Hard to Love

Once in the kitchen, I slid a coffee pod into the one-cup maker, the most used appliance in my kitchen since I rarely bothered to cook for one. I couldn’t help but think back to the previous night, or more specifically, about Cade. Well, I was actually thinking of a certain part of his anatomy more than I was anything else, and giggled to myself. I’d seen a lot of strange things working the midnight shift in the emergency room, but that was one of the more memorable.

He was undeniably attractive, and that was even before I saw the python he was packing in his pants. He was tall and ridiculously toned from head to toe, with a rugged face and strong jaw line. His nose had a slight ridge that indicated it had probably been broken at some point, and those rich chocolate eyes of his had been surrounded by thick, dark lashes.

He’d had the strangest effect on me. I’d never been attracted to a patient. Ever. It was my job, and I rarely noticed details about the actual person. That statement sounded harsh, but I saw the people who came in and out of the hospital as clinical objects. I only noticed the details I needed to do my job—like where there best vein line was to start an IV or draw blood, or calculating meds based on weight—standard things like that. But with him, I couldn’t focus on what I needed to. Instead, I noticed how his dark eyes followed my every movement, the thickness of the vein running up the length of his shaft, and the tension in his body at his obvious discomfort. I also noticed the tattoo peeking out from the collar of his T-shirt as if crawling up his neck. I wanted to see the rest of it, even if the mere thought of that made my tummy erupt in nerves. And I knew he could tell how frazzled I was with that annoying amused smirk tugging at his lips.

When the doorbell chimed, I jogged to the intercom panel to buzz in MacKenzie and Tyson. I opened my apartment door and found MacKenzie marching up the stairs, a brown paper sack filled with liquor bottles in one hand and a plastic container in the other. Tyson was carrying a bouquet of pink roses. Tyson was like a brother to me, but I wasn’t sure we were always on the same page.

I’d made Kenzie promise me no big party, just the three of us going out and enjoying a few cocktails, and so far it appeared she’d kept her end of the bargain.

‘Our baby girl’s growing up, Ty!’ MacKenzie squealed and pulled me in for a hug. I patted her back and pulled away for some personal space. I wasn’t the best hugger in the world. Tyson laughed and navigated around us, entering my apartment. He knew better than to try and hug me after I went completely stiff in his arms the one and only time he’d attempted it.

‘Thanks for the roses,’ I called to his back as he made his way into my kitchen to fetch a vase. He’d spent enough time in my apartment to know where everything was. Heck, I think he knew my apartment better than I did. Once I called him to ask how to clean my hair out of the clogged shower drain and he informed me I had a bottle of drain cleaner under the sink in the kitchen. He was good to me, and so was MacKenzie. She often forced me out of my shell, which, however painful at times, was good for me too.

MacKenzie took over the kitchen island, extracting various bottles of alcohol and mixers from her bag. Ty got the glasses and filled them with ice, while I stood and watched.

‘What’s in here?’ I poked at the lid of the shallow plastic pan, expecting it to hold a cake.

‘Jell-O shots,’ MacKenzie answered, smiling. ‘Try one.’

I pulled off the lid and set it aside. The pan was filled with small plastic shot glasses that contained a rainbow of jellied concoctions. They certainly looked inviting. I selected a green one and tipped it up to my mouth, but the gelatinous mass remained firmly planted inside the cup.

MacKenzie laughed and glanced at Tyson. ‘Teach her how, Ty. I forgot we had a Jell-O-shot virgin on our hands.’ She measured two shots of clear liquor and dumped them over a glass full of ice, mixing the drink like it was second nature.

Ty smiled and rounded the island to stand next to me. ‘Stick out your tongue.’

I narrowed my eyes at him.

He chuckled. ‘Just do it.’

I complied and he brought the cup to my mouth, showing me how to swirl my tongue around the edge of it to loosen the Jell-O until it slipped out of the cup and into my mouth.

‘Mmm. Green Apple?’ I asked.

Ty wiped away a smear of Jell-O from my bottom lip and licked it from his finger.

MacKenzie nodded. ‘Yep. And here’s your birthday drink.’

It was pink and bubbly. I took a sip and found it surprisingly refreshing. You could hardly taste the vodka shots I’d seen her dump in. It was grapefruity and delish. ‘Thanks.’

Once we all had drinks, courtesy of MacKenzie, Ty grabbed the pan of Jell-O shots and we made our way into the living room to sit in the center of my cream-colored shaggy rug.

‘We need music.’ MacKenzie opened my laptop and my heart nearly stopped. I leapt from my seat in an effort to stop her from seeing what she was about to see, but I was too late.

‘Holy shit!’

My cheeks flamed as I remembered what I’d last used the computer for—I’d typed in the address for the porn website from the business card when I got home and searched until I found Cade’s pictures.

‘What is it?’ Ty asked, peeking around MacKenzie’s His face scrunched in disgust. ‘Gah!’ He jumped back from the computer like he’d just been stung.

‘You look at porn, Alexa?’ The surprise in MacKenzie’s voice was unmistakable. ‘I’m not judging, not at all, proud is more like it—I’m just surprised. You’ve always seemed sort of innocent.’

I swallowed and grabbed the laptop from her lap, pulling it onto my own. ‘It’s not what you think.’ I opened my music library and started my playlist of indie-rock, then set the computer aside.

MacKenzie laughed, throwing her head back. ‘Sorry, sweetheart, but that’s gonna require an explanation. I mean, you’ve never taken a Jell-O shot, you were raised by the Waltons, your freaking panty-drawer is organized by color and day of the week. Spill it, babe.’

Tyson glanced up from his drink. ‘You’ve got day-of-the-week underwear? Oh, I’ve gotta see this.’ He stood and wandered down the hall into my bedroom. MacKenzie and I jumped to our feet to follow.

‘Ty!’ I called. ‘Get out of there!’

He chuckled and pulled open the top drawer of my hand-carved, pale-pink dresser. ‘Holy shit, you weren’t kidding, Kenz.’ He lifted a pair of white cotton briefs from the top of the pile and held them up to inspect. ‘Sunday,’ he read the backside, chuckling.

I snatched them from his grasp, tossed them back in the drawer and slammed it shut with my hip. ‘Enough. Out.’ I shooed them from my bedroom. Yes, I bought the packaged cotton undies. They were comfy. Sue me.

MacKenzie stood her ground, blocking the door to my bedroom. ‘Only if you tell us the story of you looking at porn. I bet you don’t even own a sex toy do you?’

‘I’ll tell you.’ I navigated my way around her out into the hallway. But I was so not answering the sex-toy question. Even if Ty was like a brother to us, he was still male, and I wasn’t about to admit that I had a vibrator tucked in the back of my underwear drawer. God, I would have been mortified if they’d found that.

Once we were seated on the living room rug again I downed a few more Jell-O shots to ease my nerves and pulled a throw pillow into my lap. MacKenzie sat across from me, looking smug, leaning back against the sofa.

‘Okay. So last night in the ER…’ I grabbed another shot and slurped down the gelatinous mouthful, needing to fortify myself at the memory of Cade’s erection.

‘How big would you say it was?’ MacKenzie asked once I was through my story, leaning forward with eager curiosity.

‘Ah hell, I’m getting another drink,’ Ty announced, standing to head into the kitchen.

After considering—and rejecting a nearby candlestick and finding nothing else adequate in my living room to showcase the full length of Cade’s manhood, Kenzie and I made our way into the kitchen, giggling at my idea to retrieve a cucumber from the refrigerator.

I reached into the crisper drawer and modeled the large vegetable in front of my crotch. ‘This looks about right.’

MacKenzie took my shoulders, turning me from side to side so I could model it at various angles. ‘Damn. That boy is hung.’

Tyson retreated to the bathroom while MacKenzie and I made our way back into the living room. She hoisted the cucumber proudly over her head, waving it in time with the music, and led the way back to my computer.

MacKenzie settled onto the sofa, the laptop balanced on her knees and I scooted in beside her to…supervise.

‘Click here,’ I told her, pointing to the tab labeled Models. The title had seemed a little strange to me, but I supposed that sounded classier than saying porn stars. The pictures were mostly topless girls posing seductively. MacKenzie scrolled past the photos of the girls. Last night I’d thoroughly inspected each image, wondering if Cade had slept with them, and which he preferred best. All of the girls were thin and tanned with large, fake breasts. I didn’t want to, but my mind had inevitably made comparisons to my own body.

I was of average height, average weight. My breasts were decidedly real, they fell several inches when I removed my bra, and I had far too many freckles to be considered sexy. Pretty, maybe, but certainly not on par with the type of women he usually slept with. But all thoughts of insecurity vanished when I’d spotted Cade’s photo.

‘That’s him.’ I pointed at the photo.

It said his name was Sebastian, but it was definitely Cade. He was standing near a weight bench, gym shorts loose on his narrow hips to show his cut abs and he was smirking like he knew a secret the rest of us didn’t.

‘Damn. He’s fucking hot.’

I giggled. ‘I know.’

MacKenzie clicked on his photo. Though I had spent time last night poring over each one, I couldn’t help but lean forward to join in her inspection. He had a full page of photos. In many of them he was wearing only a pair of black boxer briefs, and then a few where the boxers had been removed and all of him was proudly on display. The tattoo I’d wondered about was a tribal design that covered his left shoulder and crawled up his chest, ending at his neck.

I blushed at the sight of his fully erect cock and heat crept up my chest until I was rosy and warm. I couldn’t help but reminisce about being near Cade in the semi-private hospital room, where I’d been close enough to feel the heat of his skin and smell of the scent of his musky arousal.

MacKenzie scrolled down to the bio beneath the photos. I’d read it last night, but couldn’t resist reading it again over her shoulder. It said he was their newest model, and worked exclusively for their site. The bio claimed he was extremely professional to work with and always focused on making sure the girls felt comfortable. Outside of work he enjoyed working out and listening to rock music. It sounded like a clichéd line of bull, but that didn’t keep me from grasping at every bit of information I could get.

Tyson appeared from the kitchen, this time with a bottle of beer, and sank down on the chair across the room.

‘Ty, you want to see what a real man looks like?’ MacKenzie teased.

I elbowed her side. Tyson was only a few inches taller than me, and had a slight build, but he was cute and I didn’t like her tearing him down. Especially since he regularly caught flack for being one of only a few male nursing students.

‘I get to see that every day, babe. I’m good.’ He polished off the rest of his beer.

MacKenzie closed the laptop. ‘Let’s go out. If I look at any more of these, I’ll bang the first guy I see at the club.’

By the time we arrived, the Jell-O shots had caught up with me. Tyson slipped his arm around my waist and helped me inside. Once we were stationed at the bar, he deposited me safely on a barstool, refused MacKenzie’s request for more shots, and ordered me a beer and a water.

With our drinks in hand, we found a corner booth and slid into the seats.

I slumped back against the seat, resting my head against Ty’s shoulder. ‘What was in these Jell-O thingies? I feel funny.’

MacKenzie laughed. ‘Vodka. I thought you knew Jell-O shots had booze in them.’

Ty grasped my chin, turning my face to his. ‘How many of those did you have, Lex?’

I tried to count and lost track. ‘Um, ten? Twelve?’

‘Shit,’ he said, and took the bottle of beer from my hand, replacing it with the water.

‘Damn it, Kenzie. You said you’d watch out for her tonight.’

MacKenzie waved him off. ‘She’s drunk, not dead, Tyson. Calm down. It’s her twenty-first birthday, and P.S.—you’re not her dad.’ She knocked back a healthy swig of her own drink.

‘Don’t fight, you guys. I’m fine.’ I reached out to pat each of them reassuringly but fumbled. ‘See?’

They both laughed at my lack of coordination.

‘Sometimes I forget how sheltered you are, Alexa. I swear you act like you were raised by the Cleavers, with your day-of-the-week cotton underpants and everything.’ she chuckled.

I sat up straighter in my seat. ‘Just because I’m a virgin to Jell-O shots doesn’t mean anything. Hell, I’m a virgin in every sense—’ I slapped a hand over my mouth. Crap! I hadn’t meant to say that out loud.

MacKenzie grabbed my shoulders. ‘Are you serious right now?’

I nodded, reluctantly. Kenzie’s and Tyson’s faces were both filled with surprise at my revelation. ‘What? It’s not like I’m proud of it. I don’t want to be this way anymore.’

MacKenzie took my hand. ‘Babe, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. But if you do want to get rid of it—it’s not that difficult to do. Your parents did have the birds and bees talk with you, right?’

I grabbed my beer away from Ty and took a fortifying sip. ‘I’m not like you. I couldn’t have a one-night stand.’

‘Well, don’t come crying to me when you find yourself old and living alone with a bunch of cats.’

I took another pull from my bottle, not about to tell her I’d been thinking about getting a cat lately.

‘Leave her alone, Kenzie,’ Tyson said, removing the beer from my grasp yet again. He leaned over to me. ‘If you want me to help you, just let me know.’

MacKenzie swatted Tyson’s hand away from my thigh. ‘No, Ty. I get to help pick him out. Sort of a birthday present.’ She smiled.

I rolled my eyes, blowing off their suggestions. I was not picking out a random guy to sleep with on my twenty-first birthday. And I sure as hell wasn’t sleeping with Tyson. Gah! Could you imagine? He’s like a brother to me.

‘Oh my God! Alexa, look.’ MacKenzie pointed across the bar. ‘It’s the guy from the website.’

Chapter 3

Cade

I sat at the bar nursing a beer, lost in my thoughts.

‘You want a nipple on that bottle, man? Stop being a little bitch and drink up,’ Ian said, knocking back his own beer in a few swallows.

I shot him a warning look. ‘Don’t fuck with me tonight, I’m not in the mood.’ I’d been hell-bent on getting drunk tonight, needing a few hours’ peace from the worry that constantly followed me around, but somehow I was failing even at that. ‘Lily’s latest surgery bill came.’

‘Sorry, man.’ Ian tipped his beer, clinking the bottle against mine. ‘Let me know if I can help.’

I nodded. I’d never ask him for help, and we both knew it, but still, just that he offered meant a lot. Ian and I had been friends since the eighth grade when I moved here to live with my grandparents. He knew all about my sister Lily, and the condition that left her poor little spine and legs tangled and twisted. After my parents’ three-strikes-you’re-out meth bust that landed them both in prison when she was three, and my grandparents each passing within a year after that, I’d had sole custody of her. She was six now and a sassy little thing that didn’t know the meaning of the word disabled. It was one of the many things I loved about that little girl. But her care wasn’t cheap, which left me constantly worrying about money.

Ian, a lifelong martial-arts enthusiast, had introduced me to cage fighting a couple of years ago. It was a perfect fit. The opportunity to earn fast money and take out my pent-up aggression all at once. But it wasn’t enough. And then my latest dumbass venture came along. Rick had approached both Ian and I, but I was the only one hard up enough for cash to consider it. Or the only one dumb enough, take your pick. Ian knew I was working for Rick, but didn’t want any of the details, so of course I hadn’t mentioned my late-night visit to the ER.

After getting the bill for Lily’s latest surgery, I realized it wasn’t just a well-paying job I needed, it was one that came with health insurance, too. But if I could stick it out and film even a couple of videos, I’d have more than enough to pay the bill. Then I could focus on cleaning up my act and getting a real job, for Lily’s sake.

Realizing I was lost in my thoughts again, Ian cleared his throat. ‘Stop stressing, bro. You get plenty of that during the week. We haven’t been out in God knows how long, and since you have a babysitter for Lil tonight, we need to make good use of this time.’

‘Yeah? And how do we do that?’ Hitting the gym for a late workout session, followed by a hot shower and my bed sounded like a perfectly good use of my time. I didn’t even think I was capable of catching a buzz at the moment.

‘For starters, we need to make getting some pussy priority number one.’

I shook my head, not about to explain to him that tomorrow I’d be getting plenty of that on set. And with that bill hanging over my head, I sure as shit needed to perform this time.

Ian tipped his head toward a booth across the room. ‘And I think you’re in luck, bro. Those girls over there are staring at you.’

I turned from the bar, drawing my beer up to my lips as I scanned the room. With a jolt of surprise, I spotted the pretty little nurse from the other night, seated in a booth with a couple of friends.

What the hell?

The other woman at the table waved me over.

‘Do you know them?’ he asked.

‘Yeah. Sorta.’ I threw a few bills on the counter and told Ian I’d see him later. I sauntered over to where they sat.

‘Hey there, sexy,’ Alexa’s friend said, trailing her fingers down my forearm. ‘Saw your website. That shit was hot.’

My eyes flew to Alexa’s. She’d told her friends about what I did? And what… Googled me? ‘Alexa?’

She blushed and bit her bottom lip. ‘Hi Cade.’

She wasn’t even going to deny it? I supposed I had to get used to the fact that pictures of my cock were splashed all over the Internet, and that videos would soon follow. I had a film shoot tomorrow that I had to get through. I’d given Rick a piece of my mind about hiring girls that looked so young, and he promised he’d pair me with Mollie, an experienced pro I was sure to love, if I gave it another shot.

‘Have a seat, Cade. Or is it Sebastian?’ Alexa’s friend asked. ‘I’m MacKenzie by the way, and this is Tyson.’ She motioned to the guy seated with them. He gave me a weak smile, looking just as uncomfortable as I was.

I remained standing. ‘Call me Cade.’

Alexa’s gaze travelled down the length of my chest and stomach, stopping just below my belt buckle. I couldn’t help the smirk that tugged at my mouth, and she knew she had just been caught. She let out a huff of breath, folded her arms on the table and lay her head down to rest.

‘Is she drunk?’ I slid in next to her.

MacKenzie nodded, proudly. ‘Yep. It’s her twenty-first birthday.’

‘Happy birthday.’

Alexa peeked one eye open and looked up at me. ‘Thanks,’ she grumbled before letting her eyes fall closed again.

‘Perfect timing,’ MacKenzie said, leaning forward on her elbows. ‘We were just discussing Lex’s birthday present.’

Alexa roused from her sleepy state and slapped a hand over MacKenzie’s mouth. ‘No, Kenz.’

MacKenzie dutifully removed Alexa’s hand and squeezed it, before placing it on the table. ‘Hush. You should be thanking me right now. You see, Alexa here is a virgin, and what better birthday present than to lose her virginity to someone skilled at giving female pleasure? I mean, you do this for a living.’ She kicked up an eyebrow. ‘Right?’

I pulled back a swig of my beer. Was she fucking kidding me? ‘Well, yeah, I might know a thing or two about that…’ I took another mouthful from my bottle to shut myself up. I mean, sure, nobody had ever complained before, but that didn’t mean I was the hotshot porn star they saw on the website. Except they all thought I was. Hell.

Alexa looked up and met my gaze, her eyes wide with curiosity. Christ. She couldn’t look at me like that, or I wasn’t going to be able to hold it together.

Even though I believed it, I had a hard time understanding how she could still be a virgin on her twenty-first birthday. She was beautiful, pure and innocent. Her hair flowed in soft curls over her shoulders, resting just at the top of her full breasts. She was fucking perfection, and she didn’t even know it. Her skin looked so soft, I wanted to reach across the table and stroke my thumb along her cheek just to prove to myself that it couldn’t possibly be as soft as it looked. I settled instead for taking another drink. At this rate, I was going to need another beer really soon.

MacKenzie raised her glass in the air, as if to toast herself. ‘Best idea ever!’ She signaled the waitress and asked for a round of shots for the table. ‘Patron okay?’

I nodded my indifference. Mostly I just wanted to know what Alexa was thinking right at that moment and what exactly she had told her friends about me.

The shots arrived and I took the glass from Alexa’s fumbling fingertips. ‘No more for you, cupcake.’ I downed both my shot and hers, one after the other, the liquor burning on its way down.

She pouted, and took a sip of the water I pushed in front of her. But as we watched each other, her lips parted and her breaths grew faster. She leaned forward in interest, a shaky smile on her lips that grew bolder with each passing second. A bark of laughter from her friend Tyson surprised us all. ‘Are you fucking kidding me? This guy? No. Alexa, if you’re really going to do this, it should be me. Not some guy you don’t even know, who probably has God-knows-what kind of diseases.’

Alexa swallowed visibly. As insane as this idea was, it was her decision. I forced my mouth shut, and kept my face composed. A low wave of nerves rolling through my stomach told me I wanted this—I wanted her—more than I had any right to.

‘Okay,’ she squeaked. ‘Just let me think.’ She pressed her fingers to her temples.

An unexpected surge of protectiveness sprung up inside me, and I found myself holding my breath.

MacKenzie shook her head. ‘Lex, please, please, I beg of you, on behalf of women everywhere. Have hot, kinky sex with the porn star. Tyson will always be around.’ She waved in his direction and he narrowed his eyes at her.

One thing was clear as day to me. Tyson had feelings for her. Real feelings. I should probably stop cock-blocking the poor bastard, but the look in Alexa’s eyes told me she didn’t return his feelings. Not one bit. Her eyes wandered down my chest again and she bit her lip. Her cheeks flushed pink. She was growing turned on by just the thought of being with me. Fuck, I was going to get hard right here if she didn’t stop looking at me like that.

Tyson set his drink down. ‘Come on, Lex, this isn’t you. You play things safe. You’re not going to do…him’ he tipped his head toward me ‘and we all know it.’

She frowned and pulled her bottom lip into her mouth, considering his words. ‘I’m sick of everyone thinking I’m Miss Goody Two-shoes, with my perfect grades, and days of the week panties. You know what? I have my Wednesdays on today—it’s Saturday—and that’s a pretty sad way of rebelling, huh?’