The Men Commandments

SOMETHING WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN JUST A WHEEL

Imagine the scene for a moment. A prehistoric man is strolling through the forest and he sees a load of ripened apples that have fallen off a tree. It’s summer and they’ve begun to rot. Most of the men walking by are thinking, Urgh, look at that manky rotten fruit, better steer well clear of that, but one guy stops and makes a scientific link that happens perhaps once in any generation.

What if we can use that rotten fruit to get off our faces and shout really loudly and repeat the same story and joke over and over again and then fall over and vomit? Wouldn’t that be great?

Soon he’s invented rudimentary alcohol and he’s churning out the precursor to Stella Artois.

STAGGER LIKE AN EGYPTIAN

Egyptians may have been the first real beer monsters. In Egyptian society they invented beer before they invented bread. That’s right, beer came before bread.

Egyptians believed beer was invented by one of their most powerful gods: Osiris. Of course they did. Who knows how strong that stuff must have been. Imagine a deity who says, ‘Forget continents, seas and mountains, the first thing on my list to create is beer. Let’s get the party started!’ This explains why the Egyptians built so much weird stuff for no good reason. They were pissed most of the time.

‘Oh wise Tutankhamun, we have finished your grand Pyramids, what would you like us to do next?’

‘Build me a massive statue with a… dog’s head… Yeah, a dog’s head. And then build me a sphinx.’

‘What is a sphinx, oh lord?’

‘It’s a lion with a woman’s head… Urggh, I think I’m going to be sick.’

The Egyptians, in their drunken haze, were soon overtaken by the new boys on the civilisation block, the Greeks. Mathematics, astronomy, medicine, and a nice salad. They also invented one of the most important things in man history. Organised sport. The Olympics.

Legend has it that the games were instituted after Hercules won a foot race at the Greek city of Olympia and then decreed that the race should be re-run every four years. But in reality, you put enough men together in one place and sooner or later they’ll decide to challenge each other to some contest or other. The Olympic Games of yesteryear bore no resemblance to the games of today, though. Mainly because the ancient Greeks hadn’t invented anabolic steroids.

MAN’S GREATEST FEAR

By the first century BC it was the Romans’ turn to take centre stage. Julius Caesar was the first dictator of the Roman Empire and the conqueror of Britain. One thing not everybody knows is that he was also one of the first men to tackle one of the largest problems known to men. Hair loss.

Back then, there wasn’t much you could do about it. Even though wigs did exist, they were no way as near to the quality of those atop Sir Elton John’s head. Even the scourge of the Roman Empire Hannibal was reputed to have worn a wig into battle against the Romans. History records that he lost the confidence of his men.

It must have been hard to inspire men to following you into a dangerous battle if they were constantly shouting ‘OY WIGGY’ at you behind your back. Caesar, however, came up with a novel solution. He invented the comb-over. One of the greatest historians of the era, Plutarch, recorded this at the time, but he never said whether or not it flapped about in the wind. As the most powerful man in the world, his courtiers and lackeys would have been unable to mention it. Which maybe explains why today a lot of men truly believe comb-overs are completely invisible to the naked eye.

IT’S ROUND HERE SOMEWHERE

They say all roads lead to Rome and it’s true because they were the first civilisation to realise that men get lost very easily. They built miles of nice long, straight, even roads. It would seriously affect their reputation as the most fearsome army in the world if on their way to fight the Celts they had to stop and ask for directions from the Gauls.

THE TUDOR SMACKDOWN

Let’s race forward to 1509 when one of the most memorable kings of England came to the throne. Henry VIII. During his reign he achieved almost next to nothing, yet he is the king that everybody remembers the most. Countless books and films have been made about him. For what reason? It’s because men love Henry VIII. He had it all. The power, the money, the women (six of them to be exact). Who in their right mind can cope with six wives? That’s six birthdays to remember. Six Valentines. Six sets of in-laws. Six doghouses. The man’s a hero.

One story that clearly illustrates why he should be the hero king of man history is the time he travelled to France to meet his keenest rival of the day, King Francis I. The great meeting was designed to strengthen the friendship of the two kings and cement an earlier peace treaty. However, it soon became clear that the French king was gaining the upper hand in negotiations. Now, most normal kings would try and manoeuvre themselves into pole position with diplomacy or other tactical means. Henry said, ‘Fuck this. Let’s wrestle.’ Wrestlemania was born. He lost but the point was made. If only our modern leaders would settle things with a wrestling match, maybe we wouldn’t have so many wars.

Just think, the whole Iraq debacle could have been avoided if George W. Bush had challenged Saddam to a smackdown on the front lawn of the White House. The message Henry VIII taught us is clear. Men love to wrestle with each other. With mates or rival kings.

SMOKES AND SPUDS

Now you’d think Henry’s daughter Elizabeth I wouldn’t have a place in a chapter about man history but you’d be wrong. She was England’s ruler for 45 years and again subject of many period dramas, all of them dull. However, her reign is a minefield for man history. England was in a unique position. It now had a hot 25-year-old as queen. We all know men are prepared to do almost anything to impress a woman, but the Elizabethan age was punctuated with constant attempts from the leading men of the realm to outdo each other.

The two most famous men vying for her attention were a pair of sirs. Sir Francis Drake and Sir Walter Raleigh. These days men try and impress girls by popping down to H. Samuel’s and buying them a diamanté necklace. Sir Walter really set the bar high when he travelled to the Americas. He named a whole colony after Elizabeth and then brought her back not one but two brand new items. Tobacco and potatoes. The old smoothie. What woman wouldn’t fall for a man who brings her smokes and spuds?

HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DONE?

Elizabeth’s successor was the first Stuart monarch of England, James I, who doesn’t really have much to add to the history of men apart from the curious story that he might have invented one of our favourite pieces of meat ever. He was a strange man who spoke with a lisp and dribbled quite a bit. These days he would have worked in IT.

James I was such a fan of good meat that when he was once presented with a really high-quality loin of beef for his dinner, he pulled out his sword and uttered the words, ‘I dub thee Sir-loin.’ It’s interesting to think that without James I, Aberdeen Angus steakhouses may never have existed.

He also reigned during the Gunpowder Plot of 1605 where ex-soldier and Catholic Guy Fawkes attempted to blow up Parliament while the Protestant king was inside it. Although the barrels had been placed many months before in a cellar under the House of Lords, and were ready for igniting, Fawkes was caught when he made the cardinal sin of going back to the unlit fuses. Ironically, this fact is of course celebrated each year by men across the country on Bonfire Night. It’s every man’s divine right to ignore the shouts of ‘NO, DAD, YOU’LL BE BLINDED’ and stride over to the firework that’s failed to go off, as if we can make it work by igniting it with sheer testosterone. Guy Fawkes was tortured and hung, drawn and quartered but I’d like to think he died for our right to perform this very act.

MEN AND MOTORS

I’ll now fast-forward again and channel-hop to the bit of man history that gave us something we love to this very day. Who actually invented the car? There is much speculation about who can lay claim to being the one that gave us the four-wheeled love of our lives.

We do know that in 1769, the very first self-propelled road vehicle was a military tractor invented by French engineer and mechanic Nicolas Joseph Cugnot. He used a steam engine to power his contraption. It was used by the French army to haul artillery at a whopping speed of 2.5 mph. I’m guessing, it being the French army, this was in reverse.

The following year Cugnot built a steam-powered tricycle that carried four passengers. There are few details about whether this was the first ever road trip with the Cugmeister and his entourage going cruising for ladies. Arguing like all men do about who has to sit in the back and who gets the all-important role as wingman up front.

A year later Cugnot drove one of his road vehicles into a stone wall, making him the first person to get into a motor vehicle accident. Were there the high-visibility jacket-wearing wombles putting lane closures all around him? I haven’t read his insurance claim but what’s the guessing he was distracted by something, say a woman. According to a recent survey, men are more likely than women to get distracted while driving. No shit Sherlock. It even said killing insects was a hazardous distraction for men. It’s true. We do get very upset about midges on the windscreen. The windscreen is one of the few surfaces a man will try to keep meticulously clean. Work surfaces in the kitchen not so much.

So Frenchie invented the automobile. Or did he? Petrolheads will get very worked up and tell you it was the Germans who were there first. As always in life, the perennial towel on the sun loungers of history. Saying that, Karl Benz did create the first gas-powered vehicles, which are closer to the cars we know today. I’m going to leave it there as I’m beginning to get bored by all the men bickering about cars.

ANOTHER FIRST IN MAN HISTORY

On to some more interesting happenings in our history. Napoleon Bonaparte, the scourge of Europe, invading Italy, Spain, Holland and even Russia. As I said earlier, just being a great figure in history isn’t enough to be included in this book – you have to have contributed to man history. Sure, Napoleon ended feudalism in Europe, laid the basis for modern French law and was probably the greatest battlefield commander that ever lived, but what did he do for men?

Napoleon, by simply uttering three little words, challenged one of the great injustices that is suffered by men every single day. He was the first person brave enough to say ‘Not tonight Josephine’ to his wife. It’s fine for a woman to decline sex with her husband, and rightly so, but if a man decides he’s not in the mood, a big can of worms is opened.

The woman automatically assumes that they no longer find them attractive and that they’re probably having an affair. They also think: I’m better looking than this jerk, he’s lucky I’m even giving him a chance. It blows a woman’s mind when a man says he just wants a cuddle and does just want a cuddle. Without the usual stab in the belly. They don’t understand it.

You’re a red-blooded man with a penis and you’re saying you don’t want sex? The man maths just doesn’t add up. ‘Have penis must use it’ is how they think we are. They deduce all that even though it’s probably because we’ve just had a big meal and feel a bit bloated. Suffering from a PMT for men. Post Meal Tiredness. Napoleon was the first man to draw a line in the sand and for that we should get down on our knees and kiss his feet, even though he was French and apparently wore over a litre of cologne a day. Probably to try and hide his smell of Frenchness.

THE TWENTIETH CENTURY

By the turn of the twentieth century, we had become the Chelsea of the day. No one liked us and everybody wanted to beat us at home.

The terrible wars defined these times, but I need to draw attention to something without which we wouldn’t be who we are today. Something came along that is possibly the greatest gift man history ever got. No, not fishnet tights.

The television was invented. As the sage Homer Simpson says: ‘TV, teacher, mother, secret lover.’

Thanks to John Logie Baird, we now had an excuse not to talk in the house. On 2 October 1925, Baird successfully transmitted the first television picture. It was the head of a ventriloquist’s dummy nicknamed ‘Stooky Bill’. Shame he had to ruin the moment with a ventriloquist act but he was Scottish and we should be grateful he didn’t put the thing in a deep-fat fryer and batter it. He needed another man to help him achieve this remarkable feat and Baird went downstairs and fetched an office worker, 20-year-old William Edward Taynton, to see what a human face would look like.

Taynton became the first person to be televised. I would imagine that when Baird showed this moving image and face, another first was born: ‘Is this all that’s on?’ was said for the first time.

So here’s to John Logie Baird, giving men another long-lasting relationship in their lives. Maybe the biggest since being introduced to fire or to the wheel. Neither of those two could give us Going for Gold or Wacky Races though.

You could sum up the Second World War as a pub car park fight. Just when you thought it was finished, everyone had taken a beating and the bouncers had broken it up, someone makes a snide remark and it all kicks off again.

Luckily for men all over the world, Hitler and the Third Reich were resoundingly kicked into submission. Obviously if he had won it would have been bad for the simple reason that he was a horrible dictator hell bent on world domination and also wanted to wipe out quite a few races on the way. Hitler was also a teetotal vegetarian.

With war off the menu for a bit, men had time to breathe a sigh of relief and push new boundaries and do something other than kill each other. Like get back to the important man business of trying to have sex. One of the big changes after the war was the wide-scale availability of the contraceptive pill. The very idea of consequence-free sex is the holy grail for men. The rhythm method was never perfect for a man: as its name suggests, it’s reliant on the very thing men don’t have. Rhythm. Men cannot dance.

During the fifties one of the most essential things for life was developed: rock and roll. Sure, rock copied from the blues and so began a lifetime of thievery in rock and roll. One thing’s for sure, if Elvis Presley hadn’t been invented the world would have been a poorer place. We would never have known about the joys of fried peanut butter sandwiches. Somewhere along the way Kenny Loggins sat down and penned ‘Footloose’. History thanks all of rock’s Kennys: Loggins and Rogers.

Men now had another way to try and get laid. By forming bands. Singers may bang on about alienation and being disaffected but, come on, no one starts a band so spotty kids can like them. If you couldn’t impress the girls at school by getting in the football team the alternative was being in a band. And maybe it’s best those two never mix. Music and football are never a pretty combination. Apart from John Barnes’s rap on ‘World In Motion’.

On 10 April 1951 Steven Seagal was born. Born so that men channel-hopping at one in the morning could find something classy to watch. In most of his great works a simple formula is observed. Steven is a retired US Navy Seal/secret agent/assassin now working as a chef/handyman/IT tech support. Then some bad stuff happens and Steven goes and gets an old bag under his bed that has all of his old killing stuff in and goes back to what he knows best. This book recognises Steven Seagal and will have more on this incredible man later.

By the time Neil Armstrong had stepped down from the lunar landing module on 20 July 1969, America had spent $28 billion and employed just under half a million people in the Apollo programme. Yet they still didn’t know if space pirates existed up there, which is what I was looking for through my binoculars every night as a kid. That and really believing about mice drilling for cheese on the moon. The only useful thing to come out of the Apollo space programme was the invention of Teflon, which means men don’t stick their eggs to frying pans any more (well, that much anyway). But it proves that given the chance, men will waste money in the most spectacular way possible.

THE GODFATHER OF PORN

It wasn’t all bad, though: the last 50 years have seen men invent some amazing things. As previously mentioned, the microwave oven thanks to Professor Spencer – one of the greatest man inventions. Also consider the internet. Never mind the fact that you can scour the world’s greatest works of literature online or get all your weekly shopping without ever leaving the house, the main pull of the internet for men is porn. No more do they have to skulk in the shadows of a newsagent’s waiting for a lack of customers at a till. No longer do they have to pull up a creaky floorboard to get out the stash. Now it’s all at our fingertips. Tim Berners-Lee is referred to as the ‘father of the internet’. He is in fact the godfather of porn.

Technology has moved at an incredible pace. Televisions have got better and bigger and bigger again. Soon your entire living room wall will just be a TV, and you will still be mumbling, ‘Should have got a bigger one.’

But not all technological advances have been to the benefit of men. Witness our enslavement by the mobile phone. Fifteen years ago, we could go where we wanted and no one would bother us. We could head off down the pub for a few misspent hours and no one would ever know. Now we can be tracked down and worse, contacted, EVERYWHERE. Phones are evil. Just look at poor Jack Bauer. If he threw the damn phone away, he could chill out for a day.

We have made some incredible advancements but in the last few years our evolution has reversed at times. I’m not just talking about Big Brother contestants. I blame much of this on two things. One: man bags. It was pleasing to see in The Bourne Ultimatum that the Guardian journalist sporting a man bag was assassinated very early in the movie. Two: low-slung denim. You know what I’m talking about – the fools that wear jeans hanging around their knees, with no belt. If you’re 14, fine. Not if you’re a man. Martin Freeman, best known as Tim from The Office and now a movie star, was on my radio show and made a very fair point on this man wrong. ‘Is that the Dunkirk spirit? I don’t think so. We couldn’t have won the war in baggy denim.’

So we come to the year 2008 in my totally unreliable history of men and the news that men all over the world are talking about… a man is pregnant. That’s right. One of us is up the duff. A woman has had something called ‘gender realignment’ surgery, which I think is what Andrew Lloyd Webber has had on his face. Maybe it’s my TV but I’m sure that’s a bollock where his head should normally be.

KEY MOMENTS IN MAN HISTORY

Monkeys or mice?

Choose monkey

Find fire. Love it

Egyptians invent booze. Cheers

Greeks give men sport

Caesar gets a comb-over

Two men outdo each other for a woman. With spuds and fags

1769: Car invented. Let’s ignore the fact it came from France

A short-arse Frenchie called Napoleon turns down a shag

1925: TV. Pass the remote, please

1945: Germany defeated by port-swigging cigar-chomping Brit

1950s: Rock and roll

1951: Steven Seagal born

1953: A man called Norm invents WD-40

1968: Columbo aired for first time

1972: The Godfather is released

1975: Charlize Theron is born

1977: Pot Noodles

2001: Sky Plus arrives

IV

MEN AND THEIR MATES

THE LOVE THAT DARE NOT SPEAK ITS NAME

Much has been devoted to our relationships with women, which we will come to in good time. But men’s relationships with other men, their buddies, mates and old muckers, are rarely discussed. They are full of unspoken weird rituals, rules and codes. And there are serious repercussions for breaching them.

It’s a constant mystery to women what we actually talk about when we get together with our mates. ‘Not much’ is usually the reply. I sometimes think they feel we are planning a secret man uprising, an escape committee like Steve McQueen and Dickie in The Great Escape. The very idea of a man uprising is stupid. There’s far too much organising and effort involved for a start. Plus it can’t be this Tuesday as the missus has her yoga class and I’m looking after the kids. How’s next Monday?

Women think we bond with each other over endless boring sports chats, booze and bottom coughs. What they don’t know is that, like them, we also chat about our other halves. Just not with the same level of intimacy or detail. What they also don’t realise is that men operate under a series of complex rules and codes. We all know they exist, the unwritten rules, and I have recorded them here for the first time in history.

As we get into relationships and start families, actually getting to see your mates gets harder and harder. Most women immediately fear, distrust and even hate your mates.

They edge them out and restrict your visiting times, or even worse, come with you when you go out with them. She might as well hold your hand or put your balls in her handbag. Your man card* has been revoked.

THE DIARY

Women often utter the phrase, ‘That’s not in the diary,’ when you remind her tomorrow is the night you’re hooking up with some old chums. A date you got proper clearance on and did all the relevant paperwork for a while ago. This date probably required days of groundwork (interesting how men often use building phrases to describe relationships – ‘groundwork’, ‘shaky foundations’, ‘preparation’). Perhaps you tidied some of your mess up, said her hair looks nice or removed some of the old takeaway cartons from the fridge.

The simple truth is you will never see the ‘diary’ in question as it doesn’t exist. If it did it would just read: YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FRIENDS AGAIN AS THEY ARE ARSEHOLES AND I HATE THEM.

Maybe women are scared of the bond we have with other men, or scared that whenever we see them we drink too much and are sick over ourselves and on occasion over them. ‘You behave differently,’ they often say – and they’re right. Our mental age is somewhat lowered in the company of other men.

THE PERILS OF WHISPERING

I have also noticed women really don’t like that way we whisper among ourselves and then laugh really loudly. If you’re ever asked what you were laughing at, always lie. Don’t tell them the truth. No matter what they threaten you with.

Last Christmas my refusal to rat out myself and my brother-in-law about what we found so funny got me the stink eye (see Men and Women) for a few hours but it’s a rap you have to take. No one likes a snitch. It’s like Steve McQueen as ‘The Cooler King’ in The Great Escape – you do your time. However, I wasn’t allowed any ball games to pass the time.