…will you comeback?’

Don thought for a moment, before shaking his head. ‘No.’

Through his anguish, the older man understood, though he did not underestimate the ordeal ahead of himself.

‘No, Dad!’ Davie had never been so afraid. ‘She needs us. I’ll talk to her…I’ll make her see. She won’t do it again, I promise.’ He tried so hard to hold back the tears, but he was just a child and right then, in that moment, his whole world was falling apart.

Then, seeing how determined his father was, he clung to his grandad. ‘Don’t let him go!’ he sobbed. ‘Tell him, Grandad, tell him she’ll be good and she won’t hurt us any more. Tell him, Grandad!’

Suddenly Rita was there, shouting and yelling and going for Don with her claws outstretched. ‘You cruel bastard! So you’d leave me, would you!’ Wild-eyed and out of her mind, she went for him, hitting out, tearing into his flesh with her nails, and it was all he could do to defend himself and at the same time keep the pair of them from toppling down the stairs.

‘ENOUGH!’ Enraged, the old man threw the boy to safety, before lashing out at her with the back of his hand. ‘To hell with you! You’re no daughter of mine!’

When she stumbled and slid down the steps in an oddly graceful fashion, the boy lurched forward and ran down the steps after her. At the bottom, when he went to help her up, she threw him off. ‘LEAVE ME!’ she screamed.

Then, seeing the agony on his young face she was crippled with guilt. ‘I’m sorry, son. It was my fault, all my fault.’

Struggling with her, he managed to sit her up. ‘Where are you hurt, Mam?’ His voice trembled with fear.

Composed now, she smiled resignedly. ‘I’m not hurt. Give me a minute to get my breath.’ She chucked him under the chin. ‘He can go if he wants to. You can make your mammy a cup of tea and the two of us will talk until the sun comes up – what d’you say to that, eh?’ She didn’t tell him how her back felt as though it was broken in two, nor that her arm had bent beneath her at a comical angle, and the pain was excruciating. She felt strange. Drunk, yes. But there was something else, a frightening thing, as though all the life and fight had gone out of her in an instant.

Horrified, and riddled with guilt, Don ran down the stairs two at a time. ‘For God’s sake, Rita, are you mad?’ He stretched out his arms to help her. ‘What possessed you to start a fight at the top of the stairs like that? You could have been killed!’

Seeing her like that, he couldn’t think straight. He loved her, hated her, needed to stay yet had to leave. The look on young Davie’s face tore at his heart. Where did it all go wrong? Was it after Davie was born? Maybe she couldn’t cope when money was tight and he found it difficult to get a job? Was the badness always in her? Or did he somehow cause it? But how could he blame himself? What did he do that was so wrong? And could he really stay here now and keep his sanity? Did he still love her enough?

‘We don’t need you!’ Her spiteful voice pierced his thoughts. ‘You bugger off!’ She waved him away, angry with him, angry with herself. ‘Go, if you like, and don’t comeback. Me and Davie can do well enough without you.’

For a long moment he looked at her, at the dark, lifeless hair that long ago shone like wet coal, and the eyes that were once alive and smiling but were now dull and empty. He recalled the years of happiness they had shared. But then he thought of the many times he had given in and gone another round and each time it ended in arguments. This time had been the worst, when her own father had lashed out and sent her hurtling down the stairs.

It was no good. He knew that their lives together were over and, though it was a wicked shame and he would have done anything for it not to be so, it was time to realise that they had no future together.

‘I thought I told you to bugger off!’ She kicked out at him, gritting her teeth at the pain that shot through her.

‘All right, Rita.’ The sigh came from his boots. ‘But I’m taking the boy with me.’ He knew if he left Davie with her, their son would only be taking on a thankless responsibility, one, which even he himself could no longer cope.

‘I’m not coming with you! I’m staying with Mam!’ The boy looked up, his eyes hard and accusing. ‘If you won’t take care of her, I will’

‘No, son. She’ll only break your heart. Whatever you do, and however often you beg her to give up her bad ways, she’ll never change.’

‘She will!’ Tears stained his young face – angry, hopeless tears that tore his father’s heart wide open.

Don shook his head. ‘You’re wrong, son. She’ll carry on the same way, with the men, and the booze…and she’ll make all kinds of excuses. She’ll tell you lies until you start to believe them. She’ll shame you, make you lose all your friends, until in the end you can’t hold your head up. She’ll make you feel life isn’t worth living.’

‘NO!’ Seeking reassurance, Davie turned to his mammy. ‘You won’t, will you? You won’t tell me lies and make me ashamed?’

She shook her head. ‘No, son, I won’t do that to you.’ God forgive me, she thought. I should let him go – let them both go – and leave me to suffer the consequences. But she was weak, and frightened, and she couldn’t bear to relinquish her child.

‘And you won’t go with all the men, will you, Mam?’

‘No, son, I won’t do that ever again.’ False promises and lies! Too many lies, too often, until now she didn’t know any other way.

For a while, the household settled to an uncomfortable calm. Davie helped his mammy into the sitting room where she slumped into a chair.

The sound of Don moving to and fro, packing his case in the bedroom overhead, could be heard. There was a buzzing behind Rita’s eyes and her whole body was trembling; Davie sat holding her hand.

About a quarter of an hour after he had disappeared upstairs, Don came downstairs, carrying his case. Setting it down in the doorway, he paused to ask one more time: ‘Can you change your ways, Rita? Can you be the woman you once were?’

Some last crazy impulse made her taunt him: ‘For my son, yes. But not for you.’

He did not reply, but merely nodded. It was confirmation to him that the wife he knew was long ago lost to him. Looking at his son, he said quietly, ‘I’ll make us a good life, Davie. I want you to come with me. Will you do that for your daddy – will you?’

The boy shook his head stubbornly. Torn two ways, he knew that every word his father said about his mam was the truth. He knew how often she had lied; he sensed she was lying to him now. But still he couldn’t bring himself to leave her.

‘I have to stay here.’ His head told him one thing; his heart another. And being a child who had not yet learned the way of life, he gave the only answer he could. ‘Mam needs me.’

The man looked from the boy to the woman, and back again at the boy, who had a man’s heart, and he felt an overwhelming sense of pride. His sorry eyes went across to his father-in-law who had comedown stairs and was now hunched at the table looking as though the end of the world had come.

That was what Rita did, Don thought. She had sucked the life out of everyone here, and it was never her who paid the price. It seemed to give her some sort of twisted satisfaction. Well, as far as he was concerned, the spell that had held him captive for so long was well and truly broken.

‘Don’t blame yourself, Dad,’ he told the old man. ‘Don’t let her destroy you! Joseph, do you hear what I’m saying?’ He waited for the old man to look at him, and when he saw his quiet smile, he returned it with a nod of the head; reassured that they now understood each other.

Taking a piece of paper from his pocket, he handed it to the boy. ‘If ever you need me,’ he told Davie, ‘contact this man. I was in the Army with him. He’ll know how to find me.’

The boy took the paper and laid it on the ground. ‘I don’t want you to go,’ he whispered, his uplifted gaze like a knife in the man’s heart.

Without a word, Don flung his arms round his son. Choked with emotion, he embraced him for a long moment, before releasing him. ‘I wish to God it could be different, son. But your mam’s made her choice, and now I’ve made mine.’ He held the boy at arm’s length. ‘I don’t want to leave you behind. Please, Davie, get your things and come with me.’

The boy shook his head. ‘I can’t.’ Everything was disintegrating, and there was nothing he could do. ‘Don’t go, Dad. Please, please don’t leave us.’

Don looked at his wife and saw the angry set of her mouth, and he knew his decision was right. ‘I need to go, son,’ he answered wisely, ‘just as you need to stay.’ With her lies, she had even won over his son. May God forgive her for this, for he could not.

‘Don’t forget,’ he reminded Davie. ‘I’ll always be there for you, whenever you need me.’

For her too, he thought. Even though she had destroyed their lives, he would not cut off all ties with her. For the boy’s sake, he thought. That brave, loyal boy who truly believed his mother would keep her word.

When the door closed quietly behind him, the boy clung to his mother. ‘We don’t need him,’ she said tiredly. ‘I’ve got you now. We’ll be all right, Davie. We’ll look after each other.’

He was startled and alarmed when she had one of her sudden mood-swings. ‘Bastard!’ Grabbing the cushion from behind her, she flung it across the room. ‘He’s a wicked man, Davie. All I did was have a drink and enjoy a good time- an’ what’s wrong with that, eh? What harm was I doing?’

Dipping into her handbag, she took out her packet of Park Drive and a miniature bottle of Booth’s gin, and took a long swig from it. ‘He’ll miss me, you’ll see,’ she declared, lighting a ciggie. ‘He’ll miss his old Reet and he’ll soon be back, you mark my words.’

‘Shall I put that in the cupboard?’ Reaching for the bottle, Davie was disappointed when she snatched it out of his grasp, smacking his hand away.

‘I can’t let you do that,’ she told him. ‘I’ve had a bad shock. I need my strength.’ On seeing his downcast face she tapped him more gently on the arm. ‘Go and make your mammy a cup of tea, there’s a good boy’ She was angry – angry at her husband for leaving; angry because she was in pain and nobody cared. And she was very angry, that a boy not yet fourteen should think he could tell her what to do. ‘Go on, then. Shift yourself!’ She sucked on the cigarette and blew out a long plume of smoke.

Concerned and afraid, Davie insisted. ‘I don’t want you to have any more of that.’ He pointed to the bottle. ‘Please, Mam, let me put it away.’

‘DO AS YOU’RE BLOODY WELL TOLD!’ she screeched, lashing out with the back of her hand.

With no choice, Davie left her there and went into the kitchen, where he stood for a time by the pot sink, his fists clenched, head hanging low and his eyes closed. He felt rejected, with a deep-down sadness that was like a physical hurt. He had to ask himself, how many times had his daddy felt the same way he felt now?

In the next room, Rita remained slumped in the chair; she was hurting badly from the fall, but she didn’t want pity. She wanted her life the way it had been. With Donny gone and her father turned against her, all she had left was Davie, but he was just a boy. How could he look after her? The time was fast approaching when she would get the sack from the salon, as she kept erratic hours – and what would become of them then?

When the sadness threatened to overwhelm her, she fumed at how cruel Don had been in leaving. Then there was her father…her own flesh and blood. If Joseph had been any kind of a man, he would have given Donny a bloody good hiding. ‘You let him desert me, Dad, and I’ll never forgive you for that.’ Her shrill voice sailed through to the kitchen where he was now leaning against the pot sink, his pained eyes staring out at the long dawn.

Still a strong, capable man, despite long years in the foundry, and a heart battered by bad memories, the old man heard her relentless abuse and knew exactly how he had spawned such a degraded creature. She was made from the same mould as her mother.

Moving to sit by the kitchen fire, and adding a bit of coal to it, he ran his hands through his thinning hair, trying hard to turn a deaf ear to his daughter’s rantings. His son-in-law’s departure had cut Joseph to the quick. Yet it only reinforced his belief that what he was about to do had to be done – because if he relented now, she would be the death of him – and what of the boy? Someone had to give her a jolt – make her realise what she was doing, get her off the road she was travelling. Sometimes you had to be cruel to be kind, and that was the way of it.

She’ll blame everybody else, like she always does, he thought crossly. She’s done the damage to herself and torn this family apart, and God help us, she still hasn’t learned. His mind flew to his wife, dead of TB these ten years, and although he still grieved for her, his life was peaceful now, after long years of torment due to her faithless ways.

His mind was made up. No one else should have to suffer like that. Davie would come off worst…that fine young lad who would love his mother whatever she did. Good or bad, he would only ever see Rita as his adored mammy.

In the next room, the vicious tirade was unending. The whole world was against her, Rita raved. Her father was bloody useless and besides, he had always been a thorn in her side, lecturing her about the rights and wrongs of parenthood, and how she should be a better wife and think of others. What a bloody cheek – when he himself had been unable to control his own wife, who used to disappear for weeks at a time with her latest boyfriend. Rita had hated and loved her mother in equal measure.

For one dizzy moment, Rita thought she could smell her mother’s perfume – Attar of Roses – mixed with something far more heady, a scent that the girl later recognised as gin, now her own favourite tipple.

Thinking of her mother now filled her with rage. ‘GO ON, THEN!’ she bellowed. ‘YOU CAN ALL CLEAR OFF – AND SEE IF I CARE!’ Taking hold of the poker, she smashed it into the grate. Then the bottle was thrown, spilling its contents across the half-moon rug. Struggling to her feet and sobbing with the effort, she clung to the standard lamp.

Laughing wildly now, she saw the boy watching her, white with fear. When he darted forward to take hold of her, she drew back her hand and slapped him hard across the mouth, gasping when the blood trickled down the side of his chin. And oh, the way he was looking at her…as though she was the Devil incarnate. Taking the heavy poker, she laid into the mantel-piece, sending the clock and ornaments shattering across the floor.

Then she was crying. ‘I’m sorry, son,’ she gabbled. ‘It’s the drink and whose fault is that, eh? Your dad’s left me and you know I didn’t deserve that.’ She swayed, her hand at her mouth, feeling sick as a dog.

‘I want you out of this house.’

Joseph had come into the room and had witnessed everything.

‘What? You can’t do that!’ Fear marbled her voice. ‘Look, Dad, I’m sorry. It was an accident. I’ve always had a temper, you know that. I’ll put it right. I won’t do it again. Look, here!’ Reaching into her purse, she shook out a handful of silver coins. ‘I’ve got money, I’ll get you some new ornaments and—’

‘I want nothing from you!’ The old man stood tall. ‘I don’t care about the damned ornament, but you can never replace that clock. It was precious to me – a gift from your mother – all I had left of her.’ His gaze fell to the money in her hand. ‘Earn that, did you?’ His voice thickened with disgust. ‘Half an hour in the alley, was it? Well, you can keep your filthy money, you trollop, because I don’t want it. What I want is you, out of this house…NOW!’

‘But Grandad!’ The boy came once more to her defence. ‘Mam’s already said she won’t do it again.’ Inside he was in turmoil, but he had to be strong for her.

Seeing Davie’s downcast face, and knowing how he must be hurting, the old man said kindly, ‘Not you, son. I don’t want you gone from here. It’s her I want out of my house. She’s had her chances time and again, and each time she’s promised to change her ways.’ He slowly shook his head. ‘It’s like your grandmother, all over again. My Marie was just the same, God rest her soul. You see, my boy, I just can’t go through it all again. We’ve allus given in, but not this time. I’m too old and tired to take it any more. It’ll be the death of me.’

‘But you can’t send her away!’ The boy panicked. ‘Where will she go?’

‘Back to the streets where she belongs.’

‘That’s fine.’ Rita struggled to stand. Holding on to the back of the chair, she told them both, ‘I’m a proud woman, and I don’t stay where I’m not wanted. Help me, Davie. I know where we can go, me and you. We don’t need this hovel. We can do better, you and me!’

‘Not you, Davie!’ Just as Don had pleaded with Davie, so now did the old man. ‘She’s not worth it. Let her go and find her own sort. You stay here.’ He lowered his voice. ‘Please, Davie, don’t go with her. Stay here, with me.’ Truth was, at this moment in time, he needed the boy more than ever.

But the boy’s answer was the same as before. ‘I can’t leave her, she’s my mam. We’ll take care of each other.’

‘So, you mean to desert me as well, do you?’

‘I have to look after her.’

‘No, Davie!’ Somehow, he had to stop the boy from going. ‘You’re not listening to what I’m saying. Your father tried to warn you, and now I’m begging you…don’t go with her. She’ll take you down the road to ruin. Stay herewith me… please.’

The boy was steadfast. ‘No, Grandad. She needs me.’

‘What? And you don’t think I need you?’

The boy shook his head. ‘Not as much as Mam does.’

‘Right!’ Desperation heightened to anger. ‘Go on then! If that’s what you want, you can bugger off the pair of you, out of my house and out of my life. And I pray to God I never see either of you again!’

For a long, shocked moment, the boy looked him in the eye, not wanting to believe what he’d just heard.

‘Come on, sweetheart.’ Rita stubbed out her cigarette and tugged at his sleeve. ‘We don’t need him. We don’t need anybody. You and me, we’ll be fine on our own.’

The old man lingered a moment longer, silently pleading with Davie to see sense and change his mind. But he knew how loyal the boy was, and he had seen how his father leaving had made him all the more protective of his mother. And he realised he had lost to her, yet again.

Without a word, he went upstairs, where he sat on the edge of his bed, saddened at what his own daughter had become, and worried about Davie: there was no telling where Rita might take him. God only knew where it would all end.

A few minutes later, Davie came upstairs to collect a few things. He paused at the old man’s door. ‘I’m sorry, Grandad,’ he said.

But there was no forgiveness in the old man’s heart, only fear for the boy, and hatred for his daughter. ‘Go away,’ he grunted.

‘I don’t want to leave like this.’

For a fleeting moment, the old man almost relented; for the boy’s sake, perhaps he should give her another chance. But how many chances would she need before she saw what she was doing to herself and others? No! The mixture of old and new anger was still burning, and he deliberately turned away, his heart like a lead weight inside him.

After a while he heard the boy move away, heard his footsteps dragging down the stairs – and it was all he could do not to go after him and catch him in his arms and tell him they would have a home here for as long as they wanted.

But he had been through it all so many times with her, just as he had with her mother, and each time she sank deeper into the swamp. Then there was the gossip and the sly looks in the street. You couldn’t go on like it, and she wouldn’t change her ways. Why couldn’t Davie see her for what she was?

The slam of the front door shattered his thoughts. Slowly and heavily, he went downstairs to the front room and looked out of the window. As he watched them go down the street, his daughter limping – from the drink, he assumed – he could hardly see them for the tears scalding his eyes. ‘Look at you,’ he murmured. ‘A mere scrap of a lad, and yet you take it all in your stride.’

He saw how the woman leaned her weight on the boy, and how he took it, like the little man he was. ‘God help you, Davie,’ he muttered. ‘She’ll use you and then she’ll desert you.’

He was bone-tired, and his heart full of sorrow.

When they were out of sight, he left the window and went back to sit down, holding the broken bits of the clock, the tears he’d managed to hold back now flowing down his face. It was all such a mess. What a dreadful night’s work this had been. ‘I’m sorry, Davie. I had to send her away,’ he whispered.

‘I’ve don emy best, but I’m too old and frail to put up with her bad ways.’

He glanced out at the waking skies and he prayed. ‘Dear God, keep them both safe. Let her realise the harm she’s done. And keep young Davie under Your divine protection.’ He hoped the Almighty was listening.

The rage inside him was easing and now, with the coming of the dawn, there was another feeling, a sense of horror and shame. What in God’s name had he been thinking of, to do such a terrible thing?

Suddenly he was out of the front door and shouting for them to come back. ‘We’ll give it another go! We’ll work at it! We’ll try again!’ His lonely voice echoed along the early-morning street.

He paused to get his breath, then he hurried up to the top of Derwent Street and round the corner, and he called yet again, but the pair were gone, out of sight, out of his life, just as he’d ordered them to do. And it was more than he could bear.