The Last Year Of Being Single

What shall I wear? What do you wear for someone who looks right through your clothes anyway? What’s the value of buying clothes when they don’t notice what you’ve got on? Knickers are another complete waste of time and material. If the sex is good they’re ripped off——even if they are La Perla—so it’s best just to go with the M&S thong. Or something rippable that doesn’t take half your thigh with it. Stockings and suspenders are too obvious. Trying too hard. And for women with huge cellulitey thighs who have to make them look sexy somewhere. If you’ve got good legs you don’t need to fuss and truss them up. They look great naked.

So I’m wearing trousers. Suede hipsters. Joseph, half price in the sale. With hippy belt. Local shop—Blue Lawn—where everything looks good on me. No sales, but ten per cent off coz I buy so much there. Blouse. Blue Lawn. Semi-translucent. Same ten per cent. No bra. Knickers M&S, soft cotton. £4.99. White. Cut across the cheek. No stockings, suspenders.

Showered with lots of oil. Aromatherapy. Mix of orange and ylang ylang and patchouli. With a touch of lavender. On all the pressure points. Behind the ears, knees, elbows, ankles. Back of shoulders, front of shoulders. In between breasts. Round belly button. Basically anywhere I want him to kiss. Touch. Stroke. I digress.

Shower. Oil. Clothes on. Send text message:

Message sent:

I will be ready for you at 6pm. Where do you want to meet?

No answer. Wait ten mins. Still no answer. Have meetings. About three—back to back. So busy. Everyone remarks how nice I smell, look. Do I fancy a drink? No, thank you. Are you meeting anyone tonight? No, why? Coz you smell, look nice. Etc etc.

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