The Narcissist Test: How to spot outsized egos ... and the surprising things we can learn from them

People like Sandy worry so deeply about seeming needy or selfish that it’s often difficult for them to recognize they have any needs at all. It’s also exhausting working so hard to expect nothing at all, which is why people at this end of the spectrum can lapse into confusing bouts of sadness. They feel depleted, but what they need to replenish themselves is buried so deep they’re not even sure how to ask for it.

The most common feature of echoists is a deep dread of becoming narcissistic in any way. They’re constantly on guard for any signs of selfishness or arrogance in themselves, so much so that they can’t even enjoy being doted upon. Their vigilance comes with a steep price. People feel closer to us when we allow ourselves to become a gleam in their eye. Enjoying our moments on the pedestal elevates not just us, but also those we love.

Life at 9: Self-Serving

Gary, 24, single, is a business school student who was referred to me by his dean, an old friend of his parents, who’d grown concerned and irate about his absences from class.

“I’ve got bigger fish to fry than going to class,” Gary told me, smiling broadly. “I’m starting up a company with a friend. We got the idea one night when we’d been drinking for hours. But it’s a great plan.” He’d arrived ten minutes late to my office, but didn’t seem the least bit contrite about being tardy. “Just came from an investor meeting,” he’d explained, grasping my hand firmly in greeting.

“Terrific,” I responded. “Congrats.”

“I know how to sell myself,” he said, shrugging. “It’s what I do.”

I could see what he meant. Sitting in a classic power position—arms clasped behind his neck, elbows out—he looked more like a business executive than a student. He dressed the part, too—a sleek navy blue suit, gleaming leather shoes, a red-and-blue striped tie.

“Are you any good at this?” he asked. “I don’t have much time to waste.”

“Guess we’ll find out,” I said, feeling sure he’d already decided. “As I understand it, you might get kicked out because you’ve missed so many papers and assignments.”

“Dean tell you that?” he shot back, snidely. He leaned back, crossing his arms. “Listen, they have to keep me in school. I might be the best thing that’s happened to them in a while. The least they can do is try to hold on to me. If they don’t, they’ll see what a mistake they’ve made when my idea takes off and I make a killing.”

“You can appreciate the dean’s position, though?” I asked, curious if he had any perspective on how much jeopardy he’d placed himself in.

“I can talk my parents into anything,” he assured me. “I can talk pretty much anyone into anything,” he added. “They’ll convince him just like they did before.” He combed his fingers though his hair. “People are making a big deal out of nothing. I can crank out the rest of my work, no problem.”

“What made you decide to come to see me?” I asked. “You didn’t have to.”

“I figured you just need to give me a clean bill of health,” he answered matter-of-factly.

“Ah,” I said. “It doesn’t quite work that way, unfortunately. We need”—here he cut me off.

“Look,” he said, “I get that I have to convince the dean’s bosses. That’s why my parents are paying for this. If you can’t help me, I’m sure I can find someone else to get the job done.” He started getting up to leave.

“You can leave,” I said. “But part of the problem is you don’t think you need anyone’s help. You’ve got a lot of talent and ambition, which is fantastic. But you can’t rely on that alone to carry you. If that worked, you wouldn’t be sitting across from me now. And the dean wouldn’t be meeting with the school next Monday about whether or not this is your last semester there.”

That seemed to get his attention. He sat back down.

This is the face of narcissism we all know and loathe: arrogant, entitled—at times frightening. People at 9, extreme narcissists, often think themselves above normal rules and expectations. Whatever they’re paid, it’s not enough. Whatever wrongs they commit against others, they’re explained away. It never occurred to Gary for an instant that he might really be kicked out. Mysteriously, he believed that the university needed him far more than he needed it. He was convinced that his talent as an entrepreneur would save him.

People who live at 9 or 10 cling to their special status for dear life. Their belief that they’re somehow above the rest of us mere mortals might even reach delusional levels, as it did for Gary, who honestly felt that he could do whatever he wanted and still remain in school. This sense of being a “special exception” also explains many other characteristics of people who live on the far right—becoming angry at the smallest slights, willing to do whatever it takes to get what they want, seeing other people as extensions of themselves.

Extreme narcissism blinds people to the feelings of others. That’s one of the reasons we find it so unpleasant to be around people at this high end of the scale. The men and women who live near 10 are too preoccupied with their own need to be recognized and rewarded to consider the needs of other people.

Gary’s parents had been on the phone with him nightly for a week, urging him to seek help. “I’m at my wit’s end,” his mother had said, in a tearful message left on my voice mail. Gary shrugged it off. “She gets that way.” The dean had been a staunch defender, despite Gary’s blithe attitude about his imminent expulsion. He’d known Gary since he was a toddler and clearly thought of him as a son. The whole situation had obviously been taking its toll—the dean sounded exhausted in his messages. But Gary seemed oblivious to just how anxious he’d made everyone around him, especially those who cared about him. “The dean’s as big a worrier as my mom.”

Those on the far right tend to regard others as tools for their personal use. Gary treated me, from the start, like a simple-minded servant. He quickly turned on me when I told him I couldn’t just write a letter telling the administration he was fine.

Gary also had no insight into his problems. When feeling special becomes an addiction, there’s no room to acknowledge flaws, no matter how obvious they are to everyone else. People like Gary are notoriously bad partners and friends. Their lack of empathy hobbles them relationally, leading to frequent lies and infidelity. But people who live around 9 don’t see it. In fact, ask them if they’re comfortable with deeper intimacy, capable of sharing sadness and loneliness with those they care about, and they’ll often say they’re good at that, too. They have such little self-awareness they can’t even recognize the limits of their ability to love.

Life at 5: Self-Assured

Lisa, 41, married, Asian American, is the executive director of a nonprofit that serves the local Asian community. She came to me after her mother died from a massive stroke. “She didn’t even make it to the hospital,” Lisa told me in our initial phone call. “I’ve been different lately, a little off my game, so I thought I should speak to you.”

When I met Lisa in the waiting room, she was chatting with another therapist’s client (I’m in a suite of offices with other therapists). I’d seen this other woman before, but I’d never seen her speak to anyone. She usually sat quietly, reading a magazine or scrolling through her smartphone. Today she was smiling.

“Nice meeting you,” said Lisa, as she waved goodbye to the woman. And I could tell she meant it.

I led Lisa down the hall. Before she sat, she smoothed out her skirt—navy blue and business length, with a matching suit jacket—and adjusted her ponytail. “I’m a big believer in staying on top of things. I don’t want this—whatever this is—to get out of hand.”

Since her mother’s death, Lisa had thrown herself into a bunch of new projects. She was so tightly scheduled she barely had time to think. “I’m always on the go,” she said. “But I’m really pushing myself these days.”

Lisa, who had successfully launched a number of programs for the homeless and elderly, was something of a local celebrity. She had myriad political connections, from alderman to senators, and made frequent TV appearances. “Most people hate all the media work, but I love making speeches or being on camera. I feel so alive then. I’m kind of a ham, anyway. I used to be an actress.” She’d hit the stage as a toddler and continued acting in plays and musicals through high school. “I adore applause.”

“But lately it feels like too much?” I asked.

“Isn’t it?” she asked, and took a deep breath. “How do you know when it’s healthy—all this chasing after success? All these big dreams?” I could tell she’d gotten to the heart of what had been eating at her. She visibly relaxed once she’d said it, her eyes glistening.

“You’ve been more driven than usual these days, since losing your mother. We can work on that. But the joy you take in dreaming big hasn’t just made you happy—it’s made others happy, too,” I said. “I’d say that’s the definition of health.”

At the heart of healthy narcissism is the capacity to love and be loved on a grand scale. People who live in the center of the spectrum don’t always take to the stage, but when they do, they often lift others up with them.

Lisa embodied many of the traits of healthy, centered narcissism. Her grief had driven her into the public eye a little more than usual, but she had enough self-awareness to realize something was wrong. People who live in the center know when their grandiosity is getting the better of them. They know when they’re getting too caught up in themselves. Lisa’s delight in feeling special never blinded her to how other people felt. Her main concern came down to her husband, Doug. She worried he’d become lonely—and he probably had.

“I found him in front of the TV the other day,” Lisa admitted, “and he was looking pretty down. I’d been up all night working on a project and hadn’t come home.”

That prompted a long conversation in which Doug admitted to Lisa that he felt she’d been too self-involved lately.

“He told me all I talk about is work,” she explained. “And he’s right.”

Lisa’s ambition had ratcheted up to high gear. She’d regale Doug with the intricacies of her latest project and how much she’d impressed the clients. She’d surge into a monologue, her voice charged with excitement, as she brought him up to speed on her latest, grand vision to fix the homeless shelter.

“He was feeling totally unimportant,” she said. “I knew I had to fix that. The last thing I want is for Doug to feel like he doesn’t matter to me.”

“So what did you do?” I asked.

“I told him I’d been selfish and would make it up to him,” she said, smiling. “I stayed home the next night and cooked us dinner.”

Lisa displayed other features typical of people around 5 on the spectrum. She drew inspiration from her grand ideas. She’d become a creative leader in her field, rallying supporters even in the political arena. Her dreams pushed her to achieve and rise above an ordinary life but she never used them to make people feel beneath her. If anything, people felt important in her presence, as if they brought value simply by being who they were. Lisa made the quiet woman in the waiting room light up.

That’s a sure sign you’re with someone in the middle of the spectrum—they bring out the best in everyone.

Interestingly, they’re not an especially modest bunch. They don’t need to brag or boast or show off to feel good about themselves, but they’re not bashful about their talents either. Lisa, for example, met her husband at a nightclub and she’d approached him. She slipped up beside him, brushed his shoulder, and after a few minute of flirting, invited him onto the dance floor. “Come on,” she’d said. “I’m a great dancer—promise.”

And she was.

Now you’ve met people along the whole range of the spectrum, from extreme echoists to extreme narcissists. And you can see that narcissism has many faces, both healthy and unhealthy. No doubt at this point you’re wondering: Where do I fall on this spectrum? You may already have some sense just from reading and relating to these stories, but you can get an even better idea by completing the Narcissism Test.

4

The Narcissism Test

How Narcissistic Are You?

Before you grab your pen and flip to the test—I know you’re itching to—you should know a few things.

First, don’t expect to fly through this test. It’s not like one of those quizzes you’ll find in popular magazines. As you’ve seen, narcissism is far more complicated than most people think, which means that any test worth its salt is bound to require a little work. It’ll be worth the extra effort, however; you’ll learn a lot about yourself by the end. You might even be surprised.

Also, this test is not like others designed by psychologists to measure narcissism. Most surveys start with the assumption that any narcissism is bad. Answer “True” to “I like looking at my body” or “I am assertive,” and your narcissism score begins to grow. Say “True” enough times, and you’ll score high enough to be a “narcissist.” But there’s obviously nothing harmful or destructive about feeling confident about your body or being assertive. And it certainly indicates a lack of healthy narcissism when someone freely admits they’re nothing special.

The big failing in present measures of narcissism is their singular focus on the right—mostly the far right—side of the spectrum. What’s more, no other test captures the deficits in healthy narcissism, on the left side of the scale. To address these shortfalls, I and my colleagues, Dr. Stuart Quirk, professor of psychology at Central Michigan University and doctoral candidate Shannon Martin, created a new assessment tool called the Narcissism Spectrum Scale (NSS). To ensure its accuracy, we’ve collected data from several hundred people, young and old, male and female, rich and poor, from all around the world, for a far more representative sampling than the typical college study.

The original NSS consists of 39 questions. To make it easier for people to take on their own, we’ve narrowed it down to 30 items and simplified the scoring system, which you’ll find at the end of the quiz. We call this abbreviated version of the NSS the Narcissism Test. (For more information on the development of the NSS and the preliminary research supporting it, see the references at the end of the book.)

Go ahead now. Get out your pen and get to it. If you’re feeling especially brave, and want to get a really clear idea of where you fall on the spectrum, give the measure to a close friend or your partner and ask them to rate you. Other people often see us far more clearly than we see ourselves.

The Narcissism Test

On a scale of 1 to 5, indicate how much you agree or disagree with each item, using the guide below.

1 2 3 4 5 strongly disagree disagree neutral agree strongly agree 1. Compliments make me uncomfortable. ______ 2. It irritates me when someone gets ahead by being the star. ______ 3. I’ve missed out on opportunities because I was uncomfortable nominating myself (e.g., for promotion or leadership position). ______ 4. Sometimes I won’t state my ideas because someone else’s will be better. ______ 5. I often defer to other people’s opinions. ______ 6. I worry about how other people think and feel about me. ______ 7. I’m not sure what I want or need in relationships. ______ 8. When people ask me my preferences, I’m often at a loss. ______ 9. I blame myself whenever things go badly in a relationship. ______ 10. I apologize a lot. ______ 11. I’m self-confident, but caring. ______ 12. I press on, even when tasks are challenging. ______ 13. I take more pride in my achievements when I have to work hard for them. ______ 14. I can recognize my limitations without feeling bad about myself. ______ 15. I’m happy to acknowledge my faults if it improves a situation. ______ 16. I believe both partners contribute to the success or failure of a relationship. ______ 17. I can rein myself in when people tell me I’m getting a big head. ______ 18. I like to dream big but not at the expense of my relationships. ______ 19. I’ll take giving over receiving any day. ______ 20. Despite setbacks, I believe in myself. ______ 21. *I find it easy to manipulate people. ______ 22. *I insist on getting the respect that’s due me. ______ 23. *I expect a great deal from other people. ______ 24. *I’ll never be satisfied until I get all that I deserve. ______ 25. I secretly believe I’m better than most people. ______ 26. I get extremely angry when criticized. ______ 27. *I get upset when people don’t notice how I look in public. ______ 28. *I’m apt to show off if I get the chance. ______ 29. *I have a strong will to power. ______ 30. I’m great at a lot of things compared to most people. ______

* © 1987 American Psychological Association. Adapted with permission from Emmons, R. A. (1987). Narcissism: Theory and measurement. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(1), 11–17. Further reproduction/distribution prohibited without written permission of APA.

Narcissism Deficits (ND):

Add items 1–10 and enter your score here: ______

Healthy Narcissism (HN):

Add items 11–20 and enter your score here: ______

Extreme Narcissism (EN):

Add items 21–30 and enter your score here: ______

Understanding Your Score

The scale breaks down into three “factors.” Think of these like three large piles the items fall into mathematically. All three are related to narcissism (or the lack of it). But they predict dramatically different patterns of behavior. Each factor is also a rough indicator of different positions on the spectrum.

As you can tell by the name of each score, the first total represents your placement on the left the spectrum, the second reflects your tendency toward the center (or healthy narcissism), and the third gives you a rough sense of how far you are to the right.

As you can also probably tell, the only factor it’s good to score high on is healthy narcissism. That’s because we designed the scale to mirror the spectrum. It’s the extremes (too little and too much narcissism) that cause all the trouble.

Here’s a quick guide to what your scores mean.

The Narcissism Spectrum

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