Mother’s Only Child

In St George’s Army Barracks, Sutton Coldfield, Greg was lying on his bunk thinking of Maria and how wonderful she was, when the sergeant strode into the room. Greg leapt to his feet

‘Commander wants to see you, Hopkins,’ the sergeant said. ‘What you been up to lad?’

‘Nothing, Sarge.’ Greg could think of nothing he had done wrong.

‘Well, go and find out quick,’ the sergeant said. ‘Don’t keep him waiting.’

Greg thought back over the last few days for anything he might have done or said that was bad enough to be summoned by his commanding officer, but he could still think of nothing. Before he announced his presence he checked his boots, cleaning the toecaps with spit and a hanky, pulled his belt in, straightened his tie and knocked on the door with some trepidation.

‘Come in!’

As Greg opened the door and stepped in, the two people sitting in chairs across from the commanding officer turned. The big bullish man Greg had never seen before, but the girl beside him was Nancy Dempsey, a girl he hadn’t clapped eyes on for five months. This wasn’t the Nancy he knew, however. No mischievous light danced behind those black eyes, and there was no sulky pout to the lip. In fact her lip was split right open and her whole face was swollen and bruised. Greg stared at the man beside her with distaste. He had no time for men who raised their fists to women.

And when Nancy spoke her voice was thick and indistinct. ‘I’m sorry, Greg, really I am.’

Then Greg noticed something else. Beneath Nancy’s coat was a definite protruding small bump. His head was reeling, his mind screaming denial.

‘Well, Hopkins,’ the officer said in clipped tones. ‘Have you any idea why Mr Dempsey and his daughter are here?’

‘Yes, sir…I mean, no, sir.’

‘What d’you mean, “No, sir”?’ the man demanded. ‘I’ll tell you what, sir. You took my daughter down and now I want to know what you are going to do about it.’

‘Are you sure it was Hopkins?’ The question was directed at Nancy, but it was her father who answered.

‘Oh, it were him, all right. All over her like a rash last summer and into the autumn too, so her friends said. Then he dumped her like, but not before he filled her belly. She wouldn’t tell me straight off. I had to beat her near black and blue before she let on it were him, like.’

‘All right, Mr Dempsey,’ the commanding officer said sharply. He looked at Greg. ‘Do you deny this?’

He couldn’t deny it, nor say before this bully of a man that Nancy had been mad for it, begging him. He’d taken precautions every time till the time he’d gone to tell her it was really and truly over, and had taken nothing with him. ‘Just one last time to remember you by,’ she’d begged, and then stupidly, because he felt sorry for her, he had obliged.

He felt sick to the base of his stomach. Almighty Christ, what was he to do? But he knew what he had to do. There was no other course open to him. ‘I’ll marry her,’ he said. Then, because that sounded churlish and unkind, he turned to Nancy. ‘Don’t worry, Nancy, I’ll not let you down. I’ll marry you.’

‘The chaplain can do the honours,’ the commanding officer said.

‘I must go home first, sir,’ Greg said, ‘to tell my parents.’ But it wasn’t his parents he had to tell most urgently, it was Maria. Maria, that he loved with all his heart and soul and mind, that he had lost for ever. He knew he would be dealing her a terrific blow and he didn’t think he could bear her pain too; his own was making it difficult for him to draw breath.

The commanding officer surmised a lot by the look in young Hopkins’s eyes, for it wasn’t the first time such a thing had happened. ‘When does your leave start?’

‘In two days’ time, sir.’

‘Take it from tonight,’ the officer said. ‘I’ll square it, don’t worry. Tell your parents, then come straight back here. It’s best the matter is done as speedily as possible.’

‘You won’t lose by it, Greg,’ Nancy said. She was imploring him to look at her with eyes of love and not duty, but Greg was dying inside, shrivelling up. ‘I’ll be a good wife to you, Greg,’ she went on in desperation, ‘and our mom says I’m a tidy cook, like.’

Shut your mouth, you sodding stupid bitch! Greg gasped. For a moment he thought he’d spoken the words aloud.

‘You are dismissed, Hopkins,’ the officer said.

Tears were smarting in his eyes as Nancy grabbed his hand. ‘It will be all right, won’t it, Greg?’

He couldn’t speak, not without bawling like a baby. He said nothing, but pulled his hand away and left the room. He went outside the barracks, banged his head against the brick wall and he cried his eyes out.

CHAPTER FIVE

Despite losing pay, and her anxiety to keep in favour at work, Maria had taken the day off. Greg had told her what time the bus would stop in The Square. He could see her jumping from one foot to the other in excitement as the bus pulled in. He had barely left the vehicle when she launched herself at him, nearly overbalancing him, as he had a case in one hand.

‘Oh, Greg, I’ve missed you and I love you so much.’

Greg just stood and looked at Maria. She cried, ‘Put your arms around me, for God’s sake. It’s what I’ve longed for, for weeks.’

His heart like lead, Greg put his arms around the girl he loved beyond all others. ‘Maria, we must talk.’

‘Of course we must,’ Maria said. ‘Shall we go back?’

‘No, not home, somewhere quiet.’

‘There’s only Daddy. Bella has Mammy till I go back.’

Was there nowhere in this whole God-damned place that they could be alone so that Greg could tell the lovely, wonderful girl that he was casting her aside for another? ‘Maria, I need a private place.’

So did Maria. She wanted to run her fingers through his regulation short hair, to trace the lines of his face with her kisses, and kiss his delicious lips until she was dizzy. And she wanted him to kiss her eyes and her throat in the way that caused her to moan in ecstasy as the yearning excitement mounted in her. Then she wanted to feel his lips on hers, his tongue darting in and out of her mouth, his hands feeling every bit of her.

Suddenly, she knew the place. ‘We’ll go to the boatyard,’ she cried.

‘Is there no one there? Colm…?’

‘Colm has the flu. He hasn’t been there the last two days. He sent word down. There’s even a heater there.’

Greg sighed. ‘That’s the place then.’

‘Do you want to leave your case in the house as we pass?’

‘No,’ Greg said. He wanted to go nowhere and make small talk with anyone till he’d told his girl what he’d come to tell her. ‘No, it’s OK, really.’

They didn’t take the coastal path; the wind was so fierce they’d be in danger of being plucked off it and flung into the lough. Even through the town, the wind gusting around them made conversation difficult, but Greg was glad of it. Maria had linked arms with him and the case dragged from his other hand as they toiled up the slight hill to Greencastle.

The boatyard was, as Maria had said, deserted, and she lifted the large stone beside the door, extracted the key and let them in. Greg was glad to be out of the wind, but the workroom was icy.

‘Wait,’ Maria said, seeming to know her way around the dim room, the light of the day, such as it was, hardly penetrating through the one small window.

Maria lit both a paraffin lamp and a stove, and then she wrapped her arms around Greg. ‘Keep your coat on for a while,’ she advised, ‘till the room warms up a bit. Then,’ she added impishly, ‘we can take off as much as you’d like.’ She clapped her hand to her mouth in horror at the realisation of what she had said.

‘Maria!’

‘Oh, Greg, how dreadful to come out with something like that,’ she cried. ‘You must be shocked, think me brazen. I don’t know what came over me.’

‘It doesn’t matter,’ Greg cried, putting down his case thankfully against an upended boat. The ground was littered with coils of rope and the room smelt of engine oil.

Maria produced two chairs and passed one over to Greg. ‘Sit down, darling, and tell me what’s on your mind,’ she said. ‘I can tell there’s something.’

Now they were here, in this ideal place, isolated and alone, Greg didn’t know how to start. He’d rehearsed it enough times. He’d travelled through the night, on train and mail boat, more trains and the bus to get here in the least time possible, but while it was one thing to rehearse his story cold, as if the tale was of someone else entirely, it was quite another to sit and look into the eyes of his beloved and tell it.

‘Shall I make some tea?’ Maria said suddenly. ‘There’s always some things kept in the cupboard in the kitchen place and I could boil the kettle on the stove, though I’m not sure if there’s milk?’

Did he want tea? He didn’t know. Would tea help the cold, dead feeling inside him? ‘That would be nice,’ he found himself saying.

So Maria busied herself and found milk that the cold weather had kept fresh. She asked no questions till the tea was made and poured, biscuits laid on a plate. Then she said, ‘Now, tell me?’

Scalding as it was, Greg took a gulp of the tea, hoping it might steady his nerves. It didn’t and he swallowed deeply before saying, ‘This is hard for me, Maria, so hard. Before I realised that you felt as I had felt for years, that we’re as one, in love, I went out with another. A girl called Nancy Dempsey.’

So that was it. In seconds, Maria was out of her seat and on her knees before Greg. She held his hands in hers and said, ‘Greg, darling, I don’t care about your past. You could have had a hundred girls and I’d not be a whit interested in any one of them. What I care about is here and now, you and me and our future together.’

‘But that’s it!’ Greg cried desperately. ‘We have no future together.’

He watched as the realisation of his words took hold, sank into Maria’s mind. He saw the blood drain from her face, leaving it as white as lint, her eyes two pools of confused pain. ‘What…what do you mean, Greg? What…what are you saying? Please, please don’t say these hurtful things.’

Greg knew Maria was having difficulty even breathing.

And her eyes…Oh God. He closed his own, but it didn’t help. He still saw her look of betrayal. ‘Dear Christ,’ he cried, ‘do you think I want to say such things? Enjoy hurting you, hurting myself this way?’

‘Then why…?’

‘Listen,’ Greg said. Maria had snatched her hands away and he took hold of them again, massaging her fingers with his own as he went on, ‘I would willingly give my life in exchange for yours and think it an honour. You are the first and last person I will ever love, for I will never, ever feel this way again. And yet, Maria, I must marry another.’

Maria gave a cry and snatched her hands away. One hand was before her mouth, the other folded around her chest as she sat down in the chair. Pain such as she’d never experienced before filled her body and she felt her heart—the heart she’d given to Greg—shatter into a million pieces.

‘I have no choice,’ Greg cried helplessly. ‘Nancy carries my child.’

Now she understood. Greg, her Greg, had to be given to another. ‘She is already five months gone,’ Greg said, anxious that Maria knew it had been over before they declared their love for one another, before that first leave in October. ‘And she’d had to be beaten quite severely before she would tell her father my name.’ Maria seemed incapable of speech, so Greg went on, ‘It is mine, Maria. I cannot deny it and I cannot desert her. What life would she have if I did that?’

Maria knew everything Greg said was true. The facts were like little hammers battering inside her head.

‘Do you hate me, Maria?’

‘I feel nothing for you,’ Maria said flatly. ‘My heart is broken.’

‘I know,’ Greg said. ‘And mine too. Saying I am sorry is so inadequate, but I am sorry. You’d not believe how sorry I am. And though I must stand by Nancy and give her and the child my name, she will never have my love, or my heart. That belongs to you.’

Maria looked at Greg and wondered if he thought that made a difference. There was no point in talking any more. The talking was over now; to prolong it was pointless.

‘I think you should leave,’ she said, amazed by the controlled way she could say that, when inside she felt she’d been turned to jelly.

‘I can’t just leave you here.’

‘You can’t not,’ Maria said. ‘What I do is no longer your concern and I want you to go, now.’

‘Maria, please…’

Maria leapt to her feet. ‘Get out!’ she screamed. ‘God damn you. Get out! I don’t want you here, or to ever see your face again. Now get out!’

Greg stood up and lifted his case. He knew he had no option but to go. ‘Goodbye, Maria.’

Maria tossed her head, but did not acknowledge him in any other way. She was holding on to herself with great difficulty and barely had the door shut on him that she gave a great sigh. Her limbs were shaking uncontrollably. She had the urge to throw things—anything, everything. She wanted to scream at the unfairness of life.

Twice a tantalising future had been held before her and twice it had been pulled away before she could sample it. She thought she’d grieved for the college place, her father’s accident, her mother’s collapse, but it wasn’t grieving like this—this devastating hurt flowing through her, the feeling that she was bare, exposed, for all to see.

She sank onto the floor, unable any longer to stay upright, and cried out all the anguish and pain, cried as if she’d never, ever stop. Eventually, she was quiet. She lay for a few moments longer before pushing herself into a sitting position and then getting to her feet groggily. She felt light-headed and she held on to the chair till the room stopped spinning around her. The future was like a bad taste in her mouth and she was in despair.

But there were still her parents to see to. She knew she must go on. She’d already left her father unattended for far too long. She didn’t know the time, had no idea how long she had been there, but the paraffin lamp was spluttering and the fire in the stove much lower than it had been.

It was time to go, time to face the world. Maria put the biscuits away and threw the tea down the sink. She could go and tell the people of Moville of Greg’s betrayal, then take on board their pitying looks and sidelong glances. No, by God, she’d not, she vowed. Pride was all she had left now and she wasn’t losing one vestige of it.

Who knew anything about her and Greg anyway? Maria pondered as she made her way home. She had worn his ring beneath her clothes and had made no announcement. A few of the girls at the factory had known about Greg and they’d understand if she was to say she’d talked it over and they’d decided to cool everything until the war was over and she was a little more mature. They’d swallow that, even approve of it. ‘Don’t want to be rushing into anything now,’ one woman had already said the once.

‘Aye, that’s right,’ Joanne had agreed. ‘I’m having the time of my life at the moment and I’ll not give it up for any man till I’m good and ready.’

Bella and Dora would have to be told the truth, of course, but they’d not spread the tale about if she asked them not to. Her father would be disappointed, she knew. He wanted to see her settled and so did Sean. This latest development would once more chain him down. She wasn’t worried about Barney for he hadn’t approved of the engagement in the first place and she had no doubt that he’d accept what she said.

So, her pride would be intact, but inside she felt dead, numb, like half a person. This was a grievous blow she wondered if she’d ever recover from.

Her father was thankfully asleep when she reached the house. The first thing she did was to fetch an envelope from the bureau in her room and drop the ring in it. Tomorrow she would post it to Greg’s parents, where she assumed he would be staying. There was no need for any explanation.

In fact, Greg wasn’t at his parent’s, for they wouldn’t have him. His mother could scarcely believe that her son had slept with a girl before marriage, before even an understanding, and the news had shocked her to the core. Even his father, knowing more of the world and the need and urges of young men, was censorious.

‘If you couldn’t control yourself, couldn’t you at least use something?’

Greg’s head jerked up. ‘What d’you know about things like that?’

‘Enough,’ his father snapped. ‘I wasn’t born yesterday. I know too it’s against the Church’s teaching—not that they’d approve of fornication either, of course.’

‘I did use something, Dad,’ Greg admitted. ‘Except for one time, the last time. I didn’t think…Anyway, just once we used nothing.’

‘Well, that one slip-up has ruined young Maria’s life. I suppose you know that?’

And mine, Greg might have said, but he didn’t. This was no time to think of himself. He nodded and his voice was thick when he said, ‘I know, Dad.’

‘You’ve condemned her to a life of drudgery and likely broken her heart, for she loved you dearly. The times she’d come here and talk about you, it’s obvious what she thinks, how she feels. God, Greg, I’m surprised you can live with yourself.’

‘Dad, I’m not proud of this, any of it,’ Greg said. ‘But, for God’s sake, what was I to do? I’d finished with Nancy long before I declared myself to Maria and since that moment I have been true to her. But Nancy is pregnant with my child, Dad. I can’t desert her.’

‘Aye, I see that. It’s a dreadful thing you did to that girl too.’

‘Her father’s beaten her black and blue.’

Greg’s father imagined how the man would feel, how he would react if one of his daughters came home with the news she was with child. God, it didn’t bear thinking about.

But what of his son? Should he allow him to come here, flaunting his sin for all to see, showing a bad example to his siblings and further heartache for Maria?

‘Your mother and me have talked this over, Greg,’ he said. ‘You are right, you must marry this Nancy, but we don’t want to see either her or you ever again.’

‘What are you saying, Dad?’

‘I’m saying you are not welcome here. Go back to England, do your duty by this girl and sever connections with your home. As far as your mother and me are concerned, by your actions and for the grave hurt you have caused a great deal of people, you can no longer regard yourself as a son of ours.’

Greg almost staggered from the room. He could scarcely believe the words his father had spoken. He’d always thought whatever he did, or said, they’d always love him, forgive him and welcome him. He’d never envisaged a time when he might be estranged from his parents—disagree with them, certainly, but exiled from home, never.

For Christ’s sake, he was their eldest son. He sought out his mother, but her eyes were cold, her face set as she looked at him. ‘I thought your father had spoken to you.’

‘He has, Mom.’

‘Well then?’

‘I thought-’

‘You thought I would be different. Let me tell you, Greg, you have cut me to the quick and I am engulfed with shame for the wrong you have done Maria and also, to a lesser extent, the piece you are marrying. Do you think I want you here after that, your brothers emulating you and your sisters thinking this is the way to behave? No, Greg. You made your bed and now you must lie in it. You can have one day here to get over the travelling and tomorrow you go back, and I don’t want to see, or hear from you again.’

‘Mom—’

‘It’s my last word on the subject.’

The ring plopped through the letterbox, the day after Greg left. Greg’s mother opened the envelope and held the ring in the palm of her hand. She cried for Maria and the dream that had come crashing down on her head.

Knowing none of this, Maria skulked about the house for the first few days after seeing Greg, terrified of bumping into him.

Each day she’d wake with a heavy heart after a fitful sleep. It was as if she’d fallen into a pit of sadness and it tainted everything she did and said. Food tasted like sawdust, though the lump in her throat prevented her eating anything much. Never was she more glad of work, glad of the chatter of the girls that covered her own silence, and glad of the weary feeling after work, though she knew weariness alone didn’t necessarily signify a decent night’s sleep

She was worried which Mass Greg would attend on Sunday and she slipped into the one at nine o’clock, and looked around surreptitiously, but she was seen by one of Greg’s sisters. None of Greg’s brothers or sisters had been told about Greg, but they all knew. By eavesdropping on the raised voices, they’d put two and two together and, if there should be any doubt, one of them found the ring in the envelope that their mother had stuck behind the clock on the mantelpiece.

Now, that same girl, Josephine, sidled up to Maria as soon as the Mass was over, guessing why she was so edgy. ‘Greg’s gone,’ she said, with any preamble.

‘Gone! So soon?’

‘Well, banished is more the word.’

‘Banished!’

‘There was a terrific row,’ Josephine said. ‘We all know that our Greg did the dirty on you and none of us were too pleased with him. But Daddy and Mammy were furious. They told him to go and not come back, and none of us now are allowed to speak his name.’

Maria wondered if she had it in her heart to feel sorry for Greg, for she knew he cared for his family, but she felt nothing, as if his sister was talking about some stranger she hardly knew. It didn’t make her feel any better, but it meant she could stop looking over her shoulder every five minutes.

‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘Please give your parents my regards.’

“S all right,’ Josephine said. ‘We all like you. You could still come. Mammy and Daddy would love to see you.’

But that time was linked to Greg, visiting the parents of the man Maria intended spending the rest of her life with. ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea,’ she said, ‘but thanks anyway.’

The following day in the chapel of St George’s Barracks, a sad little group gathered. Greg looked tall and handsome in his uniform, but Nancy was dishevelled, her face still discoloured and awash with tears, her eyes red-rimmed and her hair piled untidily on her head. But in front of her, for all to see, that no dress could hide, was the swell of her pregnancy.

The priest—Greg had insisted on a priest so that their marriage would be recognised in the Catholic Church—was a bit nervous of Nancy’s belligerent father, sitting glaring at his daughter in the front row. He wanted the marriage over speedily and was glad neither had plumped for nuptial Mass. In a matter of minutes, Nancy was Mrs Hopkins.

She thought it made little difference. Greg was going overseas, so she was going back to live at home with the father, who had terrorised them all since babyhood.

However, Greg wasn’t frightened of the man. He rather despised him as he would any who would hit a woman, and now he intended to see to it that marriage to him would protect her.

‘There’s to be no more heavy stuff,’ he told Nancy’s father sternly. ‘Never raise your hand to Nancy again, or you’ll have me to deal with. She is my wife now and not your responsibility.’

‘You young—’

‘There is nothing to be gained by calling me names,’ Greg snapped. ‘As soon as we can, we’ll get a place of our own, but until then, please treat Nancy with respect.’

There was a lot more Nancy’s father could have said, but looking Greg up and down he changed his mind and instead made do with a glare before leading his wife away.

Nancy’s eyes were shining. No one had ever stood up to her father before. ‘Oh, Greg,’ she breathed. ‘Oh, I love you so. I know you don’t feel the same and I’m sorry you’ve been pushed into this.’

Greg suddenly felt sorry for the girl for the shabby wedding with the reluctant bridegroom, and he drew Nancy into his arms. ‘I can’t say I love you,’ he said, for he thought she deserved honesty. ‘But I can say I like you, and like you a great deal. I knew what I was doing the last time I slept with you. Between us we have created a baby, part of you and part of me, and for that I could love you. I’m sure when we are a proper family and have some place to call our own, then we will be happy together.’