Coming Home

‘You’re awake then.’ The voice came from behind me, making me jump. I turned to see a slim young woman with short, dark glossy hair emerging from a doorway, drying her hands on a tea towel. ‘I’m Tara, the housekeeper here. How are you feeling?’

She came round the couch to look at me and I couldn’t help noticing that she seemed to be sizing me up. Although she was dark, she had luminous aquamarine eyes that were as startling in their way as Jadie’s cornflower-blue ones.

‘Thawed out a bit, have you?’ she asked.

I nodded, trying not to stare at her. I swung my defrosting feet out from under the blankets to try to get up.

She put out a hand and pushed me down against the cushions. She was surprisingly strong and I fell back, looking up at her with some embarrassment.

‘You shouldn’t go getting up yet.’ It was an apology of sorts, as if realising she had overstepped the boundaries of propriety. ‘You were pretty far gone when Vince…Mr James brought you in. Give yourself a minute or two. I expect your hands and feet hurt. And that cut on your head is quite deep. It probably could have done with a stitch or two but I put a butterfly plaster on it, so hopefully it won’t leave a scar.’

My hand went to my temple and I felt the plaster gingerly before rubbing at my still tingling fingers. I nodded, totally confused. My lack of any sort of memory was terrifying. ‘I’m sorry for any trouble I’ve caused. I’m very grateful for your help. For a while out there in the snow I was afraid I’d had it.’

‘Another half-hour out in that blizzard and you might have done,’ she agreed. I had the fleeting impression she wouldn’t have minded too much if that had proven to be the case. She gave herself a little shake. ‘Still, nothing a nice warm fire and some blankets can’t put right. I’ve been making soup. I’ll bring you some, if you like.’

‘I don’t want to put you to any trouble…’

‘You’ve done that already, haven’t you? I’m stuck here for the night now, the road’s completely blocked and according to the news there is more of this weather to come. It looks like we’re both stranded here, so we’d better make the best of it, eh?’

Colour flooded my face at her candour.

Then she smiled and her face lit up. ‘I’ll go and tell Mr James you’re awake. After carrying you over the threshold like some hero out of a Jane Austen novel he vanished off to his study.’

She was about to retreat to the kitchen again when a thought struck me and I sat bolt upright in alarm. ‘When he brought me in, did Mr James say anything about finding a cat?’

Tara paused and looked back at me, shaking her head. ‘No, the boss didn’t say anything about a cat. Did you have one with you, then?’

‘I think so.’ I wondered how much of what had happened was real and how much was a dream. ‘It’ll freeze to death out there in the snow.’

‘Cats can look after themselves.’ She shrugged. ‘I’m sure it’ll be OK.’

‘It was locked in a plastic box. It won’t stand a chance.’

‘We can’t do anything about it now.’ Tara turned to look out through a chink in the curtains at the cold, dark night outside. ‘Maybe Mr James can go look in the morning.’

She left and I sat morosely, rubbing at my painfully thawing hands. Jadie came and stood next to me. She gave me a reassuring smile. ‘Amber says your little cat will be OK. And Amber is always right.’

‘Where is Amber?’ I looked round the room again for this all-knowing sister of hers.

Jadie peered at her shoes in much the same way she had when I’d asked her about her mother. ‘She’s not here.’

‘Where is she then?’ I was confused, wondering how Amber could have told her anything about the mystery cat. ‘Is she with your daddy?’

Jadie continued to study her feet but she shook her head infinitesimally.

Tara came in carrying a tray with a steaming bowl of soup and what smelled like freshly baked bread wrapped in a cloth. ‘Here you are.’ She laid the tray across my lap. ‘I thought you’d better eat in here by the fire until you’ve thawed out properly.’ She held out a hand to the child. ‘Come on, Jadie, let’s go and have ours in the kitchen. I’ll give your father a shout.’

She paused as if sensing something was up; looked from Jadie to me with a puzzled half-smile. ‘Am I missing something here?’

‘I was just asking her where Amber was, that’s all.’

Tara’s mouth dropped open and her face paled. I thought for an awful moment she was going to faint, and then she squared her shoulders, grabbed hold of Jadie and marched her out of the room. A door slammed somewhere nearby and a moment later Tara returned alone and deposited herself between me and the fire. She gave me a hostile glare. ‘What’s your game?’ She had planted her hands on her hips, staring at me as if I had sprouted horns. ‘Who the hell are you, anyway?’

I wanted to say that I didn’t know who the hell I was, but this didn’t seem quite the right time to mention my lack of memory. ‘Jadie informed me her sister knew I was coming, that’s all. Amber told her the cat was going to be all right.’

Tara continued to stare at me as if I were some sort of rabid monster. An awkward silence yawned between us.

‘Amber was Jadie’s sister.’ She took her hands from her hips and crossed them tightly in front of her chest as if to protect herself from the pain of what she was going to say. ‘Amber passed away two years ago. Jadie’s mother couldn’t cope with the grief and walked out on them a few months later. Amber’s name hasn’t been mentioned since her mother left, and Jadie hasn’t uttered a single word since then. She’s what they call an elective mute; no one has been able to make her talk, not her teachers nor doctors or several different psychologists.’ Tara narrowed her eyes suspiciously at me. ‘So like I said: who the hell are you and what the devil do you think you’re playing at?’

Chapter Four

Tara’s eyes bored into me. I felt as if I’d been invited to participate in some gruesome game where everyone else knew the rules but me. I didn’t even know my own name. In the last few hours I had woken on a snow-filled roadside without any idea how I’d got there, nearly died from exposure and hypothermia, been rescued by a man with whom I’d felt a weird affinity, abandoned someone’s cat in a snow-covered field and gate-crashed a household where a supposedly mute child had informed me her long-dead sister had been expecting my arrival.

My hand went to the sticking plaster on my temple. I felt as if I had been sucked into that warm, beckoning tunnel I’d seen as I’d teetered on the brink and, like some sort of worm-hole meandering through space, it had coughed me out in an alternative universe. Tara’s question was fair enough, but it was annoying all the same.

I fought a desire to throw back the blankets, struggle to my feet and run crazily through the snow, back to my own life, whatever and wherever that was. I suddenly felt very lost and alone; as uncomfortable with throwing myself on the mercy of this stranger as she seemed discomfited by my presence. It was odd; I knew how to speak and how to act in a given circumstance. I felt sure I could still read and write and perform the normal functions of living, I just couldn’t remember who I was or how I’d got here. Resisting the temptation to thump my fists and scream, I decided instead to adhere to the time-honoured social conventions that prevented me from knocking the dinner tray to the floor, pushing past this angry sentinel and making a bolt for the door.

‘I don’t know why Jadie spoke to me.’ I summoned as much calm as I could muster. ‘I didn’t know she couldn’t.’

Tara continued to regard me with suspicion. I returned her scrutiny with what I hoped was an apologetic gaze and then, for want of a better idea, and because I was actually pretty damn hungry, I picked up the soup spoon and scooped up some of the delicious-smelling soup.

‘This looks lovely. I really am very grateful to you for bringing me into your home like this.’ It was true, I was grateful.

‘It’s not my home, I just work here.’ She stuck out her chin but the familiarity of the action had broken the spell of hostility; I was a guest again. ‘We’ll be in the kitchen; if you want anything just call.’

Tossing her head she retreated from my line of vision.

When she had gone I dropped the spoon onto the tray and lay back exhausted, squeezing my eyes shut for a moment. If the worm-hole theory wasn’t a realistic possibility, I thought with the stirrings of hysteria, then maybe I’d arrived in a madhouse—or perhaps I’d died out there in the blizzard after all and been brought to some strange testing place where my suitability for the world beyond was being measured. Neither possibility brought much comfort.

The awkward weight of the tray on my lap and the tantalising scent of the thick and hearty leek and potato soup suggested something much more down to earth. I picked up the spoon and raised it to my lips, sniffing the warm aroma appreciatively. The soup tasted as good as it smelled and I was soon wiping the bowl round with the bread. I hadn’t realised quite how hungry I was until I’d started eating. After popping the last hunk of bread into my mouth, I sensed someone standing behind me. The couch was facing the fireplace, with the heavy oak front door set back behind a curtain to one side of it and the rest of the room behind me. I craned my head round, still chewing, and found myself staring into a pair of blue eyes that left me in no doubt that this was Jadie’s father.

He was a handsome man in his early thirties. His features were nicely symmetrical; short blond hair framed a cleanshaven face with a small cleft in the centre of his chin. The stiff way in which he held himself brought to mind a Roman centurion—I decided he’d look pretty good in a short-skirted leather uniform—but I wished I didn’t have a mouth full of bread, because I was fairly sure it was about to choke me.

I chewed with a dry mouth and swallowed with difficulty as he walked directly into my line of vision. He was wearing a pair of jeans and a blue checked shirt over a white T-shirt, which on anyone else might have looked casual, but there was nothing casual about his demeanour; he seemed almost more ill at ease in his own house than I felt as a visitor. He came round to perch on the arm of the nearest chair and offered an embarrassed half-smile. I watched as he knotted his hands in his lap and leaned forward, his expression neutral.

‘How are you feeling?’ he asked.

‘I’m much better now, thank you.’ I ignored the dull throbbing in the tips of my fingers and toes, and the ache in my head. ‘I can’t thank you enough for bringing me into your home like this. I hadn’t realised the weather was going to get so bad.’

He nodded, apparently reassured by my answer, but I noticed he avoided making direct eye contact with me. ‘I’m glad you don’t need to go to hospital because I don’t think we could have got you out. We’re completely snowed in and, according to the weather forecast, there’s more to come.’

‘I’m sorry to be such a nuisance.’ Picking up the empty tray I leaned forward to try to deposit it on a nearby coffee table. I succeeded in sliding the tray onto the polished surface of the low table and sat back. Realising the blankets weren’t quite covering me, I gathered them quickly round me.

He seemed not to notice. ‘I’m Vincent James.’ He half rose out of the chair towards me, his hand outstretched to shake mine.

I kept my hand knotted tightly round the top of the blanket, whilst eyeing his nervously. What was I going to say? Should I confess I hadn’t the faintest idea who I was or what I was doing out there in the snow? Would he think I was a crazy woman and throw me back outside to take my chances in the blizzard?

He frowned at my hesitation and I realised I had no choice but to tell the truth. Taking a deep breath, I took the plunge.

‘I’m afraid I can’t remember who I am. The bump on my head has obviously given me some sort of amnesia…but I’m sure everything will come back to me soon.’

He let his hand drop onto his lap as he scrutinised me closely with a frown of surprise. ‘You can’t remember anything?’

I shook my head.

‘Umm,’ he murmured, obviously thinking things over. His eyes drifted over me and I watched his face as he came to a decision. ‘Well, whoever you are, you are welcome to stay here until the weather clears and we can find some proper help for you.’

Breathing a sigh of relief I began to relax. But then he seemed to remember his manners and reached his hand rather abruptly towards me again in welcome. Keeping the blanket in place with one hand I stretched the other hesitantly towards his. I found I was holding my breath as our hands met; this was my rescuer, the man who had carried me through the snow. I don’t know quite what I expected, but his handshake was dry, firm and unremarkable. Perhaps I had dreamed the whole thing. No flashing lights, ringing bells or electrical currents passed between us; nothing to indicate we were soul mates greeting one another. I felt something inside me plummet. I relinquished his hand and inwardly berated myself for my foolishness. It was just that after he had rescued me in the blizzard I had thought…what had I thought?

‘So you have no idea what you were doing out there in that snowstorm?’ he asked, intrigued now. He sank back onto the chair and glanced past me towards the kitchen. Was he looking for a means of exiting without giving offence, or watching for his ever-vigilant housekeeper?

‘I have no idea at all.’ I hauled my thoughts back. ‘I remember coming to at the side of a road and feeling the cold eating into me. I don’t know how I got there, but I do remember having a cat with me.’ The memory brought a new flood of anxiety rushing through me. ‘You don’t know what happened to it, do you? It was in a pet carrier. I was trying to carry it to safety, but it was so heavy and my hands were so cold I think I dropped the poor thing into the snow.’

‘I don’t know anything about a cat, but I’ll ring round some of the locals, see if anyone knows anything about one.’

‘It was in a plastic carrier,’ I persisted. ‘It’ll die out there in this weather.’

‘I’m sorry, but there’s nothing we can do now. It’s still snowing heavily and it’s pitch-dark outside. You should try to get some rest and not worry about it. And when the snow clears we should get you to a hospital.’ He rose to his feet.

Resting my head back against the arm of the couch, I found I was suddenly overwhelmed by the events of the day. My head was throbbing, my hands and feet still ached and I felt bone weary.

Vincent paused as if sensing my misery. ‘Look, you were huddled in the snow up on Adam Jenkins’ top field, next to the footpath. It’s possible the cat is still there so I’ll give the farmer a ring and ask if he could look for it in the morning, OK?’

I nodded resignedly.

He hesitated just before he left the room. ‘You can use the room my mother normally has when she stays with us. Tara will show you where it is. Get a good night’s sleep. Things never seem so bad in the morning.’

‘Thank you,’ I said quietly.

Listening to his footsteps receding on the polished wooden flooring, I took a great steadying breath. I was alone for the moment and had an opportunity to take in my surroundings. This felt and smelled like an old house, the faint aroma of the soup mixed with the more ingrained scents of wax polish and wood smoke from the fire. What I could see of it from the couch seemed warm and cosy, like a much-loved pair of old slippers. If it hadn’t been for my strange circumstances I was sure I would have felt quite at home here.

I closed my eyes and tried to force my mind back. Surely, I thought, I must be able to remember something of my past, anything at all that could give me a hint as to who I was or what I was doing in this place. But my mind remained obstinately blank as if there was a curtain drawn across it, sealing off my former life and keeping my memories elusively out of reach on the other side.

‘You’ve finished your soup, then.’ I jumped as Tara appeared to take my tray, her lips pursed in what I took to be disapproval. ‘Vincent said you could use the guest bedroom when you’re ready to go up.’

I noticed she was no longer referring to her employer by his surname and wondered if she’d been listening in on our conversation. Looking at my watch, I gasped to find it was almost nine o’clock in the evening. It had felt like some time in the early afternoon when I’d woken in the snow. Where had the rest of the day gone? I rubbed a hand over my eyes and tried not to feel too sorry for myself as the thought erupted from nowhere: where had the rest of my life gone?

My hands and feet felt defrosted now and I was about to offer to help Tara with the tray when I remembered I was still wrapped in a blanket. She must have seen my move.

‘You stay right there while I take this to the kitchen,’ she instructed, some of the earlier hostility returning to her voice. ‘I can bring you some magazines or you could watch TV, if you like, until you’re ready to go upstairs.’

I guessed she would have liked to add, ‘And think yourself lucky you’ve been allowed to stay here at all,’ but she contented herself with handing me the TV controls and opened a neat mahogany cupboard in the far recess beside the fireplace before hurrying off.

The TV showed pictures of raging blizzards, cars abandoned on motorways and a well-muffled news reporter being buffeted by the storm while snowploughs battled through the suburban roads behind her. My gaze drifted to the narrow shelf above the TV cabinet where a family photo stood in pride of place. Leaning forward, I made out Vincent with Jadie and Tara; all three of them smiling into the camera. I scanned the room and saw another photo of Tara, standing in what looked like a park, her hands resting on the handle of a pushchair out of which peeked a toddler wrapped up in blankets. Whether it was Jadie or her sister I couldn’t tell, but I did understand that Tara had been part of this family for a long time.

‘Could you tell me where the loo is?’ I called, hearing footsteps behind me.

‘Down the hall there at the very end, next to the room that’s full of boots and coats,’ she called back.

Getting awkwardly to my feet, I hugged one of the blankets round me and followed her directions. There was an ancient oak staircase behind the couch, which opened directly into the sitting room. Beyond that the rest of the house disappeared round a corner, the whole house appearing to be a huge reverse L shape. I padded through the wood-panelled sitting area, my bare feet slapping on the cold wood flooring as I passed the bottom of the staircase. The rest of the rooms led off the long arm with a boot room and downstairs toilet at the furthest end, opposite a back door, presumably opening on to a garden.

As soon as the loo door closed behind me, I turned to face the small mirror that hung over the washbasin and stared at my features for several long minutes. Running a hand over tawny shoulder-length hair, I peered into a stranger’s hazel eyes, trying to find something familiar in my reflection. My fingers traced the outline of the butterfly plaster Tara had used on my cut. It wasn’t too awful, despite the blossoming blue bruise surrounding it. It was an odd feeling looking at that face: I realised I hadn’t expected to look like this…Who was I and what was my name?

I crept back along the length of the L, tiptoeing past three doorways. The nearest door was open a crack, with light spilling out. I peeped in to see Vincent sitting at a wide desk, his features in profile, studying a computer screen; he had a telephone pressed to his ear. I tiptoed quickly past. The light in the passage spilled into the next darkened room where I glimpsed a formal dining table surrounded by elegant chairs. The last room, the one nearest the sitting room, was the kitchen. Pausing in the doorway, I took in the warm domesticated scene. This was obviously the hub of the household. A modern cooker stood against the far wall with a huge pan resting on the hob, a soup ladle protruding. A cloth-covered table still showed signs of where the family had eaten their last meal. A doll with flaxen hair lay on a chair next to the table, but otherwise there wasn’t much to show that a six-year-old child lived here.

‘Will you come up and kiss me good night?’ asked a husky little voice from behind me.

I turned to see Jadie standing behind me, clad in a pair of pink pyjamas and fluffy animal slippers. She walked past me to collect her doll, then turned back into the hall, making for the stairs. She paused at the foot of the staircase and put her head on one side, studying my features. ‘Say you will,’ she pleaded.

‘Well, if Tara doesn’t mind…’ I was a bit dubious. It seemed an odd request of a virtual stranger but then everything about this little girl was baffling. ‘I don’t even know where your bedroom is.’

‘It’s next to Amber’s.’

‘Er, right.’ The child seemed to think I’d automatically know where her sister’s room was. ‘Well, maybe I’ll come up in a minute.’

‘I’ve got to have my physio first,’ Jadie said quietly.

‘Your physio?’ I repeated, mystified. ‘Have you hurt yourself?’

Jadie smiled as if I’d made a joke. ‘No, silly, my back patting.’

Before I could question her further, Tara called from somewhere upstairs and Jadie tucked her doll under her arm and climbed up towards her.

Bemused, I returned to the comparative safety of the couch. Sitting staring into the crackling fire I wondered what twist of fate had brought me to this curious household. I sat for a long time, trying to recall something familiar, my mind eventually drifting.

Chapter Five

‘I think Jadie wants you to go up to her.’ Tara’s voice made me jump for the second time that evening. ‘She’s hovering by her door with her favourite book and she won’t let me read it to her.’

I turned and saw Tara staring at me. She looked as uncomfortable as I felt. ‘I can’t imagine why, but she asked me to go up and kiss her good night,’ I explained apologetically.

‘She told you that?’

I nodded.

‘In actual words?’ She came round from behind the couch and seated herself next to me.

‘Yes. She asked me just now when she came down for her doll.’

‘I thought that might be what she wanted, because she wouldn’t let me turn off the light. She kept getting out of bed and standing by the door. I wasn’t sure I believed you before when you told me she’d spoken to you. I don’t understand it.’

‘Nor do I,’ I admitted. ‘Have you told her father she’s spoken to me?’

Tara shook her head. ‘I didn’t want to get his hopes up; the thought crossed my mind that you might be some sort of con artist, a trickster…I don’t know.’

I couldn’t say I blamed her. ‘Shall I go up to her?’ I asked.

I watched Tara struggle with herself. I could see she didn’t entirely trust me, but she obviously cared for Jadie and didn’t want to let her down. ‘I don’t see why not,’ she said at last. ‘But I’ll come up with you and wait on the landing where she can’t see me—if you don’t mind?’

‘Of course I don’t mind,’ I found myself responding immediately to the woman’s softer side. It was the first time she’d spoken to me with anything other than suspicion and distrust. Jadie was in her care: she was quite right not to leave her alone with a stranger.

Tara inclined her head in a gesture of thanks. We tiptoed up the stairs, the blanket draped about my shoulders like a thick cloak. Tara pointed out Jadie’s bedroom door. Jadie was sitting on the edge of her bed, apparently waiting for me.

‘Hi.’ I was feeling horribly self-conscious with Tara listening outside the door. The thought occurred to me that maybe I had a child of my own somewhere and I felt a further jolt of unease. But somehow I didn’t feel this was the case and I hoped my instincts could be relied upon as I perched next to Jadie on the edge of the pink quilted bedspread and looked down at her, unsure what she expected of me.