Put What Where?: Over 2,000 Years of Bizarre Sex Advice

And not before lunch

Ancestor Peng, in the introduction to Yinshu (The Pulling Book), c. 186 BC

Morning is not the recommended time for men to practise sex.

Daytime – all day

R.T. Trail, Sexual Physiology: a scientific and popular exposition of the fundamental problems in sociology (1867)

If children are to be begotten ... the sexual embrace should be had in the light of day. It is only then that the magnetic forces and the nervous system are in their highest condition of functional activity and the body, refreshed by sleep, is in its most vigorous condition. But it should not be the hurried act of the early morning, like a hasty meal before a day’s work ... Surely, if sexual intercourse is worth doing at all, it is worth doing well And it would not exalt its importance one iota above its real merits if certain days were set apart, consecrated, to the conjugal embrace. It might be one day in seven, or one day in twenty, or more or less.

Seasonal sex

Giovanni Marinello, Medicine Pertinent to the Infirmities of Women (Italy, 1563)

Least harmful: spring and winter

Use sparingly: summer

Use even more sparingly: autumn

Spring for men, autumn for women

Nicholas Venette, The Mysteries of Conjugal Love Reveald (1703)

Men are most apt for the company of women in winter and in spring; women most desirous of commerce with man in summer and autumn; and this proceeds from the contrary complexion, in respect both to the times and persons, which complexion is nothing else than the different mixtures of warmth with cold, and moisture with dryness ...

In my opinion, copulation is more seasonable in spring and winter; it may be used in the time of autumn, but in the heads of summer it should be carefully avoided, when the ordinary discharges of the body are so great...

We ought to embrace when our belly is moderately filled, for at such a junction we feel a strange desire to be meddling.

Cheek the zodiac, and never after war ...

Ananga Ranga of Kalyanamalla (Stage of the Love God), by the Indian poet Kalyan Mall (16th century)

Hot weather

Cold weather

Any time, in fact that’s not springtime or the rains

Daytime – unless it’s your woman’s favourite time

When ill with fever

When tired from travel

When observing a religious rite

At the new moon

When the sun or a planet passes from one side of the zodiac to another

In the evening

When tired from warfare

Geddinthere! (Times she might be in the mood)

Koka Shastra (The Scripture of Koka), by the Indian poet Kokkoka (12th century)

When tired from travel

Convalescing from a fever

Weary from dancing

The sixth month of pregnancy

A month after giving birth

Etiquette: when to introduce a new mistress to your wives

Chinese householder’s notebook (c. 16th century)

Recently I heard about a certain official who took unto him a new concubine. He locked himself in with her behind double doors and did not appear for three days. All his wives and concubines were highly incensed at this behaviour. This is indeed the wrong way.

The right method is for the man to control his desire and, for the time being not approaching the newcomer, concentrate his attention on the others. Every time he has sexual intercourse with his other women, he should make the newcomer stand at attention by the side of the ivory couch. Then, after four or five nights of this, he may for the first time copulate with the newcomer, but only with his principal wife and the other concubines present. This is the fundamental principle of harmony and happiness in one’s women’s quarters.

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