The bitterness was entrenched in Granger’s words. Shovelled on like tar on a highway. ‘Try you? Yeah? Is that what you want? Well let’s see. You want to talk about responsibility, then why don’t we talk about just that. Let’s talk about my daughter, Ellie, and let’s talk about why you actually went to Eritrea and how it’s connected. And why when I’d given someone else the job, and I’d specifically told you not to go there, you still did.’

Cooper crashed into silence. Span there fast. Stared ahead, not seeing Levi’s concerned expression. Not seeing Maddie’s unease. All he could see was the moment. All he could hear was Ellie shouting his name. All he…

Jesus… No… No… He shook himself both physically and mentally out of the mesmeric memory. He wasn’t going to go there for anyone. Couldn’t go there. He stared at Granger, then looked at Levi and felt the strain in his chest. He touched his back pocket of his blue jeans feeling the blister packet of pills. Somehow comforting.

‘Granger, what are you talking about?’

Dax Granger swung round. ‘Hasn’t he told you Maddison?’

‘Tom, what’s he talking about?’

Granger pushed. And hard. ‘Tell them, Cooper. Tell them what this is all about.’

‘It’s not about anything. I just thought I’d be better doing the job than the other guy.’

‘Without consulting me?’

Cooper said, ‘Yeah.’

Granger, not intrinsically cruel but beyond angry, pushed again. Tone bitter. ‘Oh come on, Cooper, don’t give me that. That’s not how things work. You and I both know why this is happening again, why you’ve decided to throw away everything you’ve built over the past few years. Come on, tell your wife why. Surely she deserves to know doesn’t she?’

‘Shut up, Granger.’

‘Why can’t you be like the rest of us, hey? Having to deal with things even though we don’t want to. You don’t see me reaching for the funny pills or running amok or putting my wife and friend in jeopardy! But then, you know what I think. I think it’s all just one big excuse to be that prize jackass which is always bursting to get out of you… Go on, tell them. Tell them why you’ve begun to search again.’

Cooper knew he sounded like a broken man. ‘Please, Granger, don’t do this.’

Maddie’s face was a picture of anguish and pain and hurt. ‘Will someone tell me what the hell this is about?’

‘You want to tell her?’

Cooper spoke in a controlled whisper. A mixture of pain and steely resolve.

‘Leave it. Okay…? Just leave it. You don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ll give you anything, Granger. But I can’t give you that… So yeah, you’re right. I can’t deal with it. I can’t talk about your daughter.’

Going straight across to the cooler in the kitchen of Onyx, Cooper took out a small carton of juice which he drank down thirstily. Threw a non-alc beer to Levi.

He felt as refreshed as he could after taking an ice cold shower which, after the showdown with Granger, was much needed. He’d put on clean clothes. His usual attire of jeans and a gray marl long sleeved top. Splashed some of Granger’s aftershave on and combed his hair and brushed his teeth and checked his hair again and then finally took a pill. Xanax. Just to get him through. Then he’d taken another one. Just to make sure.

‘You okay?’ asked Levi.

‘Yep.’

‘You wanna talk?’

‘Nope.’

‘Was Granger right? You been having to take some pills again?’

Cooper didn’t bother answering. Wondered if it was because he didn’t want to lie.

‘You were bad on them before, Coop… Have the flashbacks come back? You not sleeping again? Is the old injury playing up? You think you need to go and see that shrink again? I mean, I could come with you and all. And if…’

‘If what?’

‘Well, if you need me, I’m here.’

Cooper shrugged. ‘I’m fine. But thanks.’

Levi gave him that look. The look that said he didn’t quite believe him, but he carried on talking anyway. ‘Dorothy wants to see you. She wants you to come to dinner on Sunday… maybe you could bring somebody…’ He paused, before twisting his hands like a kid does. Innocence was sure as hell being feigned. ‘… Maybe Maddie? Maybe it would be good for you two just to sit down and talk? You know, on neutral ground.’

Cooper raised his eyebrows, shooting Levi a warning glance not to go there. He grabbed another juice. Headed to the office he shared with the others without saying another word.

Walking out into the familiar cream and orange hallway filled with photos of various planes and boats always made Cooper feel he’d stepped back into the seventies. It got him every time. He didn’t mind, hell he could live with anything, but Maddie, she’d whined like a tomcat. She’d campaigned to Granger to get it changed, even bringing in samples and color charts. But each time it came to the place being re-decorated, Granger would select the same old colors and same old photos and Maddie’s complaints would start all over again.

‘Tom.’

Cooper turned round. Readying himself for the showdown. Justified. Inevitable.

‘Whatever it is you’re going to say, Maddie, you’re right and I’m sorry but everyone now thinks you’ve left me, so it’s kind of a bit awkward explaining you haven’t.’

‘What are you talking about? You think I didn’t mean it? What is wrong with you? Are you really that arrogant, or is it you just don’t care enough to see and believe how I feel?’

‘Look, I’ll take Cora out for some ice-cream, make up for missing her birthday party.’

It was a mix between a laugh and a snort but he got it. The derision was coming hard and fast. Straight his way.

‘You really don’t get it do you? It’s over. I’m not coming back. I can’t.’

A punch in the stomach would’ve been preferable. ‘And Cora? How do you think it’s going to affect her me not being around?’

‘Tom, you’re never around anyway… You don’t deserve that little girl, but for some unknown reason she idolizes you. Only thing she talks about. Well, you and Mr. Crawley.’

‘Mr. Crawley?’

‘Her caterpillar. I think it’s dead but you know Cora, she’s insisting on keeping it in a cookie jar… Anyway, look, I don’t want to talk about Mr. Crawley. I just want to know in what universe do you think a scoop of Rocky Road is going to make up for letting her down on her birthday?’

The pounding throb above Cooper’s eyes sent pain waves down the bridge of his nose. Like a jackhammer breaking through granite stone. He knew what it was. Good old fashioned stress. ‘She can be the judge of that.’

‘She’s just a little girl, Tom.’

‘I know what she is… Listen, I was wrong, I should’ve showed up.’

‘Yes you should, but there’s nothing you can do about that now. But you can tell me about Granger. What was he talking about? What was he trying to get you to say?’

Partly to stall for time and find some plausibility, because Maddie was like kryptonite when it came to annihilating his bullshit, and partly because he had a damn crick at the base of his neck, he shrugged. ‘Who knows, Granger makes his own rules up as he goes along.’

‘Don’t lie to me Tom. I’m not stupid.’

Cornered, Cooper did what he was certain felt like second nature to most men: changed the subject. Spun it the hell round. Put the heat on her instead.

‘Look, Maddie, do you think this is going to work? Us. Here. Together like this. Is this how it’s going to be from now on?’

By Cooper’s reckoning it was at least twenty-five seconds before Maddie spoke, give or take the last three seconds which she spent cutting her eyes at him.

‘Seriously? You of all people ask me that? In case it escaped your notice I’m not just a wife. I’m a mom. I’m a damn good pilot and investigator. I’ve got over fifteen years of military experience behind me, and I work hard at my job. So if you think for one moment that just because you and I aren’t together any longer I’ll suddenly fall apart, become neurotic, unreliable and unprofessional, and bring my home life to work… If that’s what you think, Tom, then you don’t know women at all.’

Grateful to get away from any more conversation, Cooper headed to the office, musing and bitching and ruminating on how, in hindsight, life inside the Eritrean prison seemed so much less stressful than coming back home. He stopped short of the doorway.

‘Well, I’ll be damned. If it ain’t Thomas J. Cooper!’ Austin Rosedale Young sat back in the brown leather chair, his feet clad in a pair of garish blue cowboy boots to match his sky blue suit and shirt and tie. His strong Texan accent and over-tanned skin, along with his visibly dyed black hair, gave out an inaccurate, foppish impression. The truth, though, was that Austin Rosedale Young was at one time America’s top sniper. A natural born killer. A man who’d earned almost mythical status amongst his fellow SEALS.

Cooper spoke. Just. Not really wanting to hear the answer from his one-time nemesis. Not really wanting to hear anything from the man at all. ‘What the hell are you doing here?’

Young, or Rosedale as he liked to be called, opened his arms in an exuberant manner. Chewed on the oversized, unlit cigar as he delighted in telling him exactly that.

‘I thought they would’ve told you, Thomas. I work here now. Retirement just doesn’t suit me.’

Cooper said nothing. He’d known Rosedale for a long time. Too long. Their paths had met on several occasions, working together several years ago.

When Rosedale had left the Navy, he’d gone to work in the Central Intelligence Agency, employed in their Clandestine Service. It was the front-line source of clandestine information on critical international developments, working on everything from terrorism, weapons of mass destruction, to military and political issues which challenged the deepest resources of personal intelligence, self-reliance and responsibility. And Austin Rosedale Young had been what they called the perfect candidate.

Cooper blew out his cheeks and moved over to the far side of the office. Threw his empty juice carton with an overhead shot in the bin. Hole in one. Turned to look at Rosedale. And even though the guy’s elaborate and crazy screwball ways covered the fact he was a highly intelligent, highly skilled, ruthless individual, Cooper had no intention of working with him again. Ever. He also had no intention of letting him sit at his desk. ‘That’s my desk, Rosedale… Move.’

‘Not any more it isn’t, sugar.’

Cooper moved nearer. Much nearer. So near he could feel the heat rising from Rosedale’s skin and smell the mix of cigar and toothpaste and a cologne which should’ve been left on the shelf. ‘I repeat, that’s my desk.’

Rosedale picked up the brass name plate from the desk. He read it out, his Texan drawl flavoring the mockery. ‘Thomas J. Cooper… Now tell me, Thomas, I’ve forgotten, what does the J stand for?’

‘Put that the hell down… Now.’

Rosedale swept his feet off the desk and leant forward, his face lighting up. ‘Hell no, Thomas, I’m sensing something here… Tell me what the J stands for.’

The scorn for the man, Cooper felt it right to the heart of him. ‘You’re not sensing anything Rosedale, you’re just being a jackass. So I’ll tell you again. Leave it.’

‘And what if I don’t, Thomas J? What exactly are you going to do about it?’

‘You sound like a kid, Rosedale. Why don’t you just leave it like he asked you to?’

Maddie, who’d just come in to the office, walked up to Rosedale, snatching the brass name plate out of his hands.

Rosedale grinned. ‘Now that ain’t a nice thing to do, Miss Maddison.’

Maddie looked at him with disdain. ‘Grow up.’

Winking at her, Rosedale sprang his six foot five body from the chair, standing tall on another two inches of cowboy boot. He smiled down at Cooper who didn’t bother meeting his stare.

‘I’m one of the few men you gotta look up to hey, Thomas?’

‘Go to hell.’

‘Not until you tell me what the J is for.’

‘Drop it Rosedale. Just let it go.’

‘Oh, you mean like you let things go? There’s a funny thing. You of all people telling me to let something go.’

Cooper breathed deeply. Stared down at the floor. Watched the tiny spider disappear under the door. Let the seconds tick by. Then eventually he lifted his head. Locked eyes with Rosedale and said,

‘Don’t cross that line with me, Rosedale.’

‘You know in Texas they’ve got a saying, big hat and no cattle. And that’s exactly what I think you are, Thomas, all talk and no action.’

Rosedale poked Cooper. Jabbed his finger right into his chest. Mistake. Big one.

‘You’ve just crossed the line.’

With rapid speed, channelling his anger from Granger and Maddie, Cooper threw a double punch. Caught Rosedale tight on his mouth and followed it through with a body shot to the ribs. He quickly ducked, curving his body out of the way to avoid Rosedale’s counter attack, before he powered a left scissor punch right to his jaw.

‘What the hell is the matter with you?’ Granger dragged Cooper off Rosedale, who grinned, licking the blood from his mouth as he spoke.

‘Can’t remember the last time a man split my lip. I have to give it to you, Thomas, you still have it. Shame for everyone, you didn’t have it when it mattered.’

It was one helluva roar from Granger. ‘Shut it Rosedale…! I want you both in my office. Now!’

Gazing out of the large window overlooking the dusty, cactus-filled flatlands leading up to the Granite Mountain, Dax Granger sat back in his hard wooden chair. He was tired. Real tired. Tired enough for the doctor to tell him he had to rest and take it easy. Unfit enough for the doctor to be throwing numbers at him like he was carving up the batter in a baseball game. Blood pressure one sixty over a hundred. Cholesterol level one ninety. Goddamn doctors, only thing they were good at was scaring the life out of people, triggering his wife to start looking for a retirement condo down in South Florida. If that’s what old age and ill health had in store for him, let God take him now. Irritated, he pointed at Rosedale and Cooper with the chewed blue biro top he held in his hand.

‘Is this the way it’s going to be, huh guys? You two at each other’s throats like a pair of Coyotes? I thought it was Maddie and Cooper I had to worry about, but oh no, you always like to prove me wrong.’

Rosedale yawned, adjusting the angle of his large cream cowboy hat whilst looking down at his watch.

‘You got some place else you need to be, Rosedale?’

Rosedale smirked, lighting his cigar. ‘Hell no, I’m staying around for the entertainment.’

Not having said anything so far, Cooper kept his words to a minimum. He took a drag from his cigarette. ‘You should’ve told me.’

Granger pulled a face. ‘I don’t need to discuss my staffing policies with anyone, least of all you. You’re here to do a job, nothing else.’

Cooper had a feeling the man was enjoying this. But he tried not to focus on that. Pills had a way of making a man feel paranoid. ‘Then tell me why.’

Rosedale cut in. Grinned widely. ‘I think that’s plain obvious, don’t you, Thomas?’

‘What’s he talking about?’

Granger had never been a man who liked to be questioned and today was no different. He snapped and barked and growled. ‘You were away where you shouldn’t have even been. I was a man down.’ He shrugged his shoulders to mark the end of his sentence.

‘And that’s it?’

‘That’s it, Cooper. Nothing more than a short tale.’

Rosedale said, ‘Oh, I wouldn’t say that.’

Granger stared hard at him. ‘Cut it out.’

Cooper turned to Granger. He wanted answers. But more than that he didn’t want anyone to be making him their fool. ‘I’m missing something here, aren’t I…? What’s going on?’

Drinking the coffee Maddie hadn’t bothered sugaring – orders from his wife – Granger sighed, not wanting to say anything more.

At which Rosedale was clearly amused. He winked. ‘Somebody thinks you need your hand holding, Thomas. So who better? Here I am. You’ve got yourself a babysitter.’

‘I don’t get it… Granger… I’m talking to you.’

Cooper could see Granger was uncomfortable. Forced into a corner. And he wasn’t about to let him out.

‘Okay, I got a call, but Cooper, you’ve got to understand…’

Cooper put his hand up to stop Granger saying anymore. ‘Oh I understand alright, and you can bet your life I’m going to go and sort it out.’

‘Hey Jackson, it’s Coop.’ Exhaustion threatened to overwhelm Cooper, but nothing could stop the strength of his feelings coming through in his voice. And in return he received the same warmth and love back. It felt good.

‘Coop! Hey Coop! Levi told me you were back. Thank God you’re okay. I was worried. I thought… hey, it’s good to hear your voice. I tried to call you at the ranch, got the answer machine… I missed you, man… Anyway, when you coming across?’

Hearing Jackson’s voice gave Cooper the first real sense of relief since he’d been back. And even though he knew it was only a fleeting moment, when he spoke to Jackson it always felt like everything was going to be just fine. Real fine.

‘I’ve got a couple of days off, thought I’d fly over tonight, but I’ve got something I need to do first so I’m not sure what time. I’ve got Cora with me. I know she’d like to see you and I’m trying to make up for being a deadbeat dad.’

‘Well let her know I’m looking forward to seeing her too. You flying yourself?’

‘No, I thought I’d catch the red eye.’

Jackson laughed. ‘Shatters my illusion Coop. You on a red eye. Can’t quite see it, man.’

‘Stranger things have happened Jackson, just you believe it. And besides, I’m tired and I don’t think Maddie would thank me if I flew solo with Cora.’

‘She’s got a point. Which reminds me, Levi told me about you and Maddie. I’m sorry. If there’s anything I can do.’

‘News travels fast,’ said Cooper. ‘But thanks, it’s cool. I guess it’ll sort itself one way or another.’

‘You okay with it?’

‘I dunno.’

‘Which translates into you don’t want to talk about it, right?’

‘You got it in one.’

‘Okay, well, I’ll see you in the morning, and maybe you could try to get here in one piece.’

‘No-one wants that more than me… Oh hey, will your dad be about?’

‘Yeah, I think so. You wanna say hi to him? He’ll be pleased to catch up with you.’

‘Cool. I’ll see you later… and Jackson? I missed you too.’

‘You ready, honey?’ Cooper clicked off his cell. Looked back at Cora who was sitting quietly in the back seat, seemingly oblivious to the rental car’s overpowering smell of cheap plastic and X-tra Strength wild cherry which oozed out in menacing waves from the innocuous-looking pink cardboard tree dangling from the driver’s mirror. He said, ‘What you got in your hands, baby?’

‘Mr. Crawley.’

‘Can I see it?’

‘Him, Daddy. Can you see him.’

‘Sorry. Can I see him?’

Cora Cooper raised her eyebrows just like she’d seen her mom do when she was asked something important. She looked at her dad with caution and a deep frown befitting someone far older than her four years.

Thinking hard, she decided there were a lot of things she knew. She knew how to do her math in Mrs. Bradbury’s class without crossing out. She knew how to do her shoelaces, though not on her new red sneakers she got last week; those laces were too long. She also knew really big things… Secrets. Like her mommy sometimes cried at night when she put on her music, and her daddy hid his red and blue and white candy in lots of bottles in the horse barn. Oh yes, she knew all those things and a whole lot more, but she didn’t know this. She didn’t know if she should let her daddy see Mr. Crawley because she didn’t know if Mr. Crawley would want to see her daddy. But then, she always enjoyed being with her daddy, so perhaps Mr. Crawley would.

Cora Cooper gave a long sigh and screwed up her nose and, just to be on the safe side, cupped her hands, brought them close to her face and asked, ‘Mr. Crawley, what do you think?’

‘What did he say?’

‘Sshhhh, Daddy! I can’t hear him…’

‘Sorry.’ Cooper glanced at his watch. Tried not to let impatience show. And hoped to God the clearly deceased Mr. Crawley would make up his mind one way or another. And fast. It was 3.34. Fifteen minutes late. Shit.

‘Well baby? What did he say? Can I see him?’

Cora opened her blue eyes. Wide. Gave Cooper an incredulous stare. ‘I don’t know yet Daddy, he hasn’t told me.’

Cooper rubbed his face. Pinched the bridge of his nose. The smell from the car freshener burning into his nostrils like a bad case of sinusitis. ‘Okay, well listen, honey, maybe you tell Mr. Crawley I’ll see him some other time. I’m meant to be somewhere and if I don’t get there soon, Daddy will be in trouble.’

‘With who?’

‘With a man.’

‘Which man?’

‘With a man who Daddy has to see.’

‘Why?’

‘Why what?’

‘Why do you have to see him?’

‘Has anyone told you, you ask a lot of questions?’

‘That’s what you say to Mommy.’

Cooper smiled and chuckled and laughed. Hard and loud. ‘Cora. I love you. Never forget that.’

‘And Mr. Crawley?’

‘Yeah, and Mr. Crawley.’

‘Daddy?’

‘Yes?

‘Do you think this man wants to see Mr. Crawley?’

‘He probably does. Problem is, honey, I don’t think Mr. Crawley would want to see this man.’

‘It really isn’t appropriate bringing a child to session, but I suppose now she’s here there’s nothing we can do about it. You can put her out in the hall.’

To which Cooper said, ‘She’s not a damn cat. She’ll be fine just there in the corner. She can play with her bug and read her book. She won’t be any trouble.’

‘I’m not happy about this, Mr. Cooper. And that’s even without wanting to mention you’re twenty minutes late.’

‘So why did you?’

‘Why did I what?’

‘Mention it. If you didn’t want to do something, why do it?’

‘Is that what happens to you? If you don’t want to do something you don’t bother?’

‘You tell me,’ said Cooper. ‘That’s why I’m here, isn’t it?’

‘No, Mr. Cooper. You’re here for court-ordered psychological sessions. Two years of monthly sessions extended to three years due to non-compliance, as you probably recall. It was either that or a residential psychiatric facility treatment center, but I recollect your attorney was vigorously opposed to that suggestion… You seem to be in denial about the truth about why you’re here.’

Cooper stared at the doctor, with the overly gelled hair and brown mule shoes looking like they pinched a little too tight, and he noticed the doctor staring back, which wasn’t a good thing because he was certain the doctor with the over gelled hair and too small shoes would read something into it and write it down and show it to his colleagues and send it to the court probation officer and finally to the judge who would never know the whole situation could’ve been avoided with the right size shoes. ‘Jesus. I was joking, Doc. I know why I’m here.’

‘I wouldn’t call it a joke. Do you often try to cover feelings with jokes – however unfunny?’

‘You gotta stop this.’

‘Stop what Mr. Cooper?’

‘Every time I say something you see a different meaning.’

‘Does that trouble you?’

‘Too damn right it does.’

‘Would you say you have feelings of paranoia?’

‘No.’

‘You seem agitated.’

‘Wouldn’t you?’

‘That all depends.’

Cooper said, ‘On what?’