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You Want to Do What?: Instant answers to your parenting dilemmas
Thorsons
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd.
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London SE1 9GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk
First published in 2007 by Collins
Collins is a registered trademark of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.
Text © Karen Sullivan 2007
Karen Sullivan asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
Karen Sullivan asserts her moral right to be identified as the author of this work. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins ebooks
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Source ISBN: 9780007254378
Ebook Edition © FEBRUARY 2017 ISBN: 9780007556632
Version: 2017–03-16
Dedication
For Cole and Luke, my teenagers
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Introduction
Abortion
Alcohol
Armed forces
Babysitting
Bedrooms
Bedtime
Bicycles
Birth control
Books
Bras
Bullying
Calculators
Cars
Clothes
Communication
Community service
Computers
Cooking
Crime
Curfews
Debt
Drugs
Ears
Employment
Entertainment
Exams
Exercise
Eyes
Family
Fizzy drinks
Food and drink
Friends
Gambling
Gap year
Growth
Hair
Health
Homework
Household chores
Independence
Languages
Leaving home
Leisure
Lost property
Magazines
Make-up
Marriage
Masturbation
Menstruation
Mental health
Mobile phones
Money
Morals
Music
Motorcycles
Mouth guards
Name change
Organisation
Orthodontics
Parties
Passports
Peers
Personal hygiene
Pocket money
Pornography
Privacy
Puberty
Relationships
Religion
School
Self-harm
Sex
Sexuality
Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)
Shoes
Skin
Smoking
Sunbeds
Surgery
Swearing
Swimming
Tattoos
Teeth
Testicles
Travel
TV
Weight
About the Publisher
Introduction
There is no one more persuasive than a teenager with an agenda, and certainly no one more capable of making a parent feel inadequate or behind the times. Conscientious parents regularly fall victim to the supreme negotiating skills of their offspring, and have to adjust their own beliefs, values and moral codes in order either to keep the peace or fall in line with current trends. After all, times change, don’t they? Perhaps the way we were brought up is outmoded, and children can and should be allowed different sorts of freedoms and liberties, different levels of independence and trust, and a different role within the family.
There can be no parent in the land who has not heard regular wails of:
The lists are seemingly endless, and from the word go, parents are put in the awkward position of trying to work out if their demands, expectations and rules are fair and realistic, or if they are, in fact, creating social lepers by denying their children the norms of today’s society.
There is no central database of currently acceptable thinking and practice when it comes to parenting. Indeed, most parenting manuals stop well short of the years when parents actually need the most advice. These days many parents are isolated and have less contact with others parents, the result of increased independence, and the fact that many parents work during the day. Couple this with frustration engendered by the impossible task of trying to glean information or make conversation with an adolescent – and it becomes obvious why we’re often working in the dark when it comes to parenting.
It’s no good relying on age-old wisdom handed down from our parents, either. Most of us will remember the irritation of being told that rules were rules, that things were ‘always done that way’, because: ‘that’s how I was brought up, so that’s how you will be too’. Many of us have chosen to forge our own path on the parenting front, and to make decisions based on our individual children and their capabilities, needs and demands, rather than create rules for the sake of them. But this too can be a minefield – one ill-chosen step off that path and a child could be in serious trouble, well out of his or her depth.
So how do we make these decisions? As parents we have a responsibility and, indeed, an innate desire to raise happy, healthy, responsible children, and to invest in them the skills, morals, values and common sense that will take them into adulthood. On one shoulder we carry the weight of this responsibility, and on the other, an overwhelming catalogue of adolescent propaganda.
Consider, too, the fact that our children change dramatically – emotionally and physically – as they grow. It takes a savvy parent to understand and stay on top of their changing needs, and the developmental milestones reached at various stages. We want to support these changes, and encourage healthy growth and development without appearing to be intrusive or controlling. Most tweenies and adolescents become less open about their emotions, their bodies and even their social lives, hopes and concerns as they grow older. It’s difficult for parents to know what to expect and when, and at what stage a little input, guidance or even discouragement is required. For example, when do girls normally begin to menstruate and at what age are tampons appropriate? Does a 12-year-old boy need to wear deodorant? And is a nighttime shower or bath strictly necessary? When do teens reach their adult height, and do big feet mean that a child will be tall? At what age can kids drink tea and coffee? Do teenagers need vitamin supplements? When does a boy’s voice begin to change? Is a withdrawn adolescent taking drugs or suffering from depression, or is her behaviour normal? Is teen faddy eating a sign of an eating disorder or to be expected? Should we worry if a child wants a lock on his or her bedroom door?
And what about independence and moral issues? Is it normal for a teenage boy to have pornographic magazines under his bed? Should a girl be allowed to change her name or her religion? Should we turn a blind eye when they experiment with alcohol or drugs? Should we allow them to ride a bike home in the dark or make their own way home from a party? When should we stop expecting to be told exactly what they are doing, when and with whom? What is an appropriate curfew? How much pocket money is fair, and should we expect our children to earn it? Are household chores a child’s responsibility, and what do we do about a perpetually messy bedroom? Should we oversee their homework, allow them to use calculators, or crib from the computer? Should they have their own computers or TVs, enter chatrooms, own mobile telephones and set their own bedtimes? If children really want to leave school, can we stop them?
The list of potential battlegrounds is staggering, and the issues surrounding almost every area of our children’s lives are confusing. We are, as a whole, a more liberal and tolerant society, and today’s children are treated very differently from the way we or our parents were treated as children. That’s not to say that we are necessarily more permissive; indeed, studies show that due to fears about abduction, accidents, paedophiles and other potential dangers, we are much less likely to allow our children to do things on their own, and less likely to encourage independence. We drive them to school and to their activities, and we are reluctant to allow children the freedom to play outside or to travel alone.
But contrast this with the obvious ‘adultification’ of childhood, and the irony of the situation must be evident to all parents. How can we keep reins on children who are worldly wise beyond their years and have expectations that far exceed their age? How can we curb a growing need for independence when we are fearful for their safety? How can we uphold our own beliefs and moral values when our children are bludgeoned with alternatives via the media and their peer group? How can we encourage our children to be children for as long as possible in a society that promotes the opposite?
Growing up too soon
One of the side effects of our modern have-it-now, 24/7 society is that children have been drawn in on the act. No longer content to wait until the appropriate age for certain activities, clothing, possessions and levels of freedom, today’s children expect to be (and often are) treated as miniature adults, complete with miniature versions of everything adult. With this comes inevitable responsibility and a need for acquisition; the majority of children are too young and immature to deal with either responsibility or acquisitiveness.
Learning the art of patience is an important part of childhood. Childhood and adolescence are marked by other rites of passage – understanding the rewards of a job well done, a lesson learned and a privilege earned – which should be experienced at appropriate stages through the years. Children find it difficult to wait for the moment when their power is increased. When they are six, they can’t wait to be seven; when they are ten, they can’t wait to go to ‘big school’; when they are sixteen, they can’t wait to get their driving licence, have some freedom and go out alone with friends. This sort of impatience is normal and even healthy, but children need to learn to wait for each of the stages, and to feel a sense of pride as they reach these milestones.
Today, everything is pushed on more quickly. Children start school at an earlier age and learn to read earlier. Sporting activities at weekends are organised with ‘adult’ equipment, and some sports teams even go on overseas tours. Children have CD and DVD players and all the latest games; they wear mini-Calvin Klein and Paul Smith; they have mobile telephones and their own computers. Advertising encourages them to look and be seductive and cool; young girls dress in the same style as their heroines – pop stars and celebrities – many of whom are scantily dressed and earning money by being overtly sexy. The inevitable question is, ‘What next?’ How can a child who has already toured Europe with his football team be satisfied with playing for his school or in the park with his brother? How can a child who is bombarded with sexual messages through the media be content to hold hands at a school dance?
The pressure on children to grow up more quickly tends also to suit our modern style of parenting. If we treat our children as if they were older, dress them as if they were older and push them on to achieve things at an increasingly early age, we can justifiably expect ‘adult’ behaviour.
There are several other problems with the ‘adultification’ of childhood. The first is the boredom factor. Many children now complain of being bored, largely because there is very little to look forward to in terms of personal goals. They have ‘been there, done that’. They travel, eat out, wear designer clothes and have all the trappings that matter. They perform in ambitious school productions, take part in international sports events, surf the internet and set up e-mail accounts on their own, have their pocket money paid into their own bank accounts, make their own arrangements via mobile phone and use their considerable purchasing power to buy whatever they want.
When children are exposed to an increasing number of experiences at an early age, they become bored with routine activities. They require greater stimulation and excitement to keep them satisfied. What fun can be had in the park with your parents, when you are used to watching satellite TV in your room with your mates? How boring a day trip to the seaside will seem after a two-week holiday in Florida. Who wants to watch a U-rated film, when you’ve seen an adult-rated movie with your friends?
This adult lifestyle is an assault on young and impressionable bodies and minds. What’s more, many children are being left to make the transition from child to adult on their own. Many children come home to an empty house and have to organise their own time structure and make their own meals. Most are allowed to choose their own entertainment and this often means that they are subjected to conflicting messages on a regular basis. A vast industry has built up around consumption by children and an ever-increasing amount of advertising is directed at them. Advertisers use the media, primarily television, to convince children that they need a whole host of possessions in order to reach the status of ‘cool’ and to be happy.
Television also provides children with experiences of violence, sexuality, broken relationships and inappropriate mentors. Even children who are at home with parents during the day and after school have unhealthy pressures placed upon them by the various media, including television. Children in the USA spend an average of 38 hours a week exposed to media outside of school; by the time they reach the age of eleven, the average child will have witnessed more than 100,000 acts of violence on TV. Children may be exposed to as many as five violent acts per hour during prime time and an average of 26 violent acts per hour during Saturday morning children’s programmes. And that’s just violence.
There is a similar problem with sexual imagery, with teenage starlets paraded regularly in the media in sexy, adult clothing. Sexual precocity is evident increasingly early and teenage pregnancy is on the increase in the Western world. If children have seen it all on screen or heard it all in the lyrics of a pop song, what’s to stop them trying it out for themselves? Why should they bother waiting?
Ignoring or disregarding the vital sequential steps in a child’s development can have serious consequences. Children are confronted with decision-making before they have the necessary emotional or psychological tools; they are entrusted with obligations, possessions and responsibility that make them feel more independent and adult, but which may be too much to bear.
This, of course, puts more pressure on parents. Kids want things sooner and they expect freedoms, possessions, activities and independence that are often inappropriate. Most parents have a grudging sense that the demands they face regularly are at odds with what they intrinsically believe is right, appropriate, normal and moral. This is not, of course, a new problem facing parents, as children have, for generations, always wanted a little more than parents think is appropriate; however, the wealth of external influences on our children make it far more difficult to create and maintain a family policy. In a nutshell, we are in constant battle with the unknown and the ever-changing.
Different strokes
There will be class, religious, geographical and cultural elements that will affect the way you choose to raise your children. What is appropriate for an inner-city child may not be right for someone from the deepest part of the countryside. A child who grows up on a farm may be given plenty of responsibility, but would not have the street savvy of a child from a big city. So the rural child may be mowing the lawn or driving a harvest combiner at the age of ten, but may be out of his depth on the Underground railway system or on city streets. Conversely, a city kid may cope well with independence involving travelling alone, negotiating a map and dealing with street violence, but would probably risk cutting off a toe if handed a lawnmower too soon. These are factors that every parent must take into consideration.
What children need
In order to thrive physically and emotionally, children require boundaries – guidelines that will undoubtedly be tested, often on a daily basis as they move out of childhood and towards adulthood – and they need a consistent approach to discipline. They also, however, require independence as they grow older, room to make their own mistakes and freedom to explore the world around them. In essence, children need wings to soar out into the world, but a healthy dose of common sense and a structured environment to anchor them when required.
Research tells us that, far from spending less time with our children, today’s parents take the job very seriously. According to a study entitled ‘The Changing Face of Childhood’, undertaken by the Future Foundation in the UK, children enjoy significantly more quality time with their parents than children of 30 years ago, with children’s views today being taken into account in the household and parents aspiring to do a better job than their own parents did. Researchers claim that we have become a generation of super parents who devote almost all our time away from work to our offspring. Typically, parents today spend 99 minutes a day with children under sixteen, compared with just 25 minutes in 1975.
‘In the 1970s, the hours at home were spent on household labour, and children were typically left to spend their time outdoors with friends in unstructured play, and to get to and from school by themselves,’ said Meabh Quoirin, head of business development at the Future Foundation.
‘Today’s parents are making the choice to engage with their children far more, taking them on outings, helping them with their homework, joining in their activities and just playing with them more. They are willing to put considerable effort into their relationships with their children and we see an increasingly professionalised approach to bringing them up.’
There can be no doubt that this increased input in our children’s lives will have a positive impact. A long-term Canadian study found that a positive relationship with parents was associated with less bullying, smoking, alcohol and drug use, and less frequent affiliation with deviant peers who engage in substance abuse. It predicted higher self-esteem and fewer internalising problems. Moreover, youths who reported positive relationships with their parents were more likely to report increased school identification and commitment to education, and were less likely to take risks (i.e. to not use a bike helmet and seat belt). It’s clear, therefore, that the quality of the relationship we have with our children is a huge predictor of their overall well-being on many levels.
But that, in essence, compounds the problem. As parents we wish to be there for our children, to be welcoming, accepting, open and communicative in order to establish a healthy relationship. Yet too many parents confuse a good relationship with giving in to demands, and allowing inappropriate freedoms in order to avoid disharmony. We want our children to have high self-esteem, so we grant them privileges and praise them regardless of whether either has been earned. While it is evident that a good relationship can encourage good behaviour, it is also clear that this relationship must be based on sound parenting, reasonable discipline, realistic expectations and mutual respect.
Giving in to demands does not encourage respect, nor does it teach our children self-respect. It is not easy to lay down the law, just as it is equally pointless to lay down too many laws. Every family has to evaluate what is most important to them before setting rules and establishing a code of expected behaviour. As the phrase goes, ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’, and nothing can be more true when dealing with tweenies and teens. If you get yourself into a regular lather about every aspect of your child’s behaviour, plans, perceived needs and demands, and set out to control it all, chances are the relationship will suffer and you’ll encourage rebellion. Work out what is most important to you, and be prepared to offer realistic reasons for your expectations and rules.
THE IMPACT OF PARENTING STYLES
The theory of parenting styles developed from the work of American psychologist Diana Baumrind and other researchers in child development. They studied children who had the qualities most of us would want in our own children: independence, maturity, self-reliance, self-control, curiosity, friendliness and achievement orientation. The researchers then interviewed the parents of these children to ascertain which elements of parenting fostered these qualities. They identified two important ingredients: firstly, responsiveness or warmth and supportiveness; and secondly, demandingness or behavioural control. Descriptions of four styles of parenting are based on these elements.
Authoritarian
Authoritarian or extremely strict parents are highly controlling. They dictate how their children should behave, and stress obedience to authority and discourage discussion. These parents are demanding and directive, they expect their orders to be obeyed and do not encourage give–and-take. They have low levels of sensitivity and do not expect their children to disagree with their decisions.
