Полная версия
How to Not Be a Dick: And Other Truths About Work, Sex, Love - And Everything Else That Matters
Copyright
HarperCollinsPublishers
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk
First published by HarperCollinsPublishers 2019
FIRST EDITION
Text © Vertical Networks, 2019
Cover design by Philip Pascuzzo
Cover illustrations © Vertical Networks
A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library
Vertical Networks asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
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Source ISBN: 9780008286583
Ebook Edition © May 2019 ISBN: 9780008286590
Version 2019-04-25
BY
Joel Hanek, Hogan Hiatt, Adam Lederer, Hot Rod Martinez, James Montgomery, Ryan Powell, Pernell Quilon, Bailey Rosser, Emily Wilson and Tom Wright
EDITED BY
James Montgomery
DESIGN & ART DIRECTION BY
Karen Jaimes
ILLUSTRATIONS BY
Ariel Alter
INFOGRAPHICS BY
Stephanie Truong
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Life
The Truth About Life
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Life Needs
100 Universal Truths About Your Life
It’s Basically All Bullshit
Life Timelines
Everything Movies Lie to You About
The Conflict Conundrum
A Brief Note on Hubris
100 Classy Moves You Should Master
An Alphabetical List of Terrible People You Should Avoid at All Cost
How Long Will These People Actually Be in Your Life?
A True Friendship Test
Annoying (Yet Inevitable) Things All Friends Do as You Get Older
Is It Possible to Be “Just Friends” with a Woman?
How to Make Friends After the Apocalypse
You Are Insignificant
Perspective
A Handy Glossary of Terms
Sex
The Truth About Sex
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Sex Needs
Are You Ready to Have Sex?
The Do’s and Don’ts of Sex
5 Simple Ways to Not Suck at Sex
5 Simple Ways to Not Suck at Gay Sex
69 Lies You’ll Hear About Sex
Don’t Listen to These People
The Beginner’s Guide to Anal Sex
Navigating the Morning After
Reasons You’re Not Having Sex
A Series of Sexy Venn Diagrams
Sex in Movies vs. Sex IRL
Sex After the Apocalypse
An Unsexy Discussion About Pornography
Are You Masturbating Too Much?
How Much Sex Is Too Much?
A Handy Glossary of Terms
Work
The Truth About Work
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Work Needs
Appropriate Responses to Lies Your Dad Will Tell You About Work
What You Should Know Before Taking Any Job
The 30 Types of People You Will Work With
A Beginner’s Guide to Workplace Communication
Work, in Actuality
The Coworker Code
5 Ways to Get the Job You Deserve
Are You Workplace Appropriate?
How to Ask Your Boss for a Raise, According to the Actual Boss of BROTHER
Should You Launch a Start-Up?
Post-Apocalyptic Career Aptitude Guide
A Handy Glossary of Terms
Money
The Truth About Money
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Money Needs
How to Live Like a Millionaire (Without Actually Being One)
How to Live on a Budget (Without Living Like a Crazy Person)
How to Make More Money (Without Working All That Hard)
Get the Biggest Bang for Your Buck!
How to Get Rich
Do You Have Enough Money?
Six Truths About Money, According to Someone Who Has a Lot of It
Can Money Buy You This?
Make Your Own Money!
What to Do with Your Money After the Apocalypse
Mo Money
How to Take It with You
A Handy Glossary of Terms
Women
The Truth About Women
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Women Needs
The Gentleman’s Guide to Lady Parts
How to Date a Woman (According to an Actual Woman)
Overrated/Underrated Dates
The Truth About Dick Pics
Is It Time to Move On? Probably.
How to Give Compliments (Without Being a Total Creep)
Ways to Meet Women After the Apocalypse
A Handy Glossary of Terms
Fun
The Truth About Fun
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Fun Needs
General Rules for Having Fun
When Does the Fun Start?
Things That Seem Fun Until You Actually Do Them
Worth the Wait?
Is This Funny?
Is This Art?
Is Reading Fun?
Overrated/Underrated Rap
Overrated/Underrated Rock
Overrated/Underrated Pop
Scenarios in Which Removing Your Shirt Is Appropriate
Scenarios in Which Removing Your Shirt Is Inappropriate
Should You Get a Tattoo?
The Five Universal Truths About Gambling
25 Unexpected Ways to Have Fun After the Apocalypse
A Handy Glossary of Terms
Health
The Truth About Health
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Health Needs
How Not to Be a Dick at the Gym
The 30 Types of People You Will Meet at the Gym
Gym Stats
Scenarios in Which Running Is Appropriate
Scenarios in Which Running Is Inappropriate
General Truths About Health
What’s That On Your Penis?
50 Thoughts You Have While Sitting in a Waiting Room
A Summertime Surprise!
A Sobering Note About Drinking
Should You Do This Drug?
Acceptable Coping Mechanisms for Adults
Should Everyone Talk to a Therapist?
Health After the Apocalypse
A Handy Glossary of Terms
You
The Truth About You
Maslow’s Hierarchy of You Needs
No One Cares
A Secret Message
50 Things Someone Should Have Told You by Now
Don’t Be That Guy
General Truths About Style
What Your Hair Style Says About You
Social Media, in Graph Form
The Nicest Things People Can Say About You, Ranked
How to Get Your Shit Together in 10 Steps
Self-Improvement After the Apocalypse
A Handy Glossary of Terms
A Message from BROTHER
About the Author
About the Publisher
The Truth About Life
These terms and conditions create a contract between you and BROTHER (the “Agreement”). Please read the Agreement carefully.
A. INTRODUCTION TO OUR SERVICES
This Agreement governs your use of BROTHER’s services (“Services”), through which you can learn valuable life lessons (“Truths”) and unique skills (“Content”) that can—and should—be applied at your discretion. Our Services are available for your use in your country of residence (“Home Country”), in accordance with societal standards and/or legal statutes. To use our Services, you need an open mind, a willingness to look ridiculous and the ability to read. Our Services’ performance may be affected by these factors.
In the interest of full disclosure, here is how we explained those Services in our initial pitch to HarperCollins (the “Publisher”), which must’ve worked, because you’re reading this right now. The fact that the Publisher decided to change the title of this book does not invalidate anything of the following:
“We’re not going to lie to you—life can be complicated.
“But The Truth will set you free. From simple solutions to complex social interactions to general rules of gentlemanly etiquette, it’s the definitive guide for today’s guy.
“We will help them navigate an increasingly complicated world—the classroom, the locker room, the office, the bar, the bedroom, the DM—where the old rules, labels and standards no longer apply. We won’t condescend, we won’t mince words—we’ll give them straightforward, occasionally brutal (but always funny) honesty, and, hopefully, create a new set of axioms in the process.
“This is Brother’s big book of universal truths . . . the stuff we wish someone would’ve told us.
“Brother is a global brand made for millennial males. Publishing daily on Snapchat, we reach an audience of 20 million young men each month (40 million unique visitors in total—girls like us, too!). We create content that is optimized for mobile and designed with the millennial in mind, mixing media and text to deliver an experience that is informative, entertaining and interactive.
“We use data to test and refine work. We’re still experimenting—but we’d like to think we’ve gotten pretty good at understanding our audience. It doesn’t hurt that we are our audience. We are interested in life, love, sex, style and tech. We are self-aware, but not self-centered. We take digital culture as a given; we understand that it’s 2019—everyone uses a dating app. We are informed and impatient. We ask big questions, and expect appropriately huge answers. But we’re not judgmental jerks. We’d like someone to buy us a beer every once in a while.
“With Brother Presents: The Truth, we’ll use that knowledge and expertise. Presented in a format that is engaging and appealing to digital-native demos—a compelling mix of infographics, diagrams, images, lists, quizzes and essays—we’ll simplify the millennial man’s life . . . by simply telling him the truth.”
We can’t believe they bought it, either.
B. USING OUR SERVICES
PAYMENTS, TAXES AND REFUNDS
You can acquire Truths and Content via our Services for free or for a one-time charge, depending on whether you are borrowing this book from an acquaintance or have decided to purchase it for yourself. Either instance is referred to as a “Transaction.” Each Transaction is a contract between you and BROTHER, and it is up to you to fulfill your end of the bargain—if you don’t, we will be disappointed. In addition, violators can also be subjected to additional punishment, as determined by BROTHER’s Chief Magistrate, who has definitely seen some shit and is not one to trifle with. If you pre-order Content, you will be charged when the Content is delivered to you (though please let us know how you managed to do this, since this is a book). All Transactions are final. If you want to sell this book on your own, that’s up to you, man. Prices may change at any time, contingent on how well this book has been selling or how badly the Publisher has misjudged potential enthusiasm for this project. There will be no refunds, regardless of how poorly this book is written or how useless all Content contained herein may be. Fraud or other manipulative behavior may entitle BROTHER to a corresponding counterclaim, so think twice before trying to pass any of our Truths or Content off as your own. We are always watching you, and we have your financial information on file.
PRIVACY
Your use of our Services is subject to BROTHER’s Privacy Policy, which is explained in great detail below but can essentially be summed up thusly: You’re fucked.
BROTHER has developed and patented a suite of technologies that will be used to collect your personal information, including (but not limited to) fingerprints, biometric measurements, sexual conquests, penis size, test scores, fantasies, gaming system preferences, mother’s maiden name, browsing history, passwords, credit scores, shoe size, deep-seated fears and every time you’ve ever cried. Your personal information will be used to sell you petroleum-based grooming products that are slowly killing the Earth, your Home Country and, by logical extent, you. There is no way to opt out of this policy, as by merely cracking open this book, you are implicitly agreeing to it.
We will also collect data in a form that does not, on its own, permit direct association with any specific individual. We may collect, use, transfer and disclose what we deem to be nonpersonal information—including your occupation, language of preference or location—for any purpose, so we like to keep the wording as vague as possible (but it will probably involve more petroleum-based products). BROTHER will attempt to justify this gross violation of your privacy by claiming to use your personal information only to keep you posted on our latest project developments and upcoming events, or to improve current products and services.
SERVICES AND CONTENT USAGE RULES
Your use of the Services and Content must follow the rules set forth in this section (“Usage Rules”). Any other use of the Services and Content is a material breach of this Agreement. BROTHER may monitor your use of the Services and Content to ensure that you are following these Usage Rules.
All Services:
You may use the Services and Content only for personal, noncommercial purposes, such as hooking up or exacting revenge on your coworkers. Any prizes or rewards attained using our Services and Content belong to us as well.
BROTHER’s delivery of Content does not transfer any promotional use rights to you, so don’t try to pass any of this shit off as your own. Like you could come up with this many charts . . .
It is your responsibility not to lose, destroy, or damage Content once purchased. We will monitor this via previously mentioned suite of technologies, in addition to periodic checks of landfills in your Home Country.
You may not tamper with or circumvent any technology included with the Services, but good luck finding any of it.
CONTENT AND SERVICE AVAILABILITY
Terms found in this Agreement that relate to Services, Content types, features or functionality not available in your Home Country are not applicable to you unless and until they become available to you. What does that mean? Good question.
YOUR SUBMISSIONS TO OUR SERVICES
Our Services may cause you to react with comments, crude gestures or incredulous sighs (the “Submissions”). How do we keep track of Submissions? We’re always watching, remember? Your use of such features must comply with the Submissions Guidelines below, which may be updated from time to time (and without your knowledge). You hereby grant BROTHER a worldwide, royalty-free, perpetual, nonexclusive license to use the materials you submit within the Services and related marketing. And if that sounds threatening, it should. BROTHER will monitor and decide to remove or edit any submitted material.
Submissions Guidelines: You may not use the Services to:
Be a jerk, unless specifically instructed to act that way.
Act in an offensive, unlawful, deceptive or harmful manner.
Impersonate or misrepresent your affiliation with another person, or entity, unless you have a really good costume.
Plan or engage in any illegal, fraudulent, or manipulative activity, unless we get a cut of the action.
If charged with—or convicted of—a crime, BROTHER will disavow any knowledge of your existence.
INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY
You agree that the Services, including but not limited to analysis, codes, Content, credos, dumb charts, diagrams and graphs, gripes, half-baked schemes, illustrations, inane lists, judgments, Killers lyrics, petty grievances, sex tips, threats and texts used to implement the Services, contain proprietary information and material that is owned by BROTHER, and is protected by applicable intellectual property and other laws, including but not limited to copyright. You agree that you will not use such proprietary information or materials in any way whatsoever except for use of the Services for personal, noncommercial uses in compliance with this Agreement. No portion of the Services may be reproduced in any form or by any means, except as expressly permitted by this Agreement. You agree not to modify, rent, loan, sell, or distribute the Services or Content in any manner, and you shall not exploit the Services in any manner not expressly authorized.
The BROTHER name, the BROTHER logo and other BROTHER trademarks, service marks, graphics and logos used in connection with the Services are trademarks or registered trademarks of BROTHER in the U.S. and other countries throughout the world. BROTHER is also the name of a line of sewing machines, but we’re betting they haven’t noticed yet (so don’t tell them). You are granted no right or license with respect to any of the aforesaid trademarks, unless you are the people who manufacture those sewing machines; you’ve probably earned it.
TERMINATION AND SUSPENSION OF SERVICES
If you fail, or BROTHER suspects that you have failed, to comply with any of the provisions of this Agreement, BROTHER may, without notice: (i) terminate this Agreement; and/or (ii) terminate your access to our Content; and/or (iii) terminate you.
BROTHER further reserves the right to modify, suspend, or discontinue the Services (or any part or Content thereof) at any time with or without notice to you—until we show up at your job/place of residence to terminate you.
OTHER PROVISIONS
This Agreement constitutes the entire agreement between you and BROTHER and governs your use of the Services, superseding any prior agreements with respect to the same subject matter between you and BROTHER. If any part of this Agreement is held invalid or unenforceable, that portion shall be construed in a manner consistent with applicable law to reflect, as nearly as possible, the original intentions of the parties, and the remaining portions shall remain in full force and effect. BROTHER’s failure to enforce any right or provisions in this Agreement will not constitute a waiver of such or any other provision. We’re busy. BROTHER will not be responsible for failures to fulfill any obligations due to causes beyond its control. Again, we’re busy.
You agree to comply with all local, state, federal, and national laws, statutes, ordinances and regulations that apply to your use of the Services. Your use of the Services may also be subject to other laws. No BROTHER employee or agent has the authority to vary this Agreement—not even Hogan, and we let that dude do everything.
You hereby grant BROTHER the right to take steps BROTHER believes are reasonably necessary or appropriate to enforce and/or verify compliance with any part of this Agreement. You agree that BROTHER has the right, without liability to you, to disclose any data and/or information to law enforcement authorities, government officials and/or a third party, even though BROTHER thinks cops are the worst and not to be trusted. We take this Agreement very seriously, and failure to comply with any part of it shall result in punishment, as determined by our Chief Magistrate, including (i) a fine of USD $5,000; (ii) a series of Indian Burns; (iii) 25 days in BROTHER jail, which is not as fun as it sounds; (iv) dibs on any sexual partners, both current and future; or (v) all of the above. Because life isn’t fair—which is why you should always read the fine print. And that’s the truth.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Life Needs
Everything necessary to ascend, find fulfillment and become the person you were meant to be.
100 Universal Truths About Your Life
We’re not gonna lie to you: life is hard. But these truths will set you free.
Everyone is pretending.
Anyone who boasts is overcompensating.
No one is as happy as they appear to be.
Social Media is not real life.
Comparing yourself to others is a waste of time.
If you don’t expect anything, you’ll never be disappointed.
Art and commerce can never coexist.
Kindness is underrated.
Happiness is a social construct, not a goal.
Thriftiness is a virtue; cheapness is an annoyance.
Never stop doing kids’ stuff—that way you’ll never get old.
Always have an alibi.
If you find yourself saying “I’m not a racist,” you’re probably a racist.
If you have to ask “Is this inappropriate?” it’s probably inappropriate.
The answer to the question “How did they afford that?” is always “Their parents paid for it.”
Blackface is never a good idea.
Always say “Thank you.”
Often, it’s just easier to apologize.