Полная версия
What Women Want Men To Know
HOW MEN MISINTERPRET THIS:
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women are fierce protectors of love.
Because love is so important to women, we feel a responsibility to maintain and protect it. That is why we are always evaluating our relationship to see if there are any problems lurking about, or any issues we need to deal with, so they don’t blow up into major stumbling blocks. All of the time and energy women put into trying to work on the relationship are just reflections of her commitment to love, and her commitment to you – she is investing in and attempting to protect her most valuable asset.
Women have a powerful system of internal radar for detecting emotional tension in other people, particularly our mates. It is as if we are always on guard, watching for anything that might threaten the integrity of our relationship from the outside, or from the inside. So when we ask you “What’s wrong?” or suggest we talk about a problem, it’s NOT because we are trying to “stir things up” or ruin your peaceful evening; it’s NOT because we are nervous and paranoid, and are simply overreacting. It’s because we feel something is off between us, or something is going on inside of you, and we want to make sure that nothing goes undetected that could hurt us or come between us. It’s because we care so much, and don’t want to lose you.
WHAT WOMEN WOULD LIKE MEN TO DO:
How can you apply these suggestions to situations that come up in your relationship? Here’s a chart for men with very specific suggestions for how to keep what you’ve learned in mind and respond to your partner with more compassion and less judgment. Remember: Understanding that a women puts love first means seeing her behavior from this new point of view, rather than simply dismissing it as insecurity or neediness.
HOW MEN CAN RESPOND WHEN THEY REMEMBER THAT WOMEN PUT LOVE FIRST
INCIDENT: Your girlfriend tries to make plans with you for an upcoming weekend.
Old Responses New Responses “Why can’t you just be spontaneous?” “You’re so sweet to want to spend time with me.” “Why do you always have to plan everything?” “Thank you for thinking about this in advance. It will be fun.”INCIDENT: Your wife says she was worried when you didn’t call when you were working very late one night.
Old Responses New Responses “Why do you get so worked up over nothing?” “I’m sorry I didn’t call – I can see how you could have been worried.” “Calm down – you always make yourself paranoid.” “It feels good to know you care so much about me.”INCIDENT: Your girlfriend asks you what’s bothering you because you’ve been very quiet during dinner.
Old Responses New Responses “Do I have to always be talkative and romantic around you, or you’ll get upset? You are so needy.” “You’re right – I am feeling quiet. I had a very stressful day and I guess I just need to not talk much right now.” “Why do you always have to watch every little thing I do? Can’t I do anything without being scrutinized?” “Thank you for noticing. I have a lot on my mind tonight concerning work. It has nothing to do with you.”INCIDENT: Your wife gives you this book and suggests you both read it to help improve your relationship.
Old Responses New Responses “Here you go again, saying it’s all my fault. I don’t need you to fix me.” “You are sweet to always look for ways we can get closer. I am sure I can learn something new.” “I’m not into that kind of self-help stuff. It’s for women. You read it if you want to.” “You know I have a hard time with books like this, but if you think it has some valuable information for us, then I will definitely read it, because I do want to be a great husband.” *Can you see how the old responses are all based on misinterpretations of a woman’s behavior when she is putting love first – assumptions that she must be needy or insecure or trying to control her partner? The new responses, on the other hand, are all based on an understanding of the true intention behind her behavior and are examples of how a man can express his acknowledgment of that loving intention. Guys, please try experimenting with these suggestions, even if it feels awkward at first. I promise you will love the results!
DON’T EXPECT YOUR WOMAN TO LOVE YOU LIKE A MAN
To the men reading this: I know that, in spite of how hard I’ve worked here to explain that women put love first, you may still be secretly grumbling to yourself: “Why can’t a woman’s Love Pie look more like mine? Mine is much more reasonable – a little slice focused on love and the rest focused on life. This is a much more sane way to live. Why does she have to be so focused on me all the time? Why do I have to read charts about how to talk to her? Why can’t it all be much simpler?”
This complaint reminds me of an experience I had many years ago. I was in a serious relationship with a man I loved very much. We were in the middle of a difficult discussion about “us” – you know, one of those talks that makes men want to flee – and I was trying to explain why I needed him to check in with me more often, plan more time with me, and not disappear for days on end when I didn’t hear from him. He listened to my arguments silently, and then responded:
“Why can’t you focus on your own life and not think so much about me?” he asked with annoyance. “I wish you could just do your own thing, concentrate on your work, your projects and your interests, and then, if I happen to call you, you’d say casually ‘Oh hello, it’s nice to hear from you. I’ve been very busy. Well, how are you?’ Instead,” he continued, “when I call you now, you are so excited, and when I don’t call, you get upset and make it a big deal. Why can’t you just be more into yourself, and not so concerned with me?”
“In other words,” I replied sarcastically, “you wish I were a man!”
“No, I didn’t say that,” he retorted. “I just wish you weren’t so focused on love all the time.”
“Like I said,” I continued, “you wish I were a man!”
“Why do you keep repeating that? I don’t want a man – I just want you to not care so much about whether I call you or we see each other, to go ahead with your own life and if I show up, I show up.”
“I hear you,” I responded with irritation. “You wish I were a man! I keep saying that because that’s who you’re describing!”
I share this story as a response to those men who, after taking in all the information in this chapter, still might be lamenting, as Professor Henry Higgins sang in the classic Broadway musical My Fair Lady, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?” You have several choices if you really feel this way:
1. You can change your sexual preference and not have to deal with women at all. (This is probably not an option for most of you!)
2. You can find a woman who is cut off from the female part of herself and demands very little from you and from love. (This may feel comfortable for a while, but eventually, you will feel emotionally frustrated and ripped off.)
OR…
3. You can learn to understand why women are the way we are, and appreciate our nature rather than resist it.
Personally, I recommend the third option. As you’ll see throughout the rest of this book, the more you value and honor the love a woman has for you, the more she will end up giving you exactly what you want and need, offering you satisfaction and contentment in ways you couldn’t even have imagined.
Let me share a story with you about a man I knew who ended up breaking his own heart because he turned away from a woman who put love first, thinking it would be easier to be with a woman who didn’t care as much. Jonathan was in his thirties and had been living with his girlfriend, Kristen, for two years. Kristen was a bright, warm, and energetic person who adored Jonathan and wanted to spend her life with him. Although Jonathan deeply loved Kristen, he had a difficult time with how much she loved him. She was devoted, thoughtful, consistent, and definitely a woman who put love first, and it sometimes felt overwhelming to Jonathan, who thought of himself as very independent and unconventional.
I remember a conversation I had with Jonathan in which he confessed that he was craving his freedom and fantasizing about being in a less demanding relationship. “It just feels like it’s too much,” he complained.
“Jonathan,” I suggested, “I don’t think Kristen is doing anything but loving you. She’s offered you her whole heart. What’s wrong with that?”
“I don’t know,” he replied. “Sometimes I wish she didn’t love me as much – it would make it easier to be with her.”
I was sad but not surprised when, several months later, Jonathan called to tell me that he had broken up with Kristen. I listened silently as he described a new woman he was dating, Abby, and how much more comfortable he felt. “Abby’s really different from Kristen,” he explained. “She’s not very emotional, not needy at all, and she gives me my space.”
I had a sinking feeling in my stomach as Jonathan spoke about his new girlfriend. I suspected I knew the kind of woman he was talking about – a woman who had been hurt, had closed off her heart and thus demanded very little from the men in her life. My worries were corroborated when I met Abby. She was, indeed, cold and aloof. She treated Jonathan dispassionately, although he didn’t seem to notice any of this. He sat there with his arm around her making conversation, oblivious to the fact that, although she was pleasant, she was hardly paying any special attention to him. When Abby went to the restroom, Jonathan told me that he’d never felt so relaxed or free in a relationship in his life. “Naturally,” I thought to myself, “because you’re not really in an emotional relationship.” But I said nothing.
A few months later, I received a wedding invitation from Jonathan and Abby. I wanted to warn him of what I feared would be the inevitable painful outcome of his choice, but I bit my tongue and wished them the best in my heart. I couldn’t help thinking about Kristen and how devastated she would be when she found out Jonathan was marrying someone else.
What happened to Jonathan? Unfortunately, just what I thought would happen. At first, he felt relieved to be in a relationship that put so few emotional demands on him. But as time passed, he began to feel neglected by Abby. She didn’t seem to care what he did, where he went, or what was going on inside of him. She didn’t make any efforts to spend intimate time together. She wasn’t too interested in sex, and seemed content to focus on her career, hang out with her friends, and decorate their house. Basically, she just left Jonathan alone.
Slowly, Jonathan realized that he was starving for attention and affection. He began thinking about Kristen, remembering how much in love with him she’d been, and he found himself longing to feel that loved again. When he tried to talk to Abby about his needs, she showed no interest in working out their problems, insisting that she felt everything was just fine the way it was. Finally, Jonathan accepted the inevitable – he had made a terrible mistake. He had married the wrong woman.
Jonathan called me a year later to tell me he was getting a divorce. He was depressed and lonely. He’d contacted Kristen, secretly hoping that she would take him back, and was heartbroken to find she was engaged to be married to someone else. “I blew it,” he confessed to me, his voice choked with tears. “What was I thinking? Why did I convince myself I would be better off with a woman who didn’t know how to love?”
What’s the answer? Why did Jonathan turn away from the deep love he shared with Kristen for the hands-off, dispassionate kind of relationship he had with Abby? Because it seemed easier. Because it put no demands on him. Because it supported the illusion that, if he was free to do as he pleased without having to pay attention to a woman’s needs, he would be happy. Of course, Jonathan was wrong. He made a tragic mistake that many men make – he did not value the presence of a woman in his life who put love first.
Remember, men: A woman with an open, loving, passionate heart is offering you a profound gift. She is not trying to take anything from you, but rather give you her love, her commitment, her devotion, her joy. Not all women are capable of doing this. If you have one who is, hold tightly to her and thank your lucky stars that you found her.
LEARNING TO CELEBRATE YOUR ABILITY TO LOVE
A few days ago, I sent this chapter to a female friend of mine and asked her if she would read it and give me some feedback. As soon as she was finished, she called me. “Do you know how I felt reading this?” she asked. “I felt normal. It’s not like I haven’t heard some of this information before, or that I didn’t know how important love was to me. But to have it presented in the way you did helped me become more accepting of myself, and less judgmental. The truth is that for years, I’ve beat myself up for doing what I thought was loving too much. It feels so much better to think of my loving heart as a gift, not a weakness.”
I was so gratified to hear my friend’s reaction to this information, for that has been one of my main intentions in writing this chapter, and the others to follow in this section – to help women accept and love themselves more for who they are and the powerful way in which they love.
WHAT WOMEN NEED TO KNOW:
Having a tender, open heart is not a curse, but a blessing. Loving deeply and with devotion is not a mistake, but a gift. Putting love first is not a weakness, but an expression of who you are as a woman.
It is difficult to always remember this when we spend our lives defending how we love to men, and when we are constantly told that something is wrong with us for giving so much of ourselves in a relationship. I’ve struggled with this dilemma myself ever since I can remember, wondering if I wouldn’t somehow be better off if my heart was less open. I remember going to see a psychic once and complaining about how deeply I loved, and how much I felt. She looked at me and said, “Barbara, you worked hard for lifetimes to learn how to love this much. Don’t apologize for it. It’s a reward. You’ve earned it.”
This wise woman’s words shot through me like a bolt of lightning. I knew instinctively that what she was telling me was true. My ability to love so completely was indeed a blessing. Over the years, I’ve had to continually remind myself that putting love first is not a “problem” I have, or an unhealthy habit I need to get rid of – it is the way I am as a woman. When I am putting love first, I am surrendering to my most essential and joyous nature.
I believe that when we as women learn to celebrate our ability to love deeply, and to honor ourselves for our beautiful, abundant hearts, we will make it easier for the men in our lives to do the same.
Perhaps you’re a woman reading this chapter and having a different experience from that of my friend. Perhaps you’re thinking that the information doesn’t completely apply to you, because your heart doesn’t feel as loving as you think it should. Sometimes life’s painful experiences can cause a woman to shut down her heart, to vow never to put love first again.
If you grew up in an emotionally cold family, for instance, you may have made an unconscious decision as a young girl that it wasn’t safe to share your love and open yourself to intimacy. A painful childhood can put a damper on a woman’s inherent tendency to love deeply. The love is there, but you just don’t allow yourself to let it flow.
Sometimes it’s what happens to us as an adult that drives us to turn away from loving. An emotionally damaging relationship with a man can leave a woman feeling wounded and closed off. Often women who’ve been hurt will consciously take their focus off of love, and put it exclusively on work and career, hoping to avoid more pain. Their Love Pie may look more like a traditional male’s, with very little conscious focus on relationships. This “love reversal” is a form of protection. It’s as if we unconsciously decide to become more cold and unfeeling – like the people who’ve hurt us.
Whenever I work with women who have wounded hearts, I discover that deep inside, their longing for intimacy and connection is just as powerful as ever – its the willingness to seek it out that has changed. So perhaps you might say that for these women, their outer Love Pie looks more like a man’s, but their “inner” Love Pie is still more traditionally female.
Perhaps you’ve had times in your life when you’ve been that wounded woman. Perhaps you’re still there and are struggling to break free of those emotional chains and love again. I hope that the information I’ve presented will help you begin to heal your judgments about yourself, to love and accept yourself the way you are, and cherish the gift of your beautiful heart.
If you are a man who has loved or does love a wounded woman, know that what you’ll learn from this book will help you to help her learn to trust her own love again. The more you let her know what a gift her love is to you, the more she will begin to value herself as a woman.
* I couldn’t resist the last example!
2 WOMEN ARE CREATORS
Why do women always want to make things better? Why do we feel compelled to talk about the problems in our relationship with our partner? Why do we feel the need to help when we see the man we love going through a hard time? Why do we so enjoy making plans? Why do we work so hard to ensure harmony with our lover?
In this chapter, I’m going to share with you a second secret about who women are that’s the motivation for so much of how we behave in relationships. It is one of the most beautiful qualities women possess, one that is such an integral part of our psyche that we don’t even think about it. And it’s the answer to all of the above questions.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women are creators.
It is a woman’s nature to create. Women are life-givers. This is our mystery and our magic – we have the power to bring forth something out of nothing.
This ability to give birth to life is most obvious when we become mothers and bring a child into the world. But whether or not we have children, as women we are always giving birth: always creating something where nothing existed before, if not with our bodies, then with our words, our actions, our love. We do this when we give birth to a delicious meal for our family, or a party for a friend, or a bedtime story for our child, or a more effective way to market our company’s product, or an intimate conversation with our partner, or a display of flowers in a vase.
As creators, women are also alchemists; we change the form of things. We transmute the ordinary into the beautiful, the empty into the meaningful, that which was struggling into that which suddenly flourishes. We rarely encounter things that we do not feel inspired or at least tempted to improve upon, whether it’s the way a room is decorated or the way a friend is handling a problem in her relationship, the way we are wearing our hair or the way we have organized our jewelry in a drawer, the way our partner set the table for dinner or the way the two of us are communicating.
