Innocence

I’m completely paralysed. ‘No!’

‘Why not?’

‘I can’t!’

‘Then kill yourself!’ Boyd’s circling me, fencing me in. ‘Go on! Do it! Those are the choices—him or you!’

‘I can’t!’ I feel trapped, panicky. ‘I can’t do either!’

‘So say it! Start!’

To be or not to be: that is the question: Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep: No more; and, by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish’d.

‘That’s it! Keep going!’

I press on, the language coming fast and easy now. The speech that five minutes ago had seemed like a nightmare of dragging time, tumbles out with a new urgency.

To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause. There’s the respect That makes calamity of so long life; For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, The oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely, The pangs of despised love, the law’s delay, The insolence of office, and the spurns That patient merit of the unworthy takes, When he himself might his quietus make With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear, To grunt and sweat under a weary life, But that the dread of something after death, The undiscover’d country from whose bourn No traveller returns, puzzles the will, And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of? Thus conscience does make cowards of us all; And thus the native hue of resolution Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought, And enterprises of great pith and moment With this regard their currents turn awry, And lose the name of action.

Before I know it, it’s over; done. And for the first time I feel as if I’m in control, driving the words forward instead of racing to catch up. It’s an exhilarating, intoxicating sensation—like being behind the wheel of powerful sports car. I wasn’t sure I could do it. And now I want to do it again.

Boyd’s rocking back on his heels. ‘Well, that’s more like it!’

The door to the studio creaks open and Robbie, still wearing last night’s clothes and clutching a takeaway coffee, tries to steal in.

Boyd swirls round. ‘Ahh! An Ophelia! My, my! You’ve definitely been picking the wrong sorts of herbs! And what’s this?’ He plucks the coffee cup from her hand, tosses the plastic lid to one side and slurps loudly. ‘Mmm! Milk and sugar! Perfect for a hangover, wouldn’t you say?’

She smiles uncertainly and I retreat to my seat.

Wrapping a paternal arm round her shoulders, he leads her gently into the centre of the room. ‘Let me explain to you how this one goes. You can be late but you’d better be good. If you’re crap, you’d better make certain that in future you’re on time. So my dear (and, by the way, it’s nice to know I’m not the only person in London who takes personal hygiene with a pinch of salt), I’d very much like to hear your audition speech.’

He gives her his wickedest grin.

She, in turn, looks uneasily at the floor.

Silence extends in all directions; an excruciating, awkward vacuum of embarrassment. I feel for Robbie—wish that I could rescue her. But instead, the best I can do is look away, as if it’s kinder to ignore her as she stands there, staring at the space between her feet as the moments drag by.

Then, very slowly, she lifts her head. Her eyes meet his. And when she speaks, her voice is languid, almost drunk.

i like my body when it is with your body. It is so quite new a thing. Muscles better and nerves more. i like your body, i like what it does, i like its hows. i like to feel the spine of your body and its bones, and the trembling firm-smooth ness and which I will again and again and again kiss, i like kissing this and that of you, i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz of your electric fur, and what-is-it-comes over parting flesh…And eyes big love crumbs, and possibly [a smile plays on her lips] i like the thrill of under me you so quite new

The room is silent.

She reaches across and removes the coffee cup from Boyd’s hand and, winking, takes a sip.

No one dares move.

‘And with that, ladies and gentlemen,’ he says at last, ‘I think it’s time for a cigarette.’

As the studio drains of students, Robbie sits down next to me. I turn to her, stunned. ‘I thought you said you were shit!’

She grins. ‘Oh, I can make a scene, if that’s what you want. Now, on to more important matters. Who here thinks I should fuck the teacher?’ She giggles and raises her hand.

Imo’s practically apoplectic with indignation. ‘My God, Robbie! He’s only about eighty! That’s 50 gross!’ she hisses. ‘Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?’

Robbie sighs wistfully. ‘But he’s sexy! Besides, our Mr Chicken doesn’t know his penis from his pancreas. Or my tits from my tonsils. Or, for that matter…’

‘Oh please!’ Imogene stalks off, hands pressed over her ears.

I shake my head. ‘Bad Robbie. Down, girl.’

‘Oh, Evie!’ She leans her head against my shoulder, stifling a yawn. ‘But being good is so boring! And besides, I’m ever such a long way from home.’

Boyd walks over and sits down. ‘Good work today’ he says, tapping me on the knee.

I look at him in amazement. ‘But I completely fucked up!’

‘What you did took courage and balls. Anyone who wants to be an actor has to get used to making a prize prat of themselves. And in my experience the bigger the talent, the bigger the flops. But it paid off, in the end…didn’t it?’

My whole insides warm with pride.

‘And you.’ He turns his attention to Robbie. ‘I’m a big fan of e.e.cummings but I’m willing to wager that’s just a little something you pull out of your back pocket any time you don’t fancy paying for your own drinks.’

To my surprise, Robbie’s pale cheeks are bright red. I thought nothing could faze her.

‘Don’t waste my time,’ he continues. ‘This isn’t a nightclub in Soho and I’m not, despite appearances, a casting agent for the European porn industry. And next time,’ he adds, standing up and reclaiming the coffee, ‘go easy on the sugar.’

That night, watching Top of the Pops and eating a supper of boiled rice, soy sauce and Singapore slings, Robbie composes her list of things to do. She’s possessed, pacing the living room and waving her fork in the air.

‘First off, girls, we need to get Evie here into Juilliard!’

‘Guess that rules out my famous Hamlet speech.’

She ignores me. ‘Second, we need to get Imo laid. Preferably with the homo, so a real challenge, that one.’

‘Hey!’ Imo comes to life from the depths of the sofa, where she’s been lying comatose for almost an hour, staring at George Michael dancing around in a pair of tennis shorts, singing ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go’. ‘Why am I second?’

‘Because’—Robbie pauses to take another sip of her drink—‘Juilliard will change Evie’s whole life, whereas getting laid with Mr Nancy Pants will pretty much leave you back where you started.’

‘Oh.’ She leans back again, apparently satisfied but more than likely just pissed.

‘And lastly, we need to devise a way that I can impress the new love of my life, Mr Boyd Alexander.’

‘Try turning up on time.’ I flick a forkful of rice at her.

‘No heckling! I’m on a roll! Now, how can we do this? What we need is an event…something sophisticated, sexy…something where we can all dress up and look fabulous!’

‘You’re blocking the television.’ Imo waves her out of the way. ‘I like George Michael.’

Robbie shakes her head. ‘What is it with you and gay men?’

‘Oh, no! I’m not buying that for one second! That’s definitely one guy who’s straight!’

‘He’s a babe,’ I agree, drenching my rice in soy sauce.

Robbie freezes. ‘I’ve got it! We’ll throw a dinner party!’

‘Do you think it makes any difference that none of us can cook?’ Imo turns to me. ‘Sauce, please.’

Robbie does a little pirouette, the contents of her drink splashing over the sides of her glass. ‘Leave it all to me! Why do you girls always think so small? Don’t you understand? We have the power to be anyone or anything we want! The chance to change our whole lives in the blink of an eye! Anything is possible! Nothing can defeat the House of Chekhov! We will go to Moscow, I tell you! We will!’

I pass the soy sauce to Imo. ‘From Russia with love.’

Robbie drapes herself into one of the large leather chairs, sighing with satisfaction at the perfection of her own plan. ‘You know,’ she muses, unfazed by the fact that we’re not really paying any attention to her, ‘I can’t wait to be famous. I really can’t. I just know I’m going to be good at it.’ And she leans back, her face a picture of contentment and easy, unruffled anticipation.

‘Don’t you love the word naughty?’ she continues, swilling her drink around like character in a Noël Coward play. ‘I mean, the way the English use it? Even the way they say the word naughty is naughty’

Imo and I are transfixed by Duran Duran’s latest video in a way that prevents anything more than just shallow breathing.

‘Well, I love it,’ Robbie whispers, half to us, but mostly to herself. ‘I can’t think of anything more exciting than to be poised on the brink of committing acts of great daring and huge potential naughtiness.’

I’m late. It’s quarter past nine already and I’m still not out of the door. For the fifteenth time I examine myself in the full-length mirror of my wardrobe and attempt to readjust the little scrap of pale pink and blue silk Bunny gave me for my birthday. I try to tweak it with the same quick, sharp flick of the wrist I’ve seen Bunny and Ally use so many times to great effect, but the result is unpromising. I look like an airline hostess. For Air Kazakhstan.

I don’t wear scarves; I never have. So why am I wasting precious time today playing with one that, until ten minutes ago, was firmly (if discreetly) headed for Oxfam?

I’ve lost my books. My room, normally a haven of cleanliness and order, has suddenly erupted into a full-blown mess. I can’t find my papers. I tried to change my handbag to something slightly smaller and chicer, and now have a purse I can’t close, exploding with a selection of strange objects—mentholated breath mints, coloured pens, boxes of half-eaten raisins for Alex…The bed has all but disappeared; covered with piles of rejected clothes, the floor with unread sections of the Sunday Times; I stub my toe on one of Alex’s transformer toys (a bright red superhero which morphs into insect/vehicle) and hop around, clutching it and swearing, and then realize my tights have run…

And I’m forced to conclude that there is no point to having extra time. I’m one of the women who don’t know what to do with it anymore. In fact, the whole day runs much more smoothly if I have no time to think, feel, or deviate in any way from my set routine. Women’s magazines are always pontificating about the emotional rewards of luxurious baths, long walks, stolen hours spent reading or meditating or just being, whatever that may be. But what they don’t allow for are women like me, who simply panic if given an extra twenty minutes in the morning; whose fragile balance of identity can no longer negotiate a world filled with unanticipated freedom in any form without transforming it immediately into an obstacle course of right and wrong choices.

All because Ally took Alex to school today.

Enough. The twenty minutes are long gone now and I’m late again anyway. Part of me is relieved to default to my normal panic stations mode. And as I tear the silk scarf off my neck, fling the contents of the cute handbag back into the enormous canvas holdall that’s normally welded to my arm and shove my feet into a pair of black, stretchy pull-on boots which cover all sorts of leg-wear disasters and have for years and probably will for years to come, I feel the comforting rush of adrenalin through my veins. Better the chaos you know.

I force myself to leave my bedroom, averting my eyes to the mayhem I’m leaving behind (there’s no time, there’s no time, the voice chants over and over in my head) and head downstairs, throwing myself down each flight of steps as quickly as possible. When I reach the bottom, I stop abruptly.

Is that cigarette smoke? Thick, heavy, unmistakable, emanating from the drawing room?

I push open the tall double doors. It’s empty; radiant with sunlight. I’d forgotten that it caught the morning sun or that it was so pleasant; so elegant and inviting. It’s been weeks since I’ve seen it in anything but darkness.

But still the smell persists.

I move around the radius of the room.

Next to the marble fireplace, a Louis-Quatorze chair and a small round table sit, basking in a square of warm light. The chair bears the imprint of a curled figure on its seat and one of Bunny’s treasured collection of Halcyon Days enamel boxes is open; a small pile of ashes cooling in the lid.

‘It’s bad for you, you know’

I spin round. Piotr is standing in the doorway. He’s just woken up, his dark hair looks particularly Byronic, his beard unshaven. He’s wearing jeans and a T-shirt but his feet are bare.

‘It isn’t me,’ I assure him quickly. (There’s no way of saying that without sounding instantly guilty.) Tilting the ashes out into the palm of my hand, I replace the lid. ‘I don’t know who it is. None of us smokes.’

He digs his hands into his jeans pockets. ‘It’s OK.’ He grins; his eyes are almost amber in the daylight. ‘I won’t tell your dreadful secret.’

‘No, but it really wasn’t me!’ I insist. ‘I don’t smoke. Ever!’

He raises an eyebrow. ‘And yet you’re holding a handful of ashes.’

I pause. There’s that strange feeling again, the same sudden rush of transparency I had last night. ‘I found them,’ I say, avoiding his gaze.

‘I see.’ He stretches his long arms above his head, turning to run his fingers gently through the crystals of the hallway chandelier. A thousand rainbows appear.

‘You don’t believe me, do you?’ I follow him out. This is too unfair and irritating. ‘Do you honestly think I secretly sneak ciggies in Bunny’s front room, flick the ashes into one of her precious porcelain trinkets and then lie about it when I’m in danger of getting caught?’

He tilts his head. ‘Why not?’

‘Why not?’ I sound like a parrot. ‘Why not? Because it’s…because it’s naughty!’

I flinch. I can’t believe I’ve just used that word in adult conversation.

Apparently, neither can he. ‘You’re a funny woman!’ He laughs, rocking back on his heels. ‘I haven’t met anyone like you in a long time!’

I don’t even want to know what this means.

‘I really don’t smoke,’ I add dejectedly but it only makes him laugh harder.

‘I’m making tea,’ he says at last, rubbing his eyes and pulling himself together. ‘Black tea. With sugar.’

Is this an invitation?

‘You do drink tea, don’t you? Or’—he can barely contain himself—‘I could just put it out on the table and then turn my back and if it should happen to go missing…’

He’s off again.

‘I’m late,’ I say, not moving; not quite sure what to do with the ashes in my hand. ‘I should’ve left ten minutes ago…and will you please stop laughing at me!’ This seems to be a trend today.

The phone rings.

He holds his hands up. ‘OK! OK!’

It rings again.

‘Excuse me.’ I stride purposefully across the hall to where the phone sits on a narrow table. ‘Hello?’

‘Oh, hello! Who is this?’

It’s Melvin Bert, the Head of Drama at the City Lit. The rounded, plummy tones of his Eton education are unmistakable. My throat constricts instantly, as a hand tightens into a fist.

‘Melvin it’s me: Evie Garlick.’

‘How extraordinary! I…I was certain I’d dialled someone else…’ He pauses. ‘But…but now that I’m through to you, I think you might do just as well…’

I shake my head.

Piotr nods. Crossing, he takes my hand gently by the wrist and tips the ashes into his palm. He smiles, his fingers warm against my skin.

He disappears down the steps into the kitchen.

I yank my concentration back. ‘What can I do for you, Melvin?’

‘Well, the truth is, Edie…’ He’s never known my name. In the three years that I’ve worked for him, I’ve failed to register in any lasting way on his memory. ‘I need someone to take over Ingrid Davenport’s class on the three-year acting course. She’s been offered something at the National and, at her age, she really has to have a run at it!’

Ingrid’s only fifty. But Melvin, despite his professional career administrating in the dramatic arts, has never been an actor. It continues to baffle him that anyone over the age of thirty would be interested in acting professionally when they could have a nice, comfortable job teaching instead. ‘As I said, I was originally going to ask Sheila but, now that I’ve got you on the phone…’ His voice trails off, ripe with possibility.

This is a rare and exceptional opportunity: a chance to move out of the lower depths of teaching pensioners and night students; to pull myself into the proper, professionally accredited three-year drama course. Maybe even to direct. My heart surges with excitement. And terror.

All I need to do is to say something. Anything at all.

‘Well, Melvin.’ I take a deep breath, determined not to betray my nerves. ‘That’s a…an interesting offer…May I ask what times she teaches?’

There’s the sound of him riffling through papers. ‘Let’s see…yes, the first years are from eleven until one, then the third years are from two until four thirty. She has private tutorials on Wednesday afternoons until six thirty’

He pauses; a sharp, abrupt full stop. It shrieks for some sort of decisive, enthusiastic response. A clock ticks away in my head.

‘Oh.’ My mind’s reeling. ‘It’s just, you see, my son is still in school,’ I fumble, thinking out loud, ‘and…I…I…’

God! Pull yourself together!

‘Let me think…’ I stall, ‘he’s usually out by three…’

Melvin sighs indulgently. The clock ticks louder.

‘I need to get from Drury Lane to St John’s Wood before he…you know…’

I can’t even finish a sentence! There’s no way I’m capable of taking over Ingrid’s workload.

‘Melvin, I don’t think it’s going to work for me right now. I have to be available and…his schedule’s very tricky at the moment…’

What am I doing? What I am saying?

‘Yes, yes, of course. I understand.’ I can hear him tapping his pen. ‘Well, it was just on the off chance.’ He can’t wait to get me off the line.

Suddenly I’m desperate again. ‘Oh, of course! I mean, if you want someone to fill in just for a few days or something…I mean, if there’s anything I can do…’

‘Yes, I’ll keep you in mind,’ he says briskly. ‘Take care, Edie.’

And the line goes dead.

I hang up.

Turning, I catch sight of myself in the antique looking-glass hanging at the bottom of the stairs. A dim, filmy shadow clouds its surface like a phantom, compromising its clarity. Even the elaborate gilt frame can’t redeem its grey face.

There I am, diffuse and uncertain, blinking back at myself. A wave of self-loathing engulfs me.

I’ve done it again.

Every time I’m close to getting somewhere, I back away from the edge of the cliff.

I’ve lost my taste for heights. But I don’t know where or when it happened.

‘Don’t you miss your boyfriend?’ Robbie’s lying on her back on my bed, staring at the ceiling and dangling her legs in the air. She never spends any time in her own room at all, which is just as well, considering what a sty it is.

I’m unpacking my books; stacks of play texts and anthologies I’ve lugged all the way from the States. ‘Yeah, sure. But we talk a lot, so that helps.’

She looks at me. ‘No, I mean, don’t you miss him?’

My face flushes. ‘Yes. I suppose.’

‘Nice to know you’re human, Evie Rose Garlick!’ She gives my ponytail a tug. ‘Hey! I’ve been thinking. There’s this great Fassbinder speech I think you should have a look at.’ She swings her legs round and sits up. ‘I’ll be right back.’

She pads off to her room.

‘Look at for what?’ There are no shelves. I pile my books from largest to smallest against the wall.

They fall over.

‘For Juilliard!’ I can hear her sifting through the chaos.

I start again. Two piles this time.

‘I already have my pieces.’

She appears in the doorway, holding a battered volume. ‘But just look at this!’ She flings herself back on to the bed. ‘It’s amazing! Here. Read it out loud. You’ll love it!’

I take the book. It smells musty, like she stole it from a library. ‘Which one?’

‘“The Model.’”

‘“Sometimes I like to fondle myself…’” I look up, shocked. ‘This is all about…about masturbating, Robbie!’

She claps her hands in glee. ‘Isn’t it amazing? It’s so sexy and raw! If you did that for Juilliard, they’d be floored, Evie! Nobody does that speech!’

‘But it’s…disgusting!’ I say, unable to stop reading.

‘It’s Fassbinder. It’s meant to be shocking. And you’re so cute. You come across like such a good little girl…it would be amazing to turn the tables like this!’

‘I’m sorry’ I shut the book and hand it back to her. ‘I can’t do that speech.’

‘What are you talking about? You’re an actress, aren’t you? What’s wrong with it?’

I open my wardrobe doors. ‘It’s so…so, overt! And …tasteless, Robbie!’ Picking up my laundry bag, I shake my clean clothes onto the floor. ‘I’d be too embarrassed to say those things!’

‘But that’s why you’re an actress, right? So you can say all sorts of shit you normally wouldn’t! Anyway, don’t you ever get yourself off?’

‘Stop it!’ I fold the pieces roughly. ‘And I’m not telling you anyway!’

She shrugs her shoulders. ‘Why not? I do. Everybody does. I have the most fantastic, big, black, rubber vibrator. Want to see it?’

‘No! I don’t want to see it!’

‘Want to borrow it?’

‘No! I really don’t!’ This is the pile for ironing. ‘Stop it! You’re being disgusting!’

‘So, what do you use? The shower head?’ She looks around the room. ‘A candle?’

‘Robbie!’ I pick up my ironing and march into the kitchen.

She follows. Obviously, she enjoys winding me up.

‘Come on, Evie! Give!’ She hauls herself up on top of the kitchen counter, oblivious to the piles of washing up. She watches as I struggle to open the ironing board. ‘What do you dream of? Two guys at once? Two girls at once? Dogs?’ She bangs her feet against the cabinets like a naughty child. ‘You country girls are the worst!’

‘I don’t do any of that.’ I yank up the ironing board. It balances precariously. Then collapses again.

‘Humm.’ She rubs her chin. ‘I know! Horses! Like Catherine the Great!’

‘Stop it, Robbie!’ I’m becoming upset. ‘I mean it.’

‘I’ll bet you have a thing for big burly black boys…or maybe some sort of pervy incest thing…oh, Daddy and all of that…nothing wrong with that, mind you.’

‘I’m serious! Please! I don’t want to talk about this!’ Pulling the board up again, I wrestle it into position.

‘That’s it, isn’t it! You’re a Daddy’s girl, aren’t you!’

‘Robbie…’ I want her to stop.

‘Oh, look, Daddy!’ She puts on a little girl voice. ‘I’ve grown out of my training bra!’

‘Robbie!’ I turn away.

‘Are you crying?’