The 100 Most Asked Questions About Love, Sex and Relationships

3 If a relationship takes a lot of work, does that mean something is wrong with it?

At times, I find myself wondering whether my wife is my perfect partner, because our relationship doesn’t ever seem to be completely effortless and without issues. We love each other very much and have grown tremendously over the past eight years, but it seems we’re always “dealing” with something—balancing her needs with mine; learning to ask for what we want; giving each other enough attention, or space. Should it be this complicated?

Yes! Show me a relationship without conflict and issues and I’ll show you a couple that is either dead or in denial! A conscious relationship requires a lot of work, because it asks you to push past the fear that would keep you protected and invulnerable to your partner and, instead, to reveal all of you—the giving and the selfish part; the forgiving and the angry part; the compassionate and the blaming part. In other words, a truly honest, deep, and committed relationship will continually confront you with all the parts of yourself that are not totally loving, and thus will make you uncomfortable as it stretches you beyond the boundaries of your ego.

Where I think people get stuck is in the erroneous belief that a relationship is always supposed to make you feel good, so if it feels bad, it must be bad. Actually, it is often during the times when the relationship doesn’t feel good that something good is happening: You are being forced to see a part of yourselves or a dynamic between you that is not healthy, so you can change it and make your relationship even stronger. It may feel like things are falling apart, but actually, they are trying to come more together. It’s at these times when you need to be careful not to misinterpret your difficulties as signs of doom, but rather, opportunities for growth. (This only applies if you are actually with the right person in the first place—see section on compatibility.)

Of course, both partners need to be willing to work on themselves and the relationship. And it’s essential to share a vision and understanding of the purpose of your relationship, so that when stuff comes up, and it will, you remember what you’re doing there in the first place. Here are three understandings I suggest couples adopt:

1. We have been brought together for the purpose of helping each other grow, and will be each other’s teacher.

2. Our relationship is a precious gift—it will take us through whatever we need to learn to become more conscious, loving human beings.

3. The challenges and difficulties we experience will always illuminate our most needed lessons.

4 How do you deal with a partner who is a flirt?

My boyfriend of two years is a flirt! He’s always staring at other women when we are together, especially certain body parts, and sometimes he even comes on to women right in front of me. When I complain about his behavior, he insists he’s just being “friendly,” and “joking around,” and accuses me of being “insecure” and “jealous.” What do you think?

What I think doesn’t count—it’s what you think and feel that matters, and you already know what that is. You think he’s acting like an insensitive jerk, and he is! You don’t need me to validate your opinion, but since you asked, I’ll add a little something! What your boyfriend is doing is totally disrespectful. I call it “leaking sexual energy.” He may not be doing anything physical, but on the astral plane, he’s lusting after, undressing, and probably doing much more to other women, and right in front of you no less. His saying it’s just “friendly” behavior is like someone whose dog is humping your leg telling you the animal is just being friendly. You know it’s much more—you can feel it in your gut.

As for his accusations that you are “insecure” and “jealous,” those are buzz words men (and women) often use to control their partner, invalidate their feelings, and make them feel something is wrong with them. Don’t fall for it, and don’t let him minimize what he’s doing to you. This is a problem that needs facing.

See, there’s a difference between “noticing” that another human being is attractive as she walks by, and enjoying the contribution her beauty adds to the world, and, on the other hand, having a wild, ten-second sexual orgy with her in your imagination. The first is acknowledging attractiveness; the second is indulging in it and, temporarily, forgetting that your sexual commitment is to your partner. And you know when your lover is doing the second, because it feels like he disappeared for ten seconds—and he did.

Now, let me take his side for a moment, because the fact is that unfortunately our society trains and even supports men to behave in this disrespectful manner toward women. It’s the old eye-winking, back-slapping boys’ club that gives men points for “scoring,” and looks the other way on cheating, flirting, etc. So it’s possible that your sweetheart is a really nice, but misguided, member of the male race who just doesn’t realize how his behavior is hurting you. Then again, it’s possible that he’s not a nice guy and couldn’t care less about your feelings. That’s a distinction only you can make.

Try sharing this information with your boyfriend without blaming him, coming from a more neutral place. See if it helps him understand how hurtful his behavior is to you, and let him know you respect yourself too much to stay in the relationship if the flirting continues.

5 How can I stop mothering my husband?

My husband and I have been married for ten years, and have three small children, but I feel like I have four kids—including him. I find myself treating him like a child because he acts like one. He’s always misplacing things, forgetting appointments, and leaving his stuff all over the house. I hate feeling this way, and I know it turns him off, because our sex life is practically nonexistent. How can I stop acting like his mother?

Boy, am I glad you asked. Mothering our men is one of the biggest mistakes women make in relationships. The more we treat them like little boys, the more they act like it. They end up resenting us and, eventually, rebelling against us just like they did against Mom at some point. And what’s worse, mothering your mate is the quickest and deadliest way to kill the passion in your love life. After all—no man wants to sleep with his mother, so if you’re acting like her, it’s going to be just about impossible to turn him on, unless he has a strange fetish for nagging and scolding.

Now, as a woman, I know how natural it is to mother someone you love. We’re trained to do it from the time we are children ourselves. After all, your first and most predominant experience of love was probably associated with your mother, who carried you inside her for nine months, fed you, bathed you, burped you and powdered your behind. Once you realized you, too, were a female, it was just a mental hop, skip, and jump to treating people you love with a “mothering, nurturing” attitude. There’s only one problem—it drives men crazy, reminds them of you know who, and makes them want to leave home all over again.

There are six “Mommy-No-No’s” that we do as women:

1. We act overly helpful by doing things for men that they should be doing for themselves (choosing his clothes, picking up after him, finding his keys).

2. We play verbal guessing games with men to try and pull information out of them. (“You’re hungry … how about some cereal? No? What about pretzels? Not pretzels? Okay, what if I make you some nice soup?”)

3. We assume men will be absentminded or forgetful and remind them of information they should remember by themselves. (“Don’t forget it’s trash night…” “Don’t forget to pick up milk …”)

4. We scold men as if they were children. (“How many times do I have to tell you to turn off the kitchen lights?”)

5. We take charge of activities that we assume they can’t do right. (Planning trips, taking the kids out to buy clothing.)

6. We correct and direct them when they don’t ask for our help. (Correcting their memory, offering the “right way”, to cook something.)

I know what you’re thinking… “But he always forgets where he put his keys” … “But if I don’t do it, it won’t get done …” Believe me, I’ve been there. All I can say is that you have much more to lose by behaving motherly than you do by waiting for him to find the keys once in a while. So here are my rules for you to follow if you want to transform yourself from a mother back into a lover:

Rule #1: Stop doing things for your mate that he can do for himself.

Rule #2: Treat him like a competent, reliable person.

Rule #3: Don’t speak to him in “Mommy-talk.”

Rule #4: Agree on what responsibilities are his in the relationship, and don’t take over even if he makes a mistake.

Rule #5: Make a list: “The ways I play Mommy …” Read it every day, and give him a copy so he can bust you when you fall off the wagon.

Hang in there, and remember—when you break the mothering habit, you will feel and act more like a woman, and he will feel and act more like a man.

6 How can I help my partner break through the emotional barriers she put up because of her painful childhood?

My wife had a very tough childhood, lots of physical and verbal abuse and very little love. The result is that she has locked herself behind thick emotional walls, and no matter what I do, I can’t get through to her. I know she loves me, but she has a hard time showing it and is very withdrawn. Is it possible for someone like this to ever open up? What can I do to break through her walls?

I’m going to say something you may not want to hear: It’s not your job to break through to her. It’s not your job to rescue her. It’s her job to rescue herself. That doesn’t mean you can’t be a part of her healing process, but that can only happen if she decides she wants to break free from her emotional prison.

Perhaps, like many of us who have loved someone in emotional pain, and wanted desperately to save that person, you haven’t asked your wife the most important questions: Do you want to change? Do you want to open up emotionally? Are you willing to do whatever it takes, counseling, reading, seminars, to heal yourself of the emotional damage from your childhood?

Whether your marriage works or not lies in her answer to these questions. If she wants to heal herself, and is willing to take action to do so, then you have a chance. But if she won’t, or can’t start a journey of recovery, you will need to face a very heartbreaking but necessary fact—your wife may be emotionally incapable of having the kind of healthy relationship you want, at least right now, and perhaps for a long time to come. Some people truly are too wounded, too damaged to love fully and freely. And ironically, your pressuring your wife to open up and let you in may actually make her feel even worse about herself and more like a failure than if she were in a less demanding relationship, or even lived alone.

While you’re asking her the questions I mentioned, you need to ask yourself some too, because it’s no accident that you are in this kind of relationship and are acting as a rescuer. Rescueholics tend to become involved with partners they feel compelled to help, whom they feel sorry for. This almost always goes back to your own unfinished emotional business from childhood. Maybe there was someone you couldn’t rescue, but wanted to, like an abused mom, an alcoholic dad, an ailing sibling. Or maybe the person you wanted someone else to rescue was yourself, so you’re acting it out as an adult. Do some emotional work on your own issues, because you may “need” her to be messed up in order to run out your own patterns.

Someone once said that you can’t force a flower to open its petals before it’s time. Find the courage to ask your wife if she’s ready to work on loving you the way you need to be loved, and know that the truth will set you both free.

7 Is it possible to “fall back in love” with someone after years of feeling dead and disinterested?

I’ve been married for twenty-eight years, and for the last ten, I’ve felt numb toward my partner. We’ve discussed divorce, but neither of us really wants to go out and start dating at this point in our lives. Is it possible for us to fall back in love again, or should we just accept the fact that our marriage is over?

Yes, it’s possible to fall back in love again, or more accurately, to break through the numbness you are both feeling and rediscover the love that is still there underneath. If you’re a couple (and I’d bet anything you are) who never worked on maintaining the intimacy in your relationship, avoided major confrontation, suppressed unpleasant emotions, and didn’t talk about your feelings, then of course you are feeling numb. You’ve spent years becoming experts at numbing yourselves to the little things, and now you’re wondering where the love went. It may still be there in hibernation, underneath all the other frozen emotions.

It sounds to me like you are both not only numb to one another, but numb period. You aren’t interested in dating or starting your love life over again, and I’ll bet you feel kind of tired and blasé about everything. This could be a major turning point in your life, a moment where you look at one another and say, “I’m tired of feeling this tired of everything …-I’m tired of feeling numb … I’m ready to make some changes.”

The first step is to break through that numbness by confronting some of the issues that are sure to be lurking beneath the surface. You won’t be able to do this on your own—you’ll need help, and I suggest you find a well-trained therapist or marriage counselor who has an excellent reputation for helping couples in trouble. If you don’t get the results you want, try someone else, read books, attend seminars, etc. You won’t be able to tell if your marriage can be saved until you try everything. Then, if you decide it’s over, you can do so knowing you made every attempt to resurrect the relationship.

Here’s something to give you some hope: I’ve personally worked with thousands of couples who believed they were on the verge of divorce, who, after giving their relationship the attention it needed, fell back in love again; every week I receive letters from couples I’ve never even met, but who share this same kind of success story with me. So it’s not just possible—it’s happening all the time, and I pray it can happen for you too.

8 How can I get my husband to pay as much attention to me as he does to our children?

I consider myself lucky to have a husband who is my best friend, and two healthy young daughters. So I feel even more guilty to admit that I’m jealous of my girls! The truth is, my husband gives them more attention and affection than he gives me. I always brag about what a great dad he is, but I need more physical and emotional closeness with him. I’ve tried to talk about this, but he ends up feeling criticized and pulls even farther away. Am I expecting too much?

Guess what? Millions of wives and mothers feel the same secret envy you do about how much love their husband shows the kids, so be assured that you’re not “bad,” “selfish,” or “weird”—you’re just not getting everything you need from your partner. (I hear this same complaint from men, too, by the way, about their wife showing the kids more affection.) So the first step is to stop making yourself wrong for longing to be the recipient of the tenderness and caring your husband showers on your daughters. Of course you’re jealous: the little girl inside of you is hungry for the intimacy you know your mate is capable of, since you see him share this with your girls. I know it feels awful to see your own daughters, whom you adore, as rivals, but that’s what’s happening.

It might help you to understand where your husband is coming from. You see, it’s easy for him to be so emotionally generous with his children. They don’t nag him, criticize what he says or does, or see his faults!! In other words, they still love him unconditionally. That feeling of being loved purely and completely allows him to feel safe enough to open his heart and share the most giving part of himself with them. With you, it’s a different story. You don’t have him on a pedestal, like the girls do; you don’t think everything he says is so smart; you see him as he really is. So it’s much more difficult for your husband to feel as safe and loved with you as he does with his daughters. This is true for all parents—it’s a lot more challenging to be as consistently loving with our mates as we are with our kids, but that’s the whole point of marriage—ideally, to learn how to love another person in spite of their imperfections.

That’s the compassionate part of the answer, but the second part is more practical: Your relationship with your husband must be placed first, before your relationship as parents to the kids. I believe strongly that, as a wife, you need to feel you are Number One to your husband, and not that you get the emotional leftovers, if there are any, after your daughters are loved. If your marriage isn’t healthy, it won’t matter how much your children feel loved … you will end up feeling resentment toward them, and they will not grow up with a positive example of how a woman should be treated. The stronger your relationship with your husband is, the better both of you will be as parents to your kids. Keeping you happy and well loved should be your husband’s first responsibility to the family, because that ensures a stable and lasting home life for your children. And the happier you and he are together, the happier your girls will be. Tell him I said so!!!!

9 How should you handle a partner who smothers you with too much love and affection and is too possessive?

I have the opposite problem than most women have—my boyfriend loves me too much. He wants to be with me every second; he never takes his hands off me; and when we aren’t together, he calls me every few hours. I’ve asked him to back off, to give me some space, but he gets really hurt and rejected, and I end up comforting him. I really care about this man, but I’m starting to turn off, and even feel scared of him. How can I make him see that I need him to love me less?

Your problem isn’t that your boyfriend loves you too much—it’s that he doesn’t love himself enough. He’s what I call an “emotional vampire.” His heart is like an emotional container that’s empty, and he desperately needs you to fill him up, only there’s a hole in the bottom, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough, and he’ll always crave more. No wonder you feel uncomfortable: although he appears to be giving in his desire to be with you, touch you, and call you, he’s actually taking. He’s feeding off your attention, your presence, your energy.

People like your boyfriend who seem to “love too much” are almost always desperately needy, seeking to distract themselves from their pain with a temporary dose of love, sex, or affection. They can fall in love instantly, and become easily compulsive and obsessed, sucking their partners in by sweeping them off their feet, and, eventually, keeping them around with guilt and pity. Your boyfriend probably has been very hurt in his life, perhaps by a family member, and he has an emotional wound that will not heal until he deals with it at its source. Your relationship and all the others he has had are like Band-Aids, temporary solutions for a deep and chronic problem.

What am I telling you? Probably to end this relationship now, before things get worse, and they inevitably will. The only circumstances under which you should keep seeing him would be if he admitted to the problem and sought help immediately. There’s a chance that, if your boyfriend receives some intensive counseling, you could work things out together. However, I sense that you’ve already had enough. And don’t forget to take a look at why you got sucked in by this kind of person. (Hint: He begs for your love—you withhold it … Are you punishing Mom or Dad? Are you staying in control?)

10 How can a couple learn to trust love when they’ve both been badly hurt in past relationships?

After surviving a very bitter divorce and custody battle for my children, I finally met a wonderful man who is everything my ex-husband wasn’t. He’s kind, open, and willing to talk about everything. Our problem is that his ex-wife left him for his best friend, so he’s afraid to trust love again, and so am I. How can we leave the past behind us and make this new relationship work?

First of all, congratulations!! You are faced with what I call a “high-class problem,” a problem that looks like a problem, but is really a great situation with some challenges attached to it. In essence, what you’re asking is, “How can my partner and I get rid of the fear in our relationship so we can love fully?” That’s a wonderful question to be able to ask. So the first step is for you and your sweetie to remind yourselves that you’ve worked very hard to get to this place. Before you get too intense about climbing your next mountain, take a moment to stop and really celebrate how far you’ve both come to finally have found a healthy relationship.